It's time for a Kpopalypse book review, and not just any book review but a christian book review!  Read on and discover all about the disgusting idol-worshipping heathen Kpopalypse's encounter with spiritual k-pop literature!

 PRAYERS FOR OPPA

From K-pop to J-pop, A devotional for performers and their fans

 

I got a nice surprise the other day when this book turned up in my pigeonhole at the radio station, sent to me by some intrepid caonima perhaps intrigued about what I might think about this material.  Or maybe it was sent by the publishing company or even the author herself, although I doubt it.  The package came with no note or any indication of the identity of the sender, but did come with a receipt from amazon.com which revealed that the sender spent nearly as much on shipping and handling as they did on the actual book, so whoever you are, thank you sincerely!  That's one more entertaining review for you and also one less original blog idea I have to think up this year.

There's two types of christian media out there, whether it be in the form of books, films, songs, performance art or whatever.  The first type is the broad, secular type - the type which seeks to keep the christianity mostly under the radar and presents christian morals, ethics and values in a package that doesn't appear overtly christian at least at first glance, with the hope of acquiring as large a non-christian audience as possible.  The aim is to gently introduce christianity and christian values to the non-christian audience in as non-irritating a way as possible and maybe eventually down the track score some conversions out of it, or if not then at least some money.  Nu-metal group P.O.D fit into this category (the band title meaning "Payable On Death", i.e answering to god for your actions when you die), as do rappers Insane Clown Posse, and the last book that I reviewed "Hello I Love You" was also definitely of this type.

The other type of christian media is the type that is overtly christian in every sense, written both by christians and for christians, and isn't really trying to be relevant or useful to anyone outside of this context to any great extent.  Sure, if the media did acquire a wider audience the creators of it certainly wouldn't be upset, but the primary aim is actually just to appeal and cater to the narrower christian market only.  "Prayers For Oppa" is absolutely in this second category, and naturally as a practicing Rainaist (i.e not a christian) this presented to me a challenge upon reading the book.  How can my filthy sinning fornicating satanic Raina-fapping self remain objective and neutral to a book that is entirely aimed at christians and about the subject of effective devotional christian prayer?  I couldn't use my old standby tactics of getting my girlfriend or cat to read the book as neither would be willing to tolerate it, so I read the back of the book for clues:


Even though I've never been religious as and adult or even as a teenager, religion as a concept always appealed to me very much, and still does.  Having a handy instruction manual for life such as the Bible must be very useful - if you're not sure how to deal with a particular situation in life, the Bible probably has some helpful moral guidance for you.  For instance you might be thinking of stealing one of your friend's Orange Caramel albums, fapping to a picture of Raina inside, cumming all over it, gluing the pages of the photobook together with your jizz, and then replacing the photobook in your friend's bookshelf in the hope that he/she doesn't notice.  If you were not religious, you would have to make up your own mind about whether performing this action was morally good, which may involve stressful brain-cell activity and important decisions that you would then have to take responsibility for.  However if you were to read the Bible first, you might read the bit about how stealing is wrong, and now that you know it's wrong according to the Bible you are free from having to think about it too hard, you can just follow the Bible's guidance and not spunk all over Raina's striped shirt in the "My Copycat" booklet (you're missing out - but to each their own).  Of course the Bible doesn't cover every situation ever, so this is where a conversation with your priest or christian friends might come in handy.  Either way, christianity presents a helpful pathway through life, freeing you from the stress of making your own tricky moral decisions, and that's something I've always been a little envious of.

However the Bible doesn't really have a lot to say about the new wave of k-pop - although it's been a while since I read the Bible cover to cover I do vaguely remember a few references to hell being H.O.T - but being an older book none of the good recent k-pop stuff is referenced in there.  Your priest is also unlikely to know much about the current Hallyu wave, which is a pity for him because I'm sure he would really enjoy groups like April that seem specifically geared for a parish audience.

Enter Teresa Santoski, who seems to be following recent developments in k-pop fairly closely, and isn't afraid to throw down on k-pop-related topics.  For instance she dropped a blog about the recent BTS concert debacle, and is sane enough to know that fans are batshit crazy enough to be a genuine safety threat to k-pop performers, so she's ready and willing to give you the guidance that you crave as a christian about how to deal with that Siwon fanservice that the Bible isn't talking about and that your priest (who only knows "Gangnam Style") is oblivious to.  I'm not even making this up - there is actually a chapter in the book that covers fanservice.  How useful is this advice?

Each topic in the book is dealt with briefly, with a short spiel about the topic in general, the author's unfalteringly christian point of view on this topic, two prayers, and two Bible verses.  One prayer and Bible verse is for the performer's use ("how do I cope with x, I need spiritual guidance") and the other prayer and Bible verse is for the fan ("how do I cope with oppa going through x, I need spiritual guidance - and a life of my own").  Each of these topics lasts about four smallish pages on average with fairly large text, and I blew through the entire book in the fairly short train ride home from the radio station.  Individual group or performer names are deliberately not specified, nor are genders (despite the baiting "oppa" title) - the book aims to be a "one size fits all" reference material for if you should find yourself in a troubling spiritual situation concerning any topic presented.  There are tons of Bible quotes for each entry, and the ratio of quoted Bible text vs original text from the author is about 1:1.  I'll now summarise for you each topic, and how the "christian solution" is presented (with some slight paraphrasing for entertainment purposes).

LONELINESS - you are never really lonely because there is god.  Get over it, you whiny bitch.

IMAGE - "performers should manage their professional image in a way that reflects their identity as a child of god".  Does not specifically forbid sexy concepts.

FATIGUE - schedules are demanding, but if you're christian then god gives you all the strength you need, so toughen up, princess.  Exactly how this strength is physically transferred isn't specified, I guess you are supposed to get it by "thinking pure thoughts" or somesuch.

HUMILITY - god is better than you.  Don't get too proud, you're just a piece of dirt you little cunt.

FANS - fans are nuts.  Why don't you freaky drooling fans all go to church instead and think about how awesome god is rather than bothering oppa who is only a sinful human and probably faps to JAV stars getting molested in subway cars.

SUCCESS - god doesn't care about chart position, and he still loves you even if you're nugu - as long as you are doing what god wants, not what you want.  You selfish piece of crap.

SHARING GOD WITH OTHERS - spread the gospel!  We need more people to buy christian books like this one.

GOSSIP AND RUMOURS - if you are the subject of rumours it's probably your own fault for being a filthy cunt-stuffing slattern and not living in a godlike manner, if you're doing the right thing by god there should be no rumours about you.  But if people make some rumours up anyway, don't worry because the truth that you're completely boring and uninteresting will come out in the end.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE - You shouldn't mess with god's creation by changing your appearance because god made you perfectly, but if you do change things he still loves you anyway, so you might as well go ahead and get that jawshave, fuck it.

LOVE - god is love, and that guy you've been fucking in the backseat of Shinsadong Tiger's SUV with the tinted windows probably is an asshole who talked shit to all his boy-group buddies after about how you like anal even though you didn't even let him put it in there.

DISCOURAGEMENT - don't worry if you're a fucking failure because only god is perfect and you're a fucking useless mortal loser, so set your expectations low.  There, feel better?

DIFFICULTY GETTING WORK - trust god, he will help.  Hopefully this thought brightens your day when you're told to suck off a sponsor's rancid penis to pay back some debt.

FAN SERVICE - know "where to draw the line".  If unsure, seek god for guidance, or failing that I suppose you could ask another christian.

GOOD HEALTH - staying healthy is hard for performers but don't worry because "god is the ultimate source of strength", even better than Tahiti's sweet potato and brown rice diet.

PERFORMANCE SAFETY - god knows everything, including where that funny panel in the floor is that will give out if you put too much pressure on it.  Don't worry too much about the stage manual, consult god for all your OH&S compliance needs.

HEALING - but if you do get fucked up because you fell through the bit where the rotating light is supposed to come out of the floor, god will heal you.  You might miss a few schedules though.

SAFE TRAVEL - "god wants us to reach our destinations safely".  Unless you're EunB and Rise, in which case I guess you're a special case, seeing as how he could have stopped that accident but he didn't bother to.  Those two must have done something really badass to fucking piss god off that much, maybe it was that cool-as-fuck satanic video.

BEFORE AND AFTER WORK - thank god before and after performances, and... something good will happen.  Or maybe it won't.  But at least he won't fuck you over like he did with those Ladies Code girls.  Probably.

TAKING A STAND - career be damned!  Stand up for your faith and don't co-operate with evil music industry forces if you're asked to do things that "don't honour god", like say, grocery shopping, or getting your toenails done, or blowing your nose, etc etc...

SOCIAL MEDIA - use it to talk about Jesus as much as possible.  Don't worry that you're being an annoying cunt, god's got your back, that's all that matters.

Some extra sections of the book:

INTRODUCTION - a neat intro about the book, by far the most interesting section.  She says the book isn't about encouraging performers to work hard, because they work hard enough.  Legit.

ADDITIONAL VERSES - some more verses relating to the above topics.

BECOMING A CHRISTIAN AND NURTURING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD - the attitude here is "it's comforting to be a christian because god will help you deal with life, plus you get "saved" when you die or whatever, so why not become one, nothing to lose, yeah?"  This method of thinking is also known as Pascal's Wager and is fundamentally flawed from a christian perspective because it appeals to selfishness which is not supposed to be a christian value.  John 3:16 is predictably quoted.  No other appeal to logical reasoning ("the Bible/christianity is correct because of x") is attempted.

TALKING POINTS FOR INTERVIEWS - tips for performers in the media spotlight on how to twist typical cliched interview questions ("what's your ideal type" etc) into an excuse to boringly blabber on about god instead of answering the fucking question.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS - she actually thanks the church for letting her borrow the cheap SM58 clone microphone for the book front cover photo, as well as the people who took photos of her for her website.  Why not go over to her website and appreciate these photos right now?

How useful is it?  Well, would any performers in k-pop read this?  Probably not, I mean... it's in English, for a start, plus it's written by an American which is always a minus, because in typical American style the author sees things from her own cultural perspective only, i.e she ignores that christianity is a minority religion in Korea.  Maybe the minority of god-bothering English-speaking American-raised k-pop stars like Tiffany would read it, but that'd probably be about it, so I think we can ignore the performer-focused section of the book as the author's fanciful wishful thinking, genuine k-pop stars would be just as likely to read the bullshit that I wrote as they would be to read this book.  Insane English-speaking fans are much more likely to pick this up however, and from an insane fan's point of view, even if you were a devout christian and did believe in the power of prayer and wanted to help oppa out you'd probably be better off using the money spent on this book to contribute to your favourite group's next food support event.  Furthermore, you're probably not going to listen to someone who looks like your aunt telling you to back off from oppa's sinewy buff man-meat and pray, you've probably heard that one before from just about everyone you know.

The biggest drag about this kind of book though, is that even for someone who is a completely devout christian, surely it would take the fun out of being a christian to have instructions so directly specified - at least the Bible itself is somewhat ambiguous and open to interpretation, but this book sure isn't.  I thought that ultra-christian k-pop fans might actually enjoy thinking about their OWN ways to praise their idols rather than having some killjoy come along and sap all the fun out of it by saying "you must do it this way".  It's a bit like those romantic cards that you buy at the newsagent that have some romantic poem already inside them so you don't have to think up your own, or those stupid fucking "meaningful" pictures with text that people share on Facebook all the time because they're too thick to come up with an original thought about how they feel about something.  How sincere does god really think you must be about your religious convictions towards your idols if all you can show up with at the pearly gates is some prayer copypasta?  I think it's more fun to make your own prayers, so here's mine:

Raina, thank you for all the faps you have given me.  Through you, I have access to the ultimate in fappable k-pop content.  I don't care if After School or Orange Caramel come back or not, or even if you do more guest vocals on shithouse rap ballads, but please stay in the media spotlight somehow so I can continue to receive your gifts.  May your clothing choices always be aesthetically pleasing and boob-enhancing.  Also help me understand how to collect better Raina pictures and fancams, and develop a smoother fapping action.  Amen.

That was way more fun to think up than following some instruction manual, and the sentiment is much more sincere as a result, so it's safe to say that "Prayers For Oppa" is pretty useless for actual serious christians.  However, if you're not a christian, this book is pretty goddamn fucking funny as a minor distraction and a talking point among friends.  It's not a very expensive book and might be worth collecting just for the sheer wishful absurdity of the concept, depending on how dark your sense of humour goes.  As someone who didn't grow up with christianity shoved down my throat relentlessly, I appreciate books like this just from a "see how the supposedly normal people think" perspective and I had at least as much fun reading this as I did reading "Turmoil In The Toy Box" and similar material.  The completely delicious lack of cultural sensitivity/awareness exhibited by the author ("the entertainment industry needs more christians") is fascinating to me and is actually what makes the thing worth reading.  I'm giving this book one awkwardly-posed Sunye wedding photo out of 5:


But add a second awkwardly-posed Sunye wedding photo if you're not a christian and like me you can see the humour value in reading this kind of joyously unhinged god-bothering.

Hello friends, and welcome to the drunk idols edition of Best of the Worst! I didn't intend this week to have a theme; it just happened that way. So anyway, please enjoy the following pickings, which include obnoxious cross-dressing, Eunji's hot workout, and TWO stories involving idols with soju.

Drunk Sulli is all of us who just don't give anymore fucks.

• Sulli becomes more relatable after drunk Instagram photo. Oh yeah, and Choiza butts into the comments section to remind us all that he's tapping that. In case you missed all his other references to her.

This photo elicits an overwhelming urge to punch in me.

• Zico sings acoustic version of "I Am You, You Are Me" while taking shots, proving that toned-down, less try-hard Zico is Best Zico. 

• Netizens think Juniel's brother kind of, sort of, maybe looks like a less cute version of Kris if you squint real hard from a moderate distance. I'm mean, I'm sure Drunk Sulli sees the resemblance. 

• Seungri and Daesung dress up as "Produce 101" contestants for Big Bang's MADE concert, make Fany Pack vom all over her laptop. So many things I hate in one place ...

• Police nab Supernova's Sungmo for drunken driving, attempting to flee the authorities. While Sungmo reflects deeply on how 0.092 BAC wasn't worth it, let's remember the better times.

• Eunji shows off her hot upper-body workout. I'm both impressed and ashamed at the same time. Damn, gurl. 

• And winner of this week's I Can't Believe It's News Award: Just in time for Red Velvet's comeback, we get the obligatory "Pig Velvet" piece about how the group's members have gained weight between comebacks.

Fucking heifers ...

Anyway, I do have a funny article that I'm in the planning process of writing. I'm trying to think of other things to write about instead of just covering the news like I have been since I've been back. However, covering the news is generally the easiest and least time consuming articles to write, which is why I just mainly do that. Once my exams are done in May I do have some good ideas lined up for future articles.

In the meantime, enjoy some Puff!

Momo finally got two of her wishes fulfilled. She got to eat a lot of jokbal while going out on a date with another female. I would not be surprised if Momo told Kei "I want to dip this jokbal into a cup of your pussy juices." KeiMo OTP 2016.

It's time for another Kpopalypse fanfiction!



Picture this.

It's nearly 9pm on a Monday evening, and you're standing outside a hairdressing salon in Gangnam in Seoul, South Korea.  You're a nineteen year old Korean female and you're here for the start of your first ever work shift, for your first job.  You only just arrived, a sign on the door says "back in five minutes!"  The doors are locked and it's very cold outside, but a sense of nervous anticipation keeps you warm.  It's exciting thinking about earning your own money, about future independence and moving out of home, but there's something else which is making you even more excited.    You start thinking about what brought you here.

When you were in high school, you became heavily interested in k-pop.  The main big acts that caught your attention were Girls' Generation, 2NE1, T-ara, After School, IU, but also plenty of others.  You didn't mind the male groups, but mainly just to look at - apart from maybe BigBang and SHINee, their music didn't appeal as much, and their concepts were generally more repetitive.  The female groups on the other hand really went the extra mile to always bring out something new and different to the table for each comeback that really captured your imagination.  When watching the videos and live appearances, it was impossible to not get drawn into the world of k-pop.

As time went on and your interest in k-pop flourished, you inevitably became fixated on k-pop media as a way to track the activities of your favourite groups.  You eagerly awaited news of your favourite idols' next music videos as well as performances on TV.  However over time, media articles frustrated you - not because of the groups themselves, but because of the decisions that were made behind the scenes about how to deal with mishap and changing circumstances.  You think about the main groups that you like and the situations that puzzle you to this day:

Girls' Generation - why did they have to get rid of Jessica?  Wasn't there another way?  Doesn't the sisterly bond between Jessica in Girls' Generation and Krystal in f(x) mean anything?  Because they're on the same label shouldn't that be enough to help sort out any differences?

2NE1 - they hardly ever come back, so low on activities!  Also, why does Bom have to have surgery all the time, can't she just leave her face alone?

T-ara - you can't even think about them without your head hurting.  Why do they stick around with that crappy label MBK, aren't they big enough to cut them loose now?  Korea still hates then and it's because they are managed terribly.

After School - so much wasted talent in the group, what's E-Young even doing in a group like that?  And are they going to have another song before you turn 30?

IU - you're sure she's not a pedophile or anything like that but why does she still perform "Zeze" when it's obviously so upsetting to so many?  Shouldn't she at least rerelease the album and leave that song off?  Also why didn't she ever directly address what that photo with Eunhyuk was about?

These are only the most obvious examples that bother you, there's plenty of others with other groups, you could list them forever!  Someone could name any k-pop group out there and you could break down a bunch of completely obvious things that they're not doing the right way - and not things you'd have to be an expert to realise either, just basic common-sense stuff.  It seems that every artist, or their company, or whoever is in charge of these things, seems to just be unable to make the right decisions.  It not like there isn't a huge Internet community offering plenty of sound advice, and the solutions to problems that k-pop idols face seem so obvious, so why aren't any of them listening?  The frustration about it escalated to such fever-pitch inside your head that you decided that you were definitely going to do something.  After all, nobody else is doing anything!  But what?

The answer came one day when talking with Julie, while doing the routine morning cleaning.  Julie is one of your school friends and a tragic k-pop fan far more extreme than yourself, she's gone to airports to meet idols before, is always going to fan meets to get photobooks signed, chases them in cars etc - you like k-pop idols but you don't do any of that stuff.  Being around her makes you feel rather tame, you're much more mentally balanced than she is.

"Look, I've finally worked out a way to meet Suzy from miss A all the time!" she said to you, excitedly showing you the screen on her phone.  Julie is a big fan of Suzy and beams with excitement.

You skim-read the article, it's about Suzy's parents and a hairdressing salon that they run, called "Suzy's Cuts".  There's a small embedded video where Suzy's father is interviewed, he talks about all the celebrities that use the salon, and also about the decor - the salon has been decorated with pictures of Suzy's life in the spotlight including photographs from onstage as well as some of her many celebrity endorsements.

"You're going to get your hair cut, and hope that you run into Suzy?  I don't like your odds!" you say.

"No!  I'm going to become a hairdresser!" she replies.

"You know - Suzy doesn't actually work there, it's just got her name on it for marketing, she's not going to be hanging around giving people a trim."

"Yes, I KNOW THAT, SILLY, but she still might BE there!" she snaps back at you.  You're always trying to remind her to be more rational about things, and this is usually how she reacts whenever you advise her of some reality that she doesn't want to hear.

You shake your head.  "I'm sure Suzy doesn't go and get her hair cut there all the time.  Idols have stylists who do that stuff, don't they?"

"Yeah, but she'd VISIT her folks occasionally, surely!  Everyone visits their parents sometimes!  Look at the article - plenty of idols visit, she's bound to be one of them, after all her parents own it!"

You forgot about the conversation shortly after it happened, but then a few days later you visited a thread online, from someone claiming to be a "hairdresser to the stars" and it got you thinking.  The anonymous person dishes the dirt on various people in k-pop, talking about their personalities and habits, she seems to know them intimately.  It occurred to you that if you had a hairdresser's job in a place where idols go, occasionally you might get lucky and have to cut or style their hair.  Cutting and styling hair takes time, and what do hairdressers do during that time while cutting and styling your hair?  They talk - a lot.  While cutting an idol's hair, you would have them as a captive audience!  You might finally be able to talk to them about some of those crazy decisions, and perhaps talk some sense into them!  Finally a chance to do something to make a difference in the crazy illogical world of k-pop.  You made a pact with Julie to become hairdressers, work at Suzy's Cuts and realise your dreams together.

Three months later, you lost touch with Julie - she transferred to a high school in Busan due to her father getting transferred as part of his job (you have no idea what he does - she never said, preferring to change the subject to k-pop idols whenever you asked).  Away from the high concentration of idols in Seoul and most importantly away from Suzy, Julie was tearfully upset about the move, but she was still a minor and her parents gave her no choice in the matter.  The last time you saw her, she swore that she would find a way to eventually return to Seoul and also keep in touch with you, but you never heard from her again, she didn't even keep in touch on SNS.  However the seed of the idea that she planted stayed in your mind, and you enrolled in the required hairdressing courses as soon as possible, determined to become the best hairdresser in Seoul, worthy of styling the hair of idols.  Your high determination and effort (motivated by the ever-increasing avalanche of k-pop stupidity) was noticed by your teachers and you acquired the needed skills quickly, passing through the learning program in record time and within the top 5% of graduates.  In the high-turnover world of hairdressing, it wasn't long before Suzy's Cuts placed an advertisement outside their business looking for a hairdresser willing to work casual hours on nights and weekends.  You responded to the advert with a phone call telling them about yourself and expecting them to want to see a resume and schedule an interview, but instead they said that you could start on Monday!

"Aren't you going to interview me?" you asked the woman on the phone, an older lady called Vicki.

"No.  Let's just throw you in the deep end and see how you go.  It's only casual hours, we're not hiring you full-time - so, if there's a problem or your performance is not up to standard, we just won't ask you back."  Vicki is pleasant but very matter-of-fact.

"I won't perform badly, I'll do my very best!" you replied, enthusiastically.

"Then we'll see you Monday!" chirped Vicki, terminating the call.

The sound of rattling chains and a key turning in a lock distracts you from your reminiscing.

"Sorry about that, just had to go to the toilet!  I'm Vicki, you must be the new girl!" says a voice from inside.

You take a deep breath.  This is it.

Two weeks pass.  You've learned the following about casual hairdressing at Suzy's Cuts:

• Even though Suzy's father does the interviews that you've seen on TV and online and seems like a nice person, he's never in the salon, ever.  Vicki, a short lady who looks about 40 years old, does all the day-to-day business and is the only "boss" that you encounter.
• The decor does look exactly like the photos online however - with lots of pictures of Suzy, many of them autographed.  Your old school friend Julie would have loved it here!
• For a newly-opened salon run by people presumably with a lot of cash, the equipment sure is strangely old and crusty.
• Hairdressing hurts your back, fortunately...
• ...it's never busy enough for your back to really start killing you, because it's so quiet...
• ...and because of this, you're often the only staff member on duty, however this lack of traffic also means that...
• ...you haven't met any k-pop idols yet.

You start to wonder if you're wasting your time.  Will you ever get to talk to a k-pop idol?  You decide to bring up the subject with Vicki on a lunch break.

"Say, do many pop idols visit this place?" you ask Vicki, attempting to sound as casual and "just making conversation, I don't care really" as possible.

"Sure!  All the time, however they tend to come in the very early morning before they go to schedules.  You're not at work at that time."

"That makes sense", you say, trying your best to hide your disappointment.

Vicki then answers the unanswered question in your head, suggesting that perhaps your attempt to hide how bummed out you were about not meeting idols was more transparent than you had hoped: "You'll probably meet some eventually.  Some of them are regular night owls!  Also, there's a few that come in for emergency work.  You'll know one when you see one."

"How?" you ask.

"They all have a tab here so they won't pay, they will just come and sit and expect you to start.  This is okay, we charge the agencies monthly.  They're always very attractive too, even the "ugly ones".  They will make you jealous of their looks!  You'll probably want to style them badly to level the playing field, but don't do that because you'll be fired!"

Vicki laughs, and you laugh along with her more out of reflex and politeness than for humour's sake, but her previous comment has you intrigued.  "Um... what do you mean by emergency work?"

"You'll see.  Don't worry, nothing all that exciting.  But remember one thing."

"What?"

"Anything that happens at Suzy's Cuts, stays at Suzy's Cuts."

Vicki winks at you and puts her fingers over her lips.  You nod that you understand.

CUT 1

A week later and it's about 11pm, and you're biding your time in the hair salon, playing computer games on your mobile phone.  You just finished cleaning up after turning away a young girl who was completely drunk to the point where she could barely walk but who wanted to get her hair done.  Who even does that?  It's the salon's rules that you're not allowed to comply with requests from extremely drunk people because their opinion on your work may change the next day when they sober up.   After some protest the drunk girl eventually staggered out the door, knocking over a waste bin and a few carefully-stacked tins of hairspray on the way.  It's amazing how much of your job is crowd-control.

You hear the noise of a car pull up quickly in the customer parking space outside.  The door opens and a very attractive lady wanders in and sits straight down on the salon chair, not even making eye contact with you.

"Can you fix this shit, please.  I don't like it." she says, while staring only at her reflection in the salon mirror.


"What do you want me to do?" you ask.

"I don't know.  It just needs more volume, or more something.  It's fucking crap, so fucking limp, fuck.  That fucking producer hates me, he deliberately got the stylist to make me look like shit.  I've got a schedule in fifteen minutes, just do what you can."

This is obviously a idol, but you don't recognise her at all.  You begin to ask what group she's from, but the words stick in your throat.  What if she's insulted?  Fortunately she offers enough information for you to know.

"I have to have shit hair because Geonhee is banging that producer.  It's fucking bullshit, this shit" she mutters while she adjusts herself in the seat.  You still can't pick her face, but Geonhee is a name you know from Purfles, so she must be one of the other girls in Purfles.  You think to yourself about how nugu Purfles are - nobody knows them, and they have to put up with this corruption?  Why do girls even bother debuting with nugu agencies anyway, it's so obvious that without the power of a big label, they won't get anywhere.  You don't understand it.  She's right about one thing though, her hair is terrible, so unhealthy!  You start working on her hair, while you talk.

"Why are you with such a small agency?  You should be with one of the big three", you ask her, while struggling with the knots and twists in her hair.

"Don't you think I tried?  Fuck, I did stupid SM auditions a bunch of times.  The others as well.  Fuck all those assholes."

"But a small agency will never get you anywhere!"

"So I should become a hairdresser like you then?" she replies sarcastically.

You shrug.  "I don't know, I just think you're wasting your youth and looks, you're so pretty and you could do so much better."

The girl remains silent but you look at her reflection in the mirror and she gives you one of the most extreme bitch-stares you've ever seen.  You decide that it might be a good idea to remain silent and do your best with her hair.  Neither of you say another word while you work.  After ten minutes she abruptly stands up, mid-comb.

"That'll have to do - schedule now.  Put it on Purfles' tab."  The girl walks briskly out the door, muttering something under her breath.

You sigh deeply - damn, that was awkward.  You seemed to really hit a nerve with her, but you also feel good that you helped her with her hair and also perhaps helped her with her career.  Well, hopefully you helped, but it's hard to be sure how much positive effect you had on either.

The next day, you're making breakfast, when your phone rings.  It's Vicki's number.

"Hi Vicki!" you answer.

"Hi there.  Hey, I see you had an idol customer last night."

"Some girl from Purfles", you reply.

"She just wanted to say sorry if she was a bit rude to you, and that you did a great job on her hair."

You smile.  "Thanks!  She seemed a bit, umm... extreme."

"Hey, we've got IU coming in later today and normally I do her hair but I've got a friend's birthday party and I'd really like to go, do you think you can look after her?"

Gosh, what an honour!  "Sure, I'd love to!"

"Great!  I've been really happy with your work so far.  I'm sure you'll do well!  See you at work!"

CUT 2

A few hours later, you arrive at work.  It's a weekend day shift and there's a lot more people waiting, and there's quite a few of the other staff on.  The entire salon is noisy with chatter.  IU is already here, sitting in the chair and looking at her phone.  She's doubled-over a bit, like she has stomach cramps.


"Fuck, I'm sorry... I haven't eaten, so fucking hungry.  So you're the new girl?", IU says as she sits back up in her chair.

"Yes!  How would you like your hair done?"

She thrusts her phone in your face, on the screen is one of her recent promotional pictures.  "Do it like that" she orders.

IU turns her back to you so you can get to work, and you get started.  IU's hair isn't as thick and is much easier to style than that girl from Purfles.  It's in really bad condition though, not that you could tell from magazines and TV, but up close it's obvious that she hasn't been taking care of it.

"Don't worry, I'll make this look really good.  Is this for a concert?" you ask.

"Yes." IU replies.

"Are you singing 'Zeze?'" you ask.

"Why?"

"Do you think it's a good idea to sing 'Zeze'?  Given how controversial it is?"

"Am I supposed to care?"

"It's a great song, but you're not doing your image any favours, you know."

IU pushes your hands away from her head, swivels around in her chair and stares at you dead in the eye.  She looks like she wants to slap you.

You think fast.  "I'm sorry - I just don't want people to think you're a pedophile.  Because you're such a nice person!"

IU maintains her glare.  "Less talky-talky, more styley-styley.  Got it?"  She raises her eyebrow.

You start panicking.  "Yes, okay!  Sorry about that, I was just concerned..."

IU puts her finger up to her lips to indicate silence.  You stop talking immediately.  For an awkward ten seconds she continues to stare directly at you without blinking, then she swivels back around in her chair so you can continue work.  "Carry on." she says.

"Okay, thank you, sorry, I'm..."

"WITH THE STYLING, NOT THE CHATTER" IU adds.  She's clearly mad at you.  A couple of the other hairdresser girls hear this above the noise of the salon and turn around and look at you, disapprovingly.

You continue to style IU's hair, without another word.  Your hands are shaky and sweating, but you get through it okay and get as close to the image she showed you as you can.  When you're finished, you back away from her without saying anything.  IU gets up and walks off, also without saying a word or even acknowledging you.  Once she is gone, you exhale deeply, and let the tension flow out of your body.  Styling hair comes naturally to you now, but you never thought advising idols would be this stressful!  But if you don't say these things, who will?

The next day, you're making breakfast, when your phone rings.  It's Vicki's number.

"Hi Vicki!" you answer.

"How did you go with IU?"

"I'm not sure, I think she hates me!"

Vicki laughs.  "She just called in a little while ago, she told me that you did a fantastic job on her hair, and she really appreciated the conversation!"

You're shocked.  "Really?"

"Wow, you're a gem to have around, you seem to have a knack for dealing with these idols!  God knows, I could never manage it.  I won't be around for a while, but Hyomin from T-ara is coming by tomorrow at about 8pm, why don't you take the night off tonight and come in then?"

You can't believe it.  "Erm... okay, I'll be there!"

"I'm sure you'll do well!  See you at work!"

CUT 3

You arrive for work with plenty of time to kill.  Hyomin arrives two minutes before the hour, smokes a quick half a cigarette outside and walks in at exactly 8pm.  You direct her to a seat.


"How would you like your hair done?" you ask.

"I tell you what, why don't you help me choose?  Show me some styles that you think would look good, and we'll pick one."  Hyomin smiles at you.

You grab the salon's style portfolio, a large plastic folder full of different models' heads cropped from magazines, a collection of hundreds of hair styles.

"Feel free to suggest something unusual, I don't care.  It really doesn't matter that much what we pick, most people aren't going to be looking at my face." says Hyomin as she flicks through the collection.

"Doesn't that bother you, people looking at your body like that?"

"No.", shoots back Hyomin instantly, like she's been asked this every day for the last year.

"But don't you feel exploited and disempowered?"

"Honey, I could buy this place, and you.  That's a pretty powerful feeling."  Hyomin's answers are calm but rapid-fire, she's been down this conversational road before and is clearly comfortable with it.

"But isn't it setting a bad example for women?"

"My body is healthy, I'm setting a good example for women."

"I mean bad behaviour - in terms of stripping to get what they want."

"If they strip and get what they want then that's good behaviour, because it worked."

"But what if they don't get what they want?"

"Well, they could always become hairdressers instead.  Here, I like this style, what do you think?"  Hyomin points at a picture of a model in the portfolio with a just-gotten-out-of-the-shower style look.

"Okay, I can do that for you easily!" you say as you start working.  Hyomin puts the portfolio down and starts playing with her phone, she still seems pretty pleasant, so you continue talking.  "Hey, I heard that T-ara just signed back up with MBK for another two years."

Hyomin smiles.  "Yes, we have!  Isn't it great?"

"But MBK are terrible!  They got you into that bullying scandal!"

"WE got ourselves into that scandal by Tweeting.  MBK got us out.  When everyone abandoned us, when fans didn't want to know us, who was there for us, who stood by us through thick and thin?  MBK.  They could have easily dumped us off the roster to maintain their public image, but they were with us for the hard times as well as the good, standing by us with every step.  Now we're making more money than ever.  We owe them a debt of loyalty.  Hey, check this out..."

Hyomin shows you the screen of her phone.  It's a clip of IU signing live.  "Look, this is a livestream, this is happening right now.  It's 'Zeze', isn't it such a great song?"

"But people will think she's a pedophile!"

Hyomin shrugs and laughs it off.  "It's the Internet, people think everyone's a pedophile."

The next day, you're making breakfast, when your phone rings.  It's Vicki's number.

"Hi Vicki!" you answer.

"How did you go with Hyomin?"

"Quite well!  She's very chatty and I think she liked my..."

Vicki laughs, cutting you off.  "She just called in a little while ago, she told me that you did a fantastic job on her hair, and she really appreciated the conversation!"

"That's nice..." you reply.

"Wow, you're a gem to have around, you seem to have a knack for dealing with these idols!  God knows, I could never manage it.  I won't be around for a while, but Ellin from Crayon Pop is coming by tomorrow at about 8pm, why don't you take the night off tonight and come in then?"

Hang on... didn't Vicki tell you exactly this yesterday?

Vicki continues after a short pause.  "I'm sure you'll do well!  See you at work!"

"Wait, Vicki..." it's too late, the call is terminated.  You weren't supposed to be working tomorrow!   You ring the number back, the phone rings and after a while goes to a recorded message.

"Hi, this is Vicki from Suzy's Cuts - the salon run by Suzy Bae's parents!   Please leave a message after the beep."  One second later.  "Sorry, this message bank is full.  Please call at another time."

CUT 4

Reluctantly, you turn up at work tomorrow.  You figure that you'll just do Ellin's hair and then split.  You wait around for half an hour but Ellin doesn't show.

You ask one of the other staff, one of many young girls working there, all about your age: "Have you seen Ellin?"

"Who's Ellin?", she responds.

"Ellin from Crayon Pop."

Her eyes widen.  "Crayon Pop?  Someone from Crayon Pop is due here now?  RIGHT now?"

"Half an hour ago."

"Hey everyone, one of the Crayon Pop girls is coming in!" the girl yells to the others.

"Crayon Pop, really?" one of the others responds, looking at you.

"Yeah." you say, matter-of-factly.

"No she isn't!  She's at the beach!" another girl replies, showing a photo on her phone to everyone in the room.  "She just posted this on SNS."


"Oh my god, you nearly gave me a heart attack", someone else says.  The entire room breathes a collective sigh of relief.

"Thank fuck that she can't keep appointments - just dodged a bullet, girls." says the first girl.

"What did you do wrong?" another girl asks you.

"What?" you reply.

"Crayon Pop don't just visit here for no reason.  What have you done?"

You're confused.  "What do you mean?  I haven't done anything?  She was just coming in for a haircut!"

The other girls all look you up and down, it's clear that they fear you and don't trust you.  With your client a no-show, and the other staff making you feel very uncomfortable, you quickly leave the salon and go back home.

The next day, you're making breakfast, when your phone rings.  It's Vicki's number.

"Hi Vicki!" you answer.

"How did you go with Ellin?"

"She didn't show up."

Vicki laughs.  "She just called in a little while ago, she told me that you did a fantastic job on her hair, and she really appreciated the conversation!"

You're speechless.  What?  "What are you talking ab...."

Vicki speaks, cutting you off.  "Wow, you're a gem to have around, you seem to have a knack for dealing with these idols!  God knows, I could never manage it.  I won't be around for a while, but Krystal from f(x) is coming by tomorrow at about 8pm, why don't you take the night off tonight and come in then?"

What's going on?  Is she even listening?  "Purple monkey dishwasher!" you scream into the phone.

Vicki continues.  "I'm sure you'll do well!  See you at work!"

Like hell you're going to work.  Something is up, something bad.  But what?

CUT 5

You stay home.  At 8:01pm, the phone rings.  It's Vicki's number, so you pick it up.

"Hello." a voice on the line says.  It's not Vicki.  You know the voice, but you can't quite place it due to the way people sound different on the telephone.

"Hello, who is this?"

"You know who it is."

Your brain scrambles quickly to match the voice.  After a few seconds, you figure it out.

"Hello, IU."

"Very good.  Just checking in on you, because I noticed you weren't at work today.  Is everything okay?"  IU sounds deadpan, there isn't an inch of concern in her voice.

You try to figure out how to respond.  How does IU know about your work, and why does she have Vicki's phone?  "Um... I wasn't feeling that great.  How did you get Vicki's number?"

IU doesn't respond, but continues.  "I've got a couple friends who would like to have a word with you.  I'll just pass the phone over to them.  Give me a moment."

A brief silence, and then another voice.  "Hello.  Do you know who I am?"

It's that girl from Purfles.  What was her name again?

"I saw you the other day in the salon, you cut my hair.  Did you know that Purfles debuted on 26th of October 2014 with the song "1,2,3"?  Did you know that?  I'm Eunyong from Purfles, that's my name.  And your name, what's your name?  Do you even know what your name is?"

She doesn't give you time to respond, but then passes the phone to someone else.

"How does it feel to be disempowered?" says another voice, who you instantly recognise as Hyomin.  She passes the phone straight away back to IU.

You're panicking.  "What do you want?" you ask.

"I suggest that you come into work tomorrow.  There's a problem at work.  When you get the call from Vicki, please be co-operative" says IU, before terminating the call.

The next day, you're making breakfast, when your phone rings.  It's Vicki's number.

"Hi Vicki" you answer.

"How did you go with Krystal?"

You play along, just in case.  "I didn't go with Krystal."

Vicki laughs.  "She just called in a little while ago, she told me that you did a fantastic job on her hair, and she really appreciated the conversation!"

You wait.  Obviously, this is a recording.

After the same pause that you experienced in the last few calls, Vicki's voice continues.  "Wow, you're a gem to have around, you seem to have a knack for dealing with these idols!  God knows, I could never manage it.  I won't be around for a while, but Suzy from miss A is coming by tomorrow at about 8pm, why don't you take the night off tonight and come in then?"

You wait.

Vicki continues.  "I'm sure you'll do well!  See you at work!"

You put the phone down.  Hearing the name Suzy from miss A makes you have conflicted feelings but you're not sure why.

CUT 6

You arrive at the salon at 8pm.  It's closed, which is weird because it's normally open, but the lights are on and there's people in there.  There's some funny signs on the footpath with numbers.


You look through the window of the salon.  Your work colleagues are inside, and it's really messy in there, with red stains on the walls and furniture tipped over.  The staff all make eye contact you and start panicking, running into the back room.  There's also a male police officer there, and IU is there.  When the girls panic, IU and the officer, who were previously talking to each other, turn to look at you.  The police officer draws his pistol and points it at you.  IU ducks behind the salon counter.  You then hear your phone ringing.  You pick it up from your purse and answer it with one hand.

"Hello?" you ask.

"Julie, why don't you put the gun down?" says IU.

"What gun?" you ask.
 
"The one in your other hand, Julie." IU replies.

You have no idea what she's talking about - and who is Julie?  Something hits you in the head out of nowhere, and you fall unconscious.

EPILOGUE

We all heard Radio, which was fairly divisive, but now she just dropped two bomb tracks along with it. The youtube for the first, "I'm Just Not Into You," is blocked for many people so here is a link to the official vevo. She also has a song called "Up in the Air" which is fabulous. She pretty much just made everyone her bitch with these tracks. Hello knetz who hated on her for being sick of just doing aegyo all the time. Let her move on and this is the gold you get. You shall trust your queen. (and Sony production values) Hopefully this is a sign of things to come in a long and prosperous solo career. She has been through enough bullshit and put in the work to earn it.

Every Kpop site except for us is talking about the prostitution ring...and these are my feelings about it.

Hello kpop lovers and random passersby. In today's edition of Best of the Worst, we've got grannies dancing to kpop, the creepiest idol group idea ever, and Hyunseung continuing his streak of being problematic.

• Hyunseung tries to flirt with Irene on stage, is promptly ignored. Then whiny babies whine. To quote nameless netizen: "Why is he doing this to flirt with her?" I guess the thought "to tap that" hadn't entered their mind.

• Today in truly terrible decisions, China debuts kpop-inspired girl group ... of 4- and 5-year-olds. Move over, JYP, creepy has hit a new record. 

• T.O.P. is a dirty boy, and not in the good way. And he litters.

• JYP apologizes for intentionally putting Tzuyu in a shirt that says "Hoes Take Off Your Clothes," aka the best fucking shirt kpop has seen.

• Granny models dance to "Gangnam style."

• And winner of this week's I Can't Believe It's News: Honey Lee is overexposed during 2016 Style Icon Asia.