Tiffany To Retire From SNSD To Become A MLB Pitcher

AKF: Hello Mr Luhnow, thank you for having this interview with me.

Luhnow: No problem. Anything is better than dealing with the Astros right now.

AKF: Is it true that you just signed Tiffany Hwang to a 3 year deal worth $4 million dollars?

Luhnow: Yes, I know, spending $4 million is a lot for our cheap asses, considering that our entire roster only makes $25 million this year.

AKF: Are the Astros that desperate for pitching?

Luhnow: Yes. Have you seen the fucking ERAs of our starting pitchers? Harrell has a 5.03 ERA and hitters are hitting .316 against him. Humber has an 8.82 ERA and hitters are batting .349 against him. Bedard has a 7.36 ERA and batters are hitting .289 off of him. Peacock is sucking cock with a 9.09 ERA and batters are hitting .309 against him. Norris is the only one who doesn't fucking suck donkey dick on our staff.

AKF: But why did you sign Tiffany? She can't even throw the ball across the plate.

Luhnow: Well, all of our pitchers are too good at throwing the ball across the plate because they're getting the living shit beat out of them every time they step onto the mound. We might as well try a different strategy since this season is a lost cause.

SM Entertainment was shocked by this news, but they allowed it. I was wondering why SM actually allowed the transaction and found out that SM was receiving $3.99 million of Tiffany's contract. SM recently released a press statement:

We're here to confirm that Tiffany Hwang is immediately resigning from Girls Generation and will be pitching for the Houston Astros. Don't worry, seeing as we're taking 99% of her salary away from her, she'll still have to shoot a bunch of CFs to recuperate all of the money we're stealing from her.

The Houston Astros released a brief press statement:

Thanks to all of the Sones out there, people will actually be buying Houston Astros jerseys this year!