Honestly, watching any fandom defend their biases is like watching wild animals. It's fucking crazy, and I can say this, because I just witnessed it firsthand. With whom? None other than one of the most violent fandoms out there, the blackjacks (*shivers*). Ain't no one passing up an opportunity to screenshot this shit! Holding this as my proof, I hereby confirm that blackjacks are people that walk around with a stick permanently shoved far up their asses, endlessly searching for respite from their pent up pain and agony.

So grab yourself some popcorn, and enjoy the situation below!

CL recently updated her Instagram with the following picture:

She looks different, to say the least.

Thanks to my good timing, I caught a few nice comments under it.






Sigh. They sure go to great lengths to prove a point. Why does the fact that whether or not CL got plastic surgery bother people so much? It doesn't affect their lives or their children that's for sure. Unless CL personally testifies that she did get plastic surgery, we'll never fucking know, so people need to sit their asses down. And if she did, who gives a shit? Her music still sucks, and no amount of plastic surgery is gonna fix that.

T-ara made a comeback seemingly out of nowhere and abandoned long-time van driver Shinsadong Tiger and teamed up with Brave Brothers. Fear not, Brave Brothers didn't give T-ara the same garbage that he's giving to Snoop Dogg/Snoop Lion/That UCAAD in Psy's Hangover MV.

However, there's something very similar about this song...



The first impression of "So Crazy" is that it sounds like a clone of AOA's "Miniskirt" and "Short Hair". It would not surprise me in the least bit if Brave Brothers had planned on having AOA come out with this song last year, but opted for the more electronic "Like A Cat" instead and shelved this song.

I imagine the conversation between Kim Kwang Soo, Shinsadong Tiger and Brave Brothers went like this:


Essentially, if you like AOA's music since 2013, you'll enjoy T-ara's "So Crazy". It is an AOA-style song in the vain of "Miniskirt" and "Short Hair" with the main differences being the timbre of the song and the lack of iconic phrases from a "rapper". This could have been the first song in which Hwayoung would have had an actual role to play in a song. She could have been Jimin's replacement, saying shit like "The bullies are T-ara," "I likey likey this" and "My nipple is driving you so crazy."

It is nice for T-ara to take a break from Shinsadong Tiger, but T-ara has other great producers they have worked with over the years, such as Kim Do Hoon, who was behind "Why Are You Being Like This?", but at least T-ara didn't go to Duble Sidekick. DS has saturated the market with their songs over the past two years, and last summer it seemed like they were producing every song being released.

But what's a T-ara MV review without mentioning how hot the fucking members are?



Luckily T-ara bullied drighk into filming fancams because the Cyclops Overlords is making me shoot white beams out of my dick. While the Cyclops Overlord is my personal favorite, I would eat out every member's ass in this group -- yes, I'd even eat out Kpopalypse's mom's ass. Hell, I'd date Boram just so that Kpopalypse would have to call a dude half his age "dad," and I would find that hilarious.

For example, if Kpopalypse needed to be disciplined, I'd make him go to his room and fap. He would say "How is that punishment?" Then I would make him fap to Yoona and Suzy the fat whore. While he would be crying while fapping, I'd be doing his mom. I'm sure a Boram x HYSF video would be titled "White Dude Bangs Asian MLF Midget" or something on PornHub.

Welcome to a very educational edition of Best of the Worst.

• iKON's BI seems like an asshole. 

• Star Empire Entertainment (home of Nine Muses and ZE:A) is forced to put company building up for auction. Let's all chip in for a forever home for Nine Muses. 

• The breakup of all the best couples continues. First, it was Tiffany and Nichkhun, then Yoona and that derpy fellow, and now Kiko and her boyfriend.

• Pretty rapstar Cheetah reveals how she keeps her face looking flawless despite her heavy makeup. 

• Here's a really half-assed and questionable list of top male idols for those of you who hate yourselves. Prepare to be disappointed.

• Jessi tattoos her eyebrows ahead of "Real Men" appearance. Also, according to the show's producer, Jessi is 10 times quirkier than Henry.

• People whine about "We Got Married" airing a scene with Joy and Sungjae in a club. Won't somebody please think of the children?

• And winner of this week's I Can't Believe It's News Award: "TOP 9 idols who are addicted to spanking." Basically, it's a reason for someone to post spanking gifs.*

Including this one we made of Hyuna slapping dat ass

* Note: Also, that Koreaboo post originally ran six months ago. So it's also an excuse to RE-post someone's favorite spanking gifs.

Let me start off with the good things about this song: It had a nice chorus, the girls were styled nicely, the outfits were pretty, choreo had some pretty good parts, no funky hair colors, even the colors in the music video weren't too overwhelming. Good stuff. Great stuff. But I can't help but notice how poorly thought out this plot was (just like almost every other plot-based Kpop music video out there). Did more than 5 seconds of thought go into this storyline? This plot has so many holes, it might as well be a prostitute. Go ahead and re-watch, and you'll see what I mean.

Okay, so it took me longer than an After School comeback, but here's the third and absolutely definitely final chapter of Project Luhan!  The third part won't make any sense if you're not familiar with the first two parts, so for those new to this story or who need a refresher, click on the following links to catch up to this point in the story:





Several months pass in your cell.

Seeing the fate of prisoner #1063's nose, you do your best to co-operate with the rules of Project Luhan.  It's difficult, but you manage to at least keep a low enough profile to avoid being targetted for "selection" by visitors.  You're not any less of a Luhan fangirl, you've just learned how to hide your sasaeng dreams of Luhan love as best you can.  You've even managed to befriend the SM Entertainment guard who patrols your cell corridor.  Well okay, "befriend" is perhaps too strong a word, you still have to obey his orders and you still can't pass his weekly "sasaeng clearance test" to be released, but as you've become gradually better at concealing your fangirlism, he's become less harsh on you.  You even know that his name is John.  A couple of times you've asked him what it's like to be an SM guard, hoping that he might slip up and reveal a few details about Luhan's whereabouts, but he always just replies with "I'm just a contractor, I go where the work is".

It's helped your cause a lot that while you've become sneakier and better at hiding your sasaeng nature, prisoner #1063 in the cell opposite yours has become more and more unhinged.  She's attempted to escape several times, and each time she comes back to the cell her appearance is different.  She doesn't talk much these days, especially not since after the most recent escape attempt when her lips started looking like Hyuna's, but the distraction that she provides in the way of constant screaming and attacking the guards whenever they approach her has made your own behaviour look tame in comparison.

News about EXO filters into the camp through secret channels - mostly the prison's black market in mobile phones, which provides a steady stream of news about the outside world.  One day you're out in the exercise yard, watching some of the other prisoners play basketball, when one of your sasaeng friends prisoner #947 takes a concealed mobile phone out of her pocket and shows you something.

"Look, it's a photo of our baby, Luhan!" she says to you.


You stare at the picture.  Luhan looks adorable as always.... but something's wrong.  It takes you a couple minutes to figure out what it is, but eventually it dawns on you that you're only looking at 11 members of EXO.

"What happened to Kris?  Is he sick?" you ask.

"Oh, he left the group... just the other day", prisoner #947 replies, in a deadpan manner that all the prisoners use when discussing any EXO member that isn't Luhan.

"Why?"

"Something about how he didn't like being treated like an object."

You scratch your head.  "That's silly.  What is he even talking about?"

Prisoner #947 shrugs.  "No idea.  Who cares anyway... oh my god, look at Luhan's hair, he's so cute!"

You both forget about Kris and continue to spazz over some more contraband Luhan pictures together until the outdoors guards' circular yard patrol route gets too close.

A few months later, you're in your cell, lying in your bed, watching TV, just passing the early evening away until mealtime, and dreaming of freedom and Luhan.  The cell opposite you is empty - a few weeks ago prisoner #1063 tried to stab an SM Entertainment guard in the face using a collection of Luhan photocards that she spent two months bonding together like paper mache using her own spit as glue and then whittling down into the shape of a crude icepick.  Her attempt unsuccessful, the highly-trained guards quickly restrained her and took her away, you're not sure where she is now. You silently fear the worst, but there's nothing you can do about it, and even if the worst is true there's always the positive side that at least that's one less competitor for Luhan's heart.

You start dozing off a little, and you reach over to adjust your TV volume down, a Girls' Generation concert is being broadcast and the crowd at the concert are for some reason annoyingly loud.  You put the volume down to the minimum level, but the sound of the audience actually seems to get louder.  Grumbling in frustration, you turn the TV off completely... but the sound is still there, the loud, grating chants of young fans at the concert.  Gosh, that's strange, how come the audio of the TV is still on and getting louder?  It takes a few seconds to realise that it's not the TV making the noise at all, the noise is coming from elsewhere... but nowhere specific, it's almost like it's coming from all around you.

You sit up just in time to see a couple SM Entertainment guards burst through the door to the cell block.  They're running really fast!  They run through the corridor separating your cell from the one on the other side of the room, and then just as quickly run out the exit door on the other side, not bothering to close the door behind them.  As the doors swing open, the noise of the fans becomes deafeningly loud, and a strong smell also enters the room, like someone has burned toast.  A group of a dozen prisoners rushes through the corridor, in the same direction as the guards.  They're all screaming at the top of their lungs, a mixture of shouts - "we love Luhan", "you can't stop us" and a whole bunch of other stuff that you're not really comprehending.  It gradually becomes clear through your drowsiness that the entire prison is rioting.

The prisoners rush off to chase the guards, but one of them turns back to look at you - it's prisoner #947.  "Hey!  She's still locked up!" she shouts to the others.  One of the other girls smashes a glass box on the wall of the corridor and pushes a button inside it - an emergency quick-release for the cells.  With a loud buzzing noise, your cell door as well as every other cell door in the block glides open electronically.  You quickly gather your small amount of possessions and join the other group of newly-freed girls as they scatter out into the exercise yard, where the entire prison population is throwing furniture, smashing windows, burning things and attempting to escape via climbing or dismantling the barbed-wire fences.

"What's going on?" you ask.

"We've had enough, that's what's going on!  They can't keep us away from Luhan any longer!", screams prisoner #947 amidst the chaos.

One of the other prisoners gives you a mobile phone.  "Look", she says.


A picture of EXO... without Luhan!  Your heart sinks deep into your chest as you hand the phone back to her.  "Where is Luhan?!?" you exclaim.

"I don't know but I'm going to find out!  How dare they keep us in here and then get rid of him!" replies the girl as she and a large group of prisoners all push together on a section of barbed-wire fence, sending it toppling to the ground.  Instantly, Project Luhan's vicious trained guard dogs on the other side of the fence spring into action, diving through the newly formed gap, straight on top of the group of girls, and begin savagely mauling their arms and legs.  You watch in horror as a large dog grabs prisoner #947's leg in its jaws and begins twisting the limb back and forth, toppling her over and spraying blood all over the ground in front of you.

"Take this!" - prisoner #947 reaches into her pocket and hands you a tiny black bag, in between screams of agonising pain.

"What is in this?" you ask, not really looking at it carefully.

"Just go, get out of here!  I'm done for, but there's not enough dogs to kill us all!  Run!"

You swiftly pocket the small bag, and make a break for it through the downed fence and into the nearby parkland.  You run and run, into the approaching dusk, not looking back.  Behind you, you can hear dogs barking, screaming, glass breaking and the occasional crack of a rifle, but amidst the chaos nobody follows you.

Six hours later, you arrive at your home, having successfully navigated back through Seoul at night on foot with little issue - you know the layout of the city well due to all the Internet Luhan stalking you do, so it wasn't hard to get your bearings once you found a major road intersection.  You notice that your parents' car is not in the driveway - even though it must be after midnight, they're obviously not home.  With them no doubt presuming that their sasaeng daughter is locked up for the forseeable future, you figure they're off having fun somewhere, probably having creepy parent-sex in a hotel on holiday or something, or maybe out at a concert listening to some worthless music that isn't by EXO.  The camp rules said that everyone at Project Luhan was being detained with parental consent, so you know that they're responsible and you'll never forgive them.  You also know that you can't stay here - eventually they'll be back, and if they find you surely they will just whisk you off to some other concentration camp, or worse.

You don't have the house key (Project Luhan confiscated it, you never got it back) so you walk around the side of your house, lift up the wooden window pane and climb into your bedroom.  You fumble for the light switch, and as the lights go on, you're astonished - the room is pretty much exactly as you left it last time you were here.


Your parents have clearly barely even been in your room at all, it seems that they really don't care about you.  You sit down on your bed (which is in the same unmade state you left it in months ago) turn on the TV and also switch on your laptop.  Immediately you search for news about Project Luhan, and it doesn't take you long to find a news story.  You watch a TV clip that shows footage of the chaos from the point of view of a circling helicopter, billowing smoke and fires, fangirls running and spreading out in every direction, emergency services on the scene trying in vain to deal with the disaster.  The narration reels through the statistics: at the time of the rioting 573 fangirls were incarcerated at Project Luhan, SM Entertainment's sasaeng detainment/intervention centre.  Fangirls started rioting, smashing windows and starting fires when news of Luhan leaving EXO filtered through the camp.  The narrator talks a bit about the difficulty of concealing sensitive information that could cause detainment centre riots in today's technology age.  More statistics follow: 37 fangirls died at the scene from a combination of causes - building collapses, smoke inhalation, gunshot wounds, animal lacerations.  52 fangirls were injured during the riots and remain in custody, another 103 fangirls are unharmed but still detained.  The rest of the fangirls "remain unaccounted for".  A list of names is unknown but forthcoming soon.  SM representatives declined to comment about speculations by reporters that the hastily-constructed facilities were "structurally unsafe and not fully equipped to withstand the brute force of fangirl insanity".  You roll your eyes at the biased language.  The TV news report then cuts to an information piece: "How To Deal With An Approaching Fangirl".  The information piece shows how fangirls looking for Luhan may be emotionaly traumatized and potentially capable of violence if not immediately appeased.  A re-enactment is shown where a middle-aged female "normal citizen" is approached by an EXO sasaeng wielding a small knife and asking for directions to Luhan.  The citizen says that she doesn't know where he is, upon which the fangirl screams "if I kill you, I'm one step closer to Luhan!".  The citizen produces an EXO lightstick, waves it around and throws it in one direction, then quickly sprints off in the opposite direction.  The fangirl notices the EXO lightstick and chases after it while the citizen makes her escape.  You gasp in astonishment - the information piece is really clever, that trick would totally work on you.  You make a mental note to be wary of this kind of distraction in future.

On your laptop you begin searching for what really matters - Luhan.  Where is he?  What is he doing?  You refuse to live with your parents after this, but there's nowhere else for you to go, plus you're now an escaped detainee and who knows what power SM have to drag you back into prison, so there's clearly only one solution to your life's problems, you must meet Luhan and marry him.  A few websites later and you learn that he's now in China, and he plans to get into acting.  That settles it - you're going to go to China, and find Luhan.

Your mind stats racing.  How to get to China?  You either need a lot of money, or someone very helpful.  You get up off your bed, exit your room and start looking around the house.  Maybe you could sell something in here to raise the money, after all your parents certainly deserve it - but there's nothing obviously valuable around that you could sell quickly.  Then you remember something - sasaeng #947 gave you a small black bag.  You reach into your pocket and pull it out.


A small bag with a metal latch.  You open it up to find:


A Chinese passport.  You take a look inside it, the photo in there is of prisoner #947.  The passport isn't stamped, clearly she was one step ahead of you and planning to enter China using this.  You wonder if the document is real or fake.  You're thinking fake, as #947 doesn't look particularly Chinese... which is just as well, as neither do you.  You squint at the photo and wonder if you'll successfully pass as her when you present this document.


Three small stacks of Chinese money.  You're not sure how much is there exactly, but it's enough to make finances no barrier.


A small Luhan ring.  You immediately wear it.  It's a little uncomfortable on your finger and digs into your flesh slightly, but it has Luhan's name on it, so you'll put up with it.


...and a tiny block of some squishy pink plasticine dough.  Or maybe it's soap or clay, you're not sure.  Puzzled about why this would be in the bag, you take it out and leave it on your bed.  You put everything else back in the Luhan bag (except the ring, which stays on your finger), quickly gather up as much spare clothes as you can fit into a suitcase as well as your laptop and charger, and leave the house the way you came, through the bedroom window.  After a six-hour walk to get home, you're reluctant to walk even more, but after your last experience catching a taxi you're paranoid of them now, and the walk to the airport isn't that far.  "China and Luhan here we come - it's all or nothing", you think to yourself.

Getting into China turned out to be surprisingly uneventful, although you figure most things would seem that way after what you just survived.  After touchdown, Chinese customs only gave your passport and luggage the most cursory of glances, waving you through the security checkpoint quickly, which was a great relief.  The only hiccup was when an airport security guard started asking questions about why someone so young was travelling alone.  You told the man that you're meeting your parents at baggage check and he left you alone after that.  Then you went straight to the nearest hotel to get some rest and a much-needed sleep that you've just woken up from.

You're sitting on the bed in your hotel room, cruising news sites on your laptop on the hotel's free wi-fi, looking for news of Luhan and also news of last night's incident.  You end up finding both in one article, a news piece which mentions the "Korean fangirl tragedy" and cautions Chinese citizens to look out for Korean fangirls who may be entering China to locate Luhan.  The article goes on to report that the fangirls are very dangerous and that there's been quite a lot of fangirl-on-fangirl violence since the prison riot, but doesn't go into any details as to why.  A list of all the so-far-unaccounted fangirls is part of the article, you can see your name on it as well as hundreds of others, some of whom you know.  Girls who are wanted for questioning in connection with crimes are highlighted, there are about thirty girls who are marked out, and you are one of them.  Each person has the crime they are wanted in connection with mentioned, most say "arson" but the text beside your name says you are being sought after for information relating to a "house explosion".  You don't know anything about any house explosion, the only explosions you saw were at the Project Luhan prison, and even those were more steadily-burning fires rather than things blowing up.  You figure it's just lies to get you to report to the police so they can detain you again, and you quickly forget about your name in the article, because something far more interesting catches your eye:


The article goes on to mention that Luhan's currently in Beijing shooting a feature film!  Normally you'd cringe at the use of a serious article about human tragedy to cross-promote an artist's promotions, but in this case it's going to help you find Luhan, and you normally turn a blind eye to any dodgy media behaviour when Luhan's involved in any case.. plus the bad part of the article is partly about you, so all the better to distract people.  The article says that the film is being helmed by CJE&M Entertainment so you look up where their office are in Beijing, and also how to get there by public transport.  Noticing that it's on the other side of the city and a bus leaves soon, you gather your things and sprint out the door.

A few minutes later, you're arrived at the bus stop.  You're just about to reach the bus shelter when you trip over your own legs and fall over onto the concrete.  All that time in Project Luhan certainly didn't get you used to running around!  You look over at your feet and notice that your shoe is untied, so you pause for a moment to catch your breath and then reach over to your shoelaces, when you suddenly hear a loud banging noise and a crash.  You look up just in time to see a car speed off.  The rear passenger window is rolled down and a young girl who looks about your age stares at you as she vanishes down the road, she's waving her arms out the window, she seems angry.  A bystander comes up to you, an older woman.

"Are you alright?" she asks, staring down art you.

"Yeah, I'm okay, I just fell over."  You start dusting off your knees and gradually stand up.

"That woman tried to shoot you!  You should call the police!" she exclaims.  You look up at the bus shelter, and notice that the glass is cracked, with a small hole in the middle.  A shiver runs through your body as you realise that she's right, and that your accidental fall probably made you a harder target and saved you from a bullet wound.

"I... don't have a phone", you reply, in shock and not really knowing what else to say.  It's not a lie, your phone was confiscated when you entered Project Luhan and none of the contraband phones you acquired during your stay survived the escape.

The older lady gets her own phone out and starts dialing, slowly.  In the meantime you notice that the bus is pulling up.  You quickly get on and pay your fare.

"You can't leave!  Bus driver, someone shot at her!" the old lady yells at you from the pavement as you look around for the first vacant seat.

The bus driver looks at you.  "Ignore her, she's insane, just some crazy old lady", you quickly say to him, trying to be as calm about it as possible so you look sane and she looks nuts.  It works - the bus driver nods, shutting the door and speeding off, as you grab a seat next to a girl about your age.
You spend the next few minutes catching your breath and looking out the window, noting the surroundings and trying to work out how close you're getting to the CJE&M building, where Luhan presumably is right now, or if not, maybe someone who can lead you to Luhan.  You start thinking about Luhan, and how you'll meet soon, and you start humming the intro for EXO's "Mama" in your head.  You think about how "Mama" is probably the best song in the world by anyone ever, apart from EXO's other songs which are all equally good.  You're sure that their music will be rubbish now that Luhan is gone though, it won't have that special Luhan magic.  Your thoughts are interrupted by a tap on the shoulder, it's the girl next to you.

"EXO-L?" she asks you.

You nod.  She looks maybe a year younger than you, the girl stares at you intently, not breaking eye contact or even blinking.

"Luhan fan?"

You nod again.  The girl stares at you for a few more seconds, and then resumes ignoring you.  You breathe a sigh of relief, and return to looking out the window, when all of a sudden, you see the CJE&M logo on the side of a building and let out a small involuntary scream which makes the rest of the bus stare at you.  This must be the place!


You press the buzzer to be let off, the bus driver pulls up abruptly and you charge outside into the street as fast as you're able.  You start running towards the building but you feel something stopping your legs from moving... that girl from the bus has followed you and has attached herself to your right leg.

"You're not going to see Luhan!  Luhan is MINE!" she screams, digging into your shin with her fingernails and making you stumble.  You try to kick her away but she just tightens her grip, drawing blood, the pain is excruciating.  Thinking quickly, you remember the TV show you watched in your bedroom back in Korea.  You grab the small black bag out of her pocket and hold it in front of her face so she can see it clearly.

"Oh my god, it's got his name on it!  Give it!  Give it now!" she squeals.

You throw the bag across the street where it lands in the traffic median strip.  The girl lets go of your leg and instantly runs across the street to collect the bag, right in front of the oncoming traffic.  The sound of squealing brakes and a sickening metal crunch follows as the girl is knocked over onto the road by a concrete-mixing truck, which then is rear ended by the car behind it who didn't expect the sudden stop.  The force of the car hitting the concrete truck from the rear pushes the truck forward another few feet, with the front wheel rolling right on top of the girl's arm - she screams loudly as she is pinned.  All traffic now halted, you quickly run over to the median strip, pick up the black bag and scoot off in the direction of the CJE&M building, ignoring the screams of the girl.  You think about how it's just as well you recovered the bag, it's got your passport and money in there - not that you'll need either once you meet Luhan, because he'll fall madly in love with you and take care of everything.

The automated sliding glass doors part and you enter the foyer of the CJE&M building.  You look around, the foyer is covered in blood and wood splinters.  There are about six young girls here, all dead, lying around on random parts of the foyer floor.  One of the girls is completely missing a leg and lies in a large pool of blood, the others have various torso and limb wounds which you try not to look at closely, although it's hard not to stare.  They're all holding weapons: pistols, knives, machetes, there's also a large amount of bullet holes in the wooden veneer wall behind the reception desk.  You walk carefully up to the reception desk, and notice that the receptionist is slumped back in her chair, also dead, with what looks like multiple gunshot wounds.

There was obviously a large fight here, you can only guess from what you've experienced so far that the girls were fighting each other to be the one to see Luhan. You think about how you hadn't expected this level of danger, and that you'd better be prepared.  You scout the foyer and grab the most dangerous, menacing-looking weapon that you can figure out how to use - a large machete.  You wipe the blood off the blade onto one of the foyer pot plants, and wave the machete around a couple times in the air.  How hard can it be to use this?  Surely not very.  You feel slightly more secure as you walk over to the lifts and hit the button to call a lift to the ground floor.

The lift arrives and you get in.  The inside of the lift is covered in blood spatters.  There's a girl inside, about your age, crouching in the corner, obviously very afraid.  She sees you and instantly puts her hands up.

"I don't want to see Luhan!  I just happen to be here!  Please let me live!" she pleads.

You point the machete at her, but also slowly back away, allowing her to escape the lift, and motion with your head for her to get out.  You don't want to kill her (or anybody), but you also don't trust her (or anybody - except Luhan) - you just want her out of the way, so she's not between you and Luhan, trying to be first.  If she wants to leave, so be it - one less obstacle to your happiness.

"Thank you, thank you!" she pants, as she gets up and runs across the foyer and out of the building.

You notice as she runs away from you that she is wearing an EXO backpack.  What a liar, she was clearly here to meet Luhan, why else would she be here.  Oh well, she's out of your hair now.

The lift doors start automatically closing so you punch the button to re-open them and step inside.  You look at the lift buttons, and sigh.  It's not a conventional lift control, but a security keypad.


What to type in?  You press some random numbers and after four numbers are displayed, a beep sounds and nothing happens.  You start thinking that maybe it's better to take the stairs, when you punch in Luhan's birthdate "2004" (2oth April) and the lift comes to life.  So obvious.

A few floors up and the lift makes a bell sound and the doors slide open.  You gasp in astonishment as you see Luhan staring right at you, waiting in the lift bay!  He's been expecting you!


You drop the machete and charge up to Luhan, wrapping your arms around him, giving him a hug.  Luhan immediately falls over with you on top of him, like there's no weight to him at all.  Then you realise that this isn't just an illusion created by poor idol diet, there in fact is no weight to him at all, he is paper thin.  You've just hugged and toppled over not the real Luhan but a life-size cardboard cutout.  You'd be happy to see a cardboard Luhan cutout in any other circumstance apart from this one.  You start crying.

"Freeze!" yells a voice.  You turn to your left where the voice is coming from, there's a group of police officers forming a row across the lift bay.  They are wearing riot helmets and transparent plastic shields, and pointing weapons at you.

"Where's Luhan?" you whimper at them, tears in your eyes.

You feel a heavy impact as something lodges in your stomach - one of the police has fired something at you.  You look down and see something that looks like a cross between a dart and a syringe sticking out of your abdomen.  The syringe injects a green fluid into your torso, and you quickly fall asleep on the floor, on top of cardboard Luhan, together at last.

You wake up.  You look around, you’re in a small room, lying on a single bed.  One wall is made completely of bars, with a barred and locked door.  You also notice a toilet seat in the far corner.  That’s odd, why is there a toilet in the bedroom… then it occurs to you that you’re actually in a cell of some kind.  You start to wonder why... but then you realise, you know why.  There is a poster above your head, which looks like this:


Can it be real?  Are you dreaming, or are you back in Project Luhan?  Didn't Project Luhan burn down? The poster looks quite torn and ratty, but the wall it's stuck to is freshly painted.  You look across from your cell.  Prisoner #1063 is there, muttering to herself, she seems the same as ever although her eyebrows look a little different to before.  You scan your surroundings - the cells also look different, they don't look exactly like the ones you were in for all those months, the walls are a different colour, the paint is fresher, the beds and toilet pans are in different positions to before, the layout of the cell block isn't quite the same.

You hear footsteps approaching, a security guard.  It's John, the familiar guard from Project Luhan... but his uniform is different, it's a different colour and now carries the CJE&M logo.  He looks at you, a look of recognition.

"Just coming to clean your cells", he says.

"Where am I?  What happened?" you ask.

"I'm just a contractor, I go where the work is", he replies.

I don't know what is worse: the song or the MV promoting the message that bestiality is okay. Everything about this piece of shit wants me to throw up, except for how good the members look.



When I reviewed SNSD's "Party," I said it was alright. A lot of people got mad at me for not saying it was a piece of shit. Of course the song is a piece of shit -- everything released by SNSD is shit. However, SNSD has their own scale because it's just too easy to say "SNSD released this song so of course it's shit." That's a universal truth just like saying "YG's music sucks gorilla cock." "Party" is alright compared to SNSD's other garbage, but it still sucked.

"Lion Heart" is even worse. There's not one redeemable aspect about this song. It has a weak-as-fucking-shit chorus repeating "Lion Shart" over and over. As anyone knows, the chorus should be the best part of the song, but the already bare-bones instrumental doesn't pick up or anything.

Homosexuals like Zaku tried comparing this to an A Pink song. However, Shinsadong Tiger actually creates melodies worth listening to and that are more complex than the diarrhea SNSD has been releasing this year. Sure, both songs are "light pop" or "bubblegum pop," and it's fine if you don't like that kind of pop music. However, "Lion Shart" doesn't really have a melody. Each instrument plays the same few notes in the same sequence the whole song, so once you have listened to the song for 4 seconds, you have heard the whole song. This is one of those boring-ass songs carried by the vocals, but if I wanted vocals to carry a song, I'd listen to some shit my Mariah Carey to help me fall the fuck asleep.

Anyway, the reason why I call this "Lion Shart" because this song is a shart. For those of you who don't know what a shart is, it is when you try to fart, but you end up shitting yourself. That's exactly what this song is. It was most likely intended to be a filler track on the album, so it wouldn't be that offensive because you could easily ignore the song. It's like how a fart's stench is only temporary. However, this is a promoted track, so this song is harder to remove from your conscious. That represents the shit in your underwear, as you have to run some hot water through your underwear as you rinse it off over the sink, and if they happened to be white, you'd also have to add some bleach when you put the underwear in the washer.

I would go look up some pictures to post here, but that would force me to think about this song more than one should have to.

Last week, I put SNSD's "Lion Heart" against "You Think" for Best Song. The results are in, and, let me just say, it was a REALLY close match. So, with a difference of only a few votes, "Lion Heart" takes the win (the results kept fluctuating, but most of the time, "Lion Heart" had more votes) barely. I guess some people just couldn't forgive that godawful rap break.

Moving on to this week's showdown, I'm gonna put Hyolin X Zico X Paloalto's "Dark Horse" against Rainstone X Brian McKnight X San E X Verbal Jint's "Rainstorm" for Best Random/Unexpected Collaboration.


"Dark Panda" was much better than I expected; however, I'm still gonna have to go with "Rainstorm" because, though very underrated (having around just 100k+ views), it's still one of the highest quality releases of all time. Or that's just my opinion, anyway. I'm really curious as to what the results of this showdown will be since both songs are pretty good in general.

I know this is shocking considering my first couple of articles outside the SHINee one was female centered. But the main reason HYS_Fag hired me was to bring in more fanservice for the straight female AKF readers as well homosexual males that read the blog. Have no fear: I am your girl. I will be doing this similar to how Oreo Monster did their Ultimate Kpop Music Awards Show. You guys chose the top five, then vote for the nominations, and the top picks will be in one giant post. Simply follow the link below, and enter your top 5 favorite male idols that you think have the best visuals among k-pop. I would just post some of my own faves, but I know my biases don't align with most people's so I'm leaving the choice up to you, the readers. 

Nominate Your Faves Here.

Hello again, friends! This week in ridiculous kpop news, we have a rapper who is most definitely not in a sex tape, a model whose breasts are most definitely not fake, and Namjoo:

• A Pink's Namjoo spreads her legs for fans. Such a sweetheart. 

• Gary's agency denies that sex tape is of him, issues formal statement, "That tattoo ain't even right, fools."

Future chipmunk couple?

• Super Junior and SNSD fans confused to find photocards of Exo refugee Tao in their albums.

• Actress Go Ah Sung describes what she learned researching office culture for current role. The "Office" star reveals that she could never work in an office, saying she was shocked at all the noise and the expressionless faces of late-night workers.

• Fitness model Yoo Seung Ok goes to extremes to prove her breasts are real. No, there's not any touching, but you will get to see a CT scan of her chest. 

• TVXQ's Yunho to toil away his 21 months of service in military band.

• Mamamoo's Moonbyul dances to Exo after talking about how she resembles Xiumin. It's that chipmunk look.

• And winner of this week's I Can't Believe It's News Award: Fans spot an AOA in the wild. 

From here, we can observe a Seolhyun gathering ice cream to take back to her nest. Beautiful creature.

So Dal Shabet are on some kind of vacation (i'm too lazy too check).

Normally, I wouldn't really care, but ...

this happened:

A photo posted by jo ka eun (@jjojjo_eun) on Aug 29, 2015 at 9:44pm PDT

But wait! There's more :D




Subin is the reason I check Instagram regularly.

A photo posted by sooobin (@dalsooobin) on Aug 29, 2015 at 9:30am PDT

A photo posted by sooobin (@dalsooobin) on Aug 29, 2015 at 9:31am PDT

A photo posted by sooobin (@dalsooobin) on Aug 29, 2015 at 9:55pm PDT

A photo posted by sooobin (@dalsooobin) on Aug 29, 2015 at 9:55pm PDT

... and Serri

A photo posted by 세리😘 (@shabet_serri) on Aug 29, 2015 at 10:32pm PDT

A photo posted by 세리😘 (@shabet_serri) on Aug 29, 2015 at 10:04pm PDT

Ahyoung seems cute, but don't be fooled! She has some deadly weapons on her!

A photo posted by 아영 (@a_young91) on Aug 29, 2015 at 7:55pm PDT

A video posted by 아영 (@a_young91) on Aug 29, 2015 at 5:18pm PDT

A video posted by 아영 (@a_young91) on Aug 29, 2015 at 7:44pm PDT

A photo posted by 아영 (@a_young91) on Aug 29, 2015 at 10:35pm PDT

I would even call her, better equipped than Subin.

And Jiyul is another top player (though her face is a bit lacking).

A photo posted by l.jiyul (@shabet_jiyul) on Aug 29, 2015 at 10:05pm PDT

A photo posted by l.jiyul (@shabet_jiyul) on Aug 29, 2015 at 11:40pm PDT

Woohee is the reason I stay alive <3

A photo posted by 우희 (@woohee91) on Aug 29, 2015 at 9:04pm PDT

Look at that back!

A photo posted by 우희 (@woohee91) on Aug 29, 2015 at 11:07pm PDT

A photo posted by 우희 (@woohee91) on Aug 29, 2015 at 11:28pm PDT

And Kaeun, well ... she knows she can't compare.

A photo posted by jo ka eun (@jjojjo_eun) on Aug 29, 2015 at 11:41pm PDT

But at least she knows what we like, and delivers:

A photo posted by jo ka eun (@jjojjo_eun) on Aug 29, 2015 at 10:16pm PDT

A photo posted by 세리😘 (@shabet_serri) on Aug 29, 2015 at 9:59pm PDT

Have you ever wondered what the fuck music reviewers are talking about when they discuss music genres in k-pop?  When is a piece of music one genre and not another?  Are these writers and journalists just pulling these music terms out of their ass or what?  It seems that many of you in fact wonder a lot about different music genres because I get questions all the time about it.  Of course, you could look the answers up on Wikipedia if you wanted, but what Wikipedia won't give you is the k-pop connection and k-pop music examples.  That's where Kpopalypse comes in!  If you've ever wondered about how to tell your pop from your rock, your ska from your reggae and your hip from your hop, then this is the post for you!



Before we get into all those funny music genre terms, let's cover some super-basic music theory bits and pieces.  I'm not writing a whole technical-ass thesis here on this part, this is just the basic points that you need to know to make sense of what comes later.  I'll do my best to write this in non-technical-up-the-ass language that should be easily understood by any drooling Hani-fancam-watching k-pop fapper.

Modern popular music (or "pop" music, in short) generally comprises four basic elements:

1. Melody - usually what's being sung by the lead singer, the bit that goes over the top of everything else and sticks in your head.  Or maybe it goes under everything else, if the singer is a male with a sexy low voice like Barry White or T.O.P.  In pop music the singer carries the melody most of the time, except during a solo or lead break where another instrument may carry the melody temporarily.  Melodies are built out of scales, the most common types of scales are major (happy-sounding) and minor (sad-sounding), but there are also others.  Scales are like roadmaps that give you the correct notes to play or sing to get certain types of melodies with certain moods and feelings.
2. Harmony - the other notes that fill the background behind what the lead singer does.  Whenever more than one note is played at one time, this is called a chord.  Three-note chords form the basis of most pop song harmony.  Chords are also built out of the same scales as melodies, and therefore can also be major (happy-sounding) or minor (sad-sounding), or something else.  Chords can be played by any instrument capable of playing more than one note simultaneously, or alternatively by groups of instruments or singers playing all the different notes together at once, which is called harmonising or a harmony part.  A choir is an example of harmony singing.  In this post, major chords will be represented by capital Roman numerals, and minor chords by lower case Roman numerals.
3. Rhythm - the part that you tap your foot to, also known as the beat.  Most modern pop music has four beats to each bar (the bar is the regular divide which is marked off when the rhythmic pattern repeats) and the beat can be fast or slow.  Beat speed is measured in BPM - beats per minute.  A typical uptempo dance-oriented k-pop song is usually about 130 BPM, but downtempo styles can have the beats going much slower than this!  The purpose of drums and drum machines in pop songs is to give emphasis to the beat, but other instruments and even vocals can also emphasise (or de-emphasise) the beat depending on how they're used.  It is possible to play a rhythm on the beat, and also to play off-beat (between the beats), or even syncopated rhythm (a mixture of on-beat and off-beat).
4. Texture - the tonal characteristics of the sound of whatever voice or instrument is being used to play the piece.  Every instrument and voice has its own texture or tonal quality, and pieces of music sound very different on one instrument versus another.  Texture also changes not just by virtue of the voice or instrument itself, but also depending on how an instrument is recorded.

With a few exceptions, most genre differences are a matter of differences in texture and rhythm.
The following is not a complete list of every music genre, just the ones that k-pop borrows from the most.  Which is a lot of them, as k-pop is a copyist form that borrows from whatever it can!  Some of the integrations of various styles are very subtle, others are very overt and obvious.  Not all of them are self-conscious!  The year designations and some of the descriptions of things are also fairly approximate so try not to fag about them, thank you.  In fact large portions of this post could even be complete bullshit so maybe don't use this post as a reference for your music thesis or whatever.  Just saying.


Medieval - the "classical" music style from about 400 AD to 1400 AD.  The first music notation of melody and rhythm appeared during this period.

EXO - Mama - the main hook of this song borrows (loosely) from Gregorian chant, a medieval vocal style which was either monophonic or moved in fixed rigid intervals.

Renaissance - the "classical" music style from about 1400 to 1600.  During this time the first practice of melodic counterpoint came into being - two melodies juxtaposed with sympathetic intervals, some dissonant ("bad sounding") and some consonant ("good sounding").  In this style "bad" intervals were permissible as long as they were "resolved" to good intervals.  This practice of building tension with a bad interval before resolving it to a nicer sounding one was called a "suspension".  Later this practice evolved into chords, hence the "suspended chord".

F-ve Dolls - Can You Love Me? - suspensions and resolutions in melodic counterpoint style can be heard in several moments during the song, most noticeably in the chorus where the main vocal melody harmonises against a violin melody underneath it, but also in other sections.

Baroque - the "classical" music style from about 1600 to 1750.  The first norms of western harmony were standardised around this time, so music from this era tends to be exceptionally melodic and harmonious, in other words, there is little "dissonance" or harshness to the sound.  Also the first bust-enhancing garments happened at around this time.

Hello Venus - Would You Stay For Tea? - the majority of this song's harmony is completely based on Baroque piece "Canon In D" by Johann Pachelbel.

Romantic - the "classical" music style from about 1830 to 1910.  During this period orchestras became bigger, and improvements in instrument technology allowed for greater volume and deeper bass.  This style is characterised by extreme dynamic contrast between loud and soft sections.

IU - Cruel Fairy Tale - the heavily orchestrated sound and wide dynamics in use here are fairly obviously influenced by Romantic period orchestral music.


Flamenco - a acoustic guitar-driven music style originating from Spain, featuring fast fingerpicking, subtle vibrato and strong rhythmic flourishes.

The Seeya - The Song Of Love - flamenco guitar style adapted to k-pop.

Blues - a folk music form which evolved from the chants of slaves in the southern states of the USA, along with other styles such as gospel and jazz.  Blues is characterised by the use of a scale that is neither strictly major nor minor, boredom, and harmonic rules which blur the line between major and minor tonality.  Almost all blues songs have the same chord progression (I-IV-I-V-IV-I over 12 bars, the "12-bar blues"), with only slight variations.

Lee Hi - It's Over - although a far cry from the original blues in terms of k-pop's typical hi-production gloss, "It's Over" conforms to all the stylistic elements of blues in terms of melody and harmony, and the song follows the traditional 12-bar blues chord progression exactly.

Gypsy Jazz/Hot Club Jazz - a European jazz style from the 1930s, characterised by complex chords, light rhythms and fast guitar playing.  "Jazz" sounds a bit like "jizz" and this is not coincidental as most jazz is basically just people jerking off in other people's faces.

IU - Love Of B - this song is completely 100% in the Gypsy Jazz style, a deliberate soundalike complete with guitar solos reminiscent of Gypsy Jazz pioneer Django Rinehardt.

Swing - jazz played with a "big band" featuring a strong rhythm and large brass and woodwind sections.  Popular from the 1930s to the 1950s.  "Swing", like "jazz", is also a euphemism because swing bands had a lot of members and they would swap partners and fuck each other randomly a lot (remember AIDS wasn't a thing back then), hence the term "swinger" for someone with multiple sexual partners.  I'm probably not making this up.

IU - The Red Shoes - IU again!  Rest assured this isn't the last time k-pop's biggest genre chameleon will appear in this list.

Bebop - a jazz style characterised by faster tempos, complex chords and improvisation.  Unlike previous jazz styles, bebop was designed to be listened to rather than danced to, hence the rhythms and tempos are often highly-syncopated, fast and not "dance-friendly" or even "listener-friendly".

TVXQ - Something - from 3:28 this song has a "bebop breakdown".  Better than dubstep I guess.


Bossanova - a style of jazz music originating from Brazil which combines smooth jazz chords and melodies with the Brazilian Samba rhythm.

IU - Obliviate - hello IU, genre-shopping again I see.  I wonder if IU's formidable bedroom antics are accompanied by this sort of music.

R&B - stands for "Rhythm and Blues".  A dog-whistle genre term if ever there was one: R&B songs were originally called "race records" and the term really just meant "pop music sung by black people instead of white people".  If you're thinking "gosh now that seems a bit racist", you'd be correct!  After World War II racism gradually fell out of favour in the West so the term "race records" wasn't considered appropriate and was replaced with the friendlier-sounding "R&B" which gradually took on a stylistic character of its own.  Contemporary R&B (Beyonce, Whitney Houston) sounds quite different to the R&B of the mid-20th century, and R&B doesn't have to be specifically performed by black people anymore, but what R&B of all types shares is blues/gospel-influenced vocal style and melodies.

Spica - You Don't Love Me - a conscious attempt to rework the R&B style of the 1960s.

Ailee - U&I - an example of a more contemporary R&B sound.

Doo-wop -  a popular music style of the 1950s featuring groups of vocalists who would harmonise chords closely, the earliest form of "boy group/girl group pop".  Almost all doo-wop songs use the same chord progression (I-vi-IV-V).

Secret - Shy Boy - this song borrows much of the sonics of the doo-wop style (as well as the fashions of the period in the music video), although the chord progression used is actually the contemporary pop "four chords" progression of I-V-vi-IV.

LaBoum - Sugar Sugar - this song uses the traditional doo-wop I-vi-IV-V progression (with an extra I at the end of each chord rotation) and is sonically a little closer to the doo-wop style as a result, but the rhythms are however closer to 1960s usage.

Rock - although originating in the 1950s as a louder, faster version of the blues with artists like Chuck Berry and Elvis Presley, rock music (originally called "Rock & Roll", another euphemism, this time a reference to "rocking and rolling" beneath the sheets) became a true genre unto itself in the 1960s with the advent of The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and countless similar groups who pushed rock further and further away from its 12-bar blues roots.

Jaurim - Deviation - I think we all know what rock sounds like, this is just a heads-up that Jaurim exists, and this song has a bit of a 60s rock flavour.

Yery Band - Snow Love - Did you know that this song exists?  Now you do.

Ska - a popular music form originating in Jamaica, with heavy emphasis on fast off-beat rhythms.

Sunny Hill - Midnight Circus - a soundalike not of the original Jamaican ska but of the English pop-ska group Madness.

Kingston Rudieska & Dr. Ring Ring - Discovery Of Life - a Korean group imitating the original ska sound much more closely.

Soul - similar to "R&B", "Soul" as a genre term is highly ambiguous, and the two genre terms are often used interchangeably.

Wonder Girls - Nobody - a copy of the 1960s "Motown sound" (complete with visual styling to match), a soul sub-genre popularised most famously by The Supremes.

Funk - a fast, danceable hybrid of rock and R&B/soul music that originated in the late 1960s, with instruments played in syncopated 16-beat patterns (each of the four beats in the bar divided into four smaller beats, creating 16 subdivisions of a bar).  The word "funk" comes from a way to describe odours, a "funky" smell is one you might have if you haven't washed your ass correct after a round of ass-fucking in the sexually liberated late 1960s.

Primary ft. Lena Park - Hello - all the elements of funk are present in this song with the exception of syncopated drums.

Apink - Nonono - funk guitar style is used here in the intro but vanishes once the song proper kicks in.

CNBlue - Hey You - funk guitar again in the verses, but not the choruses.

Reggae - Jamaican Ska eventually evolved into Rocksteady, and then later into Reggae, with the beats getting more languid each step of the way.  Reggae is Ska's laid-back dope-smoking granddaughter, with Ska's traditional off-beat rhythms usually slowed down to approximately half-speed.

2NE1 - Falling In Love - this electronic pop-reggae hybrid still has the most important element of reggae intact - slower offbeat rhythms.

Skull - Because I Was Selfish - a more traditional reggae sound.


Metal - certain exponents of rock music became loud and intense enough to qualify as a completely different genre by about 1970.  Metal also borrowed some of the forms of classical music - high dynamic contrast, virtuoso playing, and pedal-point harmony (where one harmonic element remains constant while others revolve around it).  Metal shares a few elements in common with jazz, most notably the heavy emphasis on playing technique, and the huge proliferation of subgenres.

KARA - Wanna - pedal-point harmony and metal riffing is scattered all over this pure pop song.

Crash - Crashday - actual Korean metal in a more pure form, for contrast.

Disco - disco style took funk's fast rhythms but played down the syncopation and played up the four-on-the-floor dance grooves, first using guitars and acoustic drums and later with the help of drum machines and synthesised bass frequencies.

T-ara - Roly Poly - heavily inspired by Saturday Night Fever and The Bee Gees' disco period, "Roly Poly" probably will never be topped as the ultimate k-pop disco statement, musically or aesthetically.

Punk - ideologically it may have been a statement against 1970s progressive rock, but musically Punk ultimately emerged as the bastard child of pop and metal, favouring the same overdriven sound but major-key instead of minor-key tonality, catchy singable choruses and simpler guitar work.  The word "punk" is a prison term that comes from someone in jail who was used by other prisoners for anal sex, and correspondingly a lot of the early punk singers sounded like they were getting anally reamed while singing.

Girls' Generation - Way To Go - about as sugary as pop-punk gets, with layers of keyboard and vocals softening the sound.

The Geeks - Defining Moments - an example of contemporary Korean punk with few pop concessions, for contrast.

Dub Reggae - Jamaican Reggae DJs remixed the original reggae tracks, adding tape loops, echo effects, filters and equalisation, creating a whole new style in the process, one of the first truly electronic music genres.

Primary ft. Choa, Iron - Don't Be Shy - a very faithful recreation of the dub reggae sound.

Electronica - completely electronically-generated music without any acoustic instruments existed in the art-music realm since the Musique Concrete movement of the 1940s, but it was German group Kraftwerk who gave computer-driven noises their first true pop-cultural relevancy over 30 years later by combining machine sound with danceable rhythms and a curious pop aesthetic.

After School - Shh - the off-kilter syncopation and filtered keyboard textures used here are highly reminiscent of the early electronica sound.

Industrial - one of the first post-punk styles, Industrial music incorporated drums, tape loops, machines and whatever the hell else it wanted to create a no-rules genre that was rebellious and harsh in all the ways that punk wasn't.

T-ara - Yayaya - whenever k-pop veers towards an industrial sound it's probably always by accident.  I'm pretty sure E-Tribe weren't trying to turn T-ara into the next SPK or Psychic TV but this random venture into chaotic noise got closer than anyone else in k-pop regardless.

B-Free, Playstar, Sway D - Kawasaki - this is trying to be trap of course, but these guys will probably never know how close they got sonically to Throbbing Gristle's seminal burns-victim anthem "Hamburger Lady".


New Wave - as the first punk explosion swiftly petered out, punk rock sterilised its own safety pins and integrated its strong melodic sensibilites and occasional snark into pop music, creating a synthesiser-driven pop style full of melody and attitude.

UV with JYP - Itaewon Freedom - very consciously emulating the early 80s New Wave pop sound.

Dal Shabet - Big Baby Baby - a soundalike of Eurythmics' "Sweet Dreams".

IU & Fiestar - Sea Of Moonlight - a soundalike of a-ha's "Take On Me".

Rap - conceived in Jamaica but born in Brooklyn, rap music's vast influence on k-pop would take too long to cover here and is worthy of an entire post all its own.  Here's one that I prepared earlier.

Epik High - Born Hater - you all know what rap sounds like but here's an example anyway, just because.

T-ara - For You - just a reminder that no k-pop song is too sweet, soft or sensitive that it can't have a rap section included.

Hi-NRG - conceived in the late 70s but popularised in the 80s most notably by English production team Stock, Aitken and Waterman, Hi-NRG is an upbeat pop style influenced by New Wave as well as disco and funk, featuring ostinato (wide melodic interval) synthesised basslines and drum machines plus often heavily processed vocals, making it one of the most direct harbingers of the modern k-pop style.

Orange Caramel - Magic Girl - the ultimate realisation of Hi-NRG in k-pop, "Magic Girl" borrows heavily from several EnglishHi-NRGpophits.

Orange Caramel - Shanghai Romance - in fact that's just about all Orange Caramel ever do, at least on their feature tracks.

Crayon Pop - Saturday Night - many elements of the 80's Hi-NRG sound are also present here.

Glam rock - starting in the 70s but hitting market traction in the 80s, glam rock was the most pop-influenced end of metal, a huge commercial phenomenon and stars of the genre captured the hearts of fangirls as much as any k-pop idol.

H.A.M - TT Dance - glam rock in the verses, pure pop in the choruses.

New Jack Swing - a pop style that emerged in the late 8os and combined smooth harmony vocals with energetic, highly syncopated beats.

BTOB - WOW - a very faithful interpretation of the new jack swing style.

Girls' Generation - The Boys - Teddy Riley produced this track and was also the main producer in the US that spearheaded the New Jack Swing style.  Traces of the style's sonic choices can be heard in this song, even though the actual rhythm is not normally one used in New Jack Swing.

Dance-pop - the "idol pop" of the west that also emerged in the 80s, less syncopated than New Jack Swing and more organic sounding than Hi-NRG, but influenced by both.  Highly influential on k-pop, most k-pop groups have at least one song that fits this category.

Apink - LUV - a direct iteration of the late 80s/early 90s female dance-pop sound.

P-funk - stands for "Parliament/Funkadelic", a funk group who played a style with squared-off drums, electronically-modified bass and high-pitched synthesiser melodies carrying the hook.  The style became popular in rap music in the early 90s as an easily-created alternative to sampling other people's beats before gradually transitioning into other popular western music.

Hyosung - Into You - a soundalike of Spice Girls' "Say You'll Be There", a pop song heavily influenced by the P-funk sound.

Nu-Metal - a metal subgenre which attempted to combine rap vocal style and beats with metal riffing and sonics.

B.A.P - Power - a fairly accurate recreation of the nu-metal style.


Electro - a deliberately retro pop style that revisited many 80s sounds, most notably gated drum machines and heavy synthesisers, but now combined with modern production and songwriting sensibilities.

T-ara - Like The First Time - a soundalike of La Roux' "In For The Kill".

Ennio Morricone style - a well-known film composer, most famously responsible for the iconic music from the "Dollars" trilogy of Spaghetti Western films, which combined 50s style surf and tremolo guitar, heavy orchestration, dramatic melodies and electronic elements.  Although the music had a naturalistic sound, much of it was machine-generated.  Morricone also dabbled in pop music among other experimental styles.

Gangkiz - Mama - a near-perfect adaptation of Morricone's peculiar aesthetic into a pop song.

T-ara - Day By Day - and again.

Brown Eyed Girls - Kill Bill - close but no Italian cigar - "Kill Bill" incorporates the textures of Morricone, but not the melodic choices, instead inserting them into a more plain, generic k-pop format.  No accident in this case as Quentin Tarantino, director of Kill Bill, is a big Ennio Morricone fan and uses his work and other soundalikes in many of his films.

ABBA style - Swedish pop group ABBA's mid-tempo pop songs were huge hits especially in Australia, and their unique style of pop music production included anthemic vocal melodies enhanced with heavily layered overdubs and aural excitation.

T-ara - Wae Iroeni (Why Are You Being Like This) - the closest k-pop has gotten to the iconic ABBA style, "Wae Iroeni" isn't copying any particular ABBA song but is certainly made up of similar building blocks to most of the better ones.

Marching band style - any music with rhythms almost exclusively carried by rapid snare drum on every beat.

HISTORY ft. IU - Dreamer - a good example.

Oh My Girl - Cupid - another example, slightly more rhythmically erratic.

Roly Poly style - the ultimate feature track in k-pop is T-ara's "Roly Poly" and naturally everyone wants their own version to scrape some cream off the top of the pie of awesome.  Roly Poly uses an inverse of the "four chords" I-V-vi-IV progression by starting on the vi, since harmony is relative to the root this makes the progression i-VI-III-VII.  Roly Poly style combines this minor-key variant with upbeat disco sensibilities and hot girls who you would fap to.

Girl's Day - Oh My God - a devastatingly cheesy salvo of Roly Poly cloneage.

Crayon Pop - FM - Crayon Pop pretty much are T-ara 2.0, so why not go all the way?

Mid-tempo ballad style - songs which generate the emotional feel of a slow sentimental song, using similar soaring melodies but without the slow dirgy pace that makes you want to kill your family and then kill yourself.

SoReal - My Heart Says - male success.

T-ara - I Know The Feeling - female success.


Dubstep - a briefly fashionable electronic dance style featuring midrange heavy analog synth riffs and languid beats.

Younique Unit - Maxstep - a rare example of k-pop incorporating dubstep sonics into 100% of a song as opposed to just during a breakdown.

Trap/Crunk - an aptly-named modern rap music form that started in the early 1990s but took almost two decades to gain market acceptance in pop music, characterised by funeral-slow synthesised beats and rhymes, often overlaid with sound effects and rapid, often varying hi-hat subdivisions.

CL - The Baddest Female - a reasonably faithful high-production incorporation of the trap sound into k-pop.

G-Dragon - Coup D'etat - and another one.

GAPP - z'ill - although in k-pop high production versions are common, one of the reasons for trap's popularity is that the style is very bare-bones so it's easy to create the music with cheap equipment and a low budget.

Slow ballad style - further down the boredomsphere is the typical slow k-pop ballad, usually buried on albums as filler material rather than actually released into the wild.  Occasionally labels get a bit bold and crazy and think somebody wants to hear this crap.

Girl's Day - I Miss You - your typical dime-a-dozen k-pop ballad.  There are literally thousands of these made every year.

2NE1 - Missing You - only kicks into slow ballad gear in the chorus, with the rest of the song sounding like it's going somewhere interesting (spoiler alert: it doesn't).

Korea is a boring country full of boring people ballad style - even something like 2NE1's ballads might be too edgy for Koreans who seem to like their music as bland as possible.

Busker Busker - Cherry Blossom Ending - a massive hit in Korea.  Can't you just tell?

Akdong Musician - Melted - no.  Just no.

SM The Ballad - Breath - there's time to listen to music like this when you're dead.

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Hopefully this has been a totally education trip for you into various genres!  And if not, hopefully you were entertained!  Kpopalypse will return with more postings of trufax!

It's ime for fapcams of "Wiggle Wiggle," which almost perfectly fits the spirit of this series.

I had a hard time choosing an "original" fancam, but after quite some time, I decided to use this one:


Why Seoyoung and not Alice or any other member? Simple:

1. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
2. Her facial expressions makes everything better. (This skill would make her AV goddess.)


Let's see if any of the "covers" is better than the "original."

Wow, August wasn't completely deplorable. Let's see what my embarrassing taste has seen me listening to on repeat this month.

Best song

Runners-up

"다 비켜봐" (Song Mino feat. Zico and Paloalto)

"GXNZI" (Basick feat. Vasco)

"거북선" (Ja Mezz, Andup, and Song Mino feat. Paloalto)

Worst song

Runners-up

"Stalker" (Beat Win)

"Just Like U" (Primary feat. Yankie and Jessi)

Winner

"Dream Candy" (APRIL)

Most improved artist

DinDin

Most exciting production for a nugu pop group

"Shadow" (The Legend)

Most exciting production for a nugu rapper

"Queen Cobra" (Nob.K feat. Don Mills)

Best pastiche of a bygone era

"I Feel You" (Wonder Girls)

Best non-'SMTM' track

"Where U At?" (JJCC)

If you're new to Kpop, you might have heard people here and there talking about how crazy Kpop fans can be. But you may not know what the fuck is going on. If that's the case, then this article, my friend, is for you. If you aren't really new to Kpop and know all about retarded fans, then get ready to nod your head and relate.


So without further adieu, let's go through the types of fans, more specifically, types of Kpop fans, because we don't give two shits about anything that's not Kpop in this blog.

1. The Creepy Fan

2. The Horny Fan

I think the Creepy Fan would be more fitting for this guy, though.

3. The Overly-Hyper Fan/The Fangirl

4. The "Cool" Fan

5. The Not-A-Fan Fan

7. The Observer

Avid k-pop fans are having the trouble telling the difference between Crayon Pop's twins, Choa and Way.  Kpopalypse is here to help!


There are already several helpfulguides available online to assist Crayon Pop fans to tell the difference between these two girls, so a simple websearch should give you all that you need to tell Choa and Way apart under normal circumstances.  But what about those more unusual circumstances in life where the distinction may not be immediately obvious, but where it might still be important to be able to differentiate between the two girls?  Read on for a helpful list of questions and answers that I've prepared, which will help you and the people you love differentiate Choa and Way in those crucial important times of need!

THE CRAYON POP TWINS IDENTIFICATION TEST

Scenario 1: You're at school, talking among your friends.  One of your friends says that Crayon Pop is great, and you reply that you've never really been all that into them, and you're concerned about their iljin thug lifestyle influencing k-pop fans.  Later on that day, a posse of 100 girls is waiting for you at the front gate as you leave for the day and they kick your ass all the way home.  Who organised your ass-beating, Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.


Scenario 2: You're a well-known western pop star, and a big Crayon Pop fan, so you've hired them to open for your big arena tour of the USA.  You stand at the side of the stage and watch their show, one of the twins seems more hyped than usual and carries the crowd in the palm of her hand.  Then you go backstage, and you realise why - all the lines of methamphetamine that your backstage handlers had prepared for you have already been snorted!  Which twin is responsible for the theft of your valuable hard drugs supply, Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.


Scenario 3: You're an uncle fan pervert and you're at a Crayon Pop concert, watching the Crayon Pop twins'... twins.  In a frenzy of extreme sexual frustration and loneliness, you jump onto the stage and attempt to grope one of the girl's boobs.  Prepared for your advance, the girl in question expertly dodges the grope attempt while the group's security block you, escort you outside and beat the shit out of you.  Which twin was the target of your misguided creepy affections, Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.


Scenario 4: You're at a scenic lookout on top of a high cliff face, watching the sunset.  There is also a big crowd of tourists here, and the Crayon Pop girls are here too, looking at the view.  You can see the twins are getting frustrated as they are shorter than most people here and it's hard for them to see over the shoulders of the taller tourists in front of them.  Suddenly, you hear a scream as a man falls over the guard rail to his death.  He was standing right in front of the twins, who begin whispering to each other and acting suspiciously.  Which twin is responsible, Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.


Scenario 5: You're at home minding your own business when suddenly a horse's severed head flies through the window and lands on your bed.  Obviously Crayon Pop are responsible so you call the police, who arrive quickly and detain all five girls.  The Crayon Pop members cooperate with the police and allow themselves to be handcuffed, knowing that they can buy their way out of jail later.  The police then get out their clubs and start savagely beating one of the twins, even though she is not resisting arrest.  Is the victim of police brutality Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.


Scenario 6: You're in the front row at a Crayon Pop guerilla concert at a shopping centre when suddenly you realise you need to do some Internet banking, so you pull out your phone and check your bank balance online using the shopping centre's free wi-fi.  The next day, you notice unauthorised withdrawals on your account, debited to "Way's Girls Redistribution Fund".  You know Crayon Pop are responsible, but who performed this cybercriminal activity, Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.


Scenario 7: You're at home minding your own business when you hear a loud shout of "keu-ray-eon-pop!" and then your front door is kicked in.  The Crayon Pop twins have invaded your house, and you remember that you never did get around to making that Western Union money transfer to Way's Girls.  With nowhere to hide, you use your amazing ninja powers to cling to the ceiling in your hallway, hoping that the twins pass under you and don't look up and detect your presence.  One of the twins doesn't notice, but the other one sees you hanging down from the ceiling out of the corner of her eye.  "Jumping, jumping, I see" she says, staring up at you.  Who has spotted you, Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.


Scenario 8: The Crayon Pop twins have invaded your house again, so they can attempt to recover your large accumulated debts to Way's Girls.  Now knowing that the threat is real, you've prepared for this raid in advance, and you are hiding in a basement part of your house underneath the lounge room floorboards, accessible only through a secret door hidden behind your bookcase.  After a long scan of the house, the Crayon Pop girls are about to leave, when you accidentally cough - you try to suppress it as best you can, but one of the twins shouts "Wait!  He's under the floorboards!"  Which of the twins has heard you - Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.



Scenario 9: You're a man with an abnormally large penis and you're down at the toilet of your local strip club getting an anonymous blowjob through a hole in the cubicle wall.  The person giving you the blowjob in the next cubicle seems to be having trouble fitting their lips around your cock.  Eventually the person gives up and someone else starts, the fit of the new person's mouth is just right and you cum quickly.  After you clean yourself off, you exit the cubicle and you see Choa and Way, both wiping their mouths and talking about the large cock they just sucked.  Who did you cum inside of, Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.


Scenario 10: You failed to meet your monthly protection payments to Way's Girls yet again and you are being tortured in the basement of the Chrome Entertainment building.  You are strapped into a chair and the masked girl in front of you asks you again where her payment is.  She produces a small saw blade and explains that it is a medical-grade saw especially designed for sawing into bone, and advises you that you will be given a practical demonstration of this shortly.  She waves the blade in front of your face, and you notice engraved on the blade are the words "with love, from Jessica - hope you find this as useful as I did - keu-ray-eon-pop!".  Who is torturing you, Choa or Way?  Cllick the picture for the answer.


Perhaps you got all the questions right, but if not - don't worry, at least this was a "dry run" and your life wasn't really in danger!  Hopefully this guide has been helpful and you can now differentiate between Choa and Way in all circumstances!  Feel free to bask in your newfound wisdom and enlightenment!