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Kpopalypse Nugu Alert Episode 8: Icycider, K-Trance, APLUS

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Yes that's right it's back again, the k-pop video series that you love to hate to love:

bestienugu copy

Kpopalypse is going back into nuguland to check out some more nugus!

This episode's theme is drugs.  Everyone I speak to says that drugs aren't really much of a thing in the k-pop business, but I'm calling bullshit on that.  If you ask me Bumkey's arrest is just the tip of the iceberg and there's a wealth of dealing, using and abusing going on underneath k-pop's squeaky-clean surface.  I've discussed why I believe this in previous posts, but what I haven't done yet is throw down on any likely culprits.  We all known about Bom's unusual diet and Daniel's business on the side, but what about the ones who haven't been caught yet?  If there really is a wealth of drugs being traded in the k-pop scene, doesn't that mean that nugus would also frequently encounter drug use?  With this question in mind, I scoured my nugu vaults and came up with three videos that I believe show extreme drug influence.

A quick disclaimer before we begin:

gradongweed

Okay, now that's sorted, let's get on with the business of showing you some completely fucking drugged-out nugu k-pop music videos.


Icycider - Jjangga (Chan Song)





Icycider have quite a few music videos (the one above is just the most popular one I could locate) and they're all pretty much the same, i.e completely FUBAR.  The songs in most of them are delivered by a cartoon character, in this case the singer is a guy with blue skin (a known drug side-effect), a penis on his head that gets erect, who is also crying and seems to have trouble with mobility and keeping his balance.  The song's also rather good, which of course makes drug use even more likely, as any rocker worth their weight in E strings cites drugs as a songwriting influence.  Just to hammer the point home, there's a tambourine that looks suspiciously like an opium poppy with eyes when it's zoomed up on at 0:28.  Even if I'm wrong about the opium poppy and that's not a deliberate drug reference, did it ever occur to you during school band practice to draw eyes on a fucking tambourine?  Of course it fucking didn't, and that's because you're not anywhere near as drug-fucked as these guys probably are.  

YouTube views at time of writing: 18142  
Notable attribute: even in a cartoon drawing Korean groups still mostly can't get their placement of the Shure Super 55 right  
Nugu Alert rating: average


K-Trance - Hey Hey





Hey hey this song is honestly decent, and hey hey these people are probably taking a lot of fucking drugs.  The video has a clearly identifiable Primal Scream/My Bloody Valentine look to it and those are two groups which pretty much made getting fucked up their manifesto, so I think it's a pretty safe bet that the "trance" part of "K-Trance" isn't just a musical reference.  All that annoying fucking around with the video colours and saturation levels is a "early 90s English LSD casualty group" signature and only the most drug-shittingcomatose-on-the-floor artists back then actually thought that fucking nonsense was a good visual choice.  Then there's the music which is distorted and bass-heavy yet dreamy, melodic and spacious, the perfect accompaniment to curling up in a foetal position on the floor of a nightclub toilet sweating and drooling after a bad combination of ecstasy and methamphetamine cut with too much baking soda.  Of course I wouldn't know anything about that kind of thing firsthand but something tells me that K-Trance might, hey hey.  

YouTube views at time of writing: 8643  
Notable attribute: female singer might actually be cute but the colours are so fucked nobody can tell
Nugu Alert rating: high


APLUS - Again & Again





On the other hand, I have no reason to believe that anybody in APLUS imbibe in any kind of illicit substances, they all seem like squeaky clean mature girls who got their inner dope-smoking crystal-meth-sniffing wild-child out of their system fifteen years ago.  The people behind the scenes who created this monstrosity, on the other hand, are all clearly ripped off their tits.  Things start off badly with tons of annoying strobing and blurriness for no particular reason, which then continues on and off all throughout the video as if the viewer is experiencing some sort of obscured vision from drug-related heat exhaustion and is about to pass out.  Then there's the tacky appearance of the group name on the brick wall with CGI at 1:24 and the "glowing teeth smile" at 0:56 which gets both the placement and the timing of the "tooth gleam" completely wrong.  Best of all are the lame baby-slaps that the guy gets at the end of the video for dating multiple girls - I can just pictured the completely stoned director saying to the girls "don't hit him too hard, man... you'll kill the vibe".  The guy is even visibly trying to hold back a smile through some of it.  Someone was obviously high as a kite and just didn't give a fuck on the day they had to shoot and edit this one down.  No great loss here because the song is pretty poor in this case but I've got to feel sorry for the APLUS ladies who seem to be the victims of criminal video-editing negligence.  

YouTube views at time of writing: 791  
Notable attribute: I'm still not sure if the three girls in the actual video are the same as the three girls in the intro photographs, or their mothers
Nugu Alert rating: extreme



toothg 

That's it for another episode of Kpopalypse Nugu Alert!  Kpopalypse will return soon with a very special EXTREME EDITION of Kpopalypse Nugu Alert!  Until then, don't do drugs, kids!

The things I would do to Seulong

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I've recently come to appreciate the example of human perfection that is Seulong. I'd known about him for years through his inclusion in 2AM, but I'd never paid him any attention because, ew, 2AM. He caught my notice lately, though, with his overshadowing of almost everyone in the Uee drama "Hogu's Love" and his appearance on "Unpretty Rapstar."

To satisfy my newfound craving for all things Seulong and in response to HAM IT UP U BLASPHEMOUS BEAUTY's recent request for moar dick* on this site, I present this gift of Seulong pics to everyone.


In extra large photo size, because I know how you like it


* DISCLAIMER: No visible dick appears in this piece. My Google image search for "Seulong dick" only turned up random clothed photos of him and this link to a particularly disturbing OH thread on Chanyeol's bulge (something I did not, in fact, need to see in my lifetime.) A search for "Seulong's long dong" proved equally fruitless. 




While compiling the pics for this piece in my "Hot male idols" folder, which up to that point contained only a single photo of Hyunseung on the one day he looked attractive, I was struck by just how hot Seulong is.


Look at this glorious piece of Photoshopped perfection.
If I cared about abs, I'd be moister than a Pillsbury cake.

Also known as the Seulong Special


It's not just that he's attractive, he also makes me want to do things. So many things ...

With that in mind, I've carefully curated the following photos and present them in ascending order of how strongly they make me feel things. Enjoy.





















Seized Documents Reveal Polaris' Controversial New Girl Group Concept

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Following the news that Polaris Entertainment's Lee Gyu Tae was arrested for fraud, more information has surfaced revealing a shocking new concept the company was planning to debut sometime next year.


According to seized documents, Polaris was auditioning human egg cells as part of a seven-member girl group to be named, "Eggceptional." While details about the group remain vague based on the documents, it is believed the group would have debuted with a "sexy hip-hop" concept.

Eggceptional posed for this photo shortly before the company was shut down.
The identity of the seven members is being withheld since they are minors; however, some details are available, including this exclusive photo of the group's maknae who was also to be the group's rapper:

Censored for identity protection.
While the status and location of the seven members remains a mystery, an informant has promised us that the members are being well taken care of while a new agency is found to take over their contracts. The informant said that all seven members would like to continue in the entertainment industry and that, in the meantime, they are all staying in one of the members' family's refrigerators.

The news has further damaged the company's reputation, which was already suffering.

Polaris has declined to comment on the matter.

Minah Fails to Grasp Korea's Hottest Spring Fashion Trends

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Recently solo-debuted Minah of Girl's Day is making the rounds for the promotion of her hit new single "I am a Woman Too." We all knew she was a woman already, but I'm sure she had her concerns from being seen as the derpy kkap queen with a side of aegyo all the time. Not that she isn't a derpy kkap queen with a healthy serving of aegyo, but you get my point because I'm getting off-topic.

Her recent street performance outfit has been drawing criticism for being behind the times.




At first glance, you might think her nude blouse and high-waisted shorts are simply par for course in Korea... But there you would be mistaken. Times have changed, and it's not about the high-waisted shorts anymore.
1. [+357, -18] The pictures are uncomfortable to look at

2. [+286, -15] Her shorts are shorter than my panties...

3. [+278, -25] Really? They're making her perform on the streets? Did they get rid of the concert stage at Migliore or something?

4. [+27, -18] Those pants make you look so cheap... it's gross
I want to bring your attention to the second highest rated comment on the article. "Her shorts are shorter than my panties."

Clearly, the netizens are not amused by Minah's fashion faux pas. Let's take a look at a normal sized, normal pair of panties for reference.

Pretty normal and comfy for daily wear, right?
(I wouldn't know, I'm just assuming. Pls no judgerino)
Minah's shorts are definitely not shorter than these, this is objective truth. If Minah's shorts aren't shorter than these normal-sized panties, and if netizens are the infallible source of truth/fashion/pop trends we all know they are, that leaves only one possibility. In order to maintain the veracity of the statement "Her shorts are shorter than my panties," the only explanation left is that netizens are wearing longer panties than what we previously expected or thought to be normal. What panties exist out there that would make this statement true?


That's right. Granny panties.

If at least 278 people agree with that statement, we can assume by Law of Netizenbuzz Associative Property that at least 2,780,000 million people agree with this statement as well because we all know Netizenbuzz's readers all agree with whatever the hottest Korean trends are saying. And if Netizenbuzz's readers all agree with it, then it's pretty safe to say there are many more people sitting behind their computers nodding in agreement but too lazy to log in to upvote more. For those reasons, if we have at least 2.7 million people on board with a fashion trend, I'd say that's more than enough to establish a hot trend.

Minah's clearly behind the times as far as fashion goes, and while I'm embarrassed for her, I'm more disappointed with her management. How could they fail to realize that panty fashion has swung back from the risque to this more modest form of underpant comfort? 

The irony of it all is how Girl's Day used to catch shit for diaper fashion, but now Minah is catching shit for not being aware of granny panty fashion. Truly poetry.

SM Keeps Trolling Me With Red Velvet

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SM admitted a new member to the awesome Red Velvet, and once again, there's an underage member in the group!




When Red Velvet first debuted, Joy was the one who caught my attention. She has the thickest body in the group, so I definitely wanted to bang her. And hard. As soon as I whipped out my onahole and a bottle of Astroglide, I was ready to go to town and fap to Joy. Right before I unzipped my pants, I heard a knock on the door.

"Man, who the fuck could it be?" I said to myself as I walked to the front door. I had made no plans that day and didn't have work, so I wanted some me time -- which is essentially more fap time.

I finally reached the door and grabbed the door knob. As I turned it, I saw a familiar face.


"Oh God damn it, I'm not watching child porn," I told Chris.

"I know that, but you're about to jack it to someone who is underage," he said as he entered my apartment as if he was invited. "You know that I can't allow that."

"Who is the underage one?" I asked, with the onahole still in left left hand.

"Joy is," replied Chris.

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!" I yelled as I slammed the onahole to the floor.

"Well, can't I just fap to Irene, then?" I asked as I crouched down to pick up the onahole.

"I can't let you do that," Chris said. "There's still someone underage in the music video. You may just be using Irene as an excuse and you'll try to fap to Joy without me knowing."

"Well, can't I just fap to an Irene fancam when it comes out?" I asked, trying in anyway to fap to Red Velvet.

"No, Joy may still show up in Irene's fancam, and what if you busted a nut while Joy showed up?" asked Chris.

"Son of a bitch," I said as I went to my computer. I sat down in the chair and pulled up Wikipedia.

"Oh come on, she turns 18 next month. Can't you cut me some slack?" I pleaded.

"No, rules are rules," said Chris.

In the end, Chris wouldn't let me fap to Red Velvet as long as Joy was underage. While Red Velvet did come out with a remake of a boring SES song later that year when Joy was over 18, the song was so boring that my penis wouldn't get hard at all.

-----

I didn't know anything about the new member of Red Velvet until I watched the music video. I was busy as fucking shit during my spring break, so I asked AKF to cover for me for a week. We had the 3/15 deadline for corporate tax returns and then I had so much school work to catch up on, I had no idea that Red Velvet even planned on adding a new member.

When I saw Yeri, I had my onahole and bottle of Astroglide ready. I heard the door knock again. "It better be AKF so that we can work on our project together. If it's someone else, I'm going to be pissed."

As I opened the door, I got angry as shit.

"MOTHER FUCKER!"

It was Chris Hansen. Again.

"JOY IS 18 YEARS OLD, ASSHOLE! LET ME FAP!"

"Sorry, Yeri is underage," said Chris. He then pulled out his phone and showed me Yeri's profile. "She was born on March 5, 1999. She just turned 16."

"FUCK! NOW I CAN'T FAP TO A RED VELVET MV OR FANCAM FOR TWO YEARS?! FUUUUUUUUCK!"

Chris started laughing at me, as if he was in some kind of secret alliance with SM Entertainment so that I couldn't fap to Red Velvet.

"What if I fapped to Yeri pretending that she was pegging me?" I asked Chris. "Technically she would be boning me, so that should be alright."

"Nope, sexual activity of any kind involving an underage girl and I'll be here to stop you," laughed Chris.

"God fucking damn it," I sighed as I dropped my onahole.

"Hey, you do know that Ga-in released two music videos last week that you can fap to instead, right" asked Chris Hansen.

And thankfully Chris Hansen saved me from having blue balls.

Gain's biblical concept and suggestions for more of the same

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I have been enjoying Gain's comeback and I am sure you have too. 'Paradise Lost' is a great song with a moody tone and a moody video - in which Gain looks hot as fuck. 'Apple' is a pretty damn good song with a fun, bubbly tone and a fun video - in which Gain looks hot as fuck (also Jay Park has the most obvious non-verse since any of Jihyun's verses in 4Minute songs).

It is more than just the songs sounding good, and Gain looking good though, these are all important factors -  I assure you -  but in addition to these already positive factors, Gain has come back with a balls-out pretentious concept album to appeal to prog-rock enthusiasts. The concept is based on the Genesis story in which Hawwah, the first woman created by Yahweh, experiences the first temptation which then leads to the creation of free will and mankind's fall from grace. It is a modern retelling I think, but regardless, it sounds like a Coheed and Cambria concept that was scrapped for not being wacky enough.

Anyways, this comeback made me consider the possibilities of religious texts as a basis for concept albums so I came up with these:






When's My Reward A-Coming? (Lee Soo Man)

Seeing that his company's stock was plummeting due to its inability to keep the artists on board, the CEO of SM Entertainment will take it upon himself to make most of the company's money in 2015. It will be a modern interpretation of the book of Job wherein one man has everything needed for an affluent and respected lifestyle, only for it to be cruelly taken away in a celestial bet. This leaves the man with nothing, but he does not give up his faith in $$$ and eventually he makes all his money back and everyone loves him again. Lee Soo Man describes it as 'a modern day, as yet unfinished parable' but assures us that the prophecy will be fulfilled.

Genre: Turbo-trot




Ble$$ed (Tablo)

For his next album, Tablo creates a baffling new string of YG canon that results in him being born as the Messiah and spreads $wag to the world. Dok2 and The Quiett play the $hepherd$ of $wag (not pictured above) and feature on 5 of the album's 17 tracks. GD specifically asked to play Joseph with Suhyun as Mary because he wanted to make Kiko jealous of his ability to get younger women than her. Psy, Masta Wu, and Seungri play the wise men because they were the people in nearest proximity to Tablo when he pitched this idea to Yang Hyun Suk (who plays King Herod). The concept will be made into a feature length film and is said to contain 'salvation that is almost as extreme as DJ Tukutz' beats'. As yet it has not been revealed who Mithra Jin and Tukutz will play, but it has been confirmed that the film and album will end with a hip-hop remix of 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' before Tablo boards a spaceship and goes on a journey of space exploration. The hope is that there will be significant interest for a sequal which will supposedly be titled '$alvation in $pace'.

Genre: Boom-Bap/Harsh Noise



Deadly (GOT7)

GOT7's next album will have every member doing a solo song about the respective sin that they represent before the epic finale when our grand overlord JYP cures them of all of their sins and teaches them (and us) to love again. It opens with a swagged out hip-hop song where Jackson raps poorly about his love of eating until he gets to be a fat shit (Suzy was his inspiration). Track 2 is a chilled out west-coast hip-hop song in which Bambam discusses all the prostitutes he has slept with and exactly how he likes to do it - noona fan sales go through the roof. Track 3 has JB singing a soulful ballad about how he can no longer masturbate to anything, but pictures of himself because no-one can ever be as gorgeous as him. The counterpart to this song is track 4 where Mark covets JB's beauty in a 12 minute long spoken-word piece set to music. Next comes an autotuned trap banger where Yugyeom sings about how he really wants ca$h, car$, hoe$, but is unable to get them in his current state. This has an effortless segue into a shoegaze inspired number that Youngjae was too lazy to write lyrics for so he just moans over the top of guitar sound effects. Track 7 has Jr. getting incredibly annoyed at everyone for not working on their new album. The closing track is operatic and prominently features the vocal stylings of Park Jin-Young, the world rejoices and the album goes multi-platinum in ever country except Belgium.

Genre: Undefinable, Experimental


T-ATION (T-ARA)

Core Contents Media thought that it would be a good idea to appeal to a wider market by basing T-ARA's new album on Hindu mythology, in a culturally insensitive fashion. The album retells the Hindu creation story as it starts out with Eunjung chilling on a cobra in the middle of a fucking huge sea. Then, the sound of the T-Ara beat (that one that is in basically all of their songs) emanates from an unknown point and brings peace to the seas. Then Eunjung grows a flower and as it blossoms; Hyomin, Soyeon, and Qri emerge and create a perfect world in which everyone does the Roly-Poly dance literally all day long. This sees us through to the end of time when Boram destroys the world due to everyone getting 2turnt. The album is said to have weakened Indo-Korean relations tenfold but it made CCM so much $$$ so almost no repercussions were felt.

Genre: Club music with sitars



Euphoric (Gaeko)

Gaeko dons a fedora and uses his immense intellect to disprove the existence of God and insults all religious sheeple while he is at it.

Genre: Dad-rock

-------

I predict all of these will drop in early 2016.

Best of the Worst: March 19, 2015

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The struggle continued for the f(x) fandom this week as SM announced that Red Velvet's fanclub will get a name less than a year after the group's debut.


Look at them walk all over your faves. 


Fans of f(x) naturally got indignant at the news as their own group's fanclub has yet to get a name after six years.


This is why you don't piss off your boss, kids.






A rap music primer for k-pop fans who haven't heard Dr. Dre's "Detox"

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People seem to like my technical posts, and for ages people have asked me to write a technical post about rap music just for k-pop fans.

rapraprapraprarpapr

Always eager to please, I have done exactly as asked.  Read on and be entertained as Kpopalypse answers all your important questions about rap music and k-pop!

hyominshower


So, what is rap music?

AOA's Jimin knows all about what rap is and is not, because she's listened to Dr. Dre's "Detox" album, and in fact all the answers to all of your rap questions are on this album but only Jimin knows the secrets.  I approached Jimin for an interview but she's not telling anything, so in lieu of this vital information I'll do my best to unravel rap for you.

Rap music is any music with rapping in it.  Rapping is a vocal style.  It refers to talking with a rhythmic meter, essentially making the human voice a rhythmic musical instrument without specific pitch (like a drum) rather than a melodic musical instrument which generates specific pitches (like a piano). This is the defining characteristic of rap - the strict adherence to rhythm matched with the deliberate lack of adherence to specific pitch.

Someone who is using their voice with both defined rhythm and defined specific pitches is not rapping, they are singing.  Let's use our friend Jimin from AOA as an example.  In "Like A Cat", her vocal section from 2:06 is not a rap, because she is hitting specific pitches with her voice, therefore it is sung, because that's what singing is - pitching vocals.  The fact that her part is sung very quickly at a typically rap-style speed does not actually make it a rap.



However Jimin DOES rap in other songs, such as "Get Out" from 2:29:



Rapping being a rhythmic form is usually matched with rhythmic music, although it doesn't have to be - it can be matched with any type of music at all, or even no music at all (also known as "a cappella").  Think of rap as poetry but delivered vocally with a specific defined sense of rhythm, rather than just a free-form "say the words whenever you please" style.  Just like poetry, rap doesn't have to rhyme... although just like poetry, the more popular examples usually do, and in rap music the rhyming is used to deliver syncopation.  More on that later.

Okay, so what is hip-hop then?  Is rap and hip-hop the same thing?  If there are differences, what are they?

Hip-hop is a cultural movement, comprising of the following elements:
  • Rap vocal style
  • Beats or tracks (a generic term for backing tracks that go behind rap vocal, which may or may not include an actual beat, but usually do)
  • Certain styles of DJing (scratching, certain beat-mixing techniques)
  • Beatboxing (mimicking instrumental sounds of drums and other instruments with the voice only)
  • Certain art styles (graffiti art, etc)
  • Certain dance styles (breakdance (b-boying) and other forms)
  • Certain clothing styles (various types of hip-hop fashion)
  • Not showering before going to school
  • Hanging out with friends and high-fiving each other
It could be debated that hip-hop is also a type of political movement, but to anyone who thinks that all I can say to them is that IKON's Bobby probably doesn't know anything about politics and he probably showers less than politically-focused rappers like Immortal Technique therefore you are wrong.

bobbyab

I don't care about this though.  Let's cut to the chase - is [my favourite Korean pop idol] a good rapper or not?  That's all I really wanted to know when I clicked this.  How do I tell?

Never mind if they are a "good rapper", there's a larger question here which is what actually defines a "rapper".

Oh no Kpopalypse, you're not going to give us a boring fucking rap history lecture are you?

Hey, you're the one who begged me for months to write about this boring crap.  I was all ready to write about T-ara vs AOA jelly wrestling, but no, you cunts didn't want that, you said that you wanted a technical trufax rap post, I said I didn't want to write it, and you kept fuckin' asking me about it, so here it is, so now you can fuckin' shut up and deal with it.

Okay.  I'll just be in the other room for a while fapping to those AOA videos.

Rap music as it is currently known first solidified in the USA but the birth of the form actually comes from the Jamaican club and house party scene.  Clubs and parties would have that annoying creepy guy who tries to talk you into going into the club when you walk past (it probably says a lot about Australian culture that in Australia we have a special word in our dialect for this type of person - a "spruiker") and over time the role of this person integrated with the role of the MC or Master of Ceremonies, a term that comes from the Catholic church but basically means "the person who runs the party".  The improvised dialogue that the MC/spruiker would use to entice people to be part of the revelry became more interesting and complex as clubs and parties competed with each other to draw a crowd, as naturally people wanted to be at the party with the best MC where the most fun was being had.  As time went on simple talking was replaced with the rhythmic "toasting" style of vocals, this became more and more popular and then was exported to the USA's urban ghettos via immigration where through the inflections of the American accent it transformed again into the rap style that we know and love/hate today.

Understanding the cultural origins of rap will also help you understand the following points about rap music:
  • Rap music essentially started as a cross between entertainment and advertising, this is why rap music to this day often seems very egocentric to an outsider (and why it could never have evolved in Australia's self-deprecating culture).  "I'm so awesome, you're not" raps are actually very true to the original culture, other permutations like the "political", "gangster/social comment" rap styles as well as the "I love you girl" pop stuff all came later.
  • The competitive spirit of the Jamaican club scene is still present in the competitive spirit of rap music today, hence "diss tracks" where rappers criticise each other on record, and "rap battles".
  • Jamaican macho male culture is commonly sexist and homophobic as shit, and this is still reflected in rap lyrics today, and is also why when worthwhile female MCs do appear in that scene they are no-bullshit as fuck, because they have to be tough to rise above and be heard and taken seriously over all the men pretending to not by gay while secretly tugging each other's dicks.
  • Most importantly of all, a very high emphasis was, and still is, placed on being able to wow the audience with a unique and cleverly timed/insightful/funny lyric or turn of phrase.  This is still the #1 quality that a good rapper must have, and this outweighs every other factor for people involved in that scene by something like a 1000:1 ratio.  Keeping people entertained and maintaining the attention of the listening audience (whether they be in a club, a party or on the other side of a computer screen) with clever lyricism was and still is all about having this quality.
Er.... okay, that's nice.  So where are you going with this?

The final point above - uniqueness and cleverness of the content and timing of the lyric being the #1 most important factor that far outstrips every other consideration - has some important implications for k-pop fans who want to evaluate Korean rap.  Are you ready?

Uh oh.

Firstly: if a rapper didn't compose their own rap, their rapping prowess simply cannot be evaluated as either good or bad.  It's no secret that very, very few Korean idols get to write their own lyrics - most idols have no say in this area at all.  If Jimin from AOA busts out a rap part in her next song that was actually written by a 40 year old guy in a suit in a boardroom committee meeting, it's THAT person's rapping skill that you're evaluating when you say "Jimin is good" or "Jimin is shit"... not Jimin herself.

jimindetoxy

But what about things like vocal tone and breath control, isn't that important?

Of course not, take your favourite k-pop agency's dick out of your ass and think about it for a second.  Eminem has a vocal tone like a rusty gate and is widely considered to be one of the best rappers ever.  Kool G Rap sounds like he's continually gargling marbles, and is also widely considered to be one of the best rappers ever.  The reason why is that both rappers strongly meet the criteria of clever self-composed lyricism.  Rapping is just talking in a rhythm so if you know how to talk with breath control (something we all mastered by about age six), you know how to rap with breath control.  Most rappers who specialise in rap only don't know the first fucking thing about the kind of vocal techniques that singers use, and happily remain ignorant of it because those techniques aren't needed in rapping, which is just talking.  If you can talk, and you have a sense of rhythm, you can put two and two together and therefore perform a rap.  The only rappers who practice vocal technique are the ones who also do a bit of actual singing occasionally as well - pure rappers don't give a shit, and I've never met a single rapper who ONLY rapped who ever underwent any vocal training whatsoever.  Why do you think the "dancer" in a k-pop group always gets the rap parts.  Regard anyone who applies "vocalfag" criteria to rap music as a complete and utter brainless idiot with no clue, or alternatively, a deluded obsessed fool who is just trying to clutch at straws of nothing in order to push their personal bias list onto you.  They're either stupid, delusional, consciously lying, or some combination of these three.

Now you know WHY rappers are considered to not be rappers if they don't write their own material - because delivering the lines takes no technical skill at all whatsoever (besides the technical skill of speech, which everybody reading this has - even that ultra-fast rapping Koreans are oddly in love with isn't that much harder than ultra-fast talking).  Therefore, rapping someone else's raps is actually a really easy thing to do... it's the act of coming up with those raps in the first place which is difficult and the part that requires skill.

But I just love the vocal tone of [my bias] and that's why I like their rapping!

This may be true, but "I like the sound of their voice" isn't the same as "someone has clearly identifiable rap skill".  Liking the way someone sounds when they speak is subjective, and you may indeed love the sound of [your bias] but that doesn't mean they can rap well (or that they can't rap well, for that matter).  Rap skill, because it relies on wit and cleverness, can be measured objectively, much like a comedy sketch which can be measured by the humour quality of the jokes... and you might like shit jokes, but that doesn't make them any less shit, it just means you're a dumbass.  Which brings us to our second point...

I'm not going to like this, either, am I.

It is literallyimpossible to evaluate a rapper's true skill if you don't speak the same language that they are rapping in.  Not just tricky - impossible, even with subtitles.  To evaluate the true skill of anybody who raps exclusively in Korean, you need to understand Korean fluently... and not just regular Korean speech, but also all the slang and cultural references being used as well as the way words intersect and rhyme, as it's the interplay of rhyming words with their meanings and often double-meanings (which subtitles generally won't convey) which forms part of the cleverness of a good rapper.  This skill is what is known as "rap flow" (a term which has nothing to do with vocalfag stuff).  Allow me to demonstrate using a video that showcases two completely different styles of rap flow in one song, and it's definitely far from my favourite track from anyone involved here that's for sure, but it's a good example just for educational purposes.



At 0:22 DMC from 80s rap superstars RUN-DMC raps.  DMC raps (no doubt deliberately) in the style that he's known for - mostly strict rhyming couplets.  Rhyming words happen in the middle or end of the bar and pretty much nowhere else, and everything is delivered in much the same consistent rhythm.  This sounds dated today but it was the norm for mid-80s rap when RUN-DMC were at their peak.  Rap flow wasn't as advanced then as it is now and while his flow does have a retro charm for those who remember those days, if a new rapper surfaced and rapped only in that style they wouldn't make a dent on today's hip-hop scene.  At 1:38 (after that fucking hideous chorus, what were they thinking) Necro raps.  Necro might be a scumbag like Kpopalypse but he has a much more sophisticated modernised flow by rap standards, with complex syncopated rhymes (not always delivered at the end of each line but chained together at varying points to produce their own rhythm within the rhythm), plus his usual outlandish slang and pop-culture references that fly by pretty quickly and need a few listens to absorb with the context intact even for a fluent English speaker like myself.  Imagine how someone who doesn't even know any English language apart from "hello" "thank you" and "please notice me oppa" would go trying to evaluate Necro's rapping ability in that song - pretty fucking dumb, right?  Now you know how fucking dumb you might look when you throw down your opinion on Korean idol rappers and how great their often basic lines are when you can't even speak the fucking language and therefore have no idea what you're actually talking about.

There's got to be someone in k-pop who I can evaluate the rapping of though, right?  Please, throw me a bone here.


Of course we all know CL is shit by rap standards because she was in that English Dr. Pepper song so we got to hear her rap disastrously in English, in her own words. We know that she writes her own words too because her label is always banging on about what a supposed creative genius she is, and YG Entertainment never lies, so you can totally blame her for this crap:



I bet she showers every day, too.

clnath

Okay, so is that it?  Are you finished making me feel like I've wasted my life now?

Not quite, there's one more point that I should cover which is the idea of "authenticity", often referred to within rap songs as "keeping it real".  Authenticity of the original rap creation is a big thing in rap music and the most severe of insults are reserved for "biters" - people who steal lines and ideas from other rappers, precisely because it's so easy to do.  As covered in the first point, it requires really no special skill beyond grade-school level to deliver a rap line, only to think up a rap line, therefore people who say "I'm a great rapper" while using other people's lines are generally treated as not just intellectual property thieves, but also as musically fraudulent on a basic "you don't actually even have any rap skill" level - someone who might like rap but doesn't understand it or even know what they're doing.  Obviously in a style where almost nobody is writing their own raps (k-pop) authenticity isn't even an issue - people who are interested in rap music dismiss k-pop idol rappers out of hand because they are not the writers of their own material.

The value of "authenticity" in the rap scene goes further than this, it also extends in other directions.  To take just one example, threatening physical violence in rap songs is generally a metaphor for rap battles rather than an actual intention to kick anybody in the head but these lyrics when used in rap gain extra power from the idea that they might be real given the circumstance (2Pac/B.I.G. being the obvious example, but there are others).  Such verbal threats in rap style are often transposed directly over to the world of k-pop idols when the companies are trying to give their idols a bit of modern rap flavour, but in such a scene where idols have to be polite and their behaviour is tightly controlled at all times, this language looks frankly laughable to a rap fan.  The lyrics when delivered by idols lose their double meaning (an invitation to rap battle plus a potential physical threat) and therefore part of the gravity that makes them work in their original context is lost.

jucythr

All values in the rap scene are filtered through the lens of "authenticity" and it's easy to understand why some rappers get hate and some don't if you understand this point.  Vanilla Ice wasn't hated by the rap world because he was white, he was hated by the rap world because he was "fronting" (putting up a false impression): he said in interviews that he was "from the ghetto" when he very obviously wasn't.  Iggy Azaelia isn't hated by rappers today because she's a white Australian, she's hated because she's a white Australian trying to sound like a black American - if she used her own accent most people wouldn't have any problem with her, just like they don't have a problem with Hilltop Hoods who are highly respected.  The race isn't the issue, the lack of authenticity is the issue.  Every Korean idol on the other hand is sitting at roughly Vanilla Ice levels of authenticity, and it shows when they start actually talking about rap music.

jiminill

But what's authenticity got to do with the actual music?  It doesn't affect the way it sounds, I just know when I like the sound of what I hear.

AND THAT IS THE CORRECT ATTITUDE.  WHICH IS WHY YOU SHOULD STOP BANGING ON ABOUT ALL THE OTHER FUCKING SHIT.

It's fine to like what you like (yes, even CL) and dislike what you dislike.  The problem with Korean pop fans is that they feel like they constantly have to make excuses and justify their music taste by "proving" how great their favourite idol is with a bunch of lies, made-up bullshit and terms they don't even understand properly.  You don't have to do this and with Korean rapping idols you can't anyway, because these people are mostly objectively not even rappers by any standards with which proficiency in the style is actually measured.  I personally quite like a lot of raps in k-pop songs, because I like the way they sound, but I don't try to kid myself that these people are "real hip-hop".  You people with your Korean idol rap obsession talking about rapping idols and trying to pull everything apart and be analytical and justify shit are basically comparing a bunch of apples and asking yourselves "which one is the best motorcycle".  Just forget about it, stop making yourself look like an idiot and appreciate an apple as an apple.

hyominapple

Explaining Suzy The Fat Whore's Weight Loss

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News of Suzy and Lee Minho dating came out last night, and I knew I finally had the explanation for why Suzy lost weight lately. I had to share it with you all before I left for work.


Most people will now think "It's obvious, Suzy wanted to look good for Lee Min Ho." While Lee Min Ho is the actual reason for Suzy losing weight, I have to tell you how Lee Min Ho helped Suzy lose all of that weight.

According to my sources, Lee Min Ho is really good at finger banging (he's the king of finger bang) and Suzy is a squirter.

One night while Lee Min Ho and Suzy were hooking up, Lee Min Ho was finger banging the shit out of Suzy and just as Suzy was about to squirt, Lee Min Ho lowered his head to get close to Suzy's pussy and he opened up his mouth. 

Little did Lee Min Ho know, he was going to regret doing this.


This is what Lee Min Ho looks like now. What happened?!

When Suzy was preparing to squirt, he was expecting something such as this gif. (I think it's safe to say this link is NSFW.) Being the king of finger bang, Lee Min Ho knew how to make girls squirt on command.

Suzy moaned and Lee Min Ho widened his mouth. As he closed in on her pussy, he could tell something was wrong. Lard started shooting out of Suzy's pussy into Lee Min Ho's mouth, and with so much force that it knocked him back from the bed to the farthest wall away. The blunt force of the impact made it so that Lee Min Ho swallowed all of the lard. He was so shocked that he couldn't puke it out, and the shock caused him to faint.

Suzy smiled, knowing that the authors at AKF couldn't call her a fat whore...until she put the weight back on.

Kojima Haruna Wants To Do It Doggy Style

The Kpopalypse scandal bullshit-detection guide

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Some of you have noticed that Kpopalypse has a sharp sense for picking the truth in a k-pop scandal, even before the truth is revealed.  How is this possible?  Is it magic?  Is it divine intervention courtesy of the Raina god?  Or are the sinister forces of logic and rational thinking at work?  Read on as Kpopalypse reveals all!

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The Korean pop industry is too powerful and embedded in the Korean political/legal structure (read: criminal) for what gets written in the media to be any true threat to the status quo.  Korean politics, gossip sites, netizens and k-pop have a symbiotic relationship which is all-too-obvious - without k-pop creating such a hefty side-culture of bullshit, people would have a lot less to whine about and might have to actually redirect their focus onto something real that actually matters.  Since actual journalism and healthy debate isn't a palatable idea in Korea's "sweep problems under the rug because we must keep up appearances at all costs" culture, pop scandal is a convenient distraction for everybody to concern themselves with instead.  I wouldn't go so far as to say it's a deliberate "bread and circuses" conspiracy on anybody's part to have pop culture as this massive distraction (conspiracy theories generally are political junk food for the fuckwitted) but it's certainly a good situation for those in charge and no doubt they realise it.  Imagine for a moment, if every EXO-L were as passionate about the fate of their country as they are about EXO, and you'll quickly realise it too.


That's why I don't care about scandal.  I don't care if the things the media says or that netizens speculate on are true or false, and that's why I'm generally not in a rush to cover any of it.  I applaud anyone who doesn't give a fuck about k-pop scandal.  I only care that:
  • Music I like continues to surface
  • There are sometimes hot girls
Since I really don't give much of a shit, plus I have a bit of experience in dealing with scandal from the other side (i.e I personally know people who have been the subject of "entertainment scandals") I believe that this affords me a certain point of view which others might be lacking, and certainly which I'm not seeing much of in many other places, or at least not as much of as I'd like to see.  So here's a short list of three things you can look out for whenever you hear about something happening in k-pop and you might be wondering about how real it is.  All of these should be red flags that indicate that whatever you're being told to believe might, just maybe, be a complete pile of shit.

1.  Black and white thinking


Here's a list of all the things that Seo Jisoo from Lovelyz was accused of when Lovelyz debuted:
  • Being a lesbian
  • Spreading nude photos of other girls
  • Date rape
  • Animal abuse
  • School bullying
  • Inserting buttplugs into other girls
  • Taping hidden sex cameras
  • Blackmail
  • Being an Infinite sasaeng
  • Creepy online roleplay
  • Being the best ever cum in your life
My bullshit detector went off immediately upon seeing that list because it's such an obvious shopping list of "things many Koreans find 100% despicable and wrong", but of course nobody would believe me, preferring to give the benefit of the doubt to some shitty gossip sites.  Eventually all of these rumours were thoroughlydebunked, meaning that I was proved right all along... except the roleplay, but that just puts her on a par with about 99% of the k-pop fangirls accusing her of all the other shit, and the "best ever cum in your life" which is probably true.  So how was I so sure?

Whenever someone tries to paint a person or group of people as 100% villains, and another person or group of people as 100% saints (in this case, the "victims", who actually turned out to be a male with a buttplug fetish), I call bullshit.  It's a sure sign of fabrication, and I've seen it before - it's what the media always does when they want to put a spin on a story, they'll remove anything that conflicts with their chosen spin and exaggerate their chosen angle as much as they can.  Netizens do it as well when they decide that they want to demonise somebody - suddenly all their previously-noted good qualities mysteriously vanish.  As soon as you see that happen - look out, the bullshit circus is on its way.

jisoodrug

People tend to take what they read in the news and on websites mostly on face value, or at least with a "I guess I can't be sure, let's wait and see" attitude, but the media's spin becomes really obvious when an article appears about something that you actually know a fucking lot about.  Example: many years ago I was on my lunch break from work, and I picked up the newspaper.  I was astonished to see that on the front page was a guy who I knew quite well from the local heavy metal scene.  Unfortunately he wasn't on the front page because his band had hit the big time, instead it was because he had been shot dead at a city nightclub.  I read through the article, and it was hilarious - they talked about what a wonderful guy he was, how he had a great relationship with his parents and his girlfriend, how he loved feeding the ducks by the pond and listening to Beethoven.  If you were to read this article and take it on face value you'd think that the man was a perfect angel.  Of course they left out anything that might contradict this picture-perfect image of him - that he was in a reasonably well-known local thrash metal band, that he liked smoking marijuana, that he had a mouth on him and was a real shit-stirrer who wouldn't hesitate to hurl abuse and even get violent with people he didn't like (which was probably what got him shot).  However these aspects of his character didn't fit the narrative, so they were excluded from the newspaper story.  I laughed as I read it, I thought to myself "wow, feeding ducks - that's a new euphemism for dope-smoking that I hadn't heard about until now, he would laugh if he could read this now".  The newspaper weren't about to let truth and a fully-rounded picture of him as a person get in the way of the "he was a flawless angel" article that they wanted to write.

If you want a k-pop example, think of the recent incident between Lee Taeim and Yewon.  The media picked a side - they wanted to demonise Lee Taeim so that's what they did, even changing the dialogue to turn a shades-of-grey situation into a black-and-white one.  Then the truth came out and the media outlets now look stupid... but usually that doesn't happen and people just carry on believing whatever bullshit is written about.

yewonw

Media loves to portray things as black-and-white as possible and they'll fudge the truth to make that happen constantly.  When Australian spree killer Martin Bryant's images were released to the public, his eyes were subtly doctored by the media so he looked more bug-eyed (and hence "crazy") than he really was.  On the other hand when Rolling Stone published an image of the Boston Bomber that just looked kind of normal, they were accused of glamorising him by an angry public.  Today's hive-minded morons can't comprehend shades of grey or the idea that their villains are any less than 100% pure evil so the media play to the lowest common denominator and give the people what they want.  Expect it fondly from your k-pop media as well, and know that when it happens, the truth is usually a lot more nuanced, because in real life nobody is the "bad guy" or the "good guy" 100% of the time.

2.  Evidence without evidence, proof without proof


K-pop fans have a fairly strange relationship with the words "evidence" and "proof".  Apparently, little do they know that "proof" has to actually prove something to be proof, and "evidence" actually has to make something evident to be evidence.  Let's take this well-known example:

iueun1

Here's what this picture makes evident:
  • Singer IU and Super Junior's Eunhyuk know each other well enough to be in the same room together
  • IU and Eunhyuk are close enough as friends/fuckbuddies/lovers/acquaintances/whatever that their faces can only be a few inches from each other in a photo
  • IU is wearing pajamas
  • IU is really shit at taking photos
  • IU deleted this picture pretty quicksmart after she uploaded it (not quick enough though)
That's all we know, the rest we're guessing and making up.  Some things that we could guess about or access our internal reservoir of confirmation bias to speculate on and consider the likelihood of:
  • IU might be wearing pajamas because she was sick, as the Loen/1thek press release stated.  Or maybe she just put them on after a good fucking from Eunhyuk.  Maybe she left them on during the fucking because Eunhyuk has a pink pajama fetish.  Maybe IU just wanders around the place in pajamas all the time because it's comfortable.  The photo was taken in early November and I understand it's pretty cold in Korea at around that time, maybe she was just cold and her pajamas are warm.
  • Eunhyuk may have that expression on his face because he just came and then wiped his dick on IU's pink pajamas, or maybe he has that expression because it's a really awkward pose for him to bend over like that so he's in the shot for IU's wonky-as-fuck camerawork.  Maybe this is the tenth photo they took together and he's just fucking tired and over this selca bullshit, "bitch hold the camera steady for once in your fucking life, what's with you chicks and your fucking selcas of everything" perhaps that's what he's saying.  Maybe he has a headache.  Maybe he functions on only a few hours sleep per night as many idols do.  Maybe IU really is sick and he's worried about catching it so he's cringing a bit and trying not to inhale any germs.
  • IU and Eunhyuk might be on a bed together.  They might also be on a couch together.  They might be sleeping together.  They might have spent the night together.  They might have just sided up next to each other just for this one photo.  Maybe they stayed together all day, as close as this.  Maybe Eunhyuk left the building five seconds after IU insisted taking this photo because she was all like "I've always loved SuJu can I please have a photo with you" and he said "ok you annoying bitch here you go, can I fucking leave now?".
  • Maybe IU deleted this from her SNS because she was worried that her affair with Eunhyuk would become public knowledge.  Or maybe she deleted it because she isn't having such an affair but she can see that a photo of her in her pajamas with Eunhyuk could be misinterpreted.  Maybe she removed it because she thought that it would upset SuJu fans, or IU fans, or both.
iueun2

Personally I'd like to believe that they both fucked all night with multiple cameras rolling and edited down a professional-looking video and then left the tape with a note for the cleaner the next morning with instructions on which AV network to leak it to.  But I don't actually give a shit, and in the meantime the picture proves nothing of the sort (unfortunately).

Here's more "evidence", the notorious "Boram broke Hwayoung' umbrella" screencaps, and I hesitate to even post these because the T-ara scandal is so boring and played-out, but it's a good example as any other and I think my mum would be proud that I finally covered this:

boramumb

Here's what this screencap makes evident:
  • Hwayoung is holding an umbrella, which is broken
  • Boram is behind her at one point
And that's it.  We don't even need to speculate on this one because a full video shows what really happened:



The umbrella was clearly broken already, before Boram even came up to her.  I knew my mother wouldn't do a thing like that.  All of the T-ara "evidence" is just like this, easily debunked once put into context.  Yet people still call it "evidence" or "proofs" anyway - let's hope that they don't consider a career in the legal profession.

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These "evidences" although inconclusive at best (like with IU) and downright lies at worst (like with T-ara) are still powerful because they only show part of the picture, and they leave people's imaginations to do the rest, and people's imaginations are hugely powerful things, especially when we're talking about young and dumb k-pop fans.  The important thing to remember here is when you look at "evidence" look at what is actually happening, not what you imagine could possibly be happening, lest you look like a fool and Kpopalypse makes fun of you with a post like this and holds you up to contemptuous ridicule.  If you see anything like the above pictures paraded out as "proof" in future scandals, you're probably being massively lied to, so you know already to be wary and get that bullshit-detector on full alert.

3.  Laughable netizen "detective" work


I always chuckle to myself when people talk about "netizen CSI" - it's an apt description, but not for the reasons that people think.  Comparing netizens to CSI makes perfect sense only because CSI is complete fiction and absolutely unlike the kind of work that police investigative units actually do in reality.  Really, netizens are the most shit detectives ever, and how they got a reputation as even vaguely competent at detective work is anybody's guess, because they fail time and time again to meet even the most basic standards of logical processing of information.  I bet they couldn't even do common police work like write a GUI in Visual Basic to track a killer's IP address.

Let's look at IU again, just because I'm too lazy to think up a more recent example, and also I generally like looking at IU so why the fuck not:

iueun3

The top photo is Eunhyuk's bedroom (apparently).  The bottom photo is IU's eye from the pajama photo before.  Supposedly, the light reflected in IU's eye is the light from Eunhyuk's bedroom.  This is a pretty typical example of "netizen CSI" at work - obsessing over tiny details while failing to grasp what they might mean in the bigger picture, like a retard suffering from high-functioning autism who can count playing cards in a deck but can't stop getting his drool all over them to the point where he'd get kicked out of the casino before making any money from his card-counting abilities.  Here's what we know about this collection of pictures:
  • There's something square and bright reflected in IU's eye
  • The light in Eunhyuk's bedroom is square and bright
Here's what we can guess:
  • Maybe they're the same light.  Or maybe they're not.  Maybe there's more than one square light on a ceiling in the whole of Korea. Maybe it's the same model of light, in a different room.  Maybe all SM artists get the same standard-issue square lights for their bedrooms, which would actually make sense because why have different fittings for each room if you've got a ton of rooms that are exactly the same.  Hotel rooms don't have different light fittings in each room either, and the better SM dorms seem like hotels.  Maybe IU and Eunhyuk were in Shindong's room having a threesome.
  • The two square lights don't seem to be quite the same shape, but maybe it's the angle that's a factor - diagonal in the bedroom photo, straight-on in the IU selca.
  • Maybe it's something else square and bright reflected in IU's eye, like a window opposite.  It certainly seems to be rather big and vertically long suggesting typical window dimensions rather than a ceiling light fitting.
  • If it was a ceiling light fitting, why would it be reflected in the middle of IU's eye suggesting an object placed on her horizontal plane (like a window), rather than the top of her eye as one would expect from the angle of a ceiling being... you know, up?  But then maybe IU is lying in a weird position so that's what makes it look that way (remember Eunhyuk might be grimacing because he's uncomfortable with IU's insistence on taking such an awkwardly-angled selca).
  • Why the fuck is there a weird teddy bear in Eunhyuk's room, and why is it staring straight to camera?  Is this Five Nights At Freddys, SM Edition?  Why aren't the netizens onto this?  If I were them I'd be concerned.
uiutedy

Congratulations netizens, you have correctly identified a square thing as being square and another square thing as also being square.  While it's good to know that you were paying attention to shapes class in pre-school, perhaps the world of hardcore detectivism (that's a word, because it's my blog and I said so) is beyond you and you should spend a little more time there identifying stupid-looking hip-hop jackets before venturing out into the big bad world you fucking losers.  In the meantime, let's not kid ourselves that these people have any special abilities beyond being exceptionally obsessive-compulsive.  Whenever you hear "netizen detectives" are on the case, be prepared for some major bullshit... yes they might be right, but a drunk person pissing in a pub toilet while blindfolded also might get most of his piss in the bowl, that doesn't mean he's a fucking genius with a PhD in urology and fluid dynamics, it just means he stumbled around with his dick out and got lucky.



So that's it for me, kids.  Remember next time you see a scandal developing and want to know who is feeding you bullshit, remember:
  • Kpopalypse has it covered
  • Use your brain
  • Nobody cares, especially not Qri
  • Lists with dot points are cool
See you next time, caonimas!

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[MV Review] ℃-ute - Turn The Next Corner

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℃-ute is one of the top tier J-pop groups out there. This is definitely my favorite song since Kiss Me.



I fucking love the girl who starts singing in the beginning of the song. Those crooked teeth give me the hardest hard on that ever hardened on. You thought all of those bumps in a masturbatory toy felt great? Wait until you get a blowjob from a Japanese chick whose teeth go in all different directions.

The MV has such great production values that makes me want to spend $50 on a DVD + CD version and spend $10 more to import it. If you thought Kpop MVs looked good, you have been missing the fuck out!

Don't get my started on the song. Someone showed me Wagakki Band the other day and I told them to get that shit out of here while listening to ℃-ute. What isn't there to love about a song with a chorus that is indistinguishable from the laid-back verses? With the whole song sounding the same, you have a vested interest to listen to all four minutes of this masterpiece.

Kpopalypse Nugu Alert - EXTREME EDITION

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That's right cockheads, Kpopalypse is back again, and this time he's bringing to you a very special edition of Kpopalypse Nugu Alert!

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In this special EXTREME EDITION of Kpopalypse Nugu Alert, the nuguest nugus that ever were nugu will go toe-to-toe in an ultimate nugu battle of nugu nuguness!  Can you handle the extremity?


Girls' Generation - Gee





You can tell a lot by a group's name, and when your group name is not only excessively wordy but has an apostrophe in it AFTER the s, you know your career is basically fucked right out of the gate and you're going to spend most of your adult life polishing floors with a dishrag to make ends meet.  Never mind that the song sounds like a compilation of Tinkerbell's wet electronic farts, that's the least of these girl's problems and I'm sure that they gave up on k-pop by now and are flagging down passing cars for $10 blowjobs on a freeway underpass near you.  Check out the start of the video where they're all pretending to be mannequins, and they're wobbling around on their pedestals trying to be as still as possible and failing.  They had one simple task at that point and that was to just fucking be still you fucking whorebags and they couldn't even get that part right, so let's not get them to try and do anything else anytime soon, not that anyone would.  The only reason why they got Black Ocean'ed all those years ago is because nobody knew who they were or had a lightstick for them in the first place.  It's a good thing I'm here to raise the profiles of groups like this to help get them off the street because I'm such a caring soul.

YouTube views at the time of writing - nobody cares

Notable attribute - I could fap to a couple of these girls

Nugu Alert rating - high



BigBang - Fantastic Baby





Only about ten people could be bothered rocking up to this group's shitty riot scene, presumably shot on leftover mounds of dirt and corrugated iron left over from a District-9 themed backyard party.  I'm thinking that maybe the guys with the white masks are all like "get me away from this shithouse music that's playing so I can hide in your soundproof paper-mache riot trucks" and the police guys are all "nope, get back behind the barbed wire, faggot bitches".  Nobody cares anyway because this song sucks and all the group members have now faded into complete obscurity... or started making horrid yoloswag shitbirds of solo songs, same difference because nobody listens to that shit either.  I'm pretty sure G-Dag and F.L.O.P or whatever their names are this week are sitting under a bridge sharing infected needles as I type, so for fuck's sake click on this video a bunch of times and get these people out of the gutter.  Maybe if we all pitch in together they can get back on their feet enough to get a resume together and get a nice job being productive to society by stacking supermarket shelves or something.

YouTube views at the time of writing - one or two

Notable attribute - I could fap to a couple of these girls

Nugu Alert rating - very high



2NE1 - I Am The Best





There's a certain air of desperation in calling an artist "to anyone", it's like saying "we're desperate for fame as all fuck, come on, someone, anyone, listen to us... please, we'll give you money!  We'll give you money AND blowjobs, just listen!".  As it happens stroking on a few throbbing knobs is a handy side-occupation to help obliterate a few years of trainee debt plus all those expensive plastic surgery bills, and let's hope these girls are pretty good at it because nobody has heard a peep from them since this clanger came out.  It's little wonder as the intro sounds like Skrillex taking a shit in Lady Gaga's mouth and it doesn't get any better from there.  The lyrics are trash too even by low, low k-pop standards - people who are genuinely good at stuff don't have to wander around saying "I Am The Best" because their abilities are self-evident and need no pronouncement, so if you feel the need to actually call your song "I Am The Best" then you really are just jerking off in everybody's face.  Mind you I wouldn't be against the idea of sitting under Bom Realdoll's vagina in this video while she furiously masturbated and squirted all over my chin if she wasn't wearing studded BDSM clothing, the chafing from that shit is incredible.

YouTube views at the time of writing - do Blackjacks even know what YouTube does?

Notable attribute - I could fap to a couple of these girls

Nugu Alert rating - extreme



PSY - Gangnam Style





I'll definitely be accused of being a hipster for bringing this guy up.  Who the fuck even is he.  Kids these days have now gotten wise to k-pop's "get in debt quick" scam, so having exhausted every willing high-schooler in the country, k-pop labels are now reduced to scouring the streets for panhandling ex-Army vets to front their latest thinly-veiled car commercial masquerading as a pop music video.  It's a good thing that nobody has heard of this song because if something like this ever became popular and hoodwinked enough people into thinking that they were listening to something worthwhile it could signal the downfall of civilisation.  There's no fear of that though, nobody's going to listen to a z-grade clone of LMFAO's "Shuffling Up Your Ass" or whatever it's called, performed by some bored dad who decided that he's got nothing to live for and took up crystal meth as a hobby to occupy himself now that the kids are all grown up.  With a rapidly aging population in many developed countries this kind of thing may become more and more of a problem so let's not encourage it - or next thing you know the cancer will spread further and we'll have mature-age snarky k-pop bloggers popping up with horrid unfunny joke review posts, now that really WILL be the end of society.

YouTube views at the time of writing - less than your mum

Notable attribute - I could fap to a couple of these girls

Nugu Alert rating - off the chart



dongbllue copy

That's it for another Kpopalypse Nugu Alert!  I hope you enjoyed laughing at these people who wasted their lives in the entertainment business when they should have been picking beans in a field... but don't laugh, pity them, give their videos some traffic and if we all work hard with our mouse fingers, we can make a difference to their incomes and they may soon earn their first dollar.  They'll never forget your kindness and generosity.  Everyone, let's do it.  Do it for k-pop.  Do it for Kpopalypse.  Let's help these nobodies live the dream.

KRIS'S DICK SPOTTED

Pls Buy Our T-Shirts

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Hey EXO-Ls!

I've been fooling around with a couple of EXO T-shirt designs (because you can never have enough EXO T-shirts, right?? LOL :D) and I think I've REALLY outdone myself this time!!



I chose white for EXO-K because they're all super pale like Koreans! And I chose black for EXO-M because they're all dark Chinese guys who betray their friends.

CLICK HERE TO BUY MY TOTALLY ORIGINAL DESIGNS! JUST $19.99 + S&H!

Momoiro Clover Z Does Burakku Feisu

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HOW INSENSITIVE OF THIS GROUP!



The worst part is that the above picture is the edited one. I found the real one.


Grape drinks, watermelons, and fried chicken? RACIST MOTHER FUCKERS!

...at least there aren't any cops around the gun them down. 

AKB48 To Have Another Subunit

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Just what we all wanted: another group full of girls not named Kojima Haruna! Seriously, I'd only watch about two of these girls get raped by a tentacle monster. Pass.

AKB48 Manager Forgets He Is In Japan

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So I found this story and the manager forget he was in Japan. Even if any pictures were released, they'd still be censored. That would be like censoring my MS Paint pics.




Koda Kumi Has Her 10th Number One Album

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Japan: a country where anything is possible, you know, except for having kids. Congrats to the orangutan for her achievement!

Watanabe Mayu To Star In a Drama That Has Nothing To Do With Dat Ass

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So I was reading this news about Watanabe Mayu's new drama...and I got mad.




Who the fuck wants to watch her in a drama when we could be watching a few guys pound her ass?



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