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[MV Review] Rainbow - Black Swan

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RAINBOW'S BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK



I'M NOT WORTHY


As you all know all too well, Rainbow hasn't made a comeback for a very long time, by Kpop standards at least. I'll take this opportunity to give you all a brief primer on Rainbow to refresh your memories (or educate you about their glory if you're either new or been sleepin' on them, feel free to skip ahead tho).

Once upon a time (aka 2010 through 2011), Rainbow were the darling of the public eye after snatching wigs and taking names with the truly fantastic A and Mach (no MV). Following up with the also great To Me and Sweet Dream, DSP then decided since they were doing so well, they should go to Japan and rake in the big YEN like KARA was. Unfortunately for everyone involved, a combination of Japanese exile, subunit activity (Rainbow Pixie sucked because they tried to copy Orange Caramel), and vocal polyps for Hyunyoung shelved any and all follow up.

Since then, they've sort of drifted away into obscurity. Jaekyung, Hyunyoung, and Jisook have managed to find work as TV show hosts, but everyone else has been languishing away in the DSP basement. It's been a year and seven months since their last full comeback in 2013, not counting Rainbow Blaxx. I'm sure you've all collectively deleted the memory of that particular set of songs off your minds cause both the songs they chose to promote, Tell Me Tell Me and Sunshine were boring as hell. It's a damn shame because that only continued the unfortunate trend of DSP shitting the bed and picking the worst songs from their minis to promote for Rainbow (case in point: the vastly superior I'll Wait for You off Rainbow Syndrome Part 2 went completely under the radar for most people).

That being said, Black Swan is everything we could have asked for and more. The only reason it took so long for them to come back is probably because DSP forgot Rainbow exists, so Jaekyung had to put the whole team on her back and do everything herself: come up with the concept, write the lyrics, write the songs, produce the songs, design the album jackets, press the CDs, distribute the CDs to ship all over Korea and the rest of the world, sew the outfits, make the jewelry and accessories, take the promo photos, think up teasers, produce the teasers, develop the choreography, shoot the MV, edit the MV, secure the venues for promotions, negotiate for variety show tours, schedule press releases, prepare PR articles for media play, and every other thing in between.


>tfw you find out you have a 0 won budget for your comeback preparation

By grace of God and/or all that is right in the KPop world, Jaekyung has definitely come through for her starving Rainouses (Rainousi?). The song's fantastic and I love (almost) everything about it. The vocals, the lowkey production, the understated instrumental, it all comes together to make one hell of a song. It may be a slow burn grower for some people, but it WILL grow on you. The chorus hook is one of my favorite parts and it's definitely one of the more memorable hooks in Rainbow's discography. There's just something about it that burrows itself into your brain and refuses to get out. Working as intended, Jaekyung.

The bad parts of the song, or rather the parts I liked the least, are where it slows down for the rap break (can we PLEASE leave these in the past??) and the fact that it doesn't really... build up to anything. The chorus is great, don't get me wrong, but it's the dominant part of the song to the point where it's difficult for any of the verses to stand out. Many people understandably have griped that the chorus feels like an eternity only because the verses are structured so similarly. Going back to the rap, I don't feel like it was particularly necessary for this song. The beat slows down quite a bit to accommodate for it, and doesn't really get its momentum back despite Hyunyoung's best efforts during her vocal run.

But boy, does she look good.
Visually speaking, the MV is also as understated as the song's production. This time around, Rainbow have gone for a slightly more psychological bent a la the infamous Black Swan movie. But without lesbians. Using liberal use of jarring cuts (but thankfully not T-ara level), odd splashes of graphic scribbles, and angsty solo zoom-ins, you're supposed to get a sense of horror or suspense, but I think they could have done a better job communicating that. Or given us lesbians, I would have killed to see Jaekyung play the Black Swan to say Hyunyoung's White Swan. Goddamn it, Jaekyung.

What we do get is an almost symbolic representation of the Rainbow situation up until now. The beautiful girls of Rainbow, left high and dry by goddamn DSP, have descended into madness and despair while languishing in their solitude. All of the cuts where they're seemingly okay before snapping and breaking down in fields of snow or rooms full of cracked mirrors only serve to reinforce this idea. Fragile mental states are only exasperated by a lack of attention and proper care, things poor Rainbow have not gotten in a very long time. Maybe Jaekyung intentionally filmed and edited this way as a silent protest and/or plea for help.

You don't need to smile through the pain anymore, I GET YOU.
At the beginning and end of the MV, we get sequences of an eerie piano piece layered with crackly phonograph effects. I really wish they did something with that, either make a full song out of it as a filler track or even use it as part of a remixed or reimagined Black Swan instrumental. Combined with a stronger concept leaning more towards the psychological horror, we could have had a really unique comeback on our hands.

Jisook already makes a great creepy/deranged serial killer.

Don't get me wrong, what we do get is a nice mix of sexy and elegance as advertised in their pre-release media play. The irony of a group founded on the concept of the 7 colors of the rainbow dropping such a great song with a muted black and white pallet is not lost on me. Jaekyung looks goddamn fantastic, with Hyunyoung easily taking top marks as well. My girl Woori, lame rap aside, is also looking really damn good. Pls help stan her so she can get some work too.

She's coming for your wigs and your fans.
Everyone else is styled pretty well, but not even a Hwayoung-esque rebirth can save Yoon Hye from her own soul-stealing gaze.

[SP00K ALERT]
Dear God, what have I done.
In my humble opinion, the dance is pretty basic but there's some snazzy bits in there that will make perfect fuel for future fapcams. There ARE some moves that look really fucking familiar though. Either Kpop has run its course in terms of choreographic originality or Jaekyung got a little lazy/sloppy when she was looking for inspiration.

Please excuse Jaekyung for not coming up with a more exciting dance,
she was doing this all by herself.
I could have sworn I've seen this particular hand dance somewhere else
before, but at least Hyunyoung's sass is a treasure and a half to watch.
When in doubt, throw in some hip gyration and you've got yourself a
sexy MV.

When you're REALLY in doubt, put Hyunyoung's well-toned ass and legs in
front of the camera at good angles while she does hip gyrations.
TL;DR:
Black Swan is easily one of Rainbow's best tracks to date, but some may need a couple of listens to let it burn in.

+:
  • JAEKYUNG
  • HYUNYOUNG
  • WOORI
  • hip gyration
  • sexy + elegant concept
  • themes of psychological horror
  • song so good
  • chorus is da best
-:
  • can be a grower for some
  • rap break, goddamn it Woori
  • Yoon Hye still as soulless and creepy as ever
  • doesn't really have an explosive payoff for the build-up throughout the song
I give this MV a 4.25 out of 5.

PS: Now taking submissions for a Fifty Shades of Grey "My interests are very singular" esque photo meme using Jaekyung.

You can make your own! WHAT DOES SHE SEE?
inb4 ur dick

The Best of the Worst: Feb. 26, 2015

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It's another week and another Best of the Worst. In this edition, we've got KBS' latest bans, G-Dragon's cry for help, and Hani talking about how she passed the time during EXID's two-year stint in kpop purgatory.




Sica makes sweet, sweet music.

Rainbow Fans, Stop Worrying About Their Popularity

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Rainbow fans during every comeback because all they worry about is music show rankings.
I have been jamming to Rainbow's Black Swan for the past week. I like the song so much that I plan on buying their Innocent mini-album. Everyone in this group is attractive. Yes, everyone.


Yet everywhere I go, fans are complaining that the song isn't good enough and are essentially asking for a B-track of Kara. Fuck that. Trying to emulate the sound of your sister group is only going to work against you. Lame ass kimchi faggots would leave comments such as:

"kukukukuku Those Rainbow sluts are totally copying Kara."

"huhuhuhuhu Rainbow claims to represent the colors of the rainbow but they only represent the color of shit because all they can do is be a shitty clone of Kara."

Sure, Black Swan isn't the type of title track that does well on music shows. However, it's the kind of song that Koreans always clamor for, but you know, never buy to support. It's one of the songs that grows on you the more you listen to it. It's not one of those "bad songs that become good after you listen to them 1,000 times". After the third listen, I grew to really like the song because the chorus really stuck in my head. It's a simple chorus that draws out a vowel per line, but it's effective in becoming catchy. My Korean is only limited to being able to reading Han Hye Jin's name in Korean, but even I'm singing to myself "nal ana juseeeeeeeeeeeeeeyo, nal bada juseeeeeeeeeeeeyo".

There's a lot to like about the song, but a lot of fans are only worried about whether it can make Rainbow more popular. Stop treating K-pop like it's a sport! None of these groups are competing against each other for a championship. It's all a ruse to make fans pay ungodly amount of attention to music shows. When the result of a music show is out of your hands, you are not in a true competition. These groups don't control how popular their songs are, so stop wasting your time on hoping a song is popular. How about you try buying the mini-album if you want to offer any real support to the group. Spamming YouTube and Twitter about how Rainbow should be more popular isn't doing Rainbow any good. 

Everyone in Rainbow is hot. They have a lot of good songs. Now excuse me while I write some fanfics of Rainbow pegging me while listening to their new mini-album in my mom's basement.

Maybe my fantasy of Jisook pegging me with her serial killer look while we talk about video games is more important to me than trying to convince people to listen to Rainbow. I don't give a shit what kimchi faggots on Nate, Naver and Daum say about Rainbow. I don't care about what Koreaboos on Netizen Buzz say about Rainbow. I like the group after listening to Black Swan, and I want to have an orgy with the whole group in my mom's basement. Maybe they can make me a kimchi casserole while we're at it. 

Cao Lu is extremely popular

Zaku's Bias List

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People have been asking me a ton of questions about who I actually like in KPop, and for some reason, you internet strangers actually care about who another internet stranger blogging about KPop enjoys looking at. I'm honestly touched. ;A;

It's been a long time coming, but I finally got around to throwing together a list of ladies in KPop who are da BEST OF THE BEST. (And before anyone asks, I'm probably not going to put together a list of males unless there's enough demand for one. inb4 Zaku ur so gay lmao)


10. Choa

Like another formerly long haired girl appearing on this list later who had a super great haircut that made her at least a thousand times hotter, AOA's Choa was just one of those blessed by the short-hair gods/goddesses. I didn't particularly like anyone in AOA at their (in my opinion) boring debut, so it wasn't until Like a Cat that I noticed how great Choa is.



Don't get me wrong, she looks pretty solid with long hair too.


I just prefer her in short hair. Other reasons for liking her include her pretty fucking funny faces that are tailor made for lazy meme posts or reaction spam.





She's just ridiculously hot in general okay??


I couldn't find any trace of her on Instagram or Twitter, so no links for you or me. :/

9. Jihyun


Jihyun often gets overlooked by people all the time. She's not the talented one like Jiyoon or Gayoon, she's not the promoted one like Hyuna, and she definitely doesn't try very hard to get her name out there like Sohyun does. At the same time, it's that "I don't give a fuck" attitude that draws me to her.

Just look at that smirk, that smirks says "I'm hot as fuck, what are you going to do about it?"
Yes, she does have the biggest boobs in 4Minute and is a strong contender for best boobs in the biz, but that's just a small facet of the wonder of Jihyun.



She's hilarious if people actually care enough to look for her stuff, but sadly those moments are both few and far between since she's too goddamn lazy to do that variety shit anymore. The last time she was in the public eye solo on variety programs was I believe her stint on The Romantic & Idol (terrible KPop idol version of a speed dating show where they throw idols in a beach house together) in 2012. 2012!! Sure she's done several CFs and dramas and shit like that since then, but cmon man!! I want to see the Nam Ji Bitchface in action...  



Oh well... At least she's going to be on Running Man soon. Pray for Jihyun, it will probably be the most active she's been in ages. EDIT: I was wrong, pls don't bully me.

Follow her on Instagram @missnam90.

8. Jei


Even though I've only been a fan of Fiestar and Jei for a handful of months, she's quickly climbed the ranks of my bias list in no time in part because of my infatuation of her. Seriously, I've not latched onto an idol very often, but she ranks up there in terms of  fast adoptions in my book. 

And no, it's not because of Jei's jeis if you know what I mean.
Admittedly, I've not been able to track down her variety show appearances or hear much about her from the grapevine but I think she just has an "IT factor" that draws your eye to her. The only thing I've heard she's been a part of was the aforementioned The Romantic & Idol back in 2012 and she was allegedly pretty shafted on it. I could be delusional, or simply hypnotized by Jei's jeis, but she's definitely one of the most gorgeous idols in the biz. A shame she's still on the more nugu side of things, but that just means her agency will be more willing to give the saucier choreography to her and Fiestar.

I use this way too often, but I really fucking love this gif.
Okay, so Fiestar's choreo isn't THAT saucy but the fancams are really fucking great. It's better out there for nugu groups these days because of the proliferation and demand for fapcams in Hi-Res. I'm not entirely convinced the big names like Pharkil or Spinel jump aboard these nugu hype trains so readily, but I think they just film who they think is hot on stage at the time while they're waiting for the bigger fish to show up. Works for me, at any rate.



I for one, am super excited for Fiestar's upcoming comeback. From what we've seen and heard teased so far, it seems quite promising. Jei looks SMOKING HOT in her teasers.

HOLY MOLY, RIGHT??


But you should never trust a trailer, really. #prayforFiestar

I also worked pretty hard to make this, so you should save it and post it everywhere.
Follow her on her new Instagram @kimjeii

7. Eunjung


I think Eunjung is one of the primary examples of a short haircut completely revitalizing one's image and vaunting oneself into the annals of KPop history. At her debut, Eunjung had standard long hair. Admittedly, due to a combination of semi-terrible styling all around and terrible aegyo concept, everyone looked pretty frumpy... But Eunjung didn't stand out very much. As if Joey Wheeler played his Release Restraint card on her, her haircut in 2009 was the unlocking of her true potential and she's been really fucking hot ever since.

If it weren't for that stupid scandal (curse you lazy Hwayoung!!), T-ara would be really goddamn popular still or at least the circlejerk about bullies and iljin wouldn't be there. Regardless, Eunjung's rice cake stuffing ways means she doesn't give a shit anyway.



I feel like she's one of the few female idols that can throw down and scrap, not least of all because of her black belt in Tae Kwon Do. Seriously, she could probably beat anyone's ass any time of the week. Eunjung happens to have embraced the yoga trend for female idols too, so she could beat your ass with several limbs tied behind her head or something. You'd need the handicap to last more than a minute.



Thankfully, fancammers haven't given up on T-ara yet so we still get great footage of them. God bless your hearts.



Make sure you follow her on Instagram @sweetgirlej

6. Yura


I must admit, I slept on Girl's Day for a very long time because I dismissed them as a bunch of lamo aegyo poppers who only sang about candy, hugs, and oppa. Admittedly, that was 80% of their songs for a long time, but the point is I wasn't a fan until I made a playlist of girl group songs for my friend. She only listened to 2NE1 because she claimed all girl groups were lamo aegyo poppers who only sang about candy, hugs, and oppa, so I was determined to prove her wrong. After stumbling across the phenomenal Nothing Lasts Forever (easily one of the top 3 Girl's Day songs of all time), I was sold and was became a fan of the gal I thought was the hottest in the group. That decision has paid off in spades ever since she "officially" stole my heart in Twinkle Twinkle.


Did you also know that her legs are insured for US $500,000??



You may think she's all sexy and boobies, but she's actually a huge goober with a hideous laugh and ridiculous personality. And reallyfuckinggay for Minah. And Suzy. For everyone. She's just super gay.



Just listen to that bone-chilling cackle and snorting laughter that only a fan could love. Never let anyone -- not a Yura stan, your mom, or Jesus -- forget how funny she is.



Okay I think I failed horribly at telling you why I like her or why she's great, but she just is okay? Like fuck off man... (ง ͠° ͟ل͜ ͡°)ง

Yura (to my knowledge) doesn't have an Instagram yet, but you can follow her on Twitter @Girls_Day_Yura.

5. Jaekyung


Jaekyung has the dubious honor of being the best member of one of the best groups to never really quite breakthrough into explosive popularity. Although Rainbow's lead singles have mostly been really goddamn good (see A, Mach, Sweet Dream, or the recent Black Swan), they've never really been able to win any awards on music shows or enjoy the benefits of a particularly rabid fandom. When was the last time you heard of a crazy Rainous? For that matter, how many of you realized/remembered that Rainbow's fan club name was Rainous in the first place?

It's really a shame because she's in that odd purgatory of too famous to be nugu but not famous enough to be popular. Not that many people know of her true gifts.



Whether it's because she's naturally talented or because she has so much damn free time on her hands from all the neglect of DSP, Rainbow's Red Ranger has an almost staggeringly broad range of skills and hobbies she has been more than happy to share with us over the years. Her interests range from metalwork, silversmithing, jewelrymaking, drawing, fashion, nail art, dancing, singing, modeling, MCing, photography, cooking, sewing, embroidery, animal husbandry (jk it's just a puppy/dog she has), to TV show hosting... it's probably easier to list what she can't or hasn't done at this point than it is to list what she can do.

Did I mention she's really fucking gorgeous too?
And she knows her angles. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Jaekyung is also a sweet gal who cheeses for fancams and fans alike all the time. 




And I don't know if you noticed, but she's kinda busty too. Just putting it out there.

Follow Jaekyung on Instagram @_kimjaekyung_
4. Fei


Ah, the Queen of China herself. Personally, I think she's the hottest member of Miss A hands down (which isn't to say Suzy is ugly but w/e) and it's a shame it took people so long to realize. Sure she wasn't exactly the best styled at their debut, but Fei was in it for the long run. I don't remember exactly when she exploded out of her shell into a blazing fire of fully realized beauty, but my best guess is the Touch era. I don't know whether it was her stylists realizing that the more natural hair colors worked best on her (pls no more awkward blonde) or her stylists finally figuring out how to properly apply her make-up, but it was the start of something special.


From then on, it seemed like Korea paused midstroke in their Suzy circlejerk to notice that Fei is fucking amazing because she finally got lovecalls for CFs and variety show appearances. From Dancing with the Stars to Celebrity Masterchef, Fei had the opportunity to demonstrate a wide range of talents. Maybe not as wide as Jaekyung, but still, who can complain about a beautiful woman who can cook, dance, sing, and run shit like Fei can? And she has a booty + legs to die for.

hnnnnnnnnnnng



Follow her on Instagram @ff0427

3. Di


Di is probably the first nugu love I ever had. It feels like yesterday when I was still checking Allkpop for Kpop updates, and I randomly clicked on an article about the impending debut of Rania. Hyped as the third (l0l) coming of Baby VOX, one member immediately piqued my interest. Maybe it was her sly smirk, maybe it was her short hair (short haired girls are so best), but whatever it was... IT WAS DESTINY.


Also for some strange reason, she gets all the lesbian fanservice parts for every song they've had so far. I'm not complaining but it's just a funny note



On a more positive note, I can with 100% confidence say that Rania's discography is/was flawless in every way. Literally every song is amazing, even the slowburns and the ballad-ey jams. Do yourself a favor and pay attention to them with me so they can do more than just look pretty on Instagram and leave the group. I swear the longer it takes them to make a comeback, the more members they shed... Thankfully, Di's too hot to get rid of, even if she doesn't really contribute much else. 

I can't give you much else to work with because all we have are a handful of fancams and selcas...

JUST TRUST ME ON THIS ONE, OKAY??
Follow her on Instagram @daraeda cause she's a selca QUEEN.

2. Yubin


Alright be honest, how many of you still remembered she existed? All 8 of us Yubin stans still light a candle to the Kpop gods to in honor of the miracle that was So Hot era Yubin.

So cute...
She had it all: hotness, quirkiness, aegyo, a sexy husky voice, and she rapped fairly decently for an idol. 



I still kept the faith even when people made fun of her for "putting on weight," when people said she was too fat to stan, too dark to be hot. I called them heathens and downloaded all her pics anyway.

I don't know why this is so small, but I ASSure you it's a great gif.
Then JYP banished her to America, but it was all good because she went through a renaissance so to speak where her hotness went to the next level. I'm glad that Korean fashion magazines recognized her hotness at least. She got endorsements like crazy and it seemed like she was on a new magazine cover every other month. I dunno what's going on with her these days because it seems like Sunye's marriage and Sunmi's return drove all of JYP's other artists into the shadows.


It's hard to find stuff about Yubin these days because most of it has since been taken down by Youtube copyright claims or other random shit like that. If you know of any good stuff, feel free to link it to me. I miss her... #FREEYUBIN

In the meantime, follow her on Instagram @yubstagram88
1. Seohyun


Did you expect anyone else to be #1 after all these years of faithful stanning? C'mon. Since I've answered so many questions on why I like her so much, I'll just copy and paste some of them here.

My love all started when I first got into SNSD and was (like any other initiate into The Faith) looking for a patron saint to guide my path. Most fans picked all the other members and hated on Seohyun because she was perceived as a bookworm with no personality. That was the era when she wasn't the wildly attractive semen demon she is today, she barely had any promotion or solo activities yet. Most of her variety show appearances consisted of her members complaining about how strict she was and about her weird quirks (like listening to nature sounds to relax or watching Keroro cartoons) OR being a generally straightedge kind of goober.


Of course for some strange reason, I fell in love with this "boring," "no-personality" kind of personality cause she was the realest of the real and sucked ass at putting on an idol persona. Her personality is the best because it's the realest of the real. People say her personality is flat and robotic, BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I LIKE HER. 

It's like she's the only sane person in the insane KPop world. She's obviously very intelligent (you probably could not fake her intelligence, she's too well-read and full of weird odds and ends that point to at least a better than average grasp on the world) and a rational person who doesn't take shit from nobody if she can help it (obviously you gotta cede to Korean hierarchy of age and seniority). She's the actually best rapper in SNSD. I find it hilarious to see her try to do aegyo shit to fit in with the pre-established image she thinks idols have to have because she fails so miserably more often than not. Shit, the girl couldn'tevenwinkproperly until a couple of years ago, for god's sake.  Best of all, even if it's all an act (the innocent angel that is), I can totally see her as a stuck up mega-bitch or super slut.

I live for any and all instances of Seobitchface and/or Seoslut
She's not perfect by any means. She's got her off days too, and sometimes her airport fashion makes me cry dirty tears of embarrassment for her. Who knows why her cheeks puff up sometimes and sometimes not (lack of proper sleep I presume), but she's still got enough gorgeous beauty, bitch face, and cuteness to pull off a wide range of looks in my opinion. I will admit that her attempts at sexy sometimes come off as constipated though. But she's doing something right because she's Korean conventionally attractive enough to land plenty of endorsement deals and pictorials in fashion magazines. She's so hot, even her own group members molest her on camera.

That being said, it's pretty hard to find fapcams of Seohyun for some reason. I might just be generally terrible at this kind of thing, though. Or people still don't stan for Seohyun like I do... In any case, this performance of Adrenaline with TTS is the hottest thing she's done in a while.

Ok I lied, this is the hottest thing she's done in a while:

The look of  utter nonchalance on her face combined with her exposed collarbone is
just TOO LEWD.
I could probably wax on and on about Seohyun but I must stop here before I get accusations of TL;DR. I probably already will get several "TL;DR, just saved the gifs and fancams for later" comments as it stands... Oh well.

Seosass is best sass.
I made this btw, proliferate it as you will.
Follow the One True Goddess on Instagram @seojuhyun_s

Film review: Make Your Move

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Every day people ask me to review things, so I thought why not do a review of a film?  Especially a film that's relevant to the world of k-pop, and that few of you have seen (I couldn't find any other reviews of this film anywhere in the k-pop blogosphere).  Yes, that's right, it's time for Kpopalypse to take a look at BoA and SM Entertainment's "Make Your Move".

boa-and-taemin copy

"Make Your Move" collected mixed reviews when it came out, and had such a reputation for being crap among k-poppers that even BoA fans didn't want to watch it - but how bad is it, really?  Does it have any redeeming features?  Should it have been more successful or was the mass box-office shunning completely justified?  Time to find out, as Kpopalypse braves his sanity and jumps in front of a speeding, tap-dancing bullet just for you, the dear readers!


makeyourmovefront


Released: 2013
Running time: 105 minutes

I found this film on DVD in the movies section of my local JB Hi-Fi, retailing for the princely sum of $12.98, which is a price point somewhere between "film someone somewhere might actually care about" and "we just want to get rid of this shit off our shelves".  Seeing as how people are always asking me for my "thoughts", here are the thoughts I had when I saw this film on the shelf, in order.
"Wow, my DVD store actually HAS this?"
"Who is Derek Hough and why is he elbowing BoA in the tit?"
"Gosh, $12.98 - that's a bit steep for such an obscure flop - but if I don't buy it now, I'll probably never see this again anywhere ever because I'm sure it's not a hot-ticket item that the store will be desperately intent on restocking if it sells, so what the fuck I'll buy it, it'll make good review material."
"This is almost guaranteed to be crap, I hope my readers appreciate this."
It's clear to me that not many people watched this film because I couldn't find any reviews of it on k-pop sites.  This surprised me - a film about dancing, starring a Korean pop singer known as one of the style's better dancers, how could this not generate interest in the k-pop community?  I saw lots of comments from people saying "gee, no surprise that this sucks" when hearing about how it flopped at the box office but it was all valueless commentary because it was almost all written from people who hadn't actually seen the film.  I'm a big believer in experiencing something before I cast judgement - most people I know have strong negative opinions on pop-cultural items like Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey, but I haven't checked them out so I can't justifiably join in on the trendy cynicism that's circulating.  In fact, my friends constantly (and I mean constantly) rabbiting on about how terrible those books/films were actually makes me want to check them out purely so I can participate in the conversation instead of feeling forced to be silent.  So it's also partly for similar reasons that I ended up watching "Make Your Move".

Some research before I began watching (i.e reading the back of the DVD box) revealed that Derek Hough was in some American TV show called "Dancing With The Stars" which I never watched or knew about.  Also the screenwriter and director of this also wrote the scripts for those "Step Up" and "Save The Last Dance" films, which means he's actually got experience doing this type of thing.  I've never seen those films and maybe they lick balls, but they seem like a similar sort of thing and I would have hoped that doing the same kind of film over and over would make one better at it over time.  Or maybe not.  Oh well.  Anyway, I put the lights down low and pumped up the speaker volume on my widescreen TV, giving "Make Your Move" every fair chance to impress me, and here's what I got in return:

Plot synopsis: Derek plays Donny, a career criminal who makes a living by distracting people while other people steal stuff, which seems like something film-producers SM Entertainment would know a fair bit about.  What doesn't make a lot of fucking sense to me is that his method of distraction is tap-dancing, I mean why learn tap-dancing when flashing your dick at random strangers is way more distracting and would work way better plus requires no special training.  Anyway he doesn't really look the part of someone who cons people for a living which is the film's first major flaw - shitty casting.  A "too fresh-faced for the role" issue is what I call "DiCaprio Syndrome".  In the film Titanic, Leonardo DiCaprio was cast as some world-weary traveller who had been everywhere and done everything and seen the world yet he looked like a 17 year old high-schooler and this seriously downgraded the film's believability (Kate Winslet's boobs made it okay, though).  Derek's character's credibility is similarly handicapped, and they try to make up for it with a bit of stubble and some old clothes but he never at any stage looks like anything other than a model showcasing some clothing company's new line of "pre-aged" jeans.  Not that BoA is much better - she's supposed to be some bold no-rules rebel dancer but she spends most of her screen time making simpering doe-eyes at Derek or acting like someone just took a piss in her cornflakes.  Anyway the story basically is that Donny is inspired by (don't laugh) five seconds of Internet footage of some girls in a club lamely dancing to f(x)'s "Nu Abo" to skip parole, move to Brooklyn and sponge mercilessly off his brother for employment in a dance club where he by chance runs into Aya (BoA) who's family runs a rival dance club.   From that point onward we're in for a completely predictable story which meshes most of the elements of "Romeo and Juliet" (romance between two people from warring families who hate each other for vague and trivial reasons that anybody with a life wouldn't give two shits about) with most of the elements of a Mills and Boon romance novel (guy meets girl / guy pesters girl annoyingly like a rapist until she relents and lets him into his life a little just to shut him the fuck up / girl discovers that she's falling for him probably due to a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome / they fuck / some dumb misunderstanding or communication breakdown that is ultimately trivial gets in the way and they break up / while apart they can't stop thinking about each other / they sort it out in the end via some weird contrived scheme and get back together).  The rear box art even admits as much, calling the film a "modern day Romeo and Juliet" and while also using every Mills and Boon cliche in the book:

makeyourmoveback

So you pretty much already know everything that's going to happen in the film just from reading the back of the box.  The only thing left to chance is, will they go for a traditional Shakespearian ending (everybody dies) or a Mills and Boon style ending (lovers are reunited)?  Well, this film is from squeaky-clean (at least on the outside) SM Entertainment so you can probably guess the answer to that one.  The plot is the number one problem with this film, it's just too predictable for words and if you haven't guessed every single major plot movement that happens in the entire film after about 10 minutes into it, you probably don't watch a lot of films in general - and who would blame you if they were all of this standard.

Appeal to dancefags: I'll be the first one to admit that I know nothing about dancing.  Derek's mainly tap-based moves do seem pretty impressive to my untrained eye though, and so does BoA's "I don't know what the fuck you call that but I suppose it looks alright" style as well as the rest of the dancing cast.  The Japanese drumming is a bit shit though, hitting a drum while waving your arms around and yelling a bit is actually pretty fucking basic (and that's something I do actually know about), but hey it might impress someone so whatever.  What's not so great about the film is the implementation of some of the dance - the main characters will on occasion go from dialogue into an obviously tightly-choreographed symbolic dance scene, but the script specifically plays it off as something spontaneous.  Witness (if you dare) the below scene where Derek's harrassment of BoA until she finally accepts his dinner date is played out with symbolic dance moves instead of dialogue:


It's all pretty cringeworthy, and sure it might interest a few people on some sort of technical dance level but it's certainly not interesting in any other aspect.  Also don't you love the moral lessons of this film?  "Guys, if she says no, she probably doesn't mean it so just keep annoying her until she eventually says yes" is basically what we're learning here.  Guys, this film is training you to be a typical rapey kind of douchebag, and girls, this film is teaching you that it's perfectly acceptable for guys to be pestering assholes who can't take no for an answer and that you should just deal with it because they're so nice once you get to know them really, and that your opinion doesn't matter - you owe them a chance to go out with you even if they're acting like dickheads, because they really like you, man.  Ugh.  This kind of creepy social conditioning via popular culture is about 13582796 times more offensive to me than any of the supposedly "offensive" posts on Anti Kpop-Fangirl because it's not satirical or tongue-in-cheek but sincere in intention and actually has an effect on the young audience that this sort of production is aimed at.  I could start a band called Admiral Niggerjew and the Rapecunting Faggot Bitches tomorrow and write a whole album of songs about the joys of oppressing women and minorities and it wouldn't be half as offensive or damaging to society as the subtext of the courtship dynamics in "Make Your Move"... that is, assuming anybody actually watched "Make Your Move".

Appeal to k-pop fans: so, how much actual k-pop content is in this thing, is it enough to make k-pop fans care?  Obviously BoA being in it is the big drawcard for k-poppers (or was supposed to be - oops), but there's no BoA songs at all except one that rolls over the end credits and BoA's character in the movie is a dancer, not a singer (just like the real BoA isn't that right vocalfags, p.s notice nobody cares).  TVXQ's Yunho makes an embarrassing cameo as a very awkward-looking dancer, and one of their songs is in the soundtrack somewhere, as well as Girls' Generation's "Cheap Creeper" and an English-language version of Henry's "Trap".   All of these songs appear quite briefly, and apart from those and the previously mentioned f(x) content, that's all you get.  You don't even get any of the iconic k-pop dancing - "Make Your Move" would have been the perfect movie to showcase it especially with BoA on board, but in the rare cases where k-pop is briefly danced to it's not by BoA and seemingly not using the original point choreography but new moves especially made for this film.  The k-pop connection is oddly completely wasted (it's not even mentioned that BoA's character is Korean until about the 45 minute mark), maybe the filmmakers were worried that going further into this area might have alienated audiences but I think not making a shit generic film should have been a more pressing concern.

Appeal to BoA fappers: BoA's hair and face look fantastic throughout and she's styled very flatteringly and from all the right angles at least from the shoulders up, which should please anyone who is here just to see BoA on the big screen and for no other reason (although for my money as far as pure fap value goes she's upstaged by Polish actress Izabella Miko as a secretary or whatever, who doesn't get nearly enough screen time).  From the neck down it's a different story - despite the camera being very kind to her, BoA has the disadvantage of constantly dressing like a frumpy hip-hop granny, all flowing Keith Richards hippy threads and boring hoodies instead of the kind of shit we'd rather see her wear.  Still, BoA fans are at least well catered for in the film's love scene which is another one of those comical metaphoric "spontaneous" choreographed dance-offs.


BoA fappers might as well just watch the above YouTube and forget all about the rest of the film, as it contains all the fap you're going to get... unless you're a sadist who also likes watching business turf wars where girls get strongarmed by irate guys in suits paranoid about getting the short end of a deal (which I guess is also something SM Entertainment would know all about).

Conclusion: Don't bother.  Yes, everybody was right and I should've listened, but hey at least I found out my own way and hopefully entertained you in the process... probably the most entertainment value anyone has so far extracted from this film.  It's honestly not absolutely horrible, just brain-thuddingly average and dumb.  I would have actually preferred "Make Your Move" if it was completely awful because then it would have at least been funny and that could have been really entertaining, but as it turns out it's just super-bland, a far worse crime.  I'd rather listen to The Shaggs than Nickelback.

Final score: 1.5 unconvincingly-thrown flashbangs out of 5.

boaend

Han Hye Jin Is Now Pregnant And I'm At A Crossroad

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This news got buried beneath the news of Kim Hyun Joong knocking up the chick he beat the shit out of. However, more importantly, I have been pondering whether she should still be my favorite, and after a week, I have found my answer.




I can't draw for shit, so the black half-circle is supposed to represent her baby bump. The red line is the strap that holds the pink dildo around her waist.

After much deliberation, I figure Han Hye Jin should remain as my favorite. Her being pregnant shouldn't turn me off. I have never jacked off to preggo porn, so this is kind of new to me. Hell, if Han Hye Jin is willing, we could start a new subgenre of porn: Hot Pregnant Asian Chicks Pegging White Dudes. This is like a reverse of a lot of pornos where white dudes fuck Asian chicks because Asian chicks are supposed to be "submissive". 


In the end, I couldn't say no to someone whose face is perfect and possesses some nice, juicy tits.

The February honours list

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The decadent Hollywood awards season is just about coming to a close as they all pat themselves on the back and give themselves more money. Awards seem to have greater value when they are only given out once a year, so I have decided to completely diminish their value by giving out monthly awards where I can praise the good, bash the bad, fap to the fappable, and generally do what I want. For the best and worst of each month, I will also add in runners-up so as not to piss anyone off by their favourite narrowly missing out. Enjoy my opinions. I know I will.


Best song

Runners-up

'0 (Young)' (Giriboy, Mad Clown, Jooyoung feat. No Mercy)

Starship have absolutely killed it this month with the ending of their elimination show "No Mercy" coming to a zenith of tension and quality of output. The most memorable of the challenges saw the trainees split into two groups and perform a song with established artists. This team won, so they got to release an MV for their song, which is a top quality banger. Mad Clown has definitely delivered better verses and Jooyoung hogs loads of lines, but there are two points that stand out for me in particular. The first is I.M's killer verse just after Mad Clown's confusing and pointless rap to start out the song. The other rapper (Jooheon) is considered superior to I.M, but if you only had this song to go by, there would be absolutely no contest. I.M has awesome presence, a sexy deep voice (for those who are attracted to voices) and has a big ass nose if you are into that. The other highlight is when the beat drops ever so slightly later than you expect as the chorus, which has all the makings of a trashy trap song, which it is, but it works in the best of ways. The other group got to release an MV, too, which is growing on me but couldn't do enough in a short time to usurp this.

'Interstellar' (Jooheon, Hyungwon, I.M feat. Yella Diamond)

I did say that Starship have been killing it. "Interstellar" edges "0 (Young)" because there is a greater focus on the rap and Jooyoung doesn't plaster himself all over it. Seriously, "0 (Young)" is amazing, but it sounds like a hip-hop song that had to grudgingly allow its singer friends to take part. Hyungwon's singing doesn't get in the way of the three rappers here. Admittedly, in this song, Jooheon is far superior to I.M (who commits the cardinal sin of referencing Hi Suhyun and their appalling debut single), but they both get rapped off the track by their producer and collaborator Yella Diamond. It is very reminiscent of "Control" in that regard aside from the fact that it is almost nothing like "Control." The video is also better because they are not even trying to pretend that it was filmed for any more than £4.00 and they got in some irrelevant (but very welcome) girls in space-age skintight suits to assist them. Of course, it would have been better if Sistar had been in the video (but not the song, Sistar's line of form has been poor), but what can you do? Would still jam to this.

Winner


'Black Swan' (Rainbow)

All sensible thinking people love "Black Swan." For most other groups, a song of this caliber would undoubtedly be the best they have ever done, but Rainbow are a rare case and "Black Swan" has "A" and "Sunshine" to compete with. The production on "Black Swan" is what makes it so outstanding. It is understated and fantastically paced (the weird slowdown for the rap break being an exception) with the gaps just before it drops into the chorus being a great idea as it lends the chorus far more impact when it comes in than it would otherwise have had. The song could also have done with an actual ending rather than just stopping at the end of the chorus, but I am willing to let it slide because everything else about it had been amazing. It is a universal truth that Hyunyoung looks best in Rainbow music videos, but Noeul comes a very close second this time with a makeover they should ensure she keeps. Of course, her and Yoonhye still get no lines because the other members are more talented/popular/attractive (according to general Korean standards) and Hyunyoung gets about half the lines, but if that means she is on screen for half the time, it is perfectly okay with me. Every other group needs to step up their game if this is the bar they have to reach this year.

Worst song

Runners-up


'Sniper' (Shinhwa)

There are a multitude of things wrong with "Sniper," chief of which is that Shinhwa's company is certain that they can rap. Another problem is that the production is simultaneously crowded and empty. These two issues work in conjunction with each other to make a truly terrible song. About half of the song is insufferably poor rapping, and the key vocal parts are often when the song slows down and gets intensely boring. The last chorus is, admittedly, enjoyable until they chuck another rap on it, which serves only to undo all of their hard work. I heard complaints that "Black Swan" doesn't really build to anything, but that is far truer for "Sniper," which actually decreases in intensity. Plus, even if you don't like "Black Swan" (because you are wrong and should feel bad), you can look at the unbelievably attractive people in front of you. Shinhwa have an average age of 87, so there really is no reason to prefer this to "Black Swan."

Rainbow 1-0 Shinhwa

'Lovekiller' (Niel feat. Dok2)

Before this song, I didn't like Niel, and I didn't like Dok2. I am so pleased that this song proved that my opinions continue to be objective truth. Whenever a group or a person I dislike does a new song, part of me wants to like it, and goddamn it, I tried with "Lovekiller." But it is just insanely boring. As soon as it starts, I want to skip through to see if anything will happen. It takes physical effort not to skip to halfway through the song (which is still bad but there are drums which make it 0.01% more interesting). Dok2 also turns up for a completely unnecessary verse that doesn't fit with the beat. Dok2 isn't the most talented rapper in the first place, so it is unfair to expect the poor child to be good on a beat that sounds like it was never supposed to have a rap anywhere near it. After the rap, they forgot to write a good segue into the final chorus, and then there is a terrible key change. This song is a train wreck, and it breaks my heart that it has won a music show.

Winner



'지키자카조코조' (Dok2)

I refuse to dignify this song with an argument for why it is bad. It should be wholly self-evident. Dok2 continues his baffling popularity. Beenzino is the best one on Illionaire, and he is the only one who isn't a CEO. I have listened to this song twice, and that is enough for life.

Fashion trend that I hope doesn't catch on


Sparkly Eyebrows

Okay so for those who haven't heard "Beautiful" by Kixs, you can be forgiven for it passing you by. I just caught it on 1theK's page. I think the song itself is really rather good and the video is mainly great because it has Goo Hara, and all things with Goo Hara are eternally worthwhile.
Proof
There is, however, one thing in this video that is not eternally worthwhile, and that is the disgusting thing that Kixs has done with his eyebrows. Considering he is a rookie, I doubt this will catch on, but if it becomes his defining fashion statement, then may God have mercy on us all. If G-Dragon had done it, then we would have to deal with sparkly eyebrows for the rest of our lives. This time we got off lucky.

Most improved


VIXX

I make no secret of the fact that I have not been a fan of a large part of VIXX's work. In all honesty, I kinda like "Voodoo Doll" and would rather listen to Apator than basically everything else in their back catalogue. Even VIXX fans complained about "Love Equation" so I was ready to unleash a tirade of hatred, and on first listen, I thought it was incredibly poor. But it was one hell of a grower. I don't think it is brilliant by any stretch of the imagination and the verses are way better than the chorus, but this is so much better than "Eternity" or "Error," hence why they get this proverbial wooden spoon of "most improved." The song would also be dead without Ravi as his rap in the first verse is the best bit by a country mile; the tone of his voice works very well with the production. I feel that I should hate this, but it really isn't too bad. Good job, I guess.


Most fappable fancam


This one

I probably could have just included any random fancam for this month. I ain't gotta write shit.

Worst title



too very so MUCH (MYNAME)

tHis tiTlE iS CaSE seNSITive.

Best song about menstruation


'Goodbye PMS' (Lizzy & Park Myungsoo)

I feel confident that this can be a monthly award. "Goodbye PMS" is kinda fun in the way that it sounds like the opening to a slice-of-life anime. Park Myungsoo is terrifying without being dressed up as a maniacal period, and the video is really confusing. It won a prestigious award from me; that's worth everything.

---

So there are the important February awards. If the winners want to drop round to my house to pick up their awards, then that is within their rights. They have earned it. Please applaud everyone for taking part.



Best of the Worst: March 5, 2015

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Yewon earned a new title this week: Nation's Punching Bag.


Please take out your minor frustrations on me
and then blame me for it.



No, really, I want you to scream at me.


Just call me Daddy.

[MV Review] FIESTAR - You're Pitiful

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Jeistar Fiestar have made their comeback with the mini album BLACK LABEL, and their lead single "You're Pitiful" is one of their best offerings yet.


YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED (unless you don't like Jei, in which case you will probably be severely disappointed)

If you've been paying attention to me and my recent slew of articles, you'll easily notice that I've become infatuated with Fiestar. More specifically, I've become infatuated with Jei. I won't get into the specifics, but fellow Jei fans will rejoice in the lavish attention that the MV has so graciously given her.

F L A W L E S S
This time around, Fiestar have elected for a more storyline-oriented MV with occasional sprinkles of choreography and closeups for flavor. It's been a while since I've reviewed an MV with a plot, even one sparse as this may be, so I found it slightly more interesting than its surface-level tropes may indicate. At first blush, you might think it's a standard "girl(s) break up with guy" kind of deal, but this goes a little deeper than that. Rather than sit around and mope about how sad they are without their ex, Fiestar stick a knife in their man's wound, twist it, and salt it for good measure with the lyrics and presentation. Just check out the chorus:
You’re so pitiful, more so than when you left me behind
So pitiful, over the past few months,
I’ve heard things are different for you now
You’ve become so small
You’re pitiful, no matter how hard you try,
You’ve changed so much
The way you talk, the way you look,
So unlike you, so weak
Damn. The MV follows a similar premise. The majority of the broody scenes are more contemplative in nature or devoted to the male lead, in this case some schmuck named Baek Sung Hoon. I dunno who he is, so he's probably not that big a deal. At any rate, the story of the breakup is told through a series of flashbacks conveniently labeled as such with different aspect ratios. Seriously. The MV goes through like 3 different sizes and it was really irritating to make gifs of this thing for that reason.

The action kicks off with Jei and her wonderful booty stumbling across a mysterious hole in the wall, and like anyone with a hole in their wall, she is curious as to what is on the other side. Lo and behold, for some reason, it leads to her boyfriend's apartment.


She spots him spotting her lipstick laying haphazardly on the floor where anyone could trip and fall and break their goddamn neck or something. Instead of being a good person/boyfriend and picking it up to put away, he instead...


...USES HER LIPSTICK. HOW DARE HE?? THAT SHIT'S EXPENSIVE SPONSOR PRODUCTS SHE'S SUPPOSED TO USE CAREFULLY AND REVIEW IN A SERIES OF WEB VLOGS...!! However, being the saint that she is, Jei doesn't get angry and instead chooses to gently talk to her boyfriend about not putting his filthy mitts on her things and sticking his disgusting manlips on her beauty products without permission.


Her boyfriend completely flips the fuck out, accusing her of being an uptight bitch. Why can't he use her shit too, he argues. Boys just want to feel pretty too, he says. Maybe he's right or maybe he's not, but he lays hands on her and THAT'S NEVER OKAY cause we inferior disgusting pigs in male clothing should ALWAYS love and treasure women. Tempers fly and he, in a fit of uncontrolled emotion, bursts out with the damning phrase that ends it all: "Fuck you, I AM gay! Why do you think we only had anal sex with you face down with a beanie on to cover up your long hair?"

Jei, being the strong independent woman she is, realizes her own self-worth and leaves the sham of a relationship behind. With a final letter to sum up her feelings, she moves on and leads a successful life inspiring millions of young girls all over the world.


Her ex does not take this very well, turning to drink to dull the pain. He becomes a raging alcoholic, squandering all of his money on cheap whiskey and shitty soju.


No one cares what happens to the stupid man in the end anyway, so all's well that ends well.

Truly Fiestar have come up with the best anthem of female empowerment of all time. By far. The song itself is just as good as its lyrical message. Similar to another "Black" comeback (*coughRainbowcough*), "You're Pitiful" is a minimally composed midtempo track written by Shinsadong Tiger and produced by a team named Batter #4. I dunno who they are, but they have done magical things for Fiestar. As an interesting side note, LE apparently has credits on this song as well. Clearly she and Batter #4 kept Shinsadong Tiger on track and helped him pump out another gem like "One More."

I really enjoyed the song at first listen, no growing necessary. Everything about the song just comes together really well, with no lagging parts or particularly bad segments. Particularly earwormy are the "geuttaen neon gab (Baby I don’t know Oh I don’t know) / nan eul (Baby I don’t know Oh I don’t know)" lines. The dragged out "gab" and "eul" are so hypnotizing...! And before anyone asks, yes, I thought Yezi's rap break was serviceable and they did a decent job of incorporating it into the song without lagging or making abrupt tempo shifts.

Though I dunno what this car has to do with anything...
Visually speaking, everyone is well-styled and look gorgeous. Of course, Jei and Linzy are head and shoulders above everyone else but that's not to say the other 3 are fuggo. There is a lot of ass focus in this MV, and the camerawork does nothing to hide this -- the choreography bits have plenty of dynamic zoom and low angles for those so-inclined to fap to a fine derriere.








Make sure you catch the live performances or the fapcams at least, this MV does not do the choreo justice. It's pretty well done, though I fear for the safety of the Fiestar members every time they go up on those chairs. Perching precariously on one of those things barefoot is pretty nervewracking on its own, let alone dancing in heels on them. Pray for their ankles if you are a true fan.

Like I mentioned earlier, the MV is really Jei-dominant. If you like her like I do, this MV is nothing but perfect for you. If you're a fan of the other members, Linzy for instance, you're going to be disappointed by how little they appear in this MV. Jei takes center for most of the choreo formations, has the most solo screentime, and the drama plot line stars her. Admittedly, Linzy doesn't get shafted quite as hard as the others, but still.

I do have one complaint though. Why the hell is there so much food in this MV? It's not even being eaten, it's all just props and artistic close-ups. Seriously, we do not need to give 5 seconds of the MV to a shot of a can of peanuts when we could give it to the other girls in dire need of time, aka Cao Lu or Hyemi or Yezi.

Someone clean that mess up!!
TL;DR:
"You're Pitiful" is probably the most flawless release of the year thus far, and you'd be quite pitiful indeed if you snooze on it.

+:

  • JEI
  • LINZY
  • everyone else looks good too
  • choreo is pretty nice
  • butt focus for ass men and women all over the world
  • "interesting" story line MV
-:
  • anyone not named Jei is starving for screen time
  • why so many food clips
I give this a 4.5 out of 5. I also highly recommend the rest of the Black Label mini album. It's really damn good.

The 1st Annual Kpop Hunger Games

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The opening field.

Not too far into the future a great calamity overtook the world of Kpop. After years of extremely bland, derivative songs and poorly written articles a great battle was fought. After years of harsh fighting, most of Kpop was completely destroyed except for a few groups who went into hiding and several blog authors. Eventually those groups came out of hiding and were split into 12 districts. As punishment for their transgressions each district is mandated to send 2 representatives or tributes to a fight to the death with only one person emerging victorious.

This is a recap of how the first ever Kpop Hunger Games played out.

(Please note, this is entirely random so don't accuse me of stacking the results.)




The Bloodbath





The Bloodbath, appropriately named because it's usually the bloodiest day of all played out surprisingly tame. I was surprised to see that only Taeyeon was killed by Hwayoung. Several interesting team ups are happening. Layla, Sohyunna, and Jimin have teamed up as well as the all female team of Areum, Fany Pack, Soyeon, and Yuna. G Dragon and Lime have run off together while Sica was able to overpower Boram. All in all Day 1 was interesting not because of who died but rather who teamed up.

Day 1




The first full day of the Kpop Hunger Games saw several interesting developments. A couple contestants had close calls including Way and Soyeon Friend. Kpopalypse appears be playing a defensive game as he constructs himself a shack. Boram, suffering some kind of mental break begs Layla to kill her but Layla refuses. Meanwhile Fany Pack stalks Zaku while Alice, Jimin, and Soyeon appear to have teamed up. Two contestants have received sponsor gifts, Han Ye Seul Fag and Areum.

Day 1 (Night)


The first night started off with a bang as G-Dragon sets off a bomb killing PTS Sr, kpopalypse, TOP, and Soyeon. Most of the other contestants have teamed up to get through the night. Han Ye Seul Fag was killed in the night from hypothermia while Areum cries herself to sleep. Zaku tells Lime, Jimin, and Way a ghost story while Layla, Chorong, and Bomi anticipate what will happen tomorrow. Soyeon Friend has another close call but he and Yuna decide to make a truce for now.

Day 2




Day 2 had two casualties as Soyeon Friend kills Hwayoung and Lime kills Bomi. Fany Pack and Jimin play it safe while G-Dragon fights Way but spares her life. Layla steals supplies from Sohyunna while he isn't looking.

Several cannon shots can be heard in the distance.

Current standings.

Day 2 (Night)


The second night saw G Dragon meet his demise at the hands of Way. I was surprised GD was killed as he seemed like one of the stronger contestants. Meanwhile, the rest of the contestants gather in three groups to talk about the next morning.

Day 3



Day 3 had several more deaths as Layla kills Chorong, Jimin accidentally kills herself by drinking poison intended for Choa, and Fany Pack's trap kills Boram. Areum receives a sponsored gift while Sica builds a shack and Soyeon Friend spends the day hiding.

Day 3 (Night)


That night Choa kills Lime in a hand to hand fight while Yuna comes close to mental break. The other contestants huddle around their fires.

Day 4


Day 4 had one death as Soyeon Friend sets off a bomb killing Way. A team of Sica, Yuna, Alice, and Choa raid Zaku's camp while he is hunting. Meanwhile Fany Pack daydreams of home.

Current standings.

Day 4 (Night)



The fourth night saw Zaku meet his death as he is killed by a bomb set off by Choa. Meanwhile Fany Pack, Sica, Layla, and Yuna make a camp together while Alice dies alone of hypothermia.

Day 5


The next day, Soyeon Friend eats tainted food from Layla and dies while Sica and Choa fight but Sica spares her life. Sohyunna receives supplies from a sponsor while Fany Pack hides in the bushes.

Day 5 (Night)


The games appear to be almost complete as only 3 contestants get through the night. Layla kills Sica, Fany Pack, Choa, and Areum with a bomb.

Day 6


Day 6 ends with only two contestants left as Yuna kills Sohyunna...

Day 6 (Night)


And Layla ends up killing Yuna with a hatchet, becoming the winner of the 1st Annual Kpop Hunger Games.


The Final Standings


I hope you all enjoyed the Games!

How to be a fan of a Korean pop idol

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Being a fan of a Korean pop idol might be something for which you require guidelines.

For this tutorial, you will need:

eunjungbrai2n

Let's begin.


1.  Select your k-pop idol

eunjungbbb

Select a k-pop idol.  Eunjung has been chosen here for illustrative purposes, but any idol will do, it really doesn't matter.  Every idol has at least a few fans, so your choice is unlikely to be an issue for anybody.  The choices are nearly endless!  You could even choose someone like CL or G-Dragon if you really wanted.

2.  Note any characteristic features of your chosen k-pop idol

idolfig2

Study their features carefully.  This will help you identify your selected k-pop idol from others in k-pop group lineups, or when they are wearing different clothing and makeup from what you're used to, this could save you embarrassment later.  For practice, look at the picture in Fig. 2 and see if you can find the k-pop idol in Fig. 1 above.  If you're not sure, clicking the image will show you the answer.

3.  Listen to the music of your selected k-pop idol

jiyeonheadphone

It's important for music fans to listen to the music of their favourite artists.  You'd be surprised how many people skip this important step and prefer to natter about k-pop on forums all day without even listening to the fucking songs.  So why not try it?  If your idol is in a group, you may not be able to tell at which times they are singing (unless they're 2NE1's Bom or AOA's Jimin), but don't worry - often neither can they.  Just listen to the music, and enjoy it - or not.

4.  Watch videos featuring your chosen k-pop idol

eunjfilm

K-pop is a visual medium as much as it is an auditory one, so watching music videos is especially important.  Music videos also help you keep up with your idol's latest look.  Aside from regular promotional music videos, there are also live TV appearances and fancams, and if you're really lucky your idol will also get on regular TV shows that you could watch.  However don't watch anything with "teaser" in the title, these short segments contain virtually nothing and are a waste of your valuable time.  Also don't forget to install Adblock Plus!  Don't feel bad about blocking YouTube's annoyingly intrusive advertising - unless they're Psy, your idol has a shit contract which ensures that they'd be lucky to afford an ice cream with the amount of annual YouTube revenue that actually goes into their pocket.

5.  Interact with a fan community and discuss your idol

qriocm

There are many fan forums and communities on the Internet that discuss k-pop, full of members who also like your chosen idol.  If your idol is well-known, they might even have a dedicated fan community just for them, which is a great place to get new information about your idol... but watch out!  Several fan community members and even moderators and admins can sometimes be batshit crazy insane obsessive-compulsive fucksticks from hell.  Look out for this extremist element and keep your distance, as their inane caterwauling and blowing out of proportion of insignificant matters can easily ruin the entire k-pop idol experience for you.

6.  See your idol in person and take photographs or video

hyocamera

If it's possible, why not meet your idol?  Don't forget to take your camera so you can record the moment for posterity, however don't get so caught up in the technicalities of equipment that you forget to experience the actual moment that you're recording.  Meeting your idol will also be educational because while you're there, you'll also see other people who also want to meet your idol, and you'll notice that these people do not always behave rationally.  Identifying irrational behaviour will help you with the next point.

7.  Stay calm - your idol is an employee, not your long-lost friend


eunjungoffi

There are some important practical matters to remember when following an idol.  The first one is that idols aren't allowed to tell you off or slap you in the head for acting like a spasticated fucking retard fuck in front of them (although their security might).  When you come to a fanmeet and shove the same thing in their face to sign that they've already signed for the 550 people before you in the queue, or bail them up at the airport when they just want to get on the plane and get the only sleep that they'll be getting that day during the two-hour flight, they have to act happy about it and be nice to you even while you're screaming in their ear like a little cunthole.  They also have to smile and wave a lot and pretend to notice you at concerts, be nice on TV even when other people are being rude to them (or else), and so on, because it's their job.  Maybe they like it, or maybe not, but until they leave the k-pop industry and write that tell-all memoir, you won't know either way.  In the meantime, if you really like them and really are a fan, act like it and be cool so there is less stress for everybody concerned.  Don't be like this person:


Acting like a spasticated retarded fucking bitch in public will upset your idol as well as everyone else around you, and could even lead to you being held up to contemptuous ridicule by snarky and condescending Internet bloggers.

8.  If your idol is a bit of a douche sometimes, relax - this is normal

eunjpinkcar

It's good to remember when following your idols that they are usually young and with youth comes cultural inexperience, which is then exacerbated further by their environment.  When someone enters the k-pop music industry at a really young age, many of the personal freedoms and opportunities for personal growth that other people their age take for granted no longer exist for them.  Leisure time, education, access to the Internet and even access to family members (and thus parental guidance) are either removed completely or at the very least highly restricted, replaced with constant work and music business culture (i.e organised crime).  The combination of youth and such a strictly closeted environment creates a situation where people don't get a chance to grow up normally.  Lack of life experience and cultural knowledge may cause your idol to misuse social networking, say ignorant statements on TV (because they are ignorant), and generally respond in a dumb, uneducated way to many things.  The k-pop system is designed to turn kids into machines of pristine malleability, not educated, culturally aware, intelligent young men and women.  Underneath it all they're just teenagers and young adults with the same flaws as everybody else, amplified by an environment where they have zero autonomy and little opportunity to emotionally mature.  This is why while it's definitely okay to like your idol, it's not smart to look to them as a role model.  It's possible that your favourite idol might be even dumber and less experienced in life than you are.  If you don't place your idol on a massive pedestal, you'll feel a lot less let down when they inevitably say or do something stupid or that you disapprove of.

9.  Remember most idols don't make their own decisions - about anything

You may find the following video at 3:08 helpful to understand how autonomous idols are allowed to be.  Hayana from nugu k-pop group EvoL doesn't even know what she's meant to be doing on the music video set, because nobody's shared with her this information.  She's just been told to stand there and wait, and obviously anything else is shared with her on a "need-to-know" basis only.  Then the video director gets her to do some ass-shaking thing, which she's unprepared for and actually seems highly embarrassed by:


Fangirls might look at the final music video that the shoot is for and think "oh, what a slut", but the appearance of positive, fun-loving autonomous sexuality in the MV is an illusion created by the editing process - Hayana did the ass-shake simply because she was told to.  Now watch the same video from 19:05:
Are you allowed to go out and party?
We're actually not allowed to go out.
It sounds like when you sign the contract, you're theirs.  They own you, right?
Yeah, they own us.
It's a lot of sacrifice, isn't it?
Yeah.
I'm going to stop asking you questions because you might get in trouble I think.
For someone who is a huge star it would be different, their added market traction would make them an asset and give them the power to call their own shots, but that would be the 0.1% at the absolute top of the tree.  The majority of k-pop situations would be like EvoL's at the time the above video was made.  Remember this when your idol does something that you dislike - they may not have had any choice.

10.  Enjoy the k-pop idol fan experience

K-pop should always be a positive experience for everybody involved, so don't forget to enjoy yourself!

qrifire

Fiestar Release Official Fapcam Compilation Version of You're Pitiful, LOEN is GOAT

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Perhaps in an attempt to cash in on a fat Hani-esque fapcam popularity boost, LOEN Entertainment has put together an official compilation (or cumpilation if you're so inclined) of the best fapcams of You're Pitiful to date.





It's a beautiful thing, lovingly edited with the best angles of each dance move for maximum titillation and minimal risk of epilepsy. Seriously, you'd think a project like this would be spammed with T-ara like cuts and flashing and all sorts of seizure-inducing whiplash, but thankfully, whoever worked on it knows the target demographic (aka average joes like you or I, people lookin for fap material, and Fiestar fans, not avant garde art house critics). The best part is, they make sure to give credit to all the fapcammers they stole used footage from, so everyone's happy.

Fiestar gets more exposure, fapcammers get more notoriety and possibly more traffic to their Youtube channels or personal websites, and everyone gets to rake in sweet Youtube dollars. Okay, the Youtube money is prolly gonna be pretty shit, but at least it's something... I hope this explodes so Fiestar makes it big and maybe other companies will be inspired to use their interns for something more productive than "extensive research," if you know what I mean. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

After all, all it took was SISTAR19's Ma Boy practice video blowing up for everyone else to jump on the "Official Dance Practice Ver." bandwagon. You can help do your part to make Fiestar the pioneers of the "Official Fapcam Compliation Ver." bandwagon!!

[AKF Interview] Fei's Secret To Having A Fappable Body

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I read this article from Soompi about Fei's secret to having a toned body, and knew that I wanted to interview her to get the truth from her. Fei was kind enough to grant me this interview, knowing that this week, my spring break, was the only chance I would have to interview her before I had to enlist in the military.

AKF: Fei, thank you for visiting me in my mom's basement.

Fei: You're welcome. It's not as if I had any schedules, anyway.

AKF: That is a shame. Maybe miss A will have a comeback by the time I return from the military, but let's not hold our breath.

Fei: I'll probably have been on 35 different variety shows by the time miss A has a comeback.

AKF: I read that you do 200 sit-ups a day. How do you find the motivation to do that? I don't even think I did 200 sit-ups last year, unless you count the act of me laying on my bed while watching TV and bringing my torso up to get into a fapping position as a sit-up. If so, then I did at least 365 sit-ups last year.

Fei: Honestly, Suzy is my inspiration. I don't want to be a fucking disgusting slob like she is. That bitch is a fat whore.

AKF: What makes you say that about Suzy? I'm sure she's not that fat.

Fei: Believe me, AKF. That fat bitch wears a corset under her clothes every day that she has activities. She's fatter than Shindong.

AKF: That is great inspiration. I would also like to say that your abs do look great. I would lick them.

Fei: Thanks?

AKF: Forgive me. I'm a 45-year-old man who has never had sex, let alone touch a girl in a sexual manner. That is why I developed so many personalities over the years and let them manifest through this site. One of my alter egos, HanYeSeul_Fag, is a sex-crazed mother fucker who gets action all the time and his favorite sexual activity is to get pegged. I would give anything in the world to even be pegged by a girl. Then I have two other personalities, Soyeon Friend and Fany Pack, who are married. We all know I'll never get married, so I have to pretend that I'm married and shit.

Fei: That does sound very pitiable. I think you can be an influence like Suzy. Men around the world can aspire to not be like you and they can actually muster up the courage to ask girls out instead of fapping in their mom's basement for eternity.

AKF: You know Fei, you're being a bitch. I was trying to give you some spotlight here.

Fei: I'm just trying to help your faggot ass out. Stop being a bitch and spending all day answering ask.fm questions under your Kpopalypse account, being a vocalfag under your akisame account, writing about pegging under your HanYeSeul_Fag account, jacking off to Thai shemales under your Soyeon Friend account, writing about how hot Hyun Bin's cock is under your Fany Pack account, spazzing about Seohyun and stealing pics of some random Vietnamese dude and posting them to an Instagram account under your Zaku account, writing about communism under your Sohyunna account, talking about One Piece and Tiffany under your PTS Sr. account, dreaming about Dok2 under your Krakenoid/maknae account, being a lesbian under your WTFisastarship account, pretending to be black under your The Duchess account so that you can say "nigger" whenever you want, acting like you're going to go to medical school under your Shinbi account, writing about how Seungyeon is your waifu under your Ahjussi account when you're never going to have a wife, and lastly, writing about sniffing buttholes under your sulli_fag account.

If you actually got a life, cleaned your ass up a little bit, you wouldn't be a 45-year-old man who has never even grabbed any girl's tits. The first thing your bitch ass needs to do is to do 200 sit-ups a day to get rid of that beer gut.

Kpop scientists discover Sunhwa expanded 17% wider becomes Tiffany


How Much Jizz Has Been Fapped to 'Paradise Lost'?

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My suggestion for Gain's new logo.
Professor Soyeon here, who has all the answers in life, particularly when those questions are, "Just how much jizz has been fapped to various Kpop videos." In my last installment we tackled 'Wiggle Wiggle' and today we're going to take a look at Gain's new single, 'Paradise Lost'.




I'm willing to bet the semen trail could stretch from Jacksonville to Miami.
Rather than reiterate the scientific procedures I used from the last experiment, I'm just going to jump in and get right to it. If you're curious what methods I use, please check out my last installment which offers a detailed analysis where I carefully follow the scientific method to reach my perfectly valid conclusion. The gist of what you need to know however is that the average male ejaculates roughly a teaspoon of semen or about .02 cups. From that simple fact we can extrapolate a whole host of information! Whoa, math! To provide a simply comparison across the various installments of this series I will also be measuring against a standard 5 gallon bucket. 

As of this article approximately 1,204,742 people have watched, "Paradise Lost". We are again assuming that half of those views are male and that half of those males whipped out their dicks and pinched some out to this video. Well, actually since this video is even hotter than, "Wiggle Wiggle" we're going to say 3/4ths of the males who watched this fapped to it. So half of 1,204,742 is 602,371 and 75% of that is 451,778.
Hard at work... For you.
Again, the average male ejaculates approximately .02 cups of semen. By using our knowledge of math we can definitely say that 9,035 cups of semen have been ejaculated to, "Paradise Lost". 
Paradise Lost? More like Semen Lost! LOL!!
I already used the joke about "all-purpose" I think.

If you remember from our last experiment, "Wiggle Wiggle" only gave us a piddly 1,137 cups of semen which is barely enough to bake cookies with. "Paradise Lost" however is in an entirely other galaxy of semen spillage with nearly 10 times as much. It is also worth noting when I analyzed "Wiggle Wiggle" it had been out a day longer than "Paradise Lost" has been out now.


The final part of our experiment is to see how many 5 gallon buckets of semen we can fill with this. There are 16 cups in a gallon or 80 cups in a 5 gallon bucket. By using the Large Hardon Collider I have deduced that that this videos semen contents can fill roughly 113, 5 gallon buckets. 

See. We provide an educational service.
Now, the last time I did this experiment a bunch of people said they were triggered by the fact that I didn't include any information on female ejaculation in relation to our little study. So, in an effort to assuage all beliefs that I'm sexist, I went ahead and included information for our female readers.

It was a bit difficult to track down concrete information on female ejaculation or squirting particularly how much is ejaculated. I did manage to find this, however:
"I have heard claims that highly-sexed women can produce litres of fluid in a single orgasm. This seems very unlikely – after all, where could such an amount be stored in the female body?
More realistic is the estimate of Beverley Whipple, American sex guru and co-author of the original G-spot book. At a recent conference, she told me that in most cases, the amount of fluid secreted is usually around 'half a coffee cupful'."
Now a standard coffee cup, in the US at least, is 6 oz so we're going with the assumption that the average female would have squirted out, like a little scared squid, roughly 3 oz. If we go back to our numbers and do some quick math, considering how many watched and how many schlicked we come to 301,186 girls who done touched themselves. That in turn comes to 903,558 ounces or 7,059 gallons or 1,411 5 gallon buckets! Still far off from an Olympic sized swimming pool but much closer than the guys.

Well, I believe that's all for now. I hope this has been educational.

Until next this is Professor Soyeon signing off.

Best of the Worst: March 12, 2015

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Hello again, friends, haters and social misfits! The week was a standout one for Clara. She avoided a lawsuit with advertisers, the CEO of Polaris Entertainment was arrested, and she released this book:


Available at a grocery checkout near you


  • Ailee's a WHORE for new sexy photoshoot. After that nude pix leak, girl should have known she can't ever take off her clothes again. That's her punishment for someone leaking her private photos to the world.


It's a beautiful day to be alive!

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Spread the news! World peace can be had!

[MV Review] Stellar - Fool

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Another Sweetune release by the controversial butt-scratching milk-bathing nugu-turned-nutbuster girl group Stellar. But does it live up to their last three solid feature tracks?

The song is boring.

Gayoung's fugly yellow and blue sweater aside, the girls look good. They've put a fair amount of (mainly Minhee centered) sexy shots in there, too, despite what they said about dropping the sexy concept this time around. But somehow, this is not up to the fappability standards we've come to expect from a Stellar MV. It's because the intention here isn't to arouse — it's to annoy.

A good way to burn your hands. Don't try this at home, or you won't be able to fap.

... And that's really all there is to Stellar - Fool. No good song or fap material to be found here, just a thinly disguised gentle "fuck you" to haters and a general trolling of many different groups. And it does a brilliant job at upsetting people, from prudes to fans of the group who are missing the entire point to horny motherfucking bitch ass idiots.
commenter 1: What the fk is this bulllshit, i love sexy slutty concept and NOW they fking GAVE into virgins that have no sexuality biitching and moaning. and now look. ITS MEH AS FK; commenter 2: Stfu. You're an idiot. A horny motherfucking bitch ass idiot.
Is this just another way of calling someone a fool?

It's unusual to see open criticism of the public at all in kpop, let alone a parody of comments by haters. Yet here are some that made their way into an MV.

Even the dislike bar has been exaggerated so much.


ASStellar!!
I'm doing a perfectly good job of trying to Stella court
WTF! how did i not know about such good porn?
Also exposed ass?!? Moldy ...
Ex Ana inki take off with?

Queue comments about the name ASStellar not working because they don't have any ass to show off anyway. The typical AKF response would be a picture of a "real" ass, but I'm not enough of an ass to embed it and ruin things for everyone, so if you want to see it here you go.

If only Jisoo had turned her accusations into candy jelly love, too.

I don't know whether this strategy will pay off for them, but I don't care because I found the video and the reactions to it funny. Just a shame about all the other aspects.

Summary
Song: 3/10
Styling/concept: 7/10
Fappability: 4/10
Trolliness: 9/10
Minhee fanservice: 9/10
Hyoeun murderousness: 2/10
Overall: 4/10
Not even mute and fap — just mute and watch.

Bonus: shittyqualitygifs for fap purposes (OK, I lied, maybe there was some good fap material here and there, just not the MV as a whole)

False advertising: The frightening truth of 'Unpretty Rapstar'

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For lack of anything better to do with my life, I have been watching "Unpretty Rapstar." It came in the aftermath of being late to the party of watching "Show Me the Money 3," as I thought it would be interesting to see a show that focused more on female MCs because you could predict most of the finalists for "SMTM3" from many miles away. It has been a pretty decent show with plenty of smack talking to keep things spicy. However, I am frankly disgusted that the show has lied to me with its title. If a show is called "Unpretty Rapstar," I expect to see horrifically unattractive people spitting super hot fire but it seems that me and a Korean broadcasting station differ on our views on what the show should have been about. Not only do they not always spit hot fire, but some of them are also decidedly un-unpretty. Due to this absolute travesty of nomenclature, I have made a countdown of the original eight cast members regarding who best fits the phrase "unpretty rapstar" with the unprettiest being at No. 8 and the person with the greatest disregard for the integrity of the naming of TV shows at No. 1. As my hip-hop sisters say, Leggo.




No. 8


Jolly V

Jolly V is not only the unprettiest, but she is also one of the best rappers, which makes her a perfect fit for the TV show. Aside from having a big face (a major downside in Korea for some reason or another), she has a voice that is deeper than every single member of BtoB, B2ST, BIGBANG, Block B, Bigstar, BTS, Boyfriend, Boys' Republic, and any other group whose name begins with B.


Just because she is the anointed one who fits the criteria of the title best doesn't make her exempt from making terrible music as this single proves. However, on the show and "SMTM3," her rapstar qualities are undeniable. There isn't a whole lot to say here; she ain't pretty, and she is a good rapper. She is the only one who is undeniably made for the purpose of this show.

No. 7


Lil Cham

Lil Cham was another one who seemed to get the memo. She looks pretty frightening most of the time, and her raps are usually about violent sex or summat (idk I went by what she said about herself in her introduction because she has been an uninteresting and pretty terrible participant on the show). You know what isn't pretty? Forgetting your lyrics. It is thanks to people such as Lil Cham that the show is able to retain even a shred of credibility: Whereas other contestants have been consistently brilliant rappers who remember their lyrics and generally do things correctly, Lil Cham forgets lyrics, writes shit lyrics, and dances in a manner that you can call anything but pretty . Not to mention the fact that she goes to Yonsei University; nothing says "unpretty" like being a nerd and ripping off students. A real class act, Lil Cham and Jolly V are the top tier of Unpretty Rapstars; bow down before them. Everyone else is just filler.

BONUS: According to her Twitter, she is "No Saint No Angel," which acts as a piece of foreshadowing to someone far higher up on the list who didn't unpretty herself before joining the show. Lil Cham be throwing shade all over the place.

No. 6


Cheetah

Cheetah is undoubtedly the best rapper on "Unpretty Rapstar." No one has ever attempted to deny this, and if they did, they were hilariously wrong. Despite this, she has lost to Jimin twice because of major help from above and San E busting a nut anytime Jimin walks into the room. But I digress, she has also been consistently engaging in unpretty actions such as swearing and confusing the fuck out of Kangnam from M.I.B. She is easily much more attractive than the previous two people, which did lose her points but she is doing all she can to make up for that by being violent and pugnacious. That's all we can really ask of her short of getting plastic surgery to make it look like her face is 8 feet wide so that she can keep up with Jolly V.

She even unprettied herself up a bit.

Cheetah understands how hair works on the patented "Pretty scale." Short-ish hair (let's say just under shoulder length) is seen to be cute, which has greater connotations of "pretty" than Cheetah's current "boyish" look, which in combination with her on fleek make-up, would make most people back down. As you can see, she has always looked fierce, but she wanted to take it to the next level by lopping her locks off. Cheetah definitely put in the most effort to be a part of "Unpretty Rapstar," but she can't compete with the god-given talent of Jolly V and Lil Cham.

No. 5


Jessi

I don't think anything says "unpretty" quite like terrifying and intimidating people. If there is anything that all my years of wallowing in my own filth has taught me, it is that. I was going to put Jessi behind Cheetah because of how much everyone on the show seems to hate her, but unfortunately she loses points because she is really fucking hot outside of the show.

Her reaction faces are also pure gold.

However she claws her way to a safer place on the list for a large number of reasons, first and foremost being her weird honking sound that Kisum picked up on. Seriously, that sounds like a shittier version of Kanye's trademark scream and earned her a large number of unpretty points. Then there was this train wreck of an occasion where she whines about the fact that she was voted worst on the last mission and asks the question "Who are you to judge me?" (Hint: Part of the last mission was judging each other.) Don't get me wrong, whining can be cute, and cute is relatively synonymous with pretty. But as soon as the phrase "I'll slap a bitch if I have to" is wheeled out, whining stops being pretty and starts being incredibly confrontational. Also Jessi mainly raps in English, which means that armies of Koreaboos find her much less pretty than the other cast members because English is so ugly and has lost all meaning and Korean is really 예쁜. However this actually made her prettier because Koreaboos are fuckboys, a damn shame for her as that is not entirely her fault. Still, she would have been at Jolly V's level if not for the fact that she has the capability to be hot.

No. 4


Yook Jidam

The above gif shows Yook Jidam trying to fit in and be as unpretty as possible. The inescapable fact is that Yook Jidam is a schoolgirl, and due to the prevalence of anime neckbeards on the Internet, we now all believe schoolgirls to be totally cute. As we discussed earlier, cute and pretty are basically synonymous, so here we are: Yook Jidam has ended up at No. 4. In all honesty, I think she fits the definition of the show rather well, and it is just unfortunate that Jessi threatened to murder everyone's family because Jidam doesn't deserve to be associated with the unholy trinity of the top 3 who shit all over the premise of the show. It isn't even as if Jidam doesn't try. She growls like she eats gravel for breakfast, she dresses really fucking weirdly (as the above image shows) and she generally seems really, really angry when she raps. Until she gets out of high school, though, she has to stay at No. 4.



Also, she does post a fair number of selcas that keep her unprettiness below that of Jessi's. If Jessi put out any selcas, they would just be pictures of her next to some innocent children she massacred. That shit ain't pretty; why the fuck would you do that Jessi? Jidam may not fit the concept of the show, as well, but at least she hasn't torn a household apart.

No. 3

Jimin

I bet you were expecting Jimin to be the worst of the worst, as far away from the unpretty end of the spectrum as possible. Well to be perfectly honest, none of these next three people should even be considered a legitimate part of the show anymore because it comes down to personal taste as to which one of them is the most shamefully un-unpretty. I don't know how much I will achieve by insulting the top three considering they are so close in terms of how little they fit the show. I guess I should have used the word "rapstar" as the yardstick for where they go from here, but I haven't been putting too much focus on that from the start. For the record, Jimin has been pretty mediocre throughout but somehow wins because San E has a raging boner for her (as do I, but I digress). I don't really know how much else I can say. I am too disgusted, so will just post a picture of Jimin forgetting what the fucking show was supposed to be about.

What the fuck are you doing Jimin?

No. 2

Tymee

Tymee is probably the most attractive contestant on "Unpretty Rapstar." What keeps her from the dreaded No. 1 spot is the fact that she is nearly 30, which brings her further away from being a schoolgirl and thus further away from being cute, thus being less pretty (my logic is impeccable). She has also been having an ongoing fight with Jolly V, which I guess also contributes in some way, shape, or form. Since the show is based on battle rapping, Jolly V usually seems to be doing better,but if it is just a straight rap, Tymee has definitely been superior. Jolly V goes harder in the battle rap because she is resentful of the fact that Tymee has been allowed on the show despite not fitting the definition at all. I would be exceptionally angry, too. The show is called "Unpretty Rapstar," and they allow people like Tymee on in a desperate bid to boost ratings because the producers are hoping she will chainsaw Jolly V's beanie off. Tymee's inclusion shows flagrant disregard for any integrity that these fat cat TV producers pretended to have. I'm going to write an angry letter, so whilst I do that, have these pictures of Tymee to get your blood boiling.

IT'S CALLED UNPRETTY RAPSTAR YOU SHIT

DID YOU EVEN READ THE FUCKING INVITE?

No. 1


Kisum

I could not be more livid about this. In no way is Kisum unpretty. What were these uneducated producers thinking? Even when she completely destroys Jessi I don't feel she is making an effort to be unpretty. This just shows how she disregards the show that people worked so hard to invent a concept for. Maybe for her audition, she turned up with a prosthetic nose and chin so that she could be a stowaway on the show for the sake of publicity. Maybe her Cheetah mother didn't teach her about the perfect length for pretty hair because Kisum has fallen within the boundaries of pretty hair, which builds up the case against her appearance on the show. Doesn't she realise that there are unpretty rapstars who need the publicity more than she does? This is very cross-making; why couldn't she have just played by the rules? In its current state, the show is not delivering what it said it would, and Kisum must be treated as the main perpetrator. Shame on you.

-------

In case people are wholly devoid of understanding irony, I am very much enjoying "Unpretty Rapstar," even if Jimin isn't nearly as good as her track record makes her out to be. Peace and love to you all.





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