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2Eyes' Da Eun Deletes All of Her Instagram Pictures Because of EXOtic Fucks

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2Eyes' Da Eun has become the next victim of EXOtics irrational behavior. Via One Hallyu.



Apparently Sehun commented on one of Da Eun's pictures and then EXOtics lost their shit. Over commenting on a picture. Meanwhile, Teddy is banging my favorite Korean celebrity and this is how I'm reacting:




[MV Review] Hyosung - Goodnight Kiss (To My Boner)

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Fashionably late as usual, here's the Hyosung "review".



There is a plot in this MV. I have watched this MV dozens of times over the past three weeks and I still have not figured out what the plot is. Then again, my penis does not give a fuck as to what the plot is about when Hyosung is the focus of the MV.



While opinions have been divided over the structure of the song, I'm on the side that likes the structure of the song. It's simply chorus + trap beat while Hyosung gives everyone a raging hard-on + chorus + trap beat while Hyosung gives everyone a raging hard-on. I would rather have the trap beats and watch Hyosung work it than to listen to her attempt to appease vocalfags during the verses. 

I think Duble Sidekick deserves a lot of credit here. Everyone knows Hyosung isn't a vocal powerhouse, so instead of trying to force Hyosung into singing, they worked to Hyosung's strengths...which means having her sing less and showing us her tits more. Bless you two UCAADs for that decision.

The ultimate K-POP ASSES - 13 weapons of ass destruction!

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Here it is, the one you've been waiting for - the ass post!

Because I'm not really an ass kind of guy, I left the selection of asses up to you - this list does not reflect my personal preferences but what you, the reader, enjoy the most.  I constructed this post in three stages using the following process:
  1. I collected ass suggestions from ask.fm and also from this Anti Kpop-Fangirl post.
  2. I put up a survey using your suggestions (plus a few more) so you can rate the suggested ass.
  3. I collated the data into the post that you're now reading.
If your fave isn't in these lists - it's probably your own fault.  You should have nominated them when you had the chance, so it's a little late to complain now.  Let's be honest though - they probably wouldn't have held their own against the winners anyway.  Drop your browser down low like a twerker and check out the results below.

sojigun

WARNING: GIF-heavy post.  I've used GIFs rather than still images as GIFs are less likely to be shopped, so we're more likely to be evaluating the true assets in question.  Those with slow computers or Internet might need to click to load the page and then go make a cup of coffee or something while it loads.


Question 1: How are you?


I always ask how people are because I'm such a friendly person who is all about making friends and being nice to everybody at all times.  The results:

asssurv1

The survey didn't have ass pictures because the survey is all about working out what ass pictures to give you.  I thought that would have been fairly obvious but I guess maybe not to everyone.  The survey software doesn't really allow me to insert eye candy anyway, but I would have if it were possible!  Anyway sorry to anyone who felt click-baited by Qri's delicious ass movements and I hope that this bottom-heavy post makes up for it.

Question 2: Rate female ass!


A big list was provided and participants were asked to vote once for each ass that met required standards.  I had over 600 responses, but not one single nominee scored 50% or higher, showing that within the realm of k-pop ass, subjectivity is king.  Here were the 13 winners, starting at #1 and working down, because when posting about asses we always move downward.

And the winner is:


#1 -  SECRET - HYOSUNG - 296 votes


I honestly didn't pick it - did you?  The Secret singer, underwear model and sexy Ilbe bug subjected my ass poll to some quick and thorough democratisation by turning up at the top of the vote, never once slipping from the top position (although at one stage during the voting process, she was only in the lead by one solitary vote-click).  47.4% of all poll participants decided that Hyosung met required standards.


There will be two GIFs for each winner in this section but since Hyosung is the winner and good GIFs of her ass are oddly hard to find, here's a couple more especially selected by Kpopalypse for your enjoyment.

#2 - GIRL'S DAY - YURA - 292 votes


A firm favourite to do well, we all knew that Yurass would perform nicely in the results, especially as she may have picked up some sympathy vote from regular readers after having been left out of my boobs post.  Happy now?

#3 - SISTAR - BORA - 274 votes


Not one to usually top k-pop beauty polls, participants demonstrated excellent objectification prowess as per poll instructions to "rate asses only regardless of all other factors, positive and negative" by isolating and appreciating the Borass.

#4 - T-ARA - HYOMIN - 253 votes


 The #4 "love suggestion" was T-ara's sexy ex-iljin goddess, proving that bad girls gone oh-so-good are the hottest.  Apparently a common iljin activity is to make others participate in "forced masturbation" - don't we know it!  No need to force us, Hyomin - we'll cum if we must!

#5 - GIRLS' GENERATION - YURI - 249 votes


 For those of you who like your buns tightly packed, there's Yuri.  Being a member of the world's highest-profile girl group probably didn't hurt her chances in this poll, but there's no denying that in eyeballing these GIFS you have just witnessed the fitness.

#6 - KARA - NICOLE - 238 votes


 KARA's "Mr." still reigns supreme in my eyes as K-pop's #1 butt dance despite the presence of several recentworthycontenders, and even though she is no longer in KARA, Nicole will probably continue to retain her crown into the near future as the genre's chief practitioner of butt-dancing.

#7 - WASSUP - NADA - 225 votes


Video of Wassup's recent fanservicey Maxim photo shoot propelled the 2013 nugus from twerking in obscurity to the bright lights of ass-stardom.  Nada's delicious porn-inspired spread for the camera rallied the pervert troops, carrying the flag of glute-appreciation into battle against the haters and her inclusion in the top honours here was assured.

#8 - 4MINUTE - HYUNA - 205 votes


 Is it poppin'?  The verdict appears to be yes, and nobody need ask "whatcha doin' today" because the answer is shortly going to be "fapping to Hyuna's ass".  Having seen it in the flesh I can tell you that Hyuna's posterior looks even better in person.

#9  SISTAR - SOYOU - 203 votes


All that gym work is paying off for Soyu, who doesn't display her rear talents nearly enough for my liking.  The #1 likely favourite of deployed South Korean troops everywhere, Sistar all posses excellent sculpted bodies and their posters have probably seen the inside of more military lockers than any other group.

#10 - SISTAR - HYOLYN - 200 votes


 Not to be outdone (well, not by more than a few votes), Sistar's designated swimsuit-wearer Hyolyn also performed strongly.  Look at the eyes of the woman in the center of the top GIF - that's the look of despair at suspecting that your boyfriend is fapping to Hyolyn's ass instead of yours.

 #11 - T-ARA - JIYEON - 198 votes


Jiyeon has been amping up the hip-grinding for her latest cumback which has thrust her previously under-utilised lower half into the upper echelons of ass appreciator consciousness.  Not too many in K-pop are dropping it low like Jiyeon right now.

#12 - GIRLS' GENERATION - TIFFANY - 195 votes


Unusual for k-pop, Tiffany has a relatively solid square-shaped figure for a female idol but that didn't deter poll participants from noticing that nature abhors a straight line and that Tiffany still got that ass.  These Tiffany ass GIFs are my best friend - are they your best friend?

#13 - GIRL'S DAY - SOJIN - 191 posts


Rounding out the glutes on this ass-poll is Girls' Day's Sojin.  I always felt she was out-curved by the other members but it seems that I'm the one who got thrown for a curveball by these outstanding GIFs.  I may just have to fap to make it up to her.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS AND SCORES


BESTie - Dahye - 188
2NE1 - Minzy - 186
Ailee - 183
miss A - Fei - 170
f(x) - Victoria - 167
T-ara - Eunjung - 163
Rainbow - Hyunyoung - 163
Rainbow - Jaekyung - 162
AOA (Ass Of Angels) - Seolhyun - 158
NS Yoon G - 156
After School - Uee - 146
Nine Muses - Sera - 146
After School/Orange Caramel - Nana - 144
Clara - 141
Nine Muses - Kyungri - 141
miss A - Min - 140
miss A - Suzy - 139
Lee Hyori - 138
Brown Eyed Girls - Gain - 133
f(x) - Krystal - 126
Spica - Jiwon - 123
Apink - Naeun - 122
T-ara - Qri - 116
Brown Eyed Girls - Narsha - 114
Apink - Eunji - 112
Girl's Day - Minah - 110
Girl's Day - Hyeri - 105
AOA (Ass Of Angels) - Hyejeong - 102
Stellar - Minhee - 101
Rainbow - Woori - 101
f(x) - Sulli - 100

Question 3: rate male ass!


Because I intended on having 13 female winners I decided that I would ask for ratings on 13 guys too.  Got to keep it fair on the male ass-lovers, of course.  No male images here because this post is image-heavy enough, but there's plenty of good sources of male ass out there.  Maybe one of the other Anti Kpop-Fangirl authors can do a big male ass post for the male ass fans, as long and exhaustive as this one.  How about it?  In the meantime, the results of my male ass poll are in:

maleass

Looks like f(x)'s Amber is the clear winner!


Okay, so Amber is actually female, but it's not my fault you all voted for her.

Question 4: If you think that objectification of asses for either gender is wrong, please put your essay about why here. Please include parenthetical references in Harvard or MLA style where applicable. On the other hand if you're okay with it, feel free to fill the text field with anything you want. You could let me know of any asses I missed, or how much you enjoyed clicking a certain person knowing that their ass would be counted, or you can whine about how I didn't include that many male asses (I didn't get many nominations, sorry). Alternatively you could leave it blank if you believe that 'less is more'.


The results:
assassass
One of you hating lolcows wanted to know why I wanted a referenced essay, and suggested that I was implying that only uni students could have opinions on these things.  Actually the reason for it is that most of the anti-objectification crowd in k-pop are quite academically inclined and I was curious to see if they would participate and what they could come up with in terms of solidly backing up an anti-objectification argument.  Correct referencing is for everybody, not just Uni students, you snobby cunt.  One person actually obliged with referenced comments, which was great, and their response is included below because I appreciate the effort:
WTF no EXID Hani? Don't say it's our fault for not suggesting it. Why would anyone send it in if nobody can fathom why she wasn't included on this poll in the first place? Worse still, where is kpopalypse hyungs butt? Where is your integrity as an almost-journalist? Why do I feel so entitled to your writing efforts? Hyung pls. Pls respond hyung. Sauce: Fag, Sulli. "EXID Hani." Anti Kpop-Fangirl: EXID Hani. N.p., n.d. Web. 3 June 2014.

It wasn't very anti-objectification though, in fact nobody wrote down a strictly anti-objectification response, because you're all perverts like me.  Many of you sensibly left comments similar to this:

I don't like boybands (i'm a lesbian) so I'm okay with the lack of dudes in the survey. There is enough fangirling over their ugly asses and their ugly faces as it is. Also i don't think this is like, objetification? Last week I was watching a movie called "Helter Skelter" which is a satire of the model industry, and one of the characters says something like, "We'll be forgotten. We're machines for the processing of desires", and that also applies for idols. They and their butts are already prepackaged for mass consumption. That's it, bye :D

And this:

I have learnt it's OK to objectify celebs. We'll never know what their true personalities are, so we'll judge them based on what we DO know, visuals n body. I have to credit you (partly) for indirectly teaching me that. Have a good day, oppa!

And I appreciate it!  Glad you guys had fun/fapped.

Question 5: Did you enjoy the survey?


A pretty straightforward question to finish the survey off, because I always want to know if you guys like my content.  Results:

survyesno
And that's it!  Thanks to everyone once again for participating, and even if you didn't get to participate in the survey thanks for reading/fapping!  Also thanks to fiddle.se for the majority of the GIFs and all the other people out there such as Comekpop, Perving On Female Kpop and others doing the Lord's work and GIFing ass!  And for those who were/are horribly offended by anything in the survey questions or answers, don't worry - Kpopalypse will reflect and return with a more mature image... and more eye-candy!

Wa$$up shows their sexy determination

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Wa$$up noticed that sexy girls are getting censored all across sexist patriarchal South Korea, so they took their sexiness into their own hands and pandered to a country that would appreciate it. Cheers to Wa$$up. You girls are confident and cool.

[MV Review] Jiyeon - Never Ever (1 Min 1 Sec)

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The Cyclops Overlord has graced all of the members in the Cult of Cyclops with a fantastic song and MV.



This shit has been my jam since it came out and I have been regularly listening to it...practicing my Korean listening comprehension. Yes, let's go with that.

Duble Sidekick struck gold with another song, going with a mid-tempo and lyrical beat to match Jiyeon's airy voice. I was worried at the beginning when I heard the beat in the teaser since Jiyeon doesn't have Soyeon's pipes as I was expecting the song to have a slower beat. On the other hand, Jiyeon's voice doesn't really fit the fast-paced beats of T-ara's tracks, as it's almost impossible for me to even recognize her in any T-ara title track (and I have listened to T-ara's tracks hundreds of times each over the years). I think Duble Sidekick found the right beat and pace to accentuate what Jiyeon has instead of trying to cover it up.

I liked the MV a lot, too. Aside from the Cyclops Overlord being really hot, I liked how the MV portrayed Jiyeon's psychological state with the jerky frame rate. Okay, the main reason why I liked the MV is because Jiyeon is hot.


The lyrics are good in this song, a step above the usual "let's repeat this phrase a lot and not even try on the verses." However, what confuses me is that the song is about Jiyeon not being able to forget the man that she loves/loved. With Jiyeon doing all of this sexy dancing, the song should have been about how the dude will never forget Jiyeon, because I sure as hell wouldn't be able to.

To top everything off, Jiyeon shows her determination and attempts to out-do Hwayoung's nip slip with a pussy slip.




Snoop Dogg - HANGOVER feat. PSY

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I know we got a lot of MVs up in a short time but it's the post-Sewol effect. Enjoy.

I personally think it's nice enough but it ain't my jam. Dayum @ those gold tights tho. You are welcooooome~

bonus points to the person who gets that quote

The official and completely scientific Kpopalypse colour blindness test

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I'm colour blind.  Apparently, this is a completely fucking fascinating subject to absolutely everyone, judging by the amount of questions that I get asked about it when people find out.  To cater to this incredible fascination, this post will include some awesome colour blindness facts (so if I get any more annoying questions about it I can just link people to here instead of answering them directly over and over) and also a test so you can test your own colour blindness - with k-pop, of course!

eunfyf

A few quick colour blindness trufax first, for colour vision deficiency noobs:
  • Like pretty much everybody who has it, I was born colour blind.
  • Because I was born colour blind, I don't know what it's like to see colour the way a non colour blind person does.
  • I'm not completely colour blind, I'm supposedly "red/green" colour blind, also known as "deutan" or "deuteranomaly", which affects about 5% of the male population (women can be colour blind too but it's much rarer).  Because every other colour in the rainbow has portions of either red or green in it, this basically fucks me for the whole colour spectrum in one way or another.
  • Even though I'm colour blind, I still know what colours look like because when I was in school a teacher pointed to a red thing and said "this thing is red".  Bravo, education.  Because of this, I had no idea that I was colour blind.  I found out the truth when I went for my first job at age 18, and when the optometrist told me I initially thought she was a lying whorebag because her diagnosis took her all of about ten seconds.  "But... what do you mean?  I can see colour!" I exclaimed.  She was right though... that bitch.
  • Yes I can drive and see traffic lights just fine.  I'm not allowed to fly an aircraft though.
  • I spell it "colour", not "color", because I live in a country that doesn't butcher the English language... well, at least not the spelling aspects of it, anyway.
  • I'm aware that there are colour-corrective lenses out there but I've never tried them, only because I don't give enough of a fuck to spend money on some shit that isn't going to improve the quality of my life much.  Besides, I don't know what colour is supposed to look like, so how do I know if that shit is really working the way it's supposed to?
boramlos copy

So now that you've got all the facts, you may be wondering "could I also be colour blind?"  Well, to find out the truth you could go to an optometrist, or you take a completely authoritative and legit online test that certainly isn't designed to goad you into buying any products in particular, or instead you could take...



THE OFFICIAL AND COMPLETELY SCIENTIFIC KPOPALYPSE COLOUR BLINDNESS TEST

*

Question 1: 

Colour blind people are generally adept at perceiving big blocks of uniform colour, but perform poorly when lots of colours are mixed into a tight visual space.  Please answer the following questions concerning this video:


  • How many people are in this video, including backing dancers?
  • How do you do that Roly Poly hand thing?
  • Which girl's boobs are the easiest to fap to?


*

Question 2: 

Colour anomalies in all types of colour blindness can affect depth perception.  Please answer the following questions concerning this video:


  • What is the approximate width and depth of the stage, in metric or imperial measurements?
  • What the fuck is Tae Jin Ah wearing, is that shirt really puke-green?
  • Did you have to focus on the jackets of the backing dancers to prevent nausea?
  • If the answer to the previous question is "yes", did it work?


 *

Question 3: 

Colour blind individuals with various types of anomalous trichromacy can perceive optical illusions and size differentials with fast moving objects.  Please answer the following questions concerning this video:


  • What is the total amount of circular colour-fill stage lights in the background?
  • Do your eyes sometimes confuse the adults with their miniature doppelgangers?
  • Did the adult rapper and child successfully synchronise all dance moves from 1:21 to 1:30?


*

Question 4:

Some colour blindness types, in particular monochromacy or total colour blindness, can alter perceived brightness levels, making ambient light seem brighter than it really is.  This is true especially in brightly-lit indoor environments.  Please answer the following questions concerning this video:


  • How many different coloured dots are in Raina's hair?
  • How many cookies and ice creams are on the stage?  Does the number change?
  • Can you fap to this?


*

Question 5:

Deuteranomaly or red/green colour blindness can make red objects appear to be more distant, and green objects to appear more in the foreground - or vice versa.  Please answer the following questions concerning this video:


  • Did you notice green objects in this video before or after you heard "JYP"?
  • What percentage of the plants on the rotating rotundas appear as red?
  • Do any of the rotundas stop moving at any point in the video?


 *

Question 6:

Colour perception in people with anomalous trichromacy and dichromacy decreases with light levels and saturation levels, often resulting in confusion in colour perception of the blue-purple-violet spectrum.  Please answer the following questions concerning this video:


  • Do the upper half of the girl's costumes appear purple at the start of the video?
  • Do the costumes still appear purple at 0:50?
  • The brightest lights appear at the very end of the video.  Do the costume colours appear to change again?


*


Congratulations, you've completed the ultra-scientific colour blindness test, and you now know everything there is to know about colour blindness!  Or maybe not, but hey, at least you got to watch some k-pop videos!  Cheers to you!
eunend

Jiyoung to Return as an Actress in Japan?

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Jiyoung to return as an actress? This could be interesting.


Sadly, as soon as I read the article, the article stated a normal actress rather than a JAV actress. Because, like, dawg, y'know....



As usual, Korean netizens are chastising her by saying "Didn't she leave to go study overseas?" Yeah, she majored in "How Not To Be A Douchebag Like Every Other Korean" and aced her final with an A+, and now that she has stripped away her douchebaggery, she's attempting to act in Japan.

Dear Jiyoung,

Please be in a drama where you and Takimoto Miori play lesbian lovers.

Anti Kpop-Fangirl



Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 58

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This week's photo comes from Zerg:



Thank you for your submission!

~*~*~


The author is so deep. Makes me rethink why I like K-pop ;___; Thank you for enlightening me, tumblr user. I had no idea what they go through because I never read news nor think about what it takes to become successful. I can't believe that my ignorance stemmed merely from the fact that I could not empathize with the struggle of doing hard work because I am a lazy, unappreciative, closed-minded, uneducated, cold-hearted bitch who solely hates on Kpop.

...

But in all seriousness, this looks like the ultimate staged conversation just for tumblr notes. S/he probably doesn't even have any friends to discuss this with. If s/he does, they are probably just as delusional as no normal person probably wants to deal with this constantly.


I like the line: "Don't start that again.." because it clearly means that this has happened before - and probably often.


Another gold quote is:
Author: "Can you bear living away from your family and friends, not being able to communicate with them for a long time because of your work?"
Imaginary Friend: "Well when we grow up that's what we'll do anyway so-"
Author: "At the age of fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, or maybe even eighteen?"
Friend: *alleged silence*

Alright. There are multiple issues to want to bring up here:

1) Your "friend" has a valid point - when people grow up, they generally move away from their family and have to make new friends in their new location. That's life. For example, if you go to university/college, sometimes you have to move to an institution more in line with your interests/career trajectory. If you considered your future more seriously instead of wasting your time solely on your oppas/unnies, you might think about these things.

2) The ages you listed are not unreasonable at all. In fact, don't most people graduate from high school around the age of 18? You are a legal adult by then. Personal talk here: I started university at 15. I had to move to another province because I wanted a higher education than the one offered in my home city. And yes - I lived by myself (that means without my parents and highschool peers if you can believe that, tumblr user). I also went to private school in Japan for a bit when I was a teenager, away from my family in Canada. Sometimes we have to do 'big kid stuff' at some point if we want to succeed - so believing that it is impossible to be independent between the ages of 15-18 is deplorably naive.

3) I have to address your strange listing method. When one ends a list with, "or maybe even ___", that final bullet is usually the the game-changing point. I understand that logically, one should list numbers in increasing amounts. But in this case, the final number should have been "15" because it is the youngest age and therefore would be considered the most shocking to be already starting an entertainment (and highly criticized) career. But maybe being logical is only something non-crazy people do.     


Gawd - even your imaginary friend argues with you regarding your wild obsessions.


S/he also speaks as though s/he has experienced the idol training life as well. A little hypocritical, aren't we?


Enjoy raking in your tumblr notes from other overly defensive K-pop fans. 



*Note: I will be attending POP! GOES THE WORLD! Agency's Kpop Masquerade Party on June 13th, 2014 in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. If you are in the city, come say hi! I would love to meet any FISHies~ <3  



If anyone has submissions for future Stupid Things Fangirls Utter, please send them to zomg.oppa.sareanghae@gmail.com, tweet them to @akf_shinbi, ask them at ask.fm/akfshinbi, or leave them in the comment section below. Remember your rights on this site: anything you say or do here can and probably will be used against you. Thank you, FISHies!

Kai, There's a Reason I Invented the Term "UCAAD"

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Via Asian Junkie.


Nigga, you have to use UCAAD or else people will be up your ass faster than a prison faggot would be after you dropped the soap. I know you're greedy for attention just like a Jew is greedy for money, but the reaction from everyone would be explosive as if they were a Muslim terrorist (well, that was redundant. Just Muslim.) Now you need to repent and work in the fields with the Wetbacks under the white racist overlords, but be careful since others might mistake your tiny penis as a baby pepper and try to pluck it out.

For anyone who took the above paragraph seriously, well, you're retarded. In this hyper-politically correct society we live in, everyone gets so heated about everything. Hell, at the time I'm writing this article, there's about 1,100 comments in the AJ article about the word "nigger." People place too much importance on the value of derogative terms, and yet that is exactly why the words are still used so frequently.

Meanwhile, social justice warriors are cry foul and bully anyone who doesn't share their same views. "Oh, I'm tolerant, only if you agree with my narrow point of view. Then I am definitely intolerant towards those who don't agree with me."

In the end, Kai can't win in this situation. Social justice warriors will be all over his ass and attack him, looking pathetically hypocritical in the process. Just use the term "UCAAD," you kimchi-loving faggot UCHO.

Hyomin Nice Body Teaser #2

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Kim Kwang Soo enlisted my help on how to really sell the fact that Hyomin has a nice body.

Chinese UCAAD Pretends Seohyun is His Wife while Begging for Money

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Dude is a genius in one sense, but he shouldn't have used Seohyun as his dead wife.


Instead of condemning him, I thought of how to try to one-up the guy. I thought of three different ways to arouse sympathy from bystanders if I was in that dude's shoes.

Horrible Awesome MS Paint pictures incoming.


Here I start off with my Korean waifu, Han Ye Seul. The story: My wife died two years ago to cervical cancer. I could no longer have sex with my incredibly hot wife and I went into major depression. My son ended up dying because I was so depressed that I couldn't function at work. I ended up losing my job, and because I didn't qualify for any welfare assistance, my son starved to death. I had to eat his decaying body in order to live on. I know need funds to help combat the brain disease I contracted due to my cannibalism.


In my second attempt, my Japanese waifu Toda Erika represents my ex-wife. We enjoyed a blissful marriage and we were as happy as you could possibly be. While she was giving me an amazing blowjob, she stopped right before I was about to climax. I thought she was just teasing me, but then she pulled out a samurai sword and chopped off my penis. I lay in bed screaming in agonizing pain as she takes a huge dump on my face and then used her butt cheeks to smear her feces over my face. Now I need money for therapy and penis reattachment surgery.


In the final scenario, I am married to my Taiwanese waifu, Annie Chen. Here I tell the story of how I am a North Korean refugee that was helped by a Taiwanese goddess that helped me escape North Korea into China. Though our time together was short-lived, we were very happy together. However, one day the Chinese officials heard wind that North Korean refugees had entered the small village we were living in. Chinese military personnel barged into my house and my wife sacrificed herself for me, stating that she was the North Korean refugee. I witnessed the horror as the soldiers gunned down my wife and then gang banged her corpse. I need money for therapy and to escape to South Korea.

Which one is your favorite scenario and why?

An Introduction to Vocal Faggotry, Part 2: The Technique

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Yes, this is Younha showing off her cleavage, and yes this picture is relevant to the article.
Welcome to part two of the introduction to vocal pedagogy, in this part I will teach you about the science that is behind the voice. Hopefully, you'll be able to come away from this article with knowledge on strain, resonance, pitch, support etc.

In a nutshell, vocal pedagogy (vocal technique) is the study of the science in the field of singing. Since vocal technique is directly related to science, it is a good way to use it to judge a vocalist or a performance accurately and objectively. Vocal pedagogy consists of the following:

  • Physiology of singing
  • Breathing in singing
  • Posture
  • Phonation
  • Intonation
  • Resonace
  • Tone production
  • Vibrato
  • Vocal articulations
  • Vocal diction
  • Vocal registrations
  • Vocal health
  • Vocal styles
  • Voice classifications
  • Coloratura
This shall be explained after the jump, like the previous post, this is also very text heavy so I've tried to break it up with nice images.

Physiology of Singing

Physiology of singing refers to the body parts involved in the sound production. There are three components:
  • Vibrator: Vocal cords/folds located inside the larynx fully come in contact and vibrate together  in order to make vocal sounds.
  • Activator: The breath/air pressure from our lungs and various muscles of our body is responsible for the vibrations in order to make sounds.
  • Resonator: The pharynx amplifies the vibrations from the vocal cords creating a resonant/reverberating sound.

Breathing in Singing 


Breathing is the fundamental core when it comes to singing. You have to breathe to sing, and not just any breathing, you need good breathing to be able to sing well. So how should one breathe whilst singing?

Firstly, one should inhale from their diaphragm, which allows more air to enter the body. A good way to determine whether or not a vocalist is breathing their diaphragm is to observe the movement of their shoulders. If a vocalists shoulders are moving upwards during inhalation, whilst singing, then the singer is not breathing from their diaphragm. One's shoulders should always remain still and relaxed whilst singing.

To "support" the air (hence supporting their voice) the singer must contract their abdominal, back and side muscles (along the rib cage) in order to have full control, during exhalation, of the amount amount of air that they are supposed to exhale whist the singer vocalizes.

During inhalation, one's diaphragm expands, contracts and goes downwards, whereas during exhalation the diaphragm slowly relaxes into its original position by moving upwards.

One should avoid breathing out to quickly, this is because if one pushes the air out whilst one sings, an airy and weak tone will be created. This is apparent in Soyou; she breathes out too quickly which is why her voice is airy, even when it isn't intentional. A vocalist must breathe out as slowly as they can so that they have enough air in the vocal cords to execute complex vocal lines and/or notes with ease. If a vocalist doesn't have control over the amount of air they exhale, whilst vocalizing, they will most likely strain (and in extreme cases will be unable to produce a line of connected notes - see Bom). This is why supporting one's voice is extremely important as it distinguishes a skilled singer from an unskilled singer.

The less air you use, the more powerful the singer's voice will sound whilst singing. To achieve this, one should practice contracting the diaphragmatic, abdominal and side muscles to have full control over the air that you breathe out so can exhalation can happen as slowly as possible.

The whole point of this is to create an optimal and healthy sound, because good breathing equal a good sound output.

In summary, the two integral parts of breathing in singing are:
  1. Breath Support: the interactions between various muscles in order to control the air used to vibrate the vocal folds.
  2. Breath Control: the regulation and coordination of the airflow above the vocal cords.
To avoid confusion, remember that breath support happens underneath the vocal folds and relates to the movement of the muscles, namely the diaphragm; whereas, breath control happens above the vocal cords and has to do with the steadiness, coordination and regulation of the airflow in the body. Proper tone production, vocal power, the ability to execute very low and high notes properly and belting properly all have to do with breath support. Whilst sustaining notes (especially harder ones), handling complex vocal lines, executing vocal runs/melismas properly, being about to play with vocal dynamics (levels of volume), being able to produce a proper vibrato and sing in either legato or staccato properly all relate to breath control.

Finally, breath support and breath control are related to each other because without proper breath support it would be hard to have proper breath control.

Posture 

 It is very important for the singer to not just pay attention to how they breathe, but to also pay attention to their posture. Great breath control is useless if your posture sucks because the air won't be flowing in the proper areas.

This is an example of bad posture whilst singing:

What Chuck likes to do in his spare time :-)
A singers shoulders should always be relaxed and down; if they are moving up and down as the singer breathes it means that they don't have enough air to support their notes correctly. This creates tension in the whole of the upper body that leads to strain.

The singer must not slouch. The shoulders have to be kept back and in a straight line. Slouching prevents the airflow from circulating around the body properly leading to tension in the vocal cords which causes strain. This is due to the slouch causing the muscles used to support the voice being folded over. No matter if the singer is standing or sitting, they must keep their shoulders back and in a straight line.

The jaw must be kept relax.When the jaw is relaxed, the tongue stays out of the throat keeping the larynx neutral. Pushing the jaw forward, a fail attempt at trying to create more volume, causes the tongue to be pushed back which causes the larynx to be pushed down creating a froggy-ish and throaty sound. An example of this is Miss Ariana Grande:

That jaw ain't getting her singing anywhere (also an example of bad posture tsk tsk)
The larynx should always be relaxed and in a neutral position. If your larynx is too high or too low, it means that you're breathing incorrectly. If a singer's larynx is not neutral they will strain.

Last, but not least, the neck and head position. The head should be held up like so:


The head should be held up, but not too high. The head's ideal position is when the jaw is a little over the horizontal as this allows the throat to open whilst singing. Kyuhyun is a great example of someone who knows how to hold their head whilst singing. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Junsu.

Lifting your head higher to sing high notes, or putting it down to sing low notes, does not help whatsoever. In fact, it creates tension in the neck which will prevent the throat from opening causing strain.

Side note: a singer's facial expression/veins popping out of the neck does not determine whether or not they're singing properly. For example, Taeyeon has the same facial expression whilst she's resonating and straining.

Vocal Resonance 

During vocal resonance the vibrations of the vocal cords are amplified with the help of the vocal resonating cavities. The air fills these cavities to produce a rich reverberating sound, before the air leaves the body. Vocal resonance is good voice projection and vocal power. However, it is not loudness. Resonance equals power, but loudness does not equal power! Just because a note is loud, it does not meant it is powerful or resonant. This evidence, since resonant sound drowns out loudness and can even be heard above full orchestra. To put it more basic terms, resonance is the production of the maximum amount of sound with the minimum amount of effort - whilst loudness is the opposite.

Resonance is achieved through the ideal shaping and manipulation of the vocal tract, along with using complete and proper breath support. The ideal shaping of the vocal tract is to keep an open-throat. Open-throat refers to the ideal increase of pharyngeal space in order to maximise the use of the resonating chambers. Open-throat involves a lifted soft-palate (no nasality), a neutral larynx, a well positioned-and shaped tongue, mouth lips, jaw and facial muscles. A person MUST open their throat in order to resonate or belt powerfully/with proper projection.

An open sound is also referred to as an "covered" sound because of the covering effect it has on the listener.

Here, Pavaroti talks about a "covered" sound and gives us an (operatic) example of it, whilst also differentiating it from loudness.

Resonance is actually a spectrum, but I won't go into that because it's confusing to some and you only really need to know that the maximum level of resonance has a ringing or pinging sound and is known as "optimal resonance".

In order to identify resonance, one must be able to identify strain from an open sound. Below are to videos showing resonance in K-Pop going from optimally resonant notes to strained ones.

Females (skip to 1m50s):


Males (skip to 1m19s):




Extra: an amazing optimally resonant A4, done in crescendo, by IU,  at 1:05


Good Tone Production

Good tone production is not oppa having a pretty voice that gets the fangirls jizzing in their panties, it is the production of a note that is balanced between all resonating chambers (head, chest, mask). The note should be free from nasality, tension and strain and should be in the centre of pitch. When describing a note that has been produced with an ideal tone we often use words such as "full", "depth", "focus", "ring" or "ping".

When evaluating ideal tone, the following criterion are assessed:

Placement

Placement refers to the areas that a vocalist feels the vibrations from resonance, when he sings. Vocalists should "place" their voice in the sinus cavities. One does this by raising one's soft palate so that the air does not pass out of the nasal cavities (see more below). When one places their voice in the sinus cavities (whilst supporting their voice correctly) one should produce a forward, well-projected, and a balanced resonant sound. Vocalists tend to find that where they feel the vibrations, when they phonate, is different from the where other vocalists feel them. The vibrations can be felt in any of the sinuses.


Undesirable forms tone production:

Nasality (also known as "singing through the nose"). Nasality is when a singer is singing with a nasal tone, famous examples of nasal singers are Jessica, BoA and Celine Dion (and G-Dragon but he raps, or whatever that's supposed to be coming out of his mouth). When a singer is singing through their nose, vibrations are felt in the nasal cavities and in the nose, instead of around the nose and in the sinus cavities. This produces a thinner tone that sounds whiny or congested, or both. 

Contrary to popular belief, nasality is not natural. One's vocal cords do not naturally produce nasality (that's biologically impossible and whoever tells you otherwise is a twat). Nasality is produced when MOST the breath and sound enters the nasal cavity (space behind and above the nose). By lifting your soft palate (try to lift your uvula), the breath and sound will be MOSTLY blocked from entering the nasal cavity, therefore, eliminating the nasal tone, and producing a fuller and more projected sound.

Nasality is a technical fault that prevents a vocalist from singing with an open throat and resonating, therefore it often leads to strain. Sometimes, nasality is caused due to improper diaphragmatic breathing. However, nasality can be used for stylistic purposes when a singer knows how to turn their nasality on and off. 

Airiness: an airy or breathy tone is caused by improper breath support and lack of proper cord closure (lack of proper vocal approximation). As explained in the section on breath support, beforehand, when a singer fails to use the correct breath support they end up needing to sing with more air; this leads to the production of an airy tone. This is because the vocal cords are not in full contact with each other, causing air to escape through the vocal cords making the vibrations of the vocal cords unsteady. This is a technical fault because an airy tone causes the sound produced to be weak and also hinders resonance, furthermore an airy tone can also damage the vocal cords due to the vocal cords becoming irritated. Airiness can be used stylistically, but I would only recommend minimal use of it as it can seriously damage a singer's voice - Mariah Carey's vocal deterioration is due to her heavy stylistic choice of airiness, especially during the "Butterfly" era.

Throatiness: a lot of women tend to find the throaty and husky tone of a male singer as "sexy" (sounds ugly imo), but most of the time it's a technical fault rather than a natural characteristic of the singer's voice. A throaty tone is caused by lack of proper breath support (like most things), tightness of the pharyngeal constrictors and by pushing the larynx down. Improper breath support leads to a singer forcing all of the air out, from their throat, causing a throaty and strained sound to form - we call this "singing from the throat". Singers need to place their voices in the mask (pharynx, mouth and sinus cavities) to avoid throatiness. During singing, the process of pharyngeal constrictors needs to be OUT of the way, otherwise the tone will be throaty, restricted and tense. T jaw, neck, tongue need to be free from tension to avoid throatiness. Opening one's throat too much, which means excessive jaw dropping and pushing down the larynx causes tension as the jaw is not relaxed, this leads to throatiness.

Glottic shock: this is when the vocal cords are being held together with an over approximation of the vocal cords (the cords are too close together) and are then pushed apart with an explosion of breath pressure. This leads the vocal cords to smack together. This is very dangerous and can cause serious injury to the vocal cords. Jonghyun is an example of someone who sings with an hard glottal attack. 

Vibrato

A vibrato is when the voice is alternating quickly and subtly between two pitches that are very close together. This variation in pitch, of a sustained musical note or tone, should not exceed a semitone up or down from the note itself.

Vibrato a reflection ofreflection of the continued energy level required of them to maintain equilibrium and muscular health. Consider how muscles elsewhere in the body, such as those in our arms, begin to shake when strain or tension is prolonged. When we lift or hold a heavy object for a long period of time, we’ll often experience a periodic but constant shaking of the muscles that are being used.  In other words, the muscles of the larynx begin to pulse rhythmically in response to tension and subglottic pressure, and that produces the characteristic vibrato sound. It occurs naturally in order to protect the vocal folds.

The oscillations that occur in vibrato are the body’s reflexive response to mounting tension, and are believed to be the result of the healthy function of the vocal folds. The tension of the vocal folds is varied rhythmically, creating movement in pitch. Along with this tension change is a variation in the thickness of the folds.

Vibrato is also a good indicator for telling if someone has good or bad technique. Good technique produces a healthy and stable vibrato, which is a free oscillation and proper variation between two close pitches at an even desirable rate of speed. 

There are various common types of faulty vibratos that are mostly caused by the lack of proper breathing and presence of strain:

  • Vocal Wobble: overly wide, slow and unstable vibrato caused by the lack of proper breath support, lack of proper cords closure, a shaking diaphragm, a pushed down larynx and a too weighty or chesty tone in the middle register (will be explained later). Most vocal students who start off voice lessons have wobbles. Most main vocalists in Kpop have wobble as well.
  • Tremolo or an overly fast vibrato: rapid repetition of a single note or very rapid alternation between two pitches caused by pressure at the root of the tongue, improper onset attack, lack of proper vocal cords closure and too much "support" or breath energy causing tension in the subglottic area while assisting the vibrato.
  • Diaphragmatic Vibrato: Fake vibrato developed by the movement of the abdominal muscles.
  • Vocal Trill Vibrato: Fake vibrato developed by the practice of moving your voice up and down of a pitch slowly and then gradually in a rapid way.
  • Laryngeal Vibrato: Moving the larynx up and down rapidly to create a fake vibrato.
  • Jaw vibrato (Gospel vibrato): Rapid shaking of the jaw and tongue in order to create a fake vibrato. Please keep in mind that just because a singer's jaw is moving does not mean they are using a jaw vibrato technique. The jaw needs to move to a little degree, showing that the singer is vocalizing in a relaxed manner. Moving the jaw TOO much and hearing the tension in their voice due to that is, in this case, considered as using a jaw vibrato technique.
  • Caprino: Goat vibrato, similar to an overly fast vibrato, or a reduplication of a single note. It is caused by lack of breath focus, inadequate breathing technique and other reasons similar to the causes of an overly fast vibrato
A vibrato should occur naturally, if anyone tells you to force a vibrato whilst singing they are spouting bullshit and should be sued for crimes against vocal cords. Forcing a vibrato is VERY DANGEROUS. 

How vocal performances should be judged

A vocal performance is judged by focusing on the following criterion:
  • Primary aspects: pitch, breath support and stability.
  • Secondary aspects: musicality and musicianship (explained below)

How a vocalist should be judged

A vocalist is judged based on their consistency within the limitations of their vocal technique. Therefore, when judging a vocalist we look at all the times they sung well and all the times they've sung badly and weigh them up against each other. We also analyse every register of their voice (upper, middle and lower) and from there we determine their comfort zone (tessitura). 

We also look at the following:
  • Their ability to resonate
  • Stability (vibrato)
  • Breath control
  • Agility
  • Vocal dynamics
  • Vocal phrasing
  • Legato (the smoothness of one's singing)
  • Musicianship
This is how I label a vocalist after I've analysed them:
  • Fantastic: Maximum power in the belting register OR great agility, solid lower register, great sense of pitch, operatic-placed head voice, even scale and consistent column of sound throughout the range, musical creativity and musicianship, great sense of interpretation. Extremely consistent.
  • Great: Somewhat similar to the characteristics of a fantastic vocalist, but a few qualities not as perfect or missing to a small extent.
  • Good: Normal level of resonance used consistently, developed head voice, supported lower register, good sense of pitch. The lower register, upper register or both might not be as developed as the middle. Musicianship is not required.
  • Decent/Competent: Lack of consistency in producing resonance, consistency in supporting notes decently in their tessitura, frequent tense notes. Pitch issues and occasional wobble.
  • Mediocre/Above Average: Lack of consistency in producing healthy and decent notes, wobble and unstable vibrato, major pitch issues. Frequent strain.
  • Bad: Frequent strain, very serious pitch issues, unsupported tone.
Barely any vocalists in K-Pop are above being good.

Vocalists in K-Pop that are good, are Younha, Ailee, Hyorin, Haeri, Shannon Williams for females. For males, Kyuhyun, G.O, Ryeowook, Hwanhee (well he's great).

Musicianship and Musicality (in singing)

  • Musicality: Understanding of the music
  • Musicianship: Personal interpretation of a song/performance by including their personal style, vocal dynamics, vocal phrasing, vocal runs, changing melodies, rhythm, pitches, etc.

Key Words 

  • Open Throat: The singer's throat needs to remain open and free at all times, like a column or a round tube.
  • Appoggio Method: "to lean on". Technique used to slow the ascent of the diaphragm for improved breath management.
  • Breath Support: Using other parts of the body to support the tone and sing extended long notes and phrases.
  • Resonator: Chamber of air space that extends from vocal folds to the lips.
  • Projection: The ability of a sound to carry well over other sounds.
  • The Ring: A resonance of the vocal tract at around 2800 Hz. This is the special region which opera singers use to project over the orchestra.
  • Larynx: Structure that contains the vocal folds.
  • Vocal tract: The channel through which sound passes after produced in the larynx. Comprised of the larynx, pharynx, the mouth and the nose.
  • Pharynx: Space above the larynx and behind the mouth.
  • Pharyngeal constrictors: Assist during swallowing and regurgitation. The job of these constrictors in singing is to stay out of the way.
  • Nasal Cavity: Lies above the oral cavity. If not closed off by the soft palate, it can nasalize the tone and detract from resonance. The only time the soft palate should be slightly lowered is when nasal consonants like [m] and [n] are being sung.
  • Soft Palate: The back part of the roof of the mouth; soft and flexible, and does not contain bony structures. Closes off the nose when we speak or sing.
  • Velopharyngeal Port: Small opening between the oral and nasal cavity that can be closed off to varying degrees according to the position of the soft palate.
  • The Mask: The area in front of the face. Asking singers to place the tone in the mask will help singers draw the sound forward in the vocal tract. It is merely an imaginative process, not a physical one.
- - -

That's all for my introduction to vocal faggotry! I'm sorry part 2 came so late but I was ~very~ busy these past four months (finals). I'll be starting a monthly column answering your questions on idol's vocals (I'm starting with a question about BoA that was sent to Chuck months ago). So, if there's an idol you'd like me to analyse please email me at 97akisame97@gmail.com. Please do NOT use the form in the contact section as the request will get to everyone. 

ALSO, if you did read this, then here's your reward:


la la larks - ego-izm

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In 2012 I discovered the Japanese band school food punishment. What sucked is that school food punishment disbanded earlier that year. I really liked their music, but the lead vocalist left the group, so the whole band disbanded. After two years, the lead vocalist has a new band called la la larks. This is the first single and I could only find the 1:30 version used for an anime. The single came out about 10 days ago, but you know Japan and their 1990s Internet laws. I searched for a few minutes and couldn't even find it on a Chinese site. la la larks has a similar sound to school food punishment, so I am really looking forward to this band's future.

Five word k-pop song reviews!

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It's well-documented (by me) that I'm not much of a fan of writing song reviews.  However, song reviews are also something that readers really like, and I always get bombarded with lots of requests to do them, so I try to do my best to cater to popular demand.

eunsongr

The last time I decided to review songs I wrote a Haiku review post, and looking back on it now, a thought occurred to me: Haiku is way too long.  Who's got time to read all those syllables just to find out what someone thinks?  Certainly not the average k-pop listener - isn't our short attention span and need for instant gratification part of the reason why we like k-pop in the first place?

Therefore, to satisfy the thirst for endless song reviews in the most appropriate manner possible, I asked for submissions via my ask.fm for songs that readers wanted me to review and got a bunch of responses, and now I'm going to review each one... in only five words!  You'll be hard-pressed to find any k-pop song reviews on the Internet more thoughtless and tossed-off than these!  Enjoy (or bitch, your choice)!


KPOPALYPSE'S FIVE WORD SONG REVIEWS FOR K-POP FANS WITH ULTRA-SHORT ATTENTION SPANS!


Back when 4Minute were good

*
Even worse than T-ara's "Yayaya"

*
Ear grating J-pop by numbers

*
Bravesound actually putting effort in

*
Pink Tape does not suck

*
Think of the furniture, please

*

*
Tank just missed her, damn

*
Stop playing with your truncheon

*
More guitar, less singing please

*
Sorry can't write review, fapping

*
Only an intro, too short

*
K-pop blues trend must die

*
Y u no feature track

*
"Sohee's stalker fuck off" anthem

*
Better than their Korean features

*
Nice beat but meh song

*
Shindong losing pounds via dubstep
 
*
Good song cao ni ma

*
T-ara's "Lies" at double speed

*
KARA's Pandora at half speed

*
Vocal harmonies make me ill

*
Better than Jamiroquai's worthless trash

*
Guy, you're in the way

*
Love the way you copy

*
Raina fap fap fap fap

*
Good elevator or hold music

*
Not a single, good decision

*
Kraftwerk plus Raina equals fap

*
Not as wonderful as promised

*
Sorry Martina this song stinks

*
Aren't we sick of this?

*
Melting my brain with boredom

*
Sorry readers I'm still fapping

*
Boob exposure meets required standards

*
Some boring generic R&B trash

*
Stay away from trot, eww

*
Let's cry for Akisame's ears

*
Songwriter sure could use caffeine

*
Better than Growl, what isn't

*
Stick to modelling swimwear, girls

*
Weird but somehow it works

*
BoA without dancing equals fail

*
Crazy Korean netizen theme song

*
No metal means no likey

*
Concept surprisingly good, song laughable

*
Laughable concept, song surprisingly good

*
E-TRIBE fluke a good song

*
Should have kept this concept

*
Butt dance improves good song

*
Great song, shit costume design

*
Editing too fast to fap

*
Ripping off Madness sounds good

*
Before shithead netizens ruined everything

*
As good as EXO get

*
As bad as EXO get

*
Just before 4Minute started sucking

*
B2ST album track doesn't suck

*
Park Shin Hye?  Can fap

*
Average without SM's songwriting team

*
Song title tells no lies

*
That breakdown is a "shockurrrr"

*
Better than YG's swag failures

*
Delight really needs more comebacks

*
No really, they fucking do

*
Best nine girl k-pop group

*
Sweetune keep on not sucking

*
Way better than "First Love"

*
The only nine that matters

*
Great production saves average song

*
Lazy filler track, quite boring

*
This is better than "Hue"

*
Awkward dancing, song's solid though

*
Better hope that DNA sells

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Does subunit DNA cost less?

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Song title - a good suggestion

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Please buy my U-KISS albums

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Seriously, it's cheaper than DNA

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Really good, release more stuff

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IU doesn't suit moody orchestration

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Best album in k-pop seriously

*
Dull song but nice video

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Do I have a choice?

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Slightly above average boring ballad

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No "Shake" but it'll do

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Better than their goddamn singles

eunsle

I Can Finally Stan Soyeon Publicly Again

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I have been waiting for this day for two years.


Soyeon Fanboy closed down and started Soyul Mafia. Sometime in 2012, SFB started his tumblr and a lot of people started confusing me for him. Normally, I don't give a shit what people think of me, but being mistaken for SFB is simply too insulting for me to ignore. I had to draw the line somewhere as I simply don't like being mistaken for someone very delusional who is suffering from multiple psychological problems. Now I can pass the torch to IATFB over at Asian Junkie as people start confusing him for Soyul Mafia.

Now to celebrate the fact that I will no longer be mistaken as the dumbest T-ara fan in existence, it's time to spam some Soyeon!






MNet is blurring out Kris' Face

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You won't BELIEVE who it is!
On a recent episode of MNet's Exo File fans were quick to notice in one segment that Kris' face was blurred out. No doubt to shield citizens from that hideous visage and totally not because of recent legal troubles and because since his legal contract with SM blah blah blah. This isn't the first time something like this has happened, during Daniel of Dalmatian's drug scandal he was also shown blurred out in TV segments.

Moments later.

A lot of fans are taking it personally however. I can't blame them, MNet/the rest of the world is out to get them.

Using K-pop in Real Life: Breakup Edition

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We've all seen it on the nets before, the little testimonials from fangirls who feel blessed because they have apparently learned the Korean language from watching dramas and translating K-pop lyrics. It seems like a plausible theory because you pick up some snazzy basic pronouns, verbs, and adjectives, but in reality you're not going to get very far because Korean is a conjugated language and you're not going to pick up exactly what to say where from listening to Oppar whine on about losing the supposed love of his life and also because no one talks like that in real life. To prove my point (and for shits and giggles), let's take some phrases from K-pop songs and apply them to real life situations to see what happens!*



*Because I'm no Korean master we will use the translated (and probably condensed) lyrics but trust me it'll work all the same lol

This week's theme is.... (drumroll)... Breaking up (Like you couldn't tell from looking at the title)

Situation:  I actually don't want you to dump me


Guy: You know, you’ve never opened your heart to me, I feel like I’m looking at a wall, you know that? You’re next to me but I’m even lonelier tonight. I waited for you but this just isn't it so now I’m leaving you.

Girl: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Guy: Oh, I don’t know if I’ve been deep inside your heart or not, that’s what I’m curious about – Before I get too tired, tell me, tell me, answer me


Girl: Did you take something before coming over here?

GuyFor a while, I felt like I was filled with you, I remember those happy memories, don’t forget that there isn’t anyone to wait for you like I have – no!

Girl: You are definitely on something.

Guy: This fool can’t even tell me not to go, why did I only look at this fool, at pitiful you?

Girl:  I didn't say anything...

Guy:  I want you to beg for me so I’ll wait for you, tell me, “Don’t ever leave me” Fool, why did I love you? I only have you – why?

Girl: Do you need some professional help or something? This just isn't working out.

Guy: Baby Catch Me. Catch Me. Catch Me, Girl, Tonight before I leave, I’m serious!

Girl: Okay, get out of my house.

Guy: If only you held onto me, stopped me, cried, hit me and told me the reason...

Girl: Reason for what, your future restraining order?


Situation: Am I sure I heard it right?


Girl: You see, I don't think we should see each other for a while.

Guy: I’m so dizzydid I bump my head somewhere? "Let’s break up," those words keep circling me, did I hear it wrong?

Girl: Uh, I don't know what you're talking about, do you need some ibuprofen or something?

Guy: Wait, everything is falling into place now. You had your fun with me and now you shock me by saying you want to break up.

Girl: What the hell are you rambling on about and why are you talking like we're in some melodrama or something?

Guy: After slowly thinking about it, I can’t live without you. If you’re not here, I’m not here either, all I’d do is just breathe.

Girl: You're right, your mind really isn't here right now.

Guy: You won’t even care how hard it is for me; how can I be with another woman that’s not you? I thought about the future with you!

Girl: Can you stop?

Guy: Just go home today, I need a little time. I’m not in the right state of mind right now.

Girl:  First of all, this is my apartment; Second, you're right about not being right in the head right now. Also, I never said I was breaking up with you, stupid dipshit. I was just telling you that we should stop seeing each other so we can focus on finals. 

Guy: Should I be a man and let you go? Should I let go of your tightly held hand? Should I hug you goodbye? But in the end, I couldn’t do any of tha... Wait, you're not breaking up with me?

Girl: Uhh... I'm considering it now. 


Situation:  The phone conversation


Girl:  Don’t call me, you’ll put my hopes up, you’re not gonna come so just let me go. Don’t come to me like a habit and play with me.

Guy: Actually I was just calling to-

Girl: Look at me, a sad doll tied under string, look, I’m still being dragged around by you.
These tough feelings are hard to cut off , I’m still in your hands, I’m that that that that that that that that doll.

Guy: What are you... what... Do you have a stutter or something?

Girl:  You’re so bad, I’m hurting again. You haven’t changed at all, I haven’t changed either.

Guy: I don't know what you're talking about, did something happen today?

Girl:  I’m reacting to your fickle nature, tell me, is this fun for you?

Guy: I was just calling to ask you what we had for homework today, who are you directing these other statements at?

Girl:  Once is enough, I can’t do this again, please get out of my life. Just when I think I’m over you, why do you come and provoke me? You’re gonna leave anyway.

Wait, you're just calling for homework help?

Guy: Erm, yeah, remember me? We went to the same high school and, uh, dated senior year?

Girl: I don’t like you, I hate you. You haven’t changed at all, I haven’t changed either. Can’t I erase you? Why am I so stupid? The more I fight against it, the more I get tangled up.

Guy: We dated for like a week, get a grip.

Girl:  My deep scars are irreversible, tell me, am I just a joke to you? I need to erase everything, why can’t I escape?

Guy: I'm, uhh, just going to ask my roommate for the assignment...

Girl:  We didn't have homework, oh, he hung up. 

Guy: If you feel it’s a burden that all my senses are focused only on you, I will leave now.

Girl: Well, hi. What are you talking about?

Guy: If I made you suffer because I couldn't control my feelings, I will go now.

Girl: The heck?

Guy: I was afraid that like “hooc,” you might fly away from my side, I didn’t know then that I was hurting you with my foolish obsession.

Girl: I don’t even know you, you just barged into my apartment.

Guy:  I won’t make any more excuses, so don’t look at me with that face. I just wanted to wish you happiness.

Girl:  You’re confusing me.

Guy:  Just know this before you go, that I was a man who loved only you. So stupid was I, an idiot and a scumbag who couldn’t even protect you.

Girl: Protect me from what and go where? You’re not making any sense right now, are you drunk?

Guy:  If you stay with me until the end, you might stumble and fall. Someday a person who will set you free will come to you.

Girl: Okay, you’re asking to be smacked.

Guy: Thank you for all the happy memories, move on and forget everything. Just go before I change my mind and hold onto you.

Girl: What is your problem? What are you asking for?  The fuck is this, you just met me five minutes ago and you broke my door.

Guy: One of these days I might miss you like crazy and call your phone. I f I ever show up outside your house then be cold. Now go on, I’ll be okay someday.

Girl: You are a nutjob and we aren’t in a drama, now tell me what I did to deserve this senseless rambling.

Guy: Oh, this is the wrong apartment…

-----------------------

Now that we see how disastrous that situation can be, let's apply it to other situations... next time. If you have any situations you want some awful K-pop lyrics applied to then leave them in the comments, I guess. 

I Take Back What I Said About Yooyoung

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In my 2013 Bias List Wreckers article, I stated that I started to like Yooyoung only because she chopped off her hair. I thought she looked terrible with long hair back in 2012.



She looks jjangbak as fuck.

(Every article this week will be short, as I have a final exam to prepare for, and then I work everyday Wednesday through next Tuesday.)



South Korea Draws with Russia 1-1

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ANTI KPOP-FANGIRL IS YOUR ONE STOP FOR UP-TO-DATE WORLD CUP COVERAGE.
The man of the hour, Lee Keun Ho
The South Koreans manage to draw with the Russians in a 1-1 game full of gaffes and hilarity.



The only Korean goal comes from a truly lucker-dog kick from yung Lee Keun Ho at 68' in what will surely go down in World Cup history as one of the most hilarious (or embarrassing).



Yes, that just happened. Lee sends a solid kick down the pitch straight into the hands of Russian keeper Igor Akinfeev in what should have been an easy save... BUT THE BALL REBOUNDS OFF HIS HANDS, JUMPS OVER HIS HEAD, SLIPS OUT OF HIS HANDS (AGAIN), AND PLANTS ITSELF IN THE BACK OF THE NET.

Truly divine providence.

Unfortunately for Korean and Koreaboos all over the world, Russia equalizes at 74', but the shame will never go away.

What does this mean for Korean Cup dreams? Since the group favorites Belgium remain strong with a 2-1 victory over Algeria, the driver's seat remains in Korean hands from here on out. Here's the group standings after today. 6 1 4 0

GROUP HWLDGFGAPts
 Belgium100213
 Russia001111
 South Korea001111
 Algeria010120

If Korea wants to get out of groups, they have to beat Algeria to keep the dream alive. Make sure you tune in on Sunday June 22nd to support your oppas.
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