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Saturday Shitfest #32

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AKF couldn't be here to make this regularly scheduled Saturday Shitfest, so I'm filling in today.

Please enjoy Stellar's teaser MV here. It's for their upcoming comeback, "Sting."




The teaser's giving me really strong "Marionette" flashbacks. Look, I like "Marionette." That song is one of two of their songs I enjoy (the other being "Vibrato"), but I hope the full version of "Sting" doesn't sound so much like it.


Good song, but no twinsies, please



So yeah, if you have any random kpop musings, leave them in the comments below.

The Art Of Thoughts by Chou Tzuyu

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It's the return of Kpopalypse fanfiction!  Please enjoy the following story!

tzuyuhead



Picture this.

You're a 13-year old female k-pop fan living in Seoul who really loves [k-pop group x] and you also strongly believe in [social issue y]. Life is basically good, or at least as good as it gets for a young person with no freedom.  Your belief in [social issue y] helps you put life into perspective and gives you something to care about, and your love of [k-pop group x] gets you through the hard, boring times of school days, dull repetitive homework, and doing what your parents tell you to do.  You're bright, but not a great achiever at school, however nor are you a failure.  Your report cards consistently come back with the comment that you are very smart and have a lot of unrealised potential, but that you lack effort - but that you could be great if you really tried.  You don't really care to do more than coast along at school however (unless it's a rare subject you enjoy) - as you grind away at classes, instead of work you think about the weekends - sports, playing computer games, and listening to [k-pop group x] at loud parent-masking volume.  Somewhere in the back of your mind, you dream of better days with more independence, and the freedom of adulthood, going to see [k-pop group x] in the flesh and maybe one day even making a difference regarding [social issue y].

Not everybody you know likes [k-pop group x] or [social issue y], and sometimes you have debates in the schoolyard about it. There's one annoying fuck in your class who always gets on your case about it.  One day you're sitting in class, waiting for the teacher who is running late.

"HEY!" shouts the annoying fucking fuckface from the desk behind you.

"What?" you reply, turning around in your school chair, unwittingly sowing the seed of a lower back problem that will probably make the last 20 years of your life a living hell.

"[k-pop group x] FUCKING SUCKS, YOU [word that mocks social issue y]!" smirks your "friend", the amazing fucking fuck from hell, as he throws a pencil eraser at your head.

"Hey, I don't care - you don't have to like it.  You can't talk anyway, you like [k-pop group z], they're a bunch of morons."  The eraser bounces off your head and lands on the floor.  You swiftly pick it up - Fuckbrain is not getting it back without a fight.

"They ARE NOT!" complains the basic fucknugget.

You smile.  Mr. Fuck has taken the bait.  "Sure they are.  They're stupid just like you.  I bet they don't even know about [social issue y]."

"[social issue y] is for [word that mocks social issue y]!" he screams at you.

"Is it?  Debate me, right now - let's go."

The fuckstain barely even properly understands what [social issue y] is, because he really is that fucking dumb, so he shuts up.  Victory.  No need to hold a grudge - you hand the eraser back to him, making the point to do so ever-so-politely.  He has just enough time to snatch the eraser out of your hand and mutter something in response about you being a faggot before the teacher finally arrives.

Although you hate this turdmuching fuckbreath "friend" with a deep passion, you still have to see him every day in class, and sometimes you even get along just fine.  He's really not so bad when he's not being a complete piece of shit so rancid that a sentient toilet brush wouldn't even be willing to voluntarily poke him around an S-bend.  It's rare that he resembles a normal human, but he has his moments.  It's obviously in your best interests that you don't argue and hate each other ALL the time, just because it's hard to get work done when you're always fighting and although you don't really give a fuck about most of your classes, you do still want to at least scrape a pass.  Repeating a grade would be truly devastating - an extra year of this bullshit?  No thanks!

kpopgroupx2

One day, after dinner, your parents both enter your bedroom, with that "serious talk time" look in their eyes.  Uh oh.

"It's time we had a talk." says your father.

"You know what this is about", says your mother.

You sigh.  "Is this about sex?  I already know what goes where, I knew most of that when I was about seven."

Your parents look at each other, speechless.

You continue, undeterred.  "Hey, in the schoolyard it's pretty much all anyone ever fucking talks about, it's impossible not to know about these things.  This is 2016, not 1816, not that it would have been any different back then I suspect.  But anyway - I already know that the pee-pee goes in the vajayjay, so is that it, can this be over now?"

Your parents both groan at your cynicism.  "We actually wanted to talk to you about social networking", says your mother.

"We think that at 13 years old, you're old enough to have your own social networking account".
"Oh..." - this has gotten you by surprise.  "Okay, well... er... that'd be cool!"

Your parents both smile.  "Great!" says your dad.  "When you're ready we'll help you set up your account."

"Don't worry, I don't need any help.  I go on my friends' accounts all the time, I know how it works.  Watch out for strangers with modelesque profile pictures, no you don't have a relative who died in a plane crash in the mountains near Nigeria, that sort of thing.  The Internet is safe in my hands!"

Your parents both roll their eyes and look at each other blankly.   "Just make sure you block the trolls, dear", your mum reminds you.

kpopgroupx3

A week later and your first foray into social networking is going well.  You've added all your friends from school, and also some friends-of-friends who you don't know but you hope to get to know at some point.  A lot of them post a lot of silly things but you don't read the main feed much, you've been too busy customising everything and making your new corner of cyberspace look exactly how you want it.  You've got a cool looking profile pic of yourself (which doesn't really look like you but whatev) and lots of detail in your bio about all your interests and the things you like - of course [k-pop group x] and [social issue y] top the list.  It's fun filling out stuff about yourself, maybe people will see your information and they'll like some of the things that you like!  Having your own little cyberhaven gives you a pleasing (if mild - after all it's only a web page) sense of power and control which is new in your life.

After an hour of messing around with layouts you take a break and watch the most recent YouTube video by [k-pop group x].  You decide to go and look at the YouTube comments, when all of a sudden, you notice something appear:

fukinshi2

How can anyone possibly dislike [k-pop group x], your favourite group in the entire world ever?  Why would anyone even leave a comment like that?  It is not acceptable, it makes you so mad!  You quickly go onto your new social networking account to complain to all your friends.
Normally I don't like to rant but I'm sick of these HATERS who hate my favourite group, [k-pop group x].  My parents told me that I shouldn't bother with trolls, so anyone who just wants to post hate about my faves, I'm going to delete and block them!  You haters disgust me, you need something better to do with your life!  I love [k-pop group x] and I don't care what you say!  I only want nice comments and a world without haters!
Most of the responses you get are supportive, but a couple statements are not.
You stupid [word that mocks social issue y]!  You can't expect everyone in the world to like [k-pop group x]!
I heard that [k-pop group x] are mean bullies and they have a bad attitude!
What haters, ugh!  You just wanted to express your love for [k-pop group x], why is this person butting in with their unwelcome opinion?  Why would they even comment if they didn't like the group?  One of your friends comes in to bat for you:
You shouldn't use words like [word that mocks social issue y], it's not fair for people experiencing [social issue y].  Why even comment anyway if you hate the group.  You're obviously just a troll, go away.
That's right - trolls!  Your parents warned you about these people!  You make sure to delete and block these people immediately, just like your mum taught you, but first you leave one last comment.
They are not bullies!  [k-pop group x] are nice!  I hate all of you haters!  You should just go and die!  This is my space, not yours!  I will block you forever!
A wave of relief washes over you as you delete the hating people using bad language in contravention of [social issue y] and not respecting [k-pop group x] - it's YOUR social networking account, damnit - your favourite group is protected here!  You watch as a few people on your SNS page who like [social issue y] spread your statement.  You smile.  Maybe in some small way, you're making a difference to the world.

kpopgroupx

A few days later, you're at school, on lunch break.  You're sitting at a bench on the playground eating the sandwiches your parents packed for you, when your "friend" the fuckwad sits next to you.

"Don't sit next to me, creep", you sneer at him.

"Hey, I haven't even said anything yet!  Why are you picking a fight?", mouths the disgusting cuntface.

"Why should I even give you a chance?  Just go away, asshole!"

"Fine... [word that mocks social issue y]" he mutters as he gets up and leaves.

"I wish I could block you like on the Internet!" you yell at him as he walks off somewhere, hopefully to bother someone else.  Thank fuck for that.

kpopgroupx4

Six months pass.  School remains at much the same level of drudgery and dickheads, but your Internet experience has gradually changed - for the better.  Whenever someone appears on your social networking who disagrees or makes fun of [social issue y], you block them - there's no talking to these people, they never agree with you about anything, and have a stupid answer for everything.  There's no point to argue with them, how can they argue and mock something so obviously important?  Better to just block and be done with them.  Also you get rid of all the trolls who say things about how they don't like [k-pop group x] for whatever reason - after all they know you're a fan so why would they spread hate on your page?  As time goes on more and more of these people are blocked, and pretty soon, you're surrounded only by people who agree with you about the awesomeness of [k-pop group x] and the incredible importance of [social issue y].  Whenever you post something about these things, everyone agrees with it!  It's great to feel surrounded by people who only think exactly like you do.

One day, you're sitting on the bench at lunchtime in your favourite spot, staring at the clouds for a few minutes before you have to go back to class.

"HEY, ASSHOLE!  LOOK OVER HERE!" shouts someone from behind you, no doubt your "friend" the fuckstain.

You turn around on the bench just in time to see an object coming right at your face.  You don't have time to dodge it or even identify it properly.  Frozen in shock, the object hits you on the side of your head, knocking you out cold.

*****

You wake up.  Slowly, at first.  Your eyes feel heavy, it's hard to even open them.  You sit up and look around.  You're in a dark room, lying on a bed.  The walls, floor and bedsheets are white, but there's no light here, except a small amount creeping in from a dim skylight above your head which has a large crack through it.  You look down at your clothes, you're in a white hospital gown.  You realise that you're in a ward.  You get up out of the bed and pace around the small room.

hospilb

Your joints feel stiff and walking is awkward at first.  You pace around in circles a few times, it starts to get a little easier.  How long have you been out for?  It must have been a while, you feel very weak and wobbly on your feet.  You hear your own breathing, more pronounced than usual as you struggle to move your limbs comfortably, and this makes you notice that it's very quiet.  A solitary machine on the bench behind your bed makes a low hum, other than this you can hear nothing at all apart from the sounds of your own body and what sounds like some birds outside.  The room seems kind of dirty, with a thin film of grime across everything.  You can feel the dirt on your bare feet, between your toes, as you pace back and forth.

After a few minutes, you feel confident to move somewhere.  You want to find someone who can explain what happened to you.  You open the door opposite the bed.  It leads out into a grimy corridor.

hospi2

You shout "hello?" - no response.  Where are you?  Are you even in your hometown?  There's plenty of natural light, but no actual lights are on, and nobody is around.  You continue walking through the maze of corridors, looking for a way out, so you can get your bearings.  As you move further and further through the hospital, the building looks more and more like it's falling to pieces.  Walls and ceilings show huge cracks and burn marks, random chunks of debris are strewn on the floor endangering your feet and after a certain point there's barely an intact pane of glass anywhere.  You walk very slowly and carefully.  Eventually you reach the foyer and step outside the building, into a courtyard.

hospi3

You look around.  From the outside, you can really see how trashed the building is.  It's hard to walk anywhere as there is debris all over the ground.  The surroundings are equally deserted.  There's lots of junk everywhere but the street outside the hospital has no cars... well, no intact cars.  There's a couple trashed vehicles across the road which look similar to the hospital you just emerged from - all burn marks, warped metal and smashed glass.  You walk gingerly over to the road at the front of the hospital.  Looking down the road into the distance, you see mainly just trees and hills, with the odd completely destroyed car on the side of the road.  You might conceivably still be in Seoul but you doubt it - it doesn't look like anywhere you recognise.

You turn to look the other way and you see a girl in an army uniform - full camouflage and a helmet with a red cross on it.  She looks about your age, and notices you at the same time that you notice her.  She has a small rifle with her, that she points at you seemingly only out of reflex - as she makes eye contact with you, a look of recognition crosses her face and she lowers the rifle straight away.  It's obvious from her expression that she knows who you are - however you've never seen her before.

"Where am I?" you ask her.

The girl says nothing in reply but instead fumbles for a radio on her belt.  She maintains eye contact with you while she talks to someone on the radio.  You hear only her half of the conversation - the other half is too scratchy and full of radio static to discern clearly.

"xxx-xx-x-x--xxx"

"She's up."

"xxx-x-x-xxxxx-xxxxx-xx-x"

"Looks okay.  No shoes or clothes yet.  Could use a feed."

"xxxx-xxx-xxx-x-x---xxxxx-x-xxx"

"praise [k-pop group x]"

"xxx-xxx-x-x"

"Front of the hospital."

"xxx-x-x--x-x---xxxxx--xxx-xx-xx"

"All clear."

"xxxx-x-xxxx--x---x-x--x-x--x-xx----x -x--xx-x-x-xxxxx-xx-x-xx- x-xxx--xx-x-xxx-xx-x-x--x-- -xx---x---x--x-x--x--x-- -x-xxxxxx-xx-x-xx-x -xx-xx- x x---x--xx-xx-x-x-x--xx-x-xx-x-x-----xxxxx-xx-xxx-xxx-xx-xxx x-xxx-xxx-x-xx-xxxx-x----x xxxx-x-xxxx-x-xx-x-x-xxxx"

"Will do."

"xx-x-xxx"

The girl doesn't break eye contact with you the entire time she's on the radio.  You look back and notice that she has a strange look in her eyes, a combination of weariness and a barely-restrained emotion you don't recognise.  You also notice for the first time that you're actually really hungry - and thirsty.  The girls puts the radio back in her belt.

You couldn't help but notice something about her radio chat.  "You like [k-pop group x]?" you ask.
The girl rolls up the sleeve of her army fatigues to reveal a large tattoo of [k-pop group x]'s logo on her forearm.  You gasp - you've never seen such a bold display of devotion!  She smiles a little when she notices that you like her tattoo.  Finally she speaks to you:  "Listen carefully and do as I say, it is important for your survival", she says in a deadpan, matter-of-fact manner.

"Where am I?  What's going on?"  You start to feel tears well up.

The girl is unmoved.  "It's important that you stay calm.  We have a long journey ahead, there'll be time to fill you in on the road."

"Where am I going?  I just want to go home!"  You start crying.

"Keep the noise down, you [word that mocks social issue y]!  You're going to get yourself shot!"

Your stomach turns.  "Why are you making fun of [social issue y] - it's important!"

The girl's expression suddenly changes and she stares at you warily.  You sense some hostility as she grips her rifle for a second, then reconsiders it and lets go.  She seems confused.  "You're lucky I have orders." she says to you, threateningly.  You're not sure if you've just made your best friend or your worst enemy.  Maybe both?

*****

Once she calms you down, the soldier girl scavenges some boots that semi-fit your feet and some army clothes from somewhere ("don't even ask", she says), gives you a water flask and marches with you along the hospital road for what seems like hours.  Noticeably, she doesn't walk you right alongside the road but in the trees and scrubland, about fifty metres away ("it's safer this way" she says).  During the long journey she explains to you that you had been in a coma for a year.  For the last four months of that year, she has been your sworn protector, allocated to protect and serve you by the armies loyal to [k-pop group x].  While you were in a coma, there had been an uprising which has caused great conflict within Korea, not the predicted North/South war (which fizzled abruptly as the South and North's leaders both began acting more and more like each other), but a war along different lines - those who loved [k-pop group x], and their anti-fans who were fiercely loyal to [competing k-pop group z].  During this time, it was her job to guard the hospital that you were stationed at, and to not only look after your personal security but to keep your health and hygiene intact.  She goes into details about brushing your teeth, feeding you through tubes and changing your clothes and bedsheets while you were in a coma - far more detail than you want her to go into, but it keeps your mind busy while travelling.  She also mentions that the hospital has been attacked several times and is a hotly contested territory in the conflict.  However she consistently evades one particular question:

"But why were you looking after me?  Why me?" you ask her.

"It's not something I can talk about.  You have to see", she insists.

As night falls, you are still being marched along by the soldier girl.  You are directed off the road and up a steep hill.

"I can't do this anymore!" you complain as your still-weakened legs struggle with the steep angle.

"It's not much further.  We're only a few minutes away.  Be strong!"

The words motivate you to continue.  Eventually you come to your destination, a cave hidden in the hills.

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You step inside, the entrance leads to a large underground cavern.  The entire cave has been carved out into a makeshift barracks complete with a small armoury of rifles and rockets, a dormitory of several bunk beds, and a large meeting space in the center.  There are several soldiers here, over a dozen, all female, all about your age.  They all look at you with wide eyes, astonished at what they are seeing.  Your body is incredibly tired, you look at each face one by one, the girls look battle-hardened but emotional.  A girl slightly older than the others greets you, she is dressed in some kind of uniform that makes her seem more important than the others.  She bows down at your feet, in a strange display of humbleness, and then points to the wall behind her.  There is an inscription, engraved into the rock:
I'm sick of these HATERS who hate my favourite group, [k-pop group x].  I shouldn't bother with trolls, we should delete them from the earth!  You haters disgust me, you need something better to do with your life!  I love [k-pop group x] and I don't care what you say!  I only want nice comments and a world without haters!  I hate all of you haters!  You should just go and die!  This is my space, not yours, and[k-pop group x] are perfect!  Let's rise up and destroy the haters of [k-pop group x] once and for all!
You gasp in horror.  These are your words from social networking... although not exactly.  They are a far more extreme version.

The well-dressed girl speaks.  "These are the words which have inspired us to rise up and fight the good fight against the haters and followers of [k-pop group z].  We thank you sincerely for providing these words to us, to show us the true way of loyalty to [k-pop group x], we are forever grateful for this!  Your inspiration has allowed us to crush the will of our most hated [word that mocks social issue y]!"

You flinch at the use of [words that mock social issue y].  It's nice that these people followed your words but you didn't mean to start a war about it, you just wanted to have a nice social networking account!  How can these people follow your love of [k-pop group x] to such crazy extremes but show such utter disregard for your concern about [social issue y]?  It doesn't make any sense to you!  "But... I never told anyone to kill anyone!  Those aren't my words!  Well, they are... but they aren't!  Also [social issue y] is important!  I wrote about that too!  Please don't mock it!" you exclaim.

Everyone in the room who wasn't looking at you turns to look at you at once.  The well-dressed, important-looking girl draws a pistol out of her belt and points it at your head, inches away from your face.  "WHAT did you say?  You are an impostor who didn't even write this, and you believe in the garbage [social issue y] movement?" she asks menacingly.

You don't have time to think up an answer as a large explosion outside nearby makes the ground shake and dust falls from the cave ceiling.

"You've been followed!" the girl screams at the other soldier girl who brought you here.

"I didn't see anyone!  We kept a low profile!" the soldier girl replies.

"Traitor!" another girl in the room yells.

Another explosion rocks the cave, much closer this time.  Everybody in the room instantly stops bickering, grabs a weapon and runs for the exit.

"Get out of here!  We'll get caved in!" yells the important girl who just threatened you, as she ushers the others outside.  Her prediction becomes quickly true as a third explosion dislodges a chunk of boulder from the cave ceiling which falls right on top of her head, instantly transforming her from a living breathing sharply-dressed military girl into a squashed mess of limbs and blood.  You can hear gunfire outside by the cave exit, perhaps the others are shooting people outside, or getting shot, or maybe both, who can tell.  You wonder what life is even about at this point.  More explosions, too many to count.  Too exhausted and physically drained to run anywhere, you assume the foetal position and wait for death.  Waves of dirt and mud wash over you as you black out.

*****

"WAKE UP, BITCH!"

You wake up, conscious of a pain in your ribs before anything else.  You can hear the sound of a motor, the smell of petrol and you feel wind on your face.  You look around.  You're lying down in the back of an open-tray moving vehicle of some kind.  There are two soldiers sitting with you, both girls about your age.  Not the same type of soldiers from before though, their uniforms are different, and their weapons seem more modern, flashier somehow.  You become aware that your hands and legs are both tied.  One of the girls has her boot needling into your ribs, the source of the pain.  She's playing with her mobile phone while resting her foot casually but no doubt deliberately where's its as uncomfortable for you as possible.

"So you're the [k-pop group x] fangirl who started this shit, hey?  Well - we've got plans for you!" snaps one of the girls.  You figure that this is the other side, the girls who like [k-pop group z] - the haters.

"Lucky for her it's a long trip - you'll get a few more hours of life in.  Make sure to enjoy them!" laughs the other girl, the one with her foot in your ribcage.

The first girl lights up a cigarette and takes a puff as she looks at you.  "Wow, down there you look like one of those people affected by [social issue y]."

The second girl lifts her boot and takes the pressure off your ribs.  "You know, all jokes aside, we shouldn't mock [social issue y], it's a serious problem in the world today."

"The first girl nods in agreement.  "Yes, it's true - my bad.  We shouldn't be like those worthless philistines who like [k-pop group x], they're all really disgusting when it comes to [social issue y].  We should strive to be better than that."

You try to say something but you can't get the words out.  You suddenly realise that it's because your mouth has a gag in it.

"Mmhmm mhmmhmmhm mhmhmmm!!!" you say.

Both of the girls laugh at you.  "It seems this little [k-pop group x]-loving idiot has something on her mind.  Should we take her gag out?"

The other girl nods.  "This is going to be a long trip, I could use some entertainment.  Let's hear her out."

The girl closer to you reaches behind your head and removes the gag.

"I wrote about [social issue y] too - go look it up." you say between gasps for air.

"Oh, I can't wait!" says the girl playing with her phone as she laughs and searches up your social networking.

As she finds your page the smile drops off her face instantly.  She then shows the screen to the other girl, who also reads it and becomes very serious.  The next ten minutes of riding are very quiet.  Finally one of them pipes up.

"What a drag that we have to kill you.  You seem smart, if only you didn't like [k-pop group x]", sighs one of the girls.

"Why is it a problem?  Can't I just like it?" you ask.

"No, of course not!" both girls tell you, as if you're stupid.  "You've seen how much conflict and destruction liking that group has caused!"

More silence.  A few minutes later, a loud banging noise rocks the vehicle and a plume of dirt shoots into the air.  "Ambush!" yells one of the girls.

Rapid gunfire breaks out from the sides of the road as the girls in the back of the truck with you plus two more girls in the cabin all exit the vehicle and lie down on the ground, returning the gunfire with shots of their own.  You remain tied up, lying on your side in the tray of the truck, hopefully a hard target to hit, but are they even aiming for you anyway, aren't they just fighting with each other?  Do they even know that you're in the vehicle?  You can hear bullets landing nearby.  As chaos engulfs the roadside, a man quietly enters the tray, motions with his finger over his lips for you to be silent, picks you up and runs with you in his arms, seemingly in the opposite direction to the madness.   You're too tired and scared to argue, as the gunshots gradually get quieter and further away.  It's the last thing you remember.

*****

You're sitting in a chair, in a large gym.  You're not completely sure how you got here.  You look around.  Happily, you notice that there are no soldiers here, also your arms and legs are not bound.  In front of you is a large plate of food, mostly eaten.  You don't feel hungry or thirsty, or even uncomfortable any more, it's amazing what a nice meal can do!  A older man appears in front of you, dressed in a suit.

"Presenting The Art Of Thoughts, by Chou TZUYU!" he says, in a grandiose, theatrical manner, waving his arms to introduce Tzuyu.  Tzuyu appears with a smile, holding a large ring-bound notepad.  You sit and listen as Tzuyu gives a presentation.  As Tzuyu talks, you become gradually aware of a cozy, warm fuzzy feeling.
Hi, I'm Tzuyu from TWICE!  My presentation today is all about thoughts!  Now that you are refreshed and mentally alert, please sit back and enjoy!

thougths copy
Thoughts are like viruses for the brain.  When you share thoughts with someone else, it's like you are infecting them, and like infections, thoughts can spread and become contagious.  With the Internet, this effect is magnified, and people can share their thoughts faster and with more people than ever before!
A good example is a joke that is very funny - people can't resist retelling it, so the joke gets retold to many people.  Of course the chance of a joke being retold to more people and being more contagious depends on the quality of the "funny".  When people retell a joke, they may make it more funny, or less funny, depending on how smart and funny they are as joke-tellers.  A less funny joke has less chance of being shared so it quickly dies, but a funnier joke will spread further and further, maybe all across the globe!  This is why the Internet has funnier jokes than your corny parents!
On the other hand, what if the thought is not something funny, but something that makes you really angry?  Angry thoughts that tap into people's sense of outrage tend to spread further if they make people as angry as possible, and just like how some joke-tellers change the joke to make it funnier, people who spread angry thoughts sometimes change the thing that makes them angry, to something even more annoying, either deliberately (because they have an agenda to spread anger about something they hate) or by accident (because of only knowing or understanding part of the story before they retell it).  The more annoying thing may not even be true, but because it is more annoying, it taps deeper into people's sense of outrage and has a higher chance of spreading further and more effectively than the less annoying (but more nuanced and trufaxual) thing.  Many people can't resist sharing something that really pisses them off!
Let's take the issue of [social issue y] as an example.
socissy
Do people really care about [social issue y]?  Well, some do and some don't!  However people who like [social issue y] and people who think [social issue y] sucks have something in common - they really don't like to hear from each other, they find that people on the other side of the debate really annoy them.  So what someone who likes [social issue y] will do when they hear a dissenting voice from someone who hates [social issue y] is one of two things (or both):
  1. They will block or silence the other person, removing their voice, leaving behind all the other voices that approve of [social issue y] in their circle, making it a more approving-of-[social issue y] environment where they are less likely to be questioned and hear dissenting voices from their original source
  2. They will grab that other person's dissenting voice and share it around, going "look how annoying this fuckhead is, this moron who is making fun of [social issue y]!"
Of course these hate-statements will spread more rapidly throughout the we-love-[social issue y] community if the facts are distorted (deliberately or accidentally) to make the hate-statements seem even more annoying, more stupid, more illogical than they really are.  Just like how the version of the joke that spreads the furthest is the funniest, the version of the ridiculous-statement that spreads the furthest is the one that outrages the most people, which means that it's usually the version where facts that give nuance to a situation are discarded in favour of simplistic statements that provoke sheer irritation.  I've used likers spreading haters in this example but the same phenomenon works exactly the same vice-versa, haters spread distorted amplified versions or extreme examples of things that likers say in the same way.  This is why almost everything viral that gets rapidly shared on both sides of any political or social debate is full of shit - content which has a higher degree of fabrication designed to ridicule the other side of the debate and make them look dumb has so much more chance of spreading and being seen and heard within each closed community than what the other side are really saying.  The same Internet that makes funny jokes funnier, makes anger-inducing statements and nonsense more extreme.  This is fine when you're telling a joke, but not if you're trying to share something that is real because the transformation process that allows the thought to spread so much quicker also distorts the truth.
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How does this work with k-pop groups?  Let's say that a k-pop group has a scandal, such as the one that I had recently with the whole Taiwanese flag-waving thing.  The sides of the debate that will spread the fastest will be "Tzuyu is a Taiwanese bitch who hates China" and "Tzuyu is an angel who supports her precious country, how dare other people attack her", because they are the most polar extreme options.  The nuanced truth of "I don't really give a shit about Taiwan either way I just held the flags up because the cameraman thought it would be a nice prop and I was doing what the man said because just like you I'm an underage girl with no real control over my life" may be correct but it won't spread as far - it doesn't have the annoyance potential to go viral in the way that the extremes of the debate do, so the voice of reason will be overshadowed.
You can help stopping the Internet from becoming stupid.  Firstly, by all means block people who harass you on the Internet but don't block people who you disagree with or try to peer-pressure them into silence just because you don't like their opinions only.  Even if they are fucking morons it's good to get the other side, but also be aware that what that side are sharing is probably biased as hell and tuned to appeal to their biases through the aforementioned distortion process.  You can learn a lot by seeing how other people react to biased information.
Remember that your own side is biased too, things that go viral because you like them do so because they appeal to you and your peers, and any "fact" that has spread through a lot of other brains before it gets to yours is one where other people may have "tweaked the truth" (deliberately or accidentally) so it seems even more appealing to spread, so be wary.  For instance, we all know T-ara weren't bullies, but we also all know they're humans and not perfect angels - but to a T-ara fan "T-ara are perfect angels" is a much more appealing thing to spread around than "T-ara fucked up a bit on SNS and were a bit bitchy but hey what bunch of young girls isn't, however let's maybe not pin them to the stake for something that everyone on the planet does, just because we see our own reflection in the mirror when we look at T-ara and can't handle it".  That statement doesn't have as much virality to a T-ara fan because it's more nuanced - "T-ara are angels" seems like a stronger, more extreme statement that can be seen to fight harder against the wildly incorrect, very annoyingly viral statement of "T-ara are bullies".  However spreading "T-ara are angels" doesn't actually help - it just creates more "T-ara are bullies" from the pitiful individuals who have been suckered by viral anger into believing the other side.
Extreme simplistic untruths on two opposite ends of an opinion spectrum might seem opposed but in fact they have a symbiotic relationship, they reinforce each other because they are so annoying that they make the other side want to respond with even more extremity, ensuring that people argue in constant viral circles, gradually tweaking the argument to make it even more extreme, and nobody ever gets to the real truth of a situation.  By being extreme about it, you're not "fighting the lies" - you're helping them grow and spread, by enraging more people to fire back with lies in return.  The truth is usually out there somewhere, but you usually have to dig for it - something that just plops into your lap (or your laptop) with either "outrage" or "how perfectly awesome" written all over it is highly likely to be wrong, or at least missing some important details.  Always question the information you receive - especially if it seems true and hits your emotions hard, because viral lies are specifically honed to do exactly this!
Anyway, that's how you ruined your life and the lives of those around you.  Do you believe in reincarnation?
tzuyudream

Sunday Shitpost #7

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Well, as AKF mentioned he's currently busy actually being a productive member of society so unfortunately that leaves the likes of me to carry on in his stead. Oh, well at least it's not like anything of note happened this week so this will be a rather short Sunday Shitpost.




New Story #1: Seolhyun talks about people stealing and selling those cardboard cutouts of her

I just absolutely love that picture of Seolhyun with the cardboard cutout of herself, so any excuse to use it in a post or talk about it in general I will pounce upon. On "Entertainment Weekly" she basically said that stealing it is one thing but you definitely shouldn't sell it. "...so just look at it.” She advises. I think Mamamoo said it best in, "Ahh Oop", "just look don't touch."

News Story #2: China censors comments and web searches regarding Tzuyu



The idea that one of the most powerful countries on the planet is desperately running around crazily censoring a k-pop idol will never not be funny, but here we are. China is blocking name searches for Tzuyu right now on Weibo along with the newly elected president of Taiwan, Tsai Ing Wen. Taiwain claims that the China is bullying Tzuyu, making it only the second most controversial bullying scandal involving a k-pop idol.

New Story #3: Rainbow coming back in February 


You might as well unzip your pants now in anticipation. It was revealed that Rainbow is preparing for the comeback right now, as we speak.

News Story #4: Something about Hani crying


I don't care enough about this one to go into much detail but after some guy said something that upset Hani, netziens went nuts and now want that guy dead... Or something. At any rate Yedang Ent. basically said it wasn't professional but they don't have any right to ask her about her personal life (yeah, right). 

Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 93

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This comment comes from a thread about liking idols but not liking their music. You'll have to click on the image to blow it up even more, as this is as big as I can make it.



The great thing about Twice is that it's not full of vocalists, so we are assured in the future that JYP will not give them songs where several members can try to out-wank each other during adlibs. In the only Japanese song I like (Nogizaka46's Loneliest Lover In The World), none of them can "sing" (I probably don't need quotes), but what makes the song work is that the girls just do what they're told to do -- in this case, not sing in a register that makes me want to kill myself.

With Jihyo being the only "vocalist" in the group, it reduces the likelihood that Twice will have truly awful songs where I have to listen to girls vocally masturbate. If I'm truly interested in these girls masturbating in any form, I will dress up as their manager so that I can catch Sana and Nayeon masturbating in their dorms.

If you have any submissions for STFU, send them to hanyeseul_fag@yahoo.com or to @antikpopfangirl on Twitter.

Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 94

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This comment comes from an old Boyfriend article here on AKF in which just about the whole comments sections could provide enough STFU material to last two months.



How can we review songs if we don't watch any music videos? How can we write about anything if we're only allowed to write about what we like? This site would have died long ago if we weren't allowed to write about stuff we didn't like.

What worries me is that this fangirl is threatening AKF with sodomy. Since this is 2015 and this girl triggered many potential safe spaces, where do I report her so that she doesn't rape our leader?





If you have any submissions for STFU, send them to hanyeseul_fag@yahoo.com or to @antikpopfangirl on Twitter.

Radwimps - 記号として

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Radwimps is quickly becoming one of my favorite groups, and I'm hoping they release an album this year, since their last album came out in 2013.



Japanese rock has been making a revival, with 2015 being a really good year for the genre. Japan needs it because its pop market is still extremely awful. When Nishino Kana is the best-selling female soloist in the country, there's something wrong.

The Kpopalypse k-pop music video drinking game

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It's a little known fact that the Kpopalypse radio show already has its own drinking game, but what about people who don't give a shit about radio and just want to watch some YouTubes and get fucking drunk?  Well, this post is for you!

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Although I write a Korean pop blog, I don't actually care for most aspects of Korean culture, the only things that really interest me about Korea are the pop music, the food and the occasionally decent horror movie.  In many ways it's a very alien culture to my own, but one area where Korean and Australian culture definitely coincide is drinking habits.  Australianslovegettingfuckedup and so do Koreans, so it seems appropriate that this post take steps to remedy the cross-cultural divide and encourage you to get shitfaced while watching Korean pop videos.

Before we get started, here's an important public health warning from IU:

drinkresponsibly

Excessive alcohol consumption could lead to negative side-effects, such as weight gain, lower sexual performance, shit driving, homelessness, Nell appreciation, death of yourself or others, or even worse - being an annoying cunt.  This may include leaving stupid comments on the Internet that nobody wants to read, and/or giving inflated importance to some dumb k-pop controversy that nobody with a brain cares about.

Great, now the disclaimers are over, let's talk about getting fucked up.

The first thing you'll need are some friends to play the drinking game with.  If you're a person with outstanding social skills you'll already have these, so you can skip to the next paragraph.  For those without friends, try these exciting cool tips:
  • Bathe occasionally
  • Clean your teeth, you're not a j-pop girl
  • Get off your computer chair you disgusting tub of lard
  • Get a cool hobby (i.e not anime, gaming or LARP)
  • Sometimes go out and do social things
Presto - friends will soon be yours!

The next thing you'll need is some alcoholic beverage.  In this drinking game you're going to be drinking a LOT so I would suggest nothing too strong.  You'll probably want to be all "I love Korea" and drink soju but your average soju drink is 20% alcohol which is enough to get you into the hospital quicksmart with a game like this one unless you have a cast-iron liver.  Low alcohol-by-volume beverages are best, and don't forget plenty of shotglasses!

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The last consideration is k-pop videos.  You'll need lots of these, preferably in some kind of YouTube playlist that you can set-and-forget, because once you start drinking you'll probably struggle to operate a computer effectively so the more hands-off you can be about the information technology side of things, the better for everybody.  If you want Kpopalypse-related lists you can try this great collection here, but any k-pop playlist will do as there are several of them.

Once you're set up with your friends, ample quantities of your beverage of choice plus a k-pop video playlist, it's time to get started!

RULES

Watch k-pop videos.  Drink shots as per the following:

CARS - there are very strict rules for car use in k-pop MVs, and thus also in this drinking game.
  • Spotless pristine new/sports/vintage car is driven/rode in by the performers or danced in front of - 1 shot for each unique model sighted
  • Completely destroyed burned-out husk of a car is shown - 1 shot per video
  • Cars are turned from pristine into wrecks during the course of the video - 1 shot per incident
  • Car is sighted that does not conform to the the rule of k-pop MV automotive technology which states that all cars in k-pop videos must be in pristine spotless condition, or completely destroyed beyond recognition - first person to sight can abstain, everyone else drinks 1 shot
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CLASSY-SEXINESS - the kind of sexiness that k-pop fans appreciate the most.
  • Classy-sexiness detected - 1 shot per video
  • Classy-sexiness, and the perpetrator gets away with it - 1 extra shot at the end of the video
  • Classy-sexiness, and the perpetrator gets away with it, and the perpetrator is female - 3 extra shots at the end of the video
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COLOURS - in k-pop colours must always match, unless they don't, in which case they never do.
  • Extreme colour-matching outfits and backdrops - 1 shot per video
  • Extreme colour-clashing outfits and backdrops - 1 shot per video
  • Colour matching/clashing so extreme that you can barely even see the performers - 2 shots per video
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EDITING - k-pop at its best is musically a style of extremes, and the video editing unfortunately reflects this.
  • T-ara/Front Line Assembly style light-speed editing - 1 shot per video
  • One continuous camera shot for the whole video (or the faked appearance of such, as in the style of "Rope") - 1 shot when the video finishes
  • Tastefully edited video with just the right amount of cuts and edits - just kidding, no k-pop videos like this exist
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FAP - content that you can fap to.
  • Gratuitous male abs/pecs/other man-meat reveal in a video - those with sexual orientations preferring men drink 1 shot, 1 extra shot for muscular flexing
  • Gratuitous female cleavage/ass reveal in a video - those with sexual orientations preferring women drink 1 shot, 1 extra shot for visible jiggle or underboob
  • Bisexuals must take 1 shot for all of the above
  • Asexuals must drink until they are drunk enough to discern a sexual orientation, then proceed as per one of the above
historyab

MICROPHONES - consult here for knowledge of correct microphone use.
  • Shure Super 55 vintage microphone used incorrectly - 1 shot per video
  • Shure Super 55 vintage microphone used correctly - 3 shots per video
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PRODUCT PLACEMENT - k-pop wouldn't be where it is today without all those sponsors paying the bills.
  • Idol uses an obviously product-placed mobile phone app, car, perfume, toilet roll holder, fleshlight etc - 1 shot per use
  • Product placement within other product placement (i.e a mobile phone app is used but the phone's logo is clearly visible during the process, therefore the product-placement is not just for the app but also the phone itself) - 1 extra shot
  • Entire song is ABOUT the damn product - 3 shots
abinggg

ROCK BAND ATTIRE - k-pop idols might not always know how to rock, but they know how to rock rock band attire.
  • T-shirt or other shirt/top with western rock band logos - 1 shot
  • Leather or denim jacket with western rock band logos - 2 shots
  • Obscure-as-fuck surely-must-be-bootlegged cutesy attire with western rock band logos - 3 shots
  • General consensus around the room is that there is no way in hell that the idol depicted listens to the band in question - 1 extra shot
deadkennedyssocks

SLOGANS - English slogans are often used in k-pop videos, because they look cool, and because they look cool.  However they don't always make sense, nor do they always make sense.
  • Random nonsense English slogans appear on backgrounds for no obvious reason - 1 shot per unique item
  • Random nonsense English slogans that look rude appear - 1 shot per unique item
  • Random nonsense English slogans that are rude appear - 2 shots per unique item
drinkswear

VALUE FOR MONEY - a hard thing to come by in the world of k-pop.
  • Dance routine in front of a white or simply-coloured plain backdrop (not a box) to save cash - 1 shot
  • Outdoor video shot in that abandoned amusement park all the nugu groups use - 1 shot
  • Indoor video shot in that run-down brick building with arched windows everyone uses - 1 shot
  • Dance practice video masquerading as an actual official music video - 2 shots
  • Live-on-TV video masquerading as an actual official music video - 3 shots
  • Windows Movie Maker selca collection masquerading as an actual official music video - 4 shots
  • Lyrics video masquerading as an actual official music video - 5 shots
  • Fan-style (but official, not fan-made) compilation of footage from other videos masquerading as an actual official music video - 6 shots
rokkissss

Good luck!  Last person to not pass out in a puddle of their own puke from alcohol poisoning wins!  Kpopalypse will return with more posts soon, hopefully you're smart enough not to indulge in stupid drinking games on some lame k-pop blogsite and therefore you can live long enough to read them!

Best of the Worst: Jan. 21, 2016

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Kpop tackled some deep, philosophical issues this week. After wading through all that substance, I was left with a few questions for you, readers, such as:

  • Would you turn down a billionaire's proposal of marriage even if you just met him once and didn't like him?
  • If you were going to petition a kpop media outlet for something, who would it be and why?
  • And does using the same filter as someone mean you're humping behind the scenes?

Deep.


  • Pann-choa calls out Koreaboo for stealing content. That Koreaboo was caught is no surprise. I just wonder at what point I'm going to have to stop going to Koreaboo and using them for Best of the Worst posts. I already can't go to AKP, because of the evil. And I don't want to get cancer, so I stay away from NB as much as possible. At this rate, I'll have to stop doing this series for lack of sites I will let myself visit.
  • Stellar came out with a sweet "virtual reality" version of "Sting." You can spin around the room while Stellar sings to you. Or you can use the little hand thing to pretend to grab the members. Not that I did that or anything.

Why does Jonghyun seem like the older person in this pic?

Fancam Appreciation #18 - Sonamoo's Euijin

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Euijin has been my favorite since debut and this fancam shows why.

Are there fancams that you want to nominate? Email them to antikpopfangirl@yahoo.com or tweet them to @antikpopfangirl.

Saturday Shitfest #33

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I don't have much to say about this video, except Nayeon is the best kind of awkward.


Oh, yeah, and here's this corn dog video, because corn dogs. And wtf.



Netizens In Love With Red Velvet’s Adorable Copy-Pasted Behavior At The “Idol Athletic Championship”

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I desperately need some web traffic to boost my fragile ego but I'm too lazy to write a proper article, so I thought I'd take a leaf out of other websites and just steal one from somewhere else.  I hope you guys are cool with this.

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While some claimed that the Idol Athletic Championship was turning into a circus of shitty copy-pasted articles on k-pop websites, netizens noticed that the members of Red Velvet were absolutely adorable at the event.

After seeing grainy, badly-formatted photos and footage from the sporting event sloppily thrown up onto websites desperate to meet their daily article quota, during which the SM Entertainment group members huddled closely and bonded, netizens noted that the girls were especially cute. From their cute huddle to an attempted kiss between members, Red Velvet’s antics at the Idol Athletic Championship won over the hearts of fans.

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 NETIZEN REACTIONS

KoreabKpopalypse has collected reactions from Netizens who commented on the original article from our Korean source, because what some random dickheads think is so incredibly important. The below comments are the most popular comments at the time of this article being published, because if something is more popular, it must always be better, therefore you will want to read it more.  Hopefully while doing so you might misclick and hit one of our ads!


  • I’m a fan of APink and RV both and I hope they become friends. Irene and Chorong are the same age and they’re really shy but they should form a 91 group with Irene, Chorong, Choa and Sora…who else is 91.. wow what am I doing with my life
  • I hope no male idols come near RV every time someone does there’s a controversy and I can't handle that because I'm a trendy fuckhead who needs approval from the entire population of a country before I can like something, I wonder if I'll ever grow up and develop a sense of self-worth or any actual moral values... nah I'll probably just coast along in life and be a mindless sheep seeking approval for others for everything I say, do and think about until I die
  • That first image is of them taking selfies with weird faces ㅋㅋㅋㅋ gosh that's so funny and was totally worth writing this comment about because it wasn't self-evident or anything, lucky I was here with my trusty eagle eye and keyboard to point this fact out, whatever will the world do if I ever lose my Internet connection
Source:Pann... or is it Pann-choa... fuck, I can't remember where I got this one from, I've had to do like 20 of these today, is it lunch time yet?

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Weekly Showdown: Stellar Edition

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Last time, I asked you guys which nugu/rookie group did you think was gonna make it big in 2016. Here are the results.



In other words, Twice >>>>>>>>>> Everyone else.



Controversial(?) music videos aside, I think Stellar is one of those groups that have been putting out a lot of solid music but don't get enough credit for it at all. From "Study" to "Marionette" to "Vibrato" and now "Sting." Hopefully in 2016, more people will be able to see how much potential they have, and I must say they're already off to good start with "Sting." Minus the music video, of course. As creative as it is, it gives me the fucking creeps.

Anyway, for this showdown, I'm gonna be putting "Vibrato" up against "Sting" for best Stellar song.



"Vibrato" or "Sting"?

Vibrato
Sting
Poll Maker


As great as "Sting" is, I don't think it beats "Vibrato" just yet. It's a great followup, but Stellar have set the standards so high for themselves with their 2015 release. It's gonna be a little difficult to top it. Or that's just my opinion. What did you guys think?

Sunday Shitpost #8

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I'd like to start off this week's Sunday Shitpost by saying, "Yo fuck the Pats." Anyway, I'm doing this week's shitpost again, which means it's going to be short and probably not have something you'd love to shitpost about. Feel free to shitpost all you want in the comments about anything, though.


News Story #1: Ladies' Code Preparing for Comeback this Spring.

The members of Ladies' Code have apparently fully recovered from the traumatic injuries sustained in the 2014 accident. That's great to hear. They have also been practicing, and a song is being decided on for the comeback. Another interesting tidbit is that it is likely no new members will be added to the group.

News Story #2: Juniel Talks About Leaving FNC


Actually, there's not really anything newsy here at all. Juniel tweeted several times about her departure but doesn't actually say exactly why she left or anything. It's just a bunch of, "Thanks for all the years, etc. etc. etc." Meh.



It's not the kind of pictures HYS_Fag would prefer, but she's still really pretty. 

News Story # 4: AOA Debuting New Subunit


Nothing is known about it other than that it is expected to happen this month or next and that it will have 3 members. The album is supposedly near completion. Actually, here's some breaking news: I'm not in it.



Jackson and Nayeon talked about how JYP has a three-year dating ban... Or is it just really discouraged? Also, if you're found out to be dating, you will be made to break up. 

Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 95

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This comment comes from the Reddit Kpop forum's End of 2015 thread.



There was nothing epic about Big Bang's comeback. Even someone like me, who hates everything that Big Bang releases, was blown away by how awful their songs in 2015 were. There are bad things in the world, like women in Africa and the Middle East getting their clits cut off, and listening to Big Bang's music in 2015 is like getting my metaphorical clit tore off. Well, I guess that would be the same if someone cut the head of my dick off. Aside from that being painful, just think how hard it would be to take a piss. You would always need a urinal as you probably couldn't piss straight anymore. Then you have to get up close to the urinal and then you get all of that splashback. That actually sounds like a better alternative than Big Bang ever releasing another song again.

Amber's "Beautiful" is among the worst songs I have ever heard and I hope she doesn't quit her day job of fucking Luna, Krystal and Victoria.

SNSD certainly proved that they didn't have it in 2015. Every single title track was awful, and every time you Sones watched the MV, some kid in Africa got AIDS. Sure, correlation doesn't result in causation, but it fits with how bad SNSD's music is. Boycott SNSD and AIDS goes away!

If you have any submissions for STFU, send them to hanyeseul_fag@yahoo.com or to @antikpopfangirl on Twitter.

Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 96

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This turd of a comment comes from this Lovelyz "Ah Choo" performance.



This song would not do well in Japan. While on the surface it can sound like a Jpop song because it's cutesy, once you dig further, Lovelyz does not sound like a typical Jpop group.

What Lovelyz does is have a synth pop that sounds happy and melancholic at the same time. It is not geared to sound like a fucking toddler show's theme song like a lot of J-idol songs do. Thus, with that clear distinction, old Japanese dudes who have closeted pedophilia cannot fap to Lovelyz, thus Lovelyz would not do well in Japan.

If you have any submissions for STFU, send them to hanyeseul_fag@yahoo.com or to @antikpopfangirl on Twitter.

Hani Can't Catch a Break

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So Hani and her little brother recreated a photo from their childhood, but it seems that people will find anything to bash her for now-a-days.

1. [+593, -162] I still don't understand what Jun Hyun Moo supposedly did so wrong. Even if you look at the Nate poll regarding the issue, most of the people said they didn't get why Hani cried. It's just Hani's fans who took it to extremes.

2. [+561, -213] Shouldn't Hani apologize to Jun Hyun Moo? She made an innocent man get all that hate online and the internet was abuzz with that issue for days and all she did about it was put up a full make up selca a few days later on her Instagram like nothing happened. Ridiculous... at least she should clarify why she cried. Jun Hyun Moo is still getting hate over it.

4. [+68, -31] Please enough of this cry baby

5. [+54, -28] So she doesn't cry looking back on pictures like this?

6. [+47, -10] She tries way too hard to seem tom boyish

7. [+42, -16] Her face has changed though...

8. [+33, -7] So we're supposed to just accept it because apparently they apologized to each other? Are the viewers some sort of joke? She made all that fuss crying on live broadcast and we don't deserve an explanation or anything? She's a celebrity, her entire career relies on her fans and her popularity.

9. [+30, -8] She probably turned around and cried after posting this on Instagram

10. [+22, -4] Jun Hyun Moo got all that hate and yet she sits there saying nothing, actually making it seem like he's at fault...

View the rest here.

That's not even all of them. There were quite a few positive responses to this, but the fact that there is hate underneath ... this photo is so fucking stupid.

In regard to #'s 1, 2, 8, and 10: Why are you still bringing up the Jun Hyun Moo situation? Clearly, she's over it, he's over it and you should be, too.

#'s 4, 5, and 9: Oh wow, so Hani's a crybaby because she cried once on TV when some comedian brought up her boyfriend? You know, the boyfriend that journalists insist on bringing up in every single article about her no matter how far removed he is from the subject and also wasn't allowed to come to the awards ceremony because of the ongoing SM vs. JYJ battle. 

As for #6, they're clearly on drugs. I really don't see anything tomboyish about this picture in any way, and even then, just because a girl isn't doing aegyo 24/7 doesn't make her a tomboy.

#7 obviously doesn't know how aging works. Of course her face changed so much. She was like 5 years old when that picture was taken. She's 23 now; she's not going to look the exact same she did when she was a kid. What kind of weird pedophilia is this?

So now not only does Hani have to put up with Junsu being brought up in every single article no matter what, she's going to have Hyun Jun Moo brought up because people don't realize that having your whole career being brought down to the level of your boyfriend is stupid and fucked up on so many levels. This is especially true when your boyfriend can't even earn a simple award because of a prejudiced set by a separate agency.



Taeyeon is basically me at all these comments.

Kpopalypse Nugu Alert Episode 16: Hexe ft Plug Galaxy, Rebro, Kim Doe Hyun

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It's back again for 2016 - welcome to this year's first episode of Kpopalypse Nugu Alert!

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It's time to check out some more nugu k-poppers!

Not very long ago I wrote up a Kpopalypse music video drinking game.  The purpose of this game of course wasn't to get you all drunk (although cheers to those who did and I hope the hospital is letting you go home soon) but actually to highlight some of the unconventional visual oddities that k-pop video directors hold dear.  Of course I couldn't include absolutely every quirk of k-pop MV making, because if I had been all-inclusive you drinkers would all be dead, and I don't like getting sued for other people's stupidity.  It's okay though because Nugu Alert can pick up the slack and deal with some of the more oddball stuff in this and future episodes.

One category that I really could have used in the drinking game but that I kept away from for public health reasons is PLUSH TOYS.  K-pop videos have an obsession with plushies, and I kind of understand.  Many years ago when I was a drummer in a punk band I used to play those "skill tester" claw games (back when it was actually a legitimate skill test, before the newer rigged machines) and I'd use them as filler material for my bass drum because they were lighter to carry and thus more practical for touring (plus cuter) than the heavy blankets other drummers would use.  Of course I got constantly called a faggot for daring to showcase my plushie-filled kit, but then people would routinely call me a faggot anyway for all sorts of reasons (even when I was fucking their girlfriends) so just one more reason to be called a faggot was no big deal to me.  Nowadays I don't drum in bands anymore and Ihaveacat so I just buy my cat plush toys instead, but I do understand the appeal of the iconic plushie so it's time to take a look at how k-pop treats plush toys.

Super high-budget k-pop MVs from flashy agencies with money to burn will have sentient plush toys that actually do stuff, often to advance the story.  The latest example of this is Gfriend's "Rough" which uses some sneaky puppetry to make teddy abandoned at the bus stop come to life at 3:45:



However nugu groups can't afford that sort of caper, they probably couldn't even afford the money to pay the extra to manipulate teddy with his hand.  Nugu groups have got to take matters into their own hands when it comes to inserting plush toys into the drama of their drama music videos.  Please enjoy the following examples straight from the bowels of nugudom.  Usual Nugu Alert rules apply:
  • Less than 20,000 hits on official channels
  • International k-pop fans largely don't give a fuck
  • Kpopalypse gives all his fucks
Let's do it.



Hexe ft. Plug Galaxy - I Must Be Crazy





This video from Hexe and Plug Galaxy [insert pegging joke here] features some woman doing the usual moping around her apartment, pining for a lost love that she still sees in her delusional fantasies.  The "phantom boyfriend/girlfriend" is a pretty common theme in k-pop music videos but you don't see it on the far end of the nugu spectrum a whole lot due to the time-consuming camera trickery needed to set up such a shot, so good on these folks for giving it a red hot go and the results do look pretty good.  Early on in the video the hot plushie action is introduced with our female protagonist in bed at 0:39 looking at fap pics of her ex-boyfriend while her toy bunny looks on and they have a heartfelt "moment" together (girls, do you really do this?).  Of course she has to manipulate the bunny herself and act like it's alive because there's no budget for CGI/puppetry here, they already blew all the cash on the "ghost" scenes.  As the video continues you see her hallucinate/remember several scenes with the young man, plus her talking to another weirder looking older man with long hair (not me btw).  At 3:00 the shocking truth is revealed, the creepy older guy has been stalking her and pines after her.   Then at 3:30 he appears with two more bunnies in tow and it's revealed that he's been using his army of microdot-infused sentient plush toys to spy on her phone interactions and feel her up by remote control/astral projection while she sleeps and dreams of her ex-boyfriend.  Presumably he's deceased, no doubt a casualty of shit music disease after having listened to Hexe practicing this shitty song one too many times.

YouTube views at time of writing: 4369
Notable attribute: female protagonist using the reflection in the piano's upper panel to be a pervert in a moment of unflinching true-to-life student-teacher realism at 1:44
Nugu Alert rating: high



Rebro - Return





People have been tipping me off about nugus Rebro for a while now, so I thought it was about time that I finally featured them in Nugu Alert.  Rebro aren't actually completely nugu at least as individuals, they're a little-known sequel group to an older more successful classy-sexy concept group called 5tion, featuring a couple of their principal members and presumably also the same financial backing.  Their song isn't too bad though, both looking and sounding a bit like a cheapo version of BigBang's "Lovesong" but of course without the spontaneous combustion of scenery and exploding cars being dropped from cranes because that shit costs money.  Instead we get a girl walking across the desert with her favourite stuffed teddy bear, that she carelessly drops in the dirt because she's an ungrateful little brat who doesn't look after the toys her parents give her.  Poor neglected teddy gets the short end of the stick in this story, as the girl spies Rebro's video set in the distance, and notices that the cracked earth that makes up their dancing space represents an OH&S tripping hazard.  Not wanting to see her favourite k-pop group have to cancel schedules for knee reconstruction surgery, the girl throws teddy back in the dirt and goes to fetch her watering can to moisten the earth and give Rebro a safe space to bust out some proper boy-band dance moves instead of poncing around in the desert waving their arms like a bunch of preachers on acid.  Of course Rebro's dancing doesn't improve which makes the girl cry so in the dying seconds of the video she says "fuck it" and watches an old 5tion MV instead where at least they move around a bit more normally even if the song is garbage.

YouTube views at time of writing: 3411
Notable attribute: girl growing up during the video a great metaphor for how 5tion's fans all grew up and don't give a shit about Rebro
Nugu Alert rating: average



Kim Doe Hyun - Satbaman





It's one thing to have a plushie in your video but trot singer Kim Doe Hyun has taken things to the next level and infused his entire body with the spirit of the plush toy, weighing in with an impressive Shindongesque girth.  In "Satbaman" Kim Doe Hyun's crush rejects his advances and then she quickly gets abducted by a domestic violence prevention unit for her own safety and whisked to a secret location before he can return to retaliate.  Undeterred by this action Kim Doe Hyun sharpens up his martial arts skills and gets down to the business of reinforcing his patriarchal domination using the secret technique of judo jump-cuts.  The power of plushness infused into his flesh, the weapons of the brave domestic violence intervention officers break harmlessly across Kim Doe Hyun's soft man-meat, leaving them powerless to stop him from entering the curiously low-budget women's shelter and reclaiming the object of his deranged obsession with minimal effort.  Clearly a violent alcoholic who knows no limits, Kim Doe Hyun then swiftly passes out at the bar in a stupor after his revenge rampage.  Although the pro-domestic-violence message in the video is quite disconcerting and may prove understandably confronting and unpleasant to many viewers, for those with the mental fortitude to look past the music video's plot Kim Doe Hyun's clingy white man-boob-enhancing top and bulge-highlighting red shorts should provide all the soft squishiness anyone could need.

YouTube views at time of writing: 6866
Notable attribute: has a behind-the-scenes version, showcasing even more explicit ballbag shots without the towel in the way
Nugu Alert rating: extreme



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Thanks for reading another episode of Kpopalypse Nugu Alert!  Not many readers actually read these, so consider yourself special - and know that Nugu Alert will return in the future with more nugus!

Bump of Chicken - Butterfly

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I'm glad to see you UCAADs again. I worked 200 hours over the past two weeks, so that is why I have been MIA. I should have a more reasonable schedule the next two months (55-70 hours a week versus 100 a week), so I'll be posting again. The only other real changes are me taking over STFU and HYSF going back to doing the day-to-day writing I used to do and writing long articles. It looks like whoever touches the STFU series ends up cursed, so let's hope the STFU series doesn't kill me.

Anyway, I found out that Bump of Chicken is releasing a new album titled "Butterflies," and they recently released their music video for "Butterfly". This sound is different from what they usually do, but you can still hear their normal sound under the synth beats produced by the keyboard. I personally like the direction change for them, as BoC typically has slower songs and a light-rock feel to them, so the synth beats do add some oomph without drastically changing how their songs sound.

Back in the day, "Karma" was my shit. And yes, it's the theme for Tales of the Abyss, which is tied for my favorite game ever (the other being Persona 3).

Seolhyun Tries To Win Over America With Guns

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She succeeds in my book.

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I was bored and saw this on Asian Junkie, so I decided to post about it. Seolhyun poses in all black with guns for Sudden Attack which is some video game or something else I don't care about. Anyway there is an attractive woman with guns so any other Americans and gun loves can enjoy to the rest of this post. For the guns, of course.


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Guns and shit.

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This is 'Merica and Asia as one.

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It's always scarier when you're on the opposite end of the gun.

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I'm also 100% sure you could wind up shooting yourself in the hand posing with a gun like that but the point of this probably wasn't accuracy.

And for those of you who are disgusted by Americans and our love of guns there are these pictures:

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Who

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Could hate

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This?

No seriously, why does everyone seem to hate her? It makes no damn sense.

How I Would Deal With Dasom's Online T-ara Impersonator

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So Dasom has an Internet bully who obviously gets his inspiration from T-ara. This is how I would handle the situation if I was the CEO of Starship Entertainment.



Lawsuits will not work against deranged online bullies. Ignoring them will just cause the issue to get bigger, as the online bully will ramp up his attacks to get more attention. A drastic measure needs to be taken in order to deal with this problem once and for all.

My first step would be to trace the little shit down, which shouldn't be hard given how many cyber detectives there are among Korean netizens. After I find out his information thanks to netizens, I would hire a group of 6'5" 250 lb buff black dudes and send them to this guy's house so the black guys could beat the living shit out of him.

Naturally, this would lead to the online bully telling his side of the story about how he is a victim (getting his inspiration from Japan this time). So, if a dozen black dudes beating the shit out of you doesn't make you stop from harassing someone online, there's only one more way I could think of to make him stop.

I would take a group of reporters from Dispatch and other various news sites along with Dasom to the man's house. We would barge in and some of those big buff black dudes would hold the guy down and strip his clothes off. Dasom would put on a strap-on dildo. Not just any ordinary strap-on dildo, but one with the biggest circumference and length that she could find.

Dasom would proceed to peg the living shit out of him.

Without lube.

And the dude would start crying, and Dasom would use his tears as lube.

All of this would be filmed and distributed over the Internet.

After this, anyone who harassed any Starship idols would face the same treatment. Once they figured out their target idol was coming to peg them without lube, these online bullies would start doing ISIS-style apologies to save their anal virginity.
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