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"My bias is a true artist, like, OMG": music production and songwriting credits explained

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It's hard to think up any music fandom with an insecurity complex bigger than any given k-pop fandom.  People who are into k-pop (regardless of which group is their fave) can't just seem to say "I like this bubblegum shit, because it sounds good to me, and that's that, and if you don't like it fuck you" - they have to constantly justify everything both to themselves and others, so they can confirm that "yes it's socially acceptable for me to like this group".  That's the real motivation behind a lot of the excessive caring about vocal technique ("See?  My favourite group are talented, see? SEE?") chart success ("Look, everyone likes them in Korea, they MUST be good!") and awards ("They won something!  They're so special!") that many fans engage in.  It's also why fans' eyes light up with delight like twinkly little snowglobes whenever they are alerted to the rare eventuality of a cog in their favourite sculpted corporate pop music delivery machine getting a songwriting credit somewhere, and also why they then go and trot out these song credits tirelessly on forums and websites in some pathetic cyber-dick-measuring contest.


I thought it would be useful to demystify the meaning of technical terms in album credits, as well as how these terms are allocated to different people and also what it means when people co-write, so when the next media hype article comes along about artist X co-arranging song Y with producer Z, you don't get the wrong idea about what's really going on and you at least have some idea about what you're stroking your e-peen about.  Because I love you guys.

selses

Let's get started with some basic terminology:

Composer - (or "composed by") - writes the music.  If a separate lyricist, writer or arranger is not specified, the composer did these things too.

Songwriter - (or "written by") - same thing as the composer.

Lyricist (or "lyrics by", "words by") - writes the words.  Unless the lyricist is also the composer or the co-composer, the lyricist did not decide how those lyrics are sung (or rapped, or screamed, or whatever), only what the words are.  Essentially, a lyricist who only writes lyrics is the same thing as a poet (although don't ever tell a poet that - those guys are even more insecure than the average k-pop fan and will froth at the mouth and scream obscenities at you until you take it back and promise never to speak of such vile heresy again).

Arranger (or "arranged by") - the person who decides what parts go where ("we'll do the verse melody twice before going into the chorus" etc) and/or which singers and instruments do what parts ("let's have the guitar do the melody with the synth in section C, and then in section D the vocals will pick it up and we'll increase the bass"etc).

Recording engineer (or "recorded by", "tracked by") - the person who works the big desk in the studio, (hopefully) knows what all the knobs do, and records the performers.  Performers used to be recorded onto large reel-to-reel tapes, these days it's all done with computers.

Mixing engineer (or "mixed by") - the person who works the big desk in the studio, (hopefully) knows what all the knobs do, and gets the recordings from the recording engineer and adjust levels so the loudness and softness of each instrument is just right, adds effects and special stuff (I'll go into the special stuff in another blog, later) so it sounds "nice", then "mixes down" the result into a standard 2-track (stereo) file.  Except on very big high-budget projects, the recording and mixing engineer are typically the same person - if a separate mixing engineer is not specified, the recording engineer did this job.

Audio engineer (or "engineered by") - another word for someone who is both the recording and the mixing engineer.  An audio engineer is also what you call a person who mixes a live band, but we're talking about studio album credits here so we'll ignore this bit.

Producer (or "produced by", "production by") - the person who decides the sonic result of the mix - how much bass and treble, how thick or thin instruments sound, how loud and soft everything is, what effects would go best where, etc.  If this seems like there's a bit of crossover between "producer" and "mixing engineer"... not quite.  If it's confusing think of it like this - the producer sits back in his lounge chair smoking a cigar and saying "hmmmmm... needs more bass", and the audio engineer says "yes boss, anything you say, boss!" and twiddles the knobs on the desk to make it happen.  Sometimes the producer and the audio engineer are the same person, sometimes they are separate and sometimes the producer has no knowledge of how to use the equipment or the technical side of mixing at all, but just has a good ear!  Some very hands-on producers will also re-arrange the songs so they are also arrangers.  In k-pop, it's common for the "producer" to actually be the composer/lyricist, arranger, producer and audio engineer, all in one.  Most of the more well-known hitmaker style producers in k-pop (Brave Brothers, Shinsadong Tiger, JYP, Sweetune, etc) fit this category.

Executive producer - fronts up money for the project, effectively a sponsor.  This person is usually not involved in any other way.  An example of an executive producer who also gets involved in actual production and other areas would be JYP, but he's a rare exception.

jyp-yj

Mastering engineer (or "mastered by") - this person gets the final 2-track mix and tweaks/optimises it in subtle ways (that I won't go into here because it would take too long) for maximum fidelity/impact on radio or in downloaded formats.  Think about the mastering engineer as equivalent to someone who gives a brand new car a buff, shine and polish once it leaves the assembly line, before it goes to sit in some car yard somewhere, so you're more likely to buy the thing.  The mastering engineer is almost always a separate person to everybody else, and sometimes they go uncredited.   Only very very cheap productions, and/or productions in extremely non-commercial genres with absolutely zero aspirations to mass popularity would release a recording without mastering it first.

There are other terms, but these are the main ones you'll come across... but let's not forget:

Performer - plays/sings the music.  May or may not have had fuck-all to do with any of the above.  In the case of k-pop, generally not.

bomar

There are however, exceptions - exceptions that the average k-pop fan will treasure like a jewel-encrusted dildo encoded with their bias' DNA.  Let's look at some exceptional situations and how they are likely to apply to k-pop.

Co-writing - apparently CL helped compose three songs for the new 2NE1 album when she was bored.  No shit she was bored, the fucking thing was meant to come out two motherfuckin' years ago, she was probably trying to hurry the process along a bit because nobody else over at YG gave a shit.  But what does "helped compose" actually mean?  Well, according to the article:
The leader of 2NE1 composed the lyrics and co-wrote the music for the songs "If I Were You," "Baby I Miss You" and the title track off of "Crush." She also co-wrote the lyrics for the song "MTBD" with YG producer-in-residence Teddy.
If she's the only one who composed those lyrics for those three songs, then she's the sole writer of the words which means we're probably going to get filler-standard lyrics like the Korean equivalent of "alone" rhymed with "phone" and "Saturday night" rhymed with "feelin' alright".  But what about "co-wrote lyrics" and "co-wrote music", what does that really mean?  Well, maybe CL sat down with Teddy in the studio and had a chat like this:

CL: *strides into the studio in a means-business kind of way* "You know, since I'm a strong independent woman and a role model for women globally, I think I should help you write the song, because I think a female presence is important to preserve the artistic and creative integrity of what 2NE1 is doing."

Teddy: "Okay then, what do you want?"

CL:  "well, in that bit in our new song where it goes "eh eh eh eh", can we make the first "eh" a bit lower than the other ones?  I think that this female creative input that I'm giving now will show the world that 2NE1 are strong independent women."

Teddy:  "Rightio... anything else?"

CL: "Nope!... Oh, WAIT!  In that MDTB song, I want to say "2NE1, bitches!" at some point... like, really LOUD.  Because we're got to show the world how we're redefining the pop music scene in Korea for women and I think that will send a positive message that we're not afraid to light it up and let it burn like we don't care!"

Teddy:  "... okay, is that it?"

CL: "Yep!  Can we do it?"

Teddy:  "Sure."

CL:  "Great!  Let 'em know how it feels damn good to be bad!" *walks out holding her head high triumphantly in the knowledge that she has taken a positive stand for creative women everywhere*

Teddy:  *sigh*...

Believe it or not, the above hypothetical scenario (assuming Teddy came through on his end of the deal and let her do that, I guess we'll find out sooneventually) would be enough for CL to get one co-writing vocal credit and one co-writing musical credit on an album sleeve.  Of course, perhaps she's actually done a whole lot more than that, but my point is that to get her name on the album credits, she doesn't need to do much at all.

clbd

Co-arranging is another equally curly piece of terminology - remember when Eunjung "participated in the arrangement" of "I Know The Feeling"?  As we're covered, "arranging" just means "deciding what goes where".  She didn't actually play anything, or even decide what notes get played, she just helped put the already-existing musical jigsaw pieces together.  She might have gone up to composer Baek Deoksang while he was busy recording and had a conversation like this:

Eunjung *bounces into the studio happily* "I'd like to help arrange this song!"

Deoksang "Okay then, what's on your mind?"

Eunjung "Can we have an acoustic guitar intro instead of a keys intro?  That'd be just swell!"

Deoksang "Sure."

Eunjung "Also, can Boram and Hyomin get the rap parts instead of me?  I hate getting saddled with the fucking rap parts all the time now that Hwabum isn't around to polish her nails in time to the beat."

Deoksang "Why not, Boram's always whining about how she doesn't get rap parts anyway, if I throw her a bone it'll shut her up for once."

Eunjung "Great, thanks!"  *skips off merrily*

Deoksang "Oh fuck... now I've got to give her co-arranging credit... oh well, if I tell CCM HQ there's probably a media play article in this..."

Of course, it could have been a lot more involved than that.  The point is, you don't really know - nobody does except the people involved.  Just like with co-writing, the most minimal of changes is enough to qualify as "co-arranging".

eunfa

Now here's the best bit: we're assuming in these cases that songwriters are accurately reporting their songwriting splitsNobody says that they have to do that.

When composed works are reported with royalty collection agencies, each person who was involved in writing the work is apportioned a percentage of the royalties.  In the case of one person writing everything, they get 100%.  In the case of one person writing the words and another writing the music, they each get 50%.  In the case of two people writing the music it's not split 25% each by default, for the reasons outlined in the above hypotheticals - maybe one person had very minimal input.  It's instead up to the composers to work it out between themselves how to split the royalties, they've just got to agree on whatever the split is and both sign on it (and until they do, nobody gets anything).

When signing to a major label, songwriting royalties form part of the contract agreement, so you actually have to hash this stuff out with the label themselves (or in the case of k-pop, they offer you a deal and you take it, or you don't take it and another trainee takes it instead and you don't get to have a music career at all).  So when CL suddenly decides "right, I'm going to help write a song" that 5% or 25% of whatever part is apportioned to her is already spoken for, because the royalty split sheets are submitted by the label, who will usually collect royalty on behalf of the artist.  Gosh, where could this potentially go wrong?

Well, if the label has control over royalty collection they can do all sorts of fun stuff including but certainly not limited to:
  • Make songwriting royalties automatically go toward paying of production debts instead of going into the artist's pocket
  • Allow performers to purchase songwriting credit by paying a fee for inclusion on the royalty split (so they only make a profit if the song does well enough to recoup the fee), or allowing them to be part of the royalty split for free if they sacrifice something else (like a weekly wage)
  • Decide to not credit the songwriters at all by having a clause in the contract that states that any creative work made while under contract is legal property of the label
...and that's just scratching the surface, these aren't the only possibilities, just a few fairly typical ones.  Yes, success stories and people making bucketloads of money off big hits does exist, but for every G-Dragon who makes a packet off royalties there's a bunch of people like [name deleted for legal reasons] who probably put in the same amount of creative energy and got utterly shafted.

setttt

This post is just a little something to think about the next time you hear about your bias co-writing a song, before you go spazzing like a headless chicken about how awesome everything is for them and how they're so creative and genius.  You're welcome.

Yoo In Na Looks Jjangbak As Fuck For 1st Look

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Yoo In Na is on the cover for the March issue of 1st Look and she looks amazing.




You can view the others here along with her interview, and when I finally get around to it, a translation of the interview will be up on here, but you know, running two sites is quite a bit of work, so I won't "YG" anyone by promising a date and keep pushing it back, just to finally translate it two years later, and when the translation is almost done, keep finding random excuses to delay it.

On the other hand, while this pictorial is good, it still doesn't live up to her Maxim pictorial from a few years ago.


Fancam Appreciation #2 - Sistar's Bora

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Today's fancam appreciation is a recommendation from Chris.






While first writing this article, I was going to write "Now you can finally enjoy watching a Sistar performance without getting any nightmares from looking at Hyorin's face" before I saw Hyorin cover up Bora for a good ten seconds. Well, fuck. Though, this is much better than looking at her for three minutes, right? Plus, Bora's booty rolls help alleviate the debilitating fear that I got from looking at Hyorin's face.

Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 50

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Yeah okay so... not going to lie. I thought I had scheduled more STFUs. But I apparently did not; so this one is 2 days late. My bad. Do kids still say that? I don't know. Doesn't matter. Here I am, returning to churn out more STFUs for your enjoyment. As well, I see that with how sporadic my schedule is, AKF will also be producing these articles *cough* also replacing my job.

But with that said, I had to at least do something for the big 50! Quite the milestone for this weekly feature.

So my gift to you all for celebrating hitting 10 million views AND helping me write 50 STFU articles is this attached selca of me:

 

LOL JK 
DID YOU THINK I WOULD ACTUALLY DO THAT? 
ON THIS SITE? 
Seriously. Can you imagine the consequences? Holy balls.

Anyways, now back to our regularly scheduled program:

This week's photo comes from @dnxo14:


Thank you for your submission!

Oh. Oh you poor, sweet, must-be-ridiculously-young thing...

You are wrong. So, so, so very wrong.

This is actually really adorable to me because Cassies are going pretty crazy over that comment. In fact, even other K-pop fans were pretty offended over this, attacking her by saying things like "you need to learn the legends before you start saying anything about Kpop!", "EXOtics are so stupid" and other generic hate that is usually foolish & incoherent.

That is essentially the response GLEE fans have for every song ever covered on that show though, to be honest.


If anyone has submissions for future Stupid Things Fangirls Utter, please send them to zomg.oppa.sareanghae@gmail.com, tweet them to @akf_shinbi, ask them at ask.fm/akfshinbi, or leave them in the comment section below. Remember your rights on this site: anything you say or do here can and probably will be used against you. Thank you, FISHies! 


Question of the Week 79

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Wow - I just realised that there has not been a Question of the Week since September of 2013. That is insane. I cannot promise that I will be able to think of a Korean entertainment related question weekly though, so this is not exactly a revival of my first weekly feature. But, I will certainly try to get this up and running again.

This week's question is: 
If you could take one idol of your choice on a Valentines date (yeah, I know. I am a little late), who would it be, why, what would you do, and how would you attempt to woo him/her? 

Note: In this hypothetical, you are meeting for the first time; so you cannot merely say "we would bang all night" because, well, I am pretty sure they would not want to do that immediately (that is called rape, boys and girls). Essentially, you have to convince them why they should be with you for this one passionate night (or even stay in your life for longer!). This question is meant to evoke the romantic and charming personality deep inside all of you FISHies. Let's see everyone's sensitive and emotional sides. 


Ten bucks says NONE of you will listen to the rules and will just say your usual "I WOULD TAKE ____ AND DO HER ALL NIGHT LONG IN EVERY POSITION KNOWN TO MANKIND (etc)" in some grotesque variation. I only trust that my dear 아저씨 will actually answer this properly.


I know that I usually properly answer the questions in QotW posts (whether they are my own or a submission), but I don't have a lot of time as I have to finish this lab report. But, I am pretty sure that you all know by now that I would pick TOP (Big Bang) and desperately do whatever it took to keep him interested in this faux date (and get his number so I could harass him in the future). Honestly, I don't know anything about him. So, I couldn't even say something like "talk about his interests" or "do activities that he likes", etc. I don't know shit about him other than the fact that he 'raps' in Big Bang. But if I did my research, I would try to charm the shit out of him.


Also, we don't need to read a play-by-play on how you all expect the night to end. Keep it relatively clean for our younger readers' sakes. Especially for my innocence, please. Please. 








If anyone has suggestions for future Question of the Weeks, please send them by: e-mail to zomg.oppa.sareanghae@gmail.com, tweet them to @akf_shinbi, ask them at http://ask.fm/akfshinbi, or leave them in the comment section below. Remember your rights on this site: anything you say or do here can and probably will be used against you. Thank you, FISHies!

Exploitable Yura

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Well, I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone...

Pick your favourite from the following:

Traditional AKF style mix


Australian Patriot version


Shipper's delight (PS by me, drawing by AKF)


Sulli_fag-inspired edit


Australian Patriot 2/Gwar version


K-pop social justice warrior's edit


Or make your own and link in the comments below!

Hyunyoung for Maxim

BESTie's Dahye Is Ready To Make Your Dick Explode

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Through my awesome foresight, I predict that Dahye will be destroying bias lists left and right with BESTie's upcoming comeback. Though Haeryung is my favorite because she's such a qt3.14, I can't deny that Dahye is the definition of 8======D~~~~~. She looks even more amazing than usual in these teasers, so enjoy.



The first thing she did was change her hair from red to a mixture of brown and red, and I don't know exactly why, but I think it looks much better than the bright red she had in Love Options.


Plus she is wearing the sexiest outfit in the group.



If you watch their interview they had with Loen for Pit-a-Pat, when they were discussing their role in the group, Hyeyeon said she was the leader, Yuji said she was the main vocalist, Haeryung said she was the maknae...and Dahye said she was in charge of the waist and butt in the group.

If you look at the gifs for Pit-A-Pat...


...it's hard to disagree with her.

Fancam time (though this could have been a Fancam Appreciation post right here, fuck it. It fits with the Dahye theme of this post better.)





SNSD's Teasers Are Either Genius or Lame, But I Can't Decide

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??????




So, while we're waiting on the Mr. Mr. MV from SNSD to come out this century, SM has been releasing these short teasers of the members. While I can understand the appeal in the teasers, I don't honestly see the point. Is the data so corrupted on the music video that they have to resort to making videos like this, where it takes them 20 seconds to film a random scene while SNSD waits in SM's dungeon, feigning being slaves while in the process so as to show Sones a "normal" side of the SNSD members? In that regard, that's where I think these teasers are genius. In order to feed delusional Sones, SM is throwing Sones snippets of SNSD's "normal" life, making them more relatable...





And here you were, expecting me to defile Jessica by editing a penis that is jizzing on her face.



Even imaginary MS Paint penises need to take breaks once in a while.

Park Si Hoo Returns To Drama Land

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*You can read about everything on Asian Junkie, but I'll just be a skeptic and say that he raped the woman just for the sake of argument. However, even though he was never proven guilty, he was never proven innocent either, which is why he still has this cloud over his head. Here's the NB article if you like reading comments about translated comments. I won't comment this time about comments regarding translated comments.




Yes, yes, I can understand why Ye Seul hasn't been in a drama for a few years. She left the set. Was it the smartest thing to do? Absolutely not, but the conditions were bad enough for her to do so. She had been praised for her work ethic plenty of times before Spy Myung Wol. However, she gets shit for bringing attention to a legitimate problem that still hasn't been addressed in the Korean entertainment system. Sure, there are some regulations that minors can't work certain hours, but there is an easy way to bypass that: just ask the parents for permission. So, nothing has really happened on that front, and the Korean drama system suffers from Stockholm Syndrome when they defend the system. Ye Seul has had plenty of casting rumors since the summer of 2012, though there are rumors that some dramas won't/can't cast her because advertisers don't want her...

...but they're fine with someone who has potentially raped someone? They're willing to overlook Park Si Hoo's "criminal" (since he wasn't sentenced, he isn't an actual criminal per se) history, but will shun someone who didn't actually physically harm anyone? Maybe advertisers should overlook Han Ye Seul's Spy Myung Wol scandal so that we can see her tits lovely smile on TV again.



Whoops, I mean I only like Ye Seul because of her radiant smile.


Yeah, I'm sure I fooled about three people with that statement.



Netizens Bitching About Naeun's Admission Into Dongguk University

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I guess after pulling a Shinbot and scheduling seven articles for the Fancam Appreciation series, I guess I should return to AKF's roots of discussing why I think certain opinions are retarded. Okay, I guess fancams are in AKF's roots too.

Anyway, the basis of this post is the NB article regarding Naeun's admission into Dongguk University.


My first reaction when I read the article: Cool, nice to see that she's furthering her education.
My reaction after reading the article: Why do these people even care?

Korean universities typically use idols for brand exposure, or else there wouldn't be any special admissions. And it is not as if idols are the only ones getting special admissions into universities in Korea. Unless someone shows me proof otherwise, I don't see how celebrities getting admitted into university takes away a spot from someone else. If it's a special admission, I would assume that there aren't relations to the people getting in through regular admissions. 

Anyway, I have two major problems with all of the attention thrown at this problem. The first one is about why do people even care and the second is in regards to people saying idols don't need an education.

Why do people care? Is it envy or jealousy? In life, what other people are doing with their lives has nothing to do with me as long as they're positively contributing to society in any way. I only care about someone's actions if they are a detriment to society, because then their detrimental actions may end up harming other people. Does the fact that Naeun goes to university causing any harm to anyone out there. Unless someone has Naeunilitis, where they get too much inflammation in their dick when they see Naeun shake her ass, I don't buy it.

On the contrary, many of the people feel spiteful towards Naeun and feel entitled to have the same rewards as her in life. Sorry, but wake up from you World of Fantasy and wake up to reality. People will obtain things that you possibly can't. It's your fault for focusing too much on the matters of other people instead of focusing solely on yourself. Focus on making yourself succeed in life, because there are plenty of obstacles as is, and you don't need jealousy and envy to be two extra obstacles in your life.

When people have such a way of thinking, they're externalizing their failures as a psychological self-defense mechanism. However, that's simply avoiding the problem. Everyone has failures in their life. So learn from them instead of blaming others for your problem. If you have time to bitch about your problems, you also have the time to fix them. For example, say you're the hypothetical student that got their slot taken away from Naeun. Supposing that's how the system works in the first place, even if Naeun didn't take your spot, it's not as if you were guaranteed that spot. You were on the cusp, along with many other applicants. Instead of going home and bitching about how Naeun took your spot, reflect (lol, now I sound like a true Korean) on why you most likely wouldn't have been admitted in the first place and look for ways to make yourself look more impressive the next time you apply. Being a miserable cunt is the easiest thing to be in this world, being someone who works for their success and happiness is much harder.


I'm just stupefied by these comments. Idols don't deserve education just because of their supposed good income. Sorry to break your world of fantasy again, but not everyone earns the same as Suzy does in the industry. Suzy is an outlier, one of the few idols who can live off of her CF deals for life even if she became irrelevant tomorrow, providing that she has invested and saved her money wisely. Most idols don't make anything at all because their group doesn't bring in enough revenue to cover all of the expenses their company paid to them. Most idols become idols for the attention and fame, not because they love making next to nothing.

Considering the average idol group has a short life span, why shouldn't idols go to university to get an education? Sure, many idols get their degrees in something like theater or music, however, they'll learn critical thinking skills in their other classes, which is a skill Koreans desperately need given their hive mentality in general and their high school education system. (There is nothing inherently wrong with rote memorization, but that system alone isn't enough).

Consider that a high school student enters an idol academy when they are 17 (in Korean years; their first year in high school) and train through all three years of the high school life. Then they debut when they're 20 and promote 3-4 songs a year in their group because their company needs to recoup the expenses of those three years of training for every member in the group. Well, that group disbands three years later due to the company not being able to afford to promote the group any longer. Now the person is 23 years old, didn't make any money during those three years of being an idol, and now has to apply for any job that she can and possibly end up working 2-3 jobs to support herself. I see nothing wrong with an honest living as long as you do your work well. However, in industrialized countries, we are indoctrinated to believe that certain jobs are below us. Going with that indoctrinated way of thinking, because of your envy and jealousy, you want to deny idols getting a university education, forcing that idol to work at jobs "beneath" herself a few years later because of your misconstrued view of reality.

Maybe it's just me, but I would rather worry about my problems and learning how to fix them, and possibly help others if I have the opportunity, rather than bitch and moan about someone else's success while having a pity party, cursing the world for not giving me the things that I feel entitled to. I guess I just find it preferrable to be someone who keeps working at what I wish to achieve than to be a sniveling cunt.

CRAYON PUNK

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When 2012 finished and I said that Rania's "Style" was the song of the year, I had to deal with a lot of butthurt from k-pop fans who disagreed with my opinion.  Mercifully, the whining at that time was restricted only to people that I personally knew, and those that listen to my radio show (as I also played my favourites list on-air) - my blogging wasn't very popular at that time because I had only just started writing.   Twelve months later when at the end of 2013 I said that Crayon Pop's "1,2,3,4" was the song of the year, it was a different story; the butthurt was far more extreme as now it had also manifested online.

For those who haven't heard this amazing song yet, here it is again:


Many people didn't understand this selection, or thought I was stupid/on drugs, or just making it up to be cool/uncool/trendy/non-trendy/whatever, so I thought I'd explain it more deeply.


So what do I think is so great about 1,2,3,4?

* Great melodies that anybody can enjoy - CHECK

* Melodic keyboard riffs worthy of Sammy Hagar-era 80s Van Halen - CHECK

* Goofiness and FUN pushed to the forefront in a scene where so many people take everything idols sing, say and do way, way, WAY too fucking seriously - MOTHER FUCKING CHECK, YOU CUNTING BITCH CUNT FUCK WHORES

* Another great punk song from Crayon Pop, the first punk group in the ultra-commercial end of k-pop - CHE...

cpwat

Okay, that last point might require a little more clarification, so here we go with:

HOW CRAYON POP IS (KIND OF) LIKE A PUNK GROUP

Musically

Music fashion comes in waves.  Styles and techniques come into fashion, and then go out of fashion.  Whenever music in popular culture veers heavily in one direction, you can bet it's going to come crashing through the other way later on down the track.  An example: look at all the Autotune that was all over almost every k-pop song four or five years ago... how many new k-pop releases have (obvious or "hard") Autotune in them in 2014?  A few but not many - that robot-voice sound defines the "naughties" (2000-2010), it's simply yesterday's sound and you won't hear much of it over the next few years compared to previously for this reason.

When the first wave of punk music initially rose to popularity in 1976, it was a similar shift in music fashion - a reaction to 1970s progressive rock, which was getting more and more musically complicated and technical at the time.  The originalpunkgroups had simple, stripped-back songs that anybody could sing and play... because the original performers could barely sing and play the songs themselves.  A bunch of people found this incredibly inspiring - 70s prog rock with all its complex twists and turns seemed impossible to even memorise let alone perform without years of practice, but here was some music anybody could do.  The punk scene spread like wildfire in a few short months because people watching the initial shows thought "hey, these guys have cool songs but their playing and singing sucks fucking monkey cock all night long... if these talentless losers can do cool music, why can't I?" - and promptly started up groups of their own.

It's no secret that Korean pop music is succumbing to obsession about technique more and more - as competition between groups heats up,  everyone is trying to outsing, outdance, and outwank everyone else.  In the meantime, the songs themselves are being somewhat forgotten.  Although far from Crayon Pop's best song, it's clear in this context why so many people latched onto BarBarBar:


Basic singing, basic dancing, it sounds FUN and anybody can do this.  Look at all the people in the background dancing.  Now imagine if it was Exo's "Wolf" playing, there might be two people dancing in the background at the most because who else besides Exo themselves and the most extreme of cray-cray fans can actually dance to that fucking shit?  Crayon Pop makes music that is enjoyable for everybody, not just those belonging to the snobby elite k-pop sing-and-dance "OMG they're not doing it correctly" club.  Notice how at 1:52 Choa fucks up an arm movement?  Nobody gives a fuck, and nobody should.  Obsessing about correct dance moves and vocal technique would only serve to alienate the audience who has come to have a good time, so think before you pick it apart, you party-pooping cunt.

craycray

cranay

craycray2

DIY (do it yourself) ethos

DIY ethos is part of what defines punk.  Many of the early groups couldn't get record deals because nobody would touch them because their singing/playing was so shit, so the groups said "fuck all these people saying we can't do this or that, nobody will ever give us a break, let's just figure out how to do this shit ourselves" and started making their own records, booking their own shows, and touring whole countries by sleeping on people's floors.   Plenty of people didn't want to touch Crayon Pop either, and they couldn't get on music shows, so they performed outdoors with portable ghetto-blasters in all types of weather to find another way to bring their music to the people.



"But wait a second", I hear you say, "it's not really Crayon Pop themselves doing it, I mean... they're just puppets of their label, right?  This has nothing to do with punk, it's totally manufactured popular music!"

Well, newsflash motherfuckers: so is just about every punk group that you've ever heard of that reached any level of fame or notoriety.  Let's look at the big three of the first wave of punk: The Sex Pistols were very much Svengali'ed by manager Malcolm McLaren (although the exact extent of which is disputed and remains controversial to this day, but given Malcolm's track record his influence would have not been minimal).  The Clash were a completely manufactured group that were put together by CBS to rival The Sex Pistols and their music and image was carefully crafted to this end.  The Ramones didn't give a shit about punk music (which hadn't been invented yet) and really wanted to be as pop as possible, the group idolised 60's pop Motown artists to the extent that they even hired notoriously unhinged Motown producer Phil Spector to produce an album in an attempt to secure pop stardom.  The term "punk" used to refer to a homosexual, its first reference to music comes from The Ramones' song "Judy Is A Punk" and the group only fell into the punk rock niche because they weren't self-aware enough to realise that their leather-jacket image, wall-of-noise guitar sound and general ugliness was complete anathema to pop music fans.

And don't even get me started on the more modern big punk groups.  Things only got more corporate-friendly from here, as the music industry machine moved swiftly to sterilise punk music's safety pins and make it just another arm of its standard operations.  Those groups that look so rebellious onstage - in the record company office, they are all "yes, sir, no sir, three bags full sir".  Believe it.

Ideology

Punk isn't just a musical form, all punk music also has a central idea.  Contrary to popular belief, it's not necessarily an idea about politics or social rebellion or whatever (as punk music actually covers the entire spectrum of political thought).  The central idea that permeates each and every piece of punk music worth listening to can basically be summed up like this:

caryhelm copy

In music, the idea is always king - everything else flows from it.  Punk gave voice to people who had ideas, and the drive to execute them, but not necessarily the talent to execute them to the kind of technical standard that the pop music world traditionally expects.  The ideology of punk told them "your lack of ability doesn't matter - if you can convey your idea, and it's a good idea, the end result might be a bit rough around the edges but it will still be worthwhile".  This is why often artists who sound nothing like a traditional punk group are still sometimes given the punk label anyway - it's a way for people to say "this person isn't technically inclined or doesn't care for technique, but their concept is great and they're doing things in a different way which is still cool and worth your time".

Crayon Pop are nothing if not an ideas group.  Whether it's the members themselves with the ideas or their management doesn't matter in the end, because the result is the same - you get to see a group do a fucking cool Bruce Lee concept in a genre where everyone else is either the cute girlfriend or the sexy girlfriend (not that there's anything wrong with those things, but viva la difference).



And you're going to pick on them because their songs don't have vocal wank in them, or they might miss a note or a dance move?  Fuck off.  You should be grateful for Crayon Pop's existence, because ideas is what keeps a music genre afloat, not technique, and we all know what music with no ideas sounds like.

CL Doesn't Have Shit On Seohyun!

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This song is everything I hate about hiphop, and I love hiphop a lot. Taking all of the shit elements and putting it in a shit blender, well, you're going to get one shitty ass result. The following was my reaction after I had finished listening to the song.





Seohyun to the rescue!

Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 51

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This week's photo comes from an anonymous asker from my Ask.fm:

Thank you for your submission!

This is disturbing for multiple reasons.

For example:
This has 2552 subscribers and 81 726 views. That literally means that 2552 people out there subscribed to this author so that they may see more of his/her literary masterpieces regarding a K-idol's phallus.

Do you know how long this fan fiction was? In its entirety (and completely unedited by me. But considering how bad it is, you probably would have wanted one of us to edit this):

I had to read this garbage so that I could share it with you. Now I have forced you all to read it. Life isn't fair, is it.

Are you shitting me? Wow. The next generation really does not appreciate the fine art of writing. And I am saying that on this site.

This better be a troll. 

The author even wrote a foreword and posted a YouTube video for it. Barf. If you want to see everything for yourself, go here: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/320634/life-as-zhang-yixing-s-penis-comedy-crackfic-fantasy-exo-crack-lay-yixing/18#_=_

But I warn you: Brain cells will die. Trust me, I am a self-proclaimed neuroscientist.

~*~*~

If anyone has submissions for future Stupid Things Fangirls Utter, please send them to zomg.oppa.sareanghae@gmail.com, tweet them to @akf_shinbi, ask them at ask.fm/akfshinbi, or leave them in the comment section below. Remember your rights on this site: anything you say or do here can and probably will be used against you. Thank you, FISHies!

Fancam Appreciation #3 - Nine Muses' Sera

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This week's fancam appreciation comes from Rac, who recommended some Sera fancams. Nine Muses is one of those groups where every member has a body that fits someone's tastes, and there aren't any truly horrifying members in the group, so the fancams are just to appreciate your favorite member instead of avoiding the Bom of the group.






As usual, use the Contact page to send in recommendations for this series! I won't be able to respond to everyone (because it would simply clutter my inbox, since every email from that page is in a chain of replies), but I will have all of the fancams scheduled for posts in the future. If you don't see your recommendations, it just means that they have been scheduled for a future post so as to not burn through all of the suggestions in a week.

The More Detailed Life of Zhang Yixing's Penis

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Yeah, I have no idea who this guy is, but we'll assume that he's straight for this fanfic, inspired by Shinbi's STFU #51 article.

You know the drill, don't eat or anything while reading my fanfics. Also, don't be a dumbass and read this at school, work, or with other people around.



Zhang Yixing (hereafter Lay, yes I had to Google who the hell this was...and I still don't know who Lay is...just that he gets to lay a chick in this fanfic) had grown tired of banging his fellow EXO members up the poop shoot. As his his penis, I find this extremely liberating. If you ever thought that you had a shitty day, well FUCK YOU. YOU DON'T KNOW FUCKING SHIT ABOUT HAVING A SHITTY DAY. STOP USING YOUR FUCKING HYPERBOLES WHEN YOU HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED TRUE HORROR.

After a long night of dangling up and down as Lay was practicing dance moves, he finally took a shower. Lord knows that I needed that shower, because the balls and I fucking reek after being drenched in sweat. Thankfully Lay didn't tug on me like he usually does in the shower, but I thought something was wrong.

After blinding me like usual by putting on some boxers and pants, I had to suffer like I do 23 hours of the day. I have claustrophobia man. I am stuck in a cramped space with these fucking balls, man. No matter how many times Lay washes them, they still stink. Have you ever sat with that fat, smelly kid who never showered, and if he did shower, it was through using dog shit as soap and using dog piss to wash it off? if you have, imagine sitting by that fucker for 23 hours a day. It fucking sucks man.

About an hour later, I finally saw some light and Lay was on top of some Exotic. Ah, smart man, taking advantage of his delusional fangirls so that he can take a break from being an ass pirate. As Lay started licking the girl's pussy, blood started rushing into me at a rapid rate. God damn it, not again. I was get real hard and stiff, and it gives me the creeps, because nasty things always happen to me after this. Sure, every kid dreams of being a Super Saiyan like Goku when they are younger, but my situation is similar to that, but only bad things happen to me after that transformation.

Damn, it sucks being nauseous every time I'm in this state. To make matters worse, I'm very queasy. Oh God, no, not this! The fangirl's hand clasped me and started stroking up and down. Doesn't this bitch know that I have motion sickness?! Yet she keeps jerking me around. What a bitch. Next she opened her mouth and started sucking on me. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? This bitch's breath smells nasty, man. That fucking kimchi she ate earlier smells like it's rotting on her stomach, because I can smell the shit from here. And God damn it, having her tongue touch every part of me is making me sick. It's just not sanitary, and being covered in saliva from head to base of the shaft is gross. Imagine if your dog or whatever licked you all over your entire body. You would be grossed out, wouldn't you? Because I sure the fuck am.

Finally, that was over. I feel a little nauseous at this point, but the balls are doing well to hold the vomit in. He always works hard to stop the vomit from coming out, but sometimes it is out of our hands. Oh no, oh God damn it. Not this again.

Lay finally stuck me inside of this girl's vagina. Man, imagine having motion sickness while being thrust in and out of a dark, narrow, wet, warm and humid cave. That reeks of fucking fish. Now you know my life, you fucking UCAADs. Every time Lay pulls me out to slap me on the bitch's vagina, I thank him for it. I still think it's abuse that he's slapping me on her clit, but man, I actually get the breathe in some fresh fucking air.

After about ten minutes of that terrible experience, I felt like I was halfway to throwing up, but the balls were hanging in there to hold the vomit in. We both had a little reprieve as the girl was bent over doggy style with Lay's face sandwiched in her ass. He was licking her asshole. Oh God, I have a real bad feeling about this.

NO. NOOO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Lay was trying his hardest to force me into this girl's asshole, but I wasn't having any of that. At the very least she could have had an enema, but no, they didn't even do that. Would you want to be shoved into a very tight and narrow canal that contained remnants of fecal matter? I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK SO. MY LIFE SUCKS SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

Each thrust in her asshole feels like a ten hour long nightmare. There are corn bits in her rectum that weren't expelled the last time this girl took a shit, and that's just fucking sick, man. There were remnants of fecal matter clinging to the walls of her rectum, and brushing against them was making me very sick. At the very least this bitch could have used some colon cleansing supplements if she wasn't kind enough to have an enema. Lay kept thrusting and thrusting, with each thrust bring me closer to throwing up.

Lay finally pulled me out of that girl's asshole, but the girl started sucking on me again while jerking me off. Hey bitch, I'm still trying to recover from being inside of your nasty---

Blaaaaagghhhh. Euuugghhh. Blaaaahhhh.

The balls and I just couldn't take it any longer. We threw up in the girl's mouth. Just the thought of this bitch sucking on me makes me queasy enough, but to do so after I was in her asshole for five minutes? I have my limits, you fucking UCAADs. I have my fucking limits.

And she even swallowed my vomit. Along with all of that nasty bacteria from her ass. What a sick son of a bitch. Luckily I'm not able to throw up again right now, because I definitely would.

I need Lay to take a shower. A nice, long shower in the hottest water I can withstand.

Fuck my life.

Haiku song reviews - many reviews in one post - can you handle it?

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People are always / asking me for all my "thoughts" / about k-pop songs

I normally do / not review songs, I find it / boring as batshit

But due to demand / I will make an exception / and review some songs

Please now enjoy these / Korean pop songs reviews / in Haiku format
 
These are all for songs / that I have been asked for my / "thoughts" on recently

euhan


Just because it is / better than I Got A Boy / does not say a lot

They love me cos I'm / using cringeworthy English / where is my rifle

That cheesy chorus / cripples a good song, oh well / at least they look good

IU's "Modern Times" / has made jazz big bands trendy / now we pay the price

Ride on K.will's fame / smart publicity move, girls / pity the song sucks

No-one gave a shit / about this group until now / sexy concepts work

A really good song / hope The Eurythmics don't sue / good luck with that, girls

Once I stopped fapping / I noticed the song was good / nobody else cared

This sounds a lot like / all their other fucking songs / that's not a bad thing

Go back to the front / shatter North Korean shells / with that falsetto

Dubstep please fuck off / out of Korean pop songs / you have no place here

Are you kidding me / I'm over eight years old cunt / fuck this Disney trash

Smoky girl smoky / girl smoky girl smoky girl / too repetitive

This is really good / where did this songwriter go / hire him back, you whores

It didn't need all / those extra sections in it /  it's really too long, and the structure is / all over / the place, it could have / used some trimming down, like, seriously edit that fucker - remove / all the pointless sections /and we don't need Taewoon rapping in every CCM song these days do we / other than that I guess it was okay / they have worse songs I suppose

*

The next list is all / fan video submissions / from my ask fm

I told followers / to submit videos that /  they wanted "thoughts" on

And that I would then / put my answers in a blog / for them to visit

They were not told that / I would use haiku format / for the reviewing

I received over / 100 song submissions / these are the best ones

hanqri

This song is decent / wow a good Infinite song / sometimes pigs do fly

What a boring song / I guess Kahi's time is up / unemployable

Jamiroquai sucks / so do any Koreans / ripping off his trash

Haiku verses are / not sufficient to describe / how boring this is

Great Shodan concept / but Sohee's hair is horrid / time to shoot myself

Worthless ballad trash / why k-pop fans like this shit / I have no idea

Raping my eardrums / stop making music right now / my ears will thank you

Called "Painkiller" but / not a Judas Priest cover / I am disappoint

Why is most k-rap / wimpy soft R&B shite / Ellin is hot though

Boring disco funk / but it's okay because I / don't need sound to fap

League of Legends skins / is the only worthwhile thing / that this song produced

I have this album /  I tried to give it away / no-one wanted it

If I was that girl / I would have picked the guy with / no greasy mullet

Singing in her ear / take your shit ballad elsewhere / she just wants some sleep

What's Your Name was crap / this is slightly better but / so is lung cancer

The only good song / TVXQ ever had / as a five piece group

K-pop fans are dumb / I saw the plot twist coming / 40 seconds in

Song starts off okay / why does it go all stupid / trendy fucking shit

What is "manyo maash"? / maybe she means her cleavage / I'm not complaining

The most consistent / nine member k-pop girl group / in the world today

I forgot this group / had a ballad this awful / unlistenable

euhan3

Great early concept / why they also do soft songs / I don't fucking know

Why did the label / x over the naughty word / when she still sings it?

Shinsadong Tiger / must take them on Bangbus trips / book them now, ladies

Watched the whole MV / saw almost zero boobies / what a waste of time

Apink: a request / please do a sexy concept / just to troll k-netz

This sounds a lot like / T-ara's Apple Is A / except not as good

Why such a low res / what good is SNSD / without the perving

Who builds a sports court / with concrete posts in the way / how fucking stupid

Nell is fucking shit / why get excited by this / third-rate Coldplay clone

Sounds a bit EXO / I guess these days EXO get / SM's reject songs

 Guard tower unmanned / hey sniper get back up there / your work not finished

Tip for single men: / breaking into her bedroom / not a good idea

Bora and CL / should release a rap project / called "bad meaning bad"

Hyoyoung crawls into / her sister's gaping cunthole / and finds a rodent

They blocked out the sun / burning junk to make MVs / for shit k-ballads

This veteran group / should have enough business clout / to refuse dubstep

JYP should have / given this song to miss A / not that Hush garbage

DSP hate them / fixing aspect ratio / low priority

Wow Girl's Day sure had / some complete fucking stinkers / in the early days

Nazi fetish look / without swastika armbands? / cake without icing

The best song ever / my purpose in life complete / I can die happy

jiyhany2

Consorting with the Enemy

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The funniest thing about SNSD and 2NE1 having comebacks at roughly the same time (aside from the songs themselves, those are fucking jokes too) is the amount of back-and-forth wank that flies about on social media. Few things give me more pleasure than cackling at how crazy these fangirls/boys get over something so trivial as popularity contests or music show wins.

However, it seems like SNSD has taken the edge in this competition so far. You know shit has gotten dire for the Blackjack fandom when their biggest fansite/forum posts tweets like this to rally the troops.



If you don't care/remember why this is somewhat of a big deal, Genie is an app whored out by SM groups in every music video or opportunity they get.


How does it make sense for Blackjacks to be telling other Blackjacks to use SM's app to make 2NE1 beat SNSD? My mind is pretty boggled at the logic, but I'm sure if 2NE1 scores a win, they'll be happier they did it using SM's own app against them.

It's time for another intervention

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(This was originally titled "Why Jeremy Scott is detrimental to youths 'round the world and needs to be stopped," but that was a mouthful.)

About a year ago, I lobbied kpop fans everywhere to stage an intervention for F.T. Island's Lee Hong Ki when he was hitting the nail art pretty hard. Now, it's time to step in and stop another group of idols stuck in a pattern of abuse. Watching one of 2ne1's latest videos, "Happy," made me come to a realization: 2ne1 is too often under the influence — under the influence of Jeremy Scott.




I know what you're thinking: "Uh, Fany, he's just some ridank designer who makes crazy clothing. That's not hurting anyone." Is that all he's doing, because I beg to differ.

You see, his constant presence around 2ne1 is like a drug, a fug drug, if you will. As long as his influence on them persists, the group will never break free from his fashion dungeon. The effects of JS are that severe. Observe:

Our tale begins with an ordinary young woman finding her way in the big city.


Meet Dara. Her likes include her cat, the Philippines, and her brother, Thunder.


She soon finds a great group of friends, and when they're together, it's like fuckin' "Sex and the City" ... without the sex.


Notice how normal everyone looks here (Note: This is an exercise in relativity.).


Being young and poor, the group doesn't have a lot of money to spend on entertainment, though, so they often just hang out on the street corner. 


Like hookers bums


Unfortunately, like so many lost souls before them, the girls are taken in by the street life and fall in with the wrong crowd. That's when they're introduced to JS, and its influence radically changes their lives.


That's the one.


Under the influence of JS, the girls begin partying hard and not giving a fuck (because obviously anyone wearing those clothes has long stopped giving two shits about anything, such as their appearance or good taste). Jeremy Scotting changes people, you see. The girls start blowing off their friends and shirking their duties, and it's not too long before recklessness kicks in.


Dara, whacked out on JS and behind the wheel


And eventually, things spiral out of control, and the girls start to pay for their crimes (against fashion).


This shot was taken just moments before Bom got busted for using in public. 


That's where our story ends, unfortunately, with four women's images ruined by JS. So kpop fans, I implore you all to work together to help 2ne1 say goodbye to the fug drug. 




Because they're better than this:




Need more proof? Check out the group's video for "Happy."


[AYSLT] Huckleberry P

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Huckleberry P is a solo rapper and also part of the duo Pinodyne. He's been one of my favorite underground hiphop artists over the past few years, releasing one of my favorite albums, Get Backers along with Suda. Enjoy.
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