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A Pink - LUV

November 28, 2014, 4:06 pm
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Ha Young and the rest of A Pink have made a cumback, and it is glorious.



This song almost exemplifies everything that works for K-pop and why I got into it:


  • Catchy song with a nice melody
  • Knows what it wants to be by not trying to mishmash several unrelated styles of music
  • Almost complete lack of English aside from the "L-O-V-E Love" in the chorus
  • No rapping
  • Ha Young
  • Naeun
  • Chorong
  • Eunji
  • Bomi
  • Yes, even Namjoo is looking good
What K-pop is really good at is mixing what worked well in the past with what is popular now. Sometimes we get great songs and other times we wish that we were deaf so that we wouldn't have to listen to these piece of shit songs. However, K-pop loves to use unnecessary elements, such as idol rapping and the latest EDM trend.

A Pink generally avoids the shit trends, all thanks to their composers. However, the problem with A Pink's songs is that their songs are normally reinvented 90's pop songs. Growing up during the 90's, I hated pop music, and now in my early 20s, I still think 90's pop music is a gigantic pile of diarrhea.

A lot of people may not like this song because it sounds like a 90's pop song (and then there are people who will L-O-V-E Love this song because of that), but despite my hatred for 90's pop music, I enjoy Luv a lot because this song, and A Pink's songs in general, are produced a lot better and are sped up enough to make the songs interesting enough to listen to. 

Could Luv be a better song? You bet your ass it could be. Given its genre and inspirations, Luv makes the most out of the 90's sound. Plus, how could I say no to Ha Young?


This girl is perfection, and I am so glad that she turned 18 this year. Now I don't have to watch out for Chris Hansen when I say that I would tongue her asshole.


One of my bosses told me that a man doesn't truly love a woman unless he is willing to lick her asshole during sex. So does this automatically make me the number 1 Ha Young fan out there?

And yes, I know I am terrible at drawing people. AKF told me that MS Paint pictures should be used from time to time, but it looks like Ha Young is shooting a pink turd into my mouth instead a tongue licking her crack. Luckily the drawing standards here are really low, so my awful drawings should fit right in.


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A Lesson in Korean History: IU and Seotaiji's Sogyeokdong

November 29, 2014, 12:00 am
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Hello, FISHies! After a long hiatus, I am finally returning to my part in contributing to the blog with an article that may be potentially boring to a few; however, extremely informational to those who shall read it. Now without further ado, I shall explain to you the historical significance of IU and Seotaiji's newest release, 'Sogyeokdong'.

The three videos released to go along with the song each play an important part in bringing across the atmosphere and key elements of 1980's South Korea. Each expand upon one another, and the whole story cannot be understood if they are not watched all together.

Some see the video as a simple tragic love story of a young boy and girl who were parted by harsh circumstances, and though this may be true, this is only but a small section of the image that the directors/Seotaiji were trying to get across.

During the 1980's in South Korea, high political tensions arose after the coup d'etat of December Twelfth. As a result, military General, Chun Doo-Hwan, took over Korea as president

General Chun Doo-Hwan
After his gaining of power, Chun Doo-hwan enforced strict martial law over Korea: his reign put and end to democratization; minimum wage; and freedom of press. As a result, university students formed unions to protest against his unfair ways as they were tired of their needs being constantly ignored by Chun Doo-hwan.

Protests were most prominant in the Jeolla region, especially in Gwangju. On the morning of May 18, students protested at the gates of Chonnam National University as a result of it closing due to the recent expansion of martial law in the region.

A map of the Korea; the green area is the Jeolla Province
The students began by protesting peacefully; however, Chun Doo-hwan sent 30 paratroopers to the event. As a result, the two opposing forces clashed - students armed with rocks, while the paratroopers carried guns. By the end of the day, the ROKA SWC (Special Warfare Command) had sent in 686 more paratroopers to deal with the situation at hand. This event marked the beginning of the Gwangju Uprising, which ended in the defeat of the citizens on May 27th, 1980.

Now you may be asking yourself, "What does this have to do with the video? And more importantly, how do you know this is what the video is trying to get across?"

Actually, it's pretty obvious that this is when the video occurs. The first piece of evidence is in the description of IU's video on the 1theK channel, which simply states that the lyrics reflect 1980's Korea.

The second piece of proof is displayed through the uniforms that the boy and his class are seen wearing in the video. They all wear uniforms that resemble those that military troops would wear. During the 80's, it was common that boys would wear such clothing at school, and is strong evidence of the importance of the military in Korea during that time period.


If you would like to read more about the Gwangju Uprising, I would advise you either read the Wikipedia article, or this one called 'Dying for Democracy'.

After getting all of that aside, I will now analyze what each part of the video represents during this time period.

The first time that we can see the girl and the guy, Song Hyun-soo (or so his nametag reads), directly interact is when the girl is seen on the streets late at night, standing by the door of her house and seeming slightly panicked upon seeing the boy. Rushing into the house, she picks up a radio from her sleeping father, being quick and quiet about it as not to wake him up. Returning back outside, she lures Hyun-soo to the steps, on which they listen solemnly to the radio.


It is important to note that during the 80's, freedom of press was limited, and stricter restrictions were enforced as a result of Chun Doo-hwan's declaration of nationwide martial law. The radio that the girl is in possession of can access frequencies which are restricted to normal citizens. Much like in North Korea today, house radios and those such as the one in the taxi at the beginning of the video are restricted to government controlled stations, a form of propoganda used to support Chun Doo-hwan's reign.

It is also important to know that during the Gwangju Uprising, the citizens were catagorized under two distinct groups: Doves, who were ready to surrender to the troops; Hawks, who would not surrender and fight until their needs were met.

The girl's father/family represent the Hawks, as they had access to information that was otherwise restricted to the rest of the citizens. It is assumed that the girl wasn't supposed to take the radio out of the house, as the father slept by it, guarding it and hiding it from plain sight as to not alert troops of its existance.


However, by taking it outside of the house and waving it around carelessly, it's possible that either troops or other citizens either saw her in possession of it, or heard the radio broadcasting speech that wasn't supposed to be accessed. This event plays a significant role in the result of the video, which will be discussed later.

As the boy walks down the street, the girl gives him a note in the form of an origami crane. Traditionally in Asian culture, cranes are thought to be signs of happiness and eternal youth, which is ironic considering the time period of the video. During the Gwangju Uprising, many of the protestors who were killed were young teenagers, who were, in spirit, given an eternal youth.


The note that he recieves reads, "Meet me when the lights go off." This refers to the curfews that were in play during the 80's. During these, most people would stay inside with the fear of being shot, but some others also took this as an opportunity to set fire to cars; broadcasting stations who had misreported the events, and tax offices. (South Korean Democracy: Legacy of the Gwangju Uprising, 167)


However, the video does not end happily as many hoped it would. The girl's father is a Hawk, therefore, if the army found out, they would track him down and try to arrest him - even kill him. The girl has exposed her family as Hawks, giving the army the information they needed so that they could make the arrest.

As she sits, possibly shortly after the boy had passed by with his class, army troops are seen running up the steps in the direction of her house. Shortly after, a scene is presented showing her father struggling with one of the army members, while she cries in the corner of the room.


As expected, when Hyun-soo goes to meet up with her, she is not at her house, as it is seemingly abandoned. The look on his face shows that he knows what could have happened, as it was very common during that time for people to be persecuted for standing up for themselves.

In short, these videos tell the struggles of the citizens, especially young teenagers, during an unfortune time in Korean history. Seotaiji has grown up during this time period, which is why he could have possibly wanted to bring attention to what his early life was like, along with shedding light on the harsh conditions of life during the 80's. Because of these videos, many people such as myself who previously did not know what had happened are now aware of the Uprising.

Personally, I find it amazing to know that such an awful event happened just over 30 years ago, and since then, Korea has changed so much. It's possible that Seotaiji wanted to show how he feels about this change, having gone through it in real life, even if only a small portion of how he must feel.

Now before I go, I must say that I'm very pleased with the song and music video. Personally, IU is one of my favorite artists, and as some of you may know, her 'Modern Times' album is among my favorites. I was fairly surprised that the song was as good as it was, and it has earned its part among my top played songs in iTunes.
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AKFG innovation: Opperviewnity

November 30, 2014, 2:38 am
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Here at AKFG we love to be straightforward about what many aren't and occasionally be indirect or casually mocking about what others are typically straightforward. In an effort to contribute to the facilitation of the former, I have created this new word for you all to enjoy. It combines "Opportunity" with "Perv" and "View" and I suppose you could even pretend it also includes "Oppa" for certain "innocent (not actually innocent)" girl group concepts. (7학년1반, A Pink)

This would be a word for all those moments indirectly understood as only existing to scope out DAT BODY or otherwise fill your mind with perversions, yet in a context that pretends to be for a different, neutral reason. So for instance, gravure videos would be 97% opperviewnities, and the latest Dream Team episode with girl groups playing in tight clothing at the pool would be somewhere around 25-35% vaguely opperviewnistic yet 5% very blatant.

AOA provides a nice example with this video:

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Hello Venus Really Wants You To Fap To Them

November 30, 2014, 4:43 pm
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Hello Venus is vying for the Representative Fap Group with the hopes of taking the crown from AOA. Can they achieve their goals? Will Fany start stanning Hello Venus? Will Unknown bring up J-pop/Japan when those subjects rarely have anything to do with what we write about? Will some sick bastard complain about how they wished Yoo Ara/Frankenstein's daughter was still in the group so that they could see her in this concept and then proceed to tell everyone about their monster fetish? Will enough people watch Hello Venus's videos so that Brave Brothers will give them a better song next time? Will AOA retaliate by having Seolhyun go to Japan to do gravure? Will we see a match between Hello Venus and AOA in which both groups try to prove that it is the sexiest one in Korea? Have I asked enough questions yet? If not, did you fap?
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[MV Review] Nicole - Mama

December 1, 2014, 12:00 am
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Finally after the long wait, KARA’s ex-member, Nicole, is back with a solo debut. Now we all know that she’s not that strong of a vocal, hell, she's mediocre, but of course, she tried her luck with a song that wasn’t extremely vocal-heavy, and the outcome was… interesting?

First things first, I'll discuss the video, then I'll get to talking about the song itself.

When it comes to kpop, or just music in general, I absolutely LOVE darker concepts, so when I saw the teasers, I couldn't help but be super hyped for this song. I honestly think that Nicole looks better than ever, but maybe that's just a personal preference of mine.

The choreography is slightly bland, except for when it gets to the chorus and the instrumental after the first chorus. I'm not one to be overly critical about dances, unless they're extremely cringeworthy, which this was not. However I worry about how she'll hold up in live performances where she has to sing and dance at the same time.

I looked in the comments and saw that people said the song and video did not compliment each other well, which I have to disagree with. I think that the video fit perfectly with the song if you look at what the lyrics are trying to depict.



The song talks about a girl who has been told by her mother (thus why the song is called 'Mama') to not fall in love because men are dangerous, seemingly because the mother has been hurt before. However, the girl starts to fall in love with a man, and when she realizes this, she becomes distraught and tries to push away her feelings until she finally accepts them, wanting to explore this new feeling with the man she's in love with.

Realizing that this is much to the distaste of her mother, many of the lyrics display an apologetic tone and the feelings of regret she feels towards her mother, constantly saying "sorry". Even though, instead of controlling her feelings, she decides to go against what her mother says and accept them.

If people who commented that nonsense about the song and video not fitting together had taken the time to actually read the lyrics, I believe those comments wouldn't exist in the first place, but of course, human ignorance is inevitable when it comes to things like this.

Now you may be asking, how does the video relate to this?

 

The first thing I'd like to talk about is the scene with the gum. In this scene, Nicole simply chews gum. Why is this so important? If you hadn't noticed, her outfit completely changed between the two scenes. The first scene in which she actually picks up the gum shows her wearing a black/dark outfit, displaying the feeling of being trapped in a veil of darkness and ignorance to the feelings of love. However, the last scene in which the gum is popped shows her in a white outfit. The popping of the gum could be linked to somebody finally letting go of pent up feelings, or the loss of one's innocence. The white outfits shows that she is finally in the light, and that her curiosities have been answered, no longer hidden and disposed of.

 

The scene with the balloons displays a similar message. The over sized sweater she wears can be linked to the fact that because she has been shielded her whole life, she feels childish. The fact that the sweater is too big represents that the space that needs to be filled for her to fit the sweater properly is not yet there, as she has not experienced what so many people her age had been allowed to. The color black on the balloons represents the same thing that it did in the previous scene, the feeling of being trapped. The amount of balloons that she carries around shows how long she's had to hold in these feelings and how burdened she feels doing so.


At the end of this particular scene, Nicole lets go of all the balloons except for one. It doesn't seem as if she did so on impulse, as they just sort of floated away without any particular effort from her part, as if she'd been carefully planning to do so for a while. This shows that she could no longer contain these feelings that she had, and the remaining balloon represents the last step that she could complete, actually allowing the man she loves to love her fully. She looks up at the balloon, showing that she knows that one day, she'll have to let go of this one too and let her feelings be free. The height of the ceiling can also be taken into account. The ceiling of the room this is shot in is very high, and it would be impossible to reach the balloons on her own. This shows that once she accepted her feelings, there was no way she could possibly take them back.


The last scene I'd like to talk about is the bathroom scene. I've seen people in the comments criticize this scene because it's "disgusting", but the video's message wouldn't have been conveyed as strongly if the scene wasn't included. In the scene, you can see Nicole holding a childish doll that contrasts heavily from the rest of the scene. The bathroom is extremely dirty, graffiti covering every inch of the walls. The doll represents her childish dreams of forever obeying her mother as well as her childish views on love and how she thought men would be (displayed by how the doll is drawn and the fact that is is of a man). In the end however, she throws the doll into the toilet, disposing of her child-like view on what love is and accepting that fact that the feelings she has are not those of a child, but those of a woman. This can also be shown by the fact that the bathroom is literally dirty, a symbol of "dirty" thoughts she's having.

The only complaint I have about the video is one of the outfits.


What the hell? Did the directors want her to look like one of the Branchtenders from Fallout: New Vegas? Because if so, they succeeded. The hoodie is absolutely awful, an eye-sore actually. Whoever designed the damn thing should be fired, and the person who made her wear it should be as well. 

Now for the fun part: the song itself. And all I have to say is that the song wasn't awful, but it wasn't extremely amazing either. The verses were extremely bland, lacking even. Nothing really stood out from them, but I guess that's expected from someone who isn't exactly the strongest vocal out there.

The bridge usually either makes or breaks the song, but here, it really didn't do anything to the song at all. It was just there. As I said earlier, she's not an amazing vocal, so I probably shouldn't have expected too much from it, but it should have at least been decent.

Now, I said the song wasn't awful, but all I've been doing is complaining about it. There are actually two things that I love about the song: the chorus and the instrumental.


The chorus is absolutely brilliant, and pretty much the only reason that I've been listening to the song at all. Had they used any other sound clip from the song in Teaser 2, I probably wouldn't have been interested in it at all.

The instrumental is also beautiful, the simple, single notes that are played by the piano are brilliant, and add to the darkness of the song, as its semi-bright tone contrasts heavily from the rest of the background music. I also really enjoyed the fact that they decided to use French in the song, as using other languages besides English and Korean in kpop isn't extremely common. Sure, I have no idea what whatever she's saying means, but it sounds nice (apparently she says, "L’amour de ma vie, vous êtes mon soleil").

All in all, I'd have to give this release a 3.5/5. Though the song was lacking, the video was brilliantly conducted, and thus the realease is deserving of this score. I'd also suggest checking out the actual mini album because the song 'Joker' that she did with Ricky was great, but I can see why it wasn't used for promotions.

What do you think of her solo debut? Do you believe that she could possibly make it on her own? Leave your answers in the comments section below, and if you have any suggestions for MVs I should review next, feel free to put those in the comments as well! ♥
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Dr. Strangefap, or: how I learned to stop worrying and love k-pop censorship

December 1, 2014, 10:01 pm
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So I got asked this question by Anti Kpop-Fangirl:
czq
It's a good question, and I think it's definitely important enough for a post of its own so here it is.  We all know that sex sells, but does more sex sell for more?  This post has the answer!

eunjintro
In a previous post I've compared the state of the current k-pop industry to the operations of the American Motown record label in the 1960s and 1970s.  However, there's another analogy that also works for explaining the inner machinations of the k-pop business, and I'm not the only one who's been able to single it out.
kpoplho
This is all trufax, however the analogy for the purposes of this post isn't to explain the fake personas and shitty-ass contracts of the k-pop business (because I've already been there and done that) but instead to understand how the "studio system culture" impacts representations of sexuality, and what this means for fap.
In the very, very early days of the Hollywood system, tits and ass were everywhere and films were quite risque and brazen.  This era was known as "Pre-Code Hollywood" and during this time there was little meaningful censorship of films with adult content.   This all changed in the 1930s when public pressure to clean up Hollywood's scandaloous reputation at the time allowed censorship to gain weight and the Motion Picture Production Code came into force.  Here's a list of things (sourced from this book) that you strictly weren't allowed to show on screen in your Hollywood film according to the Code or your film would get permabanned:
dont1
Holy fucking dick, that's pretty draconian (and you definitely couldn't say "holy fucking dick", by the way).  And here's a bunch of other stuff that you had to be really careful with; use of these topics in non-approved ways could also get your picture easily banned by the censors:
dont2
Wow that's a lot of stuff to think about.  Note that point 2 actually prevented Hollywood directors from making several anti-Nazi films in the 1930s.  Oops!  But what did the Code specifically have to say about sex?
dont3
All this extreme clamping-down on any type of sex in cinema at all had a few interesting effects.  The first effect was that people became extremely sensitive to various types of sexual content, and started to eroticise things which would normally not be considered quite as erotic.  In other words, cinema trained them to become sex fetishists.
Think about the common sex fetishes and porn themes in America and then think about how they relate to the Code and you'll see patterns forming.  When plots for pornographic films do exist, infidelity is probably the most common theme, because it has a history of being forbidden on screen as well as being a real-life taboo and is therefore "naughtier".  "Interracial porn" doesn't even exist in many countries (when two people of two different races fuck on screen most countries just call it "porn"), but because it was forbidden to show sexual relations between whites and blacks by the Code, nobody could see mixed-race relationships on screen in America so people started to specifically long for that and fetishise it, so it later became a specific category within porn to cater to the demand.  Boobs were previously shown on the cinema screen in the Pre-Code era, but now they were always completely covered up, thus making them more desirable, thus meaning that people wanted to see them even more than usual.  Pornography after the Code came into practice had a lot more focus on boobs than it did before this time, for precisely this reason - they were catering to a higher demand for tits.  By starving the public of boobs the Hollywood Code had the opposite effect to what was intended by its creators - instead of making society more pure, they just made it more pure on the outside while simultaneously making it more perverse on the inside.
qriboobs
Here's a picture of Qri that she put up on her Instagram the other day before she very quickly realised that it exposed a little too much by stupid Korean fangirl cunthole standards, and removed it.  (Thanks to the sneaky cao ni ma Queen's who screencapped this moment in boob-history before it went away and forwarded it to me.)  Most hot girls that I know who also have reasonable-sized boobs wouldn't think twice about posting an Instagram pic like this.  However, k-pop fans make a big fucking deal out of it because it's a k-pop star and they don't usually show cleavage, so when it is shown, people suddenly start blowing their loads at extraordinary speed.  Congratulations, you have been "resensitised" to boobs by k-pop.  Suddenly, less is more.
thinkingraina1
Kind of, thoughtful Raina.  Why is there so much porn concerning nuns?  Because almost nobody gets to see under a nun's clothes in real life, it's one of the ultimate forbidden zones.  Likewise, if you think people in the Middle East aren't interested in porn or fapping to boobies like crazy, think again - the data shows that they search it even more than westerners do and it's probably got something to do with women in public wearing clothing that covers more parts of the body than in the west.  On the other hand in certain African societies where women walk around topless all the time, those people don't find breasts to be much of a turn-on at all.  If you can always see it any time you want, it's no big deal anymore, but if you never get to see it, suddenly it's a lot more interesting.  Therefore as k-pop boobs are a forbidden zone, prurient interest is heightened; that's why there's so much interest in idol tits and why the posts of mine that trend the highest and get the most hits are the ones with boobs in them.  Or the promise of boobs in them.  Or ass.  Or whatever it is that you want to see that k-pop normally doesn't want to show you.


The dance routine for AOA's "Miniskirt" was changed in Korea because it was "too racy"... but what's the most raunchy thing about the dance?  Why, the girls unzip their skirts.... not take them off, just unzip them a little bit.  You see maybe two more extra square inches of flesh on the side of each girl's leg than you otherwise would... which is nothing, really... yet it's hot as fuck.  Meanwhile, in America:


Lady's video is over-the-top, hilarious fun, but it's not that sexy... whether you like the ladies on offer here or not.  It's closer in spirit to a workout video than something that somebody would fap to.
All the censorship in Hollywood also had another effect - it really pissed off movie directors.  Frustrated by Joe Censor (and yes his name really was Joe) stepping in and forcing them to re-write scripts and even change endings to comply with the ludicrous censorship requirements, directors started to become sneaky cao ni mas and sneak in their sexual content around the edges.


The most well-known example of this is Alfred Hitchcock's "Notorious".  The Code stated that over three seconds of actual continuous kissing in a kissing scene was considered "excessive and lustful" and therefore cruising for a banning.  Hitchcock worked around these rules and trolled the censor magnificently by interspersing kissing with dialogue in the above scene and stretching out the passion to over two minutes - Joe Censor couldn't do shit about this because Hitchcock was able to work the loophole.  After the late 1960s when the Code was removed, Hitchcock lamented its passing, because of the fun he had pushing boundaries like these.


The 1960 film "Spartacus" depicted life in ancient Rome which was a city of vast and liberal homosexual cockgobbling gayness, but you couldn't talk about a preference for slobbering on knob instead of eating out pussy on the screen, so Stanley Kubrick got his actors to talk about oysters and snails instead of vaginas and dicks.  This way he was able to slip his "inference to sex perversion" (as the Code called it) past the censors of the day... and most of the audience too, although anyone who was gay probably understood the reference, because they would have been looking for and hoping for just such a reference in a "two guys in the bath" scene.  The political sphere has a term for when this type of tactic is applied to convey one message overtly and another different message to a specific subgroup - dog-whistle politics.  I'm not sure if the k-pop world has a different term for the same thing happening in the entertainment sphere, but observant types can see dog-whistle-something happening in k-pop music videos easily enough.
Sometimes it's fairly obvious boundary-pushing going on with not too much hidden:


Anyone not extremely naive will know that Stellar's "Marionette" is using fresh milk from the fridge as a substitute for fresh milk from a guy's nutsack.  However, there really isn't that much skin exposure going on in the milk-dribbling scene, it's the colour of the liquid and the specific angles and presentation which lead the mind to the most dirty thoughts possible even though not much is really happening except a bit of sloppy drinking.  The video director is exploiting your brain to make you see more sex than what is actually present - a classic envelope-pushing tactic in the Hitchcock tradition.  Let's now look at a more complex example with dog-whistle messages in full effect.


The sexual references in the MV for EXID's sleeper hit "Up & Down" flash by so quickly that they're sometimes hard to discern.  Anyone naive and innocent will just see some girls playing around with balloons, fruit and some magician-stuff, but general perverts will notice the phallic balloon-blowing, genitalia-esque fruit still-life and erection-creating.  More advanced perverts have another layer to unravel.
exidf
If you understand this picture after reading my red text, well done, you are a perv.  If you understood it instantly even before you read the red text, and also understand exactly which subgenre of pornography it's referencing (a clue: not foot fetishism) then you are the type of Kpopalypse-grade pervert that EXID's dog-whistle message is directly targeting.  Congratulations, you sick fuck.  Also, if you're a new reader I'd just like to say hello and welcome and tell you that I think you'll enjoy my writing in general.
Even SNSD got in on the act, and their dog-whistle got under the radar of nearly everyone including the majority of their own fanbase and quite possibly even the girls themselves:


"SNSD never did a sexy concept"... yes they did - this is it, right here.  The specific lighting, the specific design of the room-shaped set, the clothes, the boots, especially the hats... Joe Cocker had something to say about those hats... yes that's right kids, this is a fucking peepshow stripper concept.  Little rectangular holes in the walls or one-way mirrors would have made it too obvious and given the game away thus drawing the ire of Korea's censors but anyone familiar with the more elaborate peep show setups will see the inspiration for their concept instantly.
pssroom
Why do you think they chose this type of concept for a song called "Show Show Show"?  Because whoever thought it up is insinuating that SNSD is going to "show show show" you some tits and ass.  If you're now thinking "but... you're only seeing that because you've got a dirty mind!" you've just understood exactly how these kind of messages work.
But the real question is, does this puritanical shit that Korean video directors constantly have to edge around and dog-whistle under actually make k-pop more popular globally and help fappers?  The answer to this question is a definite "yes" because all these daft rules make k-pop more exportable.  One of the reasons why k-pop has exploded to become a global cult phenomenon whereas pop from other countries has not, is that you can export k-pop's high quality and sexually tease-rather-than-please visuals to almost anywhere in the world.  Some country where the population is 99% brainwashed by some ultra-conservative organised religion like fluffy-unicorn-worship probably can't handle Lady and they probably can't handle AKB48 either, but something like EXID will get through the net.  The smart agencies know how to toe the line betwen fapability and conservatism, getting away overtly with what they can and sneaking the juiciest fap content under the radar of prudes in foreign markets using dog-whistle tactics, and they're good at it precisely because their home market is so prudish that they're used to thinking this way.  The results are far more fappable than they would otherwise be, plus whole countries wouldn't get the content at all otherwise.  In this way, we can see that censorship backfires - it allows the sexy content to spread further, reach more people and it generates more interest in whatever content is presented.  Here's a picture of Hyosung that I stole from an Asian Junkie article, who's boobs look really hot here precisely because she's got some transparent cloth obstructing her cleavage.
HyosungYesMoar2
I'll finish up this post with another unrelated tale of censorship failure - censorship doing exactly the opposite to what the censors want (which it always does).  A few years back, the Attorney-General of South Australia was Michael Atkinson.  Michael was one of those "protect the children" family-values types and was pretty keen on censorship, he was instrumental in making sure that Australia didn't get an R18+ rating for computer games until very recently.  Because we didn't have an R18+ rating, computer games that would normally get that rating snuck in under the MA15+ rating instead, meaning that younger kids got to play them.  Oops!  Mike also snuck a nasty piece of legislation into South Australia which stated that all R18+ DVDs and BluRay for sale in regular DVD stores had to be either sold in plain packaging, or consigned to a special section of the shop just for them.  It just goes to show how behind-the-times our politicians are - legislating on physical movie product in 2010?  The young people who he wanted to protect don't even go into a video store anymore, so this change doesn't even affect them.  It's got a great effect for me though - I no longer need to go browsing through an entire DVD store to find what I want, all the smutty and violent films that I'm interested in are all grouped conveniently together on the same shelf!  DVD stores couldn't be bothered with unappealing and costly special plain packaging so instead now every DVD and BluRay store in my city is legally forced to create a special signposted R18+ section so I can easily find the films that I want, or they can be fined $5000 for not catering to my specific taste!  Awesome, high fives to Michael Atkinson and his outstanding work in the field of helping perverts like me choose films wisely!
caonimashop
Anyway that wraps up this blog post, and just as a heads-up for all you lovely readers to prepare yourself for my next post which is going to be all abou...
censored3y
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Review: "Come Here" by some guy featuring Bobby and Dok2

December 2, 2014, 9:53 pm
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OMG, my boy's on fire!!





My new favorite rapper, iKON's Bobby (saranghaeyo), just featured on another song, and I can't even.

The new song, "Come Here," is the second of YG's recent two hip-hop project groups. The first was my jam "Good Boy," by two of my other fave rappers, GD and Taeyang. Unlike the other AKF writers, I'm really hoping YG comes out with more of these project groups. Something with CL and WINNER would be hawt.

Anyway, "Come Here" is straight-up hip-hop. Unlike Jay Park and Zico (who was totally hot before he came out with "Tough Cookie"), Masta Wu, Dok2, and Bobby (saranghaeyo) make hip-hop their own.


So badass!!


"Come Here" starts off with that ajusshi Masta Wu, and he's OK. But when Dok2 starts, oh my. Boy slays it. And Bobby (saranghaeyo) ... I can't even describe how amazing he is. His voice. His face. That stare.




Omo!


I'm super happy he's getting a chance to shine. "Born Hater," "I'm Different," and now this? I feel like my ovaries are going to explode.


And he's SO SILLY.


I love the video for this song, too. It shows the real hip-hop life, with guys holding umbrellas for you, remote-controlled helicopters, and big glasses of milk. The only thing I didn't like about this MV was the girl in the spiked bra. Like, what even was her role?


Whore, stay away from Bobby (saranghaeyo).


BOTTOM LINE: It's so refreshing for kpop to release a real hip-hop song.



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Return of the Attack of Bad Fanart

December 3, 2014, 1:16 pm
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Even Bob Ross thinks your drawing is shit.


This grainy photo is the last known picture of this serial rapist.


I'm the captain of this retarded ship.


My lips are like an extra fleshy butthole.


There's a lot going on here, but I can't not notice that his earring is an 'L'.


If llamas were idols.


Ever seen an alien wearing a potato sack?


Spooky scary skeletons.


...


I just won the retard race, but I'm still retarded.


We can see your soul. Stop fapping to us.


More like pinocchi-no. As in no just no.


They found me in an aquarium,


...


Pretty sure I've posted this alien drawing artist before.


Does this hat make me look cross-eyed?


...



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KPOPALYPSE END OF YEAR MEGA SURVEY

December 4, 2014, 5:17 am
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You guys and girls like surveys.  I like it that you like surveys.  You said you wanted more surveys, bigger, longer, fatter, and with more cao ni ma action.  Your wish is granted in the KPOPALYPSE END OF YEAR MEGA SURVEY!

fansign-2

CLICK THE QRI TO TAKE THE MEGA SURVEY

The survey will remain up until I get enough responses.  A future post will contain the results!  Have fun!
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[MV Review] GD&YB - Good Boy (How GD Has Corrupted Taeyang With Marijuana)

December 4, 2014, 9:21 pm
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I (as in Zaku) thought we'd try a duo-review after some time since the last one. This particular collaboration is between me (as in Zaku still) and HanYeSeul Fag.

HYS_F:




I have never thought this quote from Mr. Mackey was more true than when I listened to "Good Boy." Good God, I have no idea where to start about what is wrong with this song. However, I can tell you the source of the shittiness of the song.





Five years ago, Taeyang released one of the best songs of the current generation of K-pop music, "Wedding Dress." He was at the top of his game, turning himself into one of Korea's representative R&B artists. His solo material really sold me on his ability. Of course, the song was composed by Teddy, when he was focused on composing good music instead of inserting his tongue into Han Ye Seul's pussy.

Taeyang continued to have a successful solo career after "Wedding Dress," releasing hits such as "I Need A Girl." His music was still very good. I was surprised how much I liked his music because I just got into Korean entertainment a year ago, and you guys know what song came out a year ago...



What the fuck happened to Taeyang? I had to investigate, because as a new fan, I couldn't understand how this shit song got over 20 million views. I found his old songs and became a fan, so I had to find what caused Taeyang to stray from the path of good music.



"Mother fucker!" was the first thing I said when I saw Taeyang in dreadlocks in this MV. I knew it had to be G Dragon's influence. He probably shared his weed with Taeyang, and after smoking enough joints, Taeyang changed his career trajectory for the worse. I'm okay with people smoking weed until it leads people to making horrible decisions. Taeyang smoked one too many joints with G Dragon, which is how this shitty song was born.

----

Zaku:

GDruggin x Tokeyang
This horrendous trainwreck of a song is accompanied by your typical wangster-tryhard-YG-bullshit-swag MV. As somewhat of a long time YG fan myself (as if that means anything), I have to say this concept is getting really goddamn old and really goddamn annoying. I don't know exactly what possessed anyone in the YGE staff to think that GD's Goodwill-dumpster-diving fashion sense was a good idea, but it has thoroughly permeated the company image to create what you see today.

I don't even get some of the shit that's going on here.

For example, check out this random white girl getting hyphy watching
other people play DDR.
Who's the poor sap who had this done to him?
Why is the barber so incompetent as to fuck up the letter sizing so 'BOY'
get pushed down past the hair line?
As you can probably tell from what you've seen so far, the visuals are a mess. Everyone's dressed like shit. Whoever directed this must have gotten completely smashed and asked T-ara's director to help him edit the tape because this seems like some of the worst visual diarrhea I've ever seen in Kpop (and that's saying something considering all the awful stuff we get already). We have blacklight, strobe light, fisheye lens, rotating perspective, rainbow strobe light, jump cuts, slo-mo cam, and many many more all in the same video. If the effect was supposed to make you feel like you were on the same dank ass kush/shrooms/cocaine/LSD/all of the above that GD smokes with Taeyang these days, it worked like a charm.

 But surely the choreo's got something in there to redeem the MV a bit right? I mean Taeyang and GD are the two best dancers in Big Bang, and people have circlejerked about how much of a pleasure it is to work with someone so 'gifted' as Taeyang is right? Wrong. WRONG.

There are actually people out there RIGHT NOW who think this is cool.

Who needs technical complexity when you have SWAG??
Not only that, Taeyang has the audacity (or sheer laziness in this case possibly) to rip dance moves off from his own best friend.

WE ALREADY DID THIS DANCE IN "ONE OF A KIND," BRUH
Yeah. So if visuals aren't great and the dance sucks, what's left for us in this MV anyway? Jack shit, that's what. The song sucks balls too. 

I will admit, the beat is kinda nice in a trashy "LET'S GET FUCKED UP TONIGHT AND FUCK SHIT UP" kind of way but everything else about this song -- from the composition to the mixing to the lyrics -- suck. I had high hopes (yes yes, laugh it up) for this song because I held onto some small chance that Taeyang kept up his good karma from going back down the RnB route with his Rise album, but those were promply shit on like our ears were with this song. Possibly the only two things about this song are the Taeyang bridge to the chorus (I liked it) and the end of this song that means we don't have to listen to it anymore.

This is a 100% accurate reproduction of how this song, like every other YG
production these days, was made.

We could have had something so great with this one. Remember the last good Taeyang x GD collaboration? Protip: You can't I Need a Girl from his SOLAR days was fucking fantastic, WHY CAN'T WE HAVE NICE THINGS ANYMORE?


TL;DR:
Don't bother or this will be you:

[TRIGGER WARNING]
S P 0 0 K Y


+:
  • beat is nice I guess
  • Taeyang's bridge is decent I think (at least compared to the rest of the song)
-:
  • everything else

I give this song a 1/5. 
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[BREAKING NEWS] Netizens Accuse SNSD of Cyberbullying Yuri?

December 4, 2014, 11:05 pm
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With all the controversy surrounding SNSD lately, common knowledge would be to expect them to all lay low and reflect on their mistakes. Sadly, like the backstabbing bitches they are (#JUSTICEFORJESSICA #JESSICAWASFRAMED #TAEYEONDIDIT), this was not to be so.

We've received reports that the remaining SNSD members are currently embroiled in a new scandal, this time cyberbullying Yuri.

#leaveyurialone


Kwon Yuri just turned 25 today, and the SNSD members decided to "celebrate" this normally joyous occasion by sharing disgustingly unflattering pictures of the birthday girl on their social media networks.


hyoyeon kim(@watasiwahyo)님이 게시한 사진님,





As of this writing, the three Instagram accounts in question have yet to take down these libelous photos of Yuri. The other 4 remaining members have yet to post any pictures of Yuri.

For her part, Yuri has posted this picture seemingly in response:

A photo posted by @yulyulk on
Caption: Pls no bully #stop

A representative of SM Entertainment who has asked to remain anonymous has come forward with this statement:
The other members have yet to post Yuri pictures because of a very simple reason. They have had many busy and strenuous schedules lately so they probably have not been able to muster up enough fucks to post inane shit like that on their respective social media accounts. We will investigate these reports with the seriousness they deserve. 
Another source close to the girls has come forward saying:
I'm pretty sure none of them gives a fuck about Yuri in general, I'm not surprised. Just last week I saw Yuri crouch down to tie her shoes, and Taeyeon literally tripped over her. Taeyeon just stood up, looked around, and said out loud, 'Who the fuck is responsible for the flooring in this shit building, someone replaces that shit before someone else trips on a crack or something.'
I'm also pretty sure I heard Yoona say, 'The only reason I don't have an Instagram yet is because I'd have to follow Yuri's ugly stick thighs on it or people would call me out. Ew, no thanks.'
Netizen response has been predictably negative, most up in arms at this injustice done on Yuri.
1. [+13121. -27] Those fucking fake ass bitches, who the fuck pulls this shit on a girl's birthday?  
2. [+9999, -18] Are you serious? Those trashy sluts ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ, as expected of people who would backstab each other for money. ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ 
3. [+8423, -72] Everyone knows it was only a matter of time before the next member would get bullied out of SNSD. First Jessica, now Yuri. Who's next? I'm just waiting for them to get disbanded already and fuck off. 
4. [+8121. -63] You really expect to get away with this, thinking no one would notice? ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ These bitches are just asking for trouble. You can't fool netizens, just who do you think gave you your fame and money in the first place? 
5. [+7880, -54] Expect SM stock to drop again, everyone should just sell their shares while they still have some value.  
6. [+5213, -81] Of course this would happen on her birthday ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ Yuri-ah, this oppa feels so sorry this had to happen ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ 
7. [+45, -9812] No way this is real, don't you guys think you're all overreacting over meaningless shit? Remember what happened to T-ara when you all jumped to conclusions about "evidence" of bullying...? Wait never mind, fuck SNSD. ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ
We'll keep you updated on the progress of this breaking story.
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Like money - k-pop music video production costs explained

December 6, 2014, 11:31 pm
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In k-pop the music video is often as important as the song.  I'd even go out on a not-very-dangerous limb and say it's a lot more important than the song in most cases, and for a bunch of different reasons, ranging from building a brand, to building interest in the performers, to product placement, to connecting to global audiences and more.  K-pop is at least as much of a visual phenomenon as it is an auditory one, this much is obvious.  What's a little less obvious to a lot of people is how much money and effort is involved, so that's what this post is going to discuss... hopefully in a way that doesn't bore you to shit.

hyomcam

What makes a music video "cheap" or "expensive"?  How do I tell which is which?  Attentive readers will note that one of my recent Nugu Alert posts touched on the topic of video expenses.  However I didn't go into a lot of detail in that post, and I've been getting requests to write something more in-depth about music video costs ever since, so here we go.

Let's start off by saying that k-pop fans have a funny idea about what the word "cheap" means, k-pop fans will call just about anything that they don't happen to like "cheap" just because they fell out of the wrong side of the bed that morning or mummy didn't put enough milk in their breakfast cereal.  The average k-pop video costs easily two or three times as much as the average major label western music video, and the average major label western music video costs between $50k and $150k.  Expensive high-gloss productions from the likes of SM, YG, CUBE, MBK, JYP, TS etc... you'd be lucky to see any change out of half a million dollars in terms of total expense.

So, what's costing all that money?  Let's look at some of the various aspects of making a music video so we can get a picture of where all the money is going.

STAFF


Firstly, you need some people to actually make the shoot happen, obviously.  What does the typical staff list on a music video shoot look like?  A k-pop film crew may contain most or all of the following:
  • Director - the head creative person, who oversees all creative elements and makes creativity-based decisions.
  • Assistant director - usually in charge of schedules, making sure shit runs on time etc.  On very large shoots there may be multiple assistant directors.
  • Producer - think of a producer as a "filming manager" who organises all the staff to turn the creative vision from something inside the director's head to something that actually happens.
  • Production designer - in charge of the look of the film set.  Very important for "box" videos where an entire set is fabricated from scratch.
  • Art director - oversees the making of props, scene paintings, pretty stuff, to make sure that it meets required standards as laid out by the production designer.  The art director says "hey there production designer my art team made a 50 foot gold-plated dildo for Hyuna to dance under as per your diagram" and the production designer looks it over and says "I calmly accept".
  • Set dresser - makes sure the cookie hovering over Raina's head is sitting at the right angle for the camera to see it.
  • Camera operator - self explanatory.  May be multiple camera operators, and may have assistants depending on the complexity of what's being filmed.
  • Grip - there are several types of grips, a grip is basically a technician who works with any specialised camera movement.  They do things like build train tracks and vehicles for moving cameras around smoothly (known as "dollies"), organise lifts and contraptions, etc.
  • Crane operator - sometimes you need a big-ass crane for a camera or a light, these are common for k-pop groups where getting a fast mobile overhead angle is beneficial to filming a dance routine.
  • Drone operator - for big outdoor events with lots of people and traffic cluttering up the area sometimes a crane isn't the best solution.  Increasingly camera drones are being used in the music video industry (if you want to see confirmed drone use in action try Wonder Girls "Like This" MV where drones were used to shoot the wide outdoor flashmob dance scenes).  Drones are fairly new technology and they are not cheap.
  • Steadicam operator - whenever fast action on-the-ground movement-tracking scenes are required, steadicam is often used, it's basically a wearable camera that tracks movement smoothly.
  • Boom operator - a boom is a big long stick with a microphone on the end that is used for recording dialogue, often used for any MVs that involve dialogue.  Some poor sap has to stand there and hold that thing above your favourite idol while he's pretending to cry in the rain over his lost love in some stupid drama MV.  Yes, boom operators' arms get tired.
  • Gaffer - basically, an electrician.  Because all that equipment needs power somehow.  Also handles lights, although in some countries this is handled by a grip (not sure about Korea's rules here).
  • Electric - any assistants to the gaffer, they do stuff like working out where all those fucking wires are supposed to go.  Important - technical fuck-ups can delay a shoot significantly.
  • Stylists - hairdressers and makeup artists.  A typical k-pop shoot has a small army of these people.
  • Costume designer - Makes clothing happen.  Obviously critical for k-pop where the look of each individual artist is taken very seriously, EXO's tribal lycra spacesuits need to look just right.
  • Wardrobe - manages the workaday aspects of getting EXO in and out of their tribal lycra spacesuits.
  • Digital image technician - videos aren't shot to film anymore, it's all digital.  The digital image tech makes sure that all the digital stuff is happening as it should, so the editor's got the files he needs in the right format and order to piece everything together once the shoot is complete.
This is by no means a complete list, just the basics for a high-production music video, like the ones you see in k-pop.  All of these people obviously need to be paid, usually at hourly rates, plus the equipment they use needs to be hired, usually at daily rates, or sometimes you pay a flat daily rate for a person and their equipment together if they have special gear (a crane or drone operator is a good example of this).  Given that these are specialist fields, the wages aren't cheap, you're looking at a bill of several thousands of dollars just to get the above staff members together for one day of shooting.  Most video shoots are done in one day around-the-clock (i.e no sleep until complete) but if the shoot stretches over multiple days, then double or triple the fees.

LOCATION


Location shoots obviously require access to a location over a consistent time period (several hours) with no interference.  There aren't very many good "free" locations that would work well for any type of k-pop music video (which is why you see certain ones reused in different videos a lot), landlords of prime locations know this and will rent their weird and wonderful areas out to k-pop film crews and rake in the cash.  Access to a good location therefore requires one of two things - connections, or money.   Even apparently "free" locations can contain a large hidden expense - walking down a street in Gangnam might be free but having a 4-12 member group do their dance unobstructed in that same street so they can look cool and trendy requires a city permit to block off the traffic, which requires money.

trendcopy

The above pic is a still from nugu group TREN-D's "Candy Boy".  We can see that a street has been blocked off from traffic access.  Also look at the angle of the shot - from way above.  They've either hired a crane operator, or used a drone to get this shot.  We're already talking thousands of dollars for just this scene alone which is one of several in the video, all of which occasionally feature sweeping high camera angles.  They might be a nugu group but their video doesn't have a nugu price tag.

FABRICATION vs CGI


K-pop "box" sets such as the ones many SM Entertainment artists dance in are often the prime target of people who like to complain about k-pop music videos being "cheap".  In truth, these sets require extensive fabrication (i.e they need to be built out of some real stuff), or they require extensive CGI (computer generated imagery) whiz-bang effects.  Neither are exactly dirt-cheap (if you want the result to look any good, that is), but what's the most common option for k-pop these days?  Let's take a quiz with some popular high-technology box MVs!

KARA - PANDORA - physical set or CGI?  Answer here.
ORANGE CARAMEL - MY COPYCAT - physical set or CGI?  Answer here.
EXO - WOLF - physical set or CGI?  Answer here.
F(X) - RUM PUM PUM PUM - physical set or CGI?  Answer here.
SUPER JUNIOR - MR. SIMPLE - physical set or CGI?  Answer here.
T-ARA - SEXY LOVE - physical set or CGI?  Answer here.
F(X) - ELECTRIC SHOCK - physical set or CGI?  Answer here.
RED VELVET - HAPPINESS - physical set or CGI?  Answer here.
EXO - OVERDOSE - physical set or CGI?  Answer here.
couchnima

How many did you get right?  Almost all of the videos have completely 100% physical sets.  Only Super Junior's "Sexy, Free & Single" made heavy use of CGI and even in their case, the CGI wasn't completely green-screened in but added as extensions to existing physical props that were already quite extensive.  Now think about the amount of staff needed and hours of labour required to design and build each of those sets, as well as the materials and the scale involved.  It's more than a bathroom renovation (and a typical domestic bathroom renovation costs about $10k).  Never again will you think of an SM box video as "cheap" - the fabrication costs for these videos are insanely high and a large percentage of the total budget.

LOGISTICS


Introducing one of the most expensive k-pop videos of all time: "Honey Honey" by Gangkiz.  This video's expenditure came in at about $900k, just under T-ara's "Cry Cry/Lovey Dovey" and B.A.P's "One Shot" which were a cool $1M each.


What is it that makes "Honey Honey" so expensive?  Various scenes in the film were shot in three different European countries, and there's multiple locations for each country.  Now take another look at that staff list above.  Every time you pick up your k-pop girls from one location and plonk them down in a new location, all those other people above have to go with them, plus all their equipment.  In music video industry terminology this is called a "company move", and "Honey Honey" would have had dozens of company moves before the shoot was over.  The MV might look like one cute rented Kombi van full of hot k-pop girls trekking around Europe but there's probably another rented Kombi plus a minibus behind it driven by far less attractive people and full of all the tech gear.

On top of all this, when you're shooting your music video all those people in the list above, on top of your idols, are all getting hungry and thirsty.  They need to be fed, however if you're shooting in a snow dune or a desert somewhere or whatever, it's not like you can go down the road to the local milk bar and get a malted.  Even if there was a milk bar there, time is money and there's not time to be spent acquiring snacks on a busy film set.  The answer to this dilemma is "craft services", friendly guys and gals who provide all-day snack food for your video shoot so your camera guys don't get grumpy and Krystal doesn't faint.  Of course, they don't do this for free - from the perspective of anyone wandering onto the film set it's "free food" (and worth stealing), but it isn't really because the agency still pays for craft services to be there.  And of course, if you're doing a company move, craft services have to move too or there is no food and Krystal faints again.

craft0

POST PRODUCTION


So you've got your video shot at great expense but now what?  Well, assuming that your digital image technician had their shit together during the filming process, you should immediately have a bunch of hot sexy video files ready to post-process and turn into a music video.  You guessed it... it's time to pay another bunch of people a chunk of money to do a bunch of stuff!

Firstly there's the editor, and you probably all know what this is but I'm going to explain it anyway for those that don't.  The editor chops up the footage from the initial long cuts into something that today's kids raised on crappy Michael Bay films actually have a mild chance of paying attention to.  The more cuts, the longer this takes.  Yes, T-ara's "Sugar Free" would have taken a fucking long time.



Some poor sap had to sit there and make all those edits one at a time.  What do you mean you don't fucking like it?  The editor slaved away for days getting this just right so you could whine about it like a little baby.

Then there's the colourist, and no that's not another word for a racist (a colourist may be racist as well, but if so that's just coincidence).  A colourist is someone who makes sure colours match between different takes and different cameras and angles, and that the footage is correctly colour-graded.  This is super important because films without the right colour grading look seriously amateur-hour, and stuff with good colour-grading (i.e everything SM has done in the last 7 or 8 years) looks hot as fuck.  Most people don't know about stuff like colour-grading in any detail so here's a short and fun video explaining it visually.


Then you've got visual effects design.  This mainly means CGI these days, there are other types of visual effects but they are used increasingly rarely, and probably almost never in the high-tech world of k-pop.  CGI in most k-pop videos is fairly subtle when it appears - as covered above, many videos have some CGI content but surprisingly few are just a group dancing in front of a pure CGI backdrop.  CGI when it appears is usually the icing on the cake, not the cake itself.

Lastly, you have sound design which is adding the music content (obviously) and also anything else that may be needed.  A lot of k-pop videos have extensive preambles, sound effects and other stuff that needs to be inserted.

I haven't even discussed other things like teasers, photo sessions and other promotional expenses tied to music videos, this is all just the basic stuff.  By now you probably have realised that even the most basic k-pop music videos are in fact very expensive and you'll be no doubt asking yourself...

HOW DOES ANYONE AFFORD ALL THIS FUCKING CRAP?


It's no secret that the music industry has been on the downturn and there isn't much money to be had.  So where are k-pop companies getting the money for this shit?  From other industries that do have money, that's where.


AOA's "Like A Cat" is an expensive fucking video, I don't know the exact cost but I'd ballpark it as within the $300k-$500k range (and I'm possibly being a little conservative).  It's got more than one expensively-fabricated "box", some melee action, hot outfits, sexy props and set design... and a couple scenes where the AOA girls pass time playing a computer game on their phones.  The amount of money that the computer game company paid the k-pop agency for that promo probably paid for a good chunk of the video's expenses.  If you ever see a k-pop video where there's an easily identifiable product, like a computer game, or a phone with its logo clearly visible, or a conspicuously-displayed (and always rented) car, now you know where the money is coming from.  Phone and car companies love k-pop because it's like an ad that consumers actually want to watch!  Think about how many videos have performers singing in front of cars... that half the time they're not even old enough to drive, let alone rich enough to afford.

evolp

The above still (from EvoL's "Get Up") looks more like a car advertisement than a music video - and that's no accident because in reality, it's actually both.  Sure, the product placement is cheesy and obvious, but without it the high-end productions of k-pop probably couldn't continue to exist.

That's not to say that you can't theoretically make a video for $500... with today's technology and a bit of outside-the-box thinking you certainly can, but it won't look like a k-pop production, it'll look like something you created for $500.  I'll leave you with my favourite $500 handicam video of the year, and I know most of my readers have already seen this before but I don't care, I'm going to shove 912 Crew's "Roller Skate" down your throat again and again until you like it.  Peace.


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LAGOON Releases Full PV For "Kimi no Matsu Sekai"

December 8, 2014, 12:00 am
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Get ready to fap to Takimoto Miori.




As usual, Japan has to be a bunch of cockblockers, so the YouTube video isn't available in America. I'm going under the assumption that it is blocked in every country not named Japan. Luckily, I found the video here.

I like the song. It's rock, but not the slow stuff from Asia I'm so accustomed to listening. Another plus is that Miori doesn't sing like the typical Japanese female soloist in which she is singing in an obnoxious high-pitch as if she was singing a nursery rhyme. Lastly, those abs.

I hope to have some more posts near the end of the month, but finals and shit are coming up.
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Bumkey is NOT a drug dealer

December 10, 2014, 10:25 pm
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I was on Twitter tonight (talk to me: @BobbySaranghaeyo), and everyone was like talking shit about Bumkey doing drugs and selling meth.




My first reaction was "NOOOOOO!!! He's too talented to be a drug dealer!" Now that I've calmed down, I realize this whole "drug dealer" accusation is just a way to silence an amazing artist. Can't people just stfu about stuff they don't know? Oppa doesn't sell drugs, and here's how I know.



First off, my cousin did meth once, so I know what I'm talking about.


Second, I love bae's voice too much for him to be a drug dealer. So he's not. I mean, someone who has a song with Mamamoo can't be that hardcore, right?


RIGHT.


Third, 2014 has been, like, the worst year ever, and I've been alive for 15 of them so I think I know what I'm talking about. Da***it, why can't this year just end? If it was 2015, Oppa wouldn't have been arrested. He'd continue to make sweet, sweet music in my ears.


You probably framed Bumkey, asshole.


So yeah, I think it's pret-tay clear that Bumkey isn't a meth dealing drug addict. I mean, he's famous, you know? He's too good for that.
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Kpopalypse 2014 end of year mega survey - the results!

December 11, 2014, 3:53 am
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Thanks to everybody who did the 2014 end-of-year mega-survey!  Over 850 responses were collected, breaking the current record for Kpopalypse survey participation - wow!  Here's all the results for you, the lovely readers!

qirmega



Question 1:  Hi.  How Are you?  Please answer in as much or as little detail as applicable.

surq01

Most people were good and answered this open-ended text question accordingly.  For those who asked how I am, I'm great, thanks for asking!  Some people didn't believe that I would care about how they feel but I care about all the nice people who bother to do my surveys.  To prove it, here's some answers to some questions that you had:

What does Cao Ni Ma mean?  Answered here.

Should I have a bagel?  Yes.

Can we just get something to fap?  Yes.  Here's a Eunjung GIF from a recent T-ara performance, please enjoy.



Question 2: Do you like the idea of doing another Kpopalypse survey?

surq02

The boredom is strong among Kpopalypse readers, nearly outweighing those who actually wanted to do the survey for fun reasons.  Or maybe you all just really like clicking things a lot, which would explain the high levels of participation.  Either way I'm glad this survey met required standards.  About 9% of the respondents didn't enjoy the survey at all, but did it anyway so whatever.

Question 3: How often do you read Kpopalypse posts?

surq03

The largest chunk of readers figured out that I make a post about once or twice a week, and there's not much point checking any more than that.  Sorry that I forgot to add an option for the Kpopalypse RSS feed, because RSS isn't something that I use so I tend to forget that it exists because I'm such a self-absorbed cunt.  What was really interesting to me is that my amount of email subscribers and haters seems to be about the same!  I think there's a connection there, folks...

Question 4: Do you feel that Kpopalypse has a holier-than-thou persona?

surq04

Most people thought that I had a holier-than-thou persona but many were able to look past it because they felt it was also stupid enough to get a giggle out of.  About a quarter of readers suspected that I may not have a holier-than-thou persona due to the large amounts of self-deprecation in my writing... could they be onto something?  I'm too holier-than-thou to give you the answer, plus too self-deprecating to be bothered trying to lift up my shitty reputation as someone who is holier-than-thou, so let's move on to...

Question 5: Do you think Jisoo from Lovelyz is really a delinquent who did all the 27 things people are accusing her of?

surq05

Just over 15% of respondents thought that Jisoo was a rapist and a blackmailer and an animal abuser and a delinquent and a sasaeng and a bully and a buttplug-inserter, the rest of you either think it's all a transparent character-assassination attempt, or you just filed all those articles in your fap bookmark folder for later use and didn't really read them.

Question 6: Rate this anonymous comment directed at Kpopalypse: "Get a life you pathetic piece of shit, you're here all day wasting your life on doing this pathetic garbage.  Does it turn you on to act like a child on the Internet?"

surq06

Never mind that the answer to the anon's question is an obvious "yes", I probably skewed the results here because I associated each response with a catchy Kpopalypse lexicon phrase.  Also, the original person who told me this also told me to kill myself but I left that part out of the question because I was worried that it may have triggered some kind of filtering that shut the survey down completely.  Still the results show a clear indication that my haters are marked by a difference in determination levels.

Question 7: Your favourite sexy girl group concept of 2014 - disregard music, judge on visuals only.  Tick all that apply.

surq07

I fucked up here - I actually meant to put in Hyosung instead of Jieun, quite a few of you noticed that and pointed it out in other question responses.  I blame "Good Night Kiss" for being such a completely forgettable song that I actually managed to get it mixed up with Jieun's songs.  I also forgot EXID and maybe some others but oh well.  Anyway regardless AOA scored an easy victory here (with "Like A Cat" fresh in people's memory they may have had an advantage), and Spica-S fared the worst, a group so irretrievably destined for nugudom that even sexy concepts can't help them.

Question 8: If you don't like sexy concepts in k-pop, why not?  If you do like them feel free to skip this question, or put an amusing anecdote about a sexual experience that you had while fapping to sexy concepts.

Quite a few of you responded with "I'm female" but I consider that dodging the question as I know that you ladies fap too.  Ultimately though, I didn't give a shit about what you think of sexy concepts, I just wanted some funny fap stories to repost here.  So here are some:
I was watching Stellar touch each other and legit shot to the ceiling. It was difficult to sneak the step ladder all the way upstairs from the garage to clean it.
I make my boyfriend fuck me to sexy concept songs even though he hates Kpop, I think that his discomfort of hearing girl voices while we fuck turns me on
Girlfriend walked in on me cos she forgot her shirt in shower n let's just say she lost determination to keep me sexually frustrated cos obviously it ain't working.
I was once going through my folder of female idol boob appreciation pics and gifs (lots of which I have thanks to you), when my dad came back from the market. Of course I didn't hear him sneaking up behind me. When he saw what I was looking at, he was so happy, yelling "Oh thank God you're a lesbian, I won't have to give you up to some boy. I don't trust today's generation of boys." Since, I did not have the heart to come out as straight with just a fascination for sexy female bodies to my Dad.
I once masturbated to a pixelated gif of Key eating a popsicle. It went swimmingly.
I like sexy concepts. Butthurt netizens bitching about them is pretty amusing. I was fapping to the Korean version MV of Hot Summer (the Japanese version is a decent fap too), with my main focus for the fap being Victoria that particular time. I like to vary my fap focus a lot because I like variety and that's why you fap to kpop, right? Even one decent group has those different tastes for different moods and sexual tastes, and you can multiply that by however many groups you like to fap to. I think it's great, and I'm really glad I was introduced to kpop for this reason. The music is good too, but for me personally it was my fap life and sexual fantasies that benefited the most from kpop. But I digress. So, I was in the mood for some umma lovin' and was primarily fapping to Victoria while I watched Hot Summer. She was so fine and I was just about to climax, then suddenly fucking Amber's rap part started and I got a dreadfully long closeup of her man face while I jizz all over my keyboard, unable to aim properly from the shock. As I lay panting in my post-orgasm depression, I thought dark thoughts of how I can get my revenge. To this day I still fear and hate Amber. Afterwards I visited Kpopalypse Hyung's ask.fm and told him briefly about this experience and asked him if he had lived through a similar horror. He said that he got an idea for a blog post from my question. I expect it fondly.
once i fapped thrice in one day to the same gif.
To that last anon, that GIF must have been good.  Maybe you should share.

Question 9: What's Sulli's favourite activity?

surq09 

Most people (50.9%) picked nightclubbing as Sulli's favourite activity, and a sizeable chunk of you felt that she wants nothing more than to iron Choiza's shirts.  Less than 1/8th of respondents felt that Sulli would prefer to be performing in f(x).

Question 10: I get the most positive feedback from my music industry posts, but the most web traffic from my fap posts.  Why do you think this is?

surq10

Perhaps all valid theories, but the most popular one was that people return to fap to the same images multiple times.  Noted!  I guess that means I'd better put another Eunjung GIF here.


Question 11: Which one of the following attractive women would you like to see a Kpopalypse article about?  Tick all that apply.

surq11

Youngji walked away with this one.  This of course doesn't guarantee that you're going to get an article, just that I now know stuff that I previously didn't know so I can customise content to suit (whatever that means).  Park Jimin wasn't popular so Jimin if you're reading feel free to drop down to Adelaide and I will calmly accept you for a date with some ice cream and a hug.

Question 12: Rate this hate-comment about Kpopalypse. "He's over 30 years old?  Wow, that makes his blog so much more pathetic and embarrasing than it already was."

surq12

This was almost neck-in-neck but the cao ni mas won the day.  Thanks to whatever douchenoz originally said this on Netizenbuzz (can't remember exactly where the original comment lives but who cares), coming up with these questions isn't easy.

Question 13: Rate the following k-pop intro/breakdown lyrics in terms of iconic status.

surq13

The iconic power of JYP emerged as the clear leader despite him not having said his own name at the start of a recording for the entirety of 2014.  In the meantime nobody gave a fuck about Hi Suhyun, or maybe you were all just trying to blot that song's existence out of your brain.

Question 14: What did you think of the Sorasora uniforms worn by Pritz?  Not all answers are mutually exclusive so tick all that apply.


surq14

Most people didn't care that much, probably a healthy reaction.  A lot of you thought the trolling was amusing, the rest of the options got a roughly equal response, with Nazi fappers scoring lowest of all.  Somehow I doubt this is true and you're all just too ashamed to admit that you jerk it to girls in cute sexy Nazi dresses.

pritz021

They're so adorable, nervously clutching their microphones, I don't mind admitting that my genitals did the Hitler salute over this look.  All my sperm had a "white race" to see which one could make it out of my dick the fastest.

Question 15: Important sexual experience question of important importance!

surq15

I wanted to know about how much sexual experience you guys and girls had because I was wondering what sort of sexual experience levels I should be pitching my more explicit writing to.  If I talk about a "dirty sanchez" or "felching" in a fanfic will I be understood?  Would a breakdown of Seungri's lovemaking techniques be useful?  The results of this survey question make me think that maybe I need to give you guys some assistance in the basics first before we progress to the advanced levels.

Question 16: List your five favourite k-pop groups or soloists, or if you can't decide exactly, just five that you really like.

Always good to know what people listen to and like.  Because this is a free text question I don't have a sexy pie chart for it, but just from scrolling down the list quickly the names I saw the most were T-ara, AOA, Girl's Day, Orange Caramel, Dal Shabet, SNSD, f(x), 2NE1, and quite a few nugus especially BESTie and Mamamoo who you all felt were being horribly neglected or something.  As for guy groups BigBang and SHINee headed the list, Block B, Beast, Infinite, U-Kiss and EXO were also popular choices.  Nugu guy groups mostly didn't make the list at all, apart from BTS who were quite a popular pick, although a few k-hiphoppers crept in.

Question 17: What type of content offends you, the reader?

surq17

Hopefully this question wasn't too offensive for you.  But don't worry - Kpopalypse will never be insensitive to Raina fans!

Question 18: Tell a joke!  Win a prize!

Here's the best one-liner jokes:
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
Have u heard of the movie called "Constipation".. No, cause it hasn't been released yet.  (multiple people had this joke)
How come Barbie never got pregnant? Because Ken always came in another box.
What do you call a black man flying a plane?  A pilot, you racist!
What's the hardest thing for a Paedophile to do? Fit in.
How can you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints
Q. Why did Sara fall off the swing? A. She didn't have any arms. Q: Knock Knock Who's there? A: Not Sara.
....but most of you didn't have any jokes at all and just said you weren't good at jokes.  Or, you had some meta jokes like "Kpopalypse", "this survey", "[insert artists you don't like here]'s career/sales/chart performance" etc.  The most popular meta-response was actually "CL" so in the spirit of CL here's a completely groan-worthy but nevertheless impressively original k-pop themed joke:
Rainbow walks into a bar. After waiting 3 hours they angrily storm out and run into After School on the street who happened to be just heading into the very same location. "Do NOT go into that bar," they warned the AS girls, gnashing their teeth." They have shit ass service and no one's buying us drinks." After School were dubious but decided to send in Orange Caramel to double check. After 15 mins they came out wasted as fuck with multiple phones numbers. "WTF." Rainbow wailed. "This doesn't make sense. Let's go back in." They barged into the bar and screamed angrily at the bartender. "WHY THE FUCK ARE THOSE BITCHES GETTING SERVICE AND WE'RE NOT. WE'VE BEEN HANGING AROUND HERE FOR JUST AS LONG AS THEY HAVE" The bartender laughs. "Oh haha. I didn't see you guys at all. I guess rainbows are only visible after rain(a)."
I'll let you decide whether it's bad meaning bad or bad meaning good.

No I wasn't collecting your addresses for nefarious purposes, but unfortunately nobody had a funny joke AND an address.  I might send out a prize or two anyway just because I can.  Also I just want to take a moment to acknowledge all those of you who wrote massive long jokes that gave me a laugh but that didn't make the cut for this post.  Yes I do read every single response, your effort isn't wasted!

Oh and to the person who mentioned a certain phone interview that they did a few years ago... you know who you are.  I'm interested!  I couldn't find your email, so please get in touch.

Question 19: Choose from three meaningless options.

Most of you picked the second option, followed by the third, then the first.  Human psychology revealed!

Question 20: What k-pop sites do you visit?

surq20

Pretty much what I expected, but it's good to have some confirmation.  Note that the percentages on the right aren't a true reflection of the stats so ignore them, the survey calculator has some funny math with multi-choice questions like this.

Question 21: Were there any that I missed?  Name them.

I added this question because I knew that I would miss tons of good sites, I put together the above list at 2am when I was really in the mood for a big runny dump and I didn't really have my mind on the job so I thought "fuck it that'll do".  Also now I get to compile a list of lesser-known but quality sites that you can click on and therefore I do a favour to some folks who could use some of my web traffic.  Here's the main ones you guys mentioned:

kpopkfans - comment translator site, like NB minus T-ara hate
fiddle.se - HQ GIFs
grey-nim - HQ GIFs
Reddit/kpopfap -  assorted fap
k2nblog - download site
siesdestino.com -  Spanish site
Enlarge your kpop - French site, amazing PS work
vk.com/korea_wings - Russian site
isaymyeolchi - Greek site
The One Shots - articles, cao ni ma content
kboost - articles
Critical kpop - articles
Hello kpop - articles
jrekml - v-logger
Yellow Slug reviews - articles, reviews, also writes for Asian Junkie
kpopselca - selcas
fuckyeah k-pop porn - assorted fap
perving on female kpop - assorted fap
The Fany Pack - articles, also writes for Anti Kpop-Fangirl
NEOgaf - not even sure what this is, but lots of content
soshified - SNSD fansite
knetizone - comment translator site
Asian fanfics - fanfiction site

Question 22: List your favourite nugus of 2014.  If you don't have any favourite nugus of 2014 use this space to whine about how there are too many new groups these days making songs to entertain you and enhance your life

surq22

Most people had the right attitude which was good to see.

Most common female nugus were Purfles, Minx, 4Ladies, Mamamoo, Lipservice, A.KOR, Pritz, Badkiz.  Most popular male nugus were GOT7, HIGH4, ZPZG, K-Much, B.I.G, Hotshot, JJCC.

Question 23: Would you like to see the Kpopalypse Nugu Alert series continue though 2015?

surq23

The reason why I asked this question is that the Nugu Alert series is consistently the least popular of all the different types of post that I do.  I was curious whether people were getting value out of this content.  It seems that the answer is yes so it will continue.... although if the answer was no I might've continued it anyway just for a laugh.  Expect more nugus fondly in 2015!

Question 24: for how long did you think that the picture of Eunjung that's used as a header on my website/ask.fm/Twitter was actually a picture of me?

surq24

About two thirds of you knew what was up, as for the rest I guess it just goes to show how easy it is to fool people even when making no special effort to do so... although I reckon most of you who clicked the last option probably did so for the lulz.

Question 25: do you own physical copies of k-pop albums?

Most of you said no.  About 40% of you own a few of just your faves and only about 5% of you are rabid collectors.

Question 26: Rate this criticial comment in response to my blogging.  "Kpop blogs are to entertainment journalism what 50 Shades Of Grey was to novel writing; self-indulgent fanfiction based upon a barely legitimate story. It's not just the Kpop blogs and their wannabe writers that I have no time for - the fourth estate is dying. Everyone would rather read this kind of unprofessionally written trash and just subscribe to whatever opinion they are peddling rather than get an impartial run-down and come to their own conclusions. This is how 10 years later, complete morons get elected to run countries - because half-assed media tells everyone what their opinion is and everyone has become too damn lazy because they aren't being challenged to think for themselves by impartial journalism any more." 

surq26

The original comment is one that I've linked before in previous posts, and of course the source is that great bastion of integrity in journalism, Allkpop.  According to the logic of this comment, it's my fault that Tony Abbott got elected.  I'm sorry, Australia - I will reflect and return with a more mature image.

Question 27: Is it okay for Zico to call someone a faggot bitch?  Not all answers are mutually exclusive so tick all that apply.

surq27

The results were mostly pretty even here, but many of you ultimately decided that Zico wasn't a card-carrying racist fuckwit, just a typical teenage douchebag (except he's 22 at time of writing).

Question 28: Your preferred subject of the next original (not a sequel) Kpopalypse fanfic?

surq28

SNSD just scraped through into the lead, facing down stiff competition from AOA vs T-ara jelly wrestling.  Of course, just because something got voted highly doesn't mean that it will happen and my fanfiction tends to thrive on the unexpected... so we'll see.  The next original fanfic could be any one of these, or something else entirely.  But you ARE getting a Project Luhan part 3, eventually.

Question 29: If Kpopalypse had a fanmeeting in Adelaide, would you go?

Out of 850-900 respondents I've got 15 people going!  I don't know when/where/if this meeting will ever happen so no promises but if it does I will post about it.

Question 30: Thanks for doing the survey!  Any further thoughts, add below!

Some responses to thoughts:
  • Quite a few people mentioned enjoying my writing but feeling a bit excluded because they were female.  I guess that's understandable as I do write from a heterosexual male point of view, but I can't really help that I'm afraid.  Now you know how I feel whenever I read 90% of k-pop content on the Internet ever.
  • The Little PSY with the brain tumour isn't the same Little PSY who did "Show Time".
  • Yes, in every survey response you could in fact tick all of the responses if you wanted.  Which is exactly the same as not doing the survey at all.  Save your mouse finger next time!
  • Some people wanted more surveys, some wanted less.  But be aware that for every survey I do I also do a big long-ass results post like this and these posts take forever, so don't expect more than one really big survey per year... or two at most.  You may get mini-surveys on pertinent topics of interest though.
  • Someone asked me if I would do a 2015 predictions post - you must have missed this one.
  • Yes nobody lives in Adelaide but me and about 15 others.  It's nice though, especially if you enjoy the challenge when the weather and the wildlife tries to kill you.
  • Any comments positive or negative about Anti Kpop-Fangirl or Asian Junkie, not much point telling me about it.  I don't have any say in how those sites are run, I'm just one of many different writers with many different opinions that they kindly allow to publish there from time to time.  Give any feedback directly to the site owners.
  • Red Light Mission Part 3 (the collaborative fic between me and AKF) hasn't been forgotten.  But when part 3 will be done, I don't know.
  • I'm not done with 2014 yet!  Best and worst lists of 2014 is coming and will be published on Jan 1st and not a minute before (although it'll probably hit most countries sooner due to timezone variations), as is Christmas roundup list, and some other pointless lists and other bullshit in the meantime for cheap clickbait and fap purposes.  Hey at least I'm honest about it.
That's all for now!  Kpopalypse will return with more posts soon!  Expect them fondly!

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Kpopalypse and AKF's Red Light Mission - Part Three

December 13, 2014, 4:40 am
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It's Kpopalypse here with the return of Red Light Mission!  This is the third and definitely the final chapter of the collaborative AKF/Kpopalypse fanfic!  As AKF is busier than ever we're wrapping this series up, and as usual both of us have contributed to the story.  It's up to you to guess who did what.  Enjoy!


NOTE: for those of you coming to this series late, read the first two parts before you get started here or this third part will make no fucking sense at all!  Click here for part 1 and click here for part 2.



Lee Soo Man chuckled maniacally while waving his gun in the air. Kpopalypse and AKF looked at each other, they knew it was only a matter of time before he started shooting again. They seized the opportunity and ran out of the building before Lee Soo Man realised what was happening.

“What now?” asked Kpopalypse, as they sprinted out of the building foyer and across the street.

“I don't know. Let's get back to the f(x) girls, maybe they have some ideas.”

Having been given the key to f(x)'s dorms and instructions to report back once the stylist was dead, the two sprinted over to f(x)'s dorm building and let themselves inside the rear entrance. It was dark inside as AKF fumbled for a light switch. All of a sudden automatic motion-sensing lights turned on, revealing the members of f(x) sleeping in two separate double bunk beds. 

“Oh shit!” cried Krystal from one of the top bunks as she sat up and put her hand over her eyes to block the light.

“It's too bright! We're trying to fucking sleep here!” complained Victoria, ducking her head under the covers of the bunk below.

“CAO NI MA!” yelled Sulli, thrusting her head deep into the pillow. Luna lay beside her in the same bed, sleeping soundly. 

“Hey, we're sorry, didn't mean to wake you. But we're here to report on our mission.” said Kpopalypse.

“Yeah... there's good news and there's bad news.” added AKF.

“Well, you're here now, let's hear it” said Amber, sitting up slowly, the only member of the group not either asleep or avoiding the light.

AKF sighed. “We completed our mission, the stylist is dead. However, there's just one small problem.”

“Oh, what's that?” asked Amber.

AKF continued. “That stylist was writing all your best material. Because she's now dead, Lee Soo Man is going to use Brave Brothers for all your songwriting needs from now on.” 

Instantly, Krystal, Sulli and Victoria all looked up from their bunks and stared at AKF and Kpopalypse with daggers in their eyes.

Kpopalypse whispered to AKF “I think our chances of getting laid just went out the window.”

AKF grimaced. “Well, there goes my reason to live. If I don't get to bang Victoria I might as well just give up on life.”

“Me too. Knowing that I got to jizz on Sulli and throw her a towel would be the only way I could ever go back to crappy Australia with Tony Abbott in charge and survive without killing myself.”

After a pause, Krystal sat up in the bunk. “I've figured it out... I know what this is.”

“What is it?” asked Sulli, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

“A fucking set-up. It was my cuntfaced sister who gave me the idea to hit our stylist.”

“You mean Jessicunt?” asked Sulli.

Krystal nodded. “Yeah, Jessica Jawshave. Fuck, how could I be so stupid and not have seen it until now. She's always been scheming to keep SNSD as the #1 girl group and to keep us down.”

“We should really kill not just her but all of those SNSD sluts. I hate them even more than I hate Luna.” Sulli poked Luna in the back with her elbow deliberately as she said this. Luna did not stir.  “Look at this fucking disgusting whore, sleeps like a fucking log. I swear I'll piss on her head if she doesn't wake up soon.”

Victoria groaned “please don't do that again - last time that stunk out the whole dorm.”

“I just want fucking revenge on Jessicunt. That mole-patrol, I want to squeeze her throat myself, and hear her gasp 'Gee gee gee, oh oh oh' or however that stupid song goes.”

“We can't do that, Sulli. We're celebs, we can't get blood on our hands.” said Victoria.

“Well then, it's good that we've got two people in this room who owe us a great huge fucking debt, isn't it!” Sulli turned and glared at AKF and Kpopalypse.

Kpopalypse and AKF looked at each other. Was it worth it? Was it worth putting themselves in potential danger one more time, to right the wrongs of SM Entertainment? They then both looked at Sulli and Victoria, in bed, in their nightclothes. Yes it was.

"Excuse us for a moment," said AKF as he motioned for Kpopalypse to follow him out into the hallway. "We need to discuss our options in private before we get back to you girls."

"Man, what the fuck is there to even talk about?!" asked Kpopalypse in an alarmed manner. He wasn't going to allow AKF to ruin his one and only opportunity to pee in Sulli's butt. 

AKF motioned for Kpopalypse to follow him out to the hallway again before Kpopalypse ruined his plan. Kpopalypse reluctantly followed AKF, but figured he had a good reason if AKF wasn't using this opportunity to try and bang Victoria.

Once outside the hallway with the door closed, AKF looked at Kpopalypse in the eyes. "I have an awesome idea, and I think that you'll be on board."

"Well, it better be fucking sweet because I could be jizzing on Sulli's face right now," sighed Kpopalypse.

"Yes, it is pretty fucking awesome, so keep your raging boner intact," responded AKF. "Okay, so my plan is to agree with f(x) to help them out. We will still bargain to bang them."

"So why the fuck are we even discussing this?!" asked Kpopalypse.

"UCAAD, stop thinking with your penis for one second and just think. We can act as double agents. That means you'll get to bang Sunny and I'll get to bang Jessica. Then we betray them and come back and you can bang Sulli and I can bang Victoria. It's a win/win situation right there," answered AKF.

"But we will need an excuse once we go back in as to why we even deliberated this decision," said Kpopalypse.

"Well, I can ask Victoria to use her Chinese black magic to restore my penis," said AKF.

"And I just know what exactly I need for the upcoming mission," stated Kpopalypse as both of them re-entered the room.

“Well, are you guys in?” asked Amber.

“Yes we'll do it.... under one condition.” said Kpopalypse.

“We get to bang Victoria and Sulli”, added AKF.

“No way! You guys are the ones who owe us!” exclaimed Victoria, horrified.

“This isn't fair! I'm not letting that creepy skinhead-looking guy touch me with his knob!” cried Sulli.

“Well, then...” said AKF “... if that's the way it is, I guess we'll just be seeing ourselves out...”

“NO!” exclaimed Victoria and Sulli together.

Sulli grimaced. “This is blackmail, you dirty cao ni mas! Why can't you just take Luna instead? Shell do it for sure.” Sulli looked down at Luna, still sleeping. “She's such a dirty whore you could probably double-penetrate her right now without even waking her up.”

Kpopalypse shrugged. “Sorry, we're not really into Luna.”

AKF stood firm. “Take it or leave it, we're putting our lives on the line here. I think that's worth a blowjob at least.”

Victoria sighed, and looked at Amber. 

“These guys are going to lay down their lives for you. You'll only have to do it once. Plus, you'll be rid of Jessica's scheming forever after that. The offer's really not that bad.” said Amber.

Another sigh from Sulli. “Well... alright then. Just be gentle, okay?”

“Don't worry, I brought the lube.” Kpopalypse took a bottle of lube out of his pocket and showed it to AKF. “This is what I was talking about earlier.” 



AKF looked at the lube bottle. “Where did you get that?”

“Oh some Blackjack gave it to me at the airport.” Kpopalypse pulled down his pants, popped the top of the lube bottle and applied the clear substance liberally to his genitals, then immediately fell to the floor and started screaming.

“What the fuck is this shit, Kpopalypse?” AKF yelled.

“It's supposed to be lubricant! That's what she said!” cried Kpopalypse in between gasps of pain as the gelatinous liquid burned his nether-regions.
“You trusted a Blackjack? You idiot!”

“I guess this lubricant is... bad meaning bad...” were Kpopalypse's last words as black smoke poured from between his legs and the corrosion spread to the rest of his body, burning it to a crisp. AKF and all the members of f(x), including Luna who just woke up from all the screaming, looked on helpless to intervene as Kpopalypse's body quickly transformed into a pile of smouldering ashes.

“Phew... that gets me off the hook!” smiled Sulli.

“Never mind sex for now, I'll take care of that later. Right now I'm really ready to murder someone!” growled AKF.

“Great! Take this!” Amber walked over to AKF and handed him a map and a telephone.

Victoria looked deep into AKF's eyes. “All the members of SNSD are having a fan meet at the auditorium right now, the same one we were in. They'll be done in about two hours, at which point they'll exit through the rear staircase, from there it's about a 30 second walk to get to their waiting vehicle. There's a book depository behind the auditorium, the map will show you where to go, if you go up to the third floor, we've left a rifle and some ammunition for you. It's got the perfect angle on the staircase, the girls will be easy pickings.”

“Aim Jessicunt first.” added Sulli.

Suddenly, triggered by Kpopalypse's charred corpse, the building fire alarm started screeching, and water from the automated fire sprinklers shot through the room.

“What the hell is even going on?” screamed Luna.

“You're a cunt, that's what's going on. Shut up, slut.” replied Sulli.

Krystal covered herself from the water with her pillow. “Fuck! Get out of here before the staff come! Good luck!”. AKF nodded.

“We'll be in touch! Keep the phone handy!” yelled Victoria after AKF as he hastily retreated from the building, into the night. 

-

AKF walked towards the auditorium, then unfolded the map and inspected it.



“Seems clear enough.” he thought. He walked around the rear of the auditorium and across the street to the large book depository. “Who uses book depositories anymore, surely it's all iPhones and e-readers by now... speaking of which, I should probably check that phone I was given.” AKF took the phone out and examined it. One new message:



Feeling confident, AKF strolled into the book depository. The receptionist gave him a sky nod as he walked across the foyer to the lifts, took the elevator to the third floor, then found the tiny room at the end of the hall. He looked out – the view across the street to the rear of the auditorium was indeed excellent, it would be almost impossible to miss with his finely-honed aiming skills. But where was the gun? He checked his phone, which gave further instructions, and replied accordingly.



By 11:59 PM AKF was positioned by the window, sniper rifle in hand fully loaded with high-caliber ammunition, eyes trained through the scope onto the stairwell across the street. He didn't have to wait long. Just after midnight, the backstage exit door opened, and the members of Girls' Generation started leaving the building in single file. The girls were clearly tired and walking slowly, they would be easy marks for AKF's superior American gun-handling skills. 

AKF lined up Jessica's head in his sights and squeezed the trigger. The gun loudly recoiled as the bullet sailed across the street and met its mark – a perfect headshot. Jessica collapsed to the ground. Lots of screaming from the girls, all their voices clearly audible due to the lack of traffic at the rear of the building.

“Aaaaaahhhhh! What was that?” screamed Taeyeon. 0.25 seconds later a fan viewing the incident from the auditorium's CCTV system posted on OneHallyu's vocal thread that she screamed at an E5 with exceptional resonance.

“Ducking for cover is my best friend, is ducking for cover your best friend?” yelled a panicked Tiffany.

“I should have put more points into agility last time I levelled”, remarked Hyoyeon.

The remaining girls all ducked down, meanwhile, Jessica got up. “Ow! That really hurt!” she said, dislodging the bullet calmly from her jaw with her index fingernail, her face undamaged.  She looked down at her dress.  "Damn it's a bit torn... we get such crappy things to wear, I've really got to get that fashion label up and running soon..."

“I can't believe it...” AKF said to himself. He quickly lined up for another shot, this time on Hyoyeon. “I'll do the world a favour and kill this ugzilla”, he muttered, lining up his sights. AKF squeezed the trigger and the bullet few across the street, hitting Hyoyeon right between the eyes... and falling harmlessly to the ground. Hyoyeon stared down at the bullet on the conrete. What was going on?  Was Hyoyeon's tough orcish hide so thick that the bullet would not penetrate?  But how does that explain Jessica?  AKF checked his phone – new messages.



Detecting the light of the phone through the window, Hyoyeon stared up and pointed. “There! It's a sniper!”

“Fuck, I've been spotted! They'll kill me! Time to end it all!” AKF quickly dumped the now obviously useless rifle, grabbed the C4 from underneath the couch cushions and ran out of the building, and across the street. Seeing the girls scrambling to enter their waiting vehicle and drive off, he ran towards him, ready to detonate.

Just then a blinding flash of white light appeared. It was Kpopalypse! AKF was stopped in his tracks by an unseen force.

“With my newfound heavenly widsom, I instruct you that this is not the way” Kpopalypse gently intoned.

AKF looked up at the floating figure of Kpopalypse, confused. “Wait, they let you into heaven? YOU?”

“My religion came through for me. I've been busy getting blowjobs from Raina ever since I died, it's great! But I can't let you kill SNSD, as this would mean destroying Sunny who has some of the nicest boobs in k-pop and destroying nice boobs is against “Worship Raina You Fucking Whores”, the book of Rainaism.”

AKF noticed SNSD had now all entered their vehicle and were speeding off into the distance. “That's easy for you to say – you're getting blowjobs from your bias, I'm not. Out of my way.”

“There is another way” Kpopalypse continued. “Across the street from the book depository is Brave Brothers' new studio. They're busy right now writing f(x)'s new comeback song. If you destroy that, it won't matter whether SNSD live or die.”

“Okay... good point” said AKF. Kpopalypse vanished into thin air as quickly as he appeared. AKF charged in the opposite direction, through to the building on the other side of the street and entered it. He ran through the foyer directly into the studio control room. There was a man sitting in front of a microphone talking in time to a beat.

“Yes! It's f(x)... and Brave Sound... with SM Entertainment! Another collaboration! Oh yeah! Let's go girls!” he pronounced in an accent with record-label approved levels of k-pop swag-lite. He was clearly recording overdubs on the new f(x) material. “Time to stop this forever” thought AKF.

“Collaborate this, you talentless hack!” AKF said as he threw the C4 into the studio control room and pressed the detonator. The entire ground floor exploded and then the upper stories collapsed, burying AKF, Bravesound and everyone else inside in a pile of rubble.

-

The members of f(x) stared into the quarry yard, at the monument sitting on a barren hill.

“So... what do you think of it? Good?” the yard owner said.

Amber nodded in agreement. “Ever since Bravesound was destroyed, our careers have just gone through the roof. Meanwhile SNSD has really plumetted, serves them right for messing with us like that. We owe AKF and Kpopalypse a lot for bravely sacrificing their lives and getting our careers back on track.”

“It's definitely a touching tribute, that's for sure. I can't wait until next week when we install it in the heart of Gangnam in their honour.” added Victoria.

Krystal nodded. “I think it really captures what I most remember them for.”

“I cried when I heard that they both died” sighed Luna.

“You're such a liar” muttered Sulli. “You barely knew them.”

“I was still touched, though. I was sad.” Luna retorted.

“No you weren't. Lying little cunt. Maybe sad your pussy lips didn't get around their cocks. Why can't you just accept that Kpopalypse biased ME, not YOU?”

“Fucking shut up, mole patrol. Haven't your ten favourite drug-addicted rappers jizzed enough on your head lately? Is your coat losing its sheen?”

Sulli grabbed at Luna's hair and pulled it downward, dragging Luna's face into the dirt. Amber sighed. “Come on, you two, break it up. We've got a fake idol image of perfect happiness to maintain. Pull yourselves together.”

“Shut up, Adrian” said Sulli, while tugging at Luna's bobbed hair by the roots.

 

THE END

Thanks for reading!

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A Pink Is Owning UCAADs On The Music Shows

December 15, 2014, 2:55 pm
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Our lord and savior, Hayoung.
From Soompi, A Pink is destroying everyone on the music shows. This is a good thing because "LUV" is the shit.



Of course, there are some kimchi fuckers who detest A Pink, claiming Shinsadong Tiger ripped off SES's songs while composing A Pink's material.

From this article on the testicular cancer of Kpop:

1. [+266, -95] SES plagiarizers~

2. [+201, -34] Sigh, that pathetic Shinsadong Tiger plagiarizing machine is taking everything, isn't he.
 From this article on the testicular cancer of Kpop:

1. [+365, -156] This group can't go a promotion cycle without plagiarism accusations... Even their new song is an SES plagiarism;;;

2. [+316, -112] From their title track No No No to Luv, Shinsadong Tiger has been plagiarizing everything. Copied Whoz That Girl and this time two SES songs. Shinsadong Tiger keeps talking like he came up with all this shit himself when they're all SES copies in the end. 
These kimchi fucks love making shit up. There is no reason for Shinsadong Tiger to steal songs from SES. SES's catalog of music is equivalent to getting your dick sucked by piranhas.

Chorong's face when these inferior monkeys talk shit about A Pink.
Naeun doesn't give a shit.
Eunji will drop oranges in front of the vehicles that anti-fans drive, killing all of A Pink's haters one bag of oranges at a time.
Namjoo will cut off all of the haters' dicks and titties with her fingers...okay, it took me a while to even find a half-decent picture of Namjoo, so cut me some slack.

For everyone who supports A Pink, Bomi wants you to blow a huge load in her mouth.
A Pink forever, mother fuckers.
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Are YG Stans the Most Persecuted People on the Planet?

December 15, 2014, 6:01 pm
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After the latest proverbial smack to the face, this time courtesy of Skrillex, YG fans have a real argument to be the most persecuted people on the planet. 


They have rightfully spoken out. GD's performance in this has been universally panned while other netizens have pointed out that CL looks really hawt. Yep, that's where we are. YG stans are clinging to CL's looks as the one redeeming factor.

Meanhile, Netizens are asking time important questions such as, "Is GD black?" "Was the song even kpop to begin with?" "Will this hurt CL's US debut?"








If you remember a while back when it was announced that CL was going to debut in the US by spring I made a promise to eat my hat, that's how sure I am that she's going make it big. Well after this bomb I am currently researching which fabrics are the most edible.

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Who would turn down a date with EXID? This guy.

December 17, 2014, 11:28 am
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The guy who recorded the Hani fancam (which is now at 4 million views) was recently invited to a dinner with EXID as well as Shinsadong Tiger but turned it down in order to record other girl group fancams.




Looking through his youtube channel, recording all those fancams is a fulltime job. He has videos uploaded as little as five hours ago. It's probably not out of the question there are multiple people running around Korea delivering to us the freshest fap material on a daily basis.

I feel really conflicted about this. This guy is either the biggest alpha or beta on the planet. Not being able to actually hear how he rejected the invitation I can only imagine if it was either like, "N... No Shinsadong Tiger-kun, I... I have other fancams to film. Maybe another time, please." (*`д´*)  Or if it was like, "Heh... I'm needed elsewhere, don't wait up". (•_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■)

Ultimately I think the real reason is that 떡볶이 and semen simply don't mix. 

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Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 67

December 18, 2014, 9:43 pm
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Hello, FISHies. It has been quite a while hasn't it? My apologies (as per usual) for my leave of absence.  But I will not bore you with excuses. I have a bunch of submissions in my inbox (both e-mails and Asks) to sift through, so be ready for plenty of upcoming STFUs! Maybe even an article or two of my own will pop up =D! Haha, but let's not kid ourselves.

Anyways, back to our regularly scheduled articles.

~*~*~

This week's quote comes from a friend of mine. Who found it. "Found" it. He claims it isn't him. Yeah okay bud. We don't judge here.

Just kidding. We only judge people here. Anyways, now here's 'Wonderwall':



"I keep a dream journal in an attempt to achieve lucid dreams and "virtually" date Nicole. I'm on Day 9 of attempting to have lucid dreams, so far I've had none but I've been failing heavily at doing reality checks. At least my dream recalling ability as improved."

Thank you for your "submission"!

(We all know it was you, man. Don't even try to hide it from me.)

Do you honestly have nothing better to do, fanboy? It must be nice to have that much free time. 

It satisfies me somewhat knowing that he failed at it though. That is probably the same outcome of all his other hopes and dreams.  


If anyone has submissions for future Stupid Things Fangirls Utter, please send them to zomg.oppa.sareanghae@gmail.com, tweet them to @akf_shinbi, ask them at ask.fm/akfshinbi, or leave them in the comment section below. Remember your rights on this site: anything you say or do here can and probably will be used against you. Thank you, FISHies!
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