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HYSF Dishing Out The Truth: Explaining The Reaction From Korean Netizens on Tax Evasion Scandals

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AKF asked me to write about this since I have experience doing small business, corporate, and high-net-worth individual taxes. There has been some "major" celebrity tax evasion scandals within the past few months, and one such scandal even forced Kang Ho Dong to "retire" temporarily. I'll do my best to explain the tax law in simplistic terms and explaining the reactions of Korean netizens, but remember two very important things: 1) I have only worked with the U.S. tax system in my internships and 2) there's so little literature on Korea's tax code in English. While what I have found is sufficient to explain the basics (it's similar to the U.S. code from a broad perspective), I obviously will not know the inner workings of the Korean tax code.

Sadly, this article won't be like one of my normal ones, so I'll get this out of the way: I would let Song Hye Kyo peg the shit out of me, figuratively and literally. Also, if you're one of those hippy "I hate all rich people because they succeeded in life and here I am bitching on some insignificant K-pop website to vent out how pathetic my life is by trying to harass the authors here" type of person, you probably won't like this article.


First, Korea has a progressive tax system. A progressive tax system means that as you move up to a higher tax bracket, you will pay more taxes overall. In this article from Korea 4 Expats, they have the 2012 tax brackets. The 2014 will be similar, with the numbers most likely ticked up for inflation, but the rates should still be the same.

Individual Income Tax Regime:
- Korea has a progressive tax rate, which in 2013 was as follows:
o Earnings up to W12million
Tax Rate is 6%
o Earnings from over W12 million to W46 million
Tax Rate is W720,000+15% of the amount over W12 million
o Earnings from over W46 million to W88 million
Tax Rate is W5,820,000 + 24% of the amount over W46 million
o Earnings over from over W88 million to W300 million
Tax Rate is W15,900,000 + 35% of the amount over W88 million
o Earnings over W300 million
Tax Rate is W90,100,000 + 38% fo the amount over W300 million
First, we're going to do the simple Korean Won to US Dollar conversion of 1,000 KRW = 1 USD. The exchange rate fluctuates daily, but the good estimate is usually the 1,000 to 1 ratio. I'll explain how a progressive tax system works since so many people misunderstand the whole concept.

Everyone pays the same rate when they are in that tax bracket. Suppose workers A and B made 10 million Won and 40 million Won, respectively. Worker A pays 6% on all 10 million of her income because she doesn't surpass the 12 million threshold. So, she pays 600,000 Won in taxes (roughly $600 USD). Worker B has a slightly more complex tax liability to calculate. Worker B, just like Worker A and everyone else, pays 6% on the first 12 million Won he makes. So, 6% times 12 million, is 720,000 Won. You think "Wait, so that's why the 15% bracket has 720,000 plus 15% of the excess." Yes, everyone pays the same 720,000 tax on the first 12 million won they make. So for the excess (40 million - 12 million = 28 million), Worker B will pay 15% on the next 28 million Won he made. So that is (28 million * 15%) = 4,200,000 Won. In total, Worker B would owe the 720,000 + 4,200,000 = 4,920,000. The system works exactly the same as you keep going up. The marginal tax rate (what tax rate you would have to pay when you made your next portion of income) is not equal to the average tax rate that most people mention.

As you can see, a progressive tax system charges you more as you move up the pay scale. It is designed this way for several reasons: the first as a political tool, and the second (of the reasons I'll tackle) is to make up the revenue the government has lost because of low-income taxpayers.

Without getting too political, a progressive tax system helps parties win elections by making it look like the rich are being punished. And for the most part, the rich have a huge burden to carry for the tax code. In a progressive tax system, the low-income taxpayers do not contribute a single fucking cent to the system. Before the tree-hugging liberal/hippie/socialist tries refuting this, I have to make a little tangent.

Taxpayers claim deductions and tax credits on their tax returns. This is to help reduce the burden taxpayers have to pay to the government. Roughly 40-50% of the population will get all of their tax withholdings back due to deductions and credits. So the bottom half, in essence, do not pay taxes at all in a progressive tax structure. The majority of the tax burden is on the top earners. However, I do not know if their are certain taxes that are exempt from being returned to the taxpayer in Korea (I couldn't find anything specific). In the United States, the Social Security and Medicare taxes are non-refundable. Those stay in the government pot.

In the United States, there's a rule when it comes to tax laws: the tax lawyers and accountants are much smarter than the dumbasses in Congress making the laws. The tax law is easy to exploit, which is why there are so many revisions to the tax code to try to close loopholes. I can't say for certain with Korea as they have only been a true democracy for a little over 20 years, but there are plenty of loopholes that the wealthy exploit. That is our job as accountants to minimize the tax burden of the people paying us. However, sometimes the rules are bent too far or there are illegal acts of tax sheltering, forcing the taxpayer to pay the original taxes plus a penalty tax. You would assume Korean netizens would be ecstatic that celebrities get caught because that's extra taxes going into the system.

You can read the netizen reactions about Song Hye Kyo and Han Ye Seul. I couldn't find any kimchi-fuck comments about Jang Geun Suk's scandal translated into English, but I'm sure they're the same. Warning: try not to read too much. The international netizen comments are even more retarded. NB is the testicular cancer of Kpop, so I don't want the radiation of retardation to affect you guys negatively.

Now to part two of the article: why do Koreans react so viciously to tax scandals? There are several reasons for this. I'll skip the stupidity reason since it is a well-known fact that these kimchi fucks are retarded. Sure, their women are hot (and even hotter once going under the knife), but the gods didn't bless the Koreans with intelligence.

The first reason is the same as in most countries: they don't understand the tax code. They probably think they're paying a large chunk of their salary in taxes when in fact around 50% of the people will get just about everything they paid in back and the rest of the middle class will get a huge chunk of what they paid in back. So, when a celebrity has a tax evasion scandal, their first thought is "I pay my taxes, you should too!" However, I already debunked that. In reality, the rich celebrities have to pay that much more taxes because the common person doesn't contribute anything. That is why rich people go to such great lengths to minimize their taxes and why I and AKF will never be unemployed. (We were smart enough to not get a liberal arts degree.)

The second reason is that Korea has a socialist government (their values may be conservative, but their government is socialist). The Korean government is heavily involved in major sectors of the economy, such as health care. Add on top of that the welfare system for retired and sick people, the populace demands the government to pay for their shit. To explain all of this will take a little while, so I'll have to explain it step-by-step.

Korea has what is commonly known around the world as "free" health care. Nothing in this world is free. It is paid through taxes. It's the same with governmental pension plans. The contributions into mutual funds (or whatever the fuck Korean financial advisers invest money into over in Korea) are taxpayer dollars. I know by know some of you fuckers are probably asking where the pictures are at, and don't worry, I have to make some pictures to explain the Ponzi scheme.

Most government-backed services are Ponzi schemes. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you'll understand the hatred for nationalization of certain industries that people have. Health care and retirement is no different.


First off, the taxes you pay do not go to benefit yourself in the future. For example, the Medicare and Social Security taxes people in the US pay do not go to benefit the taxpayer that paid them in for when the taxpayer will need them in 40 years. It goes to people currently retired and and people with severe illnesses/diseases/cancer/etc. That's the simple definition of a Ponzi scheme: the people who get in first benefit while the people at the bottom are fucked.

Since most advanced countries "promise" some sort of retirement money at a certain age, the government has to tax people currently working to pay for the people currently retired. So it doesn't matter "if you paid in" and if you think "you deserve money" when you actually retire because you're part of a Ponzi scheme. Anyone in their 20s and 30s here: you will be fucked hard up the ass when you hit retirement age if you plan to expect any sort of compensation from the government when you are ready to retire. Why is that? Well, with declining birth rates and old people living longer, we're now going to be in an upside-down pyramid.


This problem is even worse in Korea because they have the lowest birth rate in the world. As time goes on, there will be more and more people retiring and fewer and fewer people being born. There's less people to tax for an ever increasing retirement pool. That is a reason why the progressive tax system charges rich people so much for taxes to try to make up for the shortfall. Naturally, rich people scoff at the idea since they don't even need these social services in the first place, and they're already taxed at a high rate as it is.

When a normal Korean citizen who is being fucked hard in the ass by the Ponzi scheme they wanted in the first place starts to complain about rich people being taxed at high rates who have to pay all these taxes to support the normal Korean citizens who don't even contribute anything to begin with, the normal Korean citizen gets all pissed off because of the entitlement attitude. Couple that with the Korean jealousy of anyone who succeeds in life, and that is why Korean netizens bitch so much about tax evasion scandals. It's okay when they don't have to pay taxes, but FUCK THAT IF RICH PEOPLE DON'T PAY TAXES SO THAT I CAN BENEFIT OFF OF THEIR WORK THROUGH GOVERNMENT PROGRAMS.

The trufax about nugu song quality domination in k-pop

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Many of you have noticed a pattern with my music taste - I like a lot of nugu stuff.  My threefavouritesongs from last year were all debuts by brand new groups that not many people besides me really gave much of a shit about, plus there's the Nugu Alert series that I write of course.  As a result, I've been getting a lot of questions like this:

inqqri1

So what's the reason for it?  Am I the k-pop version of a hipster, liking things before they are cool?  Am I trying to troll fans of established groups for laughs?  Or is there another reason?  Come on a journey with Kpopalypse and find out!

qruifanficccy

Picture this.

You're the CEO of a startup k-pop label.  You're stankin' rich so you've sunk all your funds into the best training, equipment and production teams that money can buy.  You audition several hundred girls for your new k-pop girl group SPERMGULP (Stingily Paid Employees Ruining My Greedy Ultra Lame Productions) until you've narrowed it down to a group of nine girls that you feel have the potential to break hearts and take the k-pop world by storm.  Once you've got your team of girls, you take them through the customary three year training period, honing their dancing, PR skills, singing, language and fitness.  Well, actually mainly just dancing and fitness, not so much the other three - there's only so much time so you've got to prioritise what's important, after all.

While the girls are being trained up, you've been shopping their concept around to composers and producers, trying to find them that perfect debut song.  Three years is a long time to find an absolute kick-ass song, so you take your time with it, selecting material carefully - only the best will do!  Sure enough eventually you come across a really great upbeat dance song called "Alabama Hot Pocket" which is definitely feature track material, so you buy the rights to it and get your producers cracking on turning it into a hit for your girls.  You also find some other reasonable songs and buy the rights to those too, they can be produced a little later once your big hit is written and if the group's big single floats well enough to justify a physical release, they can go on the mini-album when it comes out, just to pad it out a little.

Release time comes up and the pressure mounts: how will "Alabama Hot Pocket" fare on the charts?
It does about as well as you expected for your new group.  It isn't a smash hit, after all your group of unknowns has to compete with several established groups also releasing material at the same time, but it does gain some degree of attention and SPERMGULP starts attracting a small fanbase.  Some controversy about the song being supposedly insulting to people from Alabama pops up (this never even occurred to you!) and there's also rumours about one of the girls being an iljin or whatever - it's enough to keep the media buzz happening for an extra week or two after the media-play articles that you paid the news websites for run their course.  Eventually the buzz dies down... having made a slight name for themselves, you're happy with SPERMGULP's performance, but financially they're still in the red, and there's work to do - what's the next move?

You take a look though the other songs that you purchased.  Only one song out of them is really feature track material, a smooth mid-tempo ballad called "Blumpkin Pie".  You release it quickly as a follow-up single (because it's not an upbeat song the girls don't need time to learn a new dance routine so it can be released quickly) and it does about as well as "Alabama Hot Pocket", not winning the group any new fans but keeping the new fanbase who liked the first song happy plus kicking off another round of media articles and some music show appearances.  It's enough to keep the group active and buy you some time to consider the next move.

It occurs to you that SPERMGULP will never be truly successful unless they have a whole string of songs as good as their debut hit.   You approach the songwriter of "Alabama Hot Pocket", maybe he can work his magic again?

"I need you to write another song as good as the debut one you wrote SPERMGULP, for their smash follow up single."

"What, so you want an 'Alabama Hot Pocket part 2'?"

"Well, not exactly.  Similar enough to have the same feel so fans of the first song will also like it and so the group has an identifiable 'sound', but it can't sound exactly the same or people won't buy it, so mix it up a little somehow."

"Okay, that shouldn't be too difficult - when do you want it?"

"I want SPERMGULP to comeback later this year and keep their momentum going in the k-pop scene.  We need a few months to record it and think up a concept for it, devise costuming, artwork, choreography and really get those dance routines nailed... so I'll need the song by the end of the month."

"Okay", the songwriter sighs, obviously not liking having to work under pressure.  But hey, you're paying him, he's a pro, so he should be able to do his job.

The end of the month comes around and you approach the songwriter again.  The song he's written is "Boston Pancake" and it's certainly what you're looking for, but will it capture the hearts and minds of Korea's youth?  You roll the hype machine into action and the girls do their comeback.  It doesn't do too badly - a few more fans trickle in, but not enough to sustain the group in a meaningful way or make that all-important transition into true idols that get picked up for endorsements and advertising work - the general consensus from the existing fandom is that the new song isn't as good as their debut.  The group trickles on for a few more months, you release another quick follow-up single called "Hot Karl" that completely bombs, and eventually you decide to shut it down and disband SPERMGULP.  Maybe you can start over with another bunch of girls, and the existing girls who want to stay can fund it by working for your company behind the scenes with any new trainees as a pleasure group.

qrificc

So what happened, why didn't the group succeed?  In the western music business, there's a phenomenon that's known as "The Difficult Third Album" and the true test of if an artist can have longevity in the business is if they can make it past this third album with a respectable fanbase still intact.  It's not easy to do - album number three seems to be jinxed for a lot of artists, and here's why:
  • A group debuts with an album that they (or somebody) spent years writing and refining the songs for ever since garage days.  Much time has been spent on each individual song, and as a result the album kicks ass.  The group does well commercially, starts generating hype and gets a ton of fans.
  • The group now with newfound fame is now under pressure to produce a hotly-anticipated sequel in a far shorter timeframe.  No more taking years to refine the songs, the group is now under contract for one album per year.  They rush out a second album - because they are trying to make something of equal quality as the first album but have far less time to achieve the same result, the resulting songs are comparatively crap.  However all the fans of the group buy the second album anyway (because they're fans who trust the group's name) and also a few (but not many) new fans come on board, as a result the second album actually does a little bit better than the first album.
  • The group is now under pressure to make a third album.  Seeing that the second album was such a hit, the group figure "well, that worked - let's just do exactly what we did last time" and they rush out a third album in a similar timeframe (having little choice anyway).  However what the group doesn't realise is that they've actually lost a ton of trust with their fans - all those people who bought the second album without listening to it first just because they trusted the group to do a good job after the strength of their debut album are now a lot more wary.  The third album comes out - most of the fans of the debut album are cautious and listen to the third album before buying, most of them go "no thanks" and leave it on the shelf.  The only people keen on it were the far smaller amount of fans who came on board for album number two.  Sales performance of the third album is therefore weak and the record label dumps the artist off their roster, figuring that they've gone past their use-by date.
An audience of fans who will buy your shit without even listening to it first to check if it's any good or not is something that the industry calls your "core audience".  Established k-pop groups with large global followings like SNSD, 2NE1, T-ara, BigBang, EXO, Super Junior... these groups have large core audiences, and the agencies do their best to maintain the core following in a variety of ways.  In these days where album sales don't really mean anything, the core audience is still important, because it translates to brand power - if a group has a ton of rabid followers who will uncritically accept their output, then they'll also (the label hopes) uncritically accept anything that those idols are associated with, like endorsed products in a commercial film or advert.  This makes the idols much more valuable as ambassadors, promoters of products, and so forth - and that's where the real money starts to come in for agencies, not album sales, digital sales, award wins, or any of that other crap that k-pop fans are fooled into thinking matters.

qriapple

If you're looking at the picture of Qri and wondering where you can get an apple like that, or glasses like that, or a jumper like that, or flowers in your hair like that, or the right makeup products to get that lipstick and blush just right, then you have just experienced Qri Brand Power.

A large core audience also means that a group can get away with more - once a group has a certain amount of hardcore long-term rabid followers who are willing to waive their critical faculties, the good songs that the group had at debut are no longer needed, all that is needed is for product of some kind to periodically appear to sustain interest.   That's how your faves get away with releasing shit songs every now and then, and the more insane the fans are, the easier it is for the companies to palm off shit to everybody that wouldn't be accepted otherwise.  This is also why labels like SM and YG try to build "label brand fans", they can transfer that uncritical core audience acceptance of product from just one artist to everything that the agency puts out.  The "YG fangirl" is exactly what YG wants, that's more valuable to them than the "BigBang fangirl" who only likes BigBang but might not care about 2NE1 or Epik High, because the YG fangirl will pay attention to everything on YG.  The more established labels will do all they can to strengthen the brand image and unify the collection (SM Town/YG Family/JYP Nation, throwing their logo on everything, using the same songwriters so you grow to trust the "sound of the label", etc).

Nugus on the other hand don't have this luxury.  With no core audience at first, a nugu group has to impress right out of the gate with very memorable songs or a memorable package in some other way (note all the "sexy nugus" lately).  Startup companies don't have a core audience either, but they try to build it by slapping their logo on everything and creating associations between different acts (see all those Christmas songs where every artist on the label gets together and does a song in the same room together as just one example) in the same way that the bigger labels do.  Of course that's not to say all nugus are going to be better by default and some nugu groups sure as hell do bomb with absolute stinker songs (my worst-of lists have plenty of nugus on them), but what it does mean is that there's still greater chance of a nugu artist impressing with good music than an established artist, just mathematically speaking, because there are simply less other options open to nugus.

So that's why nugus tend to have better songs, on average.  But just to make it clear that there's always exceptions, here's a video of Rok Kiss performing live.  Kpopalypse out!


Eunjung is Remarkably Good at Having a Dick and I Ain't Even Mad

Hello Venus - Wiggle Wiggle

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Hello Venus hyped us all with Wiggle Wiggle, but did it deliver?



Hello no. It's hard as fucking shit to fap to this MV. The MV director had the easiest fucking job on the fucking planet, but he somehow fucked his shit up. This should have been one of the representative K-pop MVs, but everything is ruined.

1. Why are they in a dark room with extremely bright lights shining in the background? The lights blind the shit out of you and you can only see two members clearly in certain shots.

2. What's with the "hiding behind the fence" shit? Was this director one of those guys who filmed girls in the shower room during gym class and wanted to recreate that experience here? I didn't want to see the fence in the way of the girls -- and no, that shit isn't artistic.

3. What's with the random black and white? This isn't the fucking 1980s where it was cool to have black and white MVs.


4. What's with the terrible camera angles? STOP TRYING TO BE ARTISTIC WITH YOUR CAMERA ANGLES! YOU ARE NOT MICHAEL FUCKING BAY! JUST FILM THE GIRLS NORMALLY, YOU GIGANTIC WART-FILLED ASSHOLE!

5. What the fuck is up with the confetti? When the lame-ass camera angles and black-and-white shit finally end, the confetti has to block out the girls.

THE DIRECTOR FUCKED WITH US! I hope all six girls pegged him and made him cry.
As for the song, it's nice to see Brave Brothers do something a little different, but that nigga must have been high as shit to think Seoyoung screeching was a good idea.


I like the choreography and most of the song is good, but what's missing is a good chorus, and that's the most important part of a pop song. Oh well, who's really going to complain when Yooyoung and Nara are shaking their asses during the chorus? 

Wa$$up is more hood than your unnis

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Say what you want about their lack of pretty or talent or money, but this is the most raw thing I've ever seen from a kpop girl group. I feel like someone just put a demo DVD in my hand at a gas station. This is way more American than G.Soul managed to deliver after spending 15 years there. (I'd write an article about that but it'd require listening to it more without falling asleep) I'm probably going to watch and listen to this more than anything until MissA comes back.

Iljins' Delivery of Gifts Approved by the Fapgods (IDGAF) #1

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Starting a new series for all you horny readers out there! The idea is to introduce you to interesting fap material, from less obvious sources that many k-fappers don't frequent. I might also chuck in some of my own thoughts (where relevant). But the most important goal, here, is for me to get into fap-heaven by appeasing the fap-gods - spreading their gospel and helping other fappers. I don't know how regular this series will be, but we'll see. Anyway, see below for some arousing (and pretty hilarious) content.


There is a series of several episodes (and counting) dedicated to these 'translated' videos of female idols. I thought the Yura one was the best example, hence my embedding it. Unfortunately for Nana fans, her video was removed due to copyright, but hopefully there's at least one girl that you like here.

These are arguably meant to make you laugh rather than turn you on, but the subbed parts are nicely punctuated with sexy dancey content, making these videos a solid choice for your "Fap Later" playlist. Admittedly, it is a slightly simple and repetitive kind of comedy, but even if you don't appreciate this style of humour you've got to give props to the creator for writing subs that fit beautifully with the facial expressions and body language of the girls.

The predictable whining in the comments is pretty funny too. We wouldn't be Anti Kpop-Fangirl without taking the odd jab at overly sensitive people getting wound up over trivial things, so here is the good stuff hand-picked from the plant of butthurt.

No, shit! You don't need to understand a word of Korean to know that idols would never speak so openly about enjoying double penetration or being jizzed onto their eyes. Would you want to look like such a massive slut on national TV knowing that fangirls will hate on you even when you dare compliment oppar? Not if you value your life.

If your definition of a pornstar is someone who features in videos for people fap to then, yes, idols are pornstars too. And why are you falling asleep?


Really? Someone's just having a bit of fun and making a joke that no one will take seriously (except fangirls, apparently), and they deserve eternal torture for that? Is it really a sin on par with rape and murder? On the contrary, the fap-gods will reward this person, in death, with exclusive fap material that would be unimaginable, here, on Earth.


This concludes the first IDGAF. From now on, I shall be accepting submissions for this series. I will publish any kpop fap material which is both good quality and from somewhere that isn't too obvious. Funny and creative stuff like in this article is a bonus too. Note that male fap material is ok, but the main focus will be females because of our audience. Please send submissions via ask.fm, twitter or email newworldandbeyond@gmail.com. I promise not to hog it all to myself. May the fapgods bless your lustful souls!

P.S. Happy Cock (the uploader of the fine gifts above) is the first person I've seen to explicitly put the word 'fapcam' in a YouTube video title. I think it's great.

Kpopalypse's bullying help post for kpop-loving bully victims who are failing at life

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I think as long as I've been blogging, people have been asking me to throw down my opinions on various alleged bullying instances in k-pop.  So here's a post about bullying.  Maybe it's not the post about bullying that you wanted to read, but it's the one that I'm going to make you read, so too bad for you if you don't like it.

rainabully2

Did [insert group here] bully [insert group member here]?  Anyone asking this question of any group ever is being a pussy and avoiding the real issue which is: why do they care?  Why do k-pop fans care so much about what goes on behind closed doors in some group that they're not even in?  Slayer fans didn't withdraw support from the group when it was found that their guitarists didn't get along, or that half the original band hated the other half so why do k-pop fans care when some group of girls don't get along with some other girl who you've never even met and never cared much about anyway?


I'll tell you why, as if the answer's not obvious enough - because k-pop fans can all relate, because they're all getting the shit beaten out of them in school, so even mention the word "bully" and whether true or false it hits them really close to home.  They spend so much time imagining how horrible it would be for whoever the alleged victim is to be bullied that it completely clouds their judgement of anything else, and good old confirmation bias kicks in.  They don't have to stretch their imaginations very far to imagine being bully victims either - the Korean school system is a hornet's nest of bullying and corruption and in other countries things are sometimes only marginally better depending on what school you go to.  Shit gets even worse for South Koreans when they graduate from that school garbage and join the army (mandatory) and experience the fun bullying culture therein (also mandatory).  No wonder so many people want to dodge that shit any way they can, I certainly wouldn't join the bully army if I was South Korean - fuck that.  Take orders from some assholes and dorm with a bunch of violent fuckheads every night?  If I wanted that experience I would have joined a k-pop group.


It's little wonder that these Korean bully victims flock to online sites to bully others and feel powerful, it's obviously to compensate for the lack of power that they're experiencing in their real lives as inch by inch they get wangdda'ed to death.  On the Internet nobody can tell that you're the bread-shuttle in real life so you can act hard and talk as tough as you wish you were without fear of reprisal.  I'm sure it's also the same for international fans who obsess about bullying too.  Everyone loves to talk big but deep down, I know you're all dying inside, so being older, wiser and qualified as fuck about this shit, I'm here to help all you lovely readers out there who are experiencing schoolyard bullying.


My bullying-related qualifications: I went to what was one of the roughest high schools in my state at the time.  I'm not sure if it still is, but the school shall remain nameless for legal reasons.  My old school would probably be called an iljin school if it was in Korea, and it matched the profile of that type of school, with many similarities.  Physical fights were a daily situation and a well-loved spectator sport, kids would yell "fight! fight! fight!" when one broke out and the whole school would quickly gather around to watch.  Teachers rarely intervened because kids would study the teacher's patrols and synchronise their fights with when the teachers were on the other side of the yard.  The girls would fight almost as often as the boys, although the fights looked different - guys would slug it out with fists and feet, girls did more hair-pulling, face-scratching and school bag sabotage.  The school also had a compulsory uniform policy... which hardly anyone adhered to.  Some people wore the uniform if they liked it (although it was ugly, daggy blue jumpers and shirts, plus blue tablecloth dresses for the girls) but most students didn't give a shit and wore whatever the fuck they wanted.  Smoking, drinking, underage sex and drug-dealing were all commonplace, stabbings and rapes weren't unprecedented and switchblades were a standard item for kids who were also in the local street gangs (no guns - this is Australia, guns are considered "a wimp's tool for people who don't know how to fight" here).  Kids from my school would also often terrorise kids from the neighbouring much more posh school when they caught the same public transport (these other kids were easily identifiable because they actually wore their school uniforms, making them easy targets).  The reputation of my school was so terrible that during my time there they actually changed their name to try and improve the school's image, to presumably little effect.  I found out many years later (when I went to Uni and met people who had been to proper schools) why my school was so bad - the school contained a "problem teenager unit" within it, and all the kids who were transferred from one school to another, to another for bullying or violent behaviours that were bad enough for the kids to be expelled routinely but not bad enough to wind them up in juvenile detention were eventually just dumped in my school's "problem unit" because nobody else knew what to do with them.  I think they were getting some special behavioural coaching or whatever the fuck, but it sure as hell didn't seem to make much difference whatever it was.  (I wasn't a "problem teenager" though, I just went to the school because my parents said that I had to go to high school, and it just happened to be the closest one in my area.)  And of course the bullying was completely epidemic and uncontrollable by anyone in authority.

foodbully1

As a teenager I wasn't the bald-as-fuck skinhead-looking motherfucker that I am today, I actually had hair and it was long, because I was into heavy metal and I thought long hair looked cool because that's how the only people who I looked up to in life at that time (heavy metal musicians) had their hair.  Naturally this made me look different to the other guys (who either had short hair or fashionable-at-the-time 80s mullets) and therefore this made me a target for bullying.  On top of this, back then (unlike today) I was also really shy generally speaking, so now I was a double-target.  I could only have been more of a target if I was a "nip" (visibly Asian) or a "wog" (visibly Italian/Greek) - those kids copped it the worst, racist bullying was a big thing at my school.  My point being that I'm very experienced with being bullied and the bullying around my school that I and others experienced got very, very extreme, as extreme as anything I've heard about happening in Korea.  So I'm perfectly qualified to tell you how to deal with this shit, and this is going to be a real guide with real advice that works (or it worked for me), not the namby-pamby politically correct advice that other sites will give you if you search up this topic.

KPOPALYPSE'S HELPFUL* HINTS FOR BULLY SURVIVAL

*helpfulness not guaranteed

1.  Do not appease bullies - ever


clbully

One day I was walking between classes at my school and I was stopped by a bully who grabbed me by my clothes and wouldn't let go.

"Hey you, I know you.  You owe me money."

"Who are you?  You've got me mixed up with someone else."

"Don't get smart.  I know you."

"No you don't."

"Yeah I do.  Give me your money, now, cunt."
 
"Fuck you."

"What did you say?"
 
"Fuck you."

He punched me in the stomach and ran like a bitch.  Was it worth giving him any money?  Fuck no, I wasn't gonna do that.  It's not that I couldn't have survived without the money, it's the principle - I didn't want to let a bully win.  I also knew that if I gave in, it wouldn't help me in the long term as he'd be back to try it again the next day, and besides who's to say he wouldn't have taken my money and punched me in the stomach anyway?  If a bully sets up rules, don't play by them, because when a bully makes rules they're always set up so you can't win anyway.  If they tease you about your hairstyle or clothes, don't change anything to make them happy, it just shows that you're a pushover and a soft target, which will then attract more bullying, not less, as they make you jump through even more hoops for their amusement.  Someone got a problem with your k-pop (or any other) music taste, let them have a problem.  The guy who punched me left me alone after that incident and focused on someone else who actually was giving him his lunch money.  Later, he was caught doing some other more extreme criminal shit and sent to juvenile detention, while I laughed.

2.  Do not try to fit in


crayb8ullly2

Bullies single out oddballs and perceived weak targets who won't put up resistance.  However if you've been singled out, the core group of non-singled-out people isn't going to accept you.  You've been socially "tainted" so you're now an oddball whether you like it or not.  Don't worry about being friends with the in-crowd, maybe chat to some of the other oddballs instead.  Find some kid who is being given hell and treat him the way that you'd like to be treated by others and you'll have a friend for life which is a lot more valuable than nods of approval from the school's trendy fuckstain crowd.  There's safety in numbers, and while numbers can't always be relied upon at all times it doesn't hurt to have allies, so even if you find that other ostracised kid a bit annoying, get to know them and you might just find someone who's got your back in a crisis.  Beats having nobody on your side.

3.  Ignore taunts, build self-confidence


psycut

Words said in real life is much the same as words said over the Internet.  A lot of purely verbal bullying can be simply ignored or laughed off.  The ability to do this effectively comes down to self-confidence.  The best way to increase self-confidence is to find some things that you enjoy doing (it can be anything) and do them and get good at them, this helps you develop more a sense of yourself and what's truly valuable about who you are, then insults and taunts won't have the same effect that they once did.  Who cares what a bunch of idiots think of you anyway?  I've probably got hundreds of online haters insulting me in all corners of the Internet by now, if I spent time caring about what they think of me I'd probably never write again.  Fuck 'em.

4.  If you go to an authority, they may not care - also prepare for escalation


iufux

If teachers, principals and parents are powerful and have the ability to legitimately change things for you - great, definitely use the resources available... but be aware that after you tell the teacher, you still have to go to class with that bully and he's going to resent what you just did.  If the anti-bully controls in your school are weak or non-existent, like in my old school, or in a lot of Korean schools where authorities are too worried about the reputation of the school to tackle bullying in any meaningful way, you might just encounter more violence after you go to authorities rather than less.  One day some kids who bullied me at school recognised me on the weekend when I was in my dad's car as he was driving me to the supermarket, and spat on the windshield as he was pulling into the carpark.  My dad then by chance met the bullies in person in the supermarket aisle and gave them one of the most savage tongue-lashings I've ever seen anybody give anyone in public.  The kids were completely humiliated, and although I enjoyed the justice of this public dressing-down I was also scared, because I knew the next day that I would face reprisals and the school wouldn't be able to do anything about it.  I was right - those kids escalated their bullying significantly after the incident.  If the authorities have real power, use it, but if they are paper tigers don't get them involved.  You can find out how effective they are by talking to or observing other people who tried that route before you and what kind of results they got out of the process.

5.  Avoid violence, but self-defence is acceptable and sometimes practical


lcguns

How I stopped being a bullying victim: In school there was always a gang of people who would say dumb shit to me as I walked past where they always hung out to go to the "music block" to practice music.  I'd just ignore it because it was just words and I didn't give a shit, I had enough self-confidence by this point to ignore the dumb crap people said about my appearance or whatever.  Then one day, things escalated.  The gang surrounded me in a circle and all started pushing me, trying to start a fight.  I let them push me for a bit but it started to piss me off after a short while - I was trapped and I wanted to get to where I was going.  So without warning I randomly picked one of the gang who was pushing me and punched him in the nose.  It wasn't the best punch in the world, I regret not landing it slightly better, but it worked - everyone stopped pushing.  I'll never forget the look on the kid's face, like I had just taken away his favourite toy.  The rest of the gang backed away and none of them ever said shit to me after that... nor did anyone else as the news that the long-haired weird guy who normally never said boo to a mouse just king-hit some fucking loser spread around the whole school.  Suddenly people kept their distance and didn't want to take me on.  Bullying problem over.

bestiuedisclaimer

You'll never hear this advice from anyone else because it's not politically correct to advocate violence, but the fact is that bullies single out weak targets, and if you show them that you're not a weak target, all but the most determined bullies will quickly move onto a softer, easier-to-bully target and leave you in peace (the really determined bully might require multiple beat-downs).  On the other hand if you don't retaliate against violence, you'll be perceived as weak and you'll likely receive more violence.  Kpopalypse firmly advocates anti-bully violence in self-defence situations where you are backed into a corner and have no other option except to get your head kicked in by an asshole, just don't do anything moronic and massively illegal.  The plan is to stop bullying and improve your life, not to spend the rest of your life in jail, so only do what is required as legally justifiable self-defence, no more.  You'll be surprised how little is required anyway.

6.  If you're being bullied by a gang, understand gang mentality


gangposey

A guy I know got into an altercation with some bullies.  I'm not sure how it happened, but somehow he managed to piss off about 40 members of a bully gang.  Oops.  They surrounded him with blades and backed him into a corner, ready to tear him to shreds.  He had nothing but a stick.  This is what he said to them:

"You guys have me outnumbered, and you can very easily kill me right now, but I guarantee and absolutely promise you this - the first person to attack me is going to lose a fuckin' eyeball in the process.  Which one of you will it be?"

The gang circled around him, but each time he lunged at one of the gang members screaming "is it YOU, huh?", they backed away.  They all knew that together they could take him, but nobody wanted to be that guy.  Eventually after a tense standoff, the gang dispersed with nobody being hurt.  The moral of the story is that bullies in a group are tough as a unit, but weak in isolation.  Why do you think they form a group in the first place - because they're weak individually and they know it.  Isolate them one by one and make it personal - they will crumble.

7.  Don't kill yourself


boaguny

That might seem like really basic advice, but it's trufax.  Suicide attempts only let your bullies know that their efforts to control you and make your life miserable are working.  If you fall in a heap, they win.  In recent Korean situations of people being literally bullied to death, the perpetrators weren't even remorseful in court when they were getting handed down sentences of years in prison.  Neither suicide attempts nor the real thing will get you the attention and validation that you crave.



So that's it, that's how to deal with bullying and make your life bully-free.  Now you can finally gain control over your own life, then you're less likely to be crying like a little bitch whenever some people in some k-pop group have a disagreement over who's turn it is to wash the dishes in the dorm that week as if it's any of your fucking concern, and that'll save us all some heartache.  Thank me later, fuckheads.

iupolice

Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 72

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This week's photo comes from Shara:

I don't know why it is blurry. It was sent to me in this condition.

Thank you for your submission!

~*~*~

I cannot tell if this guy/girl is super excited or super upset over this performance because some people react to butt stuff differently. But seriously, medically speaking, I have to advise against doing that. I am just saying, I don't think you truly have thought this through. Having a chainsaw, active or not, in a body's orifice is quite painful. Then again, I would not know from first hand experience or anything. 


If anyone has submissions for future Stupid Things Fangirls Utter, please e-mail them to zomg.oppa.sareanghae@gmail.com, tweet them to @akf_shinbi, ask them at ask.fm/akfshinbi, send them to ionlylearnedthebadthings (tumblr), or leave them in the comment section below. Remember your rights on this site: anything you say or do here can and probably will be used against you. Thank you, FISHies!

And the Award for the Most Gratuitous Black Cameo in a KPop MV Goes to...

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These scrubs from Brave Entertainment (aka the Brave Brothers label).


You thought YG was bad, just wait until you get a look of this. Or read the article.

Longtime followers of KPop know all too well that it is a genre of appropriation and exploitation. Without delving into the nitty-gritty of racial politics in South Korea or some shit like that you don't really want to hear about, let's just say it's a real problem that a lot of people have issue with.

All I want to do is highlight how horrible this MV is in general. Ripping clothes straight from scraps even YG wouldn't put on their kids, Brave Entertainment has pulled off the biggest troll MV in KPop history. I mean you can't get any more bad even if you tried.

Just look at this poor guy who probably accidentally wandered on set somehow and found himself in 1998 Koreatown, USA.



Look how out of place he looks, how awkward he must feel reliving the embarrassing moments of his youth while surrounded by Korean manlets who don't seem to realize none of the stuff they're wearing is cool anymore. He's literally head AND shoulders over them as they prance around in G-Dragon impressions they probably spent weeks studying his every MV and fancam to emulate.



Is that a backwards, upside down visor on that kid in the USA long-sleeve polo?? If it's so bad to be rocking non-sponsor approved gear, why even bother putting on the Ralph Lauren one in the first place if you're just going to put some shitty red tape over the lettering anyway? Are those extensions or did the label make that kid grow out his hair since he signed up to be a trainee for this? I thought Taeyang's dreadlocks were bad, but I didn't think Taeyang converted impressionable kids to Rastafarianism on the side these days.



And why for the love of god was it deemed necessary to have an actual black guy on set in the first place? Is this supposed to make us feel like all this crap is "validated" by some kind of black spokesman? Goddamn it, he's old enough to be those kids' grandpa.

Honestly, I don't know whether or not to laugh or cringe with how bad this MV is. The song's pretty garbage too. Do yourself a favor and stay far far away from them and hope they flop. Maybe then they'll get dropped from the label and find greener pastures where they can try and forget this traumatizing experience.

The Best of the Worst: Jan. 22, 2015

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Big news hit the kpop scene this week when it was revealed that Yura's "We Got Married" marriage might be




Yes, news of the illegitimacy of her fake sacred union broke when a magazine reported that husband Hong Jong Hyun is dating this homewrecker:


"The other woman," aka Nana

Now, I can't even include this story in this week's roundup, because it's probably all lies.


Who fact-checked this?





. . .

[MV Review] Eight Muses - Drama

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You can't be disappointed when you expected the song to suck!



I hadn't actually listened to Nine Muses at all until this week. I saw the teaser and got my Astroglide out because the girls are hot, but I wanted to see how this song would stack up against their previous singles.

And wow, this song is underwhelming. Not because it is shitty -- it's simply a very average song that isn't memorable in any way. It's because this group had some good songs to live up to, and this song falls flat. This group had so many jams produced by Sweetune, but I can see why they didn't go back to him after releasing that turd they produced for Nicole last fall.

I know Nine Muses has a lot of fans for a nugu group, and it sucks for them that they waited over a year to get a song that they'll forget a week later. This song lacks a strong instrumental -- it's loud as shit during some points of the song, but it isn't very memorable. The song lacks a strong chorus to carry it. The verses are boring for the most part, and when your most memorable verse is the opening rap -- not just any rap, an idol rap, your song is already in danger.

If it's any consolation to the group, I would lick all of their assholes.

Edit: Or maybe PTS_Sr will be nicer in his review. I accidentally cockblocked his review.

[MV Review] G Friend - (Anal) Glass Bead

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G Friend definitely wants to be your girlfriend if they're willing to allow you to put glass anal beads in their anuses!



I'm not a huge fan of the song, as it is too sugary without a good beat. This sounds like a ten-year-old Kpop song...and the song made zero effort to modernize it in anyway. If I actually liked this kind of music, I would have discovered K-pop ten years ago instead of fapping to the three Korean porn videos out there on the Internet.

However, the girls in this group are good looking. I believe a few of them are still underage, so I will say that I will wait for them to return with a more mature (aka shorter skirts and thigh high socks) when they all turn 18.

I don't understand Korean for shit, so when I listen to it, I'm just imagining them singing about their dream girl sticking glass anal beads up their butt before taking it in the pooper. Great message that these girls are sharing. End sexual conservatism in Korea!

Kpopalypse's 10 most fappable k-pop music videos of 2014

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Okay, so when 2014 ended I did a ton of lists about my favourite and not-so-favourite music videos.  I got lots of positive feedback from those, however I also got a lot of questions that were similar to this:

 faplist1 

I had hoped to take a break from lists for a while, but because I'm always so eager to take on board constructive feedback and please you lovely readers, I have now added "most fapped to" into my yearly list posts.  So let's completely ignore musical content in MVs for a change and instead have a recap of what Kpopalypse thought was hot and sexy in 2014!

hyominlist8

 


10.  AOA (Ace Of Angels) - Short Hair







The first half of 2014 will be forever known to Kpopalypse as "Fapgate" - the time when the management behind girl groups suddenly realised en masse that guys wanting to jizz themselves over MVs of girls in tight clothing and/or lingerie was a niche market yet to be exploited in k-pop to its full potential.  Upon realising this FNC Entertainment quickly exchanged Jimin's Gibson SG for a snugly-fitting dress and turned AOA's fortunes around from nugus to established stars in the space of only a few months.  AOA's "Miniskirt" might have kicked off Fapgate into high gear at the start of 2014 but "Short Hair" had something that "Miniskirt" did not - Jimin in a traffic police uniform.  Police uniforms are hot because of the combination of smart tailoring and the power of police to molest you without you being able to do anything about it is very "classy sexy".  I had some traffic cops turn up on my door the other week to ask me some shit and if they looked this cute I think I would have spread my anus a lot more readily.

9.  Stellar - Mask





If AOA's "Miniskirt" started Fapgate, Stellar's "Mask" ended it, by taking the group that brought you the milk-soaked "Marionette" and adding more clothes yet increasing the sexiness anyway, thus confusing the shit out of all those agencies that thought they had everything figured out at the start of the year.  After this song the ratio of pure fap concepts in k-pop returned to normal.  Also, many years ago I dated a girl who looked a bit like Stellar's Hyoeun (idols resembling ex-girlfriends will be a common theme in this list so get used to it), she had the same curly red hair, weird eyes and big boobs thing going on that Hyoeun does here in this video.  The relationship only lasted a couple weeks because as it turned out she was a crazy heroin-addicted prostitute with behaviour more random than Dara's hairstyles but watching this video brought back good memories of blowing loads of cum over her boobs before things went sour so that really helped my fap along here.

8.  2NE1 - Crush





Hey Blackjacks, Kpopalypse is about to say something nice about 2NE1 so sit up straight and pay attention.  After floundering around for the better part of two years making nothing of worth, 2NE1 finally managed to produce about 12 seconds of what I consider to be culturally relevant content, and they're all contained in the "Crush" MV, sandwiched between 0:47 and 1:00.  I'm not sure how they managed it or what sorcery was used, but Bom looks honestly astoundingly cute in the fake backstage dressing room footage here (presumably cosplaying someone who would actually be let onto a stage) and once again resembles an ex-girlfriend somewhat which is always a fap value-booster for me.  She's never pulled off a look this good before or since so I don't have my hopes up for a repeat of this level of hotness in the future but given the way features shift around on her face from one video to the next like colours on a Rubik's cube I suppose anything could happen.

7.  15& - Sugar





Fuck you JYP, why did you have to make a video for 15&'s "Sugar" in May 2014?  If you had waited only a couple more months, Park Jimin would have been 17 in the video which is legal age where I live and then I would have been able to fap without feeling creepy.  15& released a shitload of videos on JYP's channel but since Park Jimin turned 17 they've done fucking nothing on their channel at all, which is a bit fucking suspicious if you ask me, perhaps JYP has lost interest in Park Jimin now that she's older and actually hot, I think Chris Hansen needs to fly to Korea and tell JYP to take a seat.  Park Jimin looks fantastic here (uncannily styled just like one of my super-cute 25 year old ex-girlfriends) but I refuse to fap to this because it makes me feel weird, even though if me and her were married with parental consent we'd be technically legal here - where I live age of consent for girls is 17, unless you're married to her in which case 16 is fine and 100% legal.  So maybe I can fap to this after all, I just need to also imagine a ring on Park Jimin's finger while she's giving me a handjob, but then I just imagine my foreskin getting caught in it so fuck that shit, I'll stick to checking out her more recent Instagram pics instead.  Oh and fuck you JYP.  He'd better not leave this group on the shelf along with 90% of his other artists now that Park Jimin is actually boneable.

6.  Clara ft. Yasu - Fear





Everyone wondered why Clara's debut song didn't make it onto my "worst-of" list, but the answer should be obvious enough - I couldn't assess it as I had no idea what it sounded like because I don't usually watch porn with the sound on.  In fact I still can't remember what this song sounds like, I just played it again now to try and recollect but then Clara's boobs appeared and I was like "where's the lube" and I got distracted.  Who cares what it sounds like.  I also don't care about her legal troubles with her label or whatever, who gives a shit who is suing who and why, it's not my fucking problem so I don't give a fuck.  The minute she sues me then I'll start caring about what's on her phone or whatever.  While every other k-pop fan gossips away about what they read about Clara in the media or some lame comment translation site like an old maid talking about some shit that they've half-heard whispered through a keyhole, I'll continue to jerk it to Clara's boobs.  Priorities.

5.  Raina ft. Kanto - You, End & Me





Everyone zeroed in on Raina and San E's "A Midsummer Night's Sweetness" as a video that I would be interested in for fap purposes, and while that's definitely true, her song with Kanto from nugu group Troy was just a little bit more up my alley.  "You, End & Me" has superior clothing for a start, favouring cute and tight-fitting jumpers that show some serious boob-enhancing properties.  Even better, "You, End & Me" is a breakup song, so that means that Raina is available at the end of the video.  That's great because it means that I don't have to imagine her getting the dick from some k-hip-hop loser.  In that last scene where he walks away from her at the table I can imagine myself giving him a high-five, saying "I'll give you Nana's number later" and then wandering over and sitting down.  Hey Raina, it's okay, Kpopalypse is here.  Let's go back to my place.  I promise I'm not a rapper.  You can't trust those rapper guys Raina, they're no good.  They'll hurt you every time.

4.  Chaness - SeSeSe





Exploring new frontiers of "classy sexy", the MV for LPG subunit Chaness features a girl getting raped by a drunk guy while another girl watches, and still only gets a 15 from the MOGEF because at least they didn't kick any traffic cones in the process.  Of course actual rape is completely horrible and isn't sexy at all, but pretendy rape where nobody actually gets raped but very nicely-dressed actors and actresses just gyrate against each other and rip each other's clothing a little for the camera is hot as fuck.  Just ask any JAV fan, 90% of that stuff is guys pretending to rape girls... and the other 10% is girls pretending to rape guys.  If you've been longing for your favourite k-idol to make the transition into the rapey JAV scene, this video is about as close as you're going to get for now unless you're a Dal Shabet fan.

3.  Gain ft. Bumkey - Fuck U





Of course nobody does "classy sexy" quite like Gain, the original "classy sexy" idol, and if you cruise the comments section of this video you can see all sorts of people debating about what this song means.  The reason for this is that half of the commenters fapped to it and they don't want to admit that they just blew their load over some pretendy rape so they've got to justify it to themselves somehow and say that it's not about rape really but just a "difficult relationship".  I suppose being raped would probably make a relationship pretty "difficult", yeah.  Meanwhile, this mediocre, awkward-sounding song got to #1 on a whole lot of other people's best-of lists for 2014 mostly likely because the writers wanted to look edgy and smart and champion art that "raises questions", while of course refusing to acknowledge that half the audience were fapping to the answers.  There's no reason not to - Gain getting ripped off her tits on Bumkey's stash and playing "Human Centipede" never looked so good, and the guy is Gain's real-life boyfriend, so let's not get too squeamish about a bit of play-acting here.  Not only that but the two actually met and begun their relationship while shooting this MV, so actually what you're watching is one of Gain's most romantic real-life moments, captured on film.  Mind blown yet?

2.  As One - For The Night





The girls in As One are both pretty hot, especially the one with the hat who has a bit of a Minkyung vibe about her which I really like (i.e is a winner in life, is pretty, maybe smoked a cigarette in high school once or twice).  What's even hotter than this is girls in maid uniforms.  Not real maids of course - actual maids these days don't ever wear anything this sexy in real life and even the pretend maids in porn films don't get the fucking maid uniform right half the time.  It's important when cosplaying a maid to only use the colours black and white and in the correct proportions but there's no need for me to describe it down to the last detail here in text because the girl in As One's "For The Night" MV visually demonstrates the ideal maid uniform applied correctly.  I'd hire a maid myself to clean up my place if I knew I was going to get something this hot but I'm sure if I insisted on a hot one and then tried to make her wear the right costume instead of whatever boring shit she normally wears I'd probably get hung at dawn by some anti-discrimination-against-fugly-people activist group... and that'd be before I even asked for the blowjob.

1.  Apink - LUV





In 2014 it was no competition, the true masters of the k-pop white-coater sex concept are Apink and they delivered the fap yet again, as reliable as clockwork.  Apink's label really have to think outside the square with Apink's concepts these days and they're doing an outstanding job.  The group are at that age in their careers where a maturing of their concept is necessary to keep their equally maturing fanbase alive, yet at the same time the paper-thin veneer of "cute innocence" has been this group's bread and butter.  Fortunately for the agency, Apink's fanbase have been spoonfed bullshit for so long that when a "dirty whores jacking off strangers in trenchcoats in the park" concept appears they're too dim to recognise it, but that's okay because the rest of us can still fap.  I know some of you have trouble reading between the lines so Kpopalypse White Coater Comics is here to break it down for you and destroy your innocence.



KPOPALYPSE WHITE-COATER COMICS PRESENTS: APINK - LUV


apinkj4apinkj2apinkj3
Later that day:
apinl1apinl2apinl3apinl5
Towards early evening:
apinkm1apinkm2apinkm6apinkm7apinkm5


The real jacking off will start soon when Apink's sex scandal gets released, but until then this will do nicely.  Anyway thanks for reading and Kpopalypse will return... whether you like it or not!  But if you don't like it, hopefully you find it "classy sexy"!

Yuan Ai Fei 2

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How it going, UCAADs? I'm extremely busy this month and I haven't written a thing since I wrote about Shinbi joining the K-pop industry, so I decided that while I am busy, I can just focus on highlighting some hot Asian girls like I used to do...because let's face it, that's about 95% of the reason you visit my site.

I wanted to kick this off with doing another post on Yuan Ai Fei. I did a post about her last summer and decided that she needed another one.








From now on, I'll schedule posts such as this one to come out every Monday. It probably won't be until May when I can resume writing again. These articles are easy because I'm already looking at these videos while taking a break from studying and doing the other shit I have to do.

In Utero: The Hypnotic Power of Audition Shows

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There are many ways to debut a group: some, apropos of nothing, will be thrust upon the unknowing public like a wet sponge in the hope that whilst their minds recover from the shock, they begin to bias them for lack of anything better to do. Others will have an HBO series-worth of teasers, so that we get very familiar with the face of every group member but know none of their names, making it like a lineup of prostitutes that you frequent. An increasingly popular trend is that of the audition show: now you too can see the process of what goes into selecting an idol group, that would be except for the fact that they are usually scripted and you can predict the winner from a fair distance away. The two key types of audition shows are as follows: the X-Factor-esque shows where simple schmoes like you can achieve their dreams of fame and fortune as quickly as possible, due to lack of idol training there is likely to be a propensity for vocal wankery. The other type is taking a group of trainees and violently executing those that fall behind the others. Being an expert in neither of these, I thought I would look at both to see what makes them so popular and if I should care. Let's bounce.





Let's talk about K-Pop Star, seeing as how the people who perform well on it go on to make their companies $$$. Also, there is a series of it happening right now so this is a topical article about important current affairs which will no doubt help you with your studies. I don't watch this show because I have genuine interests and am yet to hit rock bottom but I can tell, from a cursory glance at past contestants, that people will walk through 3 miles of coal to hear you cough should you end up doing well enough. That doesn't necessarily mean that this creates the highest quality output though: Season 1 saw Park Jimin and Lee Hi as winner and runner respectively, both have gone on to make wholly mediocre music with the only reason to pay attention to either of them is the fact that Jimin went on to be in a group with the significantly more attractive Yerin.

She is a month younger than me, it ain't creepy (even if it were, fuck you)

Even those that aren't the eventual winners get picked up by somebody; on K-Pop Star 1, 6 of the top 10 have Wikipedia pages which is a signifier that someone out there cares. I guess the most notable two would be Seunghoon who went on to join professional purveyors of the most tedious music, WINNER, and Lee Michelle who performed the fantastic Without You (okay so the video is better than the song, but even so, would have an inspirational epiphany to that song). Everyone in the top 10 went on to at least train under a decent label (except for the person who debuted under Bob Film Entertainment, your life is shit and will always be shit). The important thing is that the public also cared, Lee Hi in particular has seen a large amount of support for her own brand of bad soul music, even setting a record for the fastest music show win at the time or something. So do the public of Korea like vocal wankery whilst far superior songs still don't win shit? I would argue that it is the pre-debut process which makes people throw money at these talented, if insecure people.

Bernard Park's thoughts on a daily basis

Whilst I do wish to go through the other K-Pop Star seasons and shit talk them (except Akdong Musician because Akdong Musician are fucking great) it makes sense to illustrate my point with the other type of variety show in which about 37 idols punch each other in the face until 12 or so become victorious. BIGBANG did this a while ago when no-one gave a fuck and the loser debuted in B2ST so it was all okay in the end, VIXX also did this and one of the losers went on to debut in the superior group, Topp Dogg so there probably wasn't much incentive there. Undoubtedly, the most anyone cared about these pre-debut shows was YG's double salvo in 2014: 'WIN: Who Is Next?', and 'MIX & MATCH' which initially saw two teams competing against each other and then the losing team competing to stay in the losing team or something, I didn't watch it and pieced this together from all-caps ramblings on the darkest corner of the internet whilst trying to find sexy pictures of Gain (who coincidentally made her initial appearance on a debut show) and the eternal babe JYP.

I found the first

The second was not far behind

Anyway, the crowds that WINNER and the soon to debut iKON drew were pretty unreal, what with WINNER equalling Akdong Musician's new speed record for music show win speed and members of iKON being put on really good tracks. No doubt when YG gets off his throne of hats, to debut these guys, they will bring in the GDP per capita of Luxembourg in a single day and everyone in Korea will wear Bobby masks. God help us all. Part of what makes these groups so appealing is the combined factor of it feeling like a pre-debut variety show (which are always fun to draw in the crowds), but the threat of elimination gives the audience the impression that their bias could be completely removed from any semblance of relevance with the merest tilt of YG's fat guy hat. This means that those who would have cared anyway will care even more as they are not taking their bias' existence for granted at all. If a group is simply dropped upon us it can be a confusing matter but seeing all the blood, sweat, and toil that generically attractive person #1 put into debuting makes you come to appreciate their existence so much more. It makes you fap with so much more passion to Song Mino bragging about how much he looks like GD. I have insulted YG enough for now, let us move onto other matters to stretch this article out a bit.

Patience reader, your time will cum

Let's talk about KARA Project; I didn't watch it and didn't hear any news about it so I will cobble together a piece of writing based on other vague articles and how attractive I find the members. It was an interesting style of show because it was taking a much loved group and shoehorning in a new member because, let's face it, trios don't work in K-Pop (Tiny G were so much better with based Myung-Ji). Due to the nature of this, the new member was always going to receive large amounts of hate which this article expertly illustrates. This goes against my previous hypothesis (if there was one to be found) because it wasn't until Youngji began to be the best member of Roommate that people were accepting of her. I would say that Youngji is far from the most attractive and Somin is in fact the most worthy of attention (proof below) but I would be lying if I said Youngji's cute as fuck act hasn't worked on me. This has led me to believe that Youngji has become the KARA bias of everyone who didn't particularly care about KARA in the first place, but that is nothing to do with KARA Project because chances are, if you don't care about KARA, you probably didn't watch it. As far as I see it, airing KARA Project served only to get the KARA fans to kill each other whilst those that didn't care indifferently accepted Youngji, thus making the entire thing a huge waste of time.

I told you


But really, despite the fact that one of these styles celebrates vocal wankery and nothing else, and the other creates a civil war within the community, they undoubtedly bring in the moolah for whichever K-Pop company debuts them. At least, that is the thought behind it: if Bob Film Entertainment aired a trainee TV show, a grand total of 1 person in all of Korea would watch it. The success of YG's gruesome twosome has emboldened Starship to the extent that they are now running a similar show. I don't know how popular it is but I enjoy it a fair amount, even if the airtime they give each contestant is a clear sign of who will make the final cut. As for K-Pop Star, it will continue to bring huge profits to whichever company the winner randomly decides to debut under: Akdong Musician were the hottest shit since JYP invented trap music and Bernard Park might be doing pretty well for himself, I never bothered to check. 

Let's break up the text so I can post more relevant Somin

I haven't reached any conclusions through writing this, except maybe that audition shows = £££ but you didn't need me to tell you that. K-Pop Star and other shows of its style always baffled me because there is so much more focus on how much they can make their vocal cords tie themselves in knots, rather than dorm raids and swimsuit competitions (which happen all the time in the trainee style, promise). One thing is for sure though, shows of this style have the odd effect of blinding people to the quality (or lack thereof) of the music produced. Let's do a role-call to find the objective truth about the quality of the music that came about through audition shows.

Park Jimin: 15& sure make some mediocre music, she seems like a cool person from what I have seen but Yerin is the one that matters here.

Lee Hi: They go for that sassy soul thing with her, gets pretty boring after a while and her voice is hard to listen to for more than 20 seconds.

Baek Ayeon: There is a special place in hell reserved for whoever allowed this to happen

Akdong Musician: Fuck all y'all, Akdong Musician are fun as fuck. Their success is completely baffling though (until one has war flashbacks to remember Busker Busker)

Bang Yedam: Yet to debut, this kid is fucking 12 and really annoying. Let us hope he stops.

Andrew Choi: Also yet to debut, will definitely put out the musical equivalent of gruel

Bernard Park: A bad name for someone that makes bad music

BIGBANG: Did it before it was cool, I can get down to a few of their songs. Lalala is abhorrent in every sense of the word.

Bigstar: They have one good song, the rest should be used as torture.

VIXX: Why are people all about these guys? Am I missing something from this music? Their dancing is on another level, but this is horrible music.


WINNER: *snore*

The rest are yet to debut but idk. Bobby did some mediocre solo raps and a few guys from Starship were in a decent looking group called NUBOYZ. Of course, this quality shouldn't be surprising as the regular audition shows are interested in you being a good singer and nothing else, the trainee style is merely coincidence (and the quality of their output isn't too bad anyway, WINNER were shit which is my abiding memory). Regardless, people flock from far and wide to stan a new group if there has been ten weeks of build-up when you can see every member get beaten by the CEO and get their dicks out for the camera. That's just business and we will keep lapping up the vocal wankery and powerful elimination angst until the end of time.

Bonus: Read this because it talks about a different audition show and is really interesting despite the lack of butts present in the article.

Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 73

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This week's photo comes from an anonymous person:



Thank you for your submission!

~*~*~

THAI PEOPLE SPEAK TAI THAIWANESE, DURR. 'Thai' isn't a language. That would be dumb to call their language that. BamBam (Got7) is from Thaiwan, guys. Get your shit straight, Daehyun, Kunpimook (lol isn't that BamBam's real name?), and Huang. You guys are confusing it with Tailand, which is near China. You guys should 'shhhhhhh shut uuuuuuup'.

At least Reina appears to be somewhat reasonable, acknowledging that when that relationship does not work out, "oh well" ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


If anyone has submissions for future Stupid Things Fangirls Utter, please e-mail them to zomg.oppa.sareanghae@gmail.com, tweet them to @akf_shinbi, ask them at ask.fm/akfshinbi, send them to ionlylearnedthebadthings (tumblr), or leave them in the comment section below. Remember your rights on this site: anything you say or do here can and probably will be used against you. Thank you, FISHies!

The Best of the Worst: Jan. 29, 2015

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Hola, everyone! We're back with more kpop hearsay and conjecture. This week, we've got an idol rumored to have left their company, someone lying about her age, and an idol who loves pussy a little too much for one reporter.







Kpopalypse Nugu Alert Episode 7: Livii, Black Anvil, Celma

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That's right, cao ni mas, it's come around to that time again:
iuuniformnugu

Time to dust off the first crop of nugus for 2015!

Everyone's talking about Unpretty Rapstar lately, that rap "reality" TV show that I really don't give a flying fuck about.  Reality shows are worthless because the makers of these shows can edit their footage of them to tell literally any story they damn well choose, and the following video demonstrates excellently how this happens:


It's easy to see why the lame scripted (or at least heavily "planned") drama involved in Unpretty Rapstar interests me absolutely zero percent, but even assuming that it's not a bunch of stupid pre-planned bollocks, there's no real competition anyway.  All the people on that show, regardless of what you think of their respective rapping ability, have already won just by being able to be part of such a show in the first place and getting their name out there.  That's obviously the real point of it all from their perspective, everything else is just a sideshow.  But it got me thinking: what about the girls who are far too nugu to hop onto this type of promotional vehicle?  I think people should spare a thought for them.  Who is going to feature you and try to help your career if you're a young female rapper that can't get on Korean TV and rub shoulders with celebrity idols like AOA's Jimin and underground rappers like Tymee?  Kpopalypse, that's who.  Don't thank me all at once, Korean rap ladies.

You know the rules:
  • Less than 20,000 YouTube hits.
  • Who the fuck are they again?  Nobody cares.
Let's do it.



Livii - Watch & Learn



Livii's "Watch & Learn" is genuinely cheap and terrifyingly ugly, seemingly shot on a laptop webcam and with about 40% of the screen real-estate taken up with crappy pixelated still images that don't even seem to have any relationship to each other, let alone the video which is just her dancing around in a karaoke booth and flouncing around on a bed somewhere (it's not as exciting as it sounds).  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be watching and learning, but how to make a decent music video obviously isn't it.  The painful nuguness of the video is enough to get it on Nugu Alert alone even though Livii does in fact have another song with a slightly more high-budget video that just broke the 20,000 hits barrier... but that one didn't have any rapping in it, or cruddy pictures of Sailor Moon and blinged-out ballpoint pens (the latest gangster trend, I guess), so it doesn't count.  The song's no great shakes either unfortunately, with the usual awful synthesiser hooks and lame beats that rap has now... but hey, I guess I've heard worse.

YouTube hits at time of writing: 4981

Notable attribute: "power-off" button thoughtfully provided at the bottom center of the video actually does stop the music!  Just don't double-click.

Nugu alert rating: moderate

Black Anvil - Move Up



It never hurts to have a couple of attractive young ladies to augment your male rap crew, provide some much-needed variety and fap value plus stay culturally relevant.   Sure, people could accuse you of being a little tokenistic about it all, but then people could also accuse you of punching them in the head, so whatever.  Not only are there two girls here who rap, but this song isn't particularly awful and there even seems to have been a reasonable amount of money spent on the video.  Not only that but they've got a guy called Mr. Boombox who waves his magical wand of making the beat suck dick slightly less for about 25 seconds at the 2:30 mark before the studio producers intervene and kick him off the track.  So what's with the low, low viewcount?  Maybe it's the lack of twerking and/or stripping from the girls, or maybe the problem is that one of them is called Shy which is just the totally wrong name for a rapper or maybe it's just how those who champion strong female rappers don't ever really bother to seek this kind of stuff out and highlight it more often because they're too busy making fap posts just like Kpopalypse does.  Ha.

YouTube hits at time of writing: 5991

Notable attribute: awkwardly choreographed live performance on nugu-friendly TV program Show Champion has more hits than the official MV

Nugu alert rating: high

Celma - Lalala



We all know how girls yelling raps into a microphone is all about smashing that glass ceiling isn't that right... oh wait, but Tymee earns less than the Korean lady in my local gift shop selling toy Psy mobile phones.  Perhaps not so much a glass ceiling than a glass stepladder, but even poverty-line Tymee is still more successful than most of them, largely due to her fap-friendly concepts gaining her some notoriety.  Just like with the more commercial k-pop, rapper girls need to get down and dirty to increase that web traffic, and there's nothing like an attractive girl performing to a great song to boost that viewcount.  Unfortunately Celma and "Lalala" is nothing like an attractive girl performing to a great song, but hey let's not be mean because full marks for effort.  That "my lips, my titties, my hips, my pussy" line might be the only actual rap that she does here, but arguably it's all the rap anybody needs, so why get picky.  Especially because the way she pronounces "titties" sounds a lot like "penis" so you can imagine that she's a transsexual if you're into that sort of thing, it's probably the closest that anyone with a sexual preference for girls with dicks will ever get to fanservice in the Korean music scene.  I don't know why it's called "Lalala" though, maybe because that's what you'll be singing while you stick your fingers in your ears to block out the sound.

YouTube hits at time of writing: 10619

Notable attribute: completely prostitutes herself yet still qualifies for Nugu Alert anyway, sign of a true hardcore nugu

Nugu alert rating: extreme



nugu7

Thanks for reading - Kpopalypse Nugu Alert will return with more nugus soon!

Iljins' Delivery of Gifts Approved by the Fapgods (IDGAF) #2

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We have ourselves our first offering (submission) for this series, delivered unto to us by the fapgods' messenger, jaejin fag.


Short and sweet. But, wait, there's more!

One of the greatest wasted fap opportunities in kpop is when hot girls feature in MVs, but ugly dudes are dominating most of the screen time. Yahage is a very good example of this, with New Champ and his dumbass face making you lose any momentum you might have gained from fapping to Lime, Kaeun and Uji (from Hello Venus, After School and BESTie, respectively). It's almost enough to make you cry while shoving ice cream into your mouth, just like he does at 3:11. No wonder he has such terrible teeth. But if that's your thing, then here's the full MV.

'Quit Playing', on the other hand, actually has a pretty sexy original MV, seemingly geared towards women than men. The guys are much better looking than New Champ, but for those who would prefer the guys to be edited out, that's what the MRS version is for.

Talking of which, 'meets required standards' used in a kpop context is clearly Kpopalypse lexicon. Is Az5he6ch a cao ni ma? It would seem that the master has taught him/her well, for (s)he has granted us a fapgift most sublime.


If you have any good kpop related fap material, which is unlikely to have been seen by most k-fappers, around here, send them my way via twitter, ask.fm or email newworldandbeyond@gmail.com. See my about.me for a full list of criteria for IDGAF submissions. May the fapgods watch over you! (not in a creepy way, just to make sure you're using proper technique)

Yuka (moumoon)

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This week's spotlight is on Yuka, the vocalist for the Japanese band moumoon. She has straight teeth, making her hotter than 95% of other Japanese girls right off the bat!


A photo posted by YUKA (@yukamoumoon) on





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