The classiest and sexiest post that ever was both classy and sexy

I've recently written blogs about k-pop's "sexy concepts" and also about "cute concepts", and the non-existent differences between them, because everybody is so fucking fascinated by these topics.  Now I've been alerted to a new contender on the k-pop scene: "classy sexy" concepts.


What the fuck even is "classy sexy"?  Is it even a real thing?  Does it exist in k-pop?  Does anybody care?  Well, I care, because the word "sexy" is in there, so therefore time to investigate!



So being basically a scumbag I freely acknowledge that I've got no fucking class at all and therefore I have no fucking idea what the fuck "classy" really means.  So I looked it up:


Doesn't sound like any shit that I'm familiar with, except maybe "smart" but then maybe I'm just more of a "smart ass" which probably isn't what they meant as "classy".  Then I remembered that I have a completely classy girlfriend, so I asked her "what does classy sexy mean to you?".  She said the following:

Classy sexy is looking sexy without looking like a slut.  Flashing some flesh, but still giving a tease.  Something like a dress or skirt with a zip on the side, that you can zip up and reveal stockings and suspenders, now that's classy sexy.

I think this will sound instantly familiar to any fan of k-pop girls groups, especially those who have been following 2014's "war of the sexy concepts".


My girlfriend doesn't like or follow k-pop and wouldn't even know who Ace Of Angels are, so this is a totally unbiased opinion from someone who truly does not give one solitary fuck about ANY k-pop at all.  She cares about it so little that she wouldn't even waste her time posting on the Internet about how little she gives a shit.  However. according to her tastes, AOA have got "classy sexy" covered, and this is coming from someone who hasn't actually seen AOA's "Miniskirt" video.


Imagine her surprise when I told her:

It's interesting that you mention this specifically, because the exact idea that you're describing as 'classy sexy' is actually considered by the k-pop world to be right on the cutting edge of sluttiness.

Those with memories longer than a goldfish may remember that AOA's "Miniskirt" routine was considered so hot when it was released that the company toned down their choreography in response to k-pop fans being the usual hypocritical misogynistic fun-ruining pieces of shit that they are.  Obviously there's a difference of opinion between the normal sexually well-adjusted person and the more idiotic fantasy-driven nutcases that make up part of k-pop's legions of avid followers.  So what does "classy sexy" actually mean to k-pop fans?

I did some research on people's opinions and here's what I got:

• A member of Brown Eyed Girls getting her clothes torn off and fucked up against a wall in the Abracadabra video is "classy" but Girl's Day dancing with a little bit of tame hip-wiggling that wouldn't even raise eyebrows on Sesame Street is "perverted", okay then
• Another vote for BEG's Gain being fucked up against a wall as "classier" than just about everything else in k-pop
• BEG's whole output is sexy and classy but AOA, Girl's Day and Dal Shabet are not - male Soompi writer donate your cock and balls to science because you're clearly not using them
• BEG are so classy-sexy that even Gain getting raped in a video is classy sexy
• Allkpop have no fucking idea what they're talking about as per usual, and waffle incoherently about performers owning their sexuality or some crap which is laughable given that the girls are just told what to fucking do by some guy in a suit backstage counting the money
• Let's hear it again for Gain getting her clothes torn off in a BDSM-themed video as some real classy shit
• This writer prefixes his ideas about "classy sexy" with "some people believe" because he's too scared to own his own opinions on the issue - at least he links lots of hot fappable videos, including the Gain rape one, oh my well played sir
• This writer says AOA and Girl's Day make the grade as "classy sexy" but not Rainbow Blaxxx or Dal Shabet because they do too many sexy moves within a certain timeframe, I've no doubt he has his stopwatch in one hand tallying all this, hey I wonder what the other hand is doing
• Someone who doesn't give a fuck - bravo!
• Did I mention that Gain getting fucked up against a wall is not just hot, but classy and even "artistic"?

So the girls of AOA dancing in slinky dresses showing a little bit of skin, that is definitely not cool with most k-pop fans, way too provocative, tsk tsk.  However what k-pop fans really want to see is Gain getting slammed up against walls and guys forcing themselves on her, and lots of it, they definitely don't have a problem with this and in fact wholeheartedly approve of it.  So these next few images are for them - please enjoy this short gallery of Brown Eyed Girls' Gain.



A lot of the above linked posts talk about women "owning their sexuality" as a classy thing, and I think that's an interesting observation that is repeated throughout many of the linked posts about Brown Eyed Girls, stuff like this:

there is an obscene amount of hip thrusts and crawling - but do I feel embarrassed for these women? Heck no! Because they aren't trying too hard or trying to force it - they are owning every move

Let's just ignore for the moment how this person is exactly defining "owning every move" and how many leaps of logic and how much confirmation bias that involves.  Call me crazy, but when I think of girls "owning their sexuality" I don't think about fantasy depictions of them being raped.  Instead, when I think about exclusively "owned" sexuality by anybody male or female I think about fapping - after all, what sexuality is more "owned" by you than something that you do by yourself, for yourself?  So it follows that if "owning sexuality" is classy then masturbation is now the most "classy sexy" activity to me.  Of course Gain went down the implied fap path as well in the "Bloom" video, but that was just for the cameras.  What about the girls who are fapping when the cameras are not rolling?  Who's the most likely culprit, and thus the real "classy-sexy" k-pop performer?

I've found the answer, and predictably, she's in T-ara.


When I posted this image of Jiyeon from the "horizontal stripes" post, I was wondering at the time "what the fuck is that necklace all about, is that just a little metal rod to emphasize her tits some more or what?" - so naturally being an inquisitive sort I did some research.


As it turns out, that little dangly thing between her boobs is probably called a Vesper and it's actually a prototype vibrator. It's designed to hang around the neck as discreet jewelry that you can wear out and about.


Sure, Jiyeon's version does look a little different to these, but being a celebrity she probably got given the early test model or something so she could put the technology through its paces before they went into consumer production.  The company claim that since 2010 they have "assembled a strong team of ...  quality assurance testers"... right about the time T-ara started to really become huge.  Coincidence?


Doubtful.  The company are now currently making the first consumer versions of the Vesper and they describe the device as "elegant-yet-functional", and if you scroll back to the top of this post you'll notice that "elegant" is just a synonym for "classy".  This means that T-ara's Jiyeon is now confirmed as the official Kpopalypse ambassador for "classy sexy".  Whatever that is.