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Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 74

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This week's photo comes from Shamica:



Thank you for your submission!

~*~*~

How naive are you, (assumedly) international fangirl? Four of these points are the same goddamn thing. I hate repetitive, ill-informed, presumptuous, and dumbass lists like these. Sweeping generalizations all over the place on this shitty ass photograph. It is not even a long list. It literally has four "points".

"He might be a K-popper": because that is what is most important when looking for a mate - the chance of being the girl/boyfriend to a famous idol.
… who will then leave you for someone more famous and beautiful than yourself.

"They dress better than other boys"
Oh really? Are you positive about that? That ALL have spectacular fashion senses?


Well. At least you got that point right. Look at that sexy beast. The cow socks are really doing it for me.

Choosing someone specifically based on race is literally racist. You, sir/madam, are a racist. Why don't you join the KKK while you are at it, Hitler?

Sweeping generalization alert: Trust me, dating a Korean boy isn't that great. 


If anyone has submissions for future Stupid Things Fangirls Utter, please e-mail them to zomg.oppa.sareanghae@gmail.com, tweet them to @akf_shinbi, ask them at ask.fm/akfshinbi, send them to ionlylearnedthebadthings (tumblr), or leave them in the comment section below. Remember your rights on this site: anything you say or do here can and probably will be used against you. Thank you, FISHies!

The Best of the Worst: Feb. 5, 2015

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Welcome back, friends. This week, we have a grab bag of stories, including an idol who's aggressive in bed, the story behind a song, and what the future holds for one actor/model.

Also, AOA's Youkyung sees the light of day. 


At left, Youkyung: the fallen half-angel


Another image to erase from your memory

Jonghyun Doesn't Need A Girlfriend

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Jonghyun says he doesn't need a girlfriend, and I'm here to explain why. And for some reason, it seems like a writer on AKF covers Jonghyun relationship status at least once a year. 


Like most Asian men, Jonghyun's penis is nearly impossible to see with using something such as a telescope. He got tired of Shin Se Kyung using a scope to find his penis.

Nigga, I can't see yo dick. I can spot a buck's dick from 100 yards out, but I can't see yours from three feet away.


With his former girlfriend being this hot, Jonghyun's penis couldn't become erect enough to satisfy Shin Se Kyung. So, Shin Se Kyung had to peg Jonghyun, as that was the only way any kind of penetrative intercourse was going to occur in their relationship.

I'm assuming this is how Shin Se Kyung would look as a tranny.
After getting rammed up the ass a few times, Jonghyun knew he was a faggot, and thus turned to Key.

Fags.
He doesn't need a girlfriend because he has a boyfriend.

[MV Review] 4Minute - Crazy

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Crazy? What's crazy is me releasing an MV review on the same day it came out.


To be honest, I was completely dreading the upcoming 4Minute comeback because everything since Volume Up has been complete and utter garbage. I had lost faith in Hyuna and Her Girls, because everything CUBE was giving me filled me with revulsion. I mostly blame Brave Brothers for that, but a lot of the blame also goes to whoever was supposed to butter that fucker up to convince him to give 4Minute the good shit because that person obviously didn't do a very good job.

Thankfully, CUBE has realized that Brave Brothers will shit the goddamn bed if he isn't properly compensated so they've decided to use the talents of Seo Jae Woo joined by Big Sancho and Son Young Jin for the lead single this time instead. Seo Jae Woo is fairly well-credentialed if not well-known. He was responsible for tracks like Hyuna's Red (also with Big Sancho) and Ailee's Don't Touch Me, so I for one am glad to see him getting work over Brave Brothers at least. Couldn't find anything on Son Young Jin but whatev.

The song they've given us is really good, and I can say with firm conviction that it's their best offering since Volume Up. Yeah, it's not that hard to take that particular accomplishment home considering how garbage 2013 and 2014 were for them but it's a victory nonetheless. I know it starts off with one of the worst introductions in KPop to date, but give it a chance.

"Yeah, I'm tha FEMALE MONSTA. Ya know dat?"
It starts off with fairly standard fare for 4Minute so far regarding Hyuna's serviceable raps (she's come a long way) and Sohyun's verses, but sorta like where Volume Up shined, it's the pre-chorus anchored by Gayoon that's really excellent material. This is where the instrumental does its work and hypes you up with some good ol' high octane electronic beats and double kick pedal. Maybe it's my lowbrow common denominator taste at work, but that shit really gets my blood pumping. The chorus itself is more evidence of KPop's recent infatuation of trap beats, but whoever made this particular one did an okay job in my opinion. I do wish that it went in harder or did something to make it stand out more from the instrumental used during the verses, but it's aight as is I suppose.

Like many people have noted so far, 4Minute have also managed to shit all over 2NE1's style in this particular comeback. Not that it's particularly hard to do so these days since 2NE1 themselves seem content with sandbagging the shit out of their comebacks, but the point still stands. The general visual impact combined with the song's "EDM + trap" fusion beats smacks of 2NE1's general direction in the last year and a half, but they've done it far better than 2NE1 could have dreamed of while trapped under the musical influence of G-Dragon's left testicle. Let the salty Blackjacks whine about how everyone's copying their "queens," non-Hyuna-only 4Nias can finally dust off their lightsticks and come out of the woodwork.

Jiyoon's rap makes me laugh though. Her nasally tone was used pretty decently throughout, especially with with her little "New York Paris Milano Tokyo London" bit in my opinion, but the overall delivery and impact is equal parts funny and aurally pleasing to me. I dunno what it is, but the lilt of some of her delivery (most particularly in her "London") has a certain je nais se quoi about it that's hard to explain.

Sure wish they styled her better though.
Worst part of the song has to be Jihyun's verse though. I don't know why they decided to throw in such an awkward slow break in the song, especially at the end, but it throws off the pacing and atmosphere of the song until the beat starts setting up the drop. As much as I love Jihyun, that had to be one of the worst excuses to include her in this song. I mean she already doesn't do much except look hot, but to shoehorn her in like that at the end leaves a bad taste in my mouth ALMOST (but not quite) unrelated to how boring her verse was. 

I mean look at it:
[KR]
Amugeodo mutji malgo nawa nora
Oneulmaneun ttarawa
Oneulman nal ttara michin cheokhae
[ENG]
You’re crazy for me, just trust me
Go crazy for me
Trust yourself to me, just trust me
Trust yourself to me
She literally says 12 words. 12!! JIHYUN WAS ROBBED OF NOT ONLY QUALITY LYRICS, BUT SCREENTIME TOO. Goddamn it, I waited almost 3 YEARS for more Jihyun and all I got was 23 SECONDS of solo time. 23 FUCKING SECONDS...

I mean she's still really gorgeous and well styled, but STILL.
It's a goddamn travesty. At the very least, we get an... interesting sequence of choreography for her.

SO UNORIGINAL

The Jiboobies are still as excellent as ever.

I have no idea what this is supposed to be.
I can't really say Jihyun's choreography is the low water mark of the MV either though. Nothing else really stands out as far as technicality or originality goes, but we do get this particular gem that comes from a combination of good angles, cinematography, and choreo as Sohyun literally backs dat ass up into the camera.

I must say, nearly everyone in KPop looks goddamn tragic trying to twerk
I dunno if it's the styling or my mind playing tricks on me after not seeing either of the two in so long, but Sohyun's giving me Minzy (#freeMinzy) vibes in this MV. They're both vocally competent, solid dancers, and the maknae of their respective groups at the very least, so maybe I'm not exactly going off on a limb here. Then again, ass focus aside, Sohyun can't really hold a candle to the Yung Minzy (#freeMinzy). But she sure can try.

Speaking of visuals, mostly everyone manages to look decent in this. Hyuna is as ravishing as ever since she stumbled upon the magic formula of make-up and styling that worked for her in her A Talk solo (look at her hair tho!!), and Jihyun is just perfect in general. Sohyun takes a solid third over Jiyoon because Jiyoon just got screwed over somehow where she usually takes top marks.

Gayoon on the other hand is a straight up trainwreck in most cuts. Whether it's the horrifically ugly set of mom capris, the white bootleggers and Nike sweatband(?!) combo, or the ode to chola fashion, Gayoon just got butchered in every regard.

I don't know what this expression is supposed to convey, but my
guess is forgiveness from all her Hispanic/Latino fans for this travesty.
Speaking of which, is anyone going to raise a stink about cultural appropriation here or are we reserving that particular card for the Black community only?

TL;DR:
The song's a certified banger and long-time 4Nias can finally show their faces around the internet again with this one.

+:
  • the song's fantastic
  • Gayoon's pre-chorus slayage
  • Hyuna
  • Jihyun is flawfree
  • Jiyoon's rap makes me laugh
  • booty backing up choreo point
-:
  • tragic twerking
  • chorus could go harder
  • Jihyun's verse sucks
I give this MV a 4/5.
(I also recommend you check out the rest of their mini album which is fairly good throughout. 1절만 하시죠 and Show Me in particular are my favorites aside from Crazy)

080-SONE-AWAY - Sone Away Services

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That's right kids, it's time for another Kpopalypse fanfiction!  This one's for all you SNSD fans, plus all of those who have been asking me for methods on how you can emotionaly deattach yourself from a fandom!  Read on and be entertained (or not)!

jessica-snsd-no-regrets


You're female, 28 years old, Korean and most of all a Sone - and that's a problem for you.  You know this now.

It took you a little while to realise.  When you first discovered them seven years ago, your love of Girls' Generation didn't seem like it would be a major negative quality issue for your life.  You loved the group, the individual members, their songs, their music videos, their concerts, their TV appearances, all the products that they endorsed, you bought yourself one of those "Cooky" phones, you wore your SNSD backpack on the bus (a few derisive stares but who cares), you were happy.  All was well in the world.

Then life changed.  Adult responsibilities started creeping in.  You graduated from university and landed a job at a real estate firm.  You were happy to finally see real money and the end of the studying life, but now you had daily commitments and schedules to keep that couldn't simply be brushed aside to watch SNSD TV appearances or chase the group around Seoul in a taxi.  Then to complicate matters further, you met a guy and became romantically involved.  Dating hours and SNSD activity hours were forever coinciding, and working your dinner-date schedules to fit around SNSD's schedules proved impossible.  Sometimes you would just have to cancel.  Other times, you would attend and sit in the restaurant silently, waiting for the food to arrive while thinking of the SNSD content you were missing out on, feeling glum.

"What's wrong?  Are you okay?" he would ask, noticing your faraway gaze.

"No... it's nothing.  Don't worry."

"It's that fucking group again isn't it?  It's just a bunch of girls singing and dancing, what's the big deal?"

"I'm sorry... it's just... Girls' Generation's spot on Music Core is on tonight, and I'm just wondering how it's going."

"I wish you'd worry so much about how we are going", he replied, the bitterness in his voice barely concealed.  "Can't you just watch it later?"

"But if I'm watching it when it happens, it's like I'm part of it, somehow.  I feel more connected."

"But you're not.  It's just a TV show, nothing more."

The same argument, every time... however the straw that broke the camel's back was when Jessica left... or got booted out, but you're certain that she left, because she's a selfish bitch.  How dare she leave, what gives her the right?  The news hit you like a ton of bricks - you took the next fortnight off work and stayed home and cried.  And cried.  And cried.  In an ever-changing world, SNSD's solid lineup was like the sun rising in the east, a reliable and steadfast entity that you could always count on to be there, a comfort amidst the chaos of existence.  Suddenly not having your Divine Nine there for you was unthinkable, like the sky falling, a knife straight through the heart.  Sick of not getting his texts and calls returned, your boyfriend (at the insistence of your very concerned parents who also hadn't heard from you and had also been contacted by your work asking where you were) broke down the door to your apartment, to find you curled up in a fetal ball on the floor in front of your refrigerator, with the door ajar and the cold blowing in your face, very much conscious but seemingly mentally on another planet.  The lights were off and the entire apartment's walls were covered in black paint scribbled text, the words "Jessica", "bitch", "slut" and "whore" being most prominent.  It's funny because you don't remember painting any of that, in fact you don't even remember buying the paint or the brushes.  The whole incident seems like such a distant memory even though it was only the other week, or month, or however long it was... you're really not sure, your sense of time was hazy during those moments.  What you are sure of is that once you recovered from the initial shock your boyfriend gave you an ultimatum - it's SNSD, or it's me.

If it was a few years ago, that would have been an easy decision - you would have picked SNSD for sure.  However you're a bit older and wiser now, and you can see that leaving the Sone life behind might actually be in your best interests - it's affecting not just your relationship but your financial security with a combination of missing work, sasaeng taxi fares plus buying tons of merch and 30 copies of every album so you can have all nine photocards.  Then there's the extra time commitment of being constantly active on fan forums, available for voting competitions so you can vote thousands of times for SNSD and support them, etc.  You can clearly see that being a Sone has evolved far beyond simply liking the group - it's become a second job, one that you are paying for.

However, there's a difference between rationally realising that being a Sone is no good for your life, and emotionally being able to deattach yourself from SNSD to the point where you can function without the group as the most important thing in your existence.  You wonder if you're going to be able to do this on your own.  So when your boyfriend emailed you the following advertisement, along with a heartfelt plea to consider it for the good of the relationship, you didn't delete the email right away.

soneaway1

You'll think about it, but you won't dial the number... at least not yet.  Maybe you can kick the Sone habit on your own, you'll give that a try first.

-

A few weeks go by, and here are your achievements to date:
  • You've cancelled membership of your favourite SNSD online forum.  Well, okay - you didn't really cancel it, you just put up a big long post saying that you were leaving and why, and you won't visit there from now on.  Or at least for a while, until you recover.
  • You unfollowed a couple friends on Twitter who were always spamming requests to participate in voting for SNSD, often these requests were bordering on emotional blackmail so you're glad to be rid of them because being told you were a "bad fan" was freaking you out.
  • You've cut down your SNSD listening/viewing time to no more than one hour per day, which you are adhering to strictly.
It's a small dent, but hey it's a start.  You're not ready to go cold turkey just yet.  You will ease yourself off SNSD gradually.

You're sitting at home one evening after work when all of a sudden you hear a tune: "oh cooky, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind HEY COOKY"... your mobile phone is ringing.  You haven't gotten around to changing that ringtone yet.  You make a note to deduct the seconds before you pick the phone up from your allotted SNSD listening time for the day, and quickly take the call.  It's from SoneLyfe888, one of the other old forum members.

"Hello?"

"They beat us!  They beat us!"  SoneLyfe888, a 14 year old fangirl and diehard Sone, is on the other end of the line and is sobbing.

"Who?  What do you mean?"

"BigBang!  They must have hacked YouTube!  Fantastic Baby has..." - the rest is an inaudible mess of sobbing and phone-line distortion, however you know exactly what this phone call means, because it was a hot topic of conversation on the forums just before you left.  Your heart sinks.

"I don't believe it.  Let me look..."  You can feel the dread rising in your stomach as you rush to check YouTube, where your worst fear is confirmed.

youtuggbb

You go to say something, but you can't find the right words.  It doesn't matter anyway because you are quickly cut off:

"Why am I ringing YOU for, you don't CARE anymore, anyway!  You BITCH!"  SoneLyfe888 terminates the call loudly in your eardrum, perhaps she threw the phone.

The tears begin slowly at first, but soon start flowing.  SNSD have lost one of their main claims to fame - the highest number of hits from a k-pop group on YouTube, it's a crushing moment.  Soon you're sobbing uncontrollably on your bed, with "Gee" on infinite repeat, SNSD allocated listening time be damned.  This shouldn't be affecting you so much, but it is anyway... you make a pact with yourself that in the morning, you will ring 080-SONE-AWAY.  You're way too emotional to do it right at this moment.  You sob until you can't stay awake anymore, the twinkling synthesizers of "Gee" ringing in your ears.

-

The next morning you force yourself to eat breakfast, even though it's the absolute last thing that you feel like doing at that moment.  Actually it's the second-last thing you feel like doing, because the very last thing you feel like doing is what you do immediately after you finish breakfast.  You pick up your phone and dial the number.

A recorded message begins.  "Thank you for dialling 080 Sone Away.  We're here to help you!  In just a few words, please state the nature of your enquiry."

You don't know what to say.

The recorded message continues.  "I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.  In just a few words, please state the nature of your enquiry."

After a pause to gather your thoughts, you mutter "Sone".

The recorded message continues.  "I'm sorry, I'm still having trouble hearing you.  In just a few words, please state the nature of your enquiry."

You speak louder, it's awkward talking to a machine.  "I'm a Sone, I need help!"

"That would be an enquiry about being a Sone.  Is this correct?"

"Yes."

"Okay.  Putting you through now."

The recorded voice ends and another recording begins.  "Thank you for calling 080 Sone Away.  Your call is very important to us, so please be patient.  If this is an emergency, please hang up now and dial emergency services.  Please note that calls will be monitored for quality and training purposes.  Please tell the operator if you do not wish for this call to be recorded."  The voice goes away and some hold music begins - BigBang's "Fantastic Baby".  No doubt this piece was chosen deliberately.  You sigh and wait.  A couple minutes of waiting later and you are connected.

"080 Sone Away, how can I help you?" asks a woman with a thick Amero-Indian accent.

"I'm a Sone, I need help."

"Sorry, we can't help you be a Sone.  This is 080 Sone Away.  Please check the number and dial..."

"No, I mean that I want to stop being a Sone."

"Oh, okay.  Putting you through."

"This isn't the right number?"

"It is, but we just handle general enquiries here.  You need to speak to Sone Away Services."

"What?  What's the difference?"

"Putting you through, won't be long."

You are placed on hold.  "Fantastic Baby" plays through the speakers again.  Ugh.  Another recorded message then begins.  "Did you know that Sone Away Services has a 100% success rate with no relapses?  We're always here to help you beat your addiction to the SNSD fandom!  Please stay on the line while we...." the recording is cut off by an operator.

"Sone Away services, how can I help you?" asks a woman with a thick Amero-Indian accent, which is nevertheless slightly different-sounding to the woman you spoke to earlier.  She speaks slightly slower and higher-pitched.

"Hi, I'm a Sone, and I need help!"

"Sorry, we can't help you be a Sone.  This is Sone Away..."

You cut her off.  "No, I mean that I want to stop being a Sone!"

"Oh.  Okay, I'll send you out an information pack."

You're nearly in tears.  "But I need help!  Can't somebody help me?"

"Don't worry, the information pack will have all the help you need.  We'll even courier it to you so that you get it today.  Your address please?"

You give the person your address, feeling somewhat reassured.

"Okay, we'll send that out to you this afternoon.  Will you be home?"

"Yes.  But what's in the information pack?"

"Oh, I couldn't tell you.  We just send them out.  But don't worry.  Sone Away Services has a 100% success rate!  Nobody ever rings us twice!"

"Oh.  How do I pay?"

"Oh, it's free!  Don't worry, preventing Sone insanity is government funded!  Anything else I can help you with?"

You're sure that there is but you can't think of anything.  "No", you sheepishly reply.

"Thank you for using Sone Away Services!"

The lady terminates the call and a recording cuts in.  "Thank you for your call.  If you have time, please stay on the line for a brief customer satisfaction survey, which will only take one minute."
You hang up, and sigh heavily.  At least that's over with.

-

That afternoon, you're having a nap when you hear loud high-pitched barking waking you up - your tiny yet faithful dog Baekhyun (named so you can brag on forums "I ship a family member with Taeyeon") is reacting to someone at your door.  You go to answer it, it's a courier with a parcel under his arm.

"Sign here please."  The courier hands you a tablet and a stylus pen, and you make a signature.  He gives you the parcel and then leaves.  You rush into the bedroom and open the parcel.  The contents include a letter:

lettersone

The following carry case, which is quite heavy and obviously contains a gun:

glokbox

Which you only know because there's also an instruction manual for the gun:

glok

And this signed photocard of Jessica Jung, that ex-SNSD bitch traitor:

Jessic3

What's the point of all this?  Are they suggesting that you shoot yourself?  Or SNSD?  Or Jessica?  You sift through the packaging again, and between the layers of cardboard and bubble-wrap there's no explanation anywhere of why the pistol or the photocard has been sent to you.  Maybe there's something in the gun case but you refuse to even open that, sliding it under your bed along with the instructions, hopefully to be forgotten.  You've never fired a gun in your life and you don't intend to start now.  You focus your attention on the letter... no SNSD at all, cold turkey?  And exactly what "support" are they going to give you?  It doesn't make sense.  You get your phone out and dial 080-SONE-AWAY.

A recorded message begins.  "Thank you for dialling 080 Sone Away.  We're here to help you!  In just a few words, please state the nature of your enquiry."

"Gun", you say.

"That would be an enquiry about being a Mine.  Is this correct?"

"No, I said a gun, not a mine!  Why do I get sent a gun?"

"Sorry, 080 Sone Away is only for Sones and does not cater to other fandoms.  Goodbye."

The call terminates with a click.  You dial again.  A recorded message begins.  "Thank you for dialling 080 Sone Away.  We're here to help you!  In just a few words, please state the nature of your enquiry."
 
"Sone", you say loudly.

"That would be an enquiry about being a Sone.  Is this correct?"

"Yes."

"Okay.  Putting you through now."

You wait while the message about the call being recorded plays.  After a few minutes, an operator appears on the line.

"080 Sone Away, how can I help you?" asks a man with a thick Amero-Indian accent.

"Why did I get sent a gun?"

"Sorry, this is not a gun shop, I think you have the wrong number, check the number and..."

"No, it's from Sone Away, I received a package, it has a gun in it."

"Oh.  You shouldn't have a gun.  Are you sure the package is from us?"

"It came with a letter from Sone Away Services.  It even said that you don't provide ammunition for it."

"Okay... let me speak to my supervisor."  He puts you on hold.  After a couple minutes he returns: "Sorry, I'll have to transfer you.  Give me just a moment."  You wait while you are transferred.

"Sone Away services, how can I help you?" asks a woman with a thick Amero-Indian accent.

"I called and was sent a gun.  Why was I sent a gun?"

"You called 080 Sone Away?"

"Yes."

"Sorry, we're Sone Away Services.  We don't provide anything like that, you're in the wrong department.  Let me transfer you..."

"But you're the one who sent it, I have a letter..."

"Those are just generic letters ma'am, we don't provide firearms.  Now please give me a moment and I'll transfer you to 080..."

You hang up on her.  It's too hard to talk to these people, you'll just keep the gun under the bed - it won't harm anyone under there, especially with no bullets for it and you not knowing how to use it.  In the meantime you realise that you forgot to ask the questions about what exactly they will do to help you not be a Sone.  You really couldn't be bothered ringing back and going through all of that again though, so you forget about it.  You're sure the answer will become clear in time, for now you concentrate on doing your best to forget that SNSD exist.  It's difficult but you stay away from all SNSD content for the rest of the day.  Your dog Baekhyun's hyperactivity provides a useful distraction (he seems more animated than usual, for some reason), and thinking about the gun probably also helped.

-

A week goes by.  It's proving difficult to stay away from SNSD.  Not listening to the music, okay, you suppose you can handle that... not watching the girls' live stages on TV is harder, but hardest of all is not talking about SNSD, because it denies you the opportunity to vent your pain and grief of losing the Sone fandom to anybody.  Every day that you don't is a special day for you, a day that you no longer are a Sone - but there's nobody to share this revelation with.  You've cut off all contact with your ex-fandom and your boyfriend sure as hell doesn't want to hear it, he forbids you to even mention the word.  A dark cloud hovers over your psyche.  So one night after work you sneak a peek at the online forum that you were once a member of... just to see what the reaction is to BigBang getting more YouTube hits:
TiffanyIMBF: I'm sad.  I can't brag to my friends who like BigBang now.  :(
Genie4yrwish: I took down my BigBang posters today.  I don't like them anymore.
SoneLyfe888: It's OUR FAULT, we didn't support them enough!  Everybody go to Gee right now and watch!  Make sure you watch the video from the beginning to the end or it won't count!  Also don't use Adblock or it won't count!  Watch no more than once every five minutes!  Don't use bots or page refresher programs!  Delete your browser history and cookies between each viewing!  We can reclaim the throne, Sones!
Soneontherange: I cried all day.
Taeyeonfapper: We shouldn't be making a big deal out of thi.... hahaha just kidding WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS BULLSHIT BIGBANG HAVE MEDIA PLAY SAEJEGI HAX SHIT
OT84EVA: It's a good thing that I have my fandom to support me in times of crisis like this.  What would we do without each other to get each other through the hard times.
Yoloswag420: Wow, fantastic baby.
Reading makes you upset - you miss the good times of associating with the Sones, your only friends before you gave up the Sone life.  Living is unbearable without your friends.  Surely just one message won't hurt?  But no, you have to be strong.  You look at the replies to another post, the one where you said goodbye to your fellow Sones:
TiffanyIMBF: We'll miss you!  Good luck!
Jessicaisaslut: Please come back to us!
Taeyeonfapper: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
SoneLyfe888: You fucking bitch, you've betrayed the Sones, right when we needed you most.  Don't think you can ever do that.
Seohyungod:  Don't leave!  No!
OT84EVA: :( :( :( :( :(
Yoloswag420: People who make big posts about how they're leaving forums never fucking leave for any length of time.  If you really mean it just shut up and fuck off, bitch.
Soshimoshimoshi: Why would you want to quit being a Sone?  That doesn't even make any sense!  You can't be addicted to being a Sone!  It's not like a drug or something.
You're touched - they mostly really miss you.  Craving the social interaction you've denied yourself, you can't resist typing a small comment:
It's been a week, I'm doing well so far!  Please don't hate me for it, I still love SNSD, I just need a break for a while!
A few replies come quickly:
SoneLyfe888: You can't leave.  I won't allow it.
Jessicaisaslut: Please come back!  We miss you!
Yoloswag420: I called it.  Next time fuck off for real, and don't post about it like an attention-whore.  Nobody cares.
You think about replying again to these comments, when your concentration is broken by a tune: "oh cooky, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind HEY COOKY"... your phone.  You've received a text message.

invalid2

They're looking at your Internet activity?  You quickly get off the Internet and you don't use it for the rest of the night.  How did they know?  Demerit points?  Nobody told you about anything like this!  Still, if it helps you kick the SNSD fandom, you'll go along with it - after all it's not like you have anywhere else to turn, and they do have a 100% success rate, or so they say.  You're not sure how they'll achieve that with you - you've tried to be as good as you can be, but it's hard and the SNSD cravings aren't going anywhere.  Sensing a full relapse coming, you try to amuse yourself with some TV (not idol shows, you're too scared about SNSD appearing) and do your best to cleanse your mind of Girls' Generation for the rest of the night.

-

The next morning, you wake up and go to work as normal.  When you come home your dog Baekhyun greets you by the doorway.  His smiling face and hyperactive demeanour always cheers you up.  Just as you walk through the door and close it behind you, a tune: "oh cooky, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind HEY COOKY"... your phone.  One new message.

invalid3

What consequences?  You look around the room.  Everything seems normal.  You certainly feel normal - you're missing SNSD of course, but apart from this today doesn't seem odd.  You boot up your computer and go online.  Your email is normal, your connection is normal, even your SNSD forum membership (you briefly access the website just to check that you can still log on before hastily closing the window) is still intact.  What consequences?

You ponder the question for the rest of the evening.  The answer eventually comes to you, just before bedtime when you step into the bathroom to shower and your ever-loving canine companion Baekhyun comes to sniff at your feet and you see him from an angle that you didn't observe him from earlier that evening.

threedog

You scream.  Baekhyun had four legs yesterday, it can't be!  After a few minutes of freaking out, you look closer at the amputation site.  It's neatly stitched - not an accident, but a professional job.  Tears flow while your mind races.  You left Baekhyun indoors, so whoever did this must have gotten inside your house.  You quickly run around and look for signs of a break-in, but everything seems as secure as it did this morning when you left the house, there are no broken locks or opened windows.  Who knows you well enough to enter your house so easily?  Maybe someone you know?  You try to think, concentrating deeply... when all of a sudden: "oh cooky, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind HEY COOKY"... your phone.  You've received a text message:

sonelyfe888

It's from SoneLyfe888.  Before you left the fandom, you two used to be good friends, she even has a key to your house because "the Soshi bond is like family", that's what you both used to say to each other.  It must be her who did this... it certainly matches the threatening way that she's been talking on the forum lately, and you can't think of anyone else who it could be off the top of your head that could enter your house without a key.  She's the only one with a key, nobody else has a key, not even your boyfriend.  Now you understand what the gun is for - protection from crazy Sones who won't let you leave the fandom alive.  You race into the bedroom and drag the gun case and manual out from under the bed where you stashed it.  You open the case... the gun is there, but in several individual pieces.  Fuck - you're going to have to learn to put this thing together somehow.  You open the manual:

glok2

Confusing as shit.  Now seems like a good time to give your boyfriend a call, you could use some assistance.  Like almost all Korean guys, he used to be in the army, he should know what to do.  You dial his number.

"Hello."  He sounds less than impressed to hear your voice.

"I need your help!" you exclaim.

"This better not be an "identify the variety show appearance" game, I told you before that I don't want to hear about Girls' Generation..."

"No, it's not that... I need your help... technical help.  Do you know how to assemble a gun?"

"What?  Why do you need to know that?"

"Well, I have a gun but it's in..."

He cuts you off.  "YOU HAVE A GUN?"

"Yeah... the quitting service... the one you send me, they gave it to me when I joined.  But it's in pieces.  Can you help?"

A long silence.  Then your boyfriend speaks, his tone of voice completely different, much more sympathetic.

"Oh my god.  I'm so sorry.  You've started quitting and I didn't even know about it.  Why didn't you tell me?"

You start crying.  "But you said you didn't want to hear about anything about SNSD..."

"Hey, if it was THIS news I would have been okay with it!  I'm so sorry I haven't been there for you.  I'll come around straight away.  Why are you trying to get a gun assembled?  Is someone trying to kill you?"

"I don't know.  Maybe.  The fandom is crazy."

You talk some more on the phone and then he comes over, bringing tools and ammunition for the pistol.  He gives you a quick demonstration of how to load, unload and aim it, and mentions how proud of you he is that you've started quitting the Sone fandom.  You promise to try your hardest, as well as to carry the gun with you at all times.

"Why don't we go out tomorrow night for dinner?  We should celebrate your journey on the road back to sanity", he says, just before leaving.

It would be an insulting comment in any other circumstance, but in this case it fits, and deep down you know he's right.  "That would be lovely, I calmly accept", you say.

-

The next morning you're woken up earlier than usual, by a familiar sound: "oh cooky, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind HEY COOKY"... your phone is ringing.  It's TiffanyIMBF, one of the more sane members of the SNSD fandom.  You take the call.

"Hello?"

"Hi!  Look, I know you're quitting being a Sone and all that, but I just wanted to tell you something..."

"Sorry, I can't talk about SNSD.  I'm not allowed to."

"Oh, okay.  I'm sorry."

"It's okay.  It's not your fault, you didn't know.  I have strict rules I have to follow."

"Sorry to bother you."  TiffanyIMBF hangs up.

You're glad that she didn't push the issue or act nasty like SoneLyfe888, but you also wonder what it was that caused her to ring you.  Although she's nice on the forum, TiffanyIMBF doesn't ring you often, in fact hardly at all.  I guess it was something that meant a lot to her.  You browse the Internet over your morning coffee, and what she wanted to tell you becomes immediately clear as every site you visit is assaulted with demographically-targeted advertising that looks like this:

snsdmegacocnert

You check the official website and the first stop on the group's massive world tour is at a concert venue just down the road from where you live!  You can't miss this... but you don't want to get caught by that crazy SoneLyfe chick either.  You ring TiffanyIMBF back.

"OH MY GOD SNSD CONCERT!  IT'S RIGHT NEAR US!  Can you buy me tickets?"

"Sure.  You can't buy your own?"

"No, I'm not allowed.  Quitting rules... but if you buy tickets and meet me there, nobody will know.  I'll give you money when I see you."

"Okay, that's a deal.  Anything for a Sone!"

You hang up.  Hopefully you can get away with this.

-

On your lunch break at work, you check your phone for messages (it's on silent at work, so you don't hear "Cooky").  There are two messages from Sone Away Services:

invalid7

Your heart sinks.  Your phone calls are being tapped!  The two messages are only minutes apart from each other - what could have happened so quickly?  You take the rest of the day off work, and race home as fast as you can, to check on things.  Baekhyun meets you at the door, he still has his three remaining legs, much to your relief.  Drawing the gun, you wander from room to room - your house seems in good condition, no sign of any intruders.  After a while, you relax, and most of the afternoon goes by, when you look at your phone again.  You forgot to take it off silent, there's another message, this time from your boyfriend:

invalid10

You forgot all about this!  You get ready as quickly as you can and arrive at the restaurant somewhat late.  He seems pleased to see you, but nervous and jittery - a long way from the confident person you knew yesterday.

"What's wrong?" you ask him.  He responds by holding out his hand:

Johr

You gasp in shock.  "So what happened?  Who did this?"

"I honestly don't know.  I was at home, then I felt something hit me on my head and I went out cold.  When I woke up, this."

You're horrified.  How could this be happening?  Surely your ex-military boyfriend would have been sharper than this?  You decide to say nothing for now, but this can't continue.  The desire for revenge swells inside you.  In your mind, you begin to formulate a plan.

-

It's the day of the big concert.  You've been good - you've stayed away from everything Sone-related until today.  You're in the concert hall foyer, squeezed into a far corner amid the crowds, somewhere that you can get some relative privacy.  TiffanyIMBF is with you, having just collected your concert ticket money.  You've asked her to keep an eye out for SoneLyfe888 for you, although you haven't told her why.  You also have your phone with you, and your gun (the venue didn't search you very thoroughly).  You dial 080-SONE AWAY.

A recorded message begins.  "Thank you for dialling 080 Sone Away.  We're here to help you!  In just a few words, please state the nature of your enquiry."

"SoneLyfe888, I'm going to fucking kill you."

"Okay.  Putting you through now."

The recorded voice ends and another recording begins.  "Thank you for calling 080 Sone Away.  Your call is very important to us, so please be patient.  If this is an emergency, plea..."  The voice cuts out and an operator comes on the line.

"080 Sone Away, how can I help you?" asks a man with a thick Amero-Indian accent.

"Listen, cunt.  I'm on your program, and I'm at an SNSD concert!  I've got tickets!  I paid full price!"

"Sorry, to whom am I speaking?"

"SONELYFE888 I KNOW YOU'RE BEHIND THIS!  YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD!" you scream at the operator.

"Please do not get abusive at me, or I will have to terminate the call", the operator says.

"I'M COMING FOR YOU!" you scream.

"Sorry, goodbye" says the operator, as he terminates the call.  In the meantime, people have started staring at your weirdly.  You tried to pick a secluded space in the foyer but it's very crowded with SNSD fans, and they're all staring at you, the woman screaming at her phone.  You scowl back at their judging faces, looking for SoneLyfe888 in the crowds, when your concentration is broken by a tune: "oh cooky, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind HEY COOKY".  You've received a text message.

invalid888

You notice that TiffanyIMBF is looking at you especially weirdly.  She then starts running away, into the crowds.  You begin to chase her, but then you're pulled up by a force from behind you which is dragging you by the hair.

"Hi, slut."  The voice is instantly recognisable.  It's SoneLyfe888.  She must have heard your screaming and snuck up behind you.  How could you be so stupid?  Surprisingly strong for a 14 year old, she roughly drags you into the men's toilets and slams you up against the urinal, and then starts kicking you in the chest and stomach with her boots.

"You FUCKING BITCH SLUT CUNT WHORE!" she screams, landing a new kick to your ribs with each abusive epithet.  "You can NEVER leave the Sone fandom!  NEVER!  NEVER!  NEVER!"

You can feel your ribs cracking with each kick.  You reach inside your bag, attempting to find the gun, but it's too deep and you can't reach like this while being kicked.  Instead you find something thin and sheer, laminated... a photocard.  You hold it up.

"Signed photocard - look." you gasp, struggling for air.

SoneLyfe888 stops kicking you and looks at the photocard.  "Which one is that?"

You flick your wrist and fling the photocard over to the other side of the urinal.  SoneLyfe888 scampers over to pick it up and examines it.  After a few seconds she screams "FUCK YOU!  This is a JESSICUNT card!  You piece of SHIT!  NOBODY CARES ABOUT TRAITOR JESSICUNT, SHE'S EVEN MORE OF A TRAITOR THAN YOU ARE!"

SoneLyfe888 turns back to face you and administer more kickings, but the photocard throw was all the distraction you needed.  You've managed to somehow draw the gun in your bag and point it at her.  She sees it and stops, frozen in shock.

"This is for 080-Sone Away", you grimace.

"What?", says SoneLyfe888.

"And my dog.  And my boyfriend."

"What the fuck are you talking about, you stupid bitch?"

"Don't play dumb", you whimper.  It hurts to talk at normal volume.

"What?  WHAT?"  She's screaming at you with a combination of anger and confusion which seems all-too-real.  She's either a great actress, or you've fucked up somehow.  Who knows which, you really can't think straight right now, laying in a urinal with broken ribs about to end someone's life.  Oh well, she did threaten you, and she did try to kill you, regardless of how deep she is in any of the rest of it, so you figure that she deserves to die anyway.  You unload a dozen shots in her direction, just like your boyfriend showed you.  Only about three or four bullets actually hit, but it's enough - she slumps to the ground, motionless.

Gradually steadying yourself, you get up, and after about a minute you limp your way out of the toilets and back through the foyer.  Your chest is really hurting.  You become vaguely aware of the opening notes of Girls' Generation's "Mr. Mr." leaking through from the concert hall area, under the thin doors separating the foyer from the concert hall.  The entire foyer area is deserted - everyone present must be in the concert hall watching SNSD.  Just as well, probably nobody heard the gunshots.  You get halfway to the door and realise something - you're actually more excited to be alive than you are about SNSD playing in the next room from you.  Maybe you're cured after all, you think to yourself.  Then something hits you on the head, knocking you out cold.

-

You wake up.  You're lying down on a bench, in a room, with lots of clothes in it.  It looks like some kind of built-in wardrobe or dressing room.  Maybe you're backstage somewhere, you can hear SNSD somewhere in the distance, playing "Genie", it's thudding through the walls.  Your chest still really hurts, and now your head hurts too, you're in excruciating pain.  There's a girl in front of you.  She has brown hair and is holding your gun.  She's talking to another girl, with black hair and a beanie, who otherwise looks almost identical.  They're arguing about something.

wwwwaaaaaaaa

"Hey, I was paid a good contract for this.  You're not going to steal my money!" says the girl with the brown hair.

"I'm getting paid too!  Why should I give that up?" replies the girl with the black hair.

"How much?"

"$18000."

"Well, I'm getting $25000 from Sone Away, so fuck you, I'm not giving that up."

"Do you think that if we both shoot her at the same time, we can both claim our contracts?"

"We've only got one gun, which is hers.  Thoughtful of her to provide it, I was just going to smother her."

"Well, you've got the better contract.  What about if you kill her, and we split it?"

"Then I only get $12500, fuck that.  That's so shit for a job like this, there's so much risk involved.  Who is paying you and has the hide to only offer $18000?"

"Some girl on the internet, Sone Life or something."

"That's all she can do?  She must be brokesville.  Guess those Sones just spend all their income on merch all day.  I tell you what, team anti-Sone is loaded.  They even got their own call centre."

"SoneLyfe888 is dead", you groan, inadvertently spitting out blood in the process.  Both of the girls turn to look at you immediately.  They look like you've seen them before but you're not sure where from.

"Really?" the girl with the brown hair asks you.

You nod.  "I shot her in the men's toilet."

"That's her?  Fuck."  The brown-haired girl turns to the other girl.  "Well sis, looks like your contract is cancelled."

"Fuck.  That'd be right." the girl with the black hair sighs.

"Hey at least our decision is easy now.  I promise next contract, I'll leave it for you, okay?"

The black-haired girl sighs again.  "That's what you said last time."

"I mean it this time.  Look, can you dial 080 Sone Away for me while I take care of business?  I hate dealing with the call centre."  The brown-haired girl points the gun at you, while the other girl gets on the phone.  You're too broken to fight your impending death, you can't even stand, and it seems like it would be a good release at this point anyway.  You listen to the black-haired girl on the phone.

"Report a kill....  No, not KissMe, a KILL.   No, I said... I'm not a KissMe!  Oh fuck it... fucking machine, now I have to dial again."

"Just swear at the voice-detection thing, it'll put you straight through to a human." the brown haired girl offers.

"Really?"

"Yeah, it works.  They program that in on purpose.  If you're swearing at the machine, they figure you're angry about something, so you get the priority queue and you get seen to quicker.  A girl who worked there told me that trick."

"I'll try it."

"You'll still get the wrong area most likely, but you'll usually get the wrong area anyway.  The first centre is just a funneling service to all the other services, it's the second person who does the contracts."

The black-haired girl dials again.  "Fuck cunt shit faggot bitch...   Yes, I'd like to report a kill.  Okay, I'll wait... Yes, that's her...  is she what?  What do you mean is she dead?  I'm reporting a KILL!"

"Actually, she is still alive.", says the brown-haired girl.

The black-haired girl looks at you.  "Oh.  Yeah, she is alive actually.  Okay, now I feel stupid.  Guy on the phone... yeah sorry I was talking to someone else here... please hang on a moment."  The black-haired girl takes the gun off the other girl and quickly shoots you a few times in the stomach.  You don't even feel it at all, your whole body is overcome with a sense of numbness.  The girl who shot you then bends over and looks at you in the eye, prising your eyelids open slightly to check your consciousness level, and then gets back on the phone.  "Yeah, well she is now.   Do you do direct credit?"

You can feel yourself fading out of existence.  The voices of the girls on the phone drifts away, you become more conscious of the background, the cheers of the crowd muddled by the walls, the bass thump encore of "Into The New World" penetrating the tiny dressing room.  However the very last thing you hear is "oh cooky, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind HEY COOKY"... your phone's familiar SMS alert.  You've received a text message:

invalid3
sweetdsnsd2

[EXCLUSIVE] Interview with Fiestar Jei!

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Here at Antikpopfangirl, we pride ourselves on cutting edge journalism and truthful, unbiased reporting. We won't lie to you like Brian Williams and we certainly won't quit on you to go host a mainstream talk show like Stephen Colbert.

No, AKF readers, we're dedicated to being unironic champions of the One True Way to appreciate KPop and all things KPop-related -- with copious amounts of MS Paint dick pics, juvenile masturbatory jokes, and shameless cackling from the depths of our mothers' basements while our fingers are practically stained with the very integrity we hold so dear. Or Cheetos, it's been a long time since we've last washed our hands.

With that said, our reputation, like that of any notorious public figure on the Internet, has recently come under fire by a group of well-intentioned watchdogs dedicated to policing the content we put out despite their stated desire to ignore everything we do. Don't worry, folks, we've definitely taken notice and you shouldn't feel the need to hide yourselves like some KPop idols trying to donate to charity!

In order to clear the air and hopefully start taking a step in a direction we all can be proud of, I've taken the opportunity to call in some favors to schedule an interview with longtime reader Fiestar's Jei about life and AKF in order to show rather just tell you that we're just as great of a KPop site as any other. You can think of us like a click-baitless Koreaboo or an Allkpop with morals or a Netizenbuzz without the cesspool they call a comments section.

Proof shot of 100% authenticity.

Hi, Jei! Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk to us, I know idol life can be pretty crazy.

Of course! When I heard about the big "scandal" going on online about you, I was more than happy to speak to you guys. I've been such a long time fan, I just wanted to give back to the site that has meant so much to me throughout the years.

How long have you been a reader?

Since the very beginning! As I'm sure you and the other readers know all too well, trainee life is extremely limiting and often times downright oppressive. I knew I really wanted to be a singer because it's been one of my dreams, so that was just something I learned to accept and endure. But I won't lie, some of the articles you've written have really picked me up when I felt down or ready to quit.

Wow, that's awesome! Which articles have made the biggest impact on you, if you'd like to share?

I think Kpopalypse's Fashion Class article had one of the biggest takeaways for me. As a member of a nugu group just debuting, it's really hard to stand out from the members of your own group let alone the sea of idols out there. Fiestar had achieved middling success since our debut in  2012, but we were fast approaching the dreaded end of our 3-year grace period and I knew we had to do something different to turn things around.

Wait, "3-year grace period?"

Yeah, it's kind of an unspoken rule of thumb in the industry that if a group hasn't had any successful hits or any kind of notoriety within the first three years of their debut, they're pretty much never going to have any success. Many groups disband long before that, but for the bigger companies that can afford it, they usually only give you 3 years to make back their initial investment in you.

With that virtual Sword of Damocles hanging over our heads, I had to take things into my own hands. "One More" was a legitimately good song that all the members liked, and from the initial buzz flying around the blogosphere, netizen response was poised to be a great one. (Thanks for featuring us on your annual Best of List, by the way!) Unfortunately, the actual sales and Youtube hits were not looking as rosy as we had hoped they would be from the initial projections. It was then that Kpopalypse released his article and I knew we were doing something terribly wrong.


Our stylists had the right idea of using stripes to enhance our appeal, but they were going in the completely wrong direction and were of terrible width to do anything they were supposed to do. In fact, they were probably making us look like wide and fat whores like *name redacted for security concerns* Thankfully, I was able to convince the company to buy us new outfits for our promotional tours, and the rest was history.


That's an amazing story, and I'm glad everything worked out for you! Is it safe to say that you don't feel objectified or a target of misogeny here at AKF?

I think Kpopalypse put it best in his article about KPop boobs.
Just because we're appreciating boobs as objects for their aesthetics and treasured fap-value doesn't mean we're depreciating the worth of our beloved k-pop idols as human beings.  It's both technically possible and biologically inevitable for most people to be both a fully-rounded person AND a sexual object at the same time and if YOU think that's shameful or not right or impossible then that says a hell of a lot more about YOUR sexism, slut-shaming, virgin/whore complex and wanting to bend the will of others to your own narcissistic way of thinking than it does about anything that I believe.  Tsk tsk you fucking pseudo-feminist social-concern-trolling hypocrite.
If anything, I'm deeply flattered and thankful to even be noticed at all. Like I mentioned before, it's hard to get attention in this oversaturated market so I always feel blessed to even have a large number of fans who care enough about me and the group to take fancams or write articles on us. Look at EXID for instance, they were pretty unnoticed since their debut until Hani's fancam went viral! In fact, they were straightuphatedifNetizenbuzzwasanythingto go by. If Pharkil had been anything like the so-called PC-Police or Malay Warriors want people to be, we would have never gotten that fancam and who knows where EXID would be now.

I'm surprised people are making a big fuss about this. How many times have people complained that their super talented and super hot faves deserved more attention than they got before being forced to fade into obscurity? As they say in showbiz, any publicity is good publicity, and there's far worse fates out there than being appreciated for being attractive by the internet.

Do you think it's hypocritical of AKF to oppose these allegations?

Not at all. AKF is quite open about their love for various girls and body parts, to put it lightly. You don't make any attempt to call it something it's not. People who don't like that can go visit other sites instead, to be honest.

Actually, I think the same people whorun/supportsitesobjectifyingmaleidolsthesameexactway should take a long look in the mirror before casting stones from their glass houses.


What about the allegations that AKF is racist?

I don't think most of these people understand what racism actually is. I don't care what their so-called dictionary definitions say about what it means, anyone with an actual brain or original thought in their minds knows that racism is systematic and institutional. It's BOTH power and prejudice used by the majority to disadvantage the minority. You have to have institutional power to be racist. Minorities are not in a position of power in this country (or any country, that's why they call them minorities) to be racist.

Contrary to popular belief, the authors (yes, plural) are not white males in their late 20s or 30s writing from their basements. Over half are female, and most if not all are minorities or at least half-minority themselves. I may not be a writer or have full knowledge of the behind the scenes of running the website, but it doesn't take a linguistics expert to tell that each author is their own different person with their own unique personalities and opinions, and not just a schizophrenic fragment of Antikpopfangirl [the author and founder]'s personality. They can be prejudiced, but not racist.

So is AKF prejudiced?

 Yes and no. Everyone has prejudices or preconceived notions about race, culture, individuals, other countries, animals, sports, etc. Let's not pretend we're all saints, on one level of consciousness or other, we all have prejudices. It's normal. What's wrong is letting your prejudices stop you from making your own conclusions. I don't think AKF has ever made sweeping generalizations like people say you are. In fact, wouldn't you say the people blindly accusing AKF of these things are more prejudiced than you are? I mean most of the things being thrown around right now are clearly debunked in the FAQ.


And people still think Antikpopfangirl is run by one girl no less. If people took the time to actually stop and form their own opinions from more than a superficial skimming of the articles, they'd realize that much at least.

If AKF isn't racist or sexist, that only leaves homophobic then right?

To be quite honest, if people can't tell what the difference between satire and homophobia actually is, they probably shouldn't be on the Internet. If you've seen the truly vile things real homophobic people write and propagate on the Internet, you wouldn't be making those accusations about AKF.

Doesn't Zaku [a male author at AKF] get made fun of all the time for liking TOP or male idols a little too much for certain people to call normal?

What's your take on AKF and its place in the KPop blogosphere in general?

My understanding of AKF is that it's a site for people to express their opinions about KPop in a rational way. You all clearly know a great deal about the industry and the scene, why care so much about it if you hated it like some people claim? I think you're trying to make enjoyment of KPop a better thing rather than a back-and-forth war of fandoms or delusional insanity. You don't have to go very far to see how bad it can be out there.

If people don't like your opinions or writing style, they should just make their own blogs instead of sitting there on their computers complaining about it. Isn't that how you got your start in the first place? I heard Antikpopfangirl was dissatisfied with the way T-ara Diadem was being run, so he made this blog to talk about T-ara and KPop the way he and anyone else wanted.

That's exactly right!

See? There's an example of putting your money where your mouth is, so to speak. At any rate, I think you're all doing a fine job. In a world where the 3 biggest KPop news sites are full of sensationalism, click-bait, and petty immoral tactics, I don't see how AKF can be any worse.

You know, we get compared to AsianJunkie or Netizenbuzz pretty often.

Is that so? I don't see why. Netizenbuzz is a straight up translation site for netizen comments, as if anyone cared what a bunch of random people on the equivalent of Yahoo! News or Youtube comments cares about anything.

I can see why people make the AsianJunkie comparison though, you both cover KPop news with a similar irreverent tongue-in-cheek humor style. But at least there aren't a ton of ads all over AKF.

Thank you again for agreeing to do this interview with us!

No problem, it was my privilege.

Do you have any last words or thoughts you'd like to share with our readers?

I'd like to thank all of my fans for loving me and giving me their support to this day, and I hope they will give as much love to Antikpopfangirl as they do me! Always keep the FISH!

If you don't agree with my opinions or those of Antikpopfangirl, well...

The Best of the Worst: Feb. 12, 2015

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Welcome back, friends, to the bullshit that never ends. We're back to bring you the latest, the greatest, the most important kpop news of the week. We've got another plagiarism accusation, an idol who likes it when girls fart, and troublemaker Gayoon.


Miss February in the Bad Girls of Kpop Calendar

  • Due to the popularity of "Up & Down," EXID's company now lets them eat dessert. "You girls saved yourselves from joblessness and finally won on a music show, so here's a couple extra dollars for dinner. You've earned it."

Thanks to fellow author Zaku for his glowing recommendation of this link.


Han Ye Seul Models For Elle

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I have no idea which brand she's modeling for, but all I know is that as one of the many followers of Yeseulogy, this photo shoot will help me fap to her as she looks great.



You know how hot Han Ye Seul is when I would consider sucking Teddy's dick to slurp Han Ye Seul's pussy juices off of it. At the very least, I would let Han Ye Seul and Han Hye Jin double peg me.


1deep9u: Sohyunna's guide to the arthouse in K-Pop

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K-Pop is a simple enough thing to define, it is pop music in the Korean language; simple enough, right? Arthouse has no such luck, often being used as a catch-all term for anything without any explosions, in a foreign language, made for under £4, or completely incomprehensible. K-Pop music videos are usually simple to understand and very high budget, but I have chosen to explore the MVs which are more similar to Michael Haneke than Michael Bay. At least, that's what I will say but it is more than likely (read: absolutely certain) that these actually aren't arthouse at all and I am just posting them for a few cheap laughs. Either way, I will be looking at, as yet, an undecided number of videos and telling you why they should be screened in smoky picture, houses and analysed by turtleneck wearers for years to come, along with the arthouse directors who they mirror the most.





'Doom Dada' (TOP)

'Doom Dada' being in this post was an inevitability. Upon its release, it had eager tumblr users questioning 'WHAT DOES IT MEAN?' and was generally seen to be a good thing. I think that 'Doom Dada' is a great song with a great video too but I am a pretentious hipster so it was probably aimed at me. You probably don't need convincing that this is the most arthouse of K-Pop videos, but fuck you Imma tell you why. First things first, TOP starts in the same position as his Turn It Up MV, this connection across MVs is clearly a sign of auteurship; something which the arthouse circuit loves to death. In this, we can liken 'Doom Dada' to the films of any auteur so I will pick one at random and say that it harks back to the works of Satyajit Ray. Furthermore, we have artistic references up the dick in 'Doom Dada', not only does the title make reference to the anti-art movement 'Dadaism' but TOP clearly wants to fellate Salvador Dali with the amount of Dali imagery and moustache flaunting throughout the MV.

The Official Pimp

This video was basically trying to tick all the boxes to ensure that it would be questioned, for years to come, and celebrated by Mark Kermode: the shit with the monkeys is drawing on Kubrick, the motorcycle section is making a reference to The Good, The Bad, and The Weird, the entire thing is shot in black and white which is artsy as fuck, there is an unexplained zebra, and the entire shit with taking the baby through the woods is probably some Freudian metaphor, but I ain't gonna back that claim up with any research or effort so take my word for it. Now of course 'Doom Dada' is setting a benchmark and nothing else in this post will reach its levels in how explicitly arthouse and referential it is, but...here is where it gets more interesting.



'Bloom' (Gain)

The arthouse would be nowhere without films about sexual discovery, and the niche sexual discovery genre of K-Pop would be nowhere without K-Pop's very own sex pixie: Gain! 'Bloom' is longer than it needs to be due to its 2 minute prologue which means that it is already well on its way to being reviewed in Sight & Sound. Not only that, but the entire thing is about SEX! Learn this dear reader: if there is a sex scene with anything other than sonorous classical music playing in the background, it is probably not from an arthouse film, but if you make an entire film about sex then you have instantly become the darling of every bearded cinephile in the world. Pat yourself on the back. The fact that there is a masturbation scene is a bonus because masturbation only occurs in foreign cinema and porn: truth. The fact that 'Bloom' is rather long, for what it is, whilst being about an incredibly attractive person with dyed hair and sexual discovery has me comparing it to Blue is the Warmest Colour which makes me think that 'Bloom' is equally, if not more, deserving of winning the Palme d'Or because it has been so incredibly influential in allowing this to happen:


Nothing that brings us that can ever be a bad thing. However, as is always the case; the remake just wasn't as classy or beloved as the original. We can all still get a kick out of it though.





Multiple other shit that Gain has been involved with

I could do a lengthy post for each one, but it would probably get quite boring quite fast (not that it isn't boring already). Gain's repertoire, both as a solo artist and a member of Brown Eyed Girls, probably has her winning a fellowship from the Film Critics' Circle of Romania or something. '

'Abracadabra' is the kind of high-octane revenge story that one would expect to see in The Vengeance Trilogy (though admittedly with far less blood to ensure it gets past the censors), 'Fxxk You' is clearly pushing boundaries, in its allusion to an expletive in a foreign language *shocked gasp*, whilst also showing many artsy shots of domestic and sexual abuse - which, I guess, makes it like Irreversible.

This time, preferring to take on a more lighter tone, 'Truth or Dare 'satirises the very industry that Gain is a part of, interspersing the overtly sexual and box-based MV shots with Gain's friends talking smack about her because she is so much hotter than them and they are jealous. Also she smells and has cooties. In all honesty, 'Truth or Dare' has a pretty dope music video, which is helped by Gain existing and talking about her arse and at points it raised a knowing chuckle, a raised eyebrow, and a sip of brandy because the satire is so high-brow. If I had to liken it to anything (which I have committed myself to doing now) I would say it is like The Player (which probably isn't arthouse but fuck you). These videos show that whilst 'Doom Dada' is the most artsy single video, no-one holds a candle to the artsiness of Gain's entire oeuvre.


Please Don't (K.,Will)

In some circles, 'Please Don't' has a plot twist as infamous as 'The Sixth Sense', that's right; K.Will is a ghost! 'Please Don't' is a music video where those who show it to their friends refuse to answer any questions about why we are watching it/who the fuck K.Will is/whether or not they know how to get in contact with Dasom. 'Please Don't' is the type of arthouse that everyone simultaneously knows about and understands, with a twist that we all toyed with in our minds yet it was still surprising when the penny dropped.

Even if you don't give a fuck about K.Will, you know about 'Please Don't', the song itself has a moderate amount of appeal considering that it is a solo male singer who never shows their face (that's when you know they were hired for vocal wankery), and most people couldn't recite its basic tune. 'Please Don't' is more of a video than a song because the video has a plot that is worth a damn (and the song has maybe 2 notes that are worth a damn). This is the arthouse that would be added as an afterthought on the Best Picture nominee list to show that the Academy definitely knows and cares about the indie scene. I don't know what film this is like... Let's say Melancholia because both have a wedding and the bride gets a kinda shitty deal.

The Day Before (Nell)

Continuing the trend of songs which are bad, but have interesting videos, we have this snorefest from Nell (who?) which is so tedious that I couldn't remember the song title between watching the video and switching tabs to write about it here. Whilst 'Please Don't' was rather melodramatic and operatic in its style, 'The Day Before' is far more similar to a British indie film in that you feel that were it to have dialogue, it would be comprised solely of mumbled apologies. 'The Day Before' is rather similar to 'Please Don't' in terms of its themes and the fact that it has a twist ending; however, the latter is so serene and submissive that you don't expect there to be a twist even if you know what the twist is. I think it is a pretty good video and will watch it every so often but every time I am sure it will just be about 2 geezers sitting down for a cup of coffee with no consequences. 'The Day Before' is so apologetic and non-confrontational that it disappears like Bob Girls debuting when AOA released Short Hair. You know that it was worth your while, but forget what it was exactly; rather like the British indie film that no-one remembers: Lilting.



'1004' (B.A.P)

Just in case you thought our narratives were getting too tangible, the most litigious idols in K-Pop come along with a Lynchian video about the passing of time in which each member seems embroiled in their own narrative. Bang Yongguk digs for food to give to the third world, Zelo references 'Heavy Rain' by putting someone on a carousel and never getting them back, Himchan looks desperately around a house for nothing in particular, Jongup finds some wings which clearly mean something, but the audience doesn't care what, and the other two members kinda fuck about.

There are numerous fan theories as to what this video is on about and I don't particularly care to retell any of them - I could come up with my own if I watched hard enough and asked myself why Bang Yongguk was digging under a whale skeleton, but I would rather not bother myself with such pointless shit. However, while we are talking about this, what the fuck does "1004" even mean? The subtitle is 'angel' which seems to be wholly unconnected to a number that TS pulled out of their arse. Even though I can't make heads nor tails of it, '1004' is very appealing and something tells me that it is good, but I couldn't tell you why, because of that it can clearly be likened to Inland Empire.

'Mama Beat' (LC9)

Wouldn't ya know it, Gain has featured in another song in this post. This time she just provides an irrelevant and pointless chorus to Nega nugus LC9's debut. Whilst the arthouse circuit loves sexual awakening and intangible narratives as much as anyone, it is also partial to a good ol' fashioned 'bout of hyperviolence. Think about it, would Tarantino's films be considered nearly as good if they had been directed by anyone else? With that moderately irrelevant question in mind, let's talk about 'Mama Beat' which has a video comprised solely of the members beating each other up with shitty blood effects (they will claim that it is ironically bad for the sake of art). Not much else to say about that really, it doesn't bear any analysis or exploration, it is just some rad fight scenes, but because the violence is at such a high level, it transcends low-brow entertainment and becomes high-brow. Also one of the members possibly beat someone up so this video taught them bad things. Whilst it is not quite as extreme, since I am using this as an example of hyperviolence I will say that it is reminiscent of Ichi the Killer.

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And so we reach the end of this post. In all likelihood I will post a follow-up at some point in the future but I hope I have shown to you the #deep and #edgy side of K-Pop, the side that causes a stir at Sundance, that gets most of its publicity from word-of-mouth, that gets positive reviews whilst ther eviewer is hard-pressed to recall a single element of the plot. I am willing to see the arthouse potential in any K-Pop video so the next arthouse outing will likely be the unexpected arthouse in K-Pop. If you want to send death threats or complaints about how this article was a personal attack against your family then I'm not that hard to find but until that point, goodnight sweet prince. Appreciate K-Pop not as mere bubblegum pop but as Art.

Kpopalypse's netizen comment history and netizen comment translation tool

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Everyone's jumping on board the netizen comment translating trend lately, and as I've been learning a little Korean lately some people have asked me if I might ever consider or be interested in doing the same.  Never one to forsake a good bandwagon, Kpopalypse is now here to answer two pertinent questions:
  1. What's with the explosion in netizen comment translating happening lately?
  2. Will Kpopalypse ever enter the tough and competitive field of translating netizen comments, and if so, which ones?
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Come on a journey now with Kpopalypse into the wonderful world of translating netizen comments!

To answer the first question, we're going to need to delve into...

A SHORT AND PROBABLY WILDLY INACCURATE AND WORTHLESS ANCIENT HISTORY OF NETIZEN COMMENT TRANSLATIONS FOR PEOPLE WHO WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M EVEN TALKING ABOUT


Netizen (Internet citizen) comments on k-pop articles were always a feature of k-pop press releases as long as k-pop and the Internet existed, where the press-release writers often added a few comments at the bottom of each article from internet users to give a general feel for what the public was thinking about whatever the subject of the article was (example here).  These comments were included because the Korean entertainment industry isn't mature and smart enough to say "fuck what some random idiots think" and therefore actually do base a lot of their business decisions on netizen comment.  However the comments included in the articles themselves weren't usually real but just paraphrased versions of what netizens were saying, and sometimes completely inaccurate because often these "news" articles weren't really bona-fide news anyway but just press released paid for by the k-pop companies given straight to the media outlets who would post them up as "news articles" for a fee, so they're not going to put anything up there that makes their investment (idols) look too bad.

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With the rise of k-pop globally, these articles would get translated to English, with the fake netizen comments intact.  The continual supply of fake or paraphrased comments in articles naturally created a demand from people to read the real netizen comments.

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The first site I was aware of that catered to this growing audience was Netizenbuzz, which translated the actual Korean netizen comments (generally a mixture of worthless moronic cyberbullying, shallow surface-level cynicism and laughable kindergarten-level detective work) into English.  Now English-speaking fans didn't have to take the word of the press releases, they could go to Netizenbuzz and get the "real deal".  Young and impressionable English-speaking fans bred on cruel "reality" TV and Internet culture that celebrates the loudest and dumbest saw the bone-headed Korean hive-mind laid bare, mostly thought it was fantastic and copied the Koreans' thoughts and ideas down to the letter, spreading the (lack-of)-thought-cancer outward to their own fandoms.

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However not all k-pop fans liked the translations.  A lot of people weren't very happy with the way Netizenbuzz did comment translation, and as the only well-known published English source of such translations, there were no alternative sources.  K-pop followers often found their favourite groups were neglected just because they weren't popular enough with Korean netizens for Netizenbuzz to bother translating their articles.  Even worse, fans of certain groups found that they had been negatively editorialised...

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...while other groups more favoured by the author received preferential editorial treatment.

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For all the site's faults, Netizenbuzz (which I generally will link) still did/does a far better job of bringing news to k-pop fans than the likes of Allkpop (which I generally won't link) but nevertheless this selective process and lack of impartiality which Netizenbuzz has never convincingly addressed to my knowledge has caused many readers to redirect their attentions.  Other k-pop comment translating sites such as K-pop K-fans, didn't contain the same biases and thus were willing to go places that Netizenbuzz would not, redressing the balance of opinion to some degree.

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A myriad of other smaller sites also sprung up, devoted to seeking out and translating comments on articles about individual groups and catering to those groups' fandoms.  Now everybody had their own little pocket version of Netizenbuzz with only positive (and dull - unless you're a fan) comments geared just towards them.

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The problem with all this rabid translating everywhere is that the increased focus on netizen comments means that those comments are now being given even more unjustified importance than previously, and this focus isn't just limited to Korea any more.  Therefore when new scandals arise, fans reading comment sites still fall into the same old patterns of believing anything they read as long as it fits what seems likely inside their own bias-fuelled heads, and rumour-mongers now have more power to wreck the careers of completely innocent people not just in Korea but internationally with little more than some imagination and some Photoshop editing.

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The hive-mind effect is so extreme than even when ironclad evidence of fabricated charges emerges, people are unwilling to come around to the truth.  This is a well-known psychological phenomenon - research shows that people who believe in lies tend to strengthen their belief in the lie when they are proven wrong.  Once someone is heavily invested in a lie, it's humiliating for them to admit that they spent time and energy believing in falsehood - it's psychologically less painful to just keep believing whatever they believed before than to accept new contradictory information, especially if the new information is true.  Even more strangely, if the person believing in the lie is intelligent, convincing them of the truth is even more difficult, as intelligent people are better at rationalising their pre-existing beliefs!

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So what's the solution?  Welcome to:

KPOPALYPSE'S NETIZEN COMMENT TRANSLATION TOOL


I'm too lazy to translate comments, but due to the magic of a few friends with some website coding smarts, I've recently developed a netizen comment translation tool which takes all the hard work out of comment translation.  The coding for it is apparently super-special and the results given are much more accurate than Google Translate or other such sites, and it works for all Korean netizen comments.  Here's how the tool works:
  1. Find a netizen comment
  2. Highlight it with your mouse pointer and press CTRL+C
  3. Click the button below
  4. Press CTRL+V
  5. Click the second button that appears
  6. Marvel at the magic of modern translation technology
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Now you have (hopefully) a perfect netizen translation!  However if not, please report any bugs to me by commenting below, and we'll work to refine the tool so it works better for the future.  The tool is in its infancy so we're always looking at ways to refine the code.  Thanks for reading and Kpopalypse will be back soon!

eunjungqua

My Day at AKF HQ (Mum's basement)

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It’s just an ordinary day here at Anti Kpop-Fangirl Headquarters (aka Mum’s basement), or at least it seems like it.


I wake up to see the face of my beloved Han Ye Seul lying in bed next to me. I kiss her on the lips, making sure to avoid the multiple jizz stains on her face. I pick up my Han Ye Seul humping pillow before tossing it into my wardrobe along with my collection of other pillows. I look at the clock. 9.30 am, so it’s still a bit early. Maybe I’ll get an extra fap in before I start my daily schedule. I check /r/kpopfap for the latest Dahye ass closeups and Krystal nude fakes.

Less than a minute later, I wipe myself of the semen and tears, then reach under my bed and rummage through the pile of crusty towels, until I finally manage to find my phone. I press 2 on speed dial. In three seconds a thin unmanly voice answers. “H-h-h-hello?” it stutters like a little bitch.

“Hey faggot, go upload some more pictures on your Instagram. I expect it done in the next half-hour,” I tell him.

“B-but you told me you would let me out of this! The deal was that I would help you once in exchange for not r-r-ripping up my TOP poster!” he protests.


“I don’t give a fuck about your faggoty feelings, I need to keep up appearances. If it looks like at least one author is uploading selfies regularly, no one will suspect all of the AKF authors to be just one person.” I chuckle a little at the thought of tricking all those people with my ingenious plan of writing with 15 different styles and personas. “Remember, I have connections in Korea. If you don't do as I say, your precious blue-haired bias might not be still alive by the end of the week,” I say as I hang up.

It always amuses me how easily manipulated VIPs are, especially the gay ones. Perhaps it shouldn't be surprising because they're blind sheep consumers who will instantly buy any crap, with the YG seal of approval on it. That Yang Hyun Suk is the spawn of all evil in kpop. And he looks like a frog.

I boot up my old 1999 computer, then I start logging in and out of my dozens of social networking accounts, reblogging and liking everything that fits with my oppressive ideologies. I send tweets between these accounts to make sure the whole multiple authors thing looks real. I answer all 244 questions on my Kpopalypse ask.fm account. Only two death threats from Yura fans today.

I come across a thread about Fantastic Baby overtaking Gee. Outraged by the Feminazis manipulating the view counts to further their misandric agenda, I comment telling those deluded fangirls how small their oppas’ Asian dicks are, and how gay it is for them to take off their shirts. I also make them aware of how they objectify men and facilitate the matriarchy by watching this MV. It disgusts me how anyone could judge and compare men for their looks. I pull down my fedora to cover my eyes from the filth on the computer screen.

Onto my blogging. I quickly put together a hilarious masterpiece of an article advocating the burning of UCAADs, complete with MS Paint dicks drawn with such artistic brilliance that it makes Van Gogh look like the Attack of Bad Fanart. I chortle at my own witty jokes in the article. What an edgy and original blogger I am. I ponder over which of my 15 accounts I should use to post this article. Hey I know, I’m feeling particularly misogynistic today so I’ll use the Shinbi account. Nothing beats indulging in my gender-bender fantasies by pretending to be a woman who loves to hate other women so that women can hate me for hating other women.

After posting, I immediately refresh the page multiple times and eagerly await for a SJW to fall into my trap by commenting. The first sucker to moan about how I should stop using racial slurs gets laughed out of the comments section by all my fellow white friends. Not that anyone would have listened to the words of a dirty minority anyway.

That’s everything that needs to be done out of the way. Now to eat chicken casserole and fap for the rest of the day. Mum better have made that casserole before going to work, that lazy cunt.


As I lie fapping on my bed, revelling in all the power and glory of my straight white able-bodied cis male privilege, I hear a noise from above the basement ceiling. I pause my stroking, the seed from my ruined orgasm dribbling onto my stomach, but I’m too startled and alert to care. “Who’s there?” No one answers. It can’t be Mom, she’s already at work.

A cold sweat runs down my neckbeard. I hear something again - a loud thump near the basement entrance. Still naked, I jump out of bed and grab the nearest thing I can find to use as a weapon, a confederate flag lying strewn among the mess on my floor. I stand as far away from the door as I can, my heart pounding through my saggy moobs. It’s so quiet that I can almost hear the Cheeto crumbs falling from my hands, wrapped tightly around the flagpole, as I quiver in fear.

“Are you Anti Kpop-Fangirl, the blogger?” a voice, deep and powerful with an inflection that speaks of equality and justice, booms from behind the door. “I’ve read your recent posts. I’m here to deal with you and put an end to that cesspool you call a blog.”

Before this point in my life, never had I understood what it feels like to be a victim. “Leave me alone!” I cry out at my tormenter. “Stop oppressing me! I promise not to make such hateful blog posts any more! I acknowledge that I’m privileged, so please don't kill me!”

“Kill you?” He sounds confused. “What made you think I would do that? You don't realize who I am, do you?”

I don’t say anything. I have no idea what this stranger is talking about. The door cracks open, agonizingly slowly, inch by inch, until a silhouette of a tall figure is revealed. “It’s been a very long time since we last met,” he says. He steps into the basement light.

A sharp-faced middle aged man, in an expensive looking suit and wearing a large silver watch, enters. He looks to be in his fifties, fit for his age. A few gray hairs line his head of dark hair. There’s something… familiar looking about him, but I can't quite place it. Do I know him? It doesn't seem implausible that I would forget everyone I know, when I haven't been outside the house in months.

“Wow, you look like shit. You really are fugly and gross, just as they described you,” he spits out, his words echoing across the basement walls. He stares at me in disdain. “You've brought me nothing but shame.”

“What do you mean?” I ask him

“I'm a regular on the OneHallyu forums. You might recognize the username JYPisMyBitch9978.” I remember the name from my occasional trolling on the forums, although I haven't had much direct involvement with him. “Anyway, I was urged by the other users to personally visit you and ensure the closing of your crappy blog.”

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“But why you? And how did you know where I live?”

He laughs dryly. “Have you forgotten me? I guess it’s been over twenty years. I don't really like saying this to a piece of shit like you, but,” he sighs, “I'm your father.”

I'm at a loss for words. I only vaguely remember him, but this is very definitely my dad. Fond memories of playing football (akisame: the British kind, not that crappy thing you Americans call "American Football" - rugby is even a better sport than that schmuck) with him in the park flood my mind. That was so long ago now. I don't know whether to be angry at him for leaving or to feel happy to see him again.

“I can't believe how you've let yourself go,” he says, looking me over. “When you were a kid, you were the champion of the playground. Now you're just a loser cry-fapping to girls way out of your league that you'll never even get to meet in your life. I don't remember raising you like this.”

“That’s because you didn't raise me, you abandon-”

“Shut the fuck up!” he shouts, spittle flying in my face. “I’m your father, and I’m telling you to take your pathetic blog down so all the OH users stop bitching at me. You’re the one spouting all that garbage like a coward from behind your computer screen and I'm the one who gets all the shit from everyone. How do you think that makes me feel?”

“But… but AKF is my life! What would I do without it? I would explode if I was to bottle up all my feelings about kpop idols inside myself.” Dad isn't even looking at me. “Hey, are you paying attention?”

“That’s a very pretty girl,” he says menacingly, looking at the idol poster hanging on my wall. “Jessica, wasn't it? It would be a shame if that poster was removed from your fap-dungeon, the same way she was removed from SNSD.”


“Don't you dare! I had to work really hard to steal Mom’s credit card for that poster,” I wail. “You can take anything else, just please not her.”

“You really are scum. Even though I hate your mother now, it makes me sick how a grown man leeches off her like you do. I was right, she should have got an abortion.” He looks around the room. “So I can have anything else, huh? What about those photocards you've got there?” He pauses to think for a moment. “If you have a good one, we can come to a compromise. You can keep your blog as long as you tone down your homophobia, racism and misogyny. Oh, and let’s not forget your fatphobia, that poor Suzy girl.”

I begrudgingly hand one photocard over to him. “Amber? Fuck you, I'm not accepting that. Just give me all of them except that one if you're going to try to be clever with me.” After taking the whole collection from my hands, he starts heading towards the door. “Just behave yourself, son. I'll be watching you. And remember that I have connections too.”

I feel relief as I hear the front door close and I'm sure that my dad has left. I collapse onto my bed. I cuddle my Han Hye Jin pillow tight and cry into her chest before fapping myself to sleep.


So yeah, from now on I'll have to write more politically correct articles on this site, or at least until I can ensure the safety of my Jessica poster.

HAPPY 15 MILLION VIEWS!

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It may come as a surprise to you recent influx of readers from various locales and states of asspainery, but we've managed to cross the 15 million view threshold!! 


After nearly 4 years of trolling, racism, sexism, sensationalism, slander, MS paint dick painting, cultural appropriation, objectifying women, homophobia, clickbaitery, and overall degeneracy, we've managed to stumble on the winning formula to keep dragging your eyeballs here on a daily basis. Whether you're here to fap, troll, or god forbid, actually discuss KPop without being crucified as a heretic, we here at Antikpopfangirl wish to sincerely thank you for all of your attention throughout the years.

We literally would not be here today without your continued support and loyal (somewhat) readership, and I can hardly believe all the wonderful things that we've accomplished. From our humble beginnings to reaching mainstream status when people actually wanted us to go to KCON, it's been a wild ride. I can't tell you how much hate mail we've gotten over the years, but every time someone tells us something like "Thanks to AKF, I realized how childish and delusional I was being in regards to my KPop," we know the world has become a (very very very) slightly better place. That or it's become a shittier one because we've converted another person into buying our twisted rhetoric of women-beating and racial oppression.

If only we monetized the site all this time...

Here's to the next milestone!

The Best of the Worst: Feb. 19, 2015

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It's that time again: 



Yes, Sports Chosun released its latest girl group ranking. There's some big changes from last year, like the meteoric rise of AOA and Hani EXID. But fear not, friends, some things remain the same: T-ara is still getting the shaft as they stay mired in shit tier, aka the "Popular Maginot Line."


Soyeon demonstrates how high she thinks T-ara should rank.

And it loves her right back. DAMN, gurl.

Kpopalypse Fashion Class - school uniforms

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It's coming up to Seoul Fashion Week yet again, so that's a good excuse as any other for another episode of Kpopalypse Fashion Class!

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We all know how fashion articles on other k-pop sites usually go - inaneboringlight-on-contentlist-postclickbaitbullshit.  Instead, why not experience a fashion article that has actual information in it and experience what many other k-pop websites could potentially be like if they stopped catering to 12-year old fuckwads?  Also as a bonus, you can either perv on the pictures of hot k-pop girls, or learn how to look like a hot k-pop girl worth perving on by others!  Could this post be any more perfect?  Read on and find out!

School uniforms, as covered previously in my writing, is classic "white-coater" territory.  To naive prudish types the school uniform might symbolise diligence, hard work and obedience, whereas to in-the-know perverts it's a goldmine of fap.  No need to take my word for it - it's well known that the school girl uniform is the most common dress-up fetish, and better essays than mine have spoken at length about the reasons why.

Is the school uniform fetish a bad thing?  No, of course not - all you politically-correct cuntholes clamping down on any human activity that is fun and interesting in the name of your own moral showboating would do well to remember that many women like fetish-wear and in fact find it empowering.  Studies have in fact shown that:
females consume fetish fashions because doing so allows them to experience more positive self evaluations, and that over time these positive evaluations result in sexual empowerment in the form of increased control over sensual experience and sexual self presentation
So since school uniform fap-wear is clearly an empowering force for good, Kpopalypse is now going to show women how they can "take the power back" by looking hot, with k-pop examples!

School uniform fetishism comes from the Catholic schoolgirl tradition and is based on the idea that girls are forced to act prim and proper, thus enabling their repressed sluttiness underneath the surface.  Therefore keeping styles conservative enough to evoke this sexually oppressive tradition is a must.  The first important point is to select appropriate colours.

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IU's schoolgirl combo looks good but doesn't tap its full potential due to the gaudy pink stripe down the middle.  There's no way you can get away with shit like that in the super-strict school settings that schoolgirl uniform fetishism is based upon, and as a result the fourth wall of fap is broken.

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Apink's Naeun doesn't get it right either.  I don't recall "carrot-encrusted puke" as an official school uniform colour in any school in my immediate vicinity.  The less unusual and more traditional the colours picked, the better.

WGschool

This leads into our next point, which is "girlishness quota".  That pink thing in the front of this Wonder Girls line-up is not acceptable school attire (although the clothes behind all meet required standards) - you would get stabbed in the throat by sexy iljin bully girls for wearing something like that at my old school, which isn't as appealing a death as it sounds.  Not only is the colour wrong but there's no reason to play up the girlishness - school uniforms are based upon tough manly military dress as they were designed to have a similar disciplinary effect on the psyches of young ratbaggish students.  Prissy pink dress-style uniforms on girls therefore may look objectively appealing but don't cut the mustard for schoolgirl fap purposes.

syeonschool

T-ara has always been a group squarely aimed at helping men fap (hence all the hate they get from fangirls) and T-ara's Soyeon gets the girlishness quota right here, pushing the femininity to about the maximum allowable limit before the schoolgirl concept breaks.  Your mileage may vary - as a general rule, broad-shouldered girls or girls with less boobs can amp up the girlish accessorising further than those with slimmer or bustier figures while retaining the schoolgirl effect.  Another example from the same photoshoot illustrates this:

hyominscho

T-ara's Hyomin already looks very girly right from the outset so she can get away with less fancy girly accoutrements while keeping the schoolgirl image intact.  As a seasoned clothes-designer Hyomin knows this so her accessorising here is more minimal and designed to "masculinise" her image and drag her back into the schoolgirl fap zone.  Put Soyeon's flower tie and hair accessory on Hyomin instead and suddenly she's not looking like a schoolgirl anymore.

boramschool

T-ara don't always get it right though, and this leads us to our third aspect of schoolgirl fetish which is dress length.  Boram's dress here is obviously deliberately retro and designed to take the listener back to the days before Korea discovered democracy and fap, and with that dress length Boram looks more like my mum than ever in this picture.  My mother even owned an identical leather school briefcase back in her school days, which just goes to show how accurately they nailed the historic look in this photoshoot, but when people think of schoolgirls in a fetish sense they definitely don't mean this look.

imskirt 
However it's also possible to go too far in the other direction.  As the schoolgirl look has been co-opted by the sex industry, having too short a skirt will make you look more like a hooker, shown in the above photo which is less of a school uniform dress, and more of a belt with frills.  Of course looking like a whore is not necessarily a bad thing because whores are excellent, but it also means that you're not technically looking like a schoolgirl anymore and thus the reservoir of sex appeal and fap value that schoolgirl-fetish can tap into is somewhat harder to access despite the extra flesh being shown.

hyunaschool

Hyuna demonstrates about the right minimum length here, however the frills underneath are unfortunate - it's better to have a clear sense of where the skirt starts and ends, because guys are dumb and easily confused, especially when fapping.

davichischool

Davichi's Minkyung shows a superior styling of the same skirt length, and demonstrates why she is hated by all crazy fangirls everywhere.  Note that Hyuna and Minkyung are rocking lots of curve which brings us to our next area of interest, upper-body styling.

apinkschool

Nobody in Apink is really that well-endowed but they certainly are using the school uniform to good effect here, which is exactly what I'd expect from k-pop's reigning queens of the white-coater concept.  Snugly-fitting white shirts can make just about anybody look busty, and the black ties just add to the effect by providing contrast.

snsdschool

School uniforms also provide the opportunity for layering which is also a proven volume enhancer, although if you layer the same way that everybody else does, you may not be able to compete with bustier competition.  The above photoshoot's angles have been carefully planned so Sunny doesn't dominate, but in the real world you won't have this advantage.

snsdschool2


Diversification is the solution.  You don't want someone you've got your eye on to preference somebody else just because of a simple boobs A-B comparison test.  If you want to make it harder for them to marginalise you, utilise unique layering that maximises your assets.  Things to keep in mind:


apink-2

More lines is better than less.  As discussed previously on Kpopalypse Fashion Class, a straight line accentuates whatever curve it's up against.  Note how the Apink girls above who come off as bustiest are the ones with more trim on their clothing.

taragroupschool

Unless you're playing with an advantage, don't unbutton the shirt.  It may seem paradoxical, but the higher the neckline, the more bustiness is generated.  T-ara keep the clothing tight around their necks in the above picture and the result is enhanced volume.  Only undo buttons if you're already ahead of the pack and are able to rock some significant cleavage.

asschool

Not enough lines can look plain, but too much detail can also be confusing.  After School demonstrate a wide variety of styles here, some that work and some that do not.  You can actually tell who is styled poorly here by their facial expressions.

girlsdayschooly

The final aspect is what to put on feet, and the answer is not to leave them bare but utilise dark and high socks or stockings.  This will give your thighs maximum contrast against your shins/feet and your skirt and bring each element forward.  Consider the options modelled by Girl's Day above to be the bare minimum for enhanced leg hotness.

begsocks

Brown Eyed Girls demonstrate the ideal situation - socks or stockings that cut off just above the knee.  This gives the same effect as stockings and suspenders but nobody would wear stockings and suspenders to school unless they were a mega whore, and while dressing like a whore is excellent and strongly encouraged by Kpopalypse, it's also qualitatively different to dressing like a schoolgirl, and if we're going for a schoolgirl look it's importnat not to break the fourth wall of fap.  Note how the horizontal lines give extra width to their legs.

A few final points for advanced players:

cpschool

Crayon Pop's iconic tracksuit/school uniform combo is only recommended for skilled practitioners of school uniform fap enhancement with enough confidence/underworld connections to get away with this sort of thing and still look cool, or at least silence any naysayers.

silluischool

Male drag can also look very hot but is a highly advanced field perhaps worthy of a Kpopalypse Fashion Class article all its own one day.  In the meantime, only the bravest cao ni mas with the least amount of fucks given should apply - certainly a task ideally suited to Sulli from f(x).

yonaschool 
Oh and this uniform here that Yoona is wearing is a sailor-style Japanese school uniform.  These are creepy and look ugly like hessian sacks and are only fapped to by basement-dwelling otaku and creepy old guys who are even creepier and older than me.  Do not wear under any circumstances.

That's it for another post!  Hopefully you found a sexist asshole talking down to you for an entire blog post and telling you how to dress when it's none of his fucking business to be sufficiently entertaining, but if not, at least remember this post's informative content when all the shithouse Seoul Fashion Week clickbait articles from other sites come out!  Kpopalypse will return with more bullshit nobody cares about soon!

juyeon2school copy

Three Month Report

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Let me take a break from doing something important such as fapping to Han Hye Jin reading to make this report.
It has already been three months since I have taken over AKF as the head administrator and I would like your guys' input on how I am doing.



From my own viewpoint, I think I am doing a good job with what I had planned for AKF: to make it the most hated K-pop site by SJWs.

Really, my debut article could not have gone any better. So many people got mad at me for writing about how ugly Suhyun is. You know someone has to be ugly if I wouldn't sleep with her.

Then the Bashing Thread on OneHallyu got all riled up because I called Jonghyun a faggot. Which, honestly, he probably is.

And now the hate tweets are being directed at AKF again.


I love how people get so mad about what we do in our spare time. I'm sorry that you guys spend so much of your time absorbed in K-pop.

How do you guys think I'm doing so far? Any suggestions? Comments? Hot pictures of Han Hye Jin?

Anyway, in a semi-related note, don't expect AKF to be back posting until the end of the year. All of his free time is spent studying for the CPA exam.

Kim Hyun Joong plans to marry his pregnant ex-girlfriend + Dispatch releases timeline = victim blaming!

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Most of you know, by now, that Kim Hyun Joong (actor/singer/girlfriend beater/member of SS501) previously admitted to beating up his ex-girlfriend (Victim A) and breaking her ribs - albeit under the guise of attempting of "practising martial arts". He has always vehemently denied that he was a serial abuser when said ex-girlfriend brought up a lawsuit against him, in an attempt to sue him for domestic violence. However, the lawsuit was eventually dropped and Kim Hyun Joong was ordered to pay a measly penalty fee.

Now, according to reports released in the magazine Women's Sense, Kim Hyun Joong has apparently reunited with victim A and has plans to marry her as she is now...pregnant. 
In the March issue of magazine ‘Woman Sense’s March issue, they wrote, “Kim Hyun Joong reconciled with his two years older ex-girlfriend and are expecting a baby. The baby’s mother is Ms. Choi (31), the ex-girlfriend who sued Kim Hyung Joong for assault.” A close friend of the couple told Women’s Sense that Kim Hyun Joong and Ms. Choi peacefully reconciled when the idol sincerely apologized for his actions after the assault case. The magazine went on to quote the friend who revealed, “Currently, Kim Hyun Joong is worried about his upcoming enlistment into the army while both families are discussing about marriage and the baby.”

 In order to add more clarity to the matter at end, Dispatch released a timeline of the events starting with the filing of victim A's lawsuit - it goes as follows*:
Source: Dispatch via Nate

2014 August 2nd: A files a lawsuit.

2014 September 15th: Kim Hyun Joong releases an apology.

2014 September 20th: Kim Hyun Joong called in for investigation. He constantly visited A's house to apologize and ask for a lighter prosecution. Part of their 'misunderstanding' was resolved. 

2014 October: Kim Hyun Joong genuinely apologizes to A, continuing to reach her for contact. A seems to have gained back her feelings for him during this process.

2014 November: Kim Hyun Joong throws a surprise event for A's birthday. One insider said, "Kim Hyun Joong sent flowers and a cake to A's home and had a surprise party in Seoul. A friend's couple also joined them."

2014 December: Kim Hyun Joong and A get back together.

2014 December 24th: The two take a Christmas trip to Jeju Island for 3 days. They also spent New Year's together at Kim Hyun Joong's house and officially returned to being lovers.

2014 December 29th: Police cross-interrogate Kim Hyun Joong and A.

2014 December: A confirms she's pregnant. Currently, she's 11 weeks along and is expected to give birth in September. 

2015 January 19th: Police close Kim Hyun Joong's assault case. All he must pay is a penalty fee.

2015 February: Kim Hyun Joong is currently promoting in Japan and recently returned to Korea after his fan meet.

2015 Future?: Kim Hyun Joong will be enlisting in the army this year. Both families are currently meeting to discuss matters on the baby's birth and future.

You can see the original timeline here.

Obviously, with the release of this information, oppapologists that never believed that KHJ could harm his ex-girlfriend (who is soon to be his wife) have come out in their masses to slut-shame and victim blame the woman. I'm not just talking about fans in Korea, but people in the international K-Pop fandom as well. One such comment, that caught my eye, happens to originate from OneHallyu itself.








What is this "I'm-not-going-to-defend-him-instead-I'm-going-to-victim-blame-the-ex-girlfriend-as-a-sexual-predator" type of bullshit? I understand that people might not be able to comprehend the situation at hand, especially if they haven't been in it themselves, and are probably thinking "Why the fuck did she put herself back in that type of situation?", but this type of comment is so far from being like your usual far-removed comment. This comment is basically implying that the victim worked her way back into Kim Hyun Joong's abusive underpants for money. Oh no, he didn't take advantage of her vulnerabilities it was she who manipulated him!

The amount of abhorrent victim shaming that this woman is receiving is absolutely unacceptable. The timeline, that Dispatch has provided us with, makes it absolutely clear that KHJ went out of his way to continually manipulate this woman into getting back together with him. The aspects of the timeline, that I put in bold, emphasises this fact. You can clearly see that KHJ groomed this woman with gifts and emotional promises (possibly even threatening to kill himself if she does not get back together with him) in order to regain her trust, have the lawsuit against him dropped, and "clean up" his public image. 

Or even worse: he might have made her feel as if she was the guilty party at hand. That she was the reason why he would act out. It is not uncommon for those that suffer from domestic abuse to be made to feel guilty, by their abusers, and thus feel the need to return to their abusers as they are "righting their wrongs".

This article by CNN best explains the possible reasons for KHJ's ex-girlfriend going back to him, and why victims of domestic abuse go back to their abusers in general. I think it's something that everyone should read.

It doesn't matter how he manipulated her, but Kim Hyun Joong advantage of an already emotionally vulnerable woman (who was probably starting to blame herself for the abuse, anyway) and groomed his way into her underpants. He probably intentionally slept her with her without using protection as well. The manipulation that he probably, most-definitely inflicted upon her probably means that he groomed her into having sex with him (which could constitute as rape, but I'm not sure how South Korea's laws on this type of predatory manipulation works - they're probably bullshit anyway).


Getting his fiancé pregnant basically leaves her with no other option, but to get back together with her abuser because the stigma towards single mothers, in South Korea, makes it pretty much impossible for a woman to raise a child on her own in such a country. Plus, his wonderful fans have already leaked personal information on the woman we know to be Miss Choi which means that if she were to go it alone she'd be known as both a single mother and a victim of domestic violence. God knows what that might drive her to do, knowing how cases such as Choi Jin Shil ended. Bloody hell, the poor woman might have thought that going back to KHJ would be the lesser of two evils.
But I think that there is definitely something more sinister going on, right now. The Dispatch article clearly states that the girl's and KHJ's parents are discussing "matters on the baby's birth and future". This probably means that the girl has been made to feel ashamed by her parents and is thus being pressured into a marriage that she might not even want. You'll be surprised by how victims of abused are pressured by their own family members - the very people that should be supporting them - into doing something that is most definitely detrimental to their health.
I am just so worried about what might happen to this woman once the honeymoon period is over. Thank God that KHJ is going to be in the military for the first two years of the baby's life, I hate to know what he might do to her and their child. 

Suzy tries to be a hat whore and fails; still succeeds in being a fat whore

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Miss A member Suzy filed and lost a lawsuit against a fashion store over a hat dispute, sources say. The latter marketed one of their products as a Suzy hat without the consent of the idol. Suzy was seen wearing the hat in question (pictured below) prior to this lawsuit.


The fashion store has released a statement regarding the incident, saying: "We apologise for any inconveniences we may have caused Suzy and JYP Entertainment. Our intention was not to advertise the product as a Suzy hat, but rather as a fat whore hat. We wanted to convey to our customers the message that 'fat' and 'whore' are words with negative connotations only because of people's attitudes to them. There is nothing to be ashamed of about being a larger and/or sexually liberated woman, and we wanted to reclaim those words. We thought that Suzy perfectly embodied these traits, which is why we were so pleased when we saw her wearing our product. It seems as though fans of Suzy were excited by this and dubbed it a 'Suzy hat' when we had not explicitly stated it to be so. Again, we offer our deepest apologies to all involved. tl;dr: go suck a dick you fat whore"

"I think it's disgraceful that I don't have rights on my own signature fat whore image," said Suzy, when asked about the lawsuit. "I was relying on the income from the lawsuit and hat royalties to buy more Sprite. It's not easy having so much trainee debt. I suspect a certain someone with the name [whisper inaudible] might be pulling strings to cut down on my sugar levels."

"I can't believe she would be so distrusting of me," said Park Jin Young, CEO of JYP Entertainment, in response to Suzy's allegations against him. "Besides, there is no hope for that plus-sized promiscuous woman, so I gave up on making her diet long ago. That's it, Suzy, no more dessert for you tonight."

However, Suzy was not alone in taking issue with the so-called 'fat whore hat'. "I was disappointed with this product," said suzy_fag, netizen and regular customer at the fashion store. "I was expecting Suzy to have worn the hat beforehand, but this was not the case. It smelled nothing like her hair." Mr suzy_fag refused to answer any further questions regarding his last statement.

Please donate to the Suzy Is A Fat Whore Foundation (SIAFWF) so we can continue to fund future SIAFW articles. We thank you for your understanding and support.

The tragic number: An exploration into how badly trios fail at being good

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Every time I clap my hands, a seven member boy group debuts, every time I blink, a six member girl group debuts with either a fierce or cute concept depending on the result of a coin toss. From solo artists through to 204920491 member groups, there is some quality to be found somewhere in the K-Pop sphere, yet one number seems to have been forgotten by the gods of good music: 3. Whilst trios have succeeded in such irrelevant categories as making a lot of money, they have never passed the most important test of all: my opinion, and that's all that matters really. This is why I despaired when Tiny-G lost based Myung-Ji, I knew it wouldn't work and I went on to be proven right because Ice Baby was an ejaculate stain of a song. In this article I will be going through a series of three member groups and sounding off to whoever will listen as to why they are so bad. I will not be including sub-units because three member sub-units usually turn out quite well. It will be a thrill ride for all involved.






Seo Taiji and the Boys

"Sohyunna! Founding fathers Seo Taiji & The Boys were a trio, clearly the number is not as bad of an omen as you once thought, please fuck off back to your squalid pit". Unfortunately Seo Taiji and his rentboys made very bad music which just so happened to influence people to make better music. Really, this song has boring and lax production, low quality rapping, and poor vocal melodies; it hits every box that it is trying to avoid. Seo Taiji's boys add very little to the song or the aesthetic of the group so you may feel that it is unfair to call them a trio, but I say that they made their own bed with this one and should be judged as such. Seo Taiji should have foreseen the horrible thing that is K-Pop that he created and predicted that trios would be shit and dropped YG so that we could have been spared the existence of Blackjacks. That would be a wonderful world, but unfortunately Seo Taiji made shit music for shit people. Despite this, his existence did allow this badass version of his song to be done: 

Seo Taiji still has an annoying voice and is incapable of rapping but I appreciate the effort.




S.E.S

I promise that once I have insulted S.E.S, for a paragraph or so, I will only talk about one more super-old K-Pop trio because making fun of any 90s K-Pop is rather easy and not very imaginative. S.E.S exude that certain 90s feeling of boring bubblegum pop that had an upbeat tone to it so people justa te it up and it somehow made millions of nondescript units of currency. Let's call this the S Club 7 model of making music. SM clearly kept making music videos in exactly the same way as "I'm Your Girl"(and every other video they did) makes it appear as if S.E.S are trapped in a series of boxes and the only way they can escape is by pretending to dance and singing in a mediocre manner, don't forget to rap unnecessarily angrily and throw in a sudden key change. In every moment of the 'golden years' of S.E.S, every single member looks a bit like Bjork - on a bad day. I find it hard to put too much more effort into this paragraph because SM put such a tiny amount of effort into making SES appealing in the slightest.



Koyote

I wanted to talk about Fin.K.L here, but I realised that they are a four member group so had to desperately hunt for another 90s K-Pop trio because chances are, that if they exist, they would be shit. Lo and behold Koyote presented themselves to me and I was utterly disgusted by what I heard. It had everything; a rapper who tried too hard, a singer who tried too hard, and a female singer who doesn't try hard enough. I know that Koyote have shifted in numbers over the years so you may claim that their consistent shitness has nothing to do with number of members, but I say to you that they were built on the foundation of a trio which can only lead to greater levels of disappointment and failure. For those who think that I just listen to one song and call it a day, let me present to you another of Koyote's songs which is currently riding high on my list of 'worst K-Pop songs ever conceived'.


There are no redeeming features, only a never-ending onslaught of horrible music on all possible grounds. I would take S.E.S and Seo Taiji over this any day of the week. Please, make it stop and allow me to move into the twentieth century. It can get no worse than this.



8eight

You might have thought that I was tempting fate with the way I signed off on Koyote. I can safely say that 8eight are a much better group than Koyote, but commit a crime almost as bad as being ear crushingly poor; making music boring enough that it could induce hibernation. I am pleased that K-Pop music production has left the veritable stone age that was the 90s, and that the singers are good at what they do (seriously, especially the dude; I really like his voice) but they do absolutely nothing with their positive points. The rapper has no charisma, the songs are slow as molasses, even when they try and fill themselves with life, their music videos always look like some terrible variation on the 'love triangle romantic comedy' genre with the linked video looking like a street dancer and a mens' rights activist are in love with the same girl who is in love with neither of them. Also their songs also sound incredibly similar and follow the same pattern of emotions, often the same chord progression. They disbanded, probably, because they disappeared into thin air after realising that they were of so little consequence.


D-Unit

I could make a penis joke, but I will refrain, partly because they all look about twelve, but mainly because there are so many more things to make a joke about with D-Unit. Their entire existence is a joke and has been ever since they debuted with the musical shart that is ''I'm Missing You''. They clearly wish that they were 2NE1, but they aren't blessed with YG's producers, any discernible talent, or any discernible charisma (akisame: do 2NE1 even possess that?). Their songs grind into your skull, but not in the cool harsh noise way, rather their music makes me want to take up trepanning. They also had some line-up shit mess, with them, and made the unintelligent decision to take on a member of the even worse group 'GP Basic' as a member, but D-Unit's key contributions to civilisation and culture come from their first two singles (the one that is not linked is called "Luv Me" and I refuse to link it because I love and care for you more than you do for yourself). There is no reason to consent to listen to D-Unit.

Phantom

At this point I have had about enough, so this is the final group of people who I will hurl insults at. For today at least. Phantom decide to be like 8eight and attempt to simultaneously have soulful, wanky vocals, along with a rapper with sufficient levels of $wag. This unfortunately sounds like that type of early 2000s rock song that made its way into the top 40. Their sound has rather shifted all over the place, but they always sound like they are attempting to please to vocalists before they please the rapper with songs that are just as easy to place on as background music as they are to categorically hate. One thing that makes Phantom stand out is that one of their teasers caused a bit of a stir for being altogether too nude for daytime TV, I will embed it below because sex sells.


The song that went with this got people talking about Phantom and was surprisingly really rather good, I didn't want to have to sing any praises but New Era strikes a sensible balance between hip-hop and vocals, all with a cool guitar beat behind it. The video also features lots of sex which ought to please the readers.

---

There we go, whilst the final example showed that trios can make good songs, they never make good groups consistently. As we know, my opinions are absolute fact and should always be treated as such so I will ask you to quietly accept this. I was going to put in a sub-section about how Lunafly were a good trio because I remember liking a song of theirs but unfortunately that is the only good song they have done or are ever likely to do. Take my advice, if you ever want to make the big bucks by creating a K-Pop group, never form a trio; you will make bad music and there is nothing you will be able to do about it.

A Collection of Lovely Comments We Get on a Daily Basis

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At AKF, we often get comments that don't get posted for various reasons like the posting is too old or they violate our strict misogynist agenda. Today is your lucky day however, because you're getting a "peek behind the curtain" as it were at some of the funnier ones. I've also supplied an audio link in case you're illiterate. (Of course if you can't read why are you here to begin with ... Oh, right MS Paint dicks.)































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