Hey everyone, it's Kpopalypse back again with more amazing life lessons to share with you lovely readers! After the
stunning success of my
previous life lessons post, it seems that some k-pop fans are still struggling with life's many challenges. Thankfully, Kpopalypse is here to help all you caonimas achieve and succeed at life, this time with a little bit of help from Ailee!
Of course, it's hard to get any k-pop fan to pay attention to anything these days if it doesn't involve watching k-pop MVs, so that's where Ailee comes in! If there's any k-pop idol out there who knows exactly what it's like to get
fucked around by some
cocksmoking assholes it's definitely Ailee, and to this end Ailee has been pretty good about making sure her MV directors insert plenty of important life lessons into her videos to help k-pop fans lead happy, fulfilling lives. Let's take a closer look and see what we can learn!
Super important warning: by necessity this post contains music video plot spoilers. If you haven't seen these videos before and you care deeply about following the stories, I suggest that you watch them before reading my text, just in case you get things spoilered for you and become upset.... hahaha, who am I kidding, nobody is fucking reading this shit. You're all either:
- Playing the videos and fapping to Ailee
- Looking up Ailee's nudes and then fapping to Ailee
- Fapping to Ailee's voice
- Throwing the device you're reading this on across the room in disgust
...so I can pretty much say whatever I want here. Also you might want to keep the volume knob close to hand for your own sanity as these songs vary in quality quite a lot. Anyway let's move onto the videos!
Heaven
To maintain a good relationship with your partner, it's essential to know where the boundaries are set. It's important to understand the other person and cater to their needs and desires, but it's equally vital to allow the other person to express their own individuality by both having your own lives outside of the relationship, not getting too close at times when it isn't appropriate, and giving the other person their breathing room in which they can freely express themselves and be their own person. Relationships which fail to incorporate these important aspects rarely last long!
In "Heaven" we see Ailee with her boyfriend, watching some footage of them on TV. He's clearly not really into it (it's obvious by his expressions and body language) but he's just staring at her. Later on we see Ailee eating, and her boyfriend is staring at her again. He's already finished his meal, yet he won't fucking leave the table and go and do his own thing, instead he obsessively watches her eat, counting every last calorie to make sure she adheres to her strict idol diet. Then in the next scene, she's reading a book and he's talking to her and reading over her shoulder. Ailee does her best to hide her irritation but clearly having her boyfriend hover over her being a jerkstick is bugging the shit out of her. Finally, we see Ailee in bed, and her crappy boyfriend doesn't even go down on her or jack off on her asscheeks or even give her a cuddle or a gentle goodnight kiss on the lips but just leaves her alone - the one time when he
should be doing something proactive, he wanders off into the other room to play Call Of Warcraft or whatever.
The moral lesson is delivered at the end of the video, where Ailee swaps Mr Jerkus out for another upgraded boyfriend, and the ex smiles - he's pleased. Clearly he wanted to be dumped anyway, he was just too chickenshit to say anything, so he just acted like a crappy boyfriend until she finally had a gutful of his cloying neediness and impotence. While that's one way to get dumped he could have saved her a lot of heartache and himself a lot of League of Duty time by just walking the fuck out. Mind you he also could have continued to feel Ailee's boobies
and pursued his dreams of being a pro gamer/oxygen-sponge if he actually stopped being such a nosy cunt prying into her private business right from the beginning.
I Will Show You
In 1978 the song "
I Will Survive" was released by Gloria Gaynor, a single woman's disco anthem all about telling your ex-boyfriend to fuck off when he turns up at your doorstep and wants you back because although it was hard at first you've gotten over him and you realise he's a loser who plays Defence Of The Battlefield all day. Ailee's "I Will Show You" (aka the last song of Ailee's "not complete shit" period) obviously rips off "I Will Survive" musically, with the sad forlorn introduction about missing some douchebag giving away to disco-rockin' female independence. Thematically the songs are similar too, but the video for Ailee's song has an important twist. At the start of "I Will Show You", a very deglamorised, nerdy and yet smoking hot Ailee mopes about because her ex is fucking some new chick. Then the whole "I don't give a fuck about you" Gloria Gaynor routine starts as Ailee transforms into a independent, liberated and somewhat less-hot, tackily dolled-up version of herself who yells and waves her arms a lot. Now that Ailee has uglified herself down to his level, the hapless guy realises he's fucked up and lost his chance at love, so he pursues Ailee his one true soul mate. After she toys with him, ignoring his advances, spitting on him, punching him in the chest and all that fun stuff, eventually she says "fuck it, I've tortured him enough, I think he's got the point now" and takes him back.
The lesson here is that people always want what they can't have, and people always look more desirable when they're unavailable. Unlike the Gloria Gaynor song where she seriously straight-up hates the dude and wants him to get the fuck out for good, Ailee's "independent woman" routine was just a fake-ass act to make him think that she was unattainable and therefore desire and want her back more. Of course once they got back together he'd no doubt be reminded exactly of why he dumped her in the first place (probably all that waiting patiently in the studio lounge while she spent hours overdubbing her own fucking voice 57 times on every song) and they'd probably split up again for good this time, but with any luck he got to
blow his load on her tits Seungri-style a few more times. Use this knowledge to your advantage when you start pining for that ex who was a total cunt to you - he/she is probably still a cunt, but cunts look a lot prettier when you're not directly reminded of all the shit they used to do that pissed you off, like singing Beyonce's ultra-crap "
Crazy In Love" as if it's in any way listenable or worthy of use as anything other than a
torture device.
Singing Got Better
There's a common business expression that's particularly prevalent in the music business - "don't shit where you eat". This expression bothers a lot of
uptight cunts but it's actually very practical and useful advice, and what is translates to for musicians is "don't fuck anybody in your own group". The reason for it is fairly obvious - if the sexual relationship breaks up, the musical relationship will either also break up, or become so
poisoned that it's not worth the
heartache of gritting your teeth and continuing with.
There's another disadvantage of being in a group with your sexual partner, and that is that you have to be around each other all the fucking time. Relationships benefit from a bit of time away from each other to get some perspective, but when you live together AND you work and travel together it's hard to escape - it can all get a bit much unless you're the extremely clingy
lovey-dovey type (and then it's probably going to get too much for the
other person after a while). Too much close proximity can cause you to lose your rational perspective of events.
Ailee isn't behaving particularly rationally in "Singing Got Better", she's clearly losing perspective from overexposure to her creative partner. At the start of the video, Ailee is clearly dressed for her partner's funeral, then we go onto a flashback section where she's working with her boyfriend songwriter. While songwriting, the guy she's with starts eating some fucking slop, after swallowing a mouthful he realises that he is eating pure shit. Ailee however feeling sadistic from too many nights in the touring van putting up with his music taste insists on spoonfeeding him another few doses of gruel, which he
calmly accepts but clearly isn't very happy about, giving obvious fake smiles as he endures it for the good of the signing partnership. Later, he's seeing off a female friend with a polite kiss and as she is leaving Ailee arrives and sees them together. Ailee being all irrational and shit naturally assumes that they're fucking, but actually he was just confiding in her about Ailee's clingyness and weird insistence on treating him like he's two years old with the whole creepy spoonfeeding thing. Ailee gets mad, he tries to explain but she isn't having any of it, she goes nuts and then obviously hires
Way's Girls to take care of the problem. Songwriters, don't become another statistic - friends don't let friends sleep with band members, no matter how hot they are.
Mind Your Own Business
Seemingly inspired about equally by T-ara's iconic
anti-netizen smackdown and Johnny Noh's
morally sketchy piss-poor journalism-lite, "Mind Your Own Business" is pure revenge fantasy. Kicking off with some maudlin bedroom scenes showing Ailee crying over Allkpop's lost journalistic integrity, we move onto a scene where her picture-leaking ex-boyfriend is cornered in a parking lot by some Way's Girls subordinates who proceed to vandalise his fuel-efficient economical SUV thus deducting several points from
Allkpop's environmental credentials. Devastated by this loss to his reputation, the man calls the attention of the local constabulary who quickly detain the vandals in some stylish prison uniforms, while the murderous Ailee makes a gesture indicating that she will kick his ass when she gets out. Security at the prison is craptacular, so the girls escape and trash
Daniel Lee's bedroom. He walks in and Ailee burns the last remaining topless photo and then subjects Daniel to some genital violence, because if there's one thing that always makes everything okay, it's violating someone's private parts. The score now settled, the video ends.
When the Ailee nude photo leak happened, lots of people piped up with statements to the effect of "well she was stupid to pose for nude photos in the first place", but when it's your boyfriend for his "private collection" there's a certain level of trust there that you don't expect to see broken (and a big
fuck you to all the guys out there who do break that trust, because you're the reason why I can't get any of my smart, streetwise girlfriends to pose nude for any photos that I take - goddamnit). Of course she should have known that he was connected to Allkpop but you've got to remember that Allkpop was once a
fine morally upstanding site so there's no way she would have suspected such a thing to happen. What's also worth knowing is that nude picture scams are quite common in the modelling industry generally and scammers will prey on young hopefuls, dangling the carrot of paid employment in exchange for a few "sample pictures",
click here for details on how such a scam actually happens. Pictures often just get kept for fap purposes but can in some cases be on-sold to porn sites, used in banner ads etc, you never know where they end up, and of course once it's on the Internet it's there forever somewhere, there's no getting rid of it. What happened to Ailee has probably happened to someone you know personally who is just too terrified or embarrassed to say anything. Don't get caught by sneaky picture scammers because not only can you not turn back the clock but when you get busted exacting revenge most prisons you get sent to afterward are slightly higher security and have somewhat more attentive guards than the one in Ailee's MV.
Insane
Ailee's latest video at the time of writing, "Insane" is one of those "one take" videos that k-pop are so fond of, although it's not really one take because like most videos of this nature the director uses quick panning transitions to cheat the eye. During the video, Ailee is sleeping in bed when some pervert comes along and tries to take a look at her in her underwear. Disappointed to find out that she sleeps with a substantial amount of clothes on, the guy then spends the next three and a half minutes trying to escape the scene as Ailee chases him around a series of rooms, trying to disorientate him and wear him down with confusing movements and horrible balladeering. These sophisticated self-defense techniques work well - the man is no match for Ailee, eventually he decides he's had enough and he closes the door on her, deciding that he'll try Gain's room down the hall (classy-sexy sequel coming soon courtesy of Mystic89).
While the self-defense techniques used in this video are advanced and shouldn't be tried by anyone not able to produce unpleasant ear-piercing caterwauling and erratic, confusing dance moves as effectively as Ailee, there's something to be said for women learning basic self-defense skills. Self-defense isn't trendy for women at the moment, the prevailing politically correct attitude being "men should shape up their behaviour, women shouldn't
have to defend themselves" and that may even be true but until we live in fucking
Disneyland there are going to be
creeps out there so it's good to
know how to deal with them. If you get really good you can even learn advanced moves like how to kick Daniel Lee in the nutsack.
Anyway that's it for this blog post and hopefully you were all entertained and educated by these amazing life lessons!
