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Fanfic Fridays: That Empty Bus Seat

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Last Friday was... torture.

The writing was entirely elementary but the comments on the article gave me hope.
I have decided to try again; there must be a good kpop fanfiction out there.


Time to dabble into the minds of arguably the most rabid fanbase out there: EXO stans.


This story drew me in by a very interesting tag: “you”.

Yes, I was going to be a main character in this fabulous story although I suspect it was to allow easier self insertion for their “oppar luvs me” fantasies. Apparently no one makes Mary Sue original characters any more. God damn kids these days are so lazy. Back in my day we'd spend long hours in MS Paint tracing over anime artwork giving our selves characters rainbow hair and magical powers. These 12-years olds have lost all their ambition.

The good old days
The description this time was thankfully short. It set up the complete lack of plot very nicely, describing a person who partakes in the act of creeping on a stranger in the bus. This is real romance right there.

I was written as a girl by the name of Shin Aera who is outgoing and sweet and hates people who don't pay attention. I most definitely have a personality and am not at all a completely blank canvas with only vague concepts masquerading as human traits. This boy “Lay” had twice as much going on but I suppose he has the benefit of being an existing person. I also have a best friend who is as character deficient as I am. She is useless.

Let's get this chapter started.


If there's one thing I could say, it was that this benefits from using the second person narrative.

It is not any more clever in its use of language than Beyond Repair but rather it reads like a Choose Your Own Adventure book or those old school text based games. Because of this, the author doesn't need to use a plethora of literary devices and can just scrape by with the bare minimums and let the reader's imaginations fill in the blanks.

I was doing the most mundane things in this fan-fiction, as expected from a romance. I waited at the bus stop, boarded the bus and sat next to a boy. My life experiences do not parallel these in the slightest as it is near impossible to board a maxi taxi or bus without getting ass in your face. How I did not smell the curry and daal another passenger ate for lunch is beyond me. Suspension of disbelief BROKEN.

Always double check
To be quite honest, reading this made me feel creepy. Nothing here felt real. Am I supposed to believe that I literally take the exact same bus everywhere? I don't even know how that is possible. I'm pretty sure buses have set routes; so do I just not go anywhere else? To top it all off this omgsosuperdreamydrool boy is always on this bus, with a seat open next to him?

My mind fogged up. There was a reason I never got into the romance genre. Everything about it was simply too unreal and the entire driving force of the narrative relied on me being attracted to the characters enough to want them together.

News Flash: I have no desire to be around Lay.

The author doesn't make any effort to put any chemistry between “me” and SM clone #2354 (the biggest interaction we had was when he picked up my bus pass) but it not like she has to. It's assumed you're reading this because you want a story where the happily ever after ends in you boning a minor celebrity. Why else would you read this?

Subtle
But I was still reading. Still on the bus. My plot device of a friend texted me urging me to move it along because the author is getting bored of writing about the deafening silence and my thoughts about his mysterious sexiness.

And then I saw it.


You couldn't help it, could you? The fangirl in you just had to violently come out like a chestburster. You couldn't settle for having a member as a love interest or even stop at your friend dating one. Nope. You needed to be friends with six.

Up until now, I've been giving the author the benefit of the doubt, but this is just excessive. I get it. You're a fan and you love them but is it too much to ask to be less revolting about it? Can't you spread them out a bit? Can't one be like a family member or someone from your sports club or that dude picking his nose in the back of class? Why are they ALL friends?


Now that's just fucking scary. Psycho fan wants to collect EXO members like Pokemon. I could no longer maintain the “you” mindset. This was not me. If my belief was broken before, it's fucking shattered into a million irreparable pieces right now. Who collects people?


Actually. I have changed my mind. These two mentally unstable sociopaths are perfect for each other.

Comments






This is physically hurting me to read.
Did everyone here escape from a mental institution? There was nothing written that was remotely exciting enough to warrant this reaction.
Nothing.
Happened.

However, in the author's defence it is about as well written as any romance drivel you'll find in the young adult section. It's nothing mind blowing or interesting, but at least it's competent and not tedious to read. It helps that this chapter was nice and short. If you're desperate to walk a mile in the shoes of a fangirl, this one would do the trick. However, be wary; there's 50 chapters.

As for me, I'll be here again next week to press my luck in finding something that suits my tastes.


Fancam Appreciation #8 - Hello Venus' Yooyoung

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Don't let Yooyoung's title of maknae fool you into believing that the only charms she has is being cute. She has a great body that Pledis keeps under wraps most of the time. Just think if she were in Rainbow Blaxx or some shit, because there would be a lot of awesome pics out there.




If you have any suggestions for this series, use the Contact form. For now, keep enjoying my string of suggestions for the series.

KPOPALYPSE survey!

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Take the KPOPALYPSE survey!

survey

Sorry about the one I posted earlier on a different site that some of you saw before I had to pull it down.  If you did it before feel free to do it again.

  After the old one collected 50 responses, it locked me out of seeing your survey answers until I paid a fee!  I'd be fine with that if it wasn't something the software sneakily hid from me until after the survey was made and published.  Fucked if I'm going along with that scammy bullshit so I recreated the survey on another site that doesn't have those limitations.

Just for clarification this is a survey about Kpopalypse, and I'm only one of the Anti Kpop-Fangirl writers!  I did see a couple of your questions you guys had before the entire thing locked me out, so FYI:  I wasn't involved in writing the T-ara "Day By Day" review (which predates my time on this site) nor did I invent the term UCAAD (Upstanding Citizen of African-American Descent).
 
KPOPALYPSE will return with a new post in a few days, and a date for the next livestream!

Teaser For WGM International

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The first episode may have already aired by the time this article comes out, but I have a real dilemma in regards to watching this season of WGM International.


On one hand, Puff Kuo>>>>>>>>>>>>>





On the other hand, Heechul...

Sure, I ship lesbian couples all the time, but only if both people are women, not one woman and one feminine-as-fuck looking dude being the pairing. It's just the kind of crap you'd see in a bad shoujo anime.

M.I.B. - Chisa Bounce

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Do you want to listen to a male group that won't make you feel gay while listening to them? Sometimes, I think licking a dude's asshole while fondling his nutsack would be LESS gay than listening to a song from a group by Boyfriend. Yeah, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Yeah, sometimes the shit I write makes me question my sanity.



I was simply looking for more material for articles to schedule, so I happened to see Soompi post an article about this. My general rule is to avoid boy bands because the vast majority cater to teenage girls in love with oppa, and I'm the furthest thing away from that as you could be.

However, I am glad that I did listen to this song. M.I.B. is a group that can actually be enjoyed by guys. M.I.B. is a group of rappers from the underground that debuted under Jungle Entertainment, so they're not from the same shitty idol rapping facility that spits out the rest of the shitty idol rappers that we unfortunately have to listen to. While their rapping isn't as good as it could be considering the type of songs they're producing for their target audience, the rapping is alright. I mean, I'm not writing a long story about how I want a swarm of bees to enter my ear drums and sting the shit out of them while having fire ants go up through my urethra and burn the living shit out of my dick as opposed to listening to the rapping from these guys. 

[MV Review] NS YoonG - Yasisi

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NS YoonG returns with an amazing spectacle of an MV to say the least to kickoff her new album release. HOW DOES IT FARE?

Now with official subtitles!!

After seeing the teasers for this music video, I was understandably hype. You can't blame me, NS YoonG is one of the most gorgeous women in KPop right now and her discography usually does not disappoint. Thankfully, the visual aspect of her performance is still as good as ever.

You think this MV is just sexy writhing and hip-shaking from NS YoonG (and you'd be 70% correct), but there's actually a devious, devious storyline buried between NS YoonG's lovely hips. I've taken the liberty of gif-ing the storyline and providing the captions for what's going on in the story.

*italics indicate internal monologue*










As you can see, the story line matches well with the song's lyrical content. NS YoonG plays a wily lesbian who seduces men, only to leave them blueballed like shit because she's a bitch like that. The lyrics are blatantly sexual (almost like a slap to the face to anyone still trying to say "KPOP IS INNOCENT") to the point where the song title and chorus explicitly say "It's sexual."

I personally like the lyrics because it doesn't pretend to be something its not. There's no room for deep interpretation, you can't pretend it's innocent, and it's kind of refreshing to hear a woman sing about sex like this. Of course, it's all a big cocktease, but the intent still stands. 

Visually speaking, NS YoonG's MV packs a huge punch to the face. She's a gorgeous girl with a rocking body, and her dance/outfits only emphasize that fact. Like I said earlier, most of the MV is her writhing and shaking her hips BUT IS THAT SO WRONG?

Prolly my favorite dance part.
She's hypnotizing.
The backup dancers' absolute lack of ass only serves to make NS YoonG's so
much better to look at.
Men as props? That's new. Not really.
BABY TOUCH LIKE THAT, TOUCH LIKE THAT
Oh my. If you're an ass kind of person, this MV joins a criminally short list of wonderful MVs for you. NS YoonG's hair, make up, and wardrobe are on point, if not on the safe side.

Going back to the actual song itself, I found it rather nice. It's a safe midtempo song that doesn't stray too far off the beaten path, and NS YoonG doesn't reach for notes she can't hit. Like many songs these days, the accompanying track is full of big brassy instruments, but it isn't too overstated. I will say that it's a little on the Engrishy at times, which NS YoonG really has no excuse for. She speaks perfectly fluent English, but I suppose the songwriters are to blame and she mentally shoots herself in the face every time she says something like "I'm say yoo~ hoo~."

My most major gripe with the song is the shitty dance break inserted at the end. The song was chugging along perfectly fine up until then, so the sudden jarring derailing of the song pissed me off a great deal. Sigh. At least there was no shitty guest rapper, or shoddily put-together attempt to rap from her.

If you're trying to take a look at the other songs on the album, this song is the only the second best one in my opinion. "미친 I" is a much better song, and I think it would have done well as a lead single. It's an interesting tango-inspired uptempo song, you should definitely take a look at this one at least. I'm pretty sure there's supposed to be a companion-style pair of songs in "If I Love You" and "If You Love Me," but I wasn't too interested in them to be honest. 

Who could be when you've got NS YoonG in a lovely one-piece?
And don't forget the obligatory "emerges-out-of-pool" scene that comes with
a bathing suit MV.
TL;DR: NS YoonG is hot.

+:
  • NS YoonG is hot
  • NS YoonG is in a swimsuit
  • NS YoonG is wet
  • the song's decent
  • NS YoonG is hot
  • story line is funny to me, idk why
-:
  • the song is kinda boring
  • a little Engrishy at times
  • wtf dance break
I give this song a solid 3.25 out of 5.

[MV Review] Super Junior M - Swing

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Fun fact: Super Junior M is the only Super Junior I like. For some reason, I really like Super Girl. I don't know. Maybe because it's one of Yoo Young Jin's last good songs before he started sucking major shit out of a cow's ass? Maybe because Jessica is in the MV? Maybe because the song is just cheesy enough to where I find it enjoyable? It remains a mystery as to why I like that song, but I just do. So, I tend to listen to Super Junior M's songs while avoiding the main group's shit (since they've been releasing the same fucking song since 2009 anyway).



I think I may know the real reason as to why I can dig Super Junior M. Leeteuk and Shindong aren't in this sub-unit. I have just never liked those two because they've annoyed me in every variety show I've seen them on. I'm sure someone like Fany is out there yelling "But the fugly fuckface Kyuhyun is still in the subgroup! I'd rather have my head inserted through Shindong's asshole right before he is about to have a severe case of bloody diarrhea while at the same time flicking Leeteuk's bean."

At first, I was digging the song. It's nothing amazing, but I was nodding my head enough not to be bored while listening. And then the dubstep break came in for the dance interjection. On its own, I thought it was a good break from the song, but then the bridge came right after, then back to the chorus, which made the song sound like utter shit to me right there. The structure of it was alright for the first three minutes, but the rest of it felt like it was trying to recreate the shitstorm of the 2013 trend of mashing several different genres together. It ultimately failed.

However, the biggest tragedy is Siwon's mustache.


He looks like an UCTICTF (Upstanding Citizen That Illegally Crossed The Fence). Or a cholo. Or maybe the remnants of Lee Soo Man's ass hairs got stuck to Siwon's upper lip after Siwon got done giving Lee Soo Man a rusty trombone after receiving a facial from Lee Soo Man.

And I don't want to figure out how Siwon got this mustache.

Kara's Gyuri found Jesus

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Read about her epic journey of faith after the jump.


She found him. There he is.

Shit Will Get Posted When It Gets Posted

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Public service announcement because I'm tired of seeing the same type of comments.




You know, I wasn't lying. I'm doing everything I can to keep AKF running. I just don't have the fucking time. Zaku is even taking time out his schedule to do something that we can't announce right now. People keep clamoring for us to write about this or write about that. One, read the article I just linked to. Two, we're not a news site. Who cares when we cover things. Three, we have posted MV reviews 2-4 weeks late on a consistent basis ever since the blog opened. 

I only write once every 10-14 days and schedule all of my articles out over 2-3 weeks. Zaku can't write as much as he used to, either. We do just about 95% of the MV reviews here.

Shit will get posted when it gets posted.

Enjoy some more gifs of BoA.






Jiyeon - 1 Min 1 Sec Teaser

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ALL HAIL THE CYCLOPS OVERLORD! This shit is too good to schedule two weeks into the future when the MV might already be out by then.

Caption This Picture #2

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This is late by a day, but oh well. We had a good amount of entries for the first submission, and I was torn between two really great ones. Here was my pick for last week's winner:

Congratulations to The Dutchess~
This week's submission is:

Do your worst!! And as always, feel free to use our submission box to send in ambiguous or funny pictures you'd like to see captioned for sport and giggles.

Jia Joins JYP Twerk Team

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Jia recently uploaded her audition tape for JYP's unofficial offical Twerk Team on Instagram!


Aside from her friend stealing 80% of the spotlight, and Fei casually sauntering in like the bad bitch she is... I'd say between her and Min, JYP has the groundwork laid for a Twerking Subunit!

LOL JK, JIA'S HORRIBLE. SHE NEEDS TO GO BACK TO THE BASEMENT AND INTERN UNDER MIN SOME MORE.

Fei can get it though, unf.

[MV Review] Akdong Musician - 200%

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So Akdong Musician finally made their debut... After spending so long in the YG basement, people were getting concerned and wondering if they were ever going to see the light of day ever again. With "200%," we can see that their time down there was... interesting, to say the least.



The music video is your standaaaaaaaaaaaaaalkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkd

zzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

.
.
.
.

(A/N: This is where I fell asleep on my keyboard.)
The end.



All jokes aside, this MV is indeed that boring. It's just your standard lighthearted tsundere girl-stalks-guy rom-com-esque storyline. No seriously.



Girl's got it bad. But stalking eventually turns to hope for fangirls all over the world that no matter how unfortunate your looks may be, you still have a chance with the oppa of your dreams. The sister half of Akdong Musician climbs her way out of the friend zone, and it looks as if she's finally made it to the promised land. Just barely one roofie date away from getting that d, reality suddenly sets in harder than Taeyang's Wedding Dress.


I really enjoyed that unfolding effect though, ngl.
This shit makes his strug feel like child's play, man. Shit was brutal. In the end though, our protagonist tsundere never turns to yandere to solve her problems. Honestly speaking, this MV would have been soooooooooo much better if she had gone Gasai Yuno on that other bitch trying to steal her man.

"Oppaaaaaaa~! We'll be together foreeeeeever~!"
At any rate, much like the MV itself, the song isn't much more intaersldkjfkjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjhufaf;

zzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

.
.
.

(A/N: This is where I fell asleep trying to remember the song.)


All jokes aside (again), I really did NOT enjoy that sing talky rap shiet at the beginning. I was under the impression that Akdong Musician was a brother-sister singing duo, so that rap was really jarring. I dunno, it felt like someone was trying to force some magic to happen where it was clearly not clicking. I will give credit where credit is due, though. I like the sister's vocal color, it's very clear and resonant. Whoever mixed this track did a damn good job of it. The brother's voice kinda sounds like what Jay Park would if he could carry a tune, or maybe I'm just imagining things.

The full effect of the song is not that special. I mean sure, it's okay if you like this kind of thing. Yes, it's not as bad as Busker Busker, but it's still pretty damn boring. I just don't get the appeal.

TL;DR: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

+:

  • the foldy third-wheel reveal montage was kinda cool
-:
  • song's boring
  • MV's boring
  • wasted yandere potential
  • wtf are they wearing?
  • poor things should have known what was in store when they signed that contract


I give it 2's out of 5.

Why you don't sound like an idol - inside vocal production

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There's plenty of people these days who know all about the voice and the physiology of singing.  I guess the obsession with vocal knowledge is the cancer that idol TV shows (east and west) have inflicted on the world by continually treating music as a competition with measureable objective standards that don't exist in reality instead of as an entertainment art.  It's one motherfucking boring topic that I couldn't be fucked covering, but I know a lot of people love it and do cover it which is great because it saves me the trouble.  However, how many people know about what happens after the voice leaves the throat and before it gets on a recording that you listen to?  If you've ever wanted to know any of that shit, this post is for you (and if you didn't, you can stop reading now and go fap to Girl's Day videos, bye bye).

rikan copy

I wanted to do a big post about music production as a whole, but it would be too large, there's just so much to cover, so I'm narrowing down the topic to what k-pop fans obsess about most - vocals.  I may post about backings or other instruments in a separate blog sometime in the future depending on what people are curious about, but in the meantime this blog should hopefully answer such questions as:
  • What vocal technique is actually for
  • Why you don't sound like your favourite k-pop idols when you sing and record at home
  • How many pictures of k-pop girls I can shoehorn into a post which isn't specifically about any of them
Let's get started with...

A BRIEF HISTORY OF VOCAL TECHNIQUE IN MUSIC AND WHY NOBODY CARES ANYMORE (EXCEPT YOU)

In Ye Olden Days, unlike today, vocal pedagogy was more than just personal taste, OCD and k-pop fans having a wank over who's bias is the best - it actually did matter for practical reasons.  There was no way to electronically enhance vocals, so if someone wanted a person's voice to be heard over a distance, that person either had to have either very good vocal technique (as in opera singers, trained in vocal projection techniques so they can be heard by everyone in a 1000-seat hall without amplification and not trash their vocal cords in the process) or there had to be a LOT of vocalists all singing together (such as in a church choir).  That's why when you go into any church or opera house built before the days of modern speaker systems, the whole room is reflective and echoey as fuck - that's to help the singers move their voices along a bit.  In the old days, the performance venue's floors, walls and furnishing was the sound system, and these rooms were designed accordingly to reinforce and spread sound.  Even the trained opera singer is useless without this reinforcement - they don't have a hope in hell of being heard by a large audience if they're singing outdoors if there's a bit of a wind happening, so the resonance and echo of the room is important.  The opera singer's voice as we know it is actually a combination of their raw voice and the acoustic environment.

minkv

This all changed over the last hundred years or so.  Nowadays, shit like vocal projection and technique doesn't matter at all, because of the wonderful invention of the modern sound system which is specifically designed to project your voice for you.  Your singing can be complete donkey-ass and you can still be heard just fine all the way to the back of the biggest auditorium as long as the size and power of your speaker system can cut it.  Lucky audience, hey?  This is why singing technique changed in the 20th century and why nobody sings like opera singers anymore (except opera singers, because opera fans are obsessive purists who like things done old-school).  Opera singers had to project because the resonance in their voice comprised part of the sound system - the invention of modern electronic sound systems has meant that projection is no longer important, and because singers now don't need to worry about volume/projection/technique so much this has allowed much more subtle, varied and personalised styles of vocal delivery to emerge.  Nowadays once-useful echoey rooms are a bad phenomenon - when you've got a loud sound system pumping, the very last thing you want is the singer's voice bouncing around the walls of the venue and being reinforced, because sure enough it will bounce right back into the microphone and create what's known as a feedback loop - that's that squealing noise you sometimes hear on live stages when the sound person doesn't know what they're doing.

feedback

This is why modern rock concerts are never held inside 200 year old churches (unless the promoter is an idiot - which does happen).  Modern venues that use sound systems will usually have less resonant rooms, with sound-absorbing materials like lots of carpet, soft furniture and big curtains, instead of shiny reflective surfaces that bounce singer's voices around.

So now that we've established that traditional vocal technique is really just one component of a sound system which is now obsolete by at least a century, let's explore what actually happens in a modern sound system like the ones that k-pop performers actually use.  We'll look at the kinds of things that happen to a person's vocal between some idol singing it on a recording or a stage, and that sound then being heard by you, the listener.

MICROPHONES

There's lots of different types of microphones, but only three different types matter for the average k-pop idol group.  The first is the studio condensor mic as shown by designated Kpopalypse microphone model Lizzy.

lizzymic3

This type of microphone is the optimal choice for studio recording.  These give the most accurate reproduction of the human voice possible (which isn't a 100% perfect recreation but is reasonably close) - and have a price tag to match.  They are also extremely sensitive, pick up lots of sound and thus are almost never used on live stages (because of the feedback problem shown earlier).  Lizzy is very obviously miming into this particular microphone as you would never sing this close to a condensor unless you were doing a whisper-vocal or something, and you would also normally use a "pop shield" between your mouth and the microphone:

t-arajiyrec

Here's Jiyeon in an actual recording situation as opposed to miming to show us how it's done properly - note the black disc just to the left of the microphone, that's the pop shield, it takes the harsh wind noise when people pronounce the letter "p" out of the vocal.  It's made of very light material.  (If you are recording vocals at home and find that your "p" is excessively loud, and you don't have the money to buy a pop shield you can make your own by bending a wire coat hangar into a circle and stretching an old stocking over it, then sticking it upside down hook-end first into a microphone stand.  A lot uglier, but the same effect.)  Also note that Jiyeon's mic is upside down, this doesn't matter as the thing picks up sound from the sides, they probably suspended it that way so it's not so much in the way of her music stand.  Just telling you this because if I don't, I know someone will fucking ask me.  Also, she's kind of far away from the microphone - that's okay.  They work best if you don't get too close to them, a foot distance is about ideal.

Because you can't take a big condensor microphone onto a live stage in most situations, because it's big, cumbersome and will howl the shit out of itself with feedback from picking up every single sound in the room, most vocalists will use one of these, instead:

lizzymic2

This is a wireless "dynamic" microphone and it's your optimal choice for vocals on a live stage.  Dynamic microphones are less sensitive than condensors, easy to hold, and they're also directional - they only tend to pick up the sounds that they're pointed at, so if you point it at your face, it'll pick up your singing, but not so much of the sound of the sound system (therefore less chance of a feedback loop).  However, dynamic microphones tend to give less accurate response - they don't pick up your voice exactly as-is, they tend to "colour" the result a little.  Better microphones will colour your voice less, but all of them do this to some extent.  It's "get the job done" tech that is designed to be versatile and durable rather than perfect.

Here's a comparison of frequency response between a condensor microphone (red) and a dynamic microphone (blue), so you can get a feel for the difference.

Okta8

From left to right is from bass to treble, and the vertical axis is volume.  These are both frequency response readings from professional industry-standard microphones.  Note that the dynamic microphone doesn't perform at all well in the bass register (below 150Hz) and also has a lump of around +8dB at 5KHz.  The condensor microphone while also not perfect has a much "flatter" response curve overall.

Finally, there's headset microphones, as worn again by designated Kpopalypse microphone model Lizzy in the following picture:

lizzymic

These are favoured by any artists with complex dance routines to perform (that means k-poppers) due to the obvious advantage of having both hands free and maximum mobility, however the sound from these is usually not ideal - always "less flat" than the dynamic microphone.  There's one other massive problem with headset microphones - because it's attached to your head, you can't change the distance between your mouth and the microphone while you sing.  Professional singers will use "microphone technique" which means that they "gain-ride" their microphones - they'll bring their lips closer to the microphone for quiet singing and draw them further away from each other when doing extremely loud notes, this has the effect of evening out the natural volume changes in a singer's voice (and you thought Ailee was doing all that head-swinging bullshit on stage because the choreographer told her that Johnny Noh would get a boner and write nicer things if she waved her hair around a bit - no, there's actually a legit musical reason for why she's doing that).  This is not possible with a headset microphone, unfortunately - however, almost all k-pop singers use headset mics at one point or another.  So, how to get around this problem?  For the answer to that, we need to talk about...

VOCAL SIGNAL PROCESSING

Once the vocal gets into the microphone and gets converted into electrical signal, then it's motherfucking open season, bitches.  Think what you hear on a recording or on a live stage is the pure sound of your favourite star's vocal, think again - this is never the case in k-pop, ever.  Here's the most common effects used in k-pop, in rough order of how frequently they appear on recordings and live stages.

COMPRESSION - a compressor is basically a "volume-ducker" that evens out volume discrepancies.  You set a threshold of volume and any input signal above the threshold gets reduced in volume by a selected ratio.

compressy

Infinity-to-1 compression is also called "LIMITING", because you're setting a strict limit that volume cannot go above, however this sounds ugly when used on vocals.  A 2:1 or 4:1 ratio is much more common when dealing with vocals.  Compression is a very subtle effect to the untrained ear, it's the kind of effect where if it's applied correctly you're not actually supposed to hear it working at all.
Compression is the solution to the live sound headset-problem noted earlier, but it's not just used for that.  Compression smooths out volume levels, giving a much more consistent sound to a vocal and is used for all studio-recorded pop music vocals everywhere at all times.  To find commercial pop music recordings without compression on the vocals, you would need to go back to the 1970s, if not further.

PITCH CORRECTION (aka AUTOTUNE) - pitch quantization for vocals, moves a sung note to the nearest correct note.  Can be an obvious effect (that "snapping" electronic robot sound) but usually is not used this way, and I've discussed the little-known subtleties of pitch-correction in much more detail here.  It's almost as common as compression.  Occasionally pitch correction isn't used in very specific situations (it's only occasionally used on a rap part, for example), but you can safely assume that a "mild" form of pitch correction is in use on at least 98% of k-pop recordings that you own or have heard and which were created in the last five years.

REVERB - artifically-added room reflections.  Common studio practice is to record in a "dry" (non-reflective) room, and then add the room reflections later. Whenever you see a singer in a studio cooped up inside a small soundproofed recording booth cutting a vocal track, such as Bom in this picture, it's pretty much guaranteed that artificial reflections will be added later.  The small booth is designed to be as non-reflective as possible, giving the engineer a "clean slate" to work with when adding reflections.

bomsty

Reflections can be added mechanically via SPRING REVERB or PLATE REVERB (the audio signal is passed through a resonant metal spring or large plate and then re-routed back into the mixing desk) or more commonly by a DIGITAL REVERB unit which samples and replays the original signal at lower volumes to simulate a room reflection.  Modern digital reverb units can make a vocalist sound like they are singing in a concert hall, in a lounge room, in a shower, or just about anywhere else.  In a recording studio it's also possible to record NATURAL REVERB by sticking a microphone in a far corner of the room while someone sings and taking a separate feed from this microphone into the mixing desk.  In a live music environment, if reverb is required the only type used is digital reverb because the other options are a true pain in the ass on live stages and not exactly practical.

plate copy

How common is reverb?  Very, very common.  Vocals recorded without any reflections at all tend to sound unnatural to most people's ears like there's "something missing but I don't know what" and only artists on smaller labels or not working in the field of pop music are willing to reside in such an uncanny valley.

EQUALISATION - adjustment of bass, midrange and treble frequencies, just like on your home stereo.  However while your home stereo has maybe three or five or seven parameters you can adjust if you're lucky, a professional equaliser unit usually has 30.  Here's a picture of a typical unit, note that there are 60 faders because it's in stereo and processes the left and right channels independently.
eqa

Digital audio workstations (DAWs) such as ProTools give even finer control over equalisation than this.  Vocals have an annoying nasal quality?  Find the nasal frequency that's annoying you and get rid of it.  Vocalist has poor resonant notes?  Use the equaliser unit in conjunction with reverb to boost the resonating frequency of the singer's vocal cavity and create a resonance.  Microphone feeding back on a live stage?  Instead of turning down the volume of the entire sound system, just find the frequency that's feeding back on this thing and turn it down a notch while keeping everything else the same.  Want to make a singer sound like they're singing over a telephone line?  Find all the frequencies that a telephone speaker is unable to reproduce and cut them out of the mix.  Etc etc.  Equalisation can be used to create incredibly artificial effects, or incredibly natural effects, and it's rare to find a vocal track that isn't equalised in some way.

AURAL EXCITATION is a specific type of equalisation that delves into the realm of psychoacoustics which is a bit much to cover in a k-pop blog, but it's also used commonly on pop vocal tracks.  Aural excitation boosts certain upper frequencies that are associated with audio clarity, sunshine, fluffy bunnies, lollipops, kittens and walks in the park holding the hand of your one true love, so it's natural that k-pop would want to use it and I'm not going to go into detail about how it works because it gets really up-the-ass technical and shit.  Just know that aural excitation units are something that exists and you don't really need to understand the inner workings of them to be able to use one, you just turn up the knob that says "bunnies" until you like what you hear.

bunnies

CHORUS - similar to reverb but a "closer" type of effect, it's like a reflection so close to the original signal that instead of sounding like a reflection, it just sounds like the original signal is thicker.  A great effect for giving a bit of body to a singer with a weedy voice, it's often used to beef up below-average singers who have trouble getting a good tone.  It has a similar net result to DOUBLE TRACKING (which is just the vocalist recording the same part twice and the engineer combining the two parts) but it's a little less obvious.

Those are the main effects that are used on vocal tracks these days.  There's a lot more such as DELAY, FLANGER, PHASER, etc but the ones listed are what's used on almost every single vocal track (with the exception of chorus/double tracking).

Just to cap it all off, once your favourite k-pop star's vocal sound has been recorded with a microphone with an unbalanced frequency response, into a mixing board, then compressed, pitch corrected, reverbed, excited, equalised, etc etc then it has to come out of a speaker somewhere.  Just like microphones, speakers do not have an even frequency response, and in fact your average music listener dislikes hearing even-response speakers anyway, preferring to boost both the bass and the treble somewhat.  So your vocal signal after going through all of that shit is then finally coloured again by whatever you're listening to it through.

THE WHOLE PACKAGE

The point I'm making is that nobody hears "natural" vocal anymore.  All pop music vocal is unnatural by definition and this has been the case ever since the rising popularity of multi-track recording in the late 1960s.  If you're an aspiring singer and you've ever wondered why you don't sound like your favourite idols, take heart in the fact that they don't even sound like that.  Even without Autotune, the modern pop singer's voice is still largely an electronic creation.  The sound that a singer makes on a recording, there is no way you can hear that same type of sound naturally, with your ears, if you were standing in a room with them.  The artificial electroacoustic creation of an unrealistically super-smooth singer has become the standard practice, and it's been this way in the pop music business for at least four decades.

Just like the real sound of an opera singer is:

Operatic voice ---> room ambience colouration ---> your ear

The real sound of a pop singer is:

Pop voice ---> microphone technique ---> microhpone colouration ---> effects colouration ---> more effects colouration ---> speaker colouration ---> your ear

To cap it off, take a quick look at the Nine Muses documentary "Nine Muses From Star Empire".  It's a great documentary that every k-pop fan should watch all the way through, but the relevant section for the purpose of this blog starts at 6:08.



In the studio one of the singers tells the composer/producer that she just can't sing that high.  His response: "just yell it out".  He then proceeds to smoke his cigarette and chill out.  The composer knows that he can fix her poor vocals in the mix with his small arsenal of electronic toys.  She sings again, and then stops because she's unsure of herself, not because he asked her to.  She felt self-conscious about her poor singing, but he didn't care that she wasn't singing the notes right, he only wanted her to sound confident - vocals can be smoothed out, pitch-corrected and tarted up to sound good but personality and confidence can't be electronically generated (yet).  That's why instead of telling the girls to "sing in key" and "use resonance", he instead tells them to "take it seriously" and "use power".  He's trying to capture some confidence and personality on the take, not necessarily a "good" vocal performance - he knows he won't get that out of her anyway.  There's eight other members in the group to bury each girl's vocals under, so if she really just can't do it at all he doesn't exactly have to use the parts.  Ever wonder why your favourite groups always have uneven line distribution?

Anyway I hope this post has demystified a few things for some of you out there.  And if it hasn't, because you already knew all this stuff, then hopefully this post has been a nice ego-boost for you instead and you can go and stroke yourself off on some forum about how you already knew all this stuff because you're so clever and what's with Kpopalypse's lame condescending posts etc.  Consider this my gift to you.

201 copy

[MV Review] Boy Republic - Video Game

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It's a song about video games, so it can't wrong. I mean, one of the greatest songs of all time is the Angry Video Game Nerd theme song.



Okay, this doesn't represent gamers at all. If anything, the Ass Crack Bandit portrays gamers better.

I thought the concept was pretty neat for a Kpop idol group, as it deviates from the "boy next door singing a gay ass RnB song" and "look at me rip my shirt" concept that boy bands use to death. However, it all becomes unrealistic the moment you see what the members of Boys Republic are wearing. Sure, gamers may be portrayed as fat neckbeards that leave their ass cracks hanging out, exuding the foul odors of not having showered for the past week, BUT THEY DON'T FUCKING DRESS LIKE LITTLE TWINKS. If you choose to do a concept, do it correctly.

At first, I thought the song was alright, but I think the instrumental should have been a little more dynamic during the chorus. However, the numerous shitty rap breaks is what ultimately makes this song a 'pass' for me. Having a short rap break is alright with me these days, but having so many featuring terrible rapping is simply a nightmare. Honestly, I'd rather listen to Happy Gilmore spit some rhymes.



New Jiyeon Teaser

Haeryung Is Great At Pitching

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Okay, both fiddle.se/klogg and Ahjussi sent me this pic at the same time. I just had to post it.

Can she please pitch for the Detroit Tigers? PHIL COKE FUCKING SUCKS AND BLEW THE MOTHER FUCKING GAME! I WANTED TO RUB IT IN IATFB OPPAR'S FACE BUT PHIL COKE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNIER IF HE BLEW THE FUCKING GAME!

At the least Haeryung could distract the opposing hitters when she throws her 30 MPH fastball.

Soyul's Identity Crisis Baffles Allkpoppers

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Crayon Pop's Soyul guested on MNET's Beatles Code 3D to talk about her yung thuggin' ulzzang days. Of course, it wouldn't go over just that simply on Allkpop

They picked this picture to represent the article (so to speak) and people assumed that it was a before and after shot of The Yung Soyul.


Yes, that gorgeous girl on the left is in fact Park Han Byul. But that didn't stop the peeps over there from making their stupid/obvious/bizarre claims anyway.



Hah?

(In order) You've got the Overly Defensive Fans, the Blame the Stylist Fans, the I'm Stanning the Wrong Group Fans, the Captain Obvious Fans, the WTF Are You Even Referring To Fans, and the Plastic Monster Anti-Fan groups all represented in one glorious comments section.

As of this writing, the picture is still there so anyone who doesn't realize Park Han Byul =/= Soyul by now is doomed to throw their 2 cents into a misguided flame fest orchestrated by Allkpop for hits. It's certainly working, at any rate.

While you're here, you might as well have some Park Han Byul so you too can learn to tell the difference.


Thanks for the "tip" AsianJunkie oppa.

MBLAQ - Be A Man

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Man, all of these boyband MV articles written by me this week were all written within an hour of each other. I liked the first song by MIB, but each song got worse and more boring. And now I'm here to MBLAQ. I generally like their songs, but this one...




I was yawning so much throughout this snoozefest that I couldn't even think of anything to write. It's that fucking boring. Watching a race between two freshly painted walls to see who can dry first would be more interesting to watch than to listen to this song.



On location with SPEED

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After an excruciating two-week hiatus, SPEED came back earlier this month with "Look At Me Now." It's the first SPEED song I've liked. In fact, I enjoy it so much I've crossed over into obsessed territory, but I digress. 

The video for "Look At Me Now" is bare bones. There is no plot, no cute closeups, no star cameos. From what I can tell, CCM's investment in this video involved dropping the group in a desert and calling it a day.


Will dance for ride back to Seoul


And yet, it's still more interesting than the typical in-a-box kpop video. The change of scenery really helps. Plot or not, real backgrounds will always be more interesting.


Sorry, Naeun :(


I hope the use of real locations continues. In case CCM runs low on ideas, I've compiled a list of places they can drop SPEED for their next video:*

At a nice sunny park


At the Penis Park


At a local sporting event


At the zoo

Um, you might want to move to your right, boys ...

Roadside


Under the sea


On the moon

This gives a whole new meaning to moonwalking.

At the dump



The possibilities are endless. Best of all, these ideas can be easily adapted to most kpop groups. Take note, entertainment companies.




* Yeah, yeah, I realize I didn't include all the members in the photos, but it was hard finding a good closeup of the group in that video. And I included the best member, so fuck off with your judgments. 
** Also, I left one out originally, so there's an extra one now.

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