Fanfic Fridays: Beyond Repair

I don't read fanfiction, at all. Even if it's lesbian fanfiction about Ailee, Yuri and Eunjung licking whipped cream off of each other...


Actually... I might just read that.


But that's not it... I'm making a conscious effort to go outside my comfort zone. Faaaar outside of it. So far that scientists have spotted me and declared me as a new star. “DUCH231.” Look for me about 3 stars left of Orion's Belt. I'll be flashing my titties.

I... am going to read fanfiction.

Only the first chapter, and only those “popular” on asianfanfics.com or recommended to me. These are chosen regardless of my interest in the topic as I secretly love self-torture.

I will be documenting my experiences here for your enjoyment, you sick, disgusting bastards. I know you like that. I'll get you. I know where you poop. I DARE you to laugh.

I ventured on that road less travelled and entered AsianFanfics, clicked the Popular button and chose the first one that didn't require me to do something like subscribe, because I ain't got time for that shit...

“Beyond Repair”. Tagged with angst and kidnapping. Nice.

In hindsight, I didn't put nearly enough filters on my poster.

I began by reading the description.

“...including those closet to him...”

Fuck. I couldn't do this. What was this shit? Does he have a bunch of closets just ready at a moment's notice to help him? I didn't understand, but I still carried on.

The foreword was painful. The plot, if I can call it that, felt very cliched. The writing was uninspiring and I SWEAR TO HYOSUNG'S RIGHT TIT, if I see another romanized Korean word like, “oppa” or “dongseng” I will track this author down and lobotomize them. With my nail file.

But I still had to read the first chapter. Have mercy on my soul, I hadn't reached the first chapter yet. I was in mental anguish, the words crossing together as my eyes shifted in and out of focus. I quickly scanned over the chapter. How long was this? 5 pages?


The first word: HYUNG!
Dammit.

I tracked down the author quickly and shaved off a nice piece of their verbal cortex before returning to the chapter. Yunho apparently had a nightmare. I knew this because the author was kind enough to state it instead of writing a description of the horrors that he dreamt. Because come on, who needs descriptions in storytelling?

I continued reading, imagining such wonders as hot water from the shower “pelting” objects at him. The author indicated he was satisfied by this. I chuckled.

The biggest crime this story had was being entirely too mundane. This fanfiction was nothing but dialogue and actions. I've read scripts that described things better than this mess did. Yunho crossed the living room, but all I knew about that place is that it's “somewhat messy”. Care to describe that? Maybe point out empty take out boxes on the floor or the jizz from his last fap session encrusted in the couch? I shouldn't have to guess!

How old was this author? I suddenly regretted taking that chunk of their brain. I felt dirty, like someone who just punched a baby in the genitals. I shouldn't have done that. My heart felt heavy with guilt as I read on.

Changmin had been kidnapped.
Because he was too talented.
My guilt disappeared.

The author described him as “the complete package”. I winced at the obvious fangirl mentality oozing it way into the crevices of this tale. I wasn't even halfway through and yet my mental defences had begun to crumble like the dried jizz that the author DIDN'T say Yunho left.

Perfection

I quickly read through the rest of the chapter, eagerly awaiting it's eventual conclusion.

“Hiding behind the bed was a skinny male. He was crouched down, as if he were hiding.”

I died a little inside. There's was so much dialogue between this victim and the police. So much boring dialogue.

I blacked out.
3 hours later, I awoke.

What was I doing? I looked at my monitor and saw that staring at me. Jesus fucking Christ why did I choose that photo?

The victim was revealed to be Changmin, which in hindsight erases some of his perfection by giving him the verbal competency of a 9 year old boy. I'm not sure what the author's references were but I am slowly becoming more certain that they are 11 years old themselves.

The rest of the chapter was useless drivel. The author set up for the second installment by having everyone get in a car and drive to the hospital to see him after getting a call from his sister. I couldn't be arsed to give even half of a damn.

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