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Yura is a Whore on Weekly Idol
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Best of the Worst: Aug. 13, 2015
We've got quite a variety for you in this week's Best of the Worst. There's an actor who needs a police escort to use the bathroom, the gay community's list of favorite male idols, and a former kpop idol trying her hand at Chinese variety shows.
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- Jessica nervous to appear on Chinese swimming variety show.
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| But at least Hong Ki looked cool, right? |
- Simon D's story about how broke he is makes me sad. But then I listen to his new song, which fills me with a different kind of sadness.
- Fans wonder about Kiko and G-Dragon's relationship status after cryptic "Sex and the City" Instagram post.
- Is your male bias an icon for the gay community? Find out here!
- Yoona and Lee Seung Gi break up. Does anything last anymore?
- And winner of this week's I Can't Believe It's News Award: Dispatch runs out of celebrity dating scandals to break, fills the void with list of sexiest backsides in kpop.
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| I dream of the day in which I can be described by the phrase "Legs spread back line." Please wish me luck in my new goal. |
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The B Team: Laboum
The B Team is a series that focuses on the "lesser" known Kpop groups who aren't particularly popular. This time, the spotlight is on girl group Laboum, and I aim to introduce each member and share their various videos.
/This post is fairly image and gif heavy/
This six member girl group debuted with their "Pit a Pat" music video mid last year, Aug. 27, 2014. Laboum is a projects group under NH Media and Nega Network (NH has U-kiss as a notable group, and Nega has Brown Eyed Girls). Their companies state that "laboum" means "party" in French, so they choose to follow a cute/girly concept for their releases.
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Solbin
(Ahn Sol Bin, born Aug. 19, 1997)
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Soyeon
(Jung So Yeong, Born May 4, 1994)
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Yulhee
(Kim Yul Hee, born Nov. 27, 1997)
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ZN
(Bae Jin Ye, born June 9, 1994)
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***
Status: Actively doing live events, not currently promoting any comeback.
Solbin is currently on the reality show "Her Secret Weapon."
***
Videos:
>Hae In: "Sugar Sugar"
>Hae In: "Pit a Pat"
>Solbin: "Pit a Pat"
>ZN: "What About You"
>Yu Jeong: "Sugar Sugar"
>Yul Hee: "La Li La La" (aka the stand there and wave song)
***
These girls have consistently put out solid music and have just the right amount of cutesy in their concepts. While quality fancams are a pain to track down, Laboum is good enough to join the 2015 trend of nugu groups becoming decently popular through cute/innocent concept (like CLC, Playback, Oh My Girl) with the right management team behind them. Sadly, that's unlikely, so they will just stay around as filler in music shows for at least a year before they'll likely fade away. But we can always pray can't we? It'd be a shame to let ZN, HaeIn and Solbin fade out into nothing ...
***
Members:
Yu Jeong
(Kim Yu Jeong was born Feb. 14, 1992. She is the group's leader.)
Haein
(Yeom Hae In, born May 19, 1995)
Solbin
(Ahn Sol Bin, born Aug. 19, 1997)
Soyeon
(Jung So Yeong, Born May 4, 1994)
Yulhee
(Kim Yul Hee, born Nov. 27, 1997)
ZN
(Bae Jin Ye, born June 9, 1994)
***
Status: Actively doing live events, not currently promoting any comeback.
Solbin is currently on the reality show "Her Secret Weapon."
***
Videos:
>Hae In: "Sugar Sugar"
>Hae In: "Pit a Pat"
>Solbin: "Pit a Pat"
>ZN: "What About You"
>Yu Jeong: "Sugar Sugar"
>Yul Hee: "La Li La La" (aka the stand there and wave song)
***
These girls have consistently put out solid music and have just the right amount of cutesy in their concepts. While quality fancams are a pain to track down, Laboum is good enough to join the 2015 trend of nugu groups becoming decently popular through cute/innocent concept (like CLC, Playback, Oh My Girl) with the right management team behind them. Sadly, that's unlikely, so they will just stay around as filler in music shows for at least a year before they'll likely fade away. But we can always pray can't we? It'd be a shame to let ZN, HaeIn and Solbin fade out into nothing ...
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'Doctor Pepper' MV drops
I just happened to refresh Twitter at the right time to find out the most anticipated music video of the year had dropped. I am ashamed to say that I don't actually mind the song, though I am quite aware it is of no quality at all. But ya'll don't care about that do you? What we want is the music video, and the answer to the question "Does it live up to the oh-so-high expectations of western culture?"
Yes, of course, it does.
Sex appeal? Check.
Product placement? Check
More setting changes than there are cuts in a T-ara music video? Certainly
And it even has the added bonus of "trippy" dinosaurs.
Really though, all you'll need is a gif from 2:23-2:25.
Oh, and it also copies Orange Caramel's "My Copycat" with a game inside the video. Find all the Diplo faces:
The music video is worth a few re-watches to find all the hidden Diplo faces,
but if you don't want to fall that far, here are some of CL's highlights from it:
The music video isn't terrible. I was expecting worse, but it's decent. It does unfortunately feature everyone who works on the track, though, which is unnecessary when obviously this track is only CL and the only people who are going to watch it are there for her:
Don't worry guys: CL and the crew are already begging for forgiveness. It's ok.
/Please western industry don't judge us on CL's fans. We are trying to be serious. We also want to beg for forgiveness on behalf of any trouble these fans may or may not cause/
Anyway, watch the video. Have a laugh, enjoy it, and let me know how many Diplos (just the cutouts) you found.
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The only good version of 'It G Ma'
So "It G Ma" was a big k-hip-hop hit earlier this year.
Here's video for those of you who were lucky enough to miss it:
Well ... that was one of the worst songs ever (only the newest release from B-Free can beat it), but strangely almost every person in the Korean hip-hop scene was masturbating to it (well except for Dok2,since he's to heep-hap).
This shitty song is the reason why the latest song from Crush sucks so much ... not to mention it was pretty much a rip-off of some shitty American song.
But there's an upside to this: The person responsible for this shit, Keith Ape, ran off to the U.S., because he's too "famous" for some shitty Korea.
Unfortunately, Keith Ape recently decided to release a "remix" version or "It G Ma," which is ... well ...
... just as bad as original one ...
But wait, there's more!
Since "the third time's a charm," we got this brilliant version of "It G Ma":
That's the only acceptable iteration of the mess that is "It G Ma."
Here's video for those of you who were lucky enough to miss it:
Well ... that was one of the worst songs ever (only the newest release from B-Free can beat it), but strangely almost every person in the Korean hip-hop scene was masturbating to it (well except for Dok2,since he's to heep-hap).
This shitty song is the reason why the latest song from Crush sucks so much ... not to mention it was pretty much a rip-off of some shitty American song.
But there's an upside to this: The person responsible for this shit, Keith Ape, ran off to the U.S., because he's too "famous" for some shitty Korea.
Unfortunately, Keith Ape recently decided to release a "remix" version or "It G Ma," which is ... well ...
... just as bad as original one ...
But wait, there's more!
Since "the third time's a charm," we got this brilliant version of "It G Ma":
Underwater Squad (Pok E Ma) - Keith PrimeApe ft. The Squirtle ...
"Hey kids are you ready for the PokeTrap?!"
Posted by ThatGuyYouKnowww on Monday, 10 August 2015
That's the only acceptable iteration of the mess that is "It G Ma."
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HYSF Bias List
I had a draft of this article six months ago when Kpopalypse and Zaku both wrote their bias lists. I thought it was hilarious that both of them wrote their bias lists so close to each other, so my original plan was to quickly write a list just to mock those two. Then I got sidetracked (i.e., fapped a lot) when looking for pics, and the post sat on the backburner for a long time. Then I decided that I should make a little twist, a HYSF twice, for a bias list.
10. Park Gyuri (Kara)
Gyuri makes the list for reminding me of hot Latinas. Who in this world doesn't love a hot Latina? The main problem with Latinas is that a lot of them are extremely fat. I have no idea if the tacos and enchiladas are that bad for them, but most of the ones I have seen are really obese. There's nothing wrong with fat girls, as they are perfect for fucking during the winter because they throw off extra heat, but if I had a choice between a normal-sized Latina and a fat Latina, I'm going to choose the normal-sized Latina every time.
Sexual Fantasy: Gyuri and I would go around Korea collecting the tears of all of Kara’s haters in Korea. I’d use those tears as lubricant to finger fuck Gyuri so that she could squirt all over me. Then I’d sell the video in Japan and become a millionaire overnight.
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9. Naeun (A Pink)
Naeun, in another universe, would be my favorite A Pink member. She has one of the best faces in K-pop and definitely one of the best asses. I would definitely lick her asshole.
Sexual Fantasy: Naeun would dress up in a school girl outfit to keep the innocent girl guise. She’d wear a really short skirt and thigh high socks. I would rip her panties off and fuck her hard in the ass. We would preferably do it at her university so that even more people would be riled up that she “took someone’s spot” and all she’s doing with it is taking it up the ass from me.
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8. BoA
I became a fan of BoA during her latest comeback, as I really love the “Lick My Pussy” song, music video and album. I saw how hot she was and wanted to do her.
Sexual Fantasy: BoA is performing “Lick My Pussy” during a concert, and halfway through the song I rise onto stage and start licking her pussy, making her squirt in front of 100,000+ people. She would proceed to dance her choreographies while I’m fucking her in different positions.
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7. Lizzy (After School)
How could anyone not like Lizzy unless they're a douchebag? She's a porn addict like the best of us. That's really why she made the list. I also like that she's attractive, but doesn't fit the general beauty standards in Korea.
Sexual Fantasy: Make a porno together and make Lizzy the first KAV idol. The video would contain water sports, pegging, S&M, anal, a one-man bukkake from me, among various other acts that would make Lizzy extremely popular.
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6. Lee Hyoeun (Stellar)
Hyoeun reminds me a cute Korean girl I met during one of my tax classes.
Sexual Fantasy: We’d have a book of the U.S. Tax Code out and I’d fuck her so hard that she’d squirt all over the tax code, making it unreadable for anyone who picks up the book. Sadly, there are probably millions of these books in circulation and in electronic form, so she would have a lot of squirting to do.
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5. Song Dahye (BESTie)
Dahye just had to make my list. Aside from sulli_fag, I have the biggest ass fetish on this site and Dahye has one of the best asses in Kpop. It doesn't hurt that she also has the best face in BESTie, a group where every member is hot.
Sexual Fantasy: One day I join a yoga class as tax season is far too stressful some days. I need a way to decompress. I find that Dahye is in my yoga, and seeing her in her yoga clothes gives me the hardest boner ever. We then proceed to have sex in many different yoga positions, and due to my inflexibility, I end up in the hospital for two months. Dahye serves as my personal nurse during that time.
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4. Seo Yuna (AOA)
AOA is my third favorite girl group after A Pink and T-ara, and Yuna has the biggest tittays by far in the group.
Sexual Fantasy: I want Yuna to smother me with her tits and I want to tittyfuck her. I would coat her tits with my jizz, and when it hardens, she could have a new bra.
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3. Park Jiyeon (T-ara)
All hail the Cyclops Overlord. When I was first shown T-ara MVs by AKF, Jiyeon was an instant favorite of mine. Her cycloptic eyes make her unique in Korea, plus her body is really banging. Add in the fact that she's a superhero and how could I not like her?
Sexual Fantasy: I want Jiyeon to do a legit camming session. When she climaxes and squirts all over the cam, then she would shoot laser beams out of her eyes. Those laser beams would hit my dick and give it the power to fuck Jiyeon up the ass for hours at a time.
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2. Oh Hayoung (A Pink)
Hayoung really blossomed in the past couple of years and I'm so glad she turned 18. She kind of reminds me of one of those hot Arab/Persian chicks -- you know, the ones who are actually not covered head to toe on a daily basis. The plus side is that Hayoung doesn't have sand in her ass crack and vagina, so that makes her even hotter.
Sexual Fantasy: Since Hayoung faintly resembles an Arab chick, I want her to waterboard me with her squirting pussy.
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1. Han Hye Jin
This should come as no surprise. I've already explained it before. Essentially, I think Han Hye Jin is the pinnacle of Asian beauty. I would let her do anything to me.
Sexual Fantasy: Taking it up the ass from me the day before she gives labor right in front of her husband.
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*Disclaimer: Han Ye Seul wasn't put on this list because none of us are worthy of her. Not even Teddy. Dude must have a 4 inch dick, which is like 13 inches in comparison to other Koreans.*
10. Park Gyuri (Kara)
Gyuri makes the list for reminding me of hot Latinas. Who in this world doesn't love a hot Latina? The main problem with Latinas is that a lot of them are extremely fat. I have no idea if the tacos and enchiladas are that bad for them, but most of the ones I have seen are really obese. There's nothing wrong with fat girls, as they are perfect for fucking during the winter because they throw off extra heat, but if I had a choice between a normal-sized Latina and a fat Latina, I'm going to choose the normal-sized Latina every time.
Sexual Fantasy: Gyuri and I would go around Korea collecting the tears of all of Kara’s haters in Korea. I’d use those tears as lubricant to finger fuck Gyuri so that she could squirt all over me. Then I’d sell the video in Japan and become a millionaire overnight.
9. Naeun (A Pink)
Naeun, in another universe, would be my favorite A Pink member. She has one of the best faces in K-pop and definitely one of the best asses. I would definitely lick her asshole.
Sexual Fantasy: Naeun would dress up in a school girl outfit to keep the innocent girl guise. She’d wear a really short skirt and thigh high socks. I would rip her panties off and fuck her hard in the ass. We would preferably do it at her university so that even more people would be riled up that she “took someone’s spot” and all she’s doing with it is taking it up the ass from me.
8. BoA
I became a fan of BoA during her latest comeback, as I really love the “Lick My Pussy” song, music video and album. I saw how hot she was and wanted to do her.
Sexual Fantasy: BoA is performing “Lick My Pussy” during a concert, and halfway through the song I rise onto stage and start licking her pussy, making her squirt in front of 100,000+ people. She would proceed to dance her choreographies while I’m fucking her in different positions.
7. Lizzy (After School)
How could anyone not like Lizzy unless they're a douchebag? She's a porn addict like the best of us. That's really why she made the list. I also like that she's attractive, but doesn't fit the general beauty standards in Korea.
Sexual Fantasy: Make a porno together and make Lizzy the first KAV idol. The video would contain water sports, pegging, S&M, anal, a one-man bukkake from me, among various other acts that would make Lizzy extremely popular.
6. Lee Hyoeun (Stellar)
Hyoeun reminds me a cute Korean girl I met during one of my tax classes.
Sexual Fantasy: We’d have a book of the U.S. Tax Code out and I’d fuck her so hard that she’d squirt all over the tax code, making it unreadable for anyone who picks up the book. Sadly, there are probably millions of these books in circulation and in electronic form, so she would have a lot of squirting to do.
5. Song Dahye (BESTie)
Dahye just had to make my list. Aside from sulli_fag, I have the biggest ass fetish on this site and Dahye has one of the best asses in Kpop. It doesn't hurt that she also has the best face in BESTie, a group where every member is hot.
Sexual Fantasy: One day I join a yoga class as tax season is far too stressful some days. I need a way to decompress. I find that Dahye is in my yoga, and seeing her in her yoga clothes gives me the hardest boner ever. We then proceed to have sex in many different yoga positions, and due to my inflexibility, I end up in the hospital for two months. Dahye serves as my personal nurse during that time.
4. Seo Yuna (AOA)
AOA is my third favorite girl group after A Pink and T-ara, and Yuna has the biggest tittays by far in the group.
Sexual Fantasy: I want Yuna to smother me with her tits and I want to tittyfuck her. I would coat her tits with my jizz, and when it hardens, she could have a new bra.
3. Park Jiyeon (T-ara)
All hail the Cyclops Overlord. When I was first shown T-ara MVs by AKF, Jiyeon was an instant favorite of mine. Her cycloptic eyes make her unique in Korea, plus her body is really banging. Add in the fact that she's a superhero and how could I not like her?
Sexual Fantasy: I want Jiyeon to do a legit camming session. When she climaxes and squirts all over the cam, then she would shoot laser beams out of her eyes. Those laser beams would hit my dick and give it the power to fuck Jiyeon up the ass for hours at a time.
2. Oh Hayoung (A Pink)
Hayoung really blossomed in the past couple of years and I'm so glad she turned 18. She kind of reminds me of one of those hot Arab/Persian chicks -- you know, the ones who are actually not covered head to toe on a daily basis. The plus side is that Hayoung doesn't have sand in her ass crack and vagina, so that makes her even hotter.
Sexual Fantasy: Since Hayoung faintly resembles an Arab chick, I want her to waterboard me with her squirting pussy.
1. Han Hye Jin
This should come as no surprise. I've already explained it before. Essentially, I think Han Hye Jin is the pinnacle of Asian beauty. I would let her do anything to me.
Sexual Fantasy: Taking it up the ass from me the day before she gives labor right in front of her husband.
*Disclaimer: Han Ye Seul wasn't put on this list because none of us are worthy of her. Not even Teddy. Dude must have a 4 inch dick, which is like 13 inches in comparison to other Koreans.*
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Kpopalypse Fashion Class - polka dots
Hi there, cao ni mas! Since Seoul Fashion Week is coming up soon, Kpopalypse is back with another episode of the much-loved Kpopalypse Fashion Class, and this time we're delving into the fascinating world of polka dots! This post contains all the trufax you need to know on how to use polka dots to enhance female boobs and look hot, or to make someone else look hot, with lots of k-pop girls as examples! Grab yourself a drink and let's get started!
![polkaraina]()
Some history: polka dots were invented as a clothing pattern at the same time and place as the Polka dance, in 19th century Eastern Europe. However the fashion and the dance aren't directly related, they just happened to become popular at the same time. Okay, that's the historic portion of this post over, let's now move on to important things like TITS.
Polka dots, much like horizontal stripes, are know to possess form-enhancing properties. However, there are some rules. Let's look at some examples so we can better determine the correct utilisation of polka dots.
![eunjyellowpo]()
Firstly, it should be noted that dots that are just randomly placed on a garment will not have the desired effect. You can't just whack a dot anywhere and hope for the best, as Eunjung's costume designer seems to have done above.
![iu340]()
This picture of IU is another demonstration of incorrect pattern use. The irregular pattern is confusing to the eye and therefore provides no boob enhancement. Note that the polka dot pattern is very specific. Dot patterns should conform to the following specific diagonal grid-based pattern for maximum fap effect:
![220px-Polka_dots.svg]()
The specificity of the pattern may seem odd but the regularity provides a helpful way to discern form. The proof is in the results - here is the correct polka dot pattern this time applied to Eunjung.
![eunredpo copy]()
The resulting application of polka dots gives a nice contouring effect to Eunjung's upper body and allows for greater depth perception.
![2Fbion]()
I don't know who the fuck this girl is because I don't watch k-dramas, she looks a bit like Bom on drugs (i.e she looks a bit like Bom) but her clothing is a good demonstration of another important facet of polka dot styling which is that the dots have to be close together. Large spaces between the dots in the pattern reduce the contouring effect and won't give the desired enhancement.
The pattern isn't the only factor to consider, there is also a maximum allowable dot size limit.
![poklakrystal]()
For the purposes of optimising clothing for boob enhancement smaller dots are better. Krystal's polka dots here are slightly above the ideal size limit for any enhancement effect to occur.
![Sulli_Ceci2]()
Ex-groupmate and partner in crime Sulli has the right idea, and her form actually comes off looking a bit more curvy thanks to correct polka dot size even though in reality Krystal is bustier. The slightly irregular pattern is a downside but it's not as irregular as IU's pattern earlier and the spacing is still consistent enough with small enough dots to give the right effect. This isn't pseudoscience or Kpopalypse just making up this shit for fun, this is a known phenomenon called the Ebbinghaus illusion and can be observed thusly:
![ebbing]()
Both orange dots in the above picture are in fact the same size but the orange dot on the left seems smaller at first glance because it's surrounded by other bigger dots. Likewise, bigger dots on fabric will make any other nearby features like the curves underneath the fabric seem smaller, whereas smaller dots will make these features increase in apparent volume. Imagine that the grey dots are the dots on a dress and the orange dot is the boob you're trying to enhance. The Ebbinghaus illusion is a known truth of graphic and clothing design. In k-pop, costume designers even exploit this illusion to even out discrepancies.
![soypok]()
Soyeon on the left isn't as busty as Jiyeon or Hyomin behind her, but the relatively smaller dot pattern on her clothing helps her maximise apparent volume perception.
![sunnypoly]()
Colour is also important. Sunny's dress colours here aren't optimal for boob enhancement, mind you Sunny is quite busty anyway so she needs little help in this area. The best options, in order from most effective to least, are:
![che1]()
![tiffpok]()
Tiffany manages to compete with Sunny's volume quite easily just by using the most ideal dot colour combination (black on white), even though Tiffany is definitely not as top-heavy.
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Different colour combinations can work well as Soyeon demonstrates, the key is high contrast between the dots and their background.
![Sully-2]()
Sulli looks great here but as far as her boobs are concerned she may as well not have wasted her time with white-on-white polka dots.
The last and probably most obvious thing to consider is that clothes need to be form-fitting around the area that you want to enhance.
![Qr4]()
Qri looks great here and even busty but it's actually the frills that are providing the busty effect (frills may be covered in a future edition of Kpopalypse Fashion Class). The actual dots aren't providing any apparent volume increase to her boobs in this circumstance.
![sunnyh]()
Sunny Hill demonstrate the effect of clothes where the dots follow form closely, as well as the relative bustiness produced by differently sized dots of the same colour. Strange as it may seem, a plunging neckline of polkadots actually reduces apparent boob size, because the neckline appears bigger than the boobs it's inviting you to look at - the Ebbinghaus illusion in effect once again.
![ecret]()
Notoriously well-endowed Hyosung from Secret is wearing polka dots here but doesn't noticeably out-bust the other members of her group here because what she's wearing just isn't that form-fitting. The other members also have thicker layers of clothing to make up the shortfall. Yes k-pop stylists think of this shit, you can bet that the first thing they do when planning an MV shoot is have a discussion where they say "okay, how are we going to make this work so Hyosung's tits looks great but so do the others". The stylist here aimed for "equal bustiness".
![iss-a]()
JYP doesn't give a crap about "equal bustiness" though, he gave the members of miss A all the same clothes here. I guess it figures that he didn't really put much thought into it as he's an ass man.
Here's an iconic T-ara performance which reverses the miss A look, with polka dotted jackets and plain colours underneath. The effect is broad-shouldered as a result of the dots sitting on their shoulders, and the less booby girls have been given lots of extra layers and accessories underneath so they can keep up with the more plainly-styled Hyomin and Jiyeon. Look closely and you can see that the polka dots here are in fact stars - a "polka dot like" object will suffice if it's symmetrical and utilised in the same proportion and pattern as polka dots.
The final example is Orange Caramel. The boob size scale of Orange Caramel is Raina > Lizzy > Nana, therefore Nana gets the dots snugly fitted on her boobs to boost them, Lizzy gets no dots, and Raina gets dots on her accessories instead to reduce her boob size. Orange Caramel's stylists use the power of polka dots to either enhance or distract, and achieve apparent "equal bustiness" easily.
Anyway, that's it for another Kpopalypse Fashion Class! Hopefully you learned something along the way, or if not, maybe you fapped to cute k-pop girls!
![rainadot]()
Some history: polka dots were invented as a clothing pattern at the same time and place as the Polka dance, in 19th century Eastern Europe. However the fashion and the dance aren't directly related, they just happened to become popular at the same time. Okay, that's the historic portion of this post over, let's now move on to important things like TITS.
Polka dots, much like horizontal stripes, are know to possess form-enhancing properties. However, there are some rules. Let's look at some examples so we can better determine the correct utilisation of polka dots.
Firstly, it should be noted that dots that are just randomly placed on a garment will not have the desired effect. You can't just whack a dot anywhere and hope for the best, as Eunjung's costume designer seems to have done above.
This picture of IU is another demonstration of incorrect pattern use. The irregular pattern is confusing to the eye and therefore provides no boob enhancement. Note that the polka dot pattern is very specific. Dot patterns should conform to the following specific diagonal grid-based pattern for maximum fap effect:
The specificity of the pattern may seem odd but the regularity provides a helpful way to discern form. The proof is in the results - here is the correct polka dot pattern this time applied to Eunjung.
The resulting application of polka dots gives a nice contouring effect to Eunjung's upper body and allows for greater depth perception.
I don't know who the fuck this girl is because I don't watch k-dramas, she looks a bit like Bom on drugs (i.e she looks a bit like Bom) but her clothing is a good demonstration of another important facet of polka dot styling which is that the dots have to be close together. Large spaces between the dots in the pattern reduce the contouring effect and won't give the desired enhancement.
The pattern isn't the only factor to consider, there is also a maximum allowable dot size limit.
For the purposes of optimising clothing for boob enhancement smaller dots are better. Krystal's polka dots here are slightly above the ideal size limit for any enhancement effect to occur.
Ex-groupmate and partner in crime Sulli has the right idea, and her form actually comes off looking a bit more curvy thanks to correct polka dot size even though in reality Krystal is bustier. The slightly irregular pattern is a downside but it's not as irregular as IU's pattern earlier and the spacing is still consistent enough with small enough dots to give the right effect. This isn't pseudoscience or Kpopalypse just making up this shit for fun, this is a known phenomenon called the Ebbinghaus illusion and can be observed thusly:
Both orange dots in the above picture are in fact the same size but the orange dot on the left seems smaller at first glance because it's surrounded by other bigger dots. Likewise, bigger dots on fabric will make any other nearby features like the curves underneath the fabric seem smaller, whereas smaller dots will make these features increase in apparent volume. Imagine that the grey dots are the dots on a dress and the orange dot is the boob you're trying to enhance. The Ebbinghaus illusion is a known truth of graphic and clothing design. In k-pop, costume designers even exploit this illusion to even out discrepancies.
Soyeon on the left isn't as busty as Jiyeon or Hyomin behind her, but the relatively smaller dot pattern on her clothing helps her maximise apparent volume perception.
Colour is also important. Sunny's dress colours here aren't optimal for boob enhancement, mind you Sunny is quite busty anyway so she needs little help in this area. The best options, in order from most effective to least, are:
- Dark dots on a white background
- White dots on a dark background
- Any two colours on opposite ends of the colour wheel (complementary colours)
- Anything else
Tiffany manages to compete with Sunny's volume quite easily just by using the most ideal dot colour combination (black on white), even though Tiffany is definitely not as top-heavy.
Different colour combinations can work well as Soyeon demonstrates, the key is high contrast between the dots and their background.
Sulli looks great here but as far as her boobs are concerned she may as well not have wasted her time with white-on-white polka dots.
The last and probably most obvious thing to consider is that clothes need to be form-fitting around the area that you want to enhance.
Qri looks great here and even busty but it's actually the frills that are providing the busty effect (frills may be covered in a future edition of Kpopalypse Fashion Class). The actual dots aren't providing any apparent volume increase to her boobs in this circumstance.
Sunny Hill demonstrate the effect of clothes where the dots follow form closely, as well as the relative bustiness produced by differently sized dots of the same colour. Strange as it may seem, a plunging neckline of polkadots actually reduces apparent boob size, because the neckline appears bigger than the boobs it's inviting you to look at - the Ebbinghaus illusion in effect once again.
Notoriously well-endowed Hyosung from Secret is wearing polka dots here but doesn't noticeably out-bust the other members of her group here because what she's wearing just isn't that form-fitting. The other members also have thicker layers of clothing to make up the shortfall. Yes k-pop stylists think of this shit, you can bet that the first thing they do when planning an MV shoot is have a discussion where they say "okay, how are we going to make this work so Hyosung's tits looks great but so do the others". The stylist here aimed for "equal bustiness".
JYP doesn't give a crap about "equal bustiness" though, he gave the members of miss A all the same clothes here. I guess it figures that he didn't really put much thought into it as he's an ass man.
Here's an iconic T-ara performance which reverses the miss A look, with polka dotted jackets and plain colours underneath. The effect is broad-shouldered as a result of the dots sitting on their shoulders, and the less booby girls have been given lots of extra layers and accessories underneath so they can keep up with the more plainly-styled Hyomin and Jiyeon. Look closely and you can see that the polka dots here are in fact stars - a "polka dot like" object will suffice if it's symmetrical and utilised in the same proportion and pattern as polka dots.
The final example is Orange Caramel. The boob size scale of Orange Caramel is Raina > Lizzy > Nana, therefore Nana gets the dots snugly fitted on her boobs to boost them, Lizzy gets no dots, and Raina gets dots on her accessories instead to reduce her boob size. Orange Caramel's stylists use the power of polka dots to either enhance or distract, and achieve apparent "equal bustiness" easily.
Anyway, that's it for another Kpopalypse Fashion Class! Hopefully you learned something along the way, or if not, maybe you fapped to cute k-pop girls!
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Why Do Female Idols Have It Rough?
From collecting answers through the Internet, it seems to be a combination of the fan gender ratio in kpop as well as internalized misogyny. Those are easy answers to throw out just to shut people up, but what does that actually mean?
If you go on Netizen Buzz, and bring this point up, you will get tons of nuisances throwing shit at you complaining about why people always bring up the "injustice" of female idols. What they don't realize is that, if you don't speak up about certain things, nothing will change. In a perfect world, this argument wouldn't need to be brought up, but we don't live in a perfect world, and this issue still exists.
OBSERVATION #1:
Fun story: When my mom was a teenager back in the '70s, gender didn't factor into whether or not she liked someone more. She was much like Kpopalypse in the sense that "If they looked good, that was just a plus. If their songs were bad, I wouldn't listen to them." And she said this whole battle of the sexes thing that plagues pop music fans today didn't exist back then, at least among the people she knew.
So why did everything change? Well, you can blame '90s pop music for that.
In the '90s, there was a shift in the pop music trend, and the big groups where either all male (Backstreet Boys, NSYNC) or all female (Spice Girls, TLC). In the past, there had been all male and female groups, but in the '90s, there was an extremely heavy play on them, and so did the ideas of fandoms and each group having one set of fans just for them. Yeah, Kpopalypse wasn't shitting when he said every k-pop group ever is pretty much based off Spice Girls and NKOTB.
But didn't groups back in the day have all female and male? The answer is yes and no. The people that were put out front to sing and dance were typically all one gender, but if you were a group of female vocalist, you typically had males playing instruments, and if you had a male band group, you typically had female back-up singers.
Here's an example from "Dreamgirls," a 2006 movie roughly based off the lives of The Supremes.
And the iconic k-pop concept version of it: Wonder Girls - "Nobody"
So reason one:Heavy stress on single-gender groups
OBSERVATION #2:
In the female-fan heavily dominated world, cute boys are expected to draw in girls and cute girls are expected to draw in boys. But if everyone is only focused on one, then how come female idols get hated on by girls who claim to have never liked them in the first place?
This is nothing new to k-pop, and it most certainly isn't to American pop or any other genre that has boy groups and girl groups. Don't be fooled: Miley, Ariana, and Nicki all get slut shamed just as much if not more than T-ara, Girl's Day, and Stellar. The reason for this is simple, pseudo feminism. Pseudo feminism was popular for a while, and I'm glad to see a lot of people realizing that was bullshit and that it's dying down slightly. People will claim "As a feminist, I am offended by Girl's Day's concepts because they are trashy sexy, not classy sexy like Ga-In." In actuality, these people just aren't knowledgeable that female sexuality goes beyond what Ga-In does, and that it has both "trashy" and "classy" sides to it. They have been warped that being a feminist means being conservative, when it's pretty much the exact opposite. It's about expressing your sexuality whether it is conservative or not and not letting other people get in the way of that.
Look, being conservative is fine. Hell, I'm not flashy personally. But it's another thing when you try to dictate what people can and cannot do. That's the problem with it.
Reason two:Pseudo-feminism/morally conservative dictatorship
OBSERVATION #3:
Don't even ask how I managed to properly screen cap this. I just lucked up.
Boy groups are marketed to seem like their fangirls are worthy of them just as girl groups are marketed to fanboys. They are warped into thinking they actually have a chance with their oppar even though they have a better chance of winning an Olympic Gold Medal. This is why they feel "strong connections" to them. It's in the marketing, and it's a bunch of white noise stuff that I'm not going to get into mainly because Kpopalypse or Ahjussi could do it better.
However, media in society sucks. Not only do they promote hot-boys-that-you-know-deep-down-inside-you-will-never-really-have-a-chance-don't-look-at-me-like-that-you-know-it's-true, but they also have hot girls who are unfairly pretty and way closer to your crush than you could ever dream (unless you're a sasaeng, but then again, you've already kissed your chances goodbye by becoming one of those). So naturally, you're going to see them as some sort of threat to you from getting that Shindong dick. So what do they do? They try to ruin the girls's image every chance they get by hyping up the most minuscule of "scandals" in the hopes of forming a witch hunt.
Now, the reason they want a witch hunt is because they hope that by showing these female idols "true colors" that their oppar will see them as too low to date, thus eliminating their threat. But it obviously doesn't work as the T-ara members that are confirmed to be dating are dating some pretty high-profile dudes who are well liked by the public and obviously like them enough they don't care if their reputation gets dragged in the process.
You see how this could be damaging to a co-ed group?
Reason three:Threat to oppa complex
OBSERVATION #4:
Finally, we have the biggest one, which is a combination of all — the shielding of fandoms. If Big Bang didn't have the support system they did, as well as coming from a Top 3 company, they would have probably been buried before you could say "Marijuana," "Jizz On Titties," and "Audi." Big Bang's scandals make the Girl's Day scandal look like an argument between a brother and sister over who gets the last cookie. But because VIPs are some of the most driven fans on the fucking planet (like Jesus Christ, take a chill pill once in a fucking while), Big Bang is able to prevail and prosper damn near untouched. Oh, they still get a ton of hate, a lot of big-name boy groups get lots of hate. But their fans shield and support them so "well" that they are able to have welcomed comebacks and achieve all-kills.
Now, this isn't inherently a fangirl's fault, but dig a little deeper. People always ask, "Why don't fanboys shield their noonas?" and I thought of this too. Are they lacking determination, or are they spending all of it on fapping? Or, do they just not care? The answer COULD be that, and it could also be that since there is a greater amount of fangirls, the fanboys shielding gets overlooked by all of the hate that gets spread by the antis. I honestly don't know, but what I do know is it's rare that female idols get the shield of approval. But it isn't impossible to find. Just look at Hyuna's new teaser:
Sure, you have the typical "She's such a whore" in the comments section, but those are actually the minority. Majority of the comments I've seen (as of the time I've last viewed it, Aug. 11) is stuff like "OMG Hyuna's such a queen!" and "Yassss, slay queen." and "She's a sexy goddess queen" and a bunch of other idiotic shit that's worth a thousand STFUs. But um, Hyuna's doing shit that blasts every other raunchy concept in k-pop out of the water. She's naked, drinking, having a party in a frat in Kentucky (Maliblah blah blah, it's fucking Kentucky), implied cocaine use, and an implied blow job. Meanwhile Stellar hump a floor and have a couple of vagina symbols in their mv and get shitted on?
Someone actually brought this up and got replies like "OMG don't compare, Hyuna doesn't look forced and try-hardy, Stellar does." ect. (I should submit these for STFU, but I can't screen cap.) Oh fucking please, while Hyuna's teaser is glorious, it's very try-hardy. But hey, try hard or don't try at all is what I say.
Just listen to those fangirls cheer her on:
That's some cold-hard stanning right there. Fuck worrying about your boyfriend fapping to Hyuna — worry about your girlfriend fapping to Hyuna.
Reason four:Extremely one-sided fandom shielding
So there's my first article for AKF; I hoped you guys liked it. At the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is disappoint anybody. I wanted to have a conclusion here, but it pretty much writes itself. Now of course, fanboys are not excluded from any of the fuckery above, either. It's just less seen from them, and they're annoying in other ways that I may or may not write about depending on the demand. But it does happen. Also, I'm not saying male idols don't have it rough, either, but again, they have it rough in different ways that I may or may not blog about depending on if it gets demanded.
At the end of the day, these are just my thoughts on the subject matter. It's not like I wasn't a delusional fangirl in the past, but we all reflect and return with more mature images when we're exposed to new way of looking at something, and hopefully, I helped someone like this blog helped me.
Reason four:Extremely one-sided fandom shielding
So there's my first article for AKF; I hoped you guys liked it. At the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is disappoint anybody. I wanted to have a conclusion here, but it pretty much writes itself. Now of course, fanboys are not excluded from any of the fuckery above, either. It's just less seen from them, and they're annoying in other ways that I may or may not write about depending on the demand. But it does happen. Also, I'm not saying male idols don't have it rough, either, but again, they have it rough in different ways that I may or may not blog about depending on if it gets demanded.
At the end of the day, these are just my thoughts on the subject matter. It's not like I wasn't a delusional fangirl in the past, but we all reflect and return with more mature images when we're exposed to new way of looking at something, and hopefully, I helped someone like this blog helped me.
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The struggle of stanning male groups
I've been struggling to keep up to date with the latest releases in K-pop in the past few months due to other obligations I have. But I recently stumbled across SHINee's new dance performance "Married to the Music" and was reminded of how terrible it is to be someone with some form of fashion sense and stan male groups. It's a real struggle to be excited for new live performances for a group when the concept outfits make them look like utter knobs.
This is something that doesn't particularly come up within girl groups. I mean unless you are 2NE1 or Crayon Pop who tend to come out with weird outfits...
...but somehow, girl groups can generally pass with these. Averagely speaking, I'd say at least half of a male group music video outfits make them look terrible. Using the SHINee picture below as an example, these outfits are terrible, except for maybe Jonghyun (in the middle), is kind of all right. Key (the very right), has poodle hair for one, which is just an act against nature. No one can pull off poodle hair. His suit jacket is two vastly different shades of grey and his pants are tucked into his socks. Not to mention his shirt is a bright orange which doesn't even match anything he is wearing, or the other members. Thus I can safely tell you, there is no way this look could be appealing to anyone who isn't a fan of SHINee. Which means me. I empathize with any SHINee stans who have to convince themselves that there bias looks some what attractive when they are wearing clothes like this and have terrible hair styles.
SHINee could also be considered notorious for having a terrible fashion sense, going back to their debut.
With the K-pop business largely revolving around the attractiveness of each member, I'm honestly left wondering why some of these male idols are given such poor stylists. Take Hyunseung for example:
/image from previous article by Fany Pack/
This Beast member is generally solo'd out by his stylist due to his abhorrent styling. And I'm convinced that stylists actually have no say in any look they are forced to give the idol they are paired up with, instead they are given a poorly drawn picture, probably from a 5 year old, and told to make them look exactly like it. Because that is the only explanation I can conjure. Because if stylists did have a say we wouldn't be having this issue right now, everyone would look flawless. But instead, I get to point out terrible terrible crimes of fashion in the male idol world.
You might be wondering who this nugu group is, this is JJCC, also know as Jackie Jackie Chan Chan Jackie Chan Joint Cultures. And the only reason I'm telling you that is because not only does this group have terrible fashion styling, the styling is probably approved by Jackie Chan. And whilst this group ranks fairly high up on my bias list, I can not let Prince Mak's outfit in this video slide. The rest I am willing to look past, but this:
Is just heinous, nauseating and offensive. A plastic red jacket and that curl? Please stop.
This one shouldn't be a surprise as JYP debuted these boys in these abhorrent outfits
and they will probably be stuck in a similar situation to SHINee, where the majority of there outfits suck, which is sad because all of these boys are attractive, but when you put them into outfits like this:
and:
You make me wonder how I could ever think any member could be attractive. First off, whilst both outfits are coordinated, they are too coordinated and they don't work. The high-waisted pants / overalls are in general an unappealing look, but when all seven members are wearing them, you can really tell how ugly they are. And the trash bag look of the all black is just wrong.
Big Bang is yet another group with an absurd amount of music videos with terrible fashion sense. I could probably put any music video here and tell you how each member isn't attractive just due to their choice of clothes and hair which is a shame because all of these members have the ability to be attractive, and they are when their in normal clothes. It's just their stylists abuse their popularity and just use these music videos as a contest to see who can dress up their idol to look the stupidest and still manage to have fans call them attractive? This one would have to be a tie between Daesung and T.O.P...
Now, I can bag on and on about groups I barely care about. But to truly show you my point, I will go through my personal experience with BTS's last comeback. Now I know I gushed on and on over how attractive several of the members are when I covered the release of this music video, but you'd need to understand the date of the article verse the date of the music video. I wrote the article at least a good 4 days after it was released, which meant I had time to adjust to my biases outfits. Jungkooks generic cop outfit? It's terrible, I hate it, I will never not hate it. It looks cheap and like it was bought from a 99 cent costume store. But I've adjusted, and whilst I think it looks stupid - it kind of looks attractive on Jungkook. It's a confusing struggle. J-hope, on the other hand, is not my bias, and I still don't think he looks the least bit attractive in this music video. He's looked attractive in other videos, but this one? Nope. Why? Because his outfit (+ hair) is terrible.
Why is it universally agreed by companies that boy groups must have at least half their music videos in atrocious outfits? That there hair must also be equally as bad? Even if the group has a member who isn't conventionally attractive, why is the rest of the group brought down? Play to the members strengths, if they look good with long (too male standards...) hair, then don't cut their hair. If they have good body proportions, give them tighter clothes, if they look like sticks give them baggier clothes. It's not rocket science. If the majority of girl groups can turn even their least attractive member into a very attractive member, then so can boy groups.
Looking back at these it's no wonder why I made the move to female groups, they are just more aesthetically pleasing with their music videos. It's extremely difficult not to look somewhat hot as a female idol in a music video. Although one can hold personal preference in a group, which leads member x looking like shit compared to the rest of the members. This doesn't lead to 90% of the viewers thinking member x looks like shit in girl groups. With boy groups, it's pretty much undisputed that member x looks like shit within the fandom just due to their clothing... It's a real struggle for those who take hair / fashion sense into consideration when judging the attractiveness of members, and this sadly really only effects those interested with male groups. If someone knows of a male group who hasn't had a comeback with terrible outfits at some point in their career, please let me know.
/also this struggle explains the lack of boy group posts on this site, as why would you interested in male groups when female idols just do it so much better/
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Why Jessica Really Left SNSD, Part Two
Finally, part two of the fic is here. I was really busy over the summer, so I didn’t have the creative juices to continue writing a fic like this working the hours I was given.
Read part one here.
After EXO had finished their practice, Jessica walked through the door and greeted all of the members. The rest of the EXO members started salivating, because this was the first scent of pussy not from a zit-covered fangirl that they’d been able to smell in a week. The EXO members had spent the entire past week cooped in a cramped dance room, where they would practice their choreography upwards of 16 hours per day. Sweat perspired from their ball sacks constantly, enough ball sweat to end California’s current drought. Given that the members had very little time to shower throughout the day, the dance room reeked of ball sack and ass crack sweat. Even a sweaty vagina from Jessica would be more preferable than the ball sweat of 11 other dudes.
Kris took notice, and he was already rocking wood in his pants. Everyone in SM Entertainment knew that he wanted to fuck Jessica badly – it was even rumored that he would let Jessica peg him if it meant that he could finally have sex with a woman instead of gargling on several different flavors of kimchi dick.
“Hey Jessica,” said Kris. Jessica glanced at him and looked at the other members. Kris was a little distraught, as he wanted more attention from Jessica. Jessica knew that all too well, which is why she was paying the other members more attention.
“How are things going for you guys?” asked Jessica. The members looked back up with her, not even uttering a word. The massive amount of perspiration and dreary looks on the members’ face were adequately conveying how the members felt.
“I was wondering if you guys wanted to hang out later tonight,” uttered Jessica as she looked at each member. The other EXO members looked at each and nodded. Baekhyun stepped up from the crowd and cleared his throat, as if he was trying to remove Taeyeon’s pussy juices that were causing him to cough all day.
“I’ll have to politely decline,” started Baekhyun. He glanced over towards Kris and slightly nodded. “Taeyeon said she wanted to pee in my face tonight, so I have to go prepare a bunch of plastic bed sheets.” Baekhyun walked by Kris and put his hand on his shoulder before heading out the door.
Tao looked around while no one was saying anything. “The rest of us want to go watch this new gay porno from Japan that we almost were cast for.” The other members nodded their heads and followed Tao out of the door. Kris was the only one who didn’t follow Tao.
“Well, it looks like it’s the two of us,” stated Kris, beaming with a grin that was genuine, unlike the many fake grins he put on for Lee Soo Man while licking his asshole.
“Just what I wanted,” thought Jessica to herself. “Kris, meet me out in the pool in 10 minutes.”
Kris nodded and quickly ran back to his dorm room so he could shower and get his swimming trunks. While in the shower, he looked down at his dick, and it was harder than a final exam in Calculus 3. “Should I have a quick fap and get it out of my system now?” Kris asked out loud to himself.
He decided not to fap and and quickly got out of the shower and put on some boxers and swimming trunks. He was ecstatic to go out to the pool to meet Jessica.
Kris opened the door that lead out to the pool and saw Jessica in a red bikini. He saw Jessica turn around and saw the bottom of her bikini barely being able to contain her ass within. Jessica noticed and quickly stretched forward to grab her ankles. She was making it look like she was stretching her hamstrings, but her camel toe was clearly visible to Kris. Kris noticed and his dick was throbbing, ready to conquer Jessica’s wet pussy.
Kris walked over to Jessica and put his left hand on her tit, but Jessica brushed his hand off and kicked the back of his right ankle, causing him to trip backwards onto his ass. Jessica stepped on his dick with her left foot and then knelt down on top of him.
“Kris, I have a real reason that I wanted you to come out here,” said Jessica as she grabbed Kris by the collar.
“I knew my dream was too good to come true. My dream can make me come, but I can’t make it come true,” he sighed.
“Whatever,” stated Jessica. “I wanted to know how you like it in SM and in EXO.”
“Honestly, I don’t like it,” replied Kris. “I hardly get any lines, I don’t get any solo projects in Korea, and I don’t see my career advancing here. Plus I’m tired of being butt fucked by the other members.”
“That’s precisely your problem,” laughed Jessica. “I can get what I want while someone like you wallows in pity, hoping that holding out will solve the problem.”
“Well, what can I actually do?” asked Kris. “The system makes me powerless. Sure, I make a better living than most people, but I’m just a cog.”
“Assert your will,” explained Jessica. “Only when you are assertive you can get what you desire. What is it that you desire?”
“I want to go to China and have an acting career. I can’t get any acting gigs in career because my Korean speaking ability sucks more dick than I do,” lamented Kris.
“Well, you just have to quit being a member of EXO,” suggested Jessica.
“I can’t do that,” said Kris. “I would be betraying EXO and SM.”
“That’s your problem,” said Jessica while enlightening Kris. “You’re being an altruistic dildo. You’re putting the interests of a group of people who butt fuck you every night instead of worrying about your own God damn self.”
“But I feel like I would be betraying everyone,” replied Kris.
“Fuck the feelings of other people,” said Jessica. “Do what is best for yourself and don’t worry about the feelings of others. Those who are altruistic are weak because they lack conviction for themselves,” said Jessica as she started taking her top off.
Kris’s eyes widened as he was having a hard time continuing to listen to what Jessica was explaining.
“Obtain what you desire,” stated Jessica as she also took off her bottom. She pushed Kris to the ground and sat on his face.
“Lick it,” she said. Kris could only comply as he started licking Jessica’s pussy.
“Finally,” thought Kris. He had to lick many orifices in his day, but this was the first time he wasn’t licking another dude’s asshole.
“Kris, let me show you how it is that I can get people to comply with what I want. This method only works for me, so you’ll have to find your own method.”
Jessica stood up and inserted two fingers up into her pussy and started spinning them clockwise and then counterclockwise while going in and out. A minute later, a stream of pussy juice flowed out of Jessica’s pussy straight into Kris’ face. Kris reacted by opening his mouth and tasted Jessica’s sweet pussy juices.
“Normally, guys love to have girls squirt in their faces,” smirked Jessica as she bent down and grabbed two pairs of handcuffs that were beside a chair. Jessica shoved Kris into the chair and cuffed each hand to an arm of the chair. She put the folding chair back so that Kris was lying perpendicular to the ground. Jessica grabbed a towel and threw it over Kris’ face. She stood with her legs spread apart and mere inches from Kris’ face.
“You’re familiar with waterboarding, aren’t you?” asked Jessica as she grabbed a vibrator. “It’s the preferred method of torture in the United States, and I found out that I can effectively waterboard whoever the fuck I want,” said Jessica as she ramped up the vibrator to full speed.
Jessica was spraying pussy juices by the quart, and Kris was screaming each time. Like traditional waterboarding, Jessica’s pussy squirt waterboarding was physical torture and psychological torture. Kris was feeling the drowning sensation that people experience when they are waterboarding, but with Jessica’s waterboarding, they are missing out of having their faces splashed with pussy nectar. Kris couldn’t take anymore, as he was violently shaking so that he could get out of the chair.
“Peg me, give me a Cleveland steamer to the face, whatever, just let me taste your pussy juices!” Kris wailed.
“File a lawsuit against SM and withdraw from EXO, and you’ll have an endless supply of my pussy juices,” stated Jessica.
After EXO had finished their practice, Jessica walked through the door and greeted all of the members. The rest of the EXO members started salivating, because this was the first scent of pussy not from a zit-covered fangirl that they’d been able to smell in a week. The EXO members had spent the entire past week cooped in a cramped dance room, where they would practice their choreography upwards of 16 hours per day. Sweat perspired from their ball sacks constantly, enough ball sweat to end California’s current drought. Given that the members had very little time to shower throughout the day, the dance room reeked of ball sack and ass crack sweat. Even a sweaty vagina from Jessica would be more preferable than the ball sweat of 11 other dudes.
Kris took notice, and he was already rocking wood in his pants. Everyone in SM Entertainment knew that he wanted to fuck Jessica badly – it was even rumored that he would let Jessica peg him if it meant that he could finally have sex with a woman instead of gargling on several different flavors of kimchi dick.
“Hey Jessica,” said Kris. Jessica glanced at him and looked at the other members. Kris was a little distraught, as he wanted more attention from Jessica. Jessica knew that all too well, which is why she was paying the other members more attention.
“How are things going for you guys?” asked Jessica. The members looked back up with her, not even uttering a word. The massive amount of perspiration and dreary looks on the members’ face were adequately conveying how the members felt.
“I was wondering if you guys wanted to hang out later tonight,” uttered Jessica as she looked at each member. The other EXO members looked at each and nodded. Baekhyun stepped up from the crowd and cleared his throat, as if he was trying to remove Taeyeon’s pussy juices that were causing him to cough all day.
“I’ll have to politely decline,” started Baekhyun. He glanced over towards Kris and slightly nodded. “Taeyeon said she wanted to pee in my face tonight, so I have to go prepare a bunch of plastic bed sheets.” Baekhyun walked by Kris and put his hand on his shoulder before heading out the door.
Tao looked around while no one was saying anything. “The rest of us want to go watch this new gay porno from Japan that we almost were cast for.” The other members nodded their heads and followed Tao out of the door. Kris was the only one who didn’t follow Tao.
“Well, it looks like it’s the two of us,” stated Kris, beaming with a grin that was genuine, unlike the many fake grins he put on for Lee Soo Man while licking his asshole.
“Just what I wanted,” thought Jessica to herself. “Kris, meet me out in the pool in 10 minutes.”
Kris nodded and quickly ran back to his dorm room so he could shower and get his swimming trunks. While in the shower, he looked down at his dick, and it was harder than a final exam in Calculus 3. “Should I have a quick fap and get it out of my system now?” Kris asked out loud to himself.
He decided not to fap and and quickly got out of the shower and put on some boxers and swimming trunks. He was ecstatic to go out to the pool to meet Jessica.
Kris opened the door that lead out to the pool and saw Jessica in a red bikini. He saw Jessica turn around and saw the bottom of her bikini barely being able to contain her ass within. Jessica noticed and quickly stretched forward to grab her ankles. She was making it look like she was stretching her hamstrings, but her camel toe was clearly visible to Kris. Kris noticed and his dick was throbbing, ready to conquer Jessica’s wet pussy.
Kris walked over to Jessica and put his left hand on her tit, but Jessica brushed his hand off and kicked the back of his right ankle, causing him to trip backwards onto his ass. Jessica stepped on his dick with her left foot and then knelt down on top of him.
“Kris, I have a real reason that I wanted you to come out here,” said Jessica as she grabbed Kris by the collar.
“I knew my dream was too good to come true. My dream can make me come, but I can’t make it come true,” he sighed.
“Whatever,” stated Jessica. “I wanted to know how you like it in SM and in EXO.”
“Honestly, I don’t like it,” replied Kris. “I hardly get any lines, I don’t get any solo projects in Korea, and I don’t see my career advancing here. Plus I’m tired of being butt fucked by the other members.”
“That’s precisely your problem,” laughed Jessica. “I can get what I want while someone like you wallows in pity, hoping that holding out will solve the problem.”
“Well, what can I actually do?” asked Kris. “The system makes me powerless. Sure, I make a better living than most people, but I’m just a cog.”
“Assert your will,” explained Jessica. “Only when you are assertive you can get what you desire. What is it that you desire?”
“I want to go to China and have an acting career. I can’t get any acting gigs in career because my Korean speaking ability sucks more dick than I do,” lamented Kris.
“Well, you just have to quit being a member of EXO,” suggested Jessica.
“I can’t do that,” said Kris. “I would be betraying EXO and SM.”
“That’s your problem,” said Jessica while enlightening Kris. “You’re being an altruistic dildo. You’re putting the interests of a group of people who butt fuck you every night instead of worrying about your own God damn self.”
“But I feel like I would be betraying everyone,” replied Kris.
“Fuck the feelings of other people,” said Jessica. “Do what is best for yourself and don’t worry about the feelings of others. Those who are altruistic are weak because they lack conviction for themselves,” said Jessica as she started taking her top off.
Kris’s eyes widened as he was having a hard time continuing to listen to what Jessica was explaining.
“Obtain what you desire,” stated Jessica as she also took off her bottom. She pushed Kris to the ground and sat on his face.
“Lick it,” she said. Kris could only comply as he started licking Jessica’s pussy.
“Finally,” thought Kris. He had to lick many orifices in his day, but this was the first time he wasn’t licking another dude’s asshole.
“Kris, let me show you how it is that I can get people to comply with what I want. This method only works for me, so you’ll have to find your own method.”
Jessica stood up and inserted two fingers up into her pussy and started spinning them clockwise and then counterclockwise while going in and out. A minute later, a stream of pussy juice flowed out of Jessica’s pussy straight into Kris’ face. Kris reacted by opening his mouth and tasted Jessica’s sweet pussy juices.
“Normally, guys love to have girls squirt in their faces,” smirked Jessica as she bent down and grabbed two pairs of handcuffs that were beside a chair. Jessica shoved Kris into the chair and cuffed each hand to an arm of the chair. She put the folding chair back so that Kris was lying perpendicular to the ground. Jessica grabbed a towel and threw it over Kris’ face. She stood with her legs spread apart and mere inches from Kris’ face.
“You’re familiar with waterboarding, aren’t you?” asked Jessica as she grabbed a vibrator. “It’s the preferred method of torture in the United States, and I found out that I can effectively waterboard whoever the fuck I want,” said Jessica as she ramped up the vibrator to full speed.
Jessica was spraying pussy juices by the quart, and Kris was screaming each time. Like traditional waterboarding, Jessica’s pussy squirt waterboarding was physical torture and psychological torture. Kris was feeling the drowning sensation that people experience when they are waterboarding, but with Jessica’s waterboarding, they are missing out of having their faces splashed with pussy nectar. Kris couldn’t take anymore, as he was violently shaking so that he could get out of the chair.
“Peg me, give me a Cleveland steamer to the face, whatever, just let me taste your pussy juices!” Kris wailed.
“File a lawsuit against SM and withdraw from EXO, and you’ll have an endless supply of my pussy juices,” stated Jessica.
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The only good K-Drama
I have tried to enjoy K-Dramas in the past and gave Reply 1997, Reply 1994, and The Heirs all their fair chance to impress me but they wasted it. I then resigned myself to the fact that I can't enjoy the ridiculous plot twists and stock characters as much as everyone else so accepted that I would see all of the good bits as gifsets on tumblr. That is, until I discovered the most amazing, overly dramatic, twist filled drama of them all which has occupied all of my time in the past few weeks. Much like a K-Drama, I will leave you on a cliffhanger as to what it is, click 'Read More' to be enlightened.
The drama in question is called 'Show Me The Money 4' and it really is a sight to behold, if only all drama writers were as good as those who write for this because the standard of K-Drama would generally be much, much higher.
So allow me to give you a plot and character overview for this show which is truly an epic; packed with heartbreak, betrayal, and fights.
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| Just some of the huge cast. |
The story follows four dynasties trying to defeat the others in a battle of music by collecting the most talented rappers to decide once and for all which performers think it's real. An interesting family dynamic is created as we witness discord within groups, alleged favoritism, and one family being shunned by everyone else for not being 'fair'. I perceive the true message of the show to be that, 'all is fair in love and war' which is shown by a complete deterioration of positive relationships and common sense. Here are the key players in this drama wherein the quality lies in the downward spiral of sanity, creating some form of Lynchian nightmare.
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| The mafia family who represent big money and are struggling to stay relevant |
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| The family who take themselves far too seriously. |
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| The family who care exclusively about image |
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| The wildcards who are nonetheless competent |
Okay, so now that I have explained the family leaders and the moods that the writers wanted to present with them, I should go more in depth into the henchmen that they hire to fight each other, resulting in an eventual winner.
Team Old Money (a.k.a YG)
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| The young, annoying one. |
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| The old, annoying one. |
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| The one who they never got around to writing a personality for. |
Team Serious Business (a.k.a Zico & PaloAlto)
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| The eye candy. |
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| The loud, somewhat endearing one. |
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| The hot stoner. |
Team $w£g (AOMG)
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| The cute one. |
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| The spoiled rich kid. |
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| The one who has broccoli instead of hair. |
Team Wildcard (Brand New)
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| The hero we deserve. |
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| The one who you would introduce your parents to. |
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| DILF |
You see, the writers of this show have effectively used stock characters and played them against each other to create interesting conflicts and friendships within, and between, the different groups. 'Show Me the Money' is a drama that is as epic in scope as 'The Godfather', and the writing staff have really nailed the tension in this mafia-esque plot.
Also worthy of mention is the OST. Whilst most dramas have shite ballads for every single oral sex scene that is shown (I don't watch too many dramas, I may be out of touch with archetypal scenarios), Show Me the Money decided that it would have some pretty high quality rap music and incorporate it into the show by having the cast perform it. I will list some superlative examples below.
In descending order, those songs are '거북선' (Ja Mezz, Andup, Song Mino, Paloalto), 'On It + BO$$' (Lil Boi, Loco, Jay Park), and 'My Zone' (Blacknut, Hanhae, Microdot, Basick) and they only scratch the surface of the high quality of musical output within the OST of 'Show Me the Money'. What is particularly interesting is how Team YG have only one good song associated with them is a novelty throwback song, truly accentuating their presence as embarrassing uncles on the show.
So yeah, I can't wait to see what the writers have in store for the final few episodes of this, they deserve a writing award come the end of the year for the level of histrionics that they included. Have you been watching SMTM? What do you think about the melodramatic villain San E? Include opinions and predictions in the comments.
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Best of the Worst: Aug. 21, 2015
Today, I present you with a golden opportunity: a chance to sleep in Oppa's bed!
Yes, Oppa G-Dragon is hosting a promo in which five lucky fans will get the chance to spend a few days and nights in his old studio (Filthy Westerners need not apply).
Yes, Oppa G-Dragon is hosting a promo in which five lucky fans will get the chance to spend a few days and nights in his old studio (Filthy Westerners need not apply).
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| I welcome you to my home away from home — now please take the bedsheets with you when you leave. |
- G-Dragon is pairing with Airbnb to offer fans a chance to spend a few days in his "second home." No really, it's a real thing. But beware: You'd be spending those days with four other guests, in a place that as of today has only a half bathroom and, according to the Airbnb amenities list, no smoke detector. This promotion's for those willing to live on the edge.
- Hyomin shares the secret to how she gets her "mannequin" legs. It's beer baths. Aww, now I've ruined the secret.
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| The face of freedom |
- After School's Lizzy fires back at netizen who accuses her of bullying E-Young over lack of birthday post. Netizen responds with ass-kissing.
- Find out where your favorite k-actress ranks on the pay-per-episode scale. My favorite one isn't even on there; it's a damn shame.
- And winner of this week's I Can't Believe It's News Award: Taeyeon claims her greatest talent is her parking skills. I'm sorry, Baekhyun.
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| Taeyeon backs dat car up. |
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Waifu Contingency Plan
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| You could have stopped this. |
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| Yukiko Friend ~ |
If, for some reason, you're not interested in waifus of the animated variety you're in luck. Surprisingly South Korea isn't the only country with Asian girls. There's also:
Japan
China
Maybe more?
My point, dear reader is that if you wake up tomorrow and your waifu is but a shadow on the side of a building... Fear not! For the world is rife with fapping opportunities, you just need to know where to look.
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SHINee's 'Married To The Music' Just Became My Favorite Song Of the Year
A few weeks ago, I wrote a review of the song saying it was good but not as good as "View," but things have changed in those few weeks ... a lot.
It's been years since a boy group took the #1 spot on my favorite songs list, and outside of BTS's "No More Dream" taking my top spot in 2013, almost never. But SHINee may change that for this year because "Married To The Music" is the shit.
I guess you could say I've been drinking the Shawol kool-aid.
On paper, "Married To The Music" ain't nothing special. Boy groups doing the '70s disco funk theme for a song is nothing new or original. But there is something about "MTTM" that is making me love it.
I take the train to and from work, and along the way I like to read. Since people who ride the trains in Chicago suck and are either blasting their own terrible music with those portable speakers or talking at an uncomfortable volume, I enjoy plugging in and listening to my own playlist. And that playlist soon became "Married To The Music" being replayed over and over again.
I think what makes me love it is how busy it is. While most songs like this just loop the same guitar riffs for three plus minutes, "MTTM" takes twist and turns hitting synths here and there, using those warbles instruments to build (which adds a modern touch), and cheering and tons of low vocal harmonization that sounds good making it just overall a very dark-yet-exciting song without sounding jarring or forced. Hell, I'd even go as far as to say the verses are right on par with the chorus as they keep my attention just as much as the chorus does. I've been replaying the living shit out of this song lately, and it hasn't gotten boring or old yet.
At first, the main thing that stood out to me was the music video, because it's awesome and there is loads of Onew screen time toward the end. But now it's just purely the song. Yes, songs like this have tenancy to be generic, but this takes some risks and they're good risks.
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Hayoung is hot as fuck
God damn!
This article was basically an excuse to say "Yeah, I know SNSD and Big Bang released some gigantic pile of shits that I need to review, and I'll get to them, along with T-ara, Wonder Girls, and whoever else of importance that came back in July that I haven't covered yet." However, without any Hayoung pics, there would have been 74.396% less viewers to see that message, so I had to include her pictures. Anyway, the reviews will be scheduled and spread out. I'll have the important reviews done first (i.e., T-ara).
I have been feeling like utter shit this week, which is why I haven't written anything in about two weeks (the Jessica fanfic part two was written near the beginning of the month.) I do plan on trying to start the next part, but it's funnier to wait for more SNSD stuff to come out, because it makes Part 1 of the fic make me look more and more like a prophet. For example, I was just bullshitting that Jessica wanted some good songs and left because "Catch Me If You Can" was such a shit song. However, shortly after I posted part one, the original MV with Jessica came out and I thought that was hilarious. Now given all of the comments about how much SNSD's latest album sucks, and how fans are saying the songs are missing Jessica's touch, it's making my fictional pieces about Jessica look more like reality.
(Hopefully soon we see a video of Jessica squirting. I would like that part of the fanfics to be true.)
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Weekly Showdown: SNSD's 'You Think' VS. Lion Heart'
Which did you like better? Vote HERE. Results will be out next week!
As for me, I think both songs were pretty good, but I actually liked "Lion Heart" better (as opposed to the majority). Plus, the rap in "You Think" was so cringe-worthy, and it killed a lot of momentum. "Lion Heart" wasn't perfect either, but overall I liked it more. What do you guys think?
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Why I'm Glad Sulli is out of f(x)
During the height of my busy hours, I'm barely able to keep up with K-pop, and when I find out about something, I'm pretty late. I learned that f(x) was making a comeback this fall...without Sulli, who finally and officially left the group. Good riddance.
I don't actually hate Sulli or anything. I'd let her lick the head of my penis. However, there's a big reason why I can never forgive Sulli. No, it's not because she broke OT5 or any of that retarded shit. It's something much more serious than that.
The horrible thing that Sulli did was cut short the "Red Light" promotions. "Red Light" is the closest f(x) will ever come to having a sexy concept since it is a co-ed group after all.
As many of you know, Victoria is one of my two main waifus (with Han Ye Seul being the other), and while Victoria is always smoking hot, she made my dick rupture during the "Red Light" promotions like Yellowstone will the next time it erupts.
Sulli had to ruin it. She has the determination to jack Choiza off with some tweezers, but can't promote one of the best K-pop songs of all time with Victoria being hot as fuck.
In this performance, the members are wearing black, which allows the female members of the group to wear darker makeup to make them look sexier. It works for Victoria, who is already wearing a short skirt and thigh high socks. It's probably the most fappable she'll ever look on stage as long as Adrian is still in the group.
Next we have this performance in which Victoria is wearing a tight shirt that fits her upper body well and another short skirt. Her makeup looks on point again and is begging to be smeared by my jizz.
Here, the girls are wearing faux-military outfits, and Victoria kind of looks like a dominatrix with those boots. She looks like she's in such control that I'd consider letting her peg me. I'd let Victoria smother my face with her ass, though.
Speaking of ass, Victoria has a nice one. I'd eat it out.
If you can get past Krystal's unnaturally bright blue contacts, you can see an outfit that emphasizes Victoria's legs, and she has some of the best legs in Kpop. I would let Victoria wrap her thighs around my head as I smell her pussy fumes.
All because of Sulli, that's almost all of the f(x) live performances. I could have had six weeks of this instead of only two.
Sulli, although you didn't have any determination in f(x), I hope you have enough determination to dip some tweezers in Astroglide and use it together with a magnifying glass for your boyfriend.
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Kpopalypse Nugu Alert Episode 12: ANDS, LIVE, CO2
Yes, once again it's back, as reliable as Sulli's menstrual cycle! Welcome to another edition of:
It's time to take a look at some more nugus!
K-pop is typically musically regressive and conservative. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just how it is. Companies running on tight profit margins are naturally extremely adverse to risk-taking, so most of the time they'll go for what is previously shown to work well, rather than venturing off in a bold new direction. However when everybody is conservative and starts doing exactly the same thing musically, it becomes hard to stick out amongst the crowd, so creeping in just a little unusual sound or unpredictability to make something stand out, but not too much so as to alienate audiences, is how k-pop typically edges its way forward to new musical places. A good example of successful experimentation-by-increments would be "Red Light" from f(x), which combines a lot of known established k-pop sonics with an unusual rhythmic treatment more associated with other genres. It's not very experimental by the standards of "experimental music" generally speaking, but for a Korean pop song it's about as far left-of-centre as the standard SM-style song format will allow. Pop music wants above all to remain popular, so it evolves in small steps, not massive leaps.
However it's not just the big labels that try to stick out. Sometimes nugus will also get the "slightly different" treatment. Maybe in the case of the below nugu videos it's an intentional strategy, or maybe it's the producers just being so idiosyncratic that they honestly didn't think what they were doing would sound weird to someone else's ears. Whatever the case, this episode's theme is k-pop songs that stuck out to me because of odd musical choices. It was the sound of these songs that made me cluster them all together for your entertainment, so that's what I'll be focusing on.
The usual Nugu Alert rules apply:
- Less than 20,000 views
- Nobody outside Korea cares
- Well, nobody but Kpopalypse and avid nugu hunters, anyway
ANDS - Oppa, Where Are You?
This group came to my attention again recently because someone linked to me their quite solid second single, but "Oppa, Where Are You?" was the group's debut and damn it's strange. The weirdness of this song isn't immediately apparent, at first it sounds like your average k-pop girl minor key electro thing. Then at 1:06 the song does something really bizarre by kicking into the four-chords style chorus with a minor-to-major modulation that makes everything sound kind of odd as shit for a few seconds. Then once your brain has finally adjusted to the new key, the oddness is then repeated when the chorus leaves at 1:21 and we're back to minor key for the verse. Without wanting to get heavily into the music theory detail of it (another post maybe), modulation from a minor key verse to a major key chorus is really common thing in pop music, but usually the songs modulate to the "relative key", which means that the actual notes of the scale don't change, just the starting point of the chords. This gives the chorus a different mood to the verse but without actually changing the tonal structure, keeping everything nice and seamless. "Oppa, Where Are You?" doesn't do that however, it just goes "fuck it, we're in a major key now, deal with it". Other examples in k-pop of this kind of "root modulation" are GLAM's "I Like That" and H.A.M's "TT Dance" which both sound just as teeth-clenchingly jarring when they enter the chorus as this song does. It's got that sudden sensory jolt like trying to smoothly shift from first gear straight to fifth gear in a manual car without changing through any of the gears in between.
YouTube views at time of writing: 9843
Notable attribute:Roly Poly In Copacabana 60s style school uniform cosplay in full effect for no apparent reason
Nugu Alert Rating: average
LIVE - Til I Die
Here's me raving on like a dickhead giving my unwelcome worthless opinion on an Asian Junkie article about how I think everything except "Don't Be Shy" on the new Primary album sucks balls:
It seems some of my pathological haters were reading this comment, and decided to take the next plane over to Korea and try and ruin hip-hop music for me even more, because "Til I Die" by the stupidly-titled LIVE from the excellently-titled DPRegime combines the aforementioned two things that I hate about modern rap music that I thought I'd never see anybody actually try to combine - soft pussy shit and SWIGSWEGSWAGitude. I used to actually like smooth Fender Rhodes keys in rap music when groups like The Roots were doing it because at least they would usually put a solid beat behind it but these days beats have softened so much that as soon as I hear that rotary keyboard sound I know it's almost always a one-way ticket straight to Snoozeville. As the Rhodes sound is firmly the domain of smooth hip-hop balladeers in 2015 I never thought I'd hear that same sound feature strongly on a track with the typical cookie-cutter stuttery stodgy groove-less funk-less sixteenth-beat drum machine nonsense that typifies the trash that passes for "hard beats" in today's decrepit hip-hop landscape. So that's something different I guess, certainly threw me for a curveball but damn it sure isn't a good mix, this is Korean hip-hop's vegemite chocolate. Come back Primary, all is forgiven!
YouTube views at time of writing: 3646
Notable attribute: Sadly not a tribute to GG Allin or Bad News
Nugu Alert Rating: high
CO2 - Phone, Wallet, Keys, Tobacco
Sometimes I listen to producers who I know are really genuinely talented constantly churn out shitty songs lately, and I really start to wonder what the fuck's actually going on. When trying to answer that question to myself, I tend to imagine some guy sitting at the mixing console with really bad posture, totally spaced out on too many of Bom's jelly snacks, just sort of lying there waving his arms about, semi-distracted by nothing in particular and just smiling and going "hey man wassup yo, I'm da bes producer maaaan". The video to this song perfectly represents the kind of mental image I have in my head when I think of the inner workings of the SWIGSWEGSWAG end of k-pop's music machine, I'm pretty sure this video is trying to be a reenactment of the last two years of studio hustle over at some of the bigger k-pop labels. Odd then that the song actually sounds like some kind of weird mumbly trip-hop thing, which while certainly dull and meandering is yet-unexplored territory for the most part in Korea and probably puts this in the top 10% of rap music released this year globally (rap being in that much of a sorry state lately). I'm not sure if that's a deliberate decision on his part to bring back trip-hop but I doubt it, I suspect that this guy just kind of fell into trip-hop by accident simply because he didn't know how to write yoloswag, in the same way that the Ramones fell into punk by accident because they didn't know how to make a pop record. Hell, there's a fair-to-good chance that he doesn't even know what trip-hop is. I'm also pretty sure that this guy is affiliated with GAPP somehow who was in the previous Nugu Alert and certainly is at least equally bizarre like the Korean version of Bangs so if these two are getting together there's going to be some fucked up shit ensuing and I'm looking forward to it in a "let's look up journalists being attacked by animals on the Internet" kind of way.
YouTube views at time of writing: 118
Notable attribute: He must really be drug-fucked if he needs to turn his leaving-the-house checklist into a song just so he doesn't lose his shit anywhere
Nugu Alert Rating: extreme
That's it for another episode of Kpopalypse Nugu Alert, thanks for reading my trash! More nugus will be forthcoming at a future date!
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Idolic TV continues to impress me with the release of multiple Hello Venus dance practices
The fairly new YouTube channel Idolic TV is continuing to become a favourite of mine. The channel releases content regularly with Japanese and Chinese subtitles as well as English subtitles for all videos, excluding dance practices. It is perfect for when you want a dose of K-pop reality but don't want to sit through 40 minute long videos as the videos are generally no longer than 10 minutes (some outliers). And they recently released not one or two dance practices for Hello Venus' latest release "I'm Ill / I'm Art" but 14.
With these 14 videos, two are group versions, and every member has two camera angles. Half the videos are in "casual" outfits, while the other half are in the music video outfits. And can we just thank whoever put these girls in shorts. This release does have me worried for the "eye contact" special that I was hoping they'd release, though, because neither the T-ara-inspired performance video nor the half assed music video was not cutting it for me. So sadly, I'll have to just replace all hopes of that with these 14 videos ...
So without further rambles, here are the 14 videos:
If these didn't satisfy you, then there's also more dance practice videos on the channel:
BESTie: "Excuse Me,"
MINX: "Love Shake" and
Bastarz (Block B): "Zero for Conduct."
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8 Absolutely Atrocious Songs That I Am/Was Addicted To
I never exactly considered myself as someone with great taste in music nor am I an expert, but I do know this — I am a person who sticks by my opinion. Or to be more specific, I used to be a person who just follows what other people think is good music and shit on what other people think is bad music — just following the trends rather than having an opinion of my own. Yup, I was a sissy like that. But eventually, I grew out of that stage and began to enjoy music on my own terms.
Now just a quick warning: This article is probably going to shock you (or you might find it relatable, what do I know?). The songs I am about to mention in this list are either one of these:
Ah good ol' "Touch Ma Badey." Such a shitty song. Luckily enough for my own sanity, this one didn't make my playlist. But that doesn't change the fact that I watched the video countless times, sang along to it countless times, and did the weird shaking-poop-off-your-butt-because-who-needs-toilet-paper dance also, countless times.
Don't judge me. You know you did it too. It's okay, we're all friends here.
I have no excuse for this one. This was back when I had shitty taste in music (or rather, had worse taste than I do now). I guess I was just hopelessly following CL like most of the blackjacks these days do.
We all have our dark days, don't we?
What I noticed about this song is that it starts off well. The verses are listenable but hardly memorable. Even Bora's rap was okay! But the chorus was just a bloated mess of bird shit mixed with goat semen and camel feaces. Basically, it starts off going in one direction, then it suddenly stops and goes the other direction, repeating the process. Then there's the annoyingly endless repetition of the words "shake it." I just wanna say you've made it very clear that "Shake it" is the title of the song. But yeesh, they really got carried away with this one. It's kind of like when you learn a new word and now you just keep saying it.
And here's the best part — I still have this song on my playlist until this very day, and I have no fucking idea why.
Now this song is going to be the most shocking and the one I'm most of ashamed of. Before I reveal what it's gonna be, I want you to take a wild guess, and tell me if you guessed right. If you already saw it then ... I have nothing to say to you.
Ladies and gentlemen, prepare your eyes.
Keep scrolling~
I'm still here!
And the song is-
Hey, by the way, did you know I liked pizza?
Alright, alright, no more stalling. Here goes nothing.
Now just a quick warning: This article is probably going to shock you (or you might find it relatable, what do I know?). The songs I am about to mention in this list are either one of these:
- Songs that I forced myself to like just because I had no personality/liked because I had terrible taste in music (probably applies to the older songs on this list)
- Songs that I am well aware are indeed horrible but just can't stop myself from listening to
- Songs that I simply downloaded because my 100-year-old playlist is desperately hungry for new songs so again. I force myself to like them.
Now that we have all that cleared up, read at your own risk, and let's keep our comments section clean! Just remember that these are songs I am very much ashamed of listening to. So, without further adieu, leggo.
(Listed in no particular order)
Jay Park - "Mommae"
Now this is one of those songs that when I first listen to, I was like "Meh, this sucks." But something, something or the other happens and I end up listening to it again (for example, stumbling upon an MV review and deciding to listen to it again for reference purposes). Then I find myself listening to it again and again. Next thing I know, I'm downloading it and BOOM, hey playlist, please welcome your new friend!
"Mommae" was that kind of song.
It didn't last in my playlist for too long and is now floating around in a pool of 200+ songs, never to be stumbled upon again except for when I'm clearing out storage space.
GD X Taeyang - "Good Boy"
Let's just say it didn't take too long for that headache-inducing beat to turn into a terribly addicting one. Nor did it take too long for that terribly addicting beat to turn back into a headache-inducing one.
And just as a side note, ladies and gentlemen, you should know that you're never getting your R&B "Wedding Dress" Taeyang back ever again — GD's fucked him up on too many drugs to the point of no return. The sooner you accept that fact, the better off your life and your children will be.
SISTAR - "Touch Ma Badey"
Ah good ol' "Touch Ma Badey." Such a shitty song. Luckily enough for my own sanity, this one didn't make my playlist. But that doesn't change the fact that I watched the video countless times, sang along to it countless times, and did the weird shaking-poop-off-your-butt-because-who-needs-toilet-paper dance also, countless times.
Don't judge me. You know you did it too. It's okay, we're all friends here.
CL - "The Baddest Female"
I have no excuse for this one. This was back when I had shitty taste in music (or rather, had worse taste than I do now). I guess I was just hopelessly following CL like most of the blackjacks these days do.
We all have our dark days, don't we?
Skrillex, Diplo, CL, GD - "Dirty Vibe"
Refer to Reason 2.
Big Bang - "BANG BANG BANG"
To be honest, the verses in the song were fucking awesome, and I'll even say the "AYYYY Let the bass drum go!" anthem-esque part in the end was pretty good. But the rest — meaning the chorus — was just awful. As time passed, though, I began to accept it, and as more time passed, I began to sing along to GD's "bi-ang, bi-ang, bi-ang" where he just sounds like he's on drugs. This song had a considerable long turn in my playlist, too.
SISTAR - "Shake It"
And here's the best part — I still have this song on my playlist until this very day, and I have no fucking idea why.
Now this song is going to be the most shocking and the one I'm most of ashamed of. Before I reveal what it's gonna be, I want you to take a wild guess, and tell me if you guessed right. If you already saw it then ... I have nothing to say to you.
Ladies and gentlemen, prepare your eyes.
Keep scrolling~
I'm still here!
And the song is-
Hey, by the way, did you know I liked pizza?
Alright, alright, no more stalling. Here goes nothing.
Girls' Generation - "I Got A Boy"
Yup. You read right. Now as I listen to this song, I feel nothing but regrets. I ask myself, "How did I ever come to like this piece of garbage ...?" I have no fucking idea. It only took some maturing of mind and soul to realize that this was indeed a very terrible song.
In my defense, it had a few good parts, or more specifically, one good part that was from 0:53 to 2:04. But then, that Tiffany bitch had to go ahead and "put it down another way," and it all went downhill. For shame.
***
Oh well, that's the end of my list. There is actually one more atrocious song that I am in love with, but this one I'm not ashamed of. And I don't love it because it's a good song, but because it's fucking hilarious. And that song is:
ZE:A's "Mazeltov"! Honestly, this song is fucking awesome. And whoever wrote down those lyrics gets a medal and a gold star from me. Because meaning? Who needs that? Just write down the days of the week and call it day (no pun intended)! Just brilliant!
Okay, I guess that's enough. You can clean your ears out with Stellar's "Vibrato."
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