Many k-pop fans are excited about the potential shown by Red Velvet, SM's newest girl group.  Many of them are also very confused, and have been asking Kpopalypse the following question:



Never one to let down the k-pop fan community, Kpopalypse is here to help you in your important quest for k-pop knowledge!


I'm not just making this shit up, by the way.  People really are confused by this shit.  A simple Google search while researching this topic revealed that the general k-pop fan population is confused as a motherfuck about which Red Velvet member is which at any given moment.


As you can see by the last result, there's speculation that the Red Velvet members may have gotten prettier, and that this may be the cause of the confusion.  If you're someone struggling to become a k-pop idol and you're looking at your options for becoming prettier, you basically have two choices:

1. Get famous, then become prettier while you are under the public eye, with all the gossip and scrutiny this entails
2. Get prettier during your training period when you are safely locked in the dungeon and cameras aren't looking at you

It makes sense to choose the second option, however it could also be the case that SM Entertainment just scouted for a bunch of girls with the same look in the first place.  Either way, there's no doubting that the girls in Red Velvet do look strikingly similar, for whatever reason.

Let's introduce the Red Velvet members one by one so we can help better differentiate them.

JOY

Here's Joy.  Joy is from Red Velvet.  Her hair has been colour-coded GREEN by SM Entertainment for easy identification purposes, because they knew that you would have trouble with this shit without some help.  She has a pretty face, a cute smile (when she's smiling), long hair and big brown eyes.  Remember these distinctive features.

IRENE

Here's Irene.  Irene is from Red Velvet.  Her hair has been colour-coded PINK/RED by SM Entertainment for easy identification purposes, because they knew that you would have trouble with this shit without some help.  She has a pretty face, a cute smile (when she's smiling), long hair and big brown eyes.  Remember these distinctive features.

SEULGI

Here's Seulgi.  Seulgi is from Red Velvet.  Her hair has been colour-coded ORANGE/YELLOW by SM Entertainment for easy identification purposes, because they knew that you would have trouble with this shit without some help.  She has a pretty face, a cute smile (when she's smiling), long hair and big brown eyes.  Remember these distinctive features.

WENDY

Here's Wendy.  Wendy is from Red Velvet.  Her hair has been colour-coded BLUE by SM Entertainment for easy identification purposes, because they knew that you would have trouble with this shit without some help.  She has a pretty face, a cute smile (when she's smiling), long hair and big brown eyes.  Remember these distinctive features.

YERI

Here's Yeri.  Yeri is from Red Velvet.  Her hair has been colour-coded BLONDE by SM Entertainment for easy identification purposes, because they knew that you would have trouble with this shit without some help.  She has a pretty face, a cute smile (when she's smiling), long hair and big brown eyes.  Remember these distinctive features.

Now that you're fully up to speed on what these girls look like and all their distinctive features that make them look individual and special, you are ready for:

The Red Velvet Identification Test

If you got all ten questions right, congratulations!  You've now mastered the art of identifying the members of Red Velvet!  If however you were struggling, feel free to take the test again, share with friends for tips, or search deep inside your soul for the meaning of existence.  Good luck!

Another month, another series of K-Pop releases. March saw some pretty high profile stuff come out, but I may deliberately not include them to be a dirty hipster. Read on to find out.

Best Song

Runners-up

Ice Cream Cake (Red Velvet)

Winner

Take Care of You (Giriboy)

Worst song

Runners up

I Am A Woman Too (Minah)

Wifey (NS Yoon-G feat. MC Mong)

Winner

Cinderella Time (NC.A)

Bang Diddy Bang Bang (MFBTY)

Most cluttered production

New World (MADTOWN)

Best usage of someone else's beat

농담 (Rap Monster)

Best debut

Pepe (CLC)

Hey all.

I know it's been quite a while since I've last streamed, but I thought I could dust off the ol' webcam for old time's sake and put one on for your view pleasure/displeasure. As of now, I was thinking Saturday April 11th from 4 to 6PM PST (or UTC -7) would be my stream slot. The stream will be hosted here via Twitch.tv (zaku_bot1 if the link fails to work somehow).

If you've got any suggestions for stream topics, better time accommodations, or just want to show your support for the whole thing, feel free to leave a comment below.

Until then, toodles~

I don't have to say shit!

The girls are back! Well... eight of them, anyway. How are the ajummifying idols of k-yesterpop holding up in today's climate? Thoughts after the jump.

Well the MV is 4 minutes and 22 seconds long, which is about how long the film by the same name would have been if the protagonist was black. Layered groundless association jokes aside, I can't say I'm too surprised by what we're seeing here. Generally, when you start entering the age where you might be considered "older" but still want to be "hip with the kids" you have limited options. You can either go EDM, which is a particularly popular choice through Asia, or you can go hip-hop, which Soshi has no capacity to do. Thus, we have EDM soshi. The sad part is that T-ara already made this shift and did it better, and their debut-line idolmates Kara (who seem to have inspired the first set of outfits) are showing a classy capacity for greater things.

One does have to consider a possible strategy of emphasis on holding parity with their Japanese promotions, as Japan is less likely to give a shit about Jessica getting the boot and also less likely to care about their age as they keep going, so in that respect taking the broadest rather than boldest path seems smart even if it's an uninteresting way of letting their legacy go out. So, I can understand if this marks a standard for their final road, but it would be a bit disappointing, but then again that's what they have been since Genie so why would I expect more?

However, they did exceed my expectations and their usual standards in one regard: Dancing. For some time now they've been rather sloppy, even in MVs. I've seen a lot of sones making gifs and taking screencaps to show their astounding lack of coordination as some kind of endearing thing, but I prefer calling it unprofessional for a supposedly top group in a highly competitive market. If you want to be legends, act like it. Perfume is a great example of this, and I wonder if they were an influence on soshi, especially as they move all the more to intricate and even interlocking movements. One is also left to wonder if Sica really was holding them back in this regard, or if they have been busting ass doubletime to try and make it seem that way.

Finally, to end this aimless rambling, let's partake in the traditional practice of ranking them. With Sica gone, I have my usual top picks of Yoona/Tiffany/Taeyeon competing for my affections, and I must say in this case Yoona comes out WAY in front. She's going for broke playing up all her cute and sassy charms, not settling into the "I'm standard-pretty enough to not try" boring-zone. I'm not really feeling Taeyeon for some reason (I probably just want more sexy-tae like in concerts and photoshoots lately) and Fany seemed to fade into the background here. So congratulations Yoona, you win best mom.

P.S. No other authors even had a draft waiting for this. I guess we really don't give a single fuck about soshi.

That's right folks, it's Kpopalypse fanfiction time again!  This post is dedicated to those who wonder why Kpopalypse doesn't write "sexy" fanfiction.


In truth, the reason why I don't write sex fanfics is because that's what everybody else does.  You can read that kind of stuff in many other sites dedicated to fanfiction.  However, the constant questions got me thinking - if I were to write a fanfiction that focused on sexual themes, how would I do it?  Read on and find out - if you dare!

It's a hard life being a male online feminist k-pop activist.  Nobody really understands you.

When people find out about your hobby of writing pro-feminist posts deconstructing the gender issues surrounding k-pop, they always react negatively.  When you tell someone who doesn't know or care much about k-pop about it, they look at you with disdain - "it's just pop music, why are you wasting your life with this?", they say.  On the other hand guys who do care about k-pop think that you're a virgin who is in denial.  "You sad fuck, you'll come around to fapping to Girl's Day eventually", that's the typical kind of comment.  Or they call you "whipped" and make comments like "which girl is making you write this bullshit".  However girls certainly aren't, and they are in fact even more cynical about your hobby than the guys!  You thought that being an online feminist would gain the admiration and respect of females but oddly the reverse is true - they're all convinced that you're a slimy sleazeball just itching to get inside their pants.  You know this isn't true... well, okay, you would like to fuck some of them, but that's just coincidental, it's not why you're doing it.  You just care about society and social issues.  I supposed you could say that you're a "social justice warrior" - but what's wrong with fighting for social justice?  You never understood why people use that term as an insult.  It hurts that girls hate you for what you're doing but you'll continue to fight for their rights to be respected and not objectified.  Maybe they'll thank you for it one day.

There you were, sitting at home just before bedtime putting the finishing touches on a new forum thread "Why Gain Is Classy And Hyuna Is A Slut part 15" (tl;dr - "Hyuna shakes her tits but Gain makes art that raises questions") when you notice the red bubble at the top of the forum that denotes a new private message.  This is exciting - people don't private message you very often.  You open up the message, it's from fellow forum user PinkPandaLuv, a user who friended you on the forums a couple months ago and has been one of your few active supporters since, occasionally liking and upvoting your posts:


Of all the criticisms that you receive for your online activity (and there are many), the one that always burns the most is the occasional observation that you're an "armchair critic".  It stings because it's true - so far you haven't really done anything about the ills of the k-pop world except post about it online.  Mind you it's not from a lack of will, more just that you wouldn't even really know where to start with any kind of on-the-ground activism.  It all makes this offer very appealing, and what a perfect way to silence the critics who say that people who care about k-pop never actually do anything about it!  You get back to PinkPandaLuv immediately:


A minute later, another red bubble at the top of your forum page, PinkPandaLuv has replied:


You log off and go to bed, smiling to yourself at the thought of finally making a tangible difference in the unfair and cruel world of k-pop.

The next night, you're browsing the forums again before bedtime, checking out the replies that came through for "Why Gain Is Classy And Hyuna Is A Slut part 15".  It's the usual mixed bag of replies that you normally get whenever you make a post, mostly negative:

Seohyunfap666 - This post is ignorant.  It's not like these idols have any choice, these girls do this because they are paid to.  You can't blame the companies either.  They're just giving people what they want, and people are biologically programmed to want tits and ass.
4niacation - I'm a woman and I like dancing to 4Minute, I take offense to the idea that I'm "dancing slutty".  Hyuna is a powerful and rich woman who is doing what she wants.  You're just jealous because she could buy you.  I bet you never get laid by anyone as good looking as her in your life, you fucking loser.
Eunjigod - I think this post is alright.  I'm sick of the sexy concepts.
Imeanitman - Gain might "make art that raises questions" but I'm still fapping to the answers.
PinkPandaLuv - Preach!  There's not enough voices of reason out there in the k-pop community!  We're not all disgusting pervs!
Yoloswag420 - Too many words, you just should have written "I like fapping to rape more than I like fapping to dancing" and left it at that.

All of a sudden you notice not one but two private messages come through.  Wow, you've pretty sure you've never had two private messages sitting unread in your inbox ever!  Are taking a quick screencap of the red dot with the number "2" in it for posterity, you open them.  The first one is just a short message from PinkPandaLuv:


The other post has a document attached for printout, which is a guide and schedule of the day's activities.


It's all so exciting - it's actually happening this weekend!  You'll definitely be there to make a difference.  This news completely cheers you up after all those negative online comments.  You print out the schedule and go to bed, counting the days.

On Sunday, you wake up bright and early, a lot earlier than you're used to.  You had trouble sleeping anyway, with the excitement of the big day weighing on your mind and keeping your thoughts active.  You put on some warm clothes and head on down to the SM Entertainment building.


Such an imposing structure, it makes you feel weak and ineffectual.  The niggling feeling that maybe this protest is pointless starts creeping up on you, especially as you're a little bit too early and nobody is here yet.  Then you feel something on your shoulder.

"Hi are you from the forum?" a voice says.  You turn around to see a group of six skinny guys in their teens and early twenties, holding schedules which are exactly like the one that you're holding.  The one who is talking to you, a skinny teenager with coke-bottle glasses, carries a small cardboard sign with "NO NUTS 4 SLUTS" written on it.

"Yes!  Are you PinkPandaLuv?", you reply.

He looks disappointed.  "No.  I thought maybe you were, since you're here early."

You shrug.  "I haven't seen him.  Do you know what he looks like?"

"No idea.  I'm Eunjigod by the way, pleased to meet you."  Eunjigod extends a glove-covered palm and you shake hands briefly.

One of the other members of the group interjects, a chubby guy in his mid 20s.  "You know, that's a terrible slogan.  'No nuts 4 sluts?'  What does that even mean?"

Eunjigod looks angry.  "At least I made a sign, fatass.  I don't see your sign, all I see is your fat rolls."

"Hey, don't objectify me!  We're supposed to be anti-objectification!" the guy retorts.

"But you are fat, that's a physical truth."

"Well your slogan is shit, that's a physical truth."

"I'll admit it's not the best slogan but I couldn't think up anything better in a hurry that was catchy.  At least it'll get attention.  That's what we're trying to do, right?"

The other guy has no comeback for this and Eunjigod smiles to himself.  In the meantime a few more people have worked out where the protest is and joined the group, there's now about fifteen of you.  Somebody notices that it's now 8:30 AM and blows on a vuvuzela, signalling that the protest has commenced. Everybody stares at each other, waiting for someone to do something.  It becomes quickly evident just from looking around, without anyone saying a word, that nobody has done this before or knows what to do at a protest rally.  You have a little bit of an idea, having seen protests on TV.  "Erm... does anyone have a protest slogan?  Aren't we supposed to chant things?" you ask.

Immediately, Eunjigod starts chanting "NO NUTS 4 SLUTS!  NO NUTS 4 SLUTS!" over and over.  Several other people in the group facepalm and cringe but eventually "no nuts 4 sluts" becomes a chant by the whole group, simply because nobody else seems to have any other ideas.  It feels good to chant something in unison with a group of like-minded people, even though you're still not entirely sure what "no nuts 4 sluts" actually means, and you're not sure if anyone else in the group does either, including the person who thought it up.  Oh well, at least the people inside SM Entertainment HQ can see that some people are angry outside, maybe it's making a difference somehow.  Who can tell?

Later that day, the protest group is gathered around the Chrome Entertainment building.

"Why are we here?  Crayon Pop don't have sexy concepts?", Eunjigod asks.

"Bob Girls", someone replies.

"Ahh, of course.  How did I forget those whores."  Eunjigod nods.

"Fuck I'm starving, when's lunch?" asks someone else in the crowd.

You look at your schedule.  "We've got FNC/MBK after this, then a lunch break."

"Okay, let's get to it.  What about NO OBJECTIFICATION!  NO OBJECTIFICATION!  NO OBJECTIFICATION!"  Eunjigod starts chanting, but nobody joins in, everyone else just looks at him.

"Sorry, but... how do you pronounce that?" someone asks.  Everyone else listens closely to Eunjigod, trying to ascertain the pronunciation, but are struggling as he's saying the word slightly differently each time.

Eunjigod continues chanting - "NO OBJECTIFICATION!  NO OBJETIFICATION!  NO OBOJETIFICATION! NO... " then stops and sighs.  "Okay, I'm getting tripped up on my words.  Maybe this isn't the best word to use.  Does anyone know of a word that means the same thing as 'objectification' but has less syllables and is easier to say?"

Blank looks from everybody.

Eunjigod is determined.  "Okay fine... what about... LESS SEXY, MORE CUTE!  LESS SEXY MORE CUTE!  LESS SEXY, MORE CUTE!"  Everyone in the group starts joining in, chanting "less sexy, more cute".  However not all the protestors seem to be aware of where the phrase starts and ends, so it's a bit of a muddle.

Eventually someone in the group yells "Wait!  Stop!"

"What is it?"  Eunjigod is clearly unhappy about getting his chant interrupted.

"Why are we chanting 'cute less, sexy more'?"

"No, it's 'less sexy, more cute', that's what it is, don't get it twisted!" shouts Eunjigod.

"I thought you were chanting 'sexy more, cute less?", asks someone else.

You interrupt: "Honestly, it's a bit hard to tell where that one begins and ends.  It's easy to mishear.  Do you have anything less confusing?"

"Fine then!" Eunjigod exclaims, and starts chanting "NO NUTS 4 SLUTS!  NO NUTS 4 SLUTS!".  The rest of the group groan and reluctantly start to join in when they are interrupted by the brief switching on and off of a loud police siren.  You've all been so busy arguing with each other that nobody has noticed the large police presence that has surrounded the group, consisting of several squad cars, a large police van and at least twelve officers.  A female cop wearing mirrored sunglasses and a motorcycle helmet approaches you.

"You people don't have city permission to operate this protest." she says, readying her handcuffs.

You remember the messages you were sent.  "Yes we do!"

"No you don't.  Turn around please."

The officer swings you around and cuffs your hands behind your back.  You comply with the officer - you wanted to protest peacefully, you definitely didn't sign up for any police trouble.  You then watch as the other members of the protest are also cuffed.  "It was PinkPandaLuv who got council permission, which one of you is him?" you ask to the others.  Everybody looks at each other, shrugging.  Nobody can find him, or seems to know who he is.

"She emailed me the documents, I've got them in my jacket!" says a cuffed Eunjigod.  The officer who cuffed you walks over to Eunjigod and removes a piece of paper from his jacket, unfolds it and looks at it, then puts it in her back pocket a few seconds later.

"Thanks for those.  Okay, everybody into the van, let's go!" says the officer as she gestures toward the large police van.  You follow the officer into the van and sit down.  The van has just enough seats to accomodate the entire group, plus the female officer who arrested you.  It's a tight squeeze, and feels claustrophobic because the heavily tinted windows don't allow much natural light to get inside.  Once everybody is inside the van, it starts moving slowly.

"This isn't right, we have permission!" yells Eunjigod.  The officer takes out her truncheon and taps Eunjigod lightly on the head as a warning.  Eunjigod gets the hint and becomes quiet.

This is new territory for you.  You've never been arrested.  "Excuse me officer?" you ask.  The officer looks at you.  "What's going to happen now?"

The officer says nothing, but instead removes her mirrored sunglasses and looks at you.  Suddenly she looks oddly familiar... but where from?  She puts her fingers up to her lips, gesturing for you to be silent.  Given that she's still holding the truncheon in the other hand, you figure that's a good idea.  All of a sudden, you notice something.  The police van has stopped, less than one minute after starting.  The officer puts her sunglasses back on and exits out the rear exit, then closes the door behind you.  With the vehicle not motionless and no police now in the rear section of the van, everybody stands up and starts looking out the windows.

"This isn't a police station." someone says.

"It's not?" you reply.

"We're around the back of a building.  I don't know what building it is... but I don't see any police cars."


You look out the windows, it's so dark that it takes a while to discern anything at all, but once your eyes adjust it becomes clear that you're in a parking lot behind a building and there's just a few normal cars here, definitely no police vehicles.  You start looking around for a clue as to where you might have been taken, but it obviously isn't far from the front of the Chrome building as you were only moving for about a minute.  You can see the officer in the carpark, she's talking to another female officer, dressed exactly the same, even with the same sunglasses and police motorcycle helmet.  No police motorbike in sight however.  There's a back entrance in the distance with something written on it, but you can't see it very well, so you start squinting at it in case it contains a clue.  It's difficult to read through the strong tinted windows which severely darken everything, and then suddenly starts becoming even more difficult to read, kind of foggy actually.  Then you realise that the fog isn't on the outside of the van but on the inside.  That's the last thing you remember.

You wake up.  You're in a large room, some kind of gymnasium, you're sitting down on a chair.  The lights are off but you can still see your immediate surroundings well enough as your eyes become adjusted as there's a very small amount of ambient light coming from somewhere behind you that you can't see.  The chair is wooden and it hurts your back a little, also the part you're sitting on has a hole in it which your ass sinks through, it's uncomfortable.  Your arms are tied behind your back, you can still feel the handcuffs digging into the sides of your wrists, and your feet are also tied to the chair legs.  You look around, all the other members of the protest group are with you.  They're also tied to chairs of their own.  You notice that they are all gagged, which then leads you to realise that you are also gagged.  You're all sitting in an orderly semi-circle of chairs which would look almost quaint if you were there by choice.  You notice that the chairs aren't just wooden, there's some kind of wires hanging off them.  The wires have two little pads on the end, but they aren't attached to anything, they are just hanging down.  There's also some lights attached to the wires.  Most of the group is awake.  You all look at each other, unable to talk or move but you can tell by the eyes of everyone in the room that they are panic-striken.  Nobody else is in the room, it is eerily quiet.

A light goes on.  It's blinding.  Someone else has entered the gym, you can hear footsteps behind you.  It sounds like more than one person.  Someone walks right up to you, behind your back.  You can feel their breath on you.  Then you can feel someone touching your face, someone has attached one of the pad things to your neck, just under your jawline and off to one side.  You turn around and it's...


AOA's Choa... in a onesie?  She smiles at you and presses on the electrode to make sure that it's firmly fixed.  She then moves around to your front, sits on the gym floor, unzips your pants, grabs another wire with a pad attached, pulls down your underwear and places it on the shaft of your penis with workmanlike nonchalance.  You feel incredibly awkward - women aren't supposed to act like this!  She then moves onto the next person in the semi-circle and performs the same procedure, attaching the pads to their jaw and their genitals.  Once all sixteen members including yourself are accounted for (since everyone is sitting in an orderly fashion you're finally able to count them properly) Choa sits on the floor in front of you.

"Okay, it's on, let's test it!" shouts a female voice behind you.  You're not able to turn around far enough to see who it is.

Choa starts making cute aegyo-faces at you, in her onesie.  You look down at her - she's so adorable!  After a few seconds a green light attached to the wire plugged into your jaw electrode comes on.  Choa looks at the light, then slides over to the front of the next person and continues to do the same aegyo one by one, for each other person in the room.  Everybody's lights go on.

"We're all working!" says Choa, to the person behind you at the back of the gym.

"Great!  Now let's try the other one!", she replies.

Choa strips off her onesie to reveal some tight jeans and a crop-top, and starts posing for a few seconds in front of you, while maintaining eye contact.


Try as you might to resist, you feel an involuntary stirring in your loins.  After a few seconds, a red light attached to the wire leading to your genitals illuminates.  Choa observes the red light and moves onto the next person, repeating the procedure.  Everybody's red lights go on... except Eunjigod.  Choa looks Eunjigod up and down, and Eunjigod looks more panicked than ever.

"We've got a faulty machine" says Choa.

"Swap it out for another one.  It might not be the machine!", comes the reply.

Choa removes the electronic contraption from Eunjigod's penis and walks over to you with it.  "Hey, you worked well before, you can test this one too." she says to you, while attaching the electrode.  Choa then starts waving her ass at you, and you feel your erection stirring again.  Choa then looks at the red light, which illuminates quickly.   She talks again to the back of the room: "You're right, the machine is fine!  What do we do?"

"Well there's no point having him here, is there?" comes the disembodied voice.

"I guess he's sealed his fate right out of the gate, hasn't he."  Choa scratches her head.

"Bring him over here, we'll take care of it.  In the meantime, let's get things set up properly and we'll tidy the gym up a bit."

Choa takes the extra machine that she took from Eunjigod away from you.  She then unties Eunjigod's feet, stands him up, and walks him to the back of the room.  Eunjigod tries to struggle, but having been confined for so long his legs collapse with weakness.  Choa pulls him back up and continues walking him, muttering in his ear something that you're too far away to hear, until they're both out of your vision range.  You wonder what is happening to Eunjigod - is it good or bad?  Will your fate be better or worse than his?

More footsteps approach from behind, several people.  You look around, it's all the other members of AOA!  You watch them as they go about their business, ignoring you and the other people tied to the chairs.  They're moving stacks of chairs around, they start laying out chairs behind you in rows, one girl stack some tarps in a corner, another is laying down a bunch of rubber mats in front of you.  Once they're done, Seolhyun and Mina walk right in front of you and the others and lay down a large clump of green and purple plastic.  Seolhyun feels around for a valve and starts blowing into the plastic, inflating it.  It's a slow process, but the plastic clump gradually takes the shape of a large inflatable pool.


"Wow, it's been a while since I've had to blow something this much to get what I want!", says Seolhyun.

"Usually when you blow things, they deflate!", smirks Mina.

They both laugh and test the pool for firmness, then the members of AOA gradually finish tidying and all leave the room.  The last girl to leave turns out the lights.  You and the other protestors are still captive, tied to your chairs, sitting in the dark.

About what feels like an hour later, you're still sitting in the dark, when you hear the gym door open again behind you.  You hear footsteps moving toward you, but the lights remain off.  You then hear the sound of plastic bowls being placed under everyone's feet - bedpans.  You guess the cleaners realise that even tied-up prisoners need to go to the toilet sometime.  "You've got five minutes, then I'll come back to collect!" says a female voice before scuttling back towards the gym door and closing it behind her.  Everybody does their best to relieve themselves for the next five minutes, in the dark.  The smell is revolting.

Five minutes later the lady returns and collects the bedpans.  You then feel something at your back, she is putting something in your hands.  Two things - something sharp and metallic, and also a piece of paper.  You assume the paper is a note, but you have no way to read what's on it because you can't bring your hands up to your face, plus it's too dark to read anyway.  The sharp object is long and pointy, perhaps it's a lockpick?  The lady didn't say anything.  You wonder if sound in the room is being recorded.

You play around with the lockpick and try to get it inside the lock of the handcuffs.  It takes you about ten minutes to work out an optimal position where you can manipulate the pointy metal thing inside the lock, but once you get it properly inside, you manage to pick the lock in about 30 seconds.  Cheap handcuffs maybe?  You bring your hands around to your sides in relief, and look at the handcuffs... they're not high quality, the sort of cuffs one might use for theatre rather than police work.  You quickly untie your legs and are just about to remove your gag, when you hear the door open.  You place your hands behind your back again and do your best to keep them locked together so hopefully it doesn't show that your handcuffs are unlocked.  The lights go on.

Several people enter the room from behind you, it sounds like 50, maybe 100 people, maybe more.  They are all excited and having conversations, although it's hard to discern exactly what they're saying, you manage to pick up some key details:

• There's an event happening soon that everyone really wants to see
• AOA are involved somehow
• Quite a large amount of money is exchanging hands in the form of bets
• You and the other captives are part of the event too, but exactly how isn't clear

A bell rings and the lights dim.  A spotlight shines at the front of the gym, and Choa appears.


Choa smiles, bows, and then begins a chirpy narration.

"Hello everybody and welcome to the third season of FNC/MBK Jelly Wrestling!  Everybody please be sitting comfortably!  The show will start shortly!"

Some shuffling can be heard as everyone standing quickly finds a seat.  Choa continues:

"We at AOA are very happy to be rematching with T-ara for our third season!  Members of AOA will face off against T-ara members in one-on-one battles, and then later two-on-two and free-for-all jelly battles for your entertainment!  Just a few words before we begin for those of you who are new to FNC/MBK Jelly Wrestling.  Please no smoking in the FNC/MBK gymnasium as some jelly compounds are flammable.  Be sure to turn off your mobile phones and all electronic devices once the event starts.  No photographs under any circumstance, security will confiscate cameras, however you can purchase official signed photographs after the event.  Please refrain from standing so everyone can see the match-up, vision will also be projected against the wall for those at the back.  Also a kind word to our sponsors, team AOA are sponsored by A Pieu cosmetics and team T-ara are sponsored by Nene Chicken.  Please enjoy these sponsored messages and support them!  Fighting!  Jimin, please pour the jelly!"

Advertisements for A Pieu cosmetics and Nene Chicken are projected onto the rear wall as AOA's Jimin appears, wheeling a large drum full of jelly.  She positions the jelly drum to the side of the inflatable pool and turns a valve at the bottom, releasing red and purple jelly streams into the pool.  Choa continues:

"Just a note that FNC/MBK care for the sustainability of your environment and our jelly is 100% recyclable bio-organic material.  Also please note the unfortunate souls at the front of the stage.  These hardened criminals were picked up rioting and conspiring to commit various obscene and unspeakable crimes in front of our offices because they don't approve of our sexy images, and as a responsible corporation FNC/MBK will hand them over to the authorities for severe punishment after the event.  However as FNC/MBK is a benevolent corporation who loves those who love us completely, we will forgive them and give them a free pardon if they are willing to fap until orgasm during the jelly battle.  Jimin, please allow each member one free hand so they may commence fapping at their leisure."

Jim walks up to one of the tied-up protestors and asks them something that you can't hear.  She then goes around to the back of the person's chair, undoes their handcuffs, and then re-handcuffs one of their hands to the chair leg, leaving the other hand free.  She moves across doing this, gradually moving closer and closer to you.  You realise that once she sees you she's going to realise straight away that your handcuffs are already unlocked and that your legs are untied, and she'll just tie you back up, there'll be no escape after that, and you're not fapping to AOA - you must keep your online credibility intact!  You wanted to slip out quietly before but it's too late for that, so you plan to make a sudden break for it when she reaches you.

Choa continues:  "Note that while FNC/MBK is not a registered gambling association, you are able to place bets electronically online for this event with our business partners.  We will give you a few minutes now to do this before we begin if you wish and have not yet done so, as electronic devices will need to be off once the battles commence.  To view odds and place your bets, just go to your smartphone and..."

Choa's narration is interrupted by Jimin staring at you in the face.

"Left or right hand?" asks Jimin, in a whisper.

You are confused.  "Sorry?"

"Do you fap with your left or right hand?  I need to know which one to unlock."

"Oh, either is good.  I'm ambifapstrous."

You raise both your hands up to her face.  Jimin recoils in shock as it's immediately obvious that your hands are untied.  "What the fuck?" she screams.  You push her head back, making her fall over, quickly pull up your pants and make a run for the rear exit.  Everyone is so surprised that nobody follows or stops you as you sprint out the rear door, and down a long corridor.


You look behind you.  Nobody is after you yet but surely it's only a matter of time before Jimin is on your tail.  However you don't even know where you are, you need to find an exit.  You try a random door and walk in.  It's a room full of telephone operators.  They seem mainly distracted, you can hear them chatter about a "T-ara anti situation" and a "code red" but it doesn't sound like it's anything to do with you.  You take the gag out of your mouth as discreetly as possible and walk through the room calmly as if you're meant to be there, and quietly go out through a door on the other side.  You find yourself in another, identical corridor.  You run through and try another random room.  There's nothing in this room except bare bricks walls, a chair... and Areum.

You thought Areum's time with MBK was over long ago.  "What are you doing here?" you ask.

"Get back, you freak!  What are YOU doing here?" says Areum, raising her hand, motioning you to stay back.


"I just want to get out of here.  How do I get out of here?", you ask.

"Oh.  Are you having bad thoughts too?", Areum asks.

You are confused.  "What?"

"This is the 'bad thoughts' room.  We get sent here if we think bad things.  The walls make the thoughts go away.  Thoughts are ephemeral and untrustworthy, yet the brick is clean and steadfast.  We go here to become like the brick, solid and unshakeable."

You are even more confused.  "WHAT?"

"A brick can deflect heat, or it can keep you warm.  A brick can stop handgun bullets, or it can become more deadly than a bullet.  In a world of shifting shades and colours, the function of the brick is absolute."

She's making no sense to you at all.  You run out of the room the way you came in, and back down the corridor.  You can hear the panting of someone chasing you, maybe it's Jimin, catching up.  You quickly run into the first door that you come across, and close it behind you - no time to be strategic about it.  Your heart sinks as you realise you're in a dressing room.  Boram is here, looking somewhat bemused that you've just entered... but not shocked.  In fact, if anything she looks like she was expecting you.


"Oh hello", she says, smiling at you.  "Hello!" she says again in a squeaky high voice, as she moves the plush toy in her hand, suggesting that it too has a voice.  "Aren't you going to say hello back?" Boram asks you in a normal voice.

"Hello.  Sorry!  Ummm..." you don't know what to say.  This is not where you wanted to be.

"Also say hello to my little friend.  You don't want to insult him.  He gets angry, especially when someone comes into our dressing room unannounced while we're preparing for jelly wrestling!"  Boram waves the plush at you.

"Oh um... hi.  Sorry to barge in!".  Fuck, this is awkward.  Why is she being so weird?  "I'll just leave..."

There's a knock at the door you just entered.  "Hey, open up!"  It's Jimin.  You can't leave now, this door is the only exit.

"I think you should hide behind the couch", says Boram in a high voice, as if from the plush toy.

"Okay... thank you, thank you..." you say as you bow and scuttle behind the couch and lay down.

"Come in!" says Boram to Jimin behind the door.

You can hear the door open, but you can't see anything except Boram and Jimin's feet under the gap between the lounge and the floor.  "Hey Boram, what's up?", says Jimin as they greet.

"Not much Jimin, what's up with you?"

"Some ugly nerd boy escaped the jelly wrestling fap chair."

"Gosh, that's inconvenient.  Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, the show must go on, you know.  But we want to find him, obviously.  We can't have word getting out.  Have you seen him?"

"I don't know... what does he look like?"

"Kinda greasy and ugly.  Trust me, you'll know him if you met him."

"I don't know Jimin, there's more than one greasy ugly guy around here!"

The girls share a laugh.  "Well, let me know if you do.  And keep your phone close, okay?  Who knows what he's capable of.  He's one of those creepy social justice people, he's probably a rapist in denial or something."

"Don't worry, Boram knows how to take care of herself."

"Okay, thanks!"

Jimin shuts the door.  Boram waits for a while.  After 20 seconds or so pass, Boram says "okay, you can come out.  Don't worry, nobody will come in here without knocking".

You emerge from behind the couch and stand up.  "Thank you so much.  You probably saved my life!"

Boram smiles.  "Hey, think nothing of it.  Say, you look thirsty.  Why don't you get yourself a drink?  There's some spring water in the fridge."  She motions to the fridge.

"Thank you!"  You walk over and open the fridge.

"Don't forget the ice!  It's in the freezer!", says Boram, this time in her high-pitched plush voice.

As you pour yourself a glass of water, Boram turns in the TV in the dressing room.  It's a closed circuit TV, it's broadcasting the jelly wrestling happening a few rooms away.  You look briefly at the screen.  AOA's Choa and T-ara's Jiyeon are both wearing white t-shirts and fighting it out in a one-on-one battle.  Boram flicks a button on her remote, it changes her TV to a different CCTV feed, this one showing the corridor outside her room.  You can see Jimin, going from door to door, asking people if they have seen you.  After a few seconds Boram flicks it back to the jelly wrestling.

"Don't worry, she won't find you", Boram says casually.

You open the freezer to put some ice in your drink.  There is an ice factory, and next to it is a large brown lump which takes a little while for you to recognise properly.  After a few second you figure out that it's a human head.

Boram continues.  "You know who else she won't find?  PinkPandaLuv.  She's been looking for him for the last 20 minutes as well, but Boram's much smarter than Jimin.  Boram knows all the tricks.  When we have our jelly fight later tonight, Jimin's sure going to be rattled!  That'll be funny as fuck, I bet she slips over a hundred times."

You turn around, Boram is pointing a silenced handgun at you, there is definitely no escape - if you try and run she will cut you down before you reach the door.  You put your hands up.  As you put your hands up, you notice something that you weren't conscious of until now - the note that you were slipped earlier today is still scrunched up and sitting between your fingers, unread.  You open it up.


"You can put your hands back down.  I know you're unarmed, I've seen enough of you on the CCTV to know that.  Sit down and watch jelly wrestling with me", Boram waves the gun, motioning for you to sit on the other side of the couch.  You sit down slowly and carefully.  On the CCTV Choa is straddling Jiyeon and mashing her face with handfuls of jelly.  Boram points to the screen.  "People don't appreciate the aesthetics of a good jelly wrestling match.  Sure, it's all scripted - why wouldn't it be?  But if we have Choa on the bottom and Jiyeon on top then most of the audience don't get to see Choa's ass, and if Jiyeon is on top then her tits get less jelly on them and that isn't good either.  Everything at MBK is planned, it's planned out to the fucking last shot, the last angle, the last ring on a pinky finger, the last colour on a sock or a leg bracelet.  We get right inside your head, so we can deliver you the most finely honed, perfectly executed fap material, and we take great pleasure and pride in doing this, and spreading happiness to millions of people around the world.  Nothing is ever by accident, ever.  And then we've got people like PinkPandaLuv, and like yourself, and your friends there in the front row, who just don't appreciate our hard work, or AOA's hard work, and think this is just all random sluttiness.  You know, I personally find that insulting, that people would crusade against what we're trying to do."

"But doesn't objectification bother you?", you ask.

Boram waves the gun at you.  "See this gun?  It fires bullets.  A bullet is an object.  If I fire a bullet at you, like this..." - Boram pulls the trigger and shoots you in the kneecap - "...then it hurts, right?  Are you not in immense pain right now?"  You wince and nod as the pain sends you to the floor, clutching your knee which is trickling large amounts of blood onto the carpet.

"That's because the bullet, which is an object, hits you, which is another object.  If you weren't an object, you would have nothing to fear from the bullet, because it would just pass straight through your non-object self.  Therefore as you are obviously affected by the bullet, I have proven that you are an object.  Objectification is not only the truth of humanity, but the truth of k-pop.  MBK is a good place, which uses good objects.  We're working hard, using our objectification prowess to bring humanity that one step closer to heaven.  We all would want to go to heaven or something like it one day, wouldn't we?"

You look up at Boram.  You're in unbelievable pain and have long since stopped focusing on her argument.  She's kind of cute in a weird way, actually.  You're suddenly conscious of a flashing green light... the electrode under your jaw is still attached, in the panic you forgot to remove it.

Boram looks at the light and smiles, pointing the gun at your face this time.  "I think we are starting to understand each other.  Do you think our friendship can last?"

You haven't got the nerve to ask her if this is a trick question.

Hey everyone, it's your good friend Kpopalypse, back again to share lovely positive vibes with all of you fantastic readers!  This post is especially dedicated to appreciating the lovely charms of Jessica!


Here's a picture of Jessica.  Jessica used to be in Girls' Generation (SNSD), but now is not.  That's a pity for k-pop fans, but oh well.  Isn't she so pretty though?


Wow, right?  Here's another picture, from Shinee's "Sherlock" video where she has a great cameo and is amazingly styled.  It's worth watching that video just for her appearance.


Gorgeous!  I think you should all go to that video right now and leave positive comments about Jessica.  Do it.


This photo is quite recent.  Jessica just gets prettier every day!  Not getting prettier as in "getting prettier", but getting prettier as in getting prettier, you know?


Notice the sunglasses that Jessica is holding.  These are from her fashion label Blanc & Eclare, that Jessica started after leaving Girls' Generation.  She's obviously very smart and has a good business mind as her fashion brand is very successful.


You would probably look great wearing these sunglasses.  Maybe you wouldn't look quite as pretty as Jessica in them, but they may still enhance your appearance significantly.  If you were to buy a pair of these sunglasses, it could be a good situation for you.  Why not check out the Blanc & Eclare website?



Here's a video from her Blanc & Eclare fan signing.  Look at all those people giving her flowers!  Everybody really loves Jessica!


Look at this picture.  This is a picture of Jessica personally signing hundreds of polaroids that she gave out individually to fans at her birthday party!  Wow, Jessica isn't just really pretty and intelligent and successful, she's also a really nice person!


It's possible that Jessica could in fact be the most perfect ex-k-pop star ever!  Let's hear it for Jessica!


Feel free to share you adulation for Jessica in the comments below!  Only positive comments please, no negative nasty stuff, we don't want any of that.  Thank you.

---

I am willing to negotiate the removal of this post for a nominal fee.  I've heard that your company is quite willing to come to the table on these matters.  Please feel free to contact Kpopalypse to discuss removal rates.

Hey everyone, I'm finally back. My firm mainly does partnership and individual taxes, so we bust our asses with the longer than normal busy season hours starting in March, so I asked AKF to cover for me for the past month. That's probably the last we'll see of our boss until December since the UCAAD will be studying for the CPA and LSAT, along with starting work this summer.

So our firm gives everyone the day off after tax season ends, even us interns, so I spent some time relaxing while watching a lot of the music videos I missed. I finally got around to listening to SNSD's "Catch Me If You Can," and while the song is disappointing, it's kind of what we expect from SNSD. It's not terribad like "The Boys" or "I Got A Boy," but it's really bland like "Mr. Mr."

Wait, we're all just a figment of his imagination and he's busy using a fleshlight fapping to Han Ye Seul in his mom's basement while eating casseroles. Forget everything I mentioned above.



It was the spring of 2014, and the SNSD were swimming in their pool full of Yen and Won. The girls were all in their bikinis, drinking martinis and kissing each other. It was especially true of Taeyeon, who couldn't stop grabbing Jessica's ass and fondling her tits. You could see Hyoyeon in her orc form pegging Yuri, using that as her "punishment" for continually losing weight and becoming less hotter by the day.

"Taeyeon, I know you're the biggest dike in the group. but can you stop kissing my neck?" asked Jessica as she put her martini down. "You know how lazy I am. I practiced for two hours today, so I need the rest of the day off."

"But I really want to fuck you," Taeyeon said. "That little faggot I'm 'dating' from EXO has a two-inch dick when erect. When I try to give him a blowjob, it's essentially the same as licking an erect clit. I may as well lick a clit and not have to worry about the stench of ball sweat," said Taeyeon as her left hand kept groping Jessica's left tit.

Before Jessica could respond, Lee Soo Man walked towards the pool and had a smirk on his face. "Girls, we have your next title track ready."

"I hope I get more time in the center doing some lame dances," said Hyoyeon while still in her orc form.

"I hope I get to rub my tits in the MV," said Sunny.

"Title tracks are my best friend. Are title tracks--" said Tiffany before she was interrupted with a "Shut the fuck up, Tiffany," from the rest of the members.

"The title track is called 'Catch Me If You Can,'" said Lee Soo Man. "We have the demo ready for you girls to listen to."

Upon listening to the demo, the girls started rocking to the song. All of the members but one: Jessica. Jessica was trying to hide her shock as she looked at the other members. "Are they honestly content with this song? With the career trajectory we're having?"

Jessica looked up to Lee Soo Man. "Can't you give us a good song? You fucking gave f(x) one of the best albums in recent memory and you can't give us one good fucking song anymore."

"Jessica, shut up," said Seohyun. "You know how retarded our fans are. SM pays a former top producer small change for a C-level title track and our fans eat it up. It's simple economics. Media play the producer's name and our fans will support our title track if it sucks."

"Ohhh, look at little Miss I Have A Fucking College Degree And All I Do Is Fucking Read Books In My Fucking Spare Time," said Jessica as she rolled her eyes. "We're pretty fucking rich as it is, so why don't we start releasing good songs again?"

"It's not worth the trouble," said Sooyoung as she was reading some drama scripts sent to her. "Honestly, I just want to advance my acting career. I would even promote a shitty song like EXO's 'Wolf' if it meant we got enough exposure for me to get more acting opportunities."

Meanwhile, Yoona was busy getting a pedicure. "I don't give a shit either way. I'm getting paid by the shitton with all of the CFs I get. I could just fart on a track for three minutes and still sell us 100,000 copies of our album."

"Anyway, you girls need to start practicing this song now while also preparing for your Japanese concerts," Lee Soo Man said as he left.

"Man, fuck this," thought Jessica. She needed a plan to ruin Lee Soo Man and SM so that the company would be forced to giving them good songs again.

----

Later that night, Jessica was sitting in her room at her desk writing down many plans to plot the demise of SM. "Ugh, I can't think of anything," said Jessica in a frustrated tone as she crumpled up another piece of paper. "I can't use violence -- this isn't the Middle East."

As Jessica rolled her head back and looked at the ceiling, her phone started going off. She had received a text message from Taeyeon.

Haha, I fingered Baekhyun's asshole and he came within thirty seconds. What a faggot.

"That's it!" said Jessica as she pulled out another piece of paper and started writing down her new, full-proof plan.

----

The next day Jessica went to SM Entertainment's building and spotted EXO practicing. All 12 members were practicing their choreographies for their shitty songs. Jessica locked her eyes on Kris and smirked. "That little douchebag has always wanted to fuck me, and who can blame him? He's the perfect member for my perfect plan."

EXID comes back with "Ah Yeah" to follow up on the success of "Up & Down". Does it exclusively focus on Hani to capitalize on her fapability capital? Does Junghwa ruin the song? Does LE give herself too many lines? Are Solji and Hyelin shafted again?



What surprised me the most about "Ah Yeah" is that it isn't a clone for "Up & Down". There are some similarities of the two songs, but it's not like how Secret or Super Junior released the same song three times in a row. I was expecting "Ah Yeah" to be more similar to "Up & Down" and the fact that it isn't makes the song better for me.

For similarities, the chorus is structured the same way, with Hyelin taking the first half and Solji taking the second half. Then there's Junghwa trying to ruin the song. That's to be expected, because she has been trying to ruin every EXID song since "Who'z That Girl." The girl has more determination than Hwayoung, that's for sure.

What I really like about the song is the fact that Hani and LE's verses work off of each other and seamlessly transition. Too many songs feature long rap breaks, and for someone who really isn't into rap, having it spread out over the course of a song instead of having a long 30-second rap break is more palatable.

Anyway, the girls are hot and I would do things to Hani.

This week's photo comes from Wednesday Woe:

A while back I did a post about the differences between k-pop and western pop.  For those of you too lazy to read it, the conclusion is that there really aren't any.  Many of you reading this post found that post to be educational but quite a few of you also wondered why the fuck anyone would even listen to k-pop if it's identical to western pop.  To answer this question, let's welcome back the return of the...


Never one to leave his readers high and dry, Kpopalypse is now here to explain the benefits of k-pop for international music fans!  Read on for the trufax!

We've all been there before - you tell your friends that you like k-pop, and they instantly recoil in disgust.  "Why do you like that shit, you fucking gaybo", "why don't you listen to normal music", "are you obsessed with Korea or something?" etc.  How to shut up these fuckwits?  Well, it might help to consider the following three benefits of k-pop from an international fans' perspective to use in your pro k-pop arguments:

Benefit #1 - you (probably) can't understand most of the lyrics in k-pop

It might seem like an obvious point, but there's an implication here that most people don't think about.  If you ask the average non k-pop fan why they don't listen to music from Korea, they'll inevitably bring up the issue of "I can't get into it because I can't understand the words".  Fools.  Not understanding the words is a massive benefit for the enjoyment of any popular music.  Trust me, you'd be better off not knowing about the insipid garbage that any popular music singers from any country sing about.  Imagine how much more you would enjoy Tyga's "Rack City" if you couldn't understand the words... well okay, maybe that's a bad example, nobody intelligent would enjoy that song even if it had the best lyrics in the world.  Perhaps let's look at this trash instead:


Above are the lyrics for the climactic part of Led Zeppelin's epic (as in epically overplayed) eight-minute classic rock radio dirge "Stairway To Heaven" that all classic rock fans love (and I'll admit that I liked it too, the first 572 times I heard it when I was 12 years old - after that it got a bit boring).  This is a screencap of an official Led Zeppelin poster which shows that these fucking terrible lyrics are considered so profound by one-eyed Led Zeppelin fans that they are deemed worthy enough by the company to make it onto the band's official promotional material (and who says only k-pop fans are irrational).  Of course anyone objective will look at those words and instantly think "what the fuck is this gibberish, what is this song even about?".  They're not alone, even the lyricist himself freely admitted "depending on what day it is, I still interpret the song a different way" - now that's fine for a listener, but coming from the guy who wrote it, it probably really means: "I had no fucking idea what I was writing about at the time as I was probably high as shit so I just wrote the first thing that came into my head, please don't make me tell you what it means because then I'll be open to criticism for foisting my stream-of-consciousness drug-induced drool onto the public."  And "Stairway" is supposedly considered to be a high water mark of classic rock, a work of lyrical genius, one of the best pieces of lyricism that western music has to offer... so you can only just imagine how shitty most of the otherfuckingcrap is.

Most popular music falls into a few basic lyrical categories:

• I love you, please fuck me
• I am sexually frustrated, please fuck me
• Please fuck me because I have all this money and fame
• I care about the world's problems because I'm such a nice person, please fuck me
• I am so hardcore and edgy, please fuck me
• I did love you but now I don't, somebody please fuck me but not YOU because you're an asshole

You're generally not missing much.  Trust me, your enjoyment of all popular music everywhere will improve drastically when you can't understand the words.

"But I like signing along to the chorus!" people will say.  Well, that's why the choruses for k-pop are usually in English.  English is just a better language for pop choruses than Korean for the same reason that Italian is a better language for opera than German - the inflections of the language fit better with that style of music.  With k-pop, you get to have English choruses you can sing along to and you get shielded from the worst of the lyrical crimes in the rest of the song because it's all in Korean.  You get to have your cake and eat it too.  Pop music with most of the lyrics unintelligble has to be just about the most perfect thing going in the universe.  Just don't learn how to understand Korean fluently and you'll be fine.

Right now you might be thinking this:


...and this brings us to our second point:

Benefit #2 - k-pop is accessible, because it isn't really k-pop

When I talk about k-pop's accessibility, I'm not just talking about how Japan mostly won't put up songs on YouTube and charges outrageously for content while Korea makes the effort to flood every corner of everywhere with their pop music even if it means they make no money out of it (yes Japan's cock-licking attitude is definitely helping make Japan a pop-cultural backwater but it's not the main issue).  I'm talking about sounding accessible, and how Korea's pop industry makes an effort to create something that someone from another country might actually like musically.

When k-pop in its current form started, k-pop producers trekked overseas to learn production tricks from America and Europe.  The early results suckeddick, but eventually the Korean producers got the hang of how to write a western-style hit and k-pop as a copyist form was cemented.   Then a funny thing gradually happened - the bigger k-pop labels started using more overseas producers, who would occasionally farm out their most avant-garde and forward-thinking pop creations to k-pop agencies instead of the western pop groups that they would normally use.  K-pop never gained any real traction outside of Asia as a pop commodity beyond cult value as far as music consumers are concerned, but where it did gain a foothold is as a place for freelance pop songwriters from around the world to shop product and try mixing new ideas and sounds.  This hasn't happened to the same degree in any other country in the world, where the ultra-commercial pop markets are much more insular (Japan being a classic example, but there are many others).  You also won't find much that sounds like f(x)'s "Red Light" or Red Velvet's "Ice Cream Cake" outside Korea, but that's got nothing to do with Korea as a country, just where songwriters are farming a lot of songs to.  If you personally find the better k-pop songs to be preferable to pop from elsewhere on a purely musical level, this is probably the reason why - Korean pop interests international audiences musically precisely because once you take away the words it isn't very Korean at all.

So how did international songwriters get drawn to k-pop like moths to a flame?

Benefit #3 - the k-pop industry is highly active, which means fun times

Here's a chart I made a while back that shows the number of k-pop idol group debuts per year for the last few years according to kpoplists.com (excluding 2014 because they don't have data for 2014 debuts at the time of writing):



The k-pop industry has been on the upsurge in terms of activity for the last few years, in the same way that the doo-wop scene surged in the 1950s, the Merseybeat scene in the early 60s, progressive rock, disco and punk in the 70s, rap and metal in the 80s, grunge and techno in the 90s etc.  The quality of k-pop songs on average isn't really any better than songs from the US or Europe, but since there are simply more songs by more groups coming out more of the time, mathematically there's just going to be more songs that are great (as well as more songs that are shit - but that's okay, nobody's forcing you to listen to the shit ones).  More songs means more better songs, and such a hive of activity doesn't go unnoticed by songwriters shopping their potential hits.

Whenever a music scene explodes in activity, only a tiny fraction make it to the very top.  (Who can name five Merseybeat groups off the top of their head who had great success besides The Beatles?)  There aren't many places at the top because the music market isn't big enough to sustain a large number of super-hit artists.  With so many participants, competition between groups becomes very intense, and this increase in competitiveness has quite a few flow-on effects:

• Companies start looking for conceptual points to set their groups apart from the others.  See: Red Velvet's dual "Red" and "Velvet" concept, f(x) positioned as a left-field pop group, T-ara's disco/EDM queen sound, B.A.P's focus on rock riffs in their better songs, Block B and BTS bridging the gap between k-pop and hip-hop to varying degrees, YG's ultra-modern yoloswag productions, AOA's band concept, 2AM, Zan Zan and SoReal branding as "ballad groups", Year 7 Class 1 borrowing from j-pop, Orange Caramel reinventing Stock Aitken and Waterman, Crayon Pop's cartoony nerd culture concepts etc etc.  Anything that can set a group apart conceptually in a crowded genre gives them a reason for someone to like them specifically.  The result - a wide variety of different groups all aimed conceptually slightly differently, for your pleasure.  A far cry from most other countries who have so far only figured out one way to present an idol girl group and one way to present an idol boy group.
• More fap material.  Sex sells, and more sex sells for more.  Lots and lots of sex might generate a negative reaction but it will still sell lots and lots (ask your favourite JAV starlet).  The power of biology is stronger than the power of fake-assmoralising by fuckheads on a superiority trip and this is a truism that the music industry has observed ever since Bessie Smith sung about wanting some sugar in her bowl.  The relatively high quantity of k-pop debuts therefore leads to a high quantity of fap (for both genders) as labels compete fiercely to be remembered for delivering the maximum hotness directly to your genitals.
• High production out the ass.  In the quest to be remembered and to uniquely brand their groups with something that will foster your emotional attachment to a bunch of people that you don't even know and shouldn't rationally give the slightest of shits about, k-pop agencies are not adverse to spending a dickload of money.  The average k-pop music video costs over twice the cost of the average music video in any other country and even the shittier ones look fucking amazing.  Physical packaging from about 2011 onward has generally been as ostentatious as possible for all agencies, even the total nugus.  K-pop companies won't even let their groups put on a full concert unless they can do it with enough video screens, lights and OH&S-flaunting fireworks to kill a small country worth of insects.  The high-budget k-pop experience makes western efforts look cheap in comparison... because they are cheap in comparison.  No wonder so many k-pop fans are reluctant to go back to western pop - it's like being kicked out of first class in the plane and being sent back to the economy section.
• That special connection.  How can a k-pop agency lock down their audience hard and fast to make sure fans don't desert their idol group in favour of the competition?  By making you fall in love with their performers, that's how.  The US and UK have mastered this ever since the days of Elvis and The Beatles, but k-pop takes it to the next level with all sorts of bullshit designed to make you suspend the rational part of your brain and start dreaming up marriage plans with your fave, stringing you along with the power of lovelorn angst to buy more and more shit you don't need.  If you're a reasonably sensible person of course you'll see through this, which suddenly makes it all very entertaining as you laugh while your idols endorse random crap and jump through a thousand different hoops every day, providing you with extra media content to enjoy.
• Mega-insane fan communities full of shambling, drooling nutbags.  Because there is so much activity all the time, there is a massive microcosm of forums, news sites and blogs for you to explore.  Most of it is comparable to the mad scratchings that insane asylum detainees draw on the walls of their cells, which only makes it more fun!  If you get really into it, you may even start a snarky rude blogsite like this one just to take the piss out of it all!

---

Well, there you have it - three things that you probably knew already, but now Kpopalypse has pointed them out for you in a snarky blog post which you can use to annoy others!  My work defending k-pop from the legions of haters is complete... for now!

Crayon Pop teamed up with Shinsadong Tiger, so the group should have its first good song, right?



While I've been busy catching up on songs I have missed in the past month, I found out my main nigga Shinsadong Tiger, who has composed plenty of hits for my two favorite groups, composed a song for a group I cannot stand.

...The result actually turned out better than I expected. It's a B-rated T-ara song without a catchy chorus, but it's actually listenable unlike the other shit they have released until now. Unfortunately, the song has a roughly 20 second rap break which almost killed the song for me right there. However, the rest of the song is fairly good, with the verses holding up well, but this song could have used a stronger chorus.

Getting to the MV, I found this highly unrealistic for Crayon Pop to be a gang of heroes. The first problem is having those two twins who suffer from Down Syndrome. I'm not a huge reader of Marvel or DC Comics, but show me a superhero that has Down Syndrome. Maybe Crayon Pop is being innovative here. Next we have Soyul, while cute, stands in at an impressive 4'6", so no villain would take this shawty seriously. Then you have Ellin, who would be too busy watching her nails and shit instead of fighting. Gummi has to shoulder everything alone. That probably explains why she needed two Master Chiefs to help her defeat these lame ass monsters that wear their underwear on the outside.